'Repeat to yourself, it's just a show - I should really just relax.'

- Love Theme From Mystery Science Theatre 3000

Star Trek: The Last Generation created by Leila Fetter & Urac Daria Sigma

With apologies to the late Great Bird of the Galaxy, Gene Roddenberry

It was a dark time for the Student Rebellion...

....he ran two steps, tripped over his feet (size 12), and fell down a short flight of stairs into a small alcove, causing an avalanche of broken desks and chairs, and leaving General Jellybean to the tender mercies of Janitor the Hutt...

'Look! Isn't that Janitor the Hutt's spaceship?'
They all looked at it. It certainly seemed like a spacecraft; it had windows, a door, everything, but what was most terrifying was the General's flag (a large purple Jellybean) hung over the place where the Janitor's emblem was painted. (crossed broom and mop over a rubbish bin.)
'Wow! He's managed to overthrow Janitor the Hutt already? He's quicker than I thought!' exclaimed Nic. 'Oh well, I don't suppose it will do any harm to him,'

'....General Jellybean's joined forces with Mr Green and rebuilt the Death School, and he wants my help to destroy the Rebellion which blew up the old one,' he said.
The three girls exchanged meaningful glances.

'....I'll ask you again - why have you left the Rebellion?' Nic said.
The General sneered. 'Your Rebellion! It's nothing but a bunch of no-hopers trying to overthrow the people who are rightfully above you. I joined forces with Mr Green because he's right about what he's doing,' he replied scornfully.....

In the middle of the board, suspended like an ancient cabbage in mid-air, was the image of Darth Mrs Dry's brain. Mr Green rose from his chair and bowed...

'....you can't keep working for Mrs Dry like this. She's not going to reward you, and sooner or later you're going to displease her, and then you'll be thrown away - useless. I'm giving you a chance at a better existence. One with almost no rules, except the ones you make up yourself. Will you come with me?'
Mr Green stood there, his lemon yellow sleeveless sweater and paisley tie clashing gently in the afternoon sunlight. 'No,' he said finally. 'I won't.'

Nic sighed. 'I'm sorry, then.'

Adapted from:
Maths Wars - An inside history of the Student Rebellion of 2125 - 2129
by Leila Fetter.

It wasn't a dark and stormy night.

It's very difficult, when writing fiction that takes place in space, to come up with a good way of creating a sinister atmosphere, because there aren't thunderstorms in space, and it's dark all the time. But anyway.

It wasn't a dark and stormy night. But it should have been.

The lieutenants Leuning and Brideoake were currently in Nic's quarters having a deep and personal spiritual experience.

They had lit seven significant candles, and placed them at various points around the room.

There was sandalwood incense burning to ward off negative vibes.

A soft tape of Gregorian chants was playing.

The air was dim and smoky, full of half-heard whisperings and ethereal hands that touched but never felt.

As the two officers anointed each other with rose oil, thus achieving a state of oneness with the Universe and Being, the Compromise sailed gently through the eternal night of space.

Something horrible is about to happen.

It is, admittedly, rather unusual to state such a thing in the first chapter of a story, but without specific advanced stereo and video equipment, it's difficult to convey this message reliably without being really obvious about it.

But anyway.

Something horrible is about to happen. It is a blast from the pasts of three members of the crew, and it is a very unpleasant memory to all of them. But what goes around comes around, as they say. The past will keep coming back to haunt people.

This particular past took place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

'Let's do the Timewarp again!' sang Euan, along with the bridge audio system, which Robyn had rigged up to his Walkhuman. 'It's just a jump to the left...'

'EUAN!' yelled Ruth over the music.

'...and then a step to the right...'

'EUAAAANNNNN!!!!!!!'

Euan turned it off. 'That's Captain Bowen to you, Ms Crabb!'

'Whatever. Come and look at this.'

Euan waited.

'Oh, OK. Come and look at this, Captain. God, you're so insecure about your rank, it's disgusting.'

Euan snorted, and walked, with aplomb marred only by his tripping over his feet, to Ruth's console.

'Ah. I see,' he said.

There was a pause.

'What do you see?' Ruth asked eventually.

'I see a blob,' he replied.

Ruth sighed. 'All right. Ratbat!' she called.

The first officer, who was currently explaining why she should be allowed to be the flower person at Colleen and Rob's wedding, looked around. 'Go away, I'm busy.'

'This is important!'

'More important than this wedding? I dinna think so!'

Ruth threw her padd at the chiropteran.

'All right! I'm coming!'

Ratbat joined Euan looking over Ruth's shoulder. 'What's the big deal?'

'This is.' Ruth indicated the large blob on her screen.

'And that is..?'

'That, Ms Sigma, is an unidentified craft, and it's been gaining on us for the past three hours!'

Euan looked stunned. 'How fast are we going?'

'Warp eight,' came a voice from ops, where Colleen was actually doing her job for once.

The Captain stared at her. 'We're doing warp eight, and this unidentified ship is gaining on us? What is it?'

Ruth sighed. 'We don't know, Captain. That's what "unidentified" means.'

'Right. Put it on screen.'

Terri did so. They stared at it.

'Well, that's unusual. I didn't know you got spaceships in that shape,' Euan commented.

Colleen, finally forsaking her copy of Brides, stared. 'What is it?'

'I don't know,' said Ratbat. 'And I'm not sure I want to find out.'

Back in Nic's quarters, she and Fi had finished meditating upon the ultimate questions of life itself, and were eating strawberries dipped in melted chocolate.

'You've got it all over your face!' Nic giggled.

Fi giggled back. 'You've got it in your eyebrows!' she chortled.

The pair collapsed into fits of helpless laughter.

Nic dipped her finger in the chocolate bowl and began painting Fi's face with it.

Fi rubbed a handful though Nic's hair.

Nic did nothing.

Fi looked up in surprise. Nic was staring out of the viewing port with a sickened look on her face.

'What's up, Nic?' Fi asked.

Nic just pointed.

Fi looked. 'Oh shit,' she said.

Outside the Compromise was a large space-craft in the shape of a huge rubbish bin.

Nic hit her Comm badge. 'Leuning to Counsellor Fetter. You're not going to believe this!'

'I don't believe it!' the Counsellor exploded, as the three girls stared out the window.

'I told you,' Nic said.

'This is the worst thing that could possibly happen to us!'

'Oh, please, Leila, calm down! We must be able to defeat him! We did before,' Fi interrupted.

'We'd better inform the Captain.' Lieutenant Commander Fetter turned from the viewing port. A puzzled look came over her face. 'Nic?'

'What?'

'Why are there strawberries on the floor, and does it matter if they're trodden into the carpet?'

On the bridge, the Captain was currently crawling around in a sleeping bag, wrestling with Parker. This meant that he was remarkably disinterested in anything anyone had to say.[1]

The Counsellor seized the dog by his ear. 'Parker! Find the CMO!' she said. Parker ran off, barking, his passage marred only by his running headfirst into the turbolift door. 'Barry! Look after the puppy, will you?' she called.

Euan crawled out of the sleeping bag, stood up, and straightened his uniform. 'What's wrong?' he asked.

'That ship out there. It's hostile.' Nic said.

'How do you know?'

The trio exchanged glances.

'You see...' began Leila. 'Well, you know the story of how the College Federation was founded?

'Yes.'

'That ship is left over from the Mathematical Empire. It's General Jellybean's flagship.'

Euan looked puzzled. 'You can tell all that just from looking at it?'

The three exchanged glances again. That happens a lot when you're trying to explain something to Euan. 'You do it, Leila,' said Fi.

'Well,' she began, 'It was a dark time for the Student Rebellion...'

The story which followed is best summarised thusly, because originally it took 73 A4 pages to recount:

Now read on...

'And the thing is...' Leila continued, 'Well, remember who the two great heroes of that time were?'

'Yes, of course. The Honourable Nic...' Euan trailed off and stared at the security officer. 'YOU?'

Nic nodded.

'But that's impossible! That would mean that you're...how old?'

'About a hundred years younger than you,' she retorted.[3]

'So who does that make you, Fi?' the perplexed Captain asked.

'I was assistant pilot of Nic's ship. Fiona was my name.'

'And still is,' the Counsellor added.[4]

Euan still looked puzzled. 'But...what does that make you?' he asked Leila.

She looked a trifle embarrassed. 'I was...busy at the time.'

'For four years?'

'Yeah...?'

Euan looked disapproving. 'You mean you didn't stand up for the rights of all innocent Students throughout the universe like the rest of us did? Really, Leila, I'm ashamed of you!'

'Oh, all right! I was the poor sod who stood in the background and didn't say anything but actually came up with all the ideas, OK? Happy? I don't like advertising it!'

'Anyway, that's not important. Right now, we have to work out what to do,' interrupted Nic.

Ruth's console gave a beep. 'Captain! We're being hailed by the other ship!'

'Eh? What?' Euan, still trying to work out what his Counsellor was on about, was remarkably untogether.

'I'll put them on screen, shall I?'

'Um...'

She did so.

On the viewer was an odd pair, one a man in the shape of a large purple jellybean, and the other a man who looked about fifty, wearing a paisley tie and lime green sweater. The jellybean man was chuckling.

'Heh heh heh! So I finally catch up with you again, Honourable Nic!' he sneered.

Nic stood her ground. 'General. Mr Green. What can I do for you?'

'Hang on, hang on!' Euan interrupted. 'This is my ship! I'm the captain! I should be talking to these guys!'

Without taking her eyes off the screen, Leila hit him with her coffee mug.

'Actually, Miss Fetter...'

'Lieutenant Commander Fetter, thank you!'

'Whatever. It was the Captain who we wished to speak to in the first place,' said Mr Green. 'Captain, it appears that you have something I want and I have something you want. How would you like to trade?'

Euan stood with his mouth open.

Ratbat stood up. ''Ello there. I'm the second in command, and I think this is a bit beyond Baby Bowen here. What do you want that we've got?'

Mr Green gave a sneering grin. 'I want those three,' he said. 'Two hundred years, I waited for this moment, when I can finally have my revenge. Two hundred years of exile and torment...'

'All right, that'll do,' Ratbat interrupted. 'Ye sound like a bad version of Davros. So what do you have that's so important that we'll give up three of our crew-members for it?'

The purple jellybean man gave an evil chuckle. 'We know where the sacred Hair-Hat of the great Captain Kirk is, and unless you do as we ask, we will destroy it, heh heh heh!' he announced.

Euan sighed. 'Oh well,' he said to the trio, 'It's been fun knowing you lot. Have a nice death!'

'Captain! What on Earth do you think you're doing?' interrupted Ruth.

'Giving in. Isn't that what we're meant to do?'

'No!'

'Oh. Sorry.'

'Idiot!'

'Captain Idiot, Ms Crabb!' Euan stopped for a second. 'Captain Bowen, I mean!'

Mr Green broke in. 'Will you stop arguing and make a decision? We want your answer!'

There was a pause.

Nic said, 'Will you give us an hour to think it over?'

The General (that being who the purple jellybean bloke was, of course,)[5] glanced at Mr Green. 'Very well. One hour.'

Nic turned to her colleagues. 'We need to talk.'

The USS Compromise and the Flagship Filth sailed onward through the void.

That's a bit of erroneous phraseology, actually. They call space a void, but it isn't really, is it? I mean, space consists of the entire universe, right? And the universe is everything, right? And void means empty, right? See where I'm heading? How can something be empty if it has everything (and I mean everything) happily contained within it? Still, this old universe has a lot of empty space, and very little everything else, so I suppose 'void' isn't too inaccurate a term, but writers should really be careful about the way they choose to phrase things. If they went around claiming that the universe was empty all the time, they might accidentally end up being right, and then where would we all be...

Anyway.

About an hour has elapsed since I went off the track, so now let's rejoin our heroes on the Compromise.

The three girls who returned to the bridge were significantly subdued. They stood, in a row, in front of the viewer.

'Ruth,' said Leila, 'Please hail Mr Green.'

The maths teacher's face appeared on the screen. 'Have you come to a decision yet?' he asked.

'Yes,' replied Nic. 'We'll go with you, but only if you first show us where the Sacred Hairpiece is.'

Mr Green gave an evil leer. 'But of course! Prepare to beam over to my ship.'

In Transporter Room Seven, Emma the Techie was having a sculling competition with Graham.

'Sheven pintsh!' he said.

'Don' be shtoopid, anyone can shcull sheven pintsh of lager,' she replied, falling off her seat.

'No lager. Gin.'

'Wha..? You bin shculling gin and no tellin' me?'

'Yah. Hic.'

'Bashtad.'

The three girls wandered into the room. 'Leila, what are they doing?' asked Nic.

Leila, being a semi-medical officer, examined the prone form of Emma the Techie. 'Getting pissed,' she diagnosed.

'Can she still work the controls?'

'I doubt if she can see the controls.'

'Bugger.'

Fi examined the console. 'I think I can work this.'

Emma sat up. 'Oh yeah? It takshe shooprirorier brainsh to work thish wosshname.'

'Bullshit,' replied Fi calmly.

'Yeh. You're right. 's bullshit. All of it. No one ever believesh a word I shay. No even my beshesht friendsh. No one lovesh me...'

'I do, Emma!' Graham stumbled over to where she was leaning against the console.

'Thassh good, 'cosh I love you too. Three. Four. Five. All shixsh of you! You my beshtesht fend in the whole univershese. Beshtesht fends.' She sagged against Graham, who wrapped a pair of protective arms around her.

An idea seemed to strike him. 'Lesh go get a grink,' he slurred, giving the closest he could come to a wink, managing it with both eyes.

'We already got a drink. Losh of drinks.' Emma gave a drunken grin.

'Lesh go get more drinksh.'

'OK.'

The unsteady pair got through the door, on the third attempt, and lurched off in search of further entertainment.

'Fi?'

'Yeh, Nic?'

'Can you work it?'

'Yeah.'

'Good. Get us out of this madhouse.'

The USS Compromise and the Flagship Filth sailed onward through the not-void. Un-void. In-void. Anti-void. Void-less. De-void.

Bugger.

Accurate terminology certainly leaves a lot to be desired poetically.

'Follow our signal, and we will soon come to the nebula where you will find the missing hairpiece,' Mr Green said. His image disappeared from the viewer.

Euan turned to his bridge crew. 'Um. People! Hello!'

Several of them looked up from what they were doing, gave him a passing glance, and turned back.

'Hello! Anyone home?'

'Piss off, Euan, we know what to do,' Ruth replied.

'Fine! I don't care! I'm going to find the CMO! Ratti, you're in charge.'

He stormed into the turbolift. 'Take me to sickbay.'

'Say please!' the turbolift retorted.

'Barry, I am your Commanding Officer, and I command you to take me to sickbay immediately!'

The lift remained impassive.

'Oh all right. Please take me to sickbay.'

'Certainly!' The lift started moving. 'You see where good manners get you?'

Euan stepped off the turbolift, and wandered into sickbay. The McMillan sisters were there playing cards with the Ensigns McCulloch and Wylie.

'Hello! Where's Graham?' Euan asked.

'Sure does!' answered Nicole.

Euan glared. 'I mean, where is he?'

'Graham? He's out,' replied Nurse McMillan.

'Out where?'

'Not sure,' said the other Nurse McMillan. 'I think he's in Transporter Room 7 with Emma the Techie.' She gave her sister a knowing glance on the word 'with'.

Euan sighed. 'Why do I bother being Captain of this ship? It's not as if anyone pays any attention to me.'

Ensign McCulloch looked up. 'Eh?'

'Nothing.'

Captain Bowen, feeling decidedly unnecessary, strolled into Transporter Room 7. It was devoid of any personnel, and there were three empty gin bottles under the console.

Euan looked around. 'Emma? Graham? Anyone at home?'

No answer.

'Shit on shit! Why is no one ever where they're meant to be?'

He stomped back into the turbolift. 'Barry, try Engineering.'

'What for? Why would Graham be there?' the voice from the speaker asked.

'Um...' Euan paused. Why engineering? Was it something to do with that funny memory he had of a twentieth century college and the Chief Engineer...?

'Um. Just try it. He might have gone there to get something fixed. Um.'

'Hah!' the lift scoffed. 'You've got a thing for that loud-mouthed Engineering officer!'

'What? I do not! And Robyn isn't the slightest bit loud-mouthed!'

'No, not Bobbi. Chaedy!'

Euan turned the colour of a ripe tomato. 'Barry, you take me to engineering right now and no more of your lip!'

The lift remained still.

'Please?'

As Euan got off the turbolift, he wondered about that strange memory. Somehow, he couldn't shake off the feeling that he and Robyn had been more than just friends in the past, but he couldn't quite remember how.

Bobbi herself was just around the warp core, trying to learn how to juggle. As the Captain approached, she dropped the oranges and smiled at him. 'Hello, Euie. How are you?'

Euan grinned back. 'I. Um. Yes. Um.'

'That's nice. What can we do for you here, darling?'

He paused. 'I just wanted to know if you...'

'Yes?'

'If you...have any glue.'

Bobbi looked surprised. 'Glue?'

'Um, yes. I mean, no, not glue. I'm trying to find Graham. Do you know where he is?'

Bobbi's face fell. 'No. Sorry.'

'Um. Thankyou.' Euan wandered back to the turbolift.

Bobbi sighed. She'd thought he was going to say something about that strange feeling she had that they'd been very close a few centuries ago.

Back in the lift, Barry suggested that Euan ask the computer where Graham was.

'What a good idea! The computer will listen to me.' Euan was thrilled with the idea of having something show him respect. 'Computer!' There was a beep.

'Computer, this is Captain Bowen. Please...'

The computer interrupted him by giving a raspberry. 'Hello Euie!' came Graham's voice. 'This is a recorded message. My nob's bigger than yours...' the voice disappeared in a hiss of static. Then the computer voice calmly said, 'Please state order.'

Euan growled. 'Find CMO Henstock!'

'CMO Henstock is busy,' replied the voice.

'Busy where?'

'You don't need to know that.'

Euan ground his teeth. 'Computer, if you don't tell me right away what's going on, I'll let Colleen use your innards as decorations for her wedding, is that clear? Now tell me where the CMO is!'

There was a pause. 'CMO Henstock is in the quarters of Transporter Chief Emma the Techie. And don't say I didn't warn you!'

'Right!'

Euan, after trying the door-chime several times to no avail, decided to break in. A bit of unlawful entry does wonders for a bored Captian. 'Computer!' he said. 'Security override!'

'What?' came the computer's voice.

'Security override!'

'Are you sure?'

He tapped his foot. 'Would I have asked if I wasn't?'

'State clearance code.'

Euan patted his pockets for the piece of paper his code was written on.

'Bowen, Captain Euan Vickers, clearance code Walrus 3204 Baker Williams.'

The computer whirred. 'Access granted.' The door slid open.

Euan was greeted with a shocking sight.

Graham and Emma were only partly visible as a naked tangle of arms and legs in the middle of a doona.

As he watched, a gurgle of 'Ooorrrggeerraaaamm,' escaped the knot.

You know what I mean.

All right, I'll spell it out. Copulation. Shagging. Bonking. However you want to put it.[6] In the middle of the floor.

Euan gave a squeak. 'Ah, sorry. Wrong room.' He exited quickly and shut the door. 'Computer!' he bellowed.

'I did warn you,' said the machine.

There was little sound on the Flagship. Nic, Fi and Leila stepped off the transporter pads, mouths open in awe.

The ship was huge, designed to carry hundreds of people, as it must have done, once. Now it was echoing and empty, the only sound the distant hum of the engines and the footsteps of the three girls.

'It's enormous!' Fi broke the silence.

'Pretty huge, yes,' Leila agreed.

Nic looked thoughtful. 'I bet there's great acoustics in here...'

The trio spontaneously broke into three-part harmony, as they roamed through the ship's massive, empty corridors.[7]

Eventually they reached the bridge. This was only by pot luck, as the Filth had an extremely unusual design. Mr Green and General Jellybean were waiting for them.

'Ah, Nic,' the General said. 'Thank you for joining us. I'm sorry there was no one to meet you, but we are a little understaffed these days.'

She snorted. 'Can't you see anything? Don't you understand? You're still fighting a war that was lost two hundred years ago! No one but us remembers those times, and no one else cares! Give it up!'

Mr Green looked cold. 'My war is still going on, Nic. You ruined any chance I had of being a power in the universe. If it wasn't for you, I'd be second in command of everything by now! My life was good! I had a job, a career, I had a future! But then you and your stupid friends came along and spoilt it all. No, my dear, you're wrong. I still remember those times, and I definitely care!'

Nic nudged Leila. 'OK, you got us out of all those other messes. What the heck do we do now?'

Leila shrugged. 'We wait.'

'Wait?'

'What else can we do? Unless we get the Hair-Hat back to Starfleet Command, big nasties will happen to everyone, and if these two misfits want to show the Compromise where it is, we have to play along with them. Then we try to escape, and not before.'

Fi was watching the General. 'So, General, what's your motivation for doing all this?'

He gave a chuckle. 'I just came along for the ride. It's so much fun, being on a crusade for a force you really believe in! And tricking your Captain like that was so funny, I thought I'd die laughing!' He broke into helpless giggles.

'What do you mean, you tricked our Captain? We know he's as gullible as hell, but we didn't think it was common knowledge,' she said.

Mr Green grinned. 'You see, that nebula that we're heading towards is extremely unstable. There are always sudden and violent plasma storms in it, and it's very rare for any ship to get out once it goes in.'

'But what about the Hair-Hat?'

Mr Green gave a chuckle. 'We don't know where it is, but then neither does your idiot Captain! It was so easy to persuade him that it was in a potentially fatal nebula!'

Leila was horrified. 'You're sending the entire crew to their deaths?'

The General gave a squeak of laughter. 'But of course! You three are the only ones that will survive - at least for a while.' The General started giggling again.

'Meanwhile,' Mr Green interrupted, 'You three have the run of the ship. It's not like you can go anywhere. Oh, but first, let's have all your comm badges. We can't have you getting a message to your ship, now, can we?'

The General removed all their badges.

'Now, run along. We'll call you when it's time to watch your friends die.'

The three made their way to a large, reasonably comfortable room. Fi was in a particularly foul mood.

'I can't think what I ever saw in that guy!' she was declaring.

'Well, Fi, you have to admit that he was a lot nicer when you were going out with him,' said Nic.

'But you'd think I would have known! I tried to soften up his fascist side, but he just wouldn't listen! You know who his favourite historical figure is? Napoleon. I should have seen it! God, he's such a JERK!'

Leila, getting a bit sick of the tirade, gave her a light punch on the arm. 'Oh, Fi, don't go blaming yourself. He was a much nicer guy before the Wars. I think they scrambled his brain, to be honest. Anyway, Nic, do you still have that watch I gave you for your 150th birthday?'

Nic nodded.

'Good. Press that button on the side. You know, the one that I told you never to press unless it was a full-on, super-duper, 100%, no-worries, I'll get back to you shortly emergency.'

Nic pressed it.

Nothing happened.

'What's the deal?' she asked.

Leila sat down on the floor. 'We just have to wait,' she said. 'I only hope it's in time, that's all.'

Euan wandered back on to the bridge, feeling particularly peculiar. He hadn't known that Graham and Emma did that kind of thing. Well, OK, he hadn't had positive proof that Graham and Emma did that kind of thing. Well, not together, at least. But, he reflected, it made some kind of bizzarre sense, in a way, and now at least he now had some idea of where their esteemed CMO got to when he couldn't be found.

Colleen and Terri were flicking through a material guide, trying to decide what colour Colleen's wedding bunting should be. So far they'd narrowed it down to pale green, mauve, and yellow. Yellow was currently losing.

Colleen sighed. 'I wish Leila was still here. She could pick the colour just like that!'

Terri snorted. 'You mean she's bossy.'

'No, she isn't bossy. But she can make her mind up reasonably quickly.'

'Bullshit! Remember how long she took to figure out where she wanted to have the party for her two hundredth birthday?'

Colleen laughed. 'But we got it right in the end, didn't we?'

'The whole[8] of Traken? Yeah, was that a night to remember! How many guys did you pick up at that party?'

Colleen looked blank. 'None.'

'What?' Terri was puzzled. 'Oh, sorry. Must have been me.'

'I'm pretty sure I'd have remembered if I picked you up! Um.' Colleen had a feeling she'd got something wrong, but couldn't put her finger on what it was.

'Are you sure you're remembering right? Don't forget how much we all drank!'

'Maybe that's the trouble.'

Euan leaned over his Ops officer's shoulder. 'What's this for? Bridesmaids' dresses?'

'Bunting.'

'What's that?'

Colleen sighed again.

'It's like living with a six-year old,' commented Terri.

'How long until we reach the nebula?' he asked, ignoring Terri's remark.

She waved a scrap of the green at him. 'About an hour. Then we have to go into it, which could be dangerous. These nebulae can have the most incredible plasma storms in them.'

'Just remember, the Hair Hat is in there, and we have to find it, so we go in no matter what.'

Terri shrugged. 'Well I know it's not my decision. I just thought it might be smart to stop and think about what the hell could be in there before we go barging on in.'

Euan dismissed her with a wave of his hand. 'Don't worry, Tel. Things'll be fine.'

'You sound like Gordon Brittas,' she retorted.

Euan pulled a face at her.

'Captain!' called Ratbat.

'What?'

'I think I'd better show you this.' The chiropteran was leaning over Ruth's shoulder.

Euan, tripping over Parker, made his way to Ruth's console. 'What's up?'

'I decided to run a check on this Mr Green bloke,' she said. 'You never know what's going to happen with Mathematical Bad Guys from the past. And you'll never believe it.'

'Believe what?'

'Here - Green, Brian Andrew. Admitted to Titan mental health unit 2254, broke out of same unit, 2265. Missing, presumed dead, 2266. That's more than a hundred years ago.'

Euan sighed. 'Um. Well, Ruth, the whole crew is at least four hundred years old. What's the problem?'

'The problem, Mr Brain-dead, is that Mr Green was admitted to this mental health unit because he was suffering from criminal insanity, and homicidal tendencies. He wasn't cured by the time he broke out.'

'Did you just call me brain-dead? No one calls me brain-dead!' Euan paused. 'At least, not without checking first!'

Ruth glared. 'Did you hear anything of what I just said?' she snapped.

'Of course I did. Mr Green is missing presumed brain-dead.'

Ratbat buried her hand in her hands. 'I wish we'd left him on Earth.'

'Look, Euan,' Ruth said patiently. 'I just thought it might be useful for you to know that we may be dealing with a disturbed mind.'

'Worse than Graham?'

'Much worse.'

Euan's face twisted in horror. 'We have to get out of here!'

Ratbat grabbed his arm as he made to sprint off the bridge. 'Captain, we have three of our officers on that ship, and we need to get them back safe and sound! It is your job to remain calm and stay here on the bridge where you're needed, and that means you can't go galloping off to hide under Emma's bed!'

Euan, remembering the scene in Emma's room, went red. 'I wasn't going to hide under Emma's bed!'

'Ksenia's bed, then. It doesn't make any difference.'

'But...' Euan started to look even more uncomfortable than usual. 'I have to go...'

'Oh, let him go, Ratti,' Ruth interrupted. 'Can't you see he's ready to wet himself?'

'Yeah,' said Ratbat, as Euan freed himself and rushed off to the lavatory. 'But isn't it fun?'

The nebula hung in space like a...like a...well, like a nebula, really. Nebulae don't exactly look like much else, except occasionally like the pavement outside nightclubs at five o'clock on a Sunday morning. Ahem. Oops.[9]

I meant to say, the nebula hung in space, and the two starships gently drifted toward it.

Well, they didn't drift, actually; they were doing about warp five, which is measured in terms of light speed rather than knots. 'Drift' in this case is really the wrong word, but if I put 'the two starships sped toward the nebula faster than the eye could see', it would sound really dumb.[10]

General Jellybean stared out the viewing port. 'The Troughton nebula!' he whispered. 'Home of the Gods; the King of the Singing Potatoes. The Archpriest of the Sapient Umbrellas. Even if they survive the plasma storms, the Compromise will stand absolutely no chance against the Sapient Umbrellas!!!' He began to giggle again.

Mr Green interrupted his amusement. 'General, I think you should be taking your pills!'

The General gave a snarl. 'I don't need pills! I'm as sane as the next man!'[11]

'Don't be foolish. You know what the Potato King will think if he hears you've been acting like a raving lunatic! Sapient umbrellas indeed! They're shoe-trees! You know, Shoe Trees? Sapient Umbrella's don't exist!'

General Jellybean looked surprised. 'Don't they?'

The Filth sailed onward.

In another part of the ship, Leila was explaining to Fi, who was too tired to object, why existence and non-existence were, in essence, one and the same thing when seen from a relativist point of view. Nic had nodded off, and was snoring gently.

'...so you see, if something is perceived to not exist, it must exist, because to be perceived it must, on some plane or another, exist, and therefore...'

Fi finally succumbed to boredom, and fell asleep as well.

'Well really! Just thought I might enlighten you on a major philosophical concept, don't mind me!'

The door opened. 'Hello!' beamed General Jellybean. 'Just thought I'd come and keep you company!'

The trio, rudeley awakened, were rather unimpressed.

'Do you know, I don't think I've ever lured a ship into a nebula before. This will be fun!' he gurgled. 'And it's a very special nebula, too. Do you know, the Singing Potato people live there! On a cosmic jelly-baby! And the Shoe-tree people, too! And the Sapient umbrellas.' A thought seemed to strike him. 'But the Umbrellas don't exist, of course.'

'Singing potatoes?' said Fi.

'Ooh, yes indeed! They're these wonderful people! In fact, if we don't kill you three by very painful methods right away, we might take you there, to be savaged by the penguins!'

The three girls exchanged bemused glances.

'Ah. I see,' said Nic.

'But of course, not everyone gets savaged by the penguins. That's a special treat for people who've been naughty.' He thought some more. 'So maybe we won't take you there after all.' He started giggling again. 'We'll just have to make you die here and now! No, not now. Later! Here and later!'

Nic sighed.

The engineering crew sat around a table, taking turns to throw a pea at a paper cup.

Bobbi sighed. 'It's so boring down here when the ship's working properly.'

Karen threw the pea. 'I wish we could have a little disaster. Nothing too major, you know, but something to liven things up.'

Andrea took a fresh packet of peas out of her pocket. 'We could throw someone down the warp core,' she suggested 'That hasn't happened since Anja killed herself.'

'Oh, no,' interrupted Chaedy. 'We all remember who had to clean it up last time, don't we?'

The rest of the crew nodded.

'And you think it's a good idea?

They nodded again.

'Bastards.'

Bobbi, trying not to laugh at Chaedy's misfortune, took out a stick of asparagus.[12] 'I know,' she said. 'Let's play Asparagus Darts!'

The whole crew stared at her.

'You know. You put a stick of asparagus on the table, and we all take it in turns to throw asparagus at it. The person who knocks it over wins a fabulous prize.'

'What prize?' asked Karen.

'A box of asparagus?'

Andrea snorted. 'I think my idea's much better.'

'Who do you suggest we throw down there, then?' asked Bobbi sarcastically.

'The Captain, of course.'

'Duh! Who'll be in charge if we kill the Captain?' Karen butted in.

The Lieutenants Flanagan and Malarz exchanged glances. 'He's not really very in charge at the moment,' Sam remarked.

The door opened, and Euan wandered in. I seem to have this incredible effect on people, he thought as the whole engineering crew burst into muffled giggles. He adjusted his uniform. 'Ahem. Crew, we're about to enter this nebula thingy. Now, I'm sure that you want a trouble-free passage as much as I do, but be on your toes just in case.'

'Why did you have to come all the way down here just to tell us that, Euan?' asked Karen.

'Um,' Euan looked a trifle embarrassed. 'You see, I was playing with my Lego set up on the Bridge, and... Well, I got a bit stuck in the comm system. If I try to use it, all it does is play Patsy Kline singing Baby I Want Your Love Thing Do Doo-Be Doo.'

The Engineering crew giggled.

Euan, feeling more than a little stupid, wandered back into the turbolift.

'Fi, I think he's bonkers,' whispered Leila, as General Jellybean demonstrated the usefulness of the common-or-garden paperclip.

'...and, if you bend it like so, you have one ready-made transistor radio! Now, most people at one point or another during their life think, gee, I really wish I had a thermonuclear device on me! So you just take the paperclip, twist the end around like this...'

The three girls sat staring at him. 'You know,' Fi whispered back to Leila. 'I think you're right.'

'It's a shame, really,' mused Nic. 'He was a great leader, until he turned to evil.'

'He didn't actually turn to evil,' Leila interjected thoughtfully. 'Evil sort of more turned to him. I don't think it was really his fault.'

'Oh, no, of course not,' said Nic sarcastically.

Fi rolled over on to her back. 'Either way,' she whispered, 'his mind is definitely gone.'

Leila gave an ironic grin, as the General demonstrated how a paperclip could be used to predict earthquakes and estimate the cost of the damage afterwards.

An unseen speaker gave a 'boop' sound. 'General,' came Mr Green's voice.

'Yeah?' The General stood up.

'We are about to lure the other ship into the nebula, and I need you up here, right now.'

'What about these three?'

'Bring them as well.'

As they wandered through the maze of echoing, empty corridors, Nic muttered to Leila, 'I hope this plan you came up with works soon, or the others are going to be deader than JFK. And it won't be long till we follow them!'

'Don't worry, we've still got a few minutes before we start panicking.'

'Oh great, you mean it probably won't work?'

Leila looked uncomfortable. 'Well, that mechanism is nearly a hundred and fifty years old. If it's worn out, I hardly think it's my fault!' She stuck out her chin.

Fi sighed. 'We're going to die...'

The nebula hung in space like a nebula. The two ships, at speeds which man was not meant to know of, approached it.

Bugger being correct, let's go back to being poetic.

The nebula hung in the air, like a huge spider-web of glowing light. The Compromise and the Filth approached it, cautiously.

On the Compromise, Terri was busily employed is sorting through a list of bands and choirs to have at Colleen's wedding.

'The Hungry Bums? Who the hell are the Hungry Bums?'

Colleen glanced over. 'Oh, them. They're quite good. They do jazz and blues and stuff.'[13]

'I don't think much of the name. What would your parents think?'

'That the band have dubious taste in names?'

Terri sighed. 'I don't know... how about the Bajoran Tabernacle Choir?'

'Too religious. Every second song would be about the Prophets.'

'I didn't think the Bajorans cared that much about money.' Terri watched her joke go right through Colleen's mind without triggering her brain.

'Loser on the bridge!' called Ratbat, as Euan walked through the door.

The aforementioned loser gave his First Officer a dirty look. 'Ms Sigma, kindly show some respect!'

'Ah, get stuffed. I stopped showing respect for you in the twentieth century. Seeing ye hanging by yer knees from the football goal-posts wearing Bobbi's dress was the last straw,' she said, in an affectionate tone of voice.

Euan went red. 'You promised never to mention that!'

'No I didn't.'

'You didn't? Oops. I always meant to ask you to.'

'Anyway, we've reached this nebula thing. What do we do now?'

Euan shrugged. 'We go in.'

Terri discarded her list. 'Euan, I really don't think that's a good idea.'

'Bog off, Lieutenant O'Ferez.'

'Lefftenant!' chorused Terri, Colleen, and Ratbat.

Euan looked contrite. 'We have to go in. The Wig is in there, and that's our mission,' he said plaintively.

'All right, we're in position. Let's ask that Green bloke[14] whereabouts the bloody thing is.' Terri pressed a few buttons, and went back to choosing a band.

'Ruth, open hailing frequencies,' Euan commanded in his best Official voice.

The effect was rather spoilt by Ruth's having buggered off to play cards in sickbay with the McMillans. 'Can I please get an order obeyed here?' he asked in exasperation.

Ratbat opened the hailing frequency. 'Calling Mr Green's ship,' she said.

His image appeared on the viewer. 'What do you want? We've brought you to the nebula, now we are allowed to go and deal with our prisoners as we see fit.'

'Not so fast,' interrupted Euan. 'Whereabouts in the nebula is the wig? We can't just go blundering in looking for it everywhere. We'd get lost!'

Mr Green sighed. 'You go straight ahead at warp six for about twenty minutes until you come to the great palace of the Singing Potatoes. They've built it around a cosmic jelly-baby. They will be able to direct you to the Wig.'

'Oh. Thank you!' said Euan.

Mr Green's face vanished.

'Right now. Lieutenant O'Ferez! Warp six, course zero mark zero. Let's get moving.'

Ratbat sighed. 'Euan, who was the idiot who made you in charge?'

'All of you.'

'Bum. We were idiots then. Singing potatoes? Cosmic jelly-babies? It's a bit bloody strange!' she snapped.

'Why strange? Don't forget Gurgleblox 7, home of the giant sapient socks! In an infinite cosmos, all things are possible. We're going in!'

Terri punched in the course, albeit unwillingly.

'Now,' said Euan, 'Engage!'

The Compromise carefully moved into the nebula.

Space. A frontier of sorts. These are the voyages and related doings of the starship Compromise. Its mission - to do whatever the hell we like, and that's it. Boldly.

The Filth was preparing to leave, having watched the Compromise foolishly enter the Troughton nebula. The General and Mr Green were currently giggling, and dribbling slightly, as they swapped ideas about what to do with their three prisoners. The aforementioned prisoners were not impressed with this state of affairs.

'Fi,' whispered Nic, 'What is so bad about making us watch something called Timelash?'

Fi shrugged.

'It's quite horrible,' Leila commented. 'A 22nd season Doctor Who story with Colin Baker starring as the Doctor, and some pooncy berk as HG Wells. It's crap.'

The other two looked sceptical.

'It's really crap! Really truly unimaginable crap!'

Fi was about to give her esteemed opinion that all Doctor Who stories were crap, no matter who was the Doctor or which pooncy berks they had playing miscellaneous celebrities, when the ship gave an unexpected lurch.

Mr Green fell over. 'General!' he yelled, from the floor.

'Yessah!' The General snapped to attention, but was knocked over by a second lurch.

'What the hell is going on? Have you been letting blondes drive again?'

'No, sir!'

'So what's happening?'

Leila climbed over their prone captors, and looked out of the window. 'Hah! Told you it'd work! We're saved!'

Nic struggled to her feet. 'Saved by who? By what?'

'The device in your watch! Sam Solo's here to save us!'

Fi jumped up, and joined them at the window.

Outside the ship was a familiar spacecraft, a bit out-dated perhaps, and certainly the worse for wear, but it was still definitely the old Perpendicular Bisector, the ship that the second greatest hero of the Maths Wars had flown.

It was currently charging towards the Filth with laser cannons blazing.

Mr Green squawked and jumped into the General's arms. 'Oh my God, we're gonna die!'

Sam's face appeared on the viewer. 'Mr Green,' she called. 'Have you been bothering Nic and Leila and Fiona again?'

'No, not at all, I haven't touched them!' he gibbered. 'Haven't seen them for years!'

Fi pushed him out of her way. 'Hi Sam. How's Chewy?'

Sam's number two, Chewythatsbeenstuckunderthedeskforamonth, moved into view, and gave a grunt of greeting.

'Right, you lot, you have exactly two minutes to beam my friends over here, or I'll report you to the Singing Potatoes for kidnapping. That is, if I don't blast you out of the sky first.' Sam's face disappeared from the viewer.

The three prisoners exchanged glances. 'Well, there goes Sam's mind,' commented Fi dryly.

Mr Green untangled himself from the General, who had collapsed under his weight. 'Quick! Arm the lasers!'

The General sat up. 'We haven't got any lasers,' he said.

'What?!'

'This ship wasn't designed with laser canons, and it doesn't have phasers or photon torpedoes either. It's very old, you know.'

Mr Green threw up his hands. 'So what do we do? We can't fight! I suppose you think we should surrender?'

The General shrugged. 'Well, unless you really want to get blown up, I think it's the only course. These three won't get far if their ship's destroyed.'

'True....'

'And we'll live to fight another day,' the General finished.

'All right.' Mr Green made a decision. 'What did you do with their comm badges?'

The General, pleased that he'd been able to persuade Mr Green, grinned. 'They're in the airing cupboard!'

'Well, don't just stand there! Get them out of here!'

The General went to the cupboard, grabbed the badges, and distributed them.

'Right!' Mr Green ordered, 'Prepare to transport! To the Perpendicular Bisector, NOW!'

Sam Solo hadn't changed much in the two hundred and fifty years since they'd last seen each other. She was still small and brunette, and still had a very flat chest, much to Fi and Nic's satisfaction.[15] Chewy had aged a bit, now being grey rather than blue, but he still had the same sense of humour.

'...grook muooa rooam hink yok,' he finished, as the Filth proceeded with all speed out of sight. Sam, Nic, Fi, and Leila all laughed uproariously at the joke.

'Ah, Chewy, it's good to hear your gags again!' Leila wiped her eyes. 'Oh, smeg!'

'What?' asked Sam.

'Chewy just reminded me, with the bit about the Starfleet Admiral going into the bar. The Compromise is in that nebula, and they're in grave danger!'

'Shit, we'd better get them out of there! Prepare to give chase!' Sam ordered.

Chewy, giving Sam a withering look, pressed a single button, and waited.

'Oh. Um, OK, give chase!'

The Perpendicular Bisector followed the path the Compromise had taken into the nebula.

Euan was feeling a little uncomfortable. The feeling of apprehension on the bridge was unmistakable. It was so bad that Terri had given up her book of bridesmaid-dress patterns, and Ruth had even obeyed his orders without insulting him.

'Um, Ratbat, is anything nasty happening on the Starboard side?' he asked tentatively.

Ratbat looked. 'Well, if by nasty you mean a rather vicious plasma storm, then YES!'

The ship gave a shudder.

'Calling the Compromise, are you reading us?' Somewhere a radio cracked into life.

'On screen, whatever that is!' ordered Euan.

The viewer picture was very faint and staticky, but the figure was just discernible as Counsellor Fetter.

'Guys, get out of there now! The Hair-hat isn't in there and there's a huge plasma storm about to come up your ARSE!!' she yelled.

Euan, too scared to speak, gave a gurgle.

'OK, Tel, new course 180 mark zero! Take us out of here!' Ratbat interrupted.

The Compromise turned.

'Shields up!' called Ratbat to Ruth.

'Gotcha!' she replied.

'Hang on,' said Euan, pulling himself together. 'That's my job!'

'You're relieved of duty on the grounds that you're a chicken,' came Graham's voice over the intercom.

The ship rocked alarmingly.

'Bobbi! We're going to need some extra power to get us out of here!' Ratbat called.

'Piss off, I'm working as hard as I can!' she replied.

A swirl of plasma caught the ship and buffeted it.

'We're not going to hold much longer!' Ratbat called. 'Increase shields to maximum!'

'They're already on bloody maximum, you stupid git!' replied Ruth 'Look out!'

Ahead was the Perpendicular Bisector, on the very edge of the nebula. And between the edge of the nebula and the Compromise was the centre of the storm.

'They're going to get caught in it!' said Ratbat.

As the crew of the Compromise watched, an escape pod was launched from the side of the Perpendicular Bisector. The ship, still rocked by the surges coming out of the storm, began to drift away from it. The escape pod, however, was sucked into the seething mass of plasma.

Euan sat back in horror, as the pod was mangled and broken up by the fury of the storm, which then, its energy now spent, gradually subsided, leaving a safe passage for the Compromise out of the nebula.

There was a shocked silence.

Ruth sighed. 'And so ends an era,' she said.

Ratbat said nothing, but looked away.

'Yes,' mused Euan. 'It won't be the same without those three.'

The Compromise passed the Perpendicular Bisector.

'Yo, Euie! How's that then!' came a familiar voice.

'What the..? On screen!' Euan commanded.

Ruth was so surprised that she did so without comment.

Leila, Nic, Fi, Sam Solo, and Chewy stood on the Perpendicular Bisector's bridge. 'We did it! Are you lot OK?' Leila was laughing.

Euan stared, his mouth hanging open. 'But... what the..? How did you do that? We saw the escape pod being destroyed!'

'Oh, Euan, you don't think we'd be stupid enough to be in it, do you?' Nic laughed. 'Really! Have a little faith!'

The two ships sailed onward, to meet their destinies.

Well, they sailed onward, but not actually to meet their destinies. They sailed onward, in fact, to fart-arse around, which is just typical, but if their destinies want to happen to them on the way, who am I to complain?

10-Foreplay was crowded that night. As a special treat to celebrate the survival of both ships, Euan had arranged a party. At least, everyone let him think he'd arranged it. Leila, Terri and Colleen had actually done the work.

Sam Solo wandered up to where Terri and Leila were taking it in turns to scull Devastators.[16]

'Leila,' she said. 'That awful Ensign Murphy person just tried to pick me up with the most pathetic line you've ever heard! What should I do?'

Leila, waving her glass, gave a derisive chuckle. 'Don't worry about him. He tries it on everyone. I doubt he'll even remember in the morning. Me and Ratbat ran into him one Sunday morning, when he was still stoned from the night before, and we had terrible trouble convincing him he was wearing trousers.'

Sam laughed.

Nic and Fi, each with a pint mug of Kahlua and milk, wandered up to the little group. 'Sam, I've been meaning to ask you something,' Fi said.

'Well, ask me now before I get so pissed I can't answer,' she replied.

'How did you know the General and Mr Green believed in Singing Potato People?'

Sam looked surprised. 'Believed in them? Fi, they exist!'

'What?'

'They live in that nebula. They believe that the asteroid they built their civilisation around is a jelly-baby that was a gift from the gods, and have a wonderful culture. They've got bad habits concerning penguins, but apart from that, they're real nice people.'

Nic looked perplexed. 'You think you know a universe, and then something like this comes along... oh well, at least we all got out unharmed.'

'Are you going to stay here with us, Sam?' asked Fi.

Sam looked thoughtful. 'No, I don't think so. My life is still a bit too wild for me to settle down and join Starfleet. Ask me again in a century or so.'

'Let's go and dance,' suggested Terri.

They did so.

The Compromise sailed through the eternal night of space. On board, people were laughing, people were dancing, people were drinking, and people were arguing. But one thing was certain - people were happy. It may not have been a pure, shining happiness. It was a kind of humdrum, everyday, boring happiness. But even that is happiness, of a sort, and what other kind can we hope for?

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