It would have been nice to say that the sun was shining, casting a natural beauty over everything the day that Colleen and Terri were to be married. However, the reality was that this was Scotland, and it was winter, so the best anyone could hope for was assuming that the sun was up there somewhere, hopefully at least putting in a token effort.

In the Hutch below the clouds that obscured the sun, the big day began...well, with more of a whimper than a bang. Thanks to Terri's enthusiasm in organising people - not to mention the efficiency with which the likes of Jess and Kryten carried out her commands - there was actually very little to do besides simply getting dressed and getting to the Hall.

And take stock from the hens' night.

Ratbat wandered down a corridor, fiddling with the shirt on her bridesmaid suit. She wasn't altogether in love with the fact that Terri had left a bit more room than necessary in the bust area, and some Kleenex in the pockets.

The door to Ruth's room slid open, producing a redhead who almost collided with her. 'Howyeh, Ruth?'

'Ratti...what are you doing up?'

'It's morning. Big day, remember? Here comes the bride, da da da da? Just got dressed, thought I'd go down the rec room, watch the telly.'

'No, I mean, after last night?'

'What, you heard me, didn't ye? I said I'd keep off the drink and make sure I didn't do anything silly. So here I am, perfectly all right.'

Ruth shook her head. 'Nonono. That's not the way it works. Everyone knows you're supposed to keep on and on about never drinking or anything, then you take one sniff of something at a party, spend the rest of the evening inventing gynaecology theories, and wake up looking like the "before" poster from the twelve-step ads.'

'Nope. This time I didn't.' Ratbat shrugged and left.

Ruth watched her go. She already knew today wasn't going to turn out normally.

Graham caught up to Ratbat as she continued through the corridor.

'Uh, Ratti...' began Graham.

'Mm?'

'I think I might have done something a bit stupid last night.'

Ratbat stopped. 'If this story involves cling-wrap, I dinna need to know.'

Graham winced. 'No, it's nothing like that! Well, not the thing I wanted to tell you about, anyway. It's just that...I think I might have got a bit too involved in the idea of wedding traditions.'

'Is this going to be a "First Night" thing?'

Graham ignored her. 'Remember that time we went to my cousin's wedding in Townsville?'

'I remember you trying to set me up with your uncle.'

Graham sighed wearily. 'Look, I thought it was worth a shot, just that once. How was I to know he was a death-crazed cyborg duplicate from another dimension intent on killing us all? Anyway, that's in the past now. Well, actually, so is what I'm about to tell you, but that thing was further in the past. Remember the bucks' night?'

'I remember hearing it from two streets away.'

'Yeah. But remember what happened to her husband?'

Ratbat laughed. 'Oh yeah, that's right. Ye painted him blue and tied him to a flagpole...' Ratbat stopped laughing as she realised. 'You what? To Colleen?'

'I was fairly pissed, so I've only got a vague memory of doing it, but...'

'Oh, Glenda. All right...erm, do you remember anything at all? Like where you--'

Ratbat stopped as someone turned the nearby corner, wearing their pyjamas. 'I know, I know,' said Colleen, raising her hands against all hails. 'Wear the dress, don't worry, I'll get to it...'

Ratbat and Graham watched her leave, then exchanged glances and sighs of relief. 'Thank Glenda,' said Ratbat. 'Guess that memory of yours isn't so much after all.'

The TARDIS rematerialised in the grounds of the Hutch, and the Doctor emerged, clutching a package under one arm. It had taken him almost three weeks since he'd left last night to find the perfect gift - he hoped they would like it. He briefly thought about popping forward to check, but decided that really wasn't the spirit of present-buying.

As he neared a flagpole, he noticed that it held less flags than usual, but somewhat more people. One, but that was one person more than was usually found on a flagpole. He laid the gift down, briefly returning to the TARDIS and emerging with a ladder which he laid against the flagpole and ascended.

'Excuse me,' he said, once he'd reached the height of the person. 'You seem to be tied to a flagpole. Would you like some help?' He paused and looked again. 'And are you usually this blue?'

The person groaned wearily and looked at him. 'Just help me down from here,' pleaded Euan.

Feeling (inaccurately) that she still had time going spare, the woman with the big hat hummed to herself once more as she sifted through the remainder of the messages she'd never got round to.

Her humming skipped out of tune as she read one particular summary.

It was from her daughter - an invitation to her wedding.

This time she read the attached message.

Barely two seconds later, the woman had tightened her big hat on her head, and rushed from her house.

Picard looked at his watch. He was beginning to get increasingly alarmed by the absence of any way of getting from Istanbul to Culloden. On the whole, he was rather surprised that he'd managed to get from Uzbeckistan to Turkey at all. It was not exactly a well-travelled route, well-populated though both countries were. He wandered through the streets toward the major shuttle depot. There had to be something going north, didn't there?

'Hello, there! It's Captain Picard, isn't it?' a cheerful voice said. 'What on Earth are you doing in Turkey?'

He turned around. A small woman with long brown hair and a blobby grey companion was approaching him.

'Excuse me? Do I know you?'

'Sure you do! Sam Solo, remember? And this is Chewy.'

'Uh...' He tried to remember where he would have met such an odd pair. 'I'm sorry, madam, it's just slipped my mind. Where did we meet?'

'I'm a friend of Nic Leuning and Leila Fetter. We were big figures in the Maths Wars.'

'Ah, of course.' He smiled. 'It's not every day one comes face to face with historical figures.'

'You can talk, Captain!' Sam chuckled. 'Where are you off to? Or are you on business in town?'

Captain Picard grimaced. 'No. Since this place became a huge restaurant, I haven't really had much call to come here on business. I'm passing through on the way to Culloden.'

'Culloden! Are you going to the Hutch?'

He nodded. 'Terri and Colleen are getting married. I'm supposed to be giving one of them away.'

Sam's eyes misted over. 'A wedding...' She gave a slightly wistful sigh. 'I heard they'd planned to tie the knot. I wasn't sure they were going ahead with it.'

'It's due to happen quite soon.' Picard looked at his watch again. 'Very soon.'

Sam looked perplexed. 'What... this month, you mean?'

'No, this afternoon.'

Her eyebrows shot up. 'What the fuck are you doing in Turkey? Get your arse to Scotland this instant!'

'I've tried, believe me. There just doesn't seem to be anything going that way.'

'Screw that!' Sam grabbed his arm. 'Come on. The Perpendicular Bisector is at your disposal. We'll get you there, if it kills us.'

Sitting in comfort in the Perpendicular Bisector, Picard related the tale of woe that had led him from Bole to Starbase 63 to Saturn and then to Uzbeckistan. Sam shook her head.

'Anyone would think there was a curse on this bloody wedding,' Sam remarked. She gave a wistful sigh. 'I haven't been to a wedding in years.'

'Yes, they seem to have gone out of fashion in many areas.'

'Still, I guess if you really love the person...'

'True...'

She gave him a pointed glance, which unfortunately was completely missed. 'I really wish I could go.'

'Yes, I can see that.'

'Me and Chewy haven't seen Tel or Col for years. It'd be lovely to be there when they got married.'

'Mm...' Picard gazed out the window. 'Look! There's London! We're getting closer.'

As she guided the craft toward Scotland, Sam gave him a dirty look. She privately suspected that he was missing the point on purpose.

'I'll drop you off at the town itself, shall I?' she asked.

'Yes, thank you.' He glanced at his watch again. 'I'd better head straight to the Hall.'

'Fine.'

As the transporter whine died away, Picard though that it was singularly odd that Sam hadn't asked if she could go to the wedding. Oh, well. That was her decision.

As he wandered through the streets to the Hall, he reflected that this journey had taken far longer than he'd intended, but was probably going to supply him with dinner conversation material for the next ten years.

Unbeknownst to Captain Picard, as he approached the door of the Hall, Chick and Reed had made one final attempt to sabotage the wedding. Reed was currently up a ladder rigging a small transporter into the doorframe, so that upon entry, the brides would both be transported into the nearby lake.

Unfortunately for Reed, Picard had no idea she was there, and opened the door. His pack, heavy with archaeological artifacts he'd lugged for light years, knocked against her ladder.

A strange cry erupted from nowhere as Picard entered the Hall. There was the zap of electricity, a brief scream, and the high-pitched sound of a transporter. From a fair way away, he heard a splash. He shrugged. It probably wasn't important.

He turned and exited again as he heard a vehicle pulling up to the door. A service mechanoid and an elegantly-dressed human woman. Recognising the pack the woman carried as the type issued to Academy cadets, he assumed his more 'captainly' manner in preparation to tell her to be at ease.

'Captain!' called the cadet. 'Thank Christ!'

So much for that, thought Picard.

The cadet turned to her companion. 'Kryten, get on the blower, tell them Picard's finally here. Captain, I'd love to know where you've been, but quite frankly, it'd be better served making small talk at the reception. Soon there'll be a whole bunch of people waiting for you to bring a bride in through the door, and I'd really like not to keep them waiting. Kryten?'

Kryten returned from making his communication. 'Problem, Miss Nelson, ma'am. Transport.'

'What's up? I thought since we were making good time, most of the guests were going to walk, and the Autobots were going to bring the actual brides and bridesmaids and things.'

'Miss O'Ferez has remembered another tradition, ma'am.'

Jess rubbed the bridge of her nose. 'Which one now?'

'The one about not seeing the bride all dressed up before the actual wedding.'

'And why is that a problem? Two cars: Prowl, and Arcee.'

'Yes, ma'am - but Miss Arcee transforms into an open-top coupé.' He waggled a plastic finger. 'Too visible for Miss O'Ferez's liking.'

Jess screwed up her face for a moment. 'Then I should take this car back.' She pointed to her means of arrival.

'Good idea, ma'am.'

'OK, I'm going now. Call them back, and tell them to start walking up when they're ready.' She started to get in the car.

Picard called out. 'Ah, Cadet Nelson...'

Jess looked back at him. 'What? Oh, of course. Captain, do you have everything you need? Your uniform, or whatever?'

'It's right here,' nodded Picard.

'Good. Kryten - can you show Captain Picard to the washroom, help him get ready? Hopefully we should still be able to pull all this off without a hitch.' She paused, frowned. 'So to speak.'

Picard watched her go, reflecting on the way she was reacting both to him and to her situation. Once she graduated, he thought, she was destined to either spend her career before disciplinary boards, or she'd have her own command within a week.

'This way, Captain, if you would be so kind,' said Kryten, gesturing Picard to a side entrance. He looked at the top of the Captain's head and scowled to himself. Yes, that would definitely need waxing.

'Do we really have to walk to the Hall?' moaned Major Tolol. She looked forlornly at the heels that lived at the bottom of her powder-blue dress uniform.

Mirg raised her eyebrows at her. 'Surely a walk like this isn't too much for you? Didn't you used to be a terrorist?'

Tolol shook her head. 'No, we won. That makes me a freedom fighter. Besides, not once during all my years doing that did I ever have to take an extended walk into town for a wedding...'

'Doctor?' said Dianne, taking the Time Lord's arm. 'Can I talk to you outside for a moment?' The Doctor nodded, curious, and followed her from the room.

Euan was looking at his dress-uniform-wearing reflection in the mirror. Deanna Troi approached from behind and cast an eye over him.

'You're looking a little blue there, Euan.'

'Is that an empath joke, or a Euan-got-painted-blue joke?'

'Both. That was the point.'

'Oh.'

'It's all right, I think you've managed to wash most of it off successfully. Besides, it brings out your eyes.' She giggled again.

Euan studied his reflection some more. 'There's something about these dress uniforms,' he commented. 'I've never quite liked them as much as the last ones.'

'I know what it is,' resonated Captain Disco, joining them at the mirror. 'They make you look like the wine-waiter.'

Deanna looked their reflections over again. 'You're right,' she smiled.

Disco nodded wearily. 'Trust me, I know. I went to a reception at Starfleet Command, just after these had been introduced, so I was almost the only person wearing one. Admiral Bowen kept asking me to bring him drinks, and trying to tip me.'

'Oh dear,' Deanna laughed, covering her mouth with a hand.

Disco sighed. 'It wasn't so bad,' he admitted. 'I made almost fifty strips of gold-pressed latinum.'

Two time-travellers sauntered onto the grounds outside.

'What is it, Dianne?' asked the Doctor.

Dianne hesitated. This was something she knew she'd have to say sooner or later, but she'd always assumed it would be later, and as such hadn't really decided on the words. 'I think... I think I want to stay here. I want to stick with the Evil Bunnies again.'

The Doctor sighed. 'Are you sure?' he asked her. 'I mean, really?' He sounded slightly like a petulant child, and he knew it. Naturally he never wanted his travelling companions to leave, but he could hardly force them to stay. Or was that go? Or come?

Dianne nodded. 'I think so,' she said at last. 'These are my friends... I mean, not that you're not my friend, of course... but I think I want to stay in one place again, you know?'

The Doctor waved a hand, taking in their surroundings. 'But this is all the future for you... it's been two hundred and sixty years since you last saw your friends here... At least let me take you back to your own time. I could do that, you know, put you back right after you left. Before, even.'

Dianne shook her head no. They both knew, of course, that she had no desire to pick up where she'd left off in the twenty-second century. They'd start off for there, but they'd get lost, or a time corridor would appear, or whatever - and it'd be straight from there to saving the cosmos from the Cybermen, the Selachians, the Wirrrn, and who knew what else. Very tempting, but no - not this time. 'If I went - came - whatever - back in 2116, where am I now?' I have no idea if that's how it works, she reflected, but you didn't really need scientific accuracy in a diplomatic white lie.

'Good point,' muttered the Doctor. Then he brightened up, in that way he always did. 'Still, I suppose I can always pop back for a visit.' He paused. 'Can't I?'

Dianne giggled. 'Course you can!'

'Wonderful.' The Doctor smiled broadly. 'All I needed to hear,' he said delightedly. 'Now come on, we should get back - we've still got a wedding to go to!'

The Doctor and Dianne returned to the room and much the same time Jess did. 'All right,' she said. 'Are we all ready? Captain Picard's already waiting at the Hall, Colleen and her bridesmaids are just getting into Prowl now, and anyone who's going to be with Terri should get to the car just outside.'

As the remaining blue-clad bridesmaids left the room, Jess addressed everyone else with a 'Shall we be off, then?' The response wasn't exactly overwhelming. 'Or not. What?' She turned to the nearest person, in this case, Suzy.

'Well, it seems that between the hardened freedom fighters, veteran security officers, parents of young infants, behaviourally-impaired, hung-over, unadapted to local terrain, and just plain lazy...there's a sudden lack of support for the "walking to the Hall" idea.'

Jess's eyes started pointing in strange directions. 'We don't have the vehicles to do it any other way. I mean, yeah, the Compromise is still up there, but co-opting an entire starship just to go into town really doesn't sound right.' She closed her eyes and sighed. 'OK...I think I've...' she trailed off again as she opened her eyes. Somehow they weren't registering a rec room at the Hutch, but the inside of a multi-denominational Hall. 'OK,' she said again. 'Did something just happen, or have I just got so stressed that I've forgotten coming here?' She looked around. No, others' confusion seemed to match her own. She heard a polite cough from behind her shoulder, then turned to see what appeared to be a young blancette girl, dressed all in white. 'Did you do that, Bianca?'

Bianca nodded and folded her arms. 'I really shouldn't use powers that stem from being the Universe's embodiment of hope unless the Cosmic Balance is hanging by a thread, but to be honest, I think that if you stressed out again, you'd probably tip that Cosmic Balance into the Dark Side anyway.'

Margarita had decided to enliven the small period of waiting for Terri and Colleen to show up by doing a few old favourites, and was currently singing.

'Her name was Lisa! She were a showgirl, with yellow buttons on he head, she have dress pulled down to heeyah, she'd eat meringues, then drink a cha-cha...'

The Doctor, who was sitting next to Kryten in the congregation, leaned aside and muttered to him. 'Seriously, I mean it. Give me ten minutes, I could get out of here and be back with the Beatles.'

The mechanoid promptly burst into tears.

'Come on, what's wrong? Don't you like the Beatles?'

Kryten wiped his optical systems. 'No, Mr Doctor, sir. It's just that I always cry at weddings!'

Mirg, who was in the row in front of them, winced. 'Much more of this music, and I might be inclined to join you.'

'Would anyone like some popcorn?' asked Eliane, holding out the box she was eating from.

Dianne scowled at her. 'You know, are you really sure that's entirely appropriate now?'

Eliane shook her head at her. 'You,' she said, 'have no sense of atmosphere.'

'...was a cocoa! Coconut farmer, I mean banana!! The hottest place nort of New Hampshire! I mean Las Vegas! Coconut banana! Moosek and dancin, and donna and blitzen...'

'Thank you, Margarita,' Terry interrupted. 'I said thank you! Yes, you in the sequins! Time for the wedding music! Hello!'

When his attempt to attract her attention failed, he signalled Jess at the back of the hall, who pulled the extension cord out of the wall.

'...lost her show, and lost her Tommy! Now she loss her mind...'

Margarita trailed off, realising that her aging keyboard had ceased to make noise.

'Let's have the music, Margarita.' Terry recalled how badly the rehearsal had gone. 'The music from Four Weddings and a Funeral.'

'OK, bebby!' she beamed. Jess plugged the cord back in, and was rewarded with a boppy samba-like disco 'rhythm' that sounded something like the Wedding March.

Captain Picard adjusted the collar of his hastily-donned dress uniform, and started down the aisle, with Colleen on his arm.

On the other aisle, Euan and Terri were making a similarly stately procession.

Above the main door, a soaked Reed had finally managed to get her transporter booby-trap working properly. She hadn't got any of the wedding party on the way in, but there was still a chance she could catch them on the way out, and land them in the lake.

Terri and Colleen's procession up the aisles was almost complete,[18] when the main door at the back of the Hall was flung open once more.

'No!' a voice cried. 'I fo—oh, fuck--'

There was the hum of a transporter, and a distant splash.

'What was that?' asked Ksenia.

Julian, sitting next to her, shrugged. 'Probably just birds or something.'

Ksenia nodded. 'You're probably right. Get your hand off my bottom.'

'Well, it was worth a try.'

Ksenia smiled smugly. 'It certainly is.'

Terry adjusted his tie. 'Ahem. Dearly beloved. We are gathered here on this most joyous occasion, in the sight of each other, to admit to the bonds of glorious matrimony these two women – Colleen McKenzie Hick and Theresa Kate O'Ferez. But first, a few words on the subject of marriage. Marriage was once the only legal way that two people could touch each other, but in our enlightened time, has come to mean so much more...'

Callum muttered to Rachael, 'Should we have let this guy write his own speech?'

'Shh,' she hissed, poking him quiet.

The woman had lost her big hat, finding that it restricted her progress running through the town.

'Hall...' she panted to a passing postal worker. 'Where?'

'It's a couple of blocks that way, on the left,' he said, pointing. 'Are you all--'

'Thanks!' she managed, and dashed off again. She had to hope she was going to be on time.

'...eternal love and friendship. And, so saying, we shall proceed with the ceremony.'

'About fucking time,' Terri muttered, the words never breaking the misty-eyed smile she'd plastered on her face.

'But firstly,' Terry continued, with a sharp look at Terri. 'Is there anybody here who sees good reason why these two women should not be joined together in glorious matrimony? If so, speak now or forever hold your peace.'

He gave the obligatory two seconds silence, and was about to proceed with the vows when the doors burst open yet again.

'Stop!'

The whole Hall turned around.[19]

'Stop?' repeated Terry, confused.

The woman started coming up one of the aisles. 'If anyone's planning to get married here,' she said, 'there are some things we really have to talk about!'

Terri stared at the woman. 'Mum?' she gaped, wide-eyed.

Colleen also stared at the woman. 'Mum?' she gaped, even more wide-eyed.

Picard also stared at the woman, and got comparatively wide-eyed himself. 'Guinan?'

Euan, who had been looking back and forth from Guinan to the brides, in a similarly wide-eyed fashion, gaped as well. 'Just... uh... what is going on here?'

Kryten put it together and sidled up to a wide-eyed Jess. 'Ma'am,' he said. 'I think we've found a contingency we didn't plan for.'

'Uh-huh.' Jess nodded slowly. 'Just excuse me. I've got to do something,' she said, then passed out.

People were wandering out of the Hall in a state of what really had to be called shock.

'Shouldn't they have noticed that they were sisters?' Sam IV was saying.

'Well, they were born a hundred years apart,' said Suzy. 'It's not as if they grew up together or anything. And besides, there's not a lot of family resemblance. They don't even look like their mother, let alone each other.'

'Well, I dinna see why there's anything wrong with them getting' married. I mean, they were going to be related after the ceremony anyway, this just makes it all neat. Keeps it in the family, so to speak.'

Leila patted Ratbat on the back. 'Ratti, someday you're just going to have to learn that not all things you think are acceptable are acceptable to other people.'

'Oh. So I shouldn't tell your story now, huh?'

'No!'

Terri and Colleen were sitting in what had been the vestry in the Hall's Catholic days, with their mother and Captain Picard.

'You didn't think that, maybe, like, you should have mentioned one of us to the other in the past – oh, let's see – four hundred years?' she asked.

'You both knew you had other brothers and sisters you haven't met. I've been around a long time. I've had a big family. I've still got a big family! It wasn't like all of you came around when I tried to hold a reunion, either,' she added reproachfully.

Terri sighed in capitulation.

Colleen blinked in some more confusion. 'But why don't either of us look like each other?'

'Yeah! I mean, Col's white... and I'm green... and you're black! I never thought about it much before,[20] but why is that?'

Guinan shrugged. 'Some of my children take after me, some take after their father. I was married to your father, Terri, in the nineteenth century, and that's when I had you. And he was green. That's where you got your colouring. And Colleen, I had you in the twentieth century.'

Colleen was beginning to understand. 'When you married a white guy.'

Guinan paused. 'Married. Yes. That's right. Married.'

Picard nodded. 'Genetics can do... interesting things.'

Colleen and Terri looked at each other.

'So... we're related,' said Colleen.

'Sisters,' added Terri.

There was silence for a while as each tried to digest the information.

'Well,' Terri said finally. 'The whole point of the exercise was for us to be family.'

'And now...' Colleen added. 'Well, we already are.'

Chick sneered. 'Gun,' she said. Reed handed her the object in question, a nice, black, mean-looking phaser rifle. 'We don't have time for any more tricks. They'd be in there by now. We'll have to do this the old-fashioned way.'

'Shooting and shouting?'

'Exactly.'

The pair ran up to the Hall's main door, where Chick fired a burst from the rifle into the air. 'All right!' she bellowed, not quite gaining the attention she might have desired. 'We want this wedding off, and unless you all want phaser stains all over your lovely formal frocks, you'd better stop it all this instant.'

Barely anyone paid them any heed. In fact, the most they really got were a couple of dismissive looks. 'Don't bother,' Ksenia called over her shoulder. 'It's off.'

Chick lowered her rifle and stared around her. No-one really did seem to be too matrimonially excited. '"Off"?'

'Yeah,' nodded Puk. 'Not happening. Cancelled. Off you go.'

For these people's major nemesis, Chick was feeling rather underappreciated. 'It's off?' she echoed.

'Looks like it,' Reed told her.

Chick sighed despondently and threw up her hands. 'Oh, fuck this. Let's just steal a ship and get out of here.'

Callum looked around. 'It's all very...' He shrugged.

Rachael nodded. 'Isn't it, though?'

'Everyone looks like they're wondering what to do.'

'All dressed up and nowhere to go,' agreed Rachael.

'All this stuff is just...set up.'

'It seems kind of a shame, having sorted out this wedding and everything, and now there's no-one actually getting married.' She looked at him.

He looked at her.

'Are you thinking what I am?' she asked.

'I think so. Well, mostly, anyway.'

'And?'

'Well, what about—'

'Oh, come on – it's time we did something impulsive.'

Nick wandered up to Graham.

'So, who won?'

'I don't know,' admitted Graham. 'The thing is...'

'Yeah?'

'Chick Collette was just there, going on about stopping the wedding or something.'

'Chick Collette's here?!'

'Oh no, she's gone now. But I'm thinking...if she was trying to sabotage the wedding all this time...'

'And none of my...' Nick paused and considered.

'Then that could have been her who...'

'And that time that...'

'And it would have been her who...'

Nick and Graham looked at each other and grinned.

'Oh dear,' said Graham.

'Oh dear oh dear,' echoed Nick.

'Hmm...so what now?' pondered Graham.

Nick held up a finger. 'Hang on...' he smiled. 'I think I'm getting an idea.'

Rachael and Callum ran into the Hall, where Kryten was kneeling over Jess with some smelling salts.

'Miss Nelson?' Kryten was saying. 'Ma'am? Can you hear me?'

Jess slurred awake. 'Kryten...I had this terrible dream...we were in charge of a wedding...and it all went to waste...'

'Ah. Er, Ma'am. I'm rather afraid it has—'

He broke off as a cough from Callum brought their attention to the newly-arrived pair.

Kryten and Jess both noticed that they were holding hands.

'Actually,' said Rachael. 'Since it is all set up...it really would be a shame for it to go to waste...'

'Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today again in the sight of each other to join this man and this woman in glorious matrimony. Anyone who interrupts the ceremony again is in trouble. But before we begin, a few words on the subject of marriage...'

Rachael pulled a screwdriver out of her immaculate suit and shoved it in Terry's stomach.

'...or not,' Terry hastily amended.

This wasn't the way I expected the day to turn out. I got up this morning to go to a wedding – and I'm at a wedding, no mistake. I wasn't planning on being the lucky gent, though.

Now and forever.

As their ship – until recently the property of Culloden's widely-celebrated badminton squad – shot out of Earth's atmosphere, Chick slapped an empty Coke bottle against one wall of the cockpit.

'It's not champagne, and it's not the bows, but it'll do in a pinch,' she said. 'I hereby launch the good ship...well, the bad ship...Dark Cloud...hm...what are we up to?'

'Seventeen.'

'...the Dark Cloud XVII. May all who sail in her avoid capture and retribution.'

The console gave a beep.

'Cruk!' swore Reed. 'Someone's found us somehow... I'm getting a signal.' Her fingers danced over the keys. 'Hang on - this is a bit strange. It's not from the police.'

'What is it?' asked Chick.

Reed stared. 'Best guess, it's a piece of computer application. Looks like a replicator code.'

'What? That doesn't make any sense.'

'Shall we see what it is?' Reed asked.

Chick shrugged. 'Can't hurt.'

The whining fizz of blue light in the replicator alcove eventually coalesced into a rather odd case.

'What is it?' asked Chick.

'It...' Reed swallowed. 'It looks like lite beer.'

'I beg your pardon?'

'Lite beer.' Reed looked closer at the case. 'Hang on – there's a note attached.'

She pulled it off and opened it.

'Dear Chick, you lost fair and square. Enjoy! Signed Graham and Nick.'

Chick shook her head. 'I'll get them one day, Dominika. One day.'

The Dark Cloud XVII sailed into the sunset.

The Doctor trod beneath a dusk sky towards the TARDIS. To think, in incarnations past he'd always said he hated goodbyes. Somehow simple politeness like that seemed so much more important to him now. As he unlocked the TARDIS with one hand, he brushed his hair out of his eyes with the other. He really should tie that back. Or had he tried that, and decided it wasn't for him? Perhaps he should try again just to be sure. Or maybe he should just get a haircut.

'Just me and you now, old girl,' he addressed his craft as he eased the door open.

'Actually...' said a voice from behind him. He spun around to find a woman facing him.

'Oh, good evening... Brooke, isn't it?' he checked.

Brooke nodded. 'I was talking to Di at the reception earlier, and she told me all about how you and her would travel around, and...um, look, she's staying now, so do you have a vacancy?'

The Doctor's eyes lit up. He liked that about his eyes, he could tell when they lit up. 'You want to come with me?'

'I don't see why Mum should be the only space traveller in the family,' Brooke told him.

'Dianne told you all about it?' repeated the Doctor. 'But...you know it's not all fun and games? For every Eye of Orion, there's an Emperor Dalek trying to poke it out?'

Brooke shrugged. 'I can take the rough with the smooth. Actually, I'm Scottish, I don't even know what smooth is.'

'I was Scottish once...' mused the Doctor.

'What?' prompted Brooke.

'Hm? Oh, nothing.'

'Wait a moment...'

'What?' they both said, before they realised the hail had come, in fact, from neither of them. They turned to face the way they'd come to see someone approaching them.

'I heard Dianne talking as well,' said Mirg. 'Is it true what she says?'

'It depends on what she's said,' ventured the Doctor.

'Evil dictators? Hostile invasions? Insane megalomaniacs?'

'Yes, yes, yes,' nodded the Doctor.

'Good,' approved Mirg. 'Ever since our own ruthless tyrant got removed, being a knight on Tocmale has really been pretty slow. I wouldn't mind having something to do again.'

The Doctor looked to be deep in thought for about a second, all told. 'All right,' he beamed.

'You've got room for both of us, then?'

The Doctor looked past the TARDIS's entrance, deep into the craft herself. 'I think we can all squeeze in there somehow. He smiled and ushered them through the door, and with a wheezing, groaning noise, the last guests had finally left.