'Repeat to yourself, it's just a show - I should really just relax.'

- Love Theme From Mystery Science Theatre 3000

Star Trek: The Last Generation created by Leila Fetter & Urac Daria Sigma

With apologies to the late Great Bird of the Galaxy, Gene Roddenberry

Captain Euan Bowen pointed at the screen in front of him. 'What's that?' he asked.

'The viewer,' Terri told him, without looking up.

'Very good, Soon-to-be-Ensign O'Ferez. What's that on the viewer?'

'Snot,' Dr Graham told him. 'Emma and I were having a flicking contest up here before.'

Euan turned to glare at the furry CMO sitting on top of the science station. 'Shouldn't you be in sickbay?'

'There's nothing happening down there,' he replied.

Ruth checked her display. 'There's someone down there now,' she told everyone.

'It's just someone giving birth. Completely normal, very routine this time. It's a perfectly natural thing. Nicole can handle it.'

'It's Nicole that's giving birth,' Leila told him.

'Then she's probably the best one to handle it!'

'Right. Fine. Piss off, hairy. Lieutenant Hick, what's that in front of us?'

'Don't know,' replied Colleen.

'You're at Ops!'

'Yeah, I'm at Ops. I'm not outside the ship. How the fuck should I know what it is?'

Euan groaned and buried his head in his hands. 'Am I surrounded by idiots?'

Terri spun her chair around to face him. 'Hey - you're the one who wanted to be Captain.'

'I know, I know...' Every great commander had had at least one useful officer in their crew - one who stood head and shoulders above the rest - Kirk had had Spock, Picard had had Data, Sisko had had Odo and Janeway had had Tuvok.[1] It seemed that all Captain Euan Bowen had was himself.

'Ruth,' he told his tactical officer, 'launch a class 7 probe.'

'What's--'

'A probe, just launch any probe!'

Ruth pressed a button in front of her, causing nothing to happen. She pressed it again, and it happened again. 'It looks like the probe's stuck,' she announced.

Euan said a word that he wasn't supposed to know.

'It's not my job to know the combination for the lock on the probe tube,' said Ratbat. 'I thought that was an engineering thing.'

Bobbi shook her head. 'Actually, it might be a Graham thing. I think he uses the probe tube to keep his dirty magazines in.'

'No - 'e leaves them all littered over the floor of deck 6.'

'Ah...'

'Well, you're the fixit person - what do you suggest we do?'

Bobbi looked from Ratbat to the large, titanium-plated, molecularly-sealed, blast-proof, thirty-centimetre-thick panel, and back to Ratbat again. 'Have you got a bobby pin?' she asked.

Terri folded her arms and looked at the cloud on the screen. 'You know,' she said, 'that wig could be somewhere in there.'

'Well, we're not gonna find out,' Colleen told her. 'We can't get a probe in.'

'We don't have to,' Euan said suddenly. 'Ms O'Ferez, plot a course - 355 mark 4--'

'?'

'Left a bit, and bring the nose up. We're going in.'

I Just Called to Say I Love You (synthesiser version) - Russell B

Emma the Klingon started. 'What's that?' she exclaimed.

Renée replied, 'A Sumarian Sunset. You should know, you've served me eight of the things.'

'Not the bloody drink,' replied the host. 'That. Out there.'

Renée looked through the window of 10-Foreplay. 'Where the fuck are we?'

'Inside fairy floss, by the looks of things.'

No sooner had she finished saying this than the ship rocked, covering Emma in cracked bottles and Renée in synthenol. There were no prizes for guessing who thought they'd had the better deal. 'Maybe not,' added Emma. 'Maybe we're up shit creek without a paddle.'

'Hic.'

'Commander Sigma, report to the bridge,' Euan told the intercom.

'No,' came the nearly incomprehensible reply.

'Why?'

'Tell me the advantage of being up on the bridge. We're shaking down here, we're shaking up there.'

Euan paused. 'Are you hiding in Rachael's dress again?'

'No - I do not hide in people's dresses.' There was as guilty a pause as the intercom could transmit. 'I'm hiding under one.'

'You're hiding under Rachael's dress,' Ruth said flatly.

'I'm hiding under Emma the Techie's dress.'

'Emma doesn't wear dresses!' Euan told her.

'I didn't say it was working.'

'If you don't get to the bridge right now, WonderBra, I'll re-enact the blue dot incident with a spice-rack playing the dot!'

The turbolift shot up to the bridge as fast as Crewmember Gault could move his joystick. The ship shook again, and Ratbat was thrown over the rail into her seat. Terri, Colleen and Leila held up cards saying 9.2, 9.5 and 8.6 respectively - Leila was always a hard marker.

'What's happenin'?' asked Ratbat.

'We're being fucked over by a giant fairy floss, that's what's happening!!' Euan snapped back. 'Ruth! Go to red alert!'

Ruth obliged, and now not only was everyone on the Compromise panicking, but now they also couldn't hear themselves think over the klaxons.

'Bridge to engineering! Can you give us any more on the shields, Scholesie?'

'Oh, yeah, lots more, Euan! In fact, I was deliberately giving us hardly any at all, seeing as we're being surrounded by the Kandyman's pubic dandruff!'

'Um...sorry,' replied the Captain sheepishly.

'Piss off, Euan, it's that time of the month, and you know it!' The line clapped dead.

Ratbat leaned over Euan to Leila. 'Is she having her period?' she hissed.

'No, it's pay week - it always makes her feel underrated.'

The ship shuddered once more, causing Colleen's panel to make a small puff of smoke and a lot of sparks.

'You guys wanna know something?' asked Terri.

'What?' asked Ruth, from under her console.

'I don't think the wig is in here. [Rumble] In fact, I don't think we'll be in here much longer. [Crash] I think we should go.'

'All right!' conceded Euan. 'One more thing!'

'Bridge to transporter room seven!'

Given her eagerness to do anything to get out of the situation the Compromise was currently in, Lieutenant Emma the Techie hit her comm badge so hard she almost gave herself a mastectomy in the process. 'Techie. Talk to me,' she replied.

'Emma, can you get a transporter lock on that stuff outside?'

Emma replied something along the lines of, 'Well, naturally I can, Oh Fearless Leader, as we are currently in the midst of the aforementioned substance,' only that wasn't quite how she phrased it.

'Then do it. Transport some directly to the main laboratory.'

'Has Ksenia set up a containment field?'

There was a slight pause, during which Emma could just hear the buzzing of angry voices on other channels.

'She has now,' came the reply at last.

'Right, then. Stand by...transporter room out.' She carefully timed her closing of the channel so Euan would only hear the first part of her insulting remark.

Chief Scholes, Dr Graham and Commander Sigma stood at the threshold of Lieutenant Commander Forde's lab. Captain Bowen was otherwise detained putting through a subspace message to his mother.

'Is it anything like it looks?' Bobbi asked.

'Why?' asked Ksenia. 'What do you think it looks like?'

'A big fluffy pink thing.'

'Then yes,' Ksenia replied, rolling her eyes inwardly. 'It's what it looks like. It's a big fluffy pink thing.'

Ratbat rubbed her crotch absently. 'Beware of starship invaders that come in bright colours,'[2] she observed, her voice cracking slightly. Avoiding the tear forming at Anja's memory, she turned to Ksenia at her panel. 'What does the computer think?'

'I don't know...I'm asking it now.' Her fingers moved across the controls in front of her. 'Ah,' she said at last. 'That's strange.'

'What?' asked Graham.

'Have any of you heard of something called..."Psi 2000"?'

Graham shook his head. Bobbi piped up, 'That was a ship, wasn't it?'

'Who can tell,' put in Graham. 'I've been on so many.'

'You've been in the back seat of so many.'

'I'll look in the archive,' offered Ksenia, then set to work. About two minutes later, the computer came up with something. 'That there,' said Ksenia, 'is a specimen of the Psi-2000 virus. It was named after the ship.'

'Why?' asked Graham.

'Because that's where they found it.'

'Why?'

Ksenia screwed up her face. 'Why what?'

'Ignore him,' said Bobbi. 'He just wants attention. What's the virus do?'

Ksenia was about to answer when Euan finally entered. 'What's that?' he asked.

'It's a big fluffy pi--' began Ratbat.

'Don't,' Bobbi told her. 'It wasn't any funnier when I did it.'

'Is it safe?' Euan asked.

'Absolutely,' replied Graham. 'It's just sitting there. Nothing's going to hurt it.'

'Shut up. This could be anything here.'

'Actua--' began Ksenia, but went ignored.

'Like what?' asked Graham.

'For all we know it could be the cure for every ailment we've ever encountered. Maybe no-one could get sick ever again!' He gripped Graham's shoulders and glared at him. 'And you're the Chief Medical Officer. Do you know what that would mean to you?'

Graham grinned back and gripped Euan's shoulders in return. 'Yeah! I could bludge!'

Euan pushed him off. 'Smart-arse.'

Graham pushed back. 'Yeah?'

'Yeah.' Euan pushed again.

'All right, Euan -' Graham took off his lab coat. 'Right here. Come on, right now!'

'What?'

Graham cast his coat to the floor. 'Sex! Right now!' He made a show off leaping onto Euan in a mock-copulatory position. Lieutenant Brideoake, one of Ksenia's staff, saw where their struggle was leading them.

'Stop it...!' called Fi. 'You'll run into the...' She trailed off as the two...officers tumbled across the room, ending up sending each other right into the containment field.

Everyone shielded their eyes from the light that ensued as the field was breached.

'Um...shit,' said Graham after a very long pause.

'Ah...now that it's actually out,' said Euan, 'what does the virus do?'

Ksenia shot him a glare that would have dumped her back to Ensign if Euan ever felt he could stand up to her. 'Basically, it's an intoxicant.'

'A who?'

'If you get sick, you'll get drunk.'

'Ominous Horns' from any good Star Trek: The Next Generation album

'Captain's log, stardate 69. Lieutenant Commander Forde and Dr Graham inform me that with any luck, the virus will just have dissipated in the Compromise's atmosphere. Meanwhile, as Ksenia has realised that the virus doesn't naturally occur in the concentrated form we experienced earlier, I have assigned our operations manager to scan the surrounding space for a possible cause.'

Euan looked over his shoulder towards one of the science station. He knew that, as operations manager, it was Colleen's job to use the station to conduct the scan, but he didn't quite see how Terri and Leila needed to be there as well. This meant that both his conn officer and the counsellor were absent from their posts, and since Ratbat was absent with 'woman's problems' (a term he didn't understand),[3] he had no-one to talk to except Ruth, and she was currently cleaning a phaser rifle with the safety catch off and the level 16 setting on.

After he had sat still for as long as he possibly could,[4] he decided to get up and check on the girls' progress.

'What have you got?' he asked.

Terri and Leila rapidly turned around, blocking his view of both Colleen and the terminal. 'Mmm...nothing yet,' said the verdæsean.

'Well, let me see anyway.'

'Ah...no,' Leila told him.

'Why not?'

'We wouldn't want you to wear your eyes out,' said Terri.

'Ms O'Ferez...step aside.'

The two women sighed and moved out of their captain's way. He looked over Colleen's shoulder at the screen for a few seconds, then simply said, 'That's a list of caterers.'

'Well...' fumbled Leila, 'they're caterers who might have put the concentrated virus clouds out there.' She screwed up her face, and looked from Colleen to Terri. 'No?'

'No,' said Colleen.

'No?'

'No,' said Terri.

'Bugger.'

'You're still planning for that stupid wedding, aren't you? God, have you even got a date yet?'

'Well, duh, I've got a date for the wedding. I thought I'd go with the guy I'm actually marrying.'

'I mean...I mean...I mean I'll be in my ready room. Number One,' he said as Ratbat stepped off the turbolift, you have the bridge.' He stomped out.

Completely in the dark, Ratbat crossed up to the science station and read the screen. 'Bitches,' she said through her pointed teeth, 'why didn't ye tell me...?'

Lieutenants Malarz and Murto were lugging a piece of equipment across the main floor of engineering.

'I don't see why we can't use the anti-grav to move this thing,' complained Ania.

'This is the anti-grav,' replied Laura.

'Ah.'

They took it past the warp coil and set it down right next to the scanner table. 'Bobbi said this needs fixing,' Laura told Chaedy.

'So? Why are you telling me?'

'You're an engineering officer.

'So? What are you guys, then? Prostitutes?' She paused. 'You're not prostitutes, are you?'

'No!' snapped both gold-shouldered juniors.

'If they were prostitutes,' said Lieutenant Flanagan, coming up behind them, 'they'd be a whole lot richer with Graham on board.'

'Really?' asked Chaedy. 'Anyway,' she told the other two, 'I'm your superior officer, and I say you should fix it.'

'Bobbi's your superiorer officer, and she said you should fix it.'

'Speaking of whom, guys,' Sam said, 'has anyone noticed our department head over the past hour or so?'

Chaedy looked over beyond the warp coils. 'What? She's just checking that same panel she's been checking since before these two left.' She indicated Laura and Ania.

'That's what I'm saying,' continued Sam. 'She shouldn't take that long on that piece of equipment. I think I might recommend she go to sickbay.'

Arthur's Theme (synthesiser version)

'It's getting thinner.'

Ksenia, with nothing to do until Colleen finally finished her scan (presuming she ever did), had decided to while away her down time in 10-Foreplay. 'What's getting thinner?' she asked Emma the Klingon.

'That stuff out there,' she continued. 'It was completely solid-looking before. Now it looks more...cloudy.'

Ksenia looked. 'You're right, it is...' She turned to Emma. 'If it gets any thinner, we might be able to sort it out.'

'I still don't see why you want to.'

'Because the sacred toupée might be in there!'

'What's so important about this wig, anyway?'

'It was lost in space more than a hundred years ago, when that...Kirk was still flying about in rickety old ships with cigar-tubes on the back. Have you ever heard of a Starfleet captain called Kirk?'

Emma scowled. 'No.'

'Well...neither have I, but apparently he was bloody important. I'll talk to Bobbi in engineering...maybe we can do something with the deflector dish.' She tapped her communicator. 'Forde to engineering...' she began.

Emma turned from her, past where Renée was measuring the distance between her hemline and her neckline by spreading out her hands and touching them finger to thumb, to see and hear Leila and Ratbat entering from the other end.

'I'm just saying that there's a proper time and place to say a word like that!' Leila was protesting. They got to the bar.

'What word?' Emma asked them, but went unheeded.

'So,' continued Ratbat, 'I'm not allowed to say "vagina" in that...cavalier context where it means "female reproductive orifice located in the groinal region".'

'Well...no!'

'You just get embarrassed.'

'I don't,' said Leila, who had turned more than slightly red. 'It's just not necessary.'

Ksenia wandered back up the bar. 'What's with those two?'

Emma sighed. 'They're at it again.'

'God, not the vagina thing again.'

'Did you find out what you wanted from engineering?'

'No, actually,' Lieutenant Commander Forde told the assembled spaceniks. 'I just heard that Sam's left Bobbi in sickbay.'

'I'm perfectly fine,' insisted Bobbi for about the sixty-seventh time. 'I'm in full control of myself.' She sat down on the bio-bed, and slid straight off onto the floor.

'But you're not, are you, Bobbi?' returned Graham, helping her back up onto the bed.[5] 'Now sit still while we complete the tests.' He peered into her eyes again. 'Are you sure you haven't been drinking?'

'I haven't even had one!' she replied, in a voice not unlike the one Graham himself had used to many a police officer. She hiccuped for added effect.

Oh, shit... thought Graham, looking at the tricorder after he had run it over the engineer's body once more. He knew what it was already - he just hoped he was still as good as he'd always been at being wrong. He turned to two of his nurses. The pair of 'Graham's Angels' aiding him at the moment were the sisters Melanie and Anthea M^cMillan. Graham could never tell the M^cMillan girls apart, so that wasn't making it any easier.[6]

'Have you finished doing the tests?' he asked them.

'Yes,' they both said.

'And?'

'Her profiles are changing very fast,' said Melanie (or Anthea).

'It's as if she's just sitting there drinking,' said Anthea (or Melanie).

'Then...?'

'The Psi-2000 hasn't dissipated,' replied the brunette.

'That's what she's got,' added the other brunette.

'So soon it'll probably start spreading right over the ship,' they both finished.

'Great.'

Terri had departed the bridge with her own version of 'woman's problems',[7] meaning that Colleen had actually managed to concoct a workable scanning program and set it into motion.

And it was really boring.

She had been staring at the panel for the past fifteen minutes, and all she could see was the screen starting to dance before her eyes. She let another thirty seconds pass, then boredom consumed her, and she got up and wandered from the bridge.

There had to be something interesting to do on this ship.

As the lift closed behind her, there was no-one left on the bridge to see the display on the science station start to flash an alert.

Euan was starting to get sick of the general dereliction of duty that seemed to be cropping up aboard the Compromise. Bobbi hadn't returned to engineering, and, even though those who were left there were doing what they were supposed to be doing, they didn't seem to be able to do it without stopping in a fit of giggles or wandering off half-way through to see what else was happening.

'It's that virus,' Graham was insisting as they both walked down the corridor.

'It can't be,' he protested. 'Ksenia said it would probably dissipate.'

'Then Ksenia's full of shit, because it hasn't.'

'Well, you're the CMO, what do you plan on doing about it?'

'I could relieve you of duty again.'

'Yeah, and what happened that time? We ended up taking the Compromise cruising for chicks in the Denorios Belt. No, Graham, I don't think that would work.' They stopped by transporter room seven, and Euan poked his head in.

'Lieutenant (Junior Grade) Emma Jane Cole the Techie!' he snapped. 'How many times have I told you about doing that in the transporter room?'

'Never,' replied Emma, slurring more than slightly.

'Well, stop doing it, then!'

'I'll do it where...and when I want,' she replied.

'Oh...' Euan tried to think of a punishment to fit the crime, but his lack of life experience prevented him. '...Fine!' he finished eventually, and closed the door, leaving her to be alone. 'Well, what are you doing about it?' he asked Graham. 'Shouldn't you be in sickbay, or the lab, or something?'

'I'm going there now. I've already set my staff onto it.'

Euan was about to make a passing remark about the quality of Graham's staff, but decided that he could only rate them above Graham himself, so there wasn't much of a case there.

They stopped outside a turbolift. 'I'm going back to the bridge,' Euan said. 'We still don't know what might be in that cloud. Let me know if you come up with anything.' He entered the lift, said, 'bridge', and disappeared. Graham went a little further down the corridor to sickbay, where there was a party going on.

After finding that the turbolift had taken him to the bridge via decks 7, 23, 5, 44, 16, and a lovely view over the starboard nacelle, Euan stepped out to find that things hadn't improved in his short absence. By the door to the observation lounge, Terri and Leila were comparing notes on relationships past. At some point, someone must have pointed out to Lieutenant O'Ferez that people she just bumped into on the street didn't actually count as her boyfriends, so her tally over the past four hundred and ninety-six years had been brought down from the low seventies to a more conservative five boyfriends and one girlfriend.[8] Men, the general consensus in the that corner seemed to be, were crap.

'Number One,' he said. 'What's our status?'

Ratbat seemed to wake up and notice him for the first time. She had already had to shut off some fragging klaxon because it was annoying her. 'Um? Oh, sittin' in space.'

'Any news on the cloud?'

'I dunno.'

'You've got the virus as well, haven't you?'

'Dunno what yer talking aboot. I'm as shober as the next girl.'

'Christ! I thought you bat-people were supposed to have good immunity systems!'

'I'm still lushid-ish. Better than some others...(hic)'

'I knew it! You're pissed! Shit, why has everyone got the virus except me and Graham? Bridge to sickbay...'

'Well, I saw the thing a-comin' out of the sky...it had-a one long horn and-a one big eye...'

'Great...' moaned Euan. Shit, it was hot in here. He looked down at his first officer, who seemed content to just stare dead ahead at the viewer. 'Lucid-ish' seemed good enough for a ship that was just hanging in space, so he left her in charge and decided to sit this one out in the ready room.

Lieutenant Nic Leuning felt quite unsure of where she was, never mind what she was doing. 'Are you sure that we're allowed to play darts on the training range?' she asked unsteadily.

'Yeah,' replied Rachael in a rather airy manner. 'Only we've got to try not to make marks on the walls.'

'Sho we're letting you hold it,' added Sam.

'Now...' Ruth picked a dart up from the small pile at their feet. 'See if you can keep it still...'

There was a pause, then Nic simply said, 'Ouch.'

Ratbat squinted at the viewer, but it didn't appear any more clear to her. There was something starting to appear within the clouds, but in Ratbat's current state, it could have been anything from a WarWorld to an enormous statue of Noel Edmonds. She heard the lift open and shut behind her, and turned to see who it was. 'Oh...eh up, Miss Chaedy...wossup?'

'Nothing,' she replied airily. 'Is the captain in?' She pointed as well as she could in the direction of the Ready Room.

'I don't care.' She then turned her attention away from the engineer and towards the ceiling.

Euan lined up the sharpish-blurryish sets of colours that looked like Transformer toys on the desk in front of him. 'Dinobots form Bruticus!' he slurred. Oh, crap. He couldn't even pissfart around clearly anymore.[9] He leaned over to the replicator to ask for a drink to try to clear his head, but the computer told him that he wasn't allowed fizzy drinks. Crukking CPO.

He heard the door chime.[1o] 'Yes?' he managed.

The door slid open to reveal Lieutenant Ritherdon. To reveal a lot of Lieutenant Ritherdon. To say that she had dressed provocatively would be an understatement, but to actually describe the outfit would instantly earn this prose an 18 certificate. Suffice it to say that it was not the type of outfit one would wear to tea with Granny, not unless you had a very liberal granny.

Euan put down his toys and looked her over. 'You're out of uniform,' he stammered, summing up all the control he had left to him, ie none.

'I felt like...relakshing. You just can't doooo that in a ufinorm.'

'And...you should be en ingeneering.'

Chaedy's speech was as slurred as his own, but seemed to flow much better. 'Like you should be on the bridge?' she returned. She had come all the way up to his desk, and didn't seem to want to let mere furniture get in her way.

'I didn't want to be on the bridge...' squeaked Euan, even though he couldn't adequately remember why.

She leant across until her face was almost touching his. 'And I didn't want to be in engineering.' Euan barely noticed that she proceeded to sweep his action figures off the desk. He was starting to get a feeling of deja vu, but he didn't speak French, so he didn't notice it. 'You'll just...you'll have to excuse me,' she continued. 'I don't sheem to be able to focus today...'

Euan blinked, trying to make sense of both the Chaedys he saw before him. 'I don't...neither do I...' He hiccupped.

Only four more words were exchanged:

'Captain?'

'Yes? Lieutenant?'

'Yes.'

And the rest, as they say, will be future history.

John 19:41 from Jesus Christ Superstar

Out in space, outside the Contraceptive-class ship whose staff were currently running amok in uncontrolled frivolity and lack of discipline, the clouds that had once been concentrated patches of Psi-2000 virus were definitely clearing. And they had been right, they were hiding something.

If anyone had been paying attention, they would have seen that there were seven other ships out there.

All with their weapons trained on the Compromise.

Now it was absolutely no fun on the bridge. There was nothing on the screen except a bunch of ships with pink stuff in front of them - that wasn't very exciting, that wasn't... Lerri and Teila had gone down to 10-Foursome, or whatever, and Glenda knew what was going on in Euan's room.

Finally bored out of her mind, Ratbat got up and wandered up toward the turbolift. 'Goin' to the smallest room...'[11] she drawled to anyone who was listening (ie, no-one). As she passed the tactical console, she noticed a light flashing on it. For no other reason than that her attention was attracted by a shiny thing, she pressed it. As she made the rest of the walk to the lift, she was vaguely aware of a voice coming through on the communications.

'Narrabundah Starfleet ship,' it said, 'this is the flagship of the Girls' Grammar war fleet. You will surrender and lower your shields or we will blast your ship out of space. If you don't reply in two hours, we will take that as defiance and open fire...'

A small part of Ratbat's mind that was still unaffected thought, Probably ought to do something about that, but all she said was, 'Yeah? I already 'eard that one,' and disappeared into the lift.

The door to sickbay hummed open, and Sam, Ruth and Rachael came through it, somehow supporting both Nic and each other - not very succesfully, it must be pointed out.

'Hello...!' called Ruth.

'Hello!' responded Rachael.

'Ssshh!!' said Sam. 'We're here being sherioush.'

'Owww...' spluttered Nic, trying to staunch a flow of blood with the hand that wasn't gripping Sam's collar.

'Ummm...' giggled Rachael, 'is anyone here? Miss Looney accidentally got a nasty with a dart, and now she can't shee.'

'She can't she?' repeated Ruth.

'He can't he, then.'

'Where's everyone gone?' asked Sam, tripping on some of the streamers coming out of the replicator.

Ruth fell through the door into the other ward. 'Here they are!' she said from the floor.

The others looked at the eight people they could see on the floor - who were actually only four. Whatever had been happening in here earlier, Graham's Angels were now passed out in a small circle on the floor. Nurse Nicole Wylie had her glasses on backwards; Nurse Fiona M^cCulloch had apparently figured that the Starfleet uniform was best enchanced with matching Davenport waistcoat, tie and boxer shorts worn outside it; and the M^cMillans were both concealed beneath an enormous sombrero.

'NNNnnnhhhh!' Nic reminded everyone.

'Hey...' Sam invited the quartet, 'you wanna wake up?' Her only answer was an inebriated snore. 'Bum!' she ejaculated loudly.

Nic soon joined the passed-out group on the floor, though not for quite the same reason.

Having become bored with trying to hang from the ceiling in her quarters by use of spiked shoes, Ratbat decided to check out what Emma was doing in the transporter room. Nothing that Ratbat particularly wanted to join in on, but she obligingly stopped when Ratbat decided to slump herself down on one of the pads.

'Hey, Ratbat...what you doin'?'

'Y'know,' the first officer replied, her tone of voice going up and down like any number of sexual analogies, 'even though I probably don't show it, I think I might just have a touch of that virus that's going around.'

'You think so?'

'Yeah! Oh, you seen whatsisface? You know, the Captain.'

'Nuh.'

'Oh, 'ss jusht that there's a whole bunch of ships out there that wanna kill us, s'all.'

'I wouldn't worry, mate.'

'Nuh, I'm not. Mind ye, I dinna think it's lookin' too bright. It's no like there's a whole heap of us 'oo could manage to conumicate prop'ly. An' Graham and Kisshenia're too Brahms to do anythin'.'

Emma gave a pissed-as shrug. 'Bugger. We're doomed. Leasht it's not Tuuesday. Don' like Tuesdays.'

'Really? I din'like Tuesdays neither.'

'We orta start a club.'

'Nr. I'll tell ye what I do like, though...tell you what I do like.'

'Wots'at?'

'These things...' She reached up and pointed to the transporter above her.

'Them things?' repeated Emma.

'Well, they're great, aren'thee? I mean, you just slide up yer three doodahs on that thing there, and foosh! Ye're somewhere else!'

'Yeah...that's how they work.'

'But the cool part is, 'ss jusht you that goes off. Well, and yer clothes 'n' stuff, course.'

'Otherwise you'd turn up in the buff.'

'Yeah, 'nd it'd be all embarrassin'. But any else...any nasty aliens...'

'...and viruses...'

'...any death rays or whatever...'

'Hang on...go back a bit.'

'Nasty aliens.'

'After that.'

'Death rays.'

'Er. It must've been me, then. Oh, yeah! Viruses. Like this one we don' got a cure for...'

'Hey...there's...we might...'

'...have a chanshe?'

'Aye!' Ratbat skipped down and tapped the lights on Emma's panel for a few seconds. 'There,' she said. 'Can ye take me there?'

Emma looked. 'You can get there on y'own!'

'Not the panel...the picture.'

'Y'wanna go to the Grammar ship?'

''xactly...'

'I'll try,' replied Emma, trying to keep some kind of focus as Ratbat returned to standing indiscriminately on two of the transporter pads. 'But ain't there an ad 'bout don't drink and beam?'

'...hic...! Shorely ye can move yer hands up three lightsh?'

'I see six.'

'Shod it. Energise.'

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues (synthesiser version)

Down in 10-Foreplay was where the action was really at. Graham was doing a solo can-can completely out of time with the a capella singing of three other crewmembers. Ruth had returned from sickbay, and was playing darts on her own using a picture of Gene Roddenberry as a target. Renée, arms around neck,[12] was having her own fun.

'Y'sheee...you're a rilly beautiful pesson, rilly y'are. And if y'ever, ever need anyone to be...closhe at...'

Emma the Klingon looked over at her. Why is Renée talking to a pot-plant? she wondered. She half-leant, half-fell over to Terri. 'Dunn tell me that Renée got the virus 's well...'

Terri shook her head. 'Nuh...she's immune.'

'Oh. Maybe I am too.'

'Then why've you got a traffic cone?'

'Uh? Oh, that's not 'cos I'm pished. That'sh so no-one'll park neksht to my bed.'

'Er.'

'God,' Ksenia was saying, 'people actually do that?'

Bobbi nodded too much. 'That's how you make babies,' she said brightly.

Ksenia shook her head in return, flipping her blonde hair (which inexplicably had a number of daisies threaded through it) all over the place. 'No, 'sh not. You get babies from wosscalled, um, intercoursepulation. Erms and speggs 'n' stuff.'

'Nah. Nahnahnahnahnahnaahhh! 'S from barking at nuns.'

'Rubbish.'

'Yeah? You ever barked at nuns?'

Ksenia shook her head again.

'You ever had a baby?'

Another shake.

'So how d'you know what you're talking about?'

''cos I'm the science,' she said, tapping her shoulders. She paused. 'Wasn't there work I was supposed to be doing? Helping that orange guy to find somethin'...'

Bobbi waved her hand. 'Ah, bugger it,' she said. 'Let'sh go an' get a drink.'

Ratbat materialised with the mother and fucker of all hangovers. The transporter's bio-filter had removed the virus from her system in transit, but the after-effects of sobering up seemed to be the same no matter how one did it.

There was no time for this now, though. Looking at a map on a wall, she started off toward the bridge.

Blood Makes Noise - Suzanne Vega (intro)

Her experience with the Girls' Grammar Union was limited at best, non-existent at worst. If she'd really used her brain, she'd have found the younger Nurse M^cMillan, who had defected from the Union long ago, and brought her with her. She hadn't really been using her brain, though. It was hard enough to take a course of action when you were in that state, let alone to think it through.

She tramped up the corridor toward a lift - just a lift, she noticed, not a turbolift - and pressed the button (The button! What was it about ancient private schools and modern technology?) for the top level. Once there, she marched down the final section of corridor, and pushed open the door to the bridge.

Then she saw the flagship's captain - she didn't just recognise the starchy uniform, she recognised its occupant. The bespectacled woman - another chiropteran - turned to face her.

'Ratbat,' she said. The voice was more full of ice than a M^cDonald's Coke.

'Chick Collette,' returned Ratbat. 'Get bored with mind-games, did we, so we 'ad to move on to war games.'

'I'm not going to explain myself to you, bitch. You've done enough.'

'You rake over our past - I'll whippersnipper the present. Who's this little power play designed to take? Another one against me personally, or is everyone in your sights tonight? Maybe it's just business, and this is just some added kicks.'

Chick ignored her. 'Not going to ask me about how I got onto a CCEGGS ship?'

Ratbat shrugged. 'I'd've been surprised if you hadn't been able to. Ever since you got the tin with the best coloured pencils in Kindergarten, ye've managed to somehow get what you want.'[13]

Chick's first officer leapt from her chair and made as if to blast Ratbat out of existence (her bazooka was set somewhere above stun), when Chick waved her down.

'Not quite yet, Reed.'

Ratbat was surprised. 'No?' Reed, equally taken aback, went into a corner to polish her weapon in a manner that even Chick still found disconcerting.

'I said, not yet. I've decided I'll let you watch as I blast your ship out of space.'

'Oh, cheers.'

'It's the least I could do after all this time.'

'Uh, that's something, actually...if ye're workin' out of this ship, ye've got rules to play by.'

'What are you on about, you droopy quatromammarian?'

'For making it this far, I'm entitled to challenge you to a duel.' She looked over to where Dominika Reed was eagerly licking the barrel of her bazooka. 'You, Chick. Not the flunkie.'

Chick growled. 'Fair enough...' she said. 'I can take you any day of the month. Choose your weapons, Sigma. Guns? Swords? Staffs?'

'Bullshit.'

'Uh?'

'I challenge you to a duel with bullshit.'

'You mean you intend to talk me into ordering down my fleet?'

'Aye.'

'Excellent! I've got fifteen years of public speaking behind me, I was the school debating champion, I've won the Douse Trophy three times, and I was doing Toastmasters even before the name sounded funny.

'Say your prayers, mud-hair - let the games begin!'

For Your Eyes Only (synthesiser version) - Russell B

Back in 10-Foreplay, Terri was unaware of the mudslinging going on for the fate of her ship. She was unaware of anything much except that, while she was looking over at Colleen, she noticed a somewhat...moist sensation.

'Graham!' she snapped, turning around. 'Stop pouring your drink down my back!'

'Sorry,' Graham apologised between hiccups. 'D'ya want me to lick it back up?'

'I'd rather...um, I'd rather...I'd rather do shumthin' else, OK?'

'Aaahhh! You're no fun, anyway.' He made to leave her, but ended up tripping straight to the floor, where Chaedy stepped over him on entering. 'Oh!' he said to her back as he stood up. 'Hello! Where've you been!' He reached out to her, but missed and returned to the floor.

Over by the replicator, Sam noticed something.

'Where did we leave Nic?' she asked.

Rachael shrugged. 'I dunno. I thought you had her.'

Sam looked in her pockets. 'No...'

Rachael frisked herself.[14] 'Well, I shertainly don't.'

They looked at each other. 'Oops!' they said in unison, before breaking down into giggles.

Graham was stepped over again, this time by Euan.

'Hey!' he said. 'Euie's back!'

Colleen, supporting herself unsteadily on the bar, assessed this. 'Hang on...Chaedy arrived before. And then Euan arrived. Hmmm...hic! That meansh they arrived separately...so they didn't arrive together on purposhe!'

'Ooooooooooo...!'

'It's not my department, and Steve's on holiday!' snapped Ratbat.

The battle of words was in full force, and to be completely frank, Dominika Reed wasn't understanding a syllable of it. Neither was Chick Collette, that was the worrying thing.

'What?' she spluttered. 'You're not making sense!'

'If I wanted to make sense, I'd get a job in the mint. Your move.'

'How can I rebut if you're not going to make a coherent argument?'

'Your problem.'

Nothing Compares 2U (synthesiser) - Russell B

Everything was in full swing now. Euan and Bobbi were indulging in rock-and-roll dancing on top of one of the larger tables; Graham was amusing a group of the younger crewmembers with his Graham impressions; the two Emmas were in a state of total confusion;[15] and Renée and Andrea were just discovering that they'd both been dating the same potted palm for the past two hours.

'Why can't I give you away?' pleaded Terri.

'Yer not father of the bride,' Colleen retorted. She shook her head, and her glasses fell off.

'Why can't I be father of...y'know, why can't I be the dad thing?'

''Cos y'not my father.'

'How d'you know?'

''cos my da's not a girl. You're a girl, and my dad's not a girl.'

'I might be in dishguise.'

'Issh not a good one. Y'still look like Thetersa.'

'Aw, shit...'

'That,' said Ksenia, pointing at the window. 'That'sh another sorta ship that I never drove.' So far, she'd clocked off to Leila about ninety types of ship that she'd never driven.

Leila blinked at the ship. Despite the fact that the Psi-2000 in the air now outweighed the normal oxygen content - some viruses breed like, well, viruses, she was fairly sure that, unlike the hot pink Daleks she'd seen earlier, the ships outside the Compromise were actually outside the Compromise.

'Look, guys!!' she called. 'Ice-cream ships!'

Everyone in the bar (or, at least, those still capable of self-directed locomotion), ran toward the viewing ports to look. Leila found herself squashed against the plexiglass, and so made blowfish faces on it.

'Izshit da copsh?' asked Graham. 'Are they here f-for me?'

'Not for me?' asked Bobbi.

'No, not for you,' replied Colleen. 'You can 'ave shome later.'

On the bridge of her ship, Chick collapsed onto the floor. With the logic about the Hawaiian interstate highways, Ratbat had finally exhausted her ability to form logical responses.

'!' she squeaked.

'Back to this, innit, Chick?' said Ratbat, obviously (and possibly justifiably) pleased with herself.

'...'

Marche - Tchaikovsky (rock version)

'Thing is, you might have fifteen years of public speaking, be the school debating champion, won the Douse Trophy three times, and have been doing Toastmasters even before the name sounded funny...but I'm full of crap.'

'@#%*!'

'Och, stop speaking in punctuation marks, and fulfill your part of the bargain.'

With Reed's aid, Chick got to her feet. 'You haven't finished with me, dry-arse.'

'Chick - either lower your weapons, or I'll sit here and explain to you why you should lower your weapons.'

With the antidote to the Psi-2000 stolen from the CCEGGS sick room and replicated, life on the Compromise was slowly returning to normal. Normal, of course, being to the Compromise what running shoes are to an eel.

Graham stepped into the turbolift, followed by Ruth. 'Bridge, thanks, Barry,' he said. 'I don't see what your problem is,' he continued to his companion.

'My problem, Henstock, is your treatment of one of my security officers.'

'Look - I didn't spear Nic in the first place, so you can't hold me for that.'

'And what about what happened since?'

'I gave her a new eye, didn't I?'

'It was the wrong colour!'

Graham tried a shocked expression and failed. It had been too long since he'd truly had cause to actually be shocked, so he'd got a bit rusty. 'It's 2372, Ruth,' was all he said. 'You should know better than to try apartheid.'

She shook her head and they walked out onto the bridge. Euan had returned to his chair, and was on subspace to Vice-Admiral Mark 'Mark' Bishop.

'So...did Commander Sigma find out why Girls' Grammar had left great blobs of virus out there?'

'It was another one of her...friend's ideas,' explained Euan.

Leila jumped in. 'She figured that if we were all, um, indisposed, we wouldn't respond to the challenge, and then she'd be able to blow us away.'

'Where were you while all this was going on, Euan?'

'Um...otherwise occupied.' He and Chaedy had both agreed to get amnesia about the incident, so he didn't know that she'd already told it to half the engineering staff.

'I see. Why has this Collette chick got such a grudge against you guys?'

Euan shook his head. 'Old story, Admiral--'

'Mark,' corrected Mark.

'Old story, Mark. You don't wanna know.'

'Yes I do.'

Euan lowered his voice in an erroneous supposition that the others couldn't hear him. 'I'm covering for the fact that I don't know, Ad-- Mark.'

'I know. I just wanted to make you admit it.'

'Bastard.'

'Pardon?'

'He said "bastard", Mark,' piped up Graham.

'Thank you, Graham,' replied the Vice-Admiral. 'I'll be sure to make a note of that. Starfleet out.'

Euan sighed. 'You just had to do that, didn't you, hairy?' he groaned at Graham. Graham smiled the smile of the totally-guilty-but-empowered-to-relieve-you-of-command-whenever-I-feel-like-it.

Euan turned back to the conn. 'Lieutenant Larkins, you have our co-ordinates. Plot a course.'

'You got it.'

Euan paused. 'Where's Terri?' he wondered aloud.

'Woman's problems,' replied Colleen over her shoulder.

'Oh.'

Leila went over to her. 'What is it really?' she whispered. Colleen told her. 'I see.' She scowled and returned to her seat.

Menstruation. What a feeble excuse.

'Course plotted,' called back Damien.

Euan looked from his Counsellor to his Second Officer. Girls. He'd never understand them.

'Mister Larkins - engage.'

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