with apologies to Gene Roddenberry
CAST OF CHARACTERS
CAPTAIN EUAN BOWEN
A Commanding Officer
COMMANDER URAC ‘RATBAT’ SIGMA
A First Officerf
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER LEILA FETTER
A Counsellor
CHIEF ROBYN SCHOLES
A Chief Engineer
DR GRAHAM HENSTOCK
A Chief Medical Officer, festy perv by appointment
LIEUTENANT RK CRABB
A Chief of Security
COMMANDER BEN DISCO
Another Commanding Officer
LIEUTENANT JADZIA TROUSERS
A Chief Science Officer and jumped-up plot device
CONSTABLE DODO
An ineffectual police officer
LIEUTENANT DR JULIAN BRASSIERE
Another Chief Medical Officer, jumped-up plot device and prat
BORIS GARAK
A Cardassian boutique owner
KAI SAKIT
A spiritual leader and irritating old biddy (Thursdays only)
QUIRK
What’ll it be?
| THEME MUSIC BEGIN. | |
| ANNOUNCER: | Star Trek: The Last Generation Episode 2B - Deep Shit Nine by Leila Fetter. |
| THEME MUSIC END. | |
| EUAN: | [official voice] Captain’s Log, Stardate 90210. The Compromise has been requested to visit the station Deep Shit Nine, which is on the way to the Gamma Quadrant. We intend... |
| F.X. DOOR. | |
| GRAHAM: | Euan! How are you, Captain? You well? |
| EUAN: | [normal speech] Piss off, Graham. [Noise of E walloping G] I’m doing a log entry. |
| GRAHAM: | Oh, aren’t we big? |
| EUAN: | Bigger than you, Mr Micro-Nob. Ahem. [back to official mode] We intend to visit the Gamma Quadrant for official first contact with unknown species, but first, Starfleet has asked us...to...Graham...where are you going...? [Door FX again] |
| GRAHAM: | I’m going to the pub! |
| EUAN: | Ah, shit. Oh, look, I’ll go with you, OK? |
| GRAHAM: | OK. |
| F.X. DOOR. THEN BAR. | |
| EUAN: | Ratbat! Leila! Robyn! How are you all? |
| RATBAT: | None the better for seeing you two. Graham, weren’t ye supposed to do something about this outbreak of German Measles? |
| GRAHAM: | Yep. I did. |
| BOBBI: | Did what? |
| GRAHAM: | I posted a notice saying `Don’t get German measles, I can’t treat it’. People should know after that! If they get it now, it’s their own fault. |
| LEILA: | Your medical credibility doesn’t exist, does it? |
| GRAHAM: | Nup. We always manage to get Ksenia to deal with anything really difficult. |
| LEILA: | Hmm...Where are we going now anyway, Captain? |
| PAUSE. | |
| BOBBI: | That’s you, Euan! |
| EUAN: | Eh? What? Sorry, I was attempting to communicate with Emma with my mind. |
| BOBBI: | Klingons aren’t telepathic. |
| EUAN: | I didn’t say it was working! |
| LEILA: | I said, where are we going? |
| EUAN: | Deep Shit Nine. |
| LEILA: | Isn’t that Ben Disco’s command? |
| RATBAT: | Yes! Och, good old Ben! I haven’t seen him since he was doing the hot sand dance! It’ll be nice to see what he’s doing! |
| F.X. FADE BAR NOISES. UP BRIDGE NOISES. | |
| EUAN: | Lieutenant Hick, open hailing frequencies. |
| PAUSE. | |
| EUAN: | Where’s Colleen? |
| RATBAT: | She’s...not here, Captain. |
| EUAN: | Well someone open hailing frequencies! |
| LEILA: | I’ll do it! |
| F.X. BEEP. | |
| LEILA: | [Mutters] God, do I have to do everything for you? Shall I wipe your butt, or blow your nose...? |
| EUAN: | This is Captain Euan Bowen of the starship Compromise. We wish to... |
| TROUSERS: | This is Jadzia Trousers of Deep Shit Nine. Forget the formalities, come on board. Ben wants to see you all again. |
| EUAN: | Oh. OK. |
| F.X. OPS NOISES. | |
| DISCO: | Ah, Euan! Good to see you again! |
| EUAN: | Likewise. What’s up? Why did Starfleet want us here? |
| DISCO: | We have the Kai from Bajor visiting us. Since we lost the last one, Starfleet want to make sure this one stays safe, so they sent...for...you guys? What a dumb idea! |
| EUAN: | Well sorry! Anyway, where is this Kai person of yours? We may as well do that Starfleet formal greeting bullshit. |
| DISCO: | All right. |
| [New scene] | |
| KAI: | Who are you? |
| EUAN: | I’m Captain Euan Bowen of the USS Compromise, and these are my crew. How are you? |
| KAI: | What are you doing here? |
| EUAN: | We’re here....um....I can’t remember... |
| BOBBI: | We’re on a passing visit, your Honour, and came to pay our respects. |
| KAI: | Oh, piss off! I came here to get away from sycophantic morons for a few days! |
| RATBAT: | Well there’s no need to be rude! If you don’t want us here, just say so! |
| KAI: | I did say so! Go away! |
| F.X. DOOR SLAMS. | |
| EUAN: | Well, wasn’t she friendly? |
| GRAHAM: | Ah, she’s just playing hard-to-get. |
| PAUSE. | |
| BOBBI: | Graham, I know that look. Don’t even think it. |
| GRAHAM: | [innocent] Think what? |
| BOBBI: | You know. You were thinking it. |
| FADE. | |
| EUAN | [official] Captain’s log, stardate 4711. It appears that in the night, the Kai was set upon and beaten by an unknown assailant. She is still unconscious in infirmary, where Graham and Dr Julian Brassiere are taking care of her. Security chief Crabb and Constable Dodo are working on the case. This whole business is making Starfleet look a bit silly... |
| F.X. INFIRMARY. | |
| DODO: | Now was there any evidence at all? |
| GRAHAM: | No, none. She was left on the doorstep like this. |
| DODO: | Well, can’t you wake her up? |
| BRASSIERE: | That would be very unwise. Waking her up could kill her, and we can’t risk losing another Kai. Ah, this reminds me of that time at Starfleet Academy...did I tell you I graduated second in my year? Ah, those were the days...I was pulling women out of the trees... |
| RUTH: | Oh shut up, you boring old fart! Let’s just concentrate on the case. You’re sure there are no leads and no suspects at all? [sigh] How typical! |
| BRASSIERE: | If you like, I’ll ask the local informant. He usually knows the inside information on what goes on around DS9. |
| DODO: | Would he be any help at all? |
| GRAHAM: | [nervous] It’s worth a try. |
| PROMENADE. | |
| BORIS: | Ah, my dear Doctor Brassiere! How nice to see you! How are you? Would you like to buy this lovely silk negligée? |
| BRASSIERE: | Not today, thanks Boris. I’m actually after some information. |
| BORIS: | Ah, a little information can be a man’s undoing. I think it would be very unwise. But perhaps you would be interested in this new coat? It is orange camel-hair - very much in fashion this season. |
| BRASSIERE: | Er... yeah. |
| NEW SCENE. | |
| BRASSIERE: | And then he went on about orange camel-hair being in fashion! |
| DODO: | And that was all? |
| BRASSIERE: | Yes! It was very perplexing! I mean, first of all, I didn’t even tell him what I wanted to know. And orange camel-hair went out with anoraks! |
| RUTH: | Is it possible he was referring to clothes when he meant something else? |
| DODO: | Yes...he’s done that before, hasn’t he, Julian? |
| BRASSIERE: | Don’t ask me, I’m just a jumped-up plot device! |
| DODO: | Now listen... |
| BRASSIERE: | It’s your case! You solve it! |
| F.X. DOOR SLAM. | |
| RUTH: | Maybe we’d better talk to Commander Disco. |
| F.X. DOOR | |
| RUTH: | Ah! Here he is now! |
| DISCO: | Have you any news? The people on Bajor are getting really pissed off. |
| RUTH: | So far our only lead is an orange camel-hair coat, and somehow I don’t think it’s going to be very helpful if we pull it in for questioning. |
| DISCO: | We can try! I’ll get Trousers to run some tests on it, shall I? |
| RUTH: | [sigh] I think you’ve missed the point, sir... |
| F.X. INFIRMARY | |
| TROUSERS: | Julian, have you seen this? |
| BRASSIERE: | Ooh, I thought you’d never ask! |
| F.X. SLAP. | |
| TROUSERS: | Get off, you freak! I was talking about this, underneath the Kai’s fingernails. |
| GRAHAM: | Er...it’s probably nothing important. |
| TROUSERS: | I’m not so sure, Graham. Oh, could you please go and get some [misc. technobabble]. |
| F.X. DOOR. | |
| TROUSERS: | I don’t trust that CMO. He smells funny. Anyway, here. What do you think of this? |
| PAUSE. | |
| BRASSIERE: | It’s orange camel-hair! |
| Dramatic pause. Put in Beethoven’s 5th if you like. | |
| TROUSERS: | You go and talk to Boris Garak. I’ll run some tests on it. |
| BRASSIERE: | Wait a moment! How did you know what Boris told me? |
| TROUSERS: | You’re not the only jumped up plot device around here. |
| PROMENADE. F.X. DOOR OPENS. | |
| BORIS: | Ah! Doctor Brassiere! Have you reconsidered the silk negligée? |
| BRASSIERE: | I want you to tell me everything you know about orange camel-hair! |
| [slight pause] | |
| BORIS: | Oh, I see. You completely mis-interpreted the clue I gave you. |
| BRASSIERE: | So? Tell me! |
| BORIS: | Look, I’m not going to go into details, but if you wait till your colleague finishes running tests on whatever you found, you may be very surprised at the results. |
| BRASSIERE: | Grr! |
| BORIS: | Tut, Doctor! When you get angry, the colour in your face goes all blotchy. It is most unbecoming. Try to maintain your composure in all situations. Your commander does. Now he is such a calm, wooden man...[fade out] |
| INFIRMARY. FX. DOOR OPENS. Dodo has just gone in. | |
| TROUSERS: | Dodo, I’ve got some remarkable news! |
| DODO: | Yes? |
| TROUSERS: | This piece of orange camel-hair. It... it isn’t camel-hair! |
| DODO: | What? |
| TROUSERS: | It’s human! |
| DODO: | But...who on board this vessel has hair that looks like orange camel-hair? |
| TROUSERS: | Hmmmm... |
| F.X. Bar noises - QUIRK’S. | |
| GRAHAM: | It wasn’t my fault! Honest! I didn’t beat her up! It’s all a big mistake! |
| LEILA: | Graham, will you please calm down and tell me from the beginning? Look...Quirk, get him a drink, will you? |
| QUIRK: | Certainly...are you paying? |
| F.X. PUNCH. | |
| QUIRK: | I’ll take that as a no. |
| LEILA: | You got it. [Pause. Glugging noise, as of drink being drunk] Right. You feel better now? |
| GRAHAM: | Oh, boy, I haven’t felt like this since I encountered sentient toilet-paper! |
| LEILA: | So what happened? |
| GRAHAM: | You see, I thought that Kai person was a bit of all right, you know? So I thought I’d...like...you know... |
| LEILA: | I see, you thought you’d elbow her. |
| GRAHAM: | Well...kind of. Anyway, I made a grab...we were up on the Promenade, you see, and... she shoved me away, and... |
| LEILA: | And? |
| GRAHAM: | Well, you see, she sort of...fell down a couple of flights of stairs... |
| LEILA: | Oh great. |
| GRAHAM: | It wasn’t my fault! So anyway, I picked her up, took her to the infirmary, tried to make her comfortable...but she managed somehow to grab my beard, and got it stuck under her nails. They eventually found it, and... now they think it’s orange camel-hair... |
| LEILA: | [laughing] I can see that! Anyway, |
| F.X. DOOR. | |
| LEILA: | here’s the Captain. I think you’d better explain this to him yourself. |
| GRAHAM: | Ah, Euie...you’re not going to believe this...[fade] |
| F.X. READY ROOM. | |
| EUAN: | Stardate 911...We’ve now heard CMO Henstock’s full explanation. He apparently tried to pull the Kai, and was rejected. The motion of the Kai shoving him away caused her fall. The crew of DS9 have decided to let him off without a charge, as long as we go away right now and never come back, and this is OK with all of us. The Kai is also expected to make a full recovery. We don’t know why Boris Garak saw fit to bring in orange camel-hair. He probably meant it as an obscure metaphor for something else. But anyway, now we’re all safe and sound, and it’s time for... GI JOES vs TRANSFORMERS!!!! AAAGHHH! |
| F.X. Sounds of plastic toys being played with vigorously, with Euie doing silly voices for all of them. | |
| THEME MUSIC BEGIN. | |
| ANNOUNCER: | You have been listening to: Euan Bowen as Captain Euan Bowen, Boris Garak and Quirk; Robyn Scholes as Chief Robyn Scholes and Lieutenant Jadzia Trousers; Graham Henstock as CMO Graham Henstock and Constable Dodo; Leila Fetter as Lieutenant Commander Leila Fetter and Kai Sakit; Urac Sigma as Commander Urac ‘Ratbat’ Sigma, Commander Ben Disco and Dr Julian Brassiere; and special guest star Ruth Crabb as Lieutenant RK Crabb. |
These actually went to tape, and they have a real cast...
Captain Euan Bowen
S
Boris Garak
Quirk
Announcer [except end credits, Deep Shit Nine]
EUAN BOWEN
Commander Urac ‘Ratbat’ Sigma
Court prosecutor
Commander Ben Disco
Dr Julian Brassiere
URAC SIGMA
Counsellor Leila Fetter
Kai Sakit
LEILA FETTER
Dr Graham Henstock
Constable Dodo
GRAHAM HENSTOCK
Chief Robyn Scholes
Lieutenant Jadzia Trousers
Announcer [end credits, Deep Shit Nine]
ROBYN SCHOLES
Lieutenant RK Crabb
RUTH CRABB