with apologies to Gene Roddenberry
CAST OF CHARACTERS
CAPTAIN EUAN BOWEN
Commanding Officer
COMMANDER URAC ‘RATBAT’ SIGMA
First Officer
COUNSELLOR LEILA FETTER
Counsellor
CHIEF ROBYN SCHOLES
Chief Engineer
DR GRAHAM HENSTOCK
Chief Medical Officer
S
Omnipotent being
COURT PROSECUTOR
| THEME MUSIC BEGIN. | ||
| ANNOUNCER: | Star Trek: The Last Generation Episode 2A - Round the S-Bend by Urac Sigma. | |
| EUAN: | Space - one of the final frontiers. These are the voyages of the starship Compromise. Its continuing mission: To explore cheap new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilisations where they just happen to speak English. To boldly go inbetween behind beyond what no one has gone inbetween behind beyond before...backwards. | |
| THEME MUSIC FINISH. | ||
| EUAN: | Captain’s log, stardate 007. I am returning to my first command, the CSS Compromise after a short period of enforced shore leave-- | |
| RATBAT: | You were in gaol. | |
| EUAN: | That was just a theme hotel. | |
| RATBAT: | Then how come Dr Graham had to bail you out of there? | |
| EUAN: | I just forgot my wallet, that’s all. (Log) After a short period of shore leave, I am looking forward to resuming my duties as captain of the fleet’s flagship. My first officer, Commander Sigma, however likes to refer to the Compromise not so much as a flagship as a bumper-stickership. | |
| RATBAT: | Well, it is! Anyway, I don’t what you’re on about. We’re in the bleedin’ elevator, there’s no logs in here! | |
| EUAN: | Do you want to be demoted? | |
| RATBAT: | Yes. | |
| EUAN: | Umm...well, you’re not. | |
| LIFT DOORS. | ||
| RATBAT: | Captain on the bridge! | |
| LEILA: | Euan! Um, Captain Euan! Erm...good to have you back, sir. | |
| EUAN: | What’s going on? Where is everyone? I had a senior staff of more than four! | |
| BOBBI: | Well...everyone else has gone away, haven’t they? | |
| EUAN: | But why? Where’s Lieutenant O’Ferez? | |
| LEILA: | She had a nasty experience with a Ferengi, and she’s locked herself in the toilet for the rest of this tour of duty. | |
| EUAN: | Lieutenant Hick? | |
| BOBBI: | (Whispers something) | |
| EUAN: | What? With the CMO? And Merv Hughes? | |
| BOBBI: | ‘fraid so. | |
| RATBAT: | That must’ve taken some doing. | |
| BOBBI: | Oh, it did. Twenty times before they got it right. | |
| EUAN: | The Transporter Chief? | |
| BOBBI: | Oh, she’s here. We just never talk to her. | |
| EUAN: | Oh. Science Officer Forde? | |
| LEILA: | She had an adverse reaction to too much hormone treatment. | |
| EUAN: | Was Forde on hormones? | |
| RATBAT: | Aahhh...no. She just got a bit too bored in her lab one night and decided to go on an experimental binge. She’ll recover in a while, but right now she looks like a ZZ Top member with a bustline. | |
| EUAN: | Well, where is that hairy bastard that calls himself a doctor? | |
| BOBBI: | Oh, he’s ri-- | |
| F.X. EUAN BEING TACKLED TO FLOOR. | ||
| GRAHAM: | How are you, Euan? You well? | |
| EUAN: | Christ, Graham, don’t you have anything better to do, like, Oh I don’t know...treat patients? | |
| GRAHAM: | Nah. | |
| LEILA: | Actually, Graham, according to this, Ensign Douglas-Major is waiting for you in sickbay now. | |
| GRAHAM: | Ah, let her wait. | |
| LEILA: | It’s for a breast examination. | |
| GRAHAM: | What? Well, why didn’t you say so? | |
| F.X. LIFT DOOR OPEN. | ||
| EUAN: | You’ve got one of those mammogram machines, then? | |
| GRAHAM: | Euan...I always find that my sense of taste is far more efficient than any piece of technology. | |
| F.X. LIFT DOORS SHUT. | ||
| EUAN: | Right. Fine. He’s no better. Robyn, what’s our current course? | |
| BOBBI: | Um, nowhere yet. We’re still waiting for orders from NSF command. | |
| RATBAT: | Um...speaking of orders, I’ve just checked the security panel, and well, it seems we have an intruder. | |
| EUAN: | What? An intruder? Here on the Compromise? | |
| LEILA: | (Sarcastic) Nah, Euan, a bar fridge, over on the Enterprise. What do you think she said? | |
| EUAN: | Hey - less of that. I don’t care how similar we are - this is not the Enterprise! Where’s the intruder, Number One? | |
| RATBAT: | Well, I’m hardly the best to read this thing, but I’d say, ooohh...about two metres in front of me. | |
| EUAN, LEILA & BOBBI: | What? | |
| S: | Greetings! | |
| EUAN: | Ah! Who are you? How did you get onto my ship? And Leila, don’t start that thing about how it’s really Starfleet’s ship, not mine. | |
| S: | Gaining access to a puny vessel such as this is pure simplicity for one of my ilk. | |
| EUAN: | What ilk’s that? | |
| S: | Where I come from is unpronounceable in your puny human tongue. | |
| RATBAT: | Ye mean ye don’t know. | |
| S: | I do! I just choose not to! You might s-- | |
| RATBAT: | Crap, you’ve forgotten. | |
| S: | Silence! Will you be turned into a bat? | |
| RATBAT: | I didn’t get these ears by thinking loud thoughts, mate. | |
| S: | Ah! Anyway, you might just say that I’m from the continuum. | |
| BOBBI: | The Q Continuum? | |
| S: | No, that’s two doors down. | |
| LEILA: | Then you’re from...the S Continuum! | |
| S: | (Sigh) Yes... | |
| EUAN: | Why are you here? | |
| S: | For the past twenty-three hundred and forty-two years, your planet and its people have been of little or no concern to us. | |
| RATBAT: | Us who? | |
| S: | Us the Continuum, you dozy, air-head, space-cadet bitch! We’re a race of omnipotent, all-powerful beings, so you’d better not piss us off, all right? | |
| BOBBI: | Wait a minute...2342 years? What was it that happened in...31 AD? | |
| S: | Oh, someone on your planet did a little trick with some loaves and fishes that we found particularly endearing. Enough of her, though...I’ve got other fish to fry! | |
| F.X. LIFT DOORS. | ||
| GRAHAM: | Nice...! I needed that! I wonder why-- My God, S! | |
| S: | Uh-oh. | |
| GRAHAM: | I’m right - it’s S, isn’t it? | |
| S: | Um...no. | |
| GRAHAM: | Course it is! How could you forget, eh? That little pub on Rigel VII... You ended up pissed as a toilet and woke up next to a two-metre-tall Klingon bouncer! | |
| S: | Be quiet. | |
| GRAHAM: | And then that night on Risa...hahahahahahahaha. | |
| S: | Shut it! As I was saying, it has come to our attention that you Earthlings are starting to get too big for your Dr Martens. And we don’t like it. | |
| EUAN: | Ha! And what makes you think you can stop us? | |
| RATBAT: | You’ve got a pretty strange version of what ‘all-powerful’ means, haven’t you, Captain? | |
| S: | Unfortunately, however, those in the Continuum who hold the real power - the TV programmers - have subscribed to this rather twisted notion of...fair play. | |
| LEILA: | ...and that means you let us go on our way, and we drop the whole thing, right? | |
| S: | I’m tempted to engage you in a battle of wits, but I think that might be stretching the definition of ‘fair play’ just a bit. | |
| GRAHAM: | Then let’s have a drinking competition! | |
| S: | No way, not after last time. An omnipotent being only earns so much, I can’t afford all the child support I seem to end up with because of nights out with you! | |
| GRAHAM: | Oh, yeah, I’d forgotten I’d blamed you for that. | |
| S: | You are to be put on trial. | |
| BOBBI: | Why? What have we done? | |
| S: | You are being chosen as representatives of your race. You are all human. Well, except him. I’ve never seen a human with that much body hair. (Pause) And her - I’ve never seen a human that looks like that before. And-- Well, you’re on a ship owned by humans, so that’s bad enough. I will give you a short time to prepare your defence...and then, let the trial begin! | |
| F.X. S DISAPPEARS. (I know we didn’t have this before, but that was so we could do the intruder gag.) | ||
| BOBBI: | Well! This is a situation, isn’t it? | |
| RATBAT: | Yep. It’s a situation all right. It’s definitely not a steak or a bicycle pump. | |
| LEILA: | Right! What are our options? | |
| EUAN: | I say we run for it. Robyn, take over at the conn. Set a course 0 mark 0, warp-- | |
| RATBAT: | There’s no use running for it, Captain! | |
| GRAHAM: | The guy’s omnipotent! | |
| EUAN: | Just because someone can’t get an erection, doesn’t mean they’re fast. | |
| GRAHAM: | That’s not omnipotent, Euie - that’s impotent! Like you. | |
| EUAN: | Me? Excuse me, Dr Fest, if anyone’s impotent around here, it’s you! | |
| GRAHAM: | Bullshit! I’ll have you know, Captain, I can have an erection any time I want! | |
| EUAN: | Well, so can I. | |
| GRAHAM: | Yeah? | |
| EUAN: | Yeah. | |
| GRAHAM: | Go on, then! | |
| EUAN: | No, you first! | |
| GRAHAM: | All right, then, watch this! (Straining noises) | |
| EUAN: | Ha! Well, I-- | |
| BOBBI: | Oh, please, you two, even I’ve had one by now. | |
| LEILA: | Really? And while you were sitting in my chair, too. Hmm. | |
| EUAN: | God. OK. Gotta think. It’s not easy. I did a course on it once, but I failed. Um, Number One - check the long-range sensors. Look for anything we can use to our advantage. Maybe there’s an interplanetary Mormons’ convention, and we can bore him shitless. | |
| RATBAT: | Small problem on the sensors there, darling. | |
| EUAN: | Now what? | |
| RATBAT: | It’s just that they’ve turned into a defendants’ platform. | |
| EUAN: | What? | |
| F.X. GAVEL. GAVEL. GAVEL. | ||
| GRAHAM: | I’d say our prep time is up, wouldn’t you, guys? | |
| EUAN: | Captain’s log, stardate Pi. As representatives of the humans of Earth - though how those four qualify as typical examples, I can’t imagine - myself, my first officer, the ship’s counsellor, chief engineer and medical officer have been transported to a strange alien courtroom to answer for the crimes of mankind--ow!! | |
| LEILA: | Humankind, dear. | |
| RATBAT: | You always choose the strangest times to make log entries, you know that? | |
| EUAN: | It has to be done, Number One. | |
| RATBAT: | That’s another thing. I’m second-in-command, and ye sometimes call me Number One... | |
| EUAN: | Yeah... | |
| RATBAT: | ...and Lieutenant Hick’s third-in-command, and you sometimes call her Number Two... | |
| EUAN: | Yeah, so...? | |
| RATBAT: | Does that make you Number Zero? | |
| EUAN: | Shut up. | |
| S: | Order in the court! Judge S presiding...Captain Euan Bowen, Commander Urac Sigma, Lieutenant Commander Graham Henstock, Chief Robyn Scholes, and Lieutenant Commander Leila Fetter, you all stand accused with being the products of a dangerous, savage race of intergalactic bipedal misfits. | |
| BOBBI: | That sounds serious. Wish I knew what it meant. | |
| S: | (Sigh) It means you come from a planet of tossers, OK? | |
| GRAHAM: | If we happen to, say, lose this case, what would our, um, sentence be? | |
| S: | Your entire race and history will be reduced to the wastelands of oblivion, wiped from the face of time, and doomed never to have existed, leaving room for a far more constructive civilisation. | |
| GRAHAM: | Right. I don’t suppose we could do a deal and get off with being fined a few strips of latinum? | |
| S: | No. | |
| GRAHAM: | Don’t suppose you want to let us off? | |
| S: | No. | |
| GRAHAM: | Look! Over there! | |
| S: | No. | |
| GRAHAM: | Sorry, guys, that’s all the legal stuff I can think of. | |
| BOBBI: | Actually, can I just point out that this is totally against the Geneva Convention!? | |
| S: | Can I just point out that we’re not in Geneva? | |
| BOBBI: | Picky. | |
| RATBAT: | Give us some specific charges! Ye canna just expect us to sit back and guess at what we’ve done? | |
| S: | Very well. Prosecutor! | |
| PROSECUTOR: | Yah, wossup, guv? | |
| S: | Read a specific charge for the brunette with the sagging chest. | |
| PROSECUTOR: | Righty-ho, chief. (Ahem) I put it to you all, that on the night of the sixteenth of December, 2366, you were all vigorously engaged in being members of a dangerous, savage race of bipedal misfits. | |
| S: | I’m sorry. He’s about as good with ‘specific’ as Euan there is with ‘omnipotent’. | |
| EUAN: | Hey, it’s not my fault! My mother didn’t teach me about stuff like that! | |
| S: | Oh, God, we don’t have time for another erection gag now. A more specific charge, if you will, Mr Prosecutor... | |
| PROSECUTOR: | OK, then, squires and squirettes. 1485. The Battle of Bosworth Field. Gonna tell me that was just another day, uh? | |
| LEILA: | Aaah! We weren’t even there! | |
| S: | But members of your race were. And hundreds of them died. | |
| BOBBI: | Didn’t you say we were crap anyway? | |
| S: | Um...yes. | |
| GRAHAM: | Then what do you care? | |
| S: | Oh, all right. Court Prostitute... | |
| PROSECUTOR: | Sir! | |
| S: | Oh, I forgot - it’s before five. Prosecutor...find me a charge levelled specifically at these five humans that had direct consequences for other races. | |
| PROSECUTOR: | Members of the sludgey terrapin vomit race known as homo terra, you stand accused that on the eleventh of December 2371, you did willfully and with intent use the shuttlecraft Duff, one of your vessel’s supplementary vehicles. | |
| EUAN: | Uh? | |
| LEILA: | December the eleventh...that was my one thousand and sixtieth birthday party! | |
| S: | You are over one thousand years old? | |
| LEILA: | No...not my 1060th birthday, my 1060th birthday party! | |
| S: | Right. Fine. Can we get any charges about them being pisspots? | |
| PROSECUTOR: | Unfortunately not, sir. There’s that old thing about practicing what you preach. | |
| S: | We’re not pisspots. | |
| PROSECUTOR: | Quite the contrary, sir. In fact, every Friday, the entire Continuum goes out raging. | |
| S: | No, we d-- Oh. That explains a lot. | |
| EUAN: | Excuse me, can we get back to the point here? How does someone using the Duff directly affect another race on a significant scale? | |
| S: | While one Dr Graham Henstock was out moon-hopping during that party, he decided that it might be interesting to fire an empty beer can out through the ejection chute instead of simply vaporising it. | |
| PROSECUTOR: | Or recycling. He could’ve recycled it. Recycling’s very-- | |
| S: | Oh, do be quiet. After this beer can went into space, it proceeded to drift for two months. | |
| RATBAT: | And you’re going to tell us about every single day of it, aren’t you? | |
| S: | Silence, or I’ll hold you in contempt of court! | |
| RATBAT: | I thought I was doomed never to have existed anyway. | |
| PROSECUTOR: | Well, you could be doomed never to have existed and have a fifty-strip fine on your head! | |
| RATBAT: | Fine. I’ll just sit here and take drugs, shall I? | |
| PROSECUTOR & S: | (Discussion) | |
| PROSECUTOR: | Nope, that’s fine. | |
| S: | As I was saying, after this can had drifted for two months, it collided with a detection satellite belonging to the world of Candarvis II. This caused a slight eccentricity in the satellite’s readout, and instead of transmitting a message informing the capital city of impending rain, it sent the message, ‘No chicken fartlepants, Commander. I will subjugate cream in Calcutta.’ This meant that no-one knew of the change in the weather, and a power plant worker didn’t pick up an umbrella on the way to work. As a result, she developed a slight cold. Because her judgement was impaired by illness, she miscalculated on the safety levels for a nuclear reactor, eventually causing an explosion so massive that it would eventually tear the planet out of its orbit and send it crashing into the sun, killing everyone on it!! | |
| PAUSE. | ||
| GRAHAM: | (As if making a point) Whoops. | |
| S: | Is that specific enough for you? | |
| BOBBI: | (Long intake) Yeeaahhhhh - I think we can answer that one. | |
| PROSECUTOR: | So, given the grievous charges before you, and knowing that not only do you answer for your entire race, but that you are facing a possible sentence of utter annihilation, how do you plead? | |
| S: | GUILTY OR INNOCENT? | |
| DRAMATIC. | ||
| GRAHAM: | I’m taking the fifth! | |
| S: | What? | |
| GRAHAM: | The fifth amendment. I refuse to say anything on the grounds that I may incriminate myself. | |
| PAUSE. | ||
| S: | Can he do that? | |
| PROSECUTOR: | Unfortunately, yes, sir. It’s perfectly legal. | |
| S: | Argghh! Very well, then, go! | |
| F.X. MATERIALISATION. | ||
| BOBBI: | We’re back on the bridge. | |
| EUAN: | Oh, thanks, Chief, I hadn’t noticed... | |
| S: | You might have escaped this time, Terrans...but don’t think you won’t be meeting me again. | |
| GRAHAM: | Well...no! If you remember, we’ve actually got a rendezvous on Galganath VII next week...you know, same time every century, eh...? | |
| S: | Oh, do piss off. | |
| F.X. S DEMATERIALISES. | ||
| GRAHAM: | Well, fine! I’ll take Euan, then. Ever been to a Klingon bath-house, Euie? I’ll take you there. You see, they get in some of those green Orion-- | |
| EUAN: | Graham... | |
| GRAHAM: | Yes, Captain? | |
| EUAN: | Later. | |
| GRAHAM: | Up yours. | |
| EUAN: | Right, OK...well, if the rest of the crew can’t be bothered to show their heads, then we’ll just have to go without them! Ms Scholes, take the conn...(big line) let’s see what’s out there. | |
| LEILA: | Ummm, spacedock, actually. | |
| EUAN: | What? | |
| BOBBI: | She’s right. There’s nothing out there but the hangar walls. We might have been to an ethereal trial and back, but the Compromise hasn’t actually moved. | |
| EUAN: | Ah. | |
| GRAHAM: | All right, then, let’s use this Contraceptive-class starship for what they made it for! | |
| RATBAT: | Exploration? | |
| EUAN: | Representation as flagship of the Narrabundah StarFleet? | |
| GRAHAM: | Nah...! Let’s go cruising for chicks! | |
| THEME MUSIC BEGIN. | ||
| ANNOUNCER: | That was The Last Generation, a ZPI production. It starred Euan Bowen, Leila Fetter, Graham Henstock, Robyn Scholes and Urac Sigma. It was written by Urac Sigma, with sincere apologies to the late Gene Roddenberry. | |
| THEME MUSIC PLAYOUT. | ||
| F.X.HUGE METALLIC CLANG. | ||
| BOBBI: | You know...I think maybe we should have opened the docking bay doors before we started the engines. | |
| EUAN: | Shut up and go away. |