Survival Tips for Those who Find Themselves Trapped in a Sci-Fi Movie

Are you trapped in deep space? Is one of your crewmates going mad and killing everyone? Is there a strange alien chasing people around and eating them? Is a strange intelligence posessing people and making them kill each other? These are common problems - herewith are a few simple guidelines that will help you survive, even if all your crewmates don't.

Who to Be:

• Don't be the elderly smart guy. You'll end up giving the crew a tantalising glimpse of how to get out of your predicament and die just before telling them all the final, easy solution.
• Don't be the big tough guy. You'll probably stay behind to fight while everyone else runs away, and chances are you won't survive.
• Don't be the terrified newbie neophyte. You'll last a surprisingly long time but end up dead in a tragic example of a young life wasted. You'll also spend far more time than is comfortable screaming and peeing your pants.
• You probably shouldn't be the captain. There's a good chance the captain will be the second or third casualty or will stupidly sacrifice his/her life to save everyone else. Although you may possibly last to the end of the film (especially if you are Bruce Willis) the chances are not good.
• Your best bet is to be the sensible, tough, slightly dull person - often second or third in the chain of command. It helps to be played by a proper Hollywood 'name'.

Who to Trust:

• Trust the big tough guy but don't let him get out of your sight. He will probably be posessed or potentially turn evil halfway through the film and you need to know about it as soon as you can. Be prepared to kill him. (NB: you may need a very big gun for this purpose.)
• If you can, stand behind the terrified newbie neophyte.
• Somebody is bound to be duplicated by a shape-shifting alien or robot replica. Ensure that code-words are determined before you leave your home planet so you can be sure which is the real one and which is the robot.
• At some point in the film one of your crewmates will turn out to be evil/a robot/a time-traveller from the future/an alien/an evil time-travelling alien robot from the future. Be prepared to kill any of them, just in case.

Warning Signs:

• If one of your crewmates who normally can't stand you suddenly approaches you aggressively for sex, whatever you do, shoot them in the head immediately. It will save you getting impregnated with some weird freaky alien thing that will tear your body open from the inside and give kiddies nightmares for years to come.
• In fact, it's probably safest if you just don't have sex at all. Even assuming your partner isn't going to turn out to be evil and dissolve you with some strange gooey stuff (NB: condoms don't prevent this), if you're trying to run away from something or someone then you need your mind on your job and bonking is not an appropriate use of time.
• If you are trying to catch a small furry animal or small child that has wandered off into the bowels of the ship and, as you reach for them, they suddenly start screaming or growling inexplicably, duck and roll aside right away. Whatever you are running from is right behind you, and the small furry animal or small child is less important than you are.
• If the light level in the ship is suddenly cut right down and the orchestra is playing soft but spooky music you know you're in trouble.
• If someone is talking earnestly about how you cannot destroy the evil creature because you have to study it because of all the things you could learn from it... well, chances are they're pretty evil themselves.

Dos and Don'ts:

• DO maintain healthy skepticism about whether or not your crewmates are evil.
• DO always carry several extra weapons just in case. Nobody ever died from being too prepared.
• If you are going to carry a lucky charm or talisman, DO make it a Zippo lighter or a pocket knife. You cannot beat off alien attackers with a stuffed bunny or a photo of your mother.
• DON'T simply assume that the bad guy is dead because you shot it. If there's no body, it's not dead.
• And on that point, DON'T assume that just because you shot it and it is lying there that it is dead. Ensure that you have an incinerator/molecular disruptor/big-ass vat of molten steel/the vacuum of space handy for disposal purposes.
• DON'T go back for the small cute furry animal. There are pet shops on every planet but only one of you.
• DON'T take your pants off. Ever. For whatever reason. If you do it will just mean that you have to fight the evil alien bad guy thing with no pants on and that is not dignified.
• When running and taking refuge somewhere, DON'T lock yourself in for your own safety. What you are hiding from is in there with you.
• DO always be prepared to kill anybody just in case.
• DON'T relax and say 'phew, thank god that's all over!' because it isn't.

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