Parker Bowen jumped around and ducked as shots rang out around him. He wasn't a smart dog, but he didn't like this game that the humans called 'moving target'.

'Stay still, you bastard!' the human in the room growled. He blew the smoke from his gun, and pointed it again. Parker winced after the sharp 'pops' that the weapon made, but he knew that he couldn't sit still and cower, or whatever it was that made the holes in the wall would make a hole in him.

'Fuck!' snapped the human.

Parker took his chance at ran for the door. He knew that if he made it out, then the game usually ended. Unfortunately, his ingrained unintelligence got the better of him, and he found that he wasn't heading for the exit, but for the far corner. He tried stop himself, but only succeeded in hurting all of his feet on the floor as he skidded into the wall.

'Now...' drooled the human, 'now I've got you. And about time, too...' He raised his weapon and levelled it at Parker.

Suddenly, a gong sounded. 'Bridge to Captain,' said a voice.

'Bollocks! What do you want, Crabb?'

'We've intercepted an Eton vessel. Heath-class, called the Home Soil. It's their peace envoy.'

'Good...tell them I'm on my way.' He holstered his firearm. 'And while you're doing that, ready photon torpedoes to blow them out of the sky. Bowen out.' He looked at the dog shaking in the corner. 'Looks like you'll last another day, canis dogtesticlus,' he told it, then strode out of the room.

'...it's different,' Ruth told her.

Bobbi looked around her. The Compromise was scarcely Starfleet's cleanest vessel, but it never quite looked like this. The carpet was almost threadbare, and covered with stains and burn-marks. The lighting was a tad dimmer, and one or two of the overhead bars were flickering.

'What the fuck happened?' asked Bobbi. 'Did we miss another one of Graham's theme nights?'

'I don't think so. Come on, let's take look around.' Handing Bobbi back her phaser, she led the way down the corridor. As they went, they saw that whatever had happened, it had been rather wide-spread. A lot of the neat labelling they were used to had been replaced by scrawled post-it notes, or not at all.

'Bloody hell,' said Ruth. 'I was only up here yesterday.'

'The place looks like it's been neglected for years,' added Bobbi. She touched a panel on the wall. 'Computer,' she said, 'what's our current location?'

The computer spoke in a voice that sounded much more suitable for a bad rendition of the national anthem at a baseball match than for dispensing information. 'Deck 17,' it said curtly, 'corridor 01.'

'Well, that's right,' commented Ruth. 'So what--' They both heard the sound of an old-fashioned ballistic gun cocking behind them, and whirled to face it, phasers out. Ruth even remembered to take hers off the training setting. It was all for nought, however, as the weapon then fired into the ceiling above them, knocking them both to the floor, and sending their phasers spinning.

Two people stepped into view. They were very familiar, and they weren't.

It was Leila and Ratbat - but, not Leila and Ratbat as the two goldies remembered them. Ratbat stood above them on five-centimetre heels, and had forsaken the Starfleet uniform as they knew it. Instead, though she still wore a communicator, she was clad all over in sleek black gear as might be duplicated on a terrorist or commando. She looked at Ruth and Bobbi through shielded Lennon sunglasses, and over a large bazookoid-like affair. When she spoke, they saw that her fangs had grown at least another full centimetre since they'd last checked. She turned to her Leila. 'Your starter for ten: recognise these?' she asked.

Leila's attire was unchanged, although she wore a lot more jewellery around it than she usually did and her sleeves were cut off at the elbows. Otherwise, however she was quite different. Her hair was somewhat shorter than usual, and not so brushed. Through the torn sleeves, they could see muscles that they knew Leila had never been blessed with, and her face carried the signs of a near-permanent scowl. 'Impostors,' she replied to the terrorist-commando figure.

'Definitely not the real thing - we just left Security and our beloved tinkerer up on the bridge, yes?'

'I think someone needs to be questioned,' said Leila, leaning over the other two women, who really were too confused to move. She turned back to Ratbat. 'Has that thing got a stun setting?'

'It's a motherfuckin' bazookoid. Course it don't.'

Leila took it from her, and whirled it around, then struck their captives across the heads with it. As Ruth slipped into unconsciousness, she heard Leila tell Ratbat, 'See? That's a stun setting.'

Euan slammed his hand into the wall. 'Ow!' he cried.

'What are you doing?' asked Graham.

'That's where the opening's supposed to be!' He poked at the wall, which remained as solid as, well, a wall.

'Smeg...' said Ratbat. 'It must have shut behind us! Not good.'

'Bobbi might be able to help us there,' offered Graham. 'She is the Chief Engineer. And she looks good in velvet,' he added.

'What? burst out Euan.

'Everybody looks good in velvet,' he explained. 'Mind you, Monika from Conn looks good even out of velvet.'

'Don't you ever stop?'

'No. Never! In fact, Euan, I'm going right now! And there's nothing you can do to stop me!'

'Now you're just being stupid, Graham...'

'"Stupid" is a very flexible term, Euie. A lot of terms are flexible. So are a lot of people I know, but that's another story.'

'What?'

'Don't ask.'

'Why not?'

'Because I'm going to tell you anyway. Now, do you know about colons?'

'Oi!!' hissed Ratbat. 'Keep it down. We don't know what the natives are like, yes? Now come on and let's find Bobbi and Ruth.' She started off down the corridor, carefully avoiding the bits of debris everywhere.

'Ooohhh,' trilled Graham. 'Do you think it might be that time of the month?'

'Huh?'

Graham held up a small cylindrical white object. 'In which case, do you think she might want this back?'

Euan ignored him.[3] 'It could be that she fancies Ruth.'

'What? Euan, do you think that Ratbat's just got some kind of thing for people with long red hair and glasses...?' They both looked at each other.

'Oh dear.'

As they went to join Ratbat in her search, none were aware of the figure that was watching them from some distance down the corridor.

'Interesting...'

She let one end of her whip coil slide down a fishnet-clad leg to the floor, then pointed a tricorder after them, not knowing that some so very like her yet so very different had done the same kind of thing both so close to her, and so far away. She snapped the tricorder shut and put it where the sun doesn't shine.[4]

'Very interesting...'

Chief Robyn Scholes awoke from a dream about being a seductive twelve-year-old scout to find that she was not in the same position she had passed out in. For a start, she remembered enough to know that she had been on the floor when she'd lost consciousness. As well as that, she hadn't been chained to a wall by her wrists.

There were a sea of faces before, all both as familiar and alien as Ratbat's and Leila's had been earlier. She knew something was wrong as soon as she saw Ruth both secured next to her, and in front of her face. She could see that the one beside her was the one she'd been with earlier. The one before her looked more like a trainee skinhead - no, more like a trainer skinhead. The 'Lump Hammer' Leila and the (more) psychotic Ratbat she recognised. Euan was a sight to behold: his clothing was third-military camouflage, third-pirate gear, third-Starfleet; his ponytail now sprang out from hair that was otherwise crewcut, and he had a fusion cannon cybernetically attached to his right forearm. Assuming that the pale-faced creature towards the back of the room was Colleen (she was hard to recognise without her glasses), she was now a total Goth, clad in a black-and-violet crushed-velvet-and-silk mirror of the Starfleet uniform. Her own twin didn't wear different clothing - in fact, she was different in that she didn't wear clothing. Her flesh looked as though it had seen better days, however - but if her current attire was what she worked in, that was easily explained. Actually, viewed like this, Bobbi could also tell that her doppelgänger was slightly better endowed than her in a particular area.[5] At first glance, Graham appeared no different, but on closer examination she could see that while Graham as she remembered him usually looked somewhat... festy, he usually managed to look so in a neat way, strange as that might sound. This guy was just disgusting. With 'Ksenia' nowhere to be seen, the last figure she saw was the new-look Terri O'Ferez, who bore the sweaty blue singlet (albeit with comm badge), stubbies, beer gut, cigarette and actual beer of the classic Australian yobbo. Bobbi knew what had happened. She wasn't stupid. You don't get to be Chief Engineer of a starship when you're stupid.

'I know what you're thinking,' Ruthie the Skinhead said to them.

'That's not much of a surprise,' the Ruth Bobbi knew returned.

'You're wondering if you've ended up in a parallel universe,' she continued.

'And you'd be right,' added the Dread Pirate Bowen.

at first we were just going to kill you and be done with it... said the Gothic Colleen, her voice somehow seeming to finish running its course before she'd stopped using her mouth. but our ruthie had a better idea

'If you're from a parallel universe,' Ruthie took up, 'and you've come here, it occurs to me that you know how to get back to your own universe.'

'A universe ripe for conquest,' added Bowen.

'But we don't know how we got here!' protested Bobbi. 'We just walked into a wall!'

'You know something?' sneered Ruthie. 'I believe ya. I think you've walked into more than a few walls in your time.'

'Hey!' Ruth struggled to get free of her restraints.

While she exchanged insults with her counterpart, the rest of the assembled staff of the Private Imperial Space Ship Compromise turned in discussion.

'It could be true,' Leila said. 'Maybe they don't know how they got here.'

'Me Graham doubt it.'

Tezza O'Ferez paused to take an excessively long drag on her cigarette. 'Betcha they do.'

'Maybe they do, maybe they don't,' added the Imperialist Chief Scholes, turning to the figures secured to the wall. 'But if they're from where we're going next, they'll definitely be able to tell us something.' She leant over, growling right in the face of her 'sister'. 'And believe me,' she told her, 'you will tell us.'

Bobbi grimaced. It's one thing to not be bothered by nudity, or to be blasé about your own, but having your stark naked self leaning right over you is a bit much.

Bowen turned to Ruthie. 'Leave them in the brig,' he told her. 'We'll worry about them later.' He spun on his heel and left the room, most of his staff in his wake. The Commando-Queen Ratbat lingered with Ruthie and Leila.

'He'd better let me interrogate them,' Ruthie said. 'It's my turn.'

Leila balled her massive hands into fists and cracked her knuckles loudly. 'I might help,' she said. 'They look like they could use a little...counselling.'

Ratbat slapped her gloved claw down on a control, activating the release on their captives' manacles, but not before sending through them a shock which knocked both of them out and dropped them to the floor. 'Who cares who makes them talk, Jim - if there's another Compromise out there, I'm next in line for command. Order soon to avoid disappointment.'

'Maybe Ksenia knows more about this parallel universe shit,' offered Leila. 'She did develop the formulae we recognised these guys by.'

'Well, I'm not gonna be the one to ask,' concluded Ruthie. 'That Science Mistress makes me nervous.'

Go to Hell ­ - Metallica

Euan, Ratbat and Graham - that is, the trio who had only recently left their home universe, not the higher-level officers of the PISS Compromise, were exploring more of their new locale. Even though they were reasonably sure that this ship was the counterpart to their own, they nonetheless made themselves scarce whenever a 'fellow' crewmember happened past.

'Do you actually know where we're going?' Graham asked Euan.

'We're looking for Robyn and Ruth,' replied Euan. 'Other than that...I've no idea,' he admitted.

'What about communications?' suggested Graham.

Euan was about to snap at him for being so gross, then realised that he'd actually been making a legitimate point. 'What d'you mean?'

'The communications system can automatically locate any crewmember anywhere within range,' continued Graham. 'We could use that to track down Scholesie and Crabbie.'

'Pas une bonne idée,' Ratbat told him. 'This is ship probably isnae a friendly place. We don't want to go alert the computer by calling out for people.'

Graham poked her chest. 'We use these.'

'You what? Oh, the comm badges.'

'Right,' said Euan. 'They work independently of the ship's own intercom system.' He tapped his own. 'Scholes from Bowen,' he told it.

Up on the bridge, Ruthie the Skinhead heard the small tinny voice coming from one of the communicators she had confiscated and brought up with her.

'Scholes from Bowen,' it said.

'Captain,' she called. Bowen sprang up from his chair and came to her console.

'What?'

'Scholes from Bowen,' it said again.

'New arrivals!' hissed Ratbat as she joined them.

'So they're lying,' concluded Ruth. 'They do know how to come back and forth!'

'Possibly,' said Bowen. 'Or maybe they just got stuck here too. In any case, throw them in with their comrades. The more of them there are, the more they can tell us.'

'Crabb from Bowen?' attempted the same voice, but from the other badge.

Graham looked up from his chair. 'He sound familiar.'

Tezza didn't even bother looking up from her chair, much work as she was doing in it. 'It's the Captain, ya dickhead.'

'So it is,' grinned Bowen. 'So, this world also has its great generals of war. I should very much like to speak with this man.'

'Oh, poo!' cursed Euan, giving up on the communicator. 'They must have lost them.'

'Or had them taken,' added Ratbat.

'Which means that this ship is definitely unfriendly,' continued Graham. He looked at the door in front of them. 'Your quarters,' he told Euan. Before either of his companions could stop him, Euan opened the door and went in.

Inside, the actual shape of the rooms was the same, but the décor was much different. Both Captain Bowens seemed to have an interest in action figures, but judging from the small piles of debris sitting on the side table, the Dread Pirate preferred them for target practice rather than their intended purpose.[6]

'You're a psycho here, you know that?' commented Ratbat.

Euan shrugged. 'All things are possible.'

'You'd be surprised how many women refuse to believe that, actually,' said Graham, opening the door into the bedroom. 'Holy shit!' he said. Instead of the single point of repose with the Masters of the Universe bedspread that was in the centre of the quarters they all knew and loved, Euan's counterpart appeared to own - and fill - a double-bed! He jumped back into the main room. 'Euan!' he said. 'Guess what?'

'What?'

'You've got a consort!'

'Eh? Really?'

'Can ye tell who?'

'Gimme a second.' Graham pulled out his medical tricorder, and picked up the residual DNA patterns on the right side of the bed. 'Hm.'

'Well?' prompted Euan. 'Who is it?'

'It's Chaedy, innit?' asked Ratbat. 'Ow!'

Graham shook his head. 'No, not Chaedy.'

'Who, then?' asked Euan. 'Colleen? Terri? Ksenia? Renée? Who?'

Graham folded the tricorder away. 'Um...how should I put this? Let's just say that there's no need to go searching for my quarters.'

'Forde from Brideoake.'

'Fi...what are our new friends up to?'

'They've gone into the Captain's Quarters, Mistress. I think they still don't really know what's going on.'

'Beautiful, darling. Give them another moment or two to see if they work it out, then go and...greet them.'

'Computer,' said Euan. 'Give me a visual display of all the missions so far of this ship. Brief summaries.' The three of them sat around a terminal on Bowen's desk.

'Working...'

'Why do I get the feeling that we don't really wanna do this?' asked Ratbat.

'Sh,' Euan told her as the screen flashed into life with a stark chronology. The early missions of the PISS Compromise seemed to be quite similar to those of the USS Compromise, with one major difference: This Compromise crew weren't very nice.

Private Imperial Space Ship Compromise, NC-666 commissioned.

Not long after this commission, a small life-form invaded the ship and impregnated Commander Sigma. As soon as she discovered this, Sigma had Dr Graham terminate the pregnancy.

'I can see that,' said Graham. 'I've terminated some pretty odd pregnancies in my time.'

'You seem to confuse "terminate" with "cause",' said Euan.

Graham nodded. That would explain a lot. For a start, why he'd had so much trouble trying to find the film Causer 2 - Judgement Day. A soft growl from Ratbat moved them onto the next entry.

The Compromise, despite many of its crew being in a drunken stupor, was responsible for the annihilation of a fleet of warships from the Girls Grammar Union. However, the leader of the fleet, one Chick Collette, cannot be confirmed dead.

'Typical,' muttered Ratbat.

The vessel then visited the station Deep Shit Nine to check the progress of the PISF personnel there subjugating the planet Bajor.

The most recent mission of the PISS Compromise was deceiving and destroying former allies the Maths Union, as well as final elimination of one Sandra 'Sam' Solo's Student Rebellion.

'Interesting,' observed Euan. 'They never encountered a pisspot omnipotent being called S...'

'Do you find that interesting, Euan?' asked Graham. 'Personally, I find it as boring as batshit. Speaking of which, Ratti, have y--'

'Freeze.'

'Who said freeze?' asked Euan. 'Number One, did you say freeze?'

'I didn't say freeze. Graham, did you say freeze?'

'I don't think I said freeze. Ruth, did you say freeze?'

'Yes,' said the skinhead at the doorway. Euan and Ratbat turned to see what had to be this world's Ruth standing in the doorway, flanked by her Ensigns Vincent and Sword. Both wore outfits as might have been seen on the Gestapo officers of World War II.

'Hi!' said Graham. 'Want to go out with me?'

'Not now,' Ruthie told him. 'Right now, as your dear brother might say, "You Graham in deep shit."'

Bad Girl Fiona Brideoake concealed herself as the security team led the three intruders off to the brig.

'Shit,' she said to herself.

Unaware that their mysterious passage had just been explained to their (possibly former) crewmates, Euan, Graham, Ruth, Bobbi and Ratbat had been laser-strapped into interrogation chairs in the security section of the PISS Compromise. Bowen, Ruthie, Leila and Ratbat were present, as were a couple more security Nazis at the doorway.

Not good, thought the restrained Ratbat, not without justification.

'We'll tell you nothing!' snapped Euan adamantly.

'Oh, I think you will,' Ruthie replied bluntly. 'I don't know about your precious SFA or whatever the hell you call it, but here in the Private Imperial StarFleet, we have some very effective modes of torture.'

'We have a code of silence!' Euan re-iterated. 'And no torture will make us break it!'

Graham spoke. 'Says you, Euan. My name is Dr Graham Charles Henstock, I hold the Starfleet rank of Lieutenant Commander. I live at...'

'Shut your face, Dr Hairstock, that's an order!!'

'Then you're relieved of command,' Graham said simply. 'I was born on the fourteenth of November 1877, and my favorite colour is--'

'You can shut up for now,' said Bowen, whipping his cannon around to point at Graham. 'Our first interest is conquest...'

'Whose conkers?' piped up Bobbi. Her chair was right down the other end from Graham, and she couldn't hear properly.

'AAAAHHHH!!!!' screamed Graham. 'DON'T TOUCH MY CONKERS!!!'

'Shut up,' said Leila, knocking his head back onto the table.

Ratbat was busy making little scratch-marks on Euan's glasses with her fine-pointed fingernails. 'All you later,' she said. 'But First This...' She was interrupted by the gong of the intercom.

'Bridge to Security,' said Tezza's voice.

'Yeah?' asked Ruthie.

'The Science Mistress says that she wants to do something with the interlopers.'

'Well, tell the Science Mistress that she's out of luck for once. These guys have information we need.'

Back on the bridge...

'Hear that?' asked Tezza, dropping her cigarette butt into an empty beer can.

i dont think youll be able to charm our fearless leader this time... added Lady Colleen.

'I don't care!' snapped the third person on the bridge.

'Don't tell us,' drawled Tezza. 'He should know better than to cross you, right?' She pulled the ring on another beer-can, and it came off in her hand. 'Fuck it,' she muttered.

'Exactly!' said the other. Tezza started bashing the can on her control panel in an effort to open it.

so what are you going to do

She pushed a long gold fingernail through the top of Tezza's drink, piercing the can and spraying beer all over Tezza's singlet. 'I'll do what I have to.'

'As I was saying,' continued Bowen. 'We want conquest, not medicine. So the first person we're going to talk to is you.' He pointed to Ruth, who even now was testing the strength of PISF-issue bondage. Ratbat flipped herself over both Euan and her 'sister' to land in front of Ruth.

She pointed her bazookoid at Ruth's waist. 'Now, talk, or prepare for a total eclipse of the nuts!'

'Ratbat...' groaned Leila. 'You might have noticed now and again, but girls don't have..."nuts".'

'Technically we do, baby - they're just harder to get at!' Ratbat was starting to embarrass all of herself, herself, and both of Ruth's selves. 'Tonight's guest on Now You're For It is Ruth Katherine Crabb, a security chief from another dimension...' Leila hit her and she shut up.

'Right,' Bowen started, 'we'll start with the short one.'

Ratbat, Bobbi, Graham and Euan winced, as did Ruthie. The Dread Pirate Bowen had said the wrong thing.

'What?' said Ruth sharply.

'I said, we'll start with the short one!'

'That's what I thought you said,' snarled Ruth. 'You can call me...small. You can call me vertically-challenged. Petite. Un-big. Munchkin. But you do not call me "short"!' She exploded on the last word, and leapt free of her chair, grabbing Ratbat's weapon from her hands and using it to hit both her and Ruthie over the head with it. Bowen raised his cannon to fire, but he was already being knocked against the wall by the huge slab of beef that was his ship's counsellor, who had been thrown by the living frenzy that was the longer-haired Ruth Crabb. She turned the bazookoid around and used it to fire at the control panel on the wall, de-activating all the power in the room. 'Come on!' she called to the other four as they got up.

All five ran through the door and out. 'Hurry up,' Ruth said. 'We've got to find a place to lie low before their security notice that their favourite brig is knee-deep in sleeping bodies.'

In their haste, they didn't notice this world's Dr Graham some way down a corridor they passed. 'What going on?' he wondered. A few seconds later he took out the syringe he was holding between his teeth and pressed the alarm button.

'Me Graham calling bridge!' he screamed.

whats wrong... came Colleen's voice. Strange how it didn't sound different over the intercom.

'Prisoners escaping! Me see them!'

location

'Uh?'

There was something that might have been a sigh. where are you

Graham paused. 'Me on Starship Compromise.'

i see

There was a smaller gong as Tezza cut in on the conversation. 'You're a fuckin' mug, mate.'

The five Starfleet officers bundled into a room at the end of a corridor.

'Was that the alarm just now?' asked Bobbi.

'Somehow I don't think it's Lump Hammer Fetter's alarm clock,' Euan replied. 'Where are we?'

'I think we're in the main lab,' replied Ruth. 'To tell the truth, I just ran through the first open door we came to.'

'And I'm so glad you did,' said a voice behind them.

Leather - Tori Amos

They all turned as one to face yet another member of the crew of the PISS Compromise. She too was wearing heels and mostly black, but that was where the similarity between her and her crewmate Queen Ratti ended. Her heels were stilletos, and were at the bottom of fishnet-covered legs. Up higher, there was a whip looped onto a garter belt below a tight leather bodice. And once more, the figure had a face that they knew, even if it was an identity they didn't.

'Hello,' said the dominatrix. 'My name is Ksenia Ever Romaniew Forde. They call me...the Science Mistress.'

Terri didn't remember quite why she was unconscious, and the only reason she knew that she was was on account of the fact that she was now waking up, and could hear voices. She groaned, mostly to see if she was actually capable of self-generated noise.

"She's coming round," said a voice. It sounded like Ratbat's.

Something about Ratbat...what was I doing?

A second voice spoke. "Yeah. Definitely. I'd guess she'd be back with us in a minute or two." That voice sounded like Colleen's. Internally, she scowled. Neither sounded like they were doing what they usually did.

"You wanna know something?" asked Leila. "I think she looks like Ter--" She stopped, however, for at the mention of her own name, Terri opened her eyes.

"Ah!" said Colleen. "You're awake."

'Yeah, I'm awake,' said Terri, sitting up. 'What's...' She trailed off. '...going on...' She was quite clearly in sick bay, and most of the senior staff were quite clearly here, but a lot of things looked very out of place. For a start, the uniforms were different. The Starfleet attire she wore was basically a black boilersuit over a lilac workshirt with a high collar bearing rank pips, and a shoulder section in red, blue or gold, depending on department. The uniforms on those around her were of a different scheme: They were still red, blue or gold, but here the colour covered most of the top of the (two-piece?) uniform, with the shoulder and collar section a solid black piece - and the communicators had arrowheads over ellipses rather than the two joined bars Terri knew. Besides the uniforms, there were the people.

'What are you doing with a medical tricorder?' she asked Colleen.

"Examining you," was the reply.

'But why? That's the doctor's job. You're not the doctor.'

"Um...yes I am."

'Says who? And what happened to your glasses, and why have you got short hair?'

"In order, says four years of med school; I don't have glasses; and I've had short hair for about thirteen years."

'Uh? Then she realised. 'Of course. It's this other reality thing.'

"Other reality?" asked Ratbat. A Ratbat somewhat better endowed than hers in the...pectoral area. Areas.

'Yeah...where are the others?'

"What others?"

'The others I came with.'

"There weren't any. You were just found out in the corridor."

'Found? Who by?'

"By me," said a lieutenant in gold and black. At first Terri didn't recognise him, until she realised that this must be the clean-shaven version of...

'Graham? Graham Charles Henstock?' Terri threw back her head and laughed.

"That's right. Listen, you couldn't throw a bit of light on what you're doing here, could you?"

Terri collected herself. 'I'm from a ship called the Compromise.' She let out a last unrestrainable giggle.

"This is the Compromise," interjected Leila.

'Yeah, I know. Only I'm from a parallel universe. At least I think I am. Anyway, everyone's doing a different job on board my Compromise. Like you, Colleen, you're not the doctor. Graham's the doctor, and he's all hairy. You're the second officer, and you've got glasses and long hair.'

"That's me," said Lyla.

"And I'm Chief of Security," Graeme added. "And not hairy."

Terri laughed again. 'Ratbat,' she said, 'you--'

"Who?"

Terri pointed to the chiropteran. 'You. Ratbat.'

"My name is Urac. Why would I be Ratbat?"

Terri considering telling this Urac, who still had all the features that had earned Ratbat her name, but decided against it. 'Don't know. But you're not the first officer, are you?'

"No. I'm the counselor."

'Leila's job!'

"How strange," commented the Second Officer.

'And tell me...did all that stuff with the blue dot happen here?'

Urac frowned. A sort of not-that-I-mind-you-asking-but-I'm-kind-of-wondering-why-you-have look. "Aye, a blue dot made it onto the ship and got me pregnant for about three days."

'Did the baby turn out to be a quickly-growing credibility vampire?'

"No...it would have, but somehow my chiropteran DNA over-rode and, well, not only is Anja about two months old, she actually looks it. Why? What happened to your...Ratbat?"

'Um...I'll tell you later.' Knowing how her Ratbat had felt about her Anja, it was probably best not to mention the fates of their alternate daughters to either mother. 'What about that stuff with the Psi-2000?'

"The virus was here," said Graeme. "But it had mutated too much to be potent."

'Ohh... Station Deep Shit Nine?'

They all looked at each other. "Sweetie," said Colleen, "why would anyone in their right mind call a station Deep Shit Nine?"

'Umm...good point.' And after she'd won Starfleet's name-the-station contest, too.

"We'd better get you up to the bridge," said a voice behind her. She turned to see that it was Ensign Andrea Benson from engineering, or as she was here, Commander Andrea Benson, First Officer. Andrea turned to Colleen, who nodded. "Captain Bowen'll want to see you."

'Ah,' said Terri, 'so Euan Bowen's still the captain.'

Everyone in the room, including the hitherto silent Nurses Scholes and Hore, looked at her.

"Iwan's not the Captain," said Robin.

"He's the Science Officer," added Renée.

Terri scowled. 'Then who's in charge?'

Andrea gave her a funny look. "Captain Parker Bowen," she told her.

"Standard orbit," reported Lieutenant Ksenia Ford from the conn.

"Good," responded Parker. He turned his long face to Terri. "Now, what can you tell us about how you got here?"

Terri didn't listen. She was paying too much attention to the argument going on between Urac and Lyla over whether the former was allowed to breastfeed Anja on the bridge:

"Och, look at summat else if it offends ye so much!"

"It doesn't offend me so much, I'm just wondering if this is really an appropriate time and place."

"She needs feeding now, and this is where I am!"

"Can't you use a bottle or something instead?"

"I'd look really silly breastfeeding a bottle instead of a baby," she returned, stroking Anja's little head.[8] "Now leave me alone or I'll tell you what I did when it was my turn to make the coffee at the meeting this morning."

Parker nudged Terri with his muzzle, returning her attention to him.

'What? Sorry. I remember Ruth and Bobbi - who are the security chief and chief engineer on my ship - had gone through some rift or something, so Euan, Graham and Ratbat went to look for them...'

"The Captain, CMO and First Officer," said Lyla.

'Right. Then Ksenia--'

"What?" Lieutenant Ford looked up.

'Not you, Ksenia the science officer.'

Ksenia shook her head, then returned to her panel.

'Anyway, Ksenia noticed that the rift was starting to act strangely, so she asked me to go in and get them. Next thing I know, I'm waking up in your sickbay.'

"Interesting," said Parker. "Lyla, scan the ship for any extra-dimensional activity." He turned back to Terri. "If you're from an alternate Compromise, I wonder why we don't have a version of you on board."

Terri shrugged. 'Don't ask me.'

Urac looked over from moving Anja from her upper left to lower right. "Hang about...what's yer name?"

'Terri O'Ferez.' Urac and Parker exchanged glances. 'What?'

"Of course...we should have realised. There ren't that many green people around..." said Parker.

'What? What are you talking about?'

"You do have a counterpart on this ship," said Lyla. "On leave right at the moment, but he really is a nice bloke."

"Anyway," announced Parker, punctuating with one of those weird dog-sneezes. "I take it you don't know much about parallel universes where you come from...otherwise you wouldn't be looking so surprised all the time."

Terri shook her head. 'Well, I sure as hell don't. And Ksenia looked a bit confused.'

"I think we might me a bit more advanced than you in that area, then. Counselor..."

"Aye?"

"Can you take Miss O'Ferez here down to the science department? Our Chief of Sciences might be able to help her."

"O.K." This neatly co-incided with Anja deciding that she had had her fill, so Urac covered herself up and led Terri into the turbolift. "Science Department if you will, Miss Ruth," she told the air.

"Gotcha."

As the turbolift descended, Terri turned to Urac. "Iwan's your science officer, isn't he?'

"Yeh-heh."

'Is he any good?'

Urac smiled, realising another difference between the two worlds. "Would I have married him if he wasn't?"

Despite the fact that her initial appearance had scared the living crap out of Euan, Ksenia the Science Mistress was proving to have no hostile intentions towards him and his fellows. Quite the opposite, in fact...

'I want to help you,' she said.

'What?' Ruth was incredulous. 'All your pals are trying to drill us for our mind and soul, and you want to help us? Pardon me for thinking you're full of shit.'

'Let me explain.' Ksenia sprawled herself over a console, which the Starfleets guessed was her way of seating herself. 'Firstly, it was me who reduced the power on your restraints and let you escape from the brig.

'Secondly, when I first gave the crew on this ship the details they used to identify you, I didn't really think that we'd ever...encounter such people. I only did it to keep that idiot with the fusion cannon quiet.'

'You mean you don't want them to get to other worlds?' asked Bobbi.

Ksenia shook her head. 'No. The truth is that while I've been on the Compromise, power has been kind of...divided. It might look like Euan's in command, but you'll find a lot of the people here would rather answer directly to me. Fi, for example,' she purred, indicating the Magenta-clone across the room. She gave her a look which Euan found disturbing even though this time it wasn't directed at himself, then got back to the point. 'But if they find other worlds, can you imagine what would happen? The Captain might well find a Mistress Forde that will actually serve his needs without trying to run the ship behind his back.'

'Isn't there equal chance of you finding another Bowen?' asked Ruth.

'Yes, but here Bowen does have the weight of the Imperial Fleet behind him. And as long as you're here, dead or alive, there's a chance you could be used to find out how to cross the gap. I want to help you get back, and then to close the door behind you.' She licked her lips on the last remark, and Euan decided that he really did want to be somewhere else.

'How do you plan to do this?' asked Graham.

The Science Mistress sat up and crossed her legs, leaving Euan to sweat slightly less. 'Thing is...I'll need your help if I'm going to help you help me by helping you.'

'?'

'Don't worry. My transporter chief has also proved...friendly in the past. I suggest we split into two groups now. There are adjustments that need to made. Both in the transporter room, and in engineering.'

"The thing is," Iwan was telling Terri, "we've made great advances in the field of transomnitemporal technology." He pressed a few more panels on the computer. "Computer, begin quantum signature search."

"Working," said the computer, in a voice that sounded to Terri like another computer that had once lived under a volcano.[9]

Iwan turned to his wife and their technically non-existent visitor. He wondered if he should mention that Urac was starting to involuntarily express and produce small damp patches on her uniform. Nah - she'll find out. "The computer'll take a while to think about this one." He paused. "Who wants to play Scrabble?"

Euan and Graham had ended up in transporter room seven with a punk transporter chief named Emma! aiding them, while the Science Mistress herself had taken Bobbi, Ratbat and Ruth to the rear engineering chamber.

Bobbi, looking over what Ksenia was doing, saw that while Ksenia might have been equipped with a sight more theory than she was in this particular area, they were about twenty years or so behind as far as actual technology went.

'That shouldn't go there,' she told Ksenia.

'That's a quantum stabiliser.'

'I know! So why are you bypassing it?'

'We don't want quantum stability,' Ruth told her.

'Not if we're trying to change quantum signatures,' added Ratbat.

'True,' conceded Bobbi.

Ksenia produced a sonic lance that they were sure she hadn't had a pocket to store. 'I think your problem, my pretty young thing, might be that you're trying to unlearn too much.'

Bobbi nodded.

'Actually,' Ksenia paused, and breathed deeply - though how she could breathe at all in that top was anyone's guess. 'I've just realised a way that you could be even more useful than engineering work.'

'How?' asked Bobbi nervously. Getting ravished by Ksenia - even if was a totally different Ksenia - wasn't exactly at the top of today's daily goal list.

'There's a lot of inter-departmental rivalry on the Compromise. People only really answer to their own department heads and the commanders. Because Ratbat only really goes to security because she might be allowed to shoot something, the only people who are likely to wander into main engineering are our Bobbi or the captain. Bobbi I can't speak for, but you do look more than slightly like her...'

'...and so you might be able to distract the captain!' concluded Ruth.

'How?'

One of Ruth's eyebrows crept above her glasses. 'Use your feminine wiles.'

'You've been hanging around this one too long,' muttered Bobbi, but she agreed anyway. As she got up and went towards one of the exits, Ksenia looked up again to watch her leave.

'What have you got to do to get hold of a body like that...' she drooled.

Ratbat shook her head. 'I dunno. Glenda knows I've tried to steal it enough times.'

Emma! had spread most of the internal components of the transporter pad across the floor of the room, and half of the parts she was putting back didn't really seem to belong there.

'Are you sure you know what you're doing?' Euan asked for about the seventeenth time.

'Course I fucking do,' replied Emma!, adjusting a piece of circuitry with a screwdriver attached via a chain to her nose-ring. She held out a hand and Graham dropped a meter into it.

'Should that go there?' he asked.

'No. That's why I put it there.' She held out a hand and Graham kissed it, so she punched him. 'Look, if you really want to be useful, go down to engineering and distract the Naked Chief Engineer so she doesn't find the others.'

'How'm I supposed to do that?'

'I dunno,' Graham shook his head, 'fuck the girl or something!'

Euan blushed and left the room. Emma! watched him go, then returned to work.

'Solder-gun,' said Emma!. She held out her hand and Graham stuck it in his mouth. She groaned, but it wasn't worth breaking his jaw from the inside. Fortunately she had the tool she needed hanging by a chain from the ring through her throat.

That was timing, reflected Bobbi as she entered main engineering. This world's engineering bunties were nowhere to be found, but she had, just as the Science Mistress predicted, run straight into Captain Bowen. She went up to him.

'Where were you going?' she asked him, hoping she sounded as disrespectful as her sister.

'Wherever I want to!' he growled back.

'You weren't thinking of going to the rear chamber, were you?' she hissed, grabbing his arm to spin him away from that direction.

'Were you?'

Time After Time (quietly)

'I think maybe we should both stay out here.'

'Any reason, Chief Scholes?'

'We could think of one.'

It was at that point he noticed that even though she hadn't let go of his upper arm, she no longer held it so harshly.

God, Bobbi, she thought. Have some taste! How can you possibly have the hots for an omnicidal maniac with a detachable fusion cannon? She was unaware that similarly, the fusion cannon was not the protrudence at the forefront of his mind.

'What kind of reason were you thinking of?' he asked, and then it was one of those moments. When two people both know what they want, and it's the same thing. When mentally - and physically - they must be one.

Thirty seconds later, they slipped down behind the scanner table, and did it.

Counselor Urac Bowen saw the indicator go off the instrument panel. "That's got it!" she called over to where Iwan and Terri were playing with Anja - the latter competing with her stepfather for possession of a squeaky-toy.

Iwan bounded across the room, his untied hair looking like a mane until he landed. "It has," he confirmed. He pressed his communicator. "Bowen to bridge!"

"Bowen here."

"We can make the link, Captain. I suggest you link the communications array to my computers down here."

Back on the bridge, there was a short delay while Graeme did this. He nodded to Parker.

"Right," said Parker, flipping a switch on his armrest with a paw. "USS Compromise calling USS Compromise..."

"USS Compromise calling USS Compromise..." the voice on the screen said. The strange thing was, the speaker appeared to be a dog - the same dog who was even now trying to eat a synthetic pot plant on the other side of the room.

"Captain Parker Bowen of the USS Compromise. I think we have someone on our ship who might want to speak to you."

The image shook her head. 'No. Iwan thinks that because I went through the rift when it was closing, I ended up in a different universe to both them and you."

'Different Iwan, sweets. Listen, can you put this through to Ksenia? Iwan over here says that once he's talked to her and Emma the Techie, they should be able to get everyone right where they belong.'

At long last, the engineer rolled off of the top of Euan.

'Hrrrrhhh!' he gasped. That had been... That had been... Well, there was no word for what it had been, but it really had been it.[10]

They both lay in afterglow for a few moments. Bobbi lit up a cigarette. Euan was about to remind her not to, when he remembered the role he was playing here, and that that was his Robyn that rule applied to. Speaking of which, actually...

'Robyn?' he panted.

'Hmm?'

'Why are you, or why were you until very recently, all dressed up like your NSF counterpart?'

Bobbi turned to face him to deliver her final blow.[11] 'Because I am my NSF counterpart!'

They both looked at each other for a few seconds.

They both realised.

'Eeeeeuuurrrrhhhh!!!!!'

Two people have never leapt apart so fast.

'You mean...that...I...?'

'...we...Oh, God!'

Before they could get too far into anxiety, Bobbi grabbed his arm - this time to seize his attention along with it. 'Wait a minute! This means that the other Bobbi and Euan could have gone through without us noticing!'

'But...wouldn't they have seen us?'

'I think, darling, that people bonking behind the scanner table might be just another day at the office on this ship. Come on, we'll get to Ksenia, Ratbat and Ruth through the back way.'

'I AM THE BULLSHITAHEDRON!' plagiarised Queen Ratti at the top of her voice. Bobbi had been right about Bowen and Bobbi coming through, and, once they had seen what was going on, they had sent for Ratbat, Ruthie, and several Nazi-looking securities. Most of them were redundant, however, as Ratbat insisted on letting out peal after peal of bazookoid fire at the rather haphazard force-field that Ksenia had put up.

Ksenia herself was still working on the power link that the transporter required, while Ratbat and Ruth were trying to defend themselves through the intermittent one-way sections of the field.

It was not, by most accounts, a good situation.

'TAKE THAT, YOU IRONING-BOARD BUM-SAUSAGE CRAP MERCHANTS!'

'Who taught ye to talk like that?' muttered Ratbat, as several sparks penetrated the force-field and got at her eyes. Most of the security personnel had stopped their assault, for fear of getting in the way of the mad latex-clad chiropteran. The Dread Pirate Bowen and Bobbi had as well. Ratbat was sure that Bobbi being naked was a bad idea. She wasn't put off by nudity either, but she did know about plasma burns. She would have thought Bobbi did too. Actually, knowing this place, she probably enjoyed them.

In one of those classic mistakes of assault planning that made a Ruth Crabb a Ruth Crabb, the rear door had been left unguarded, and the Bobbi and Euan that had so recently been in main engineering entered through it.

'Cruk!' Euan ducked behind the machinery as he saw the battle going on.

'Sorry, guys...!' called Bobbi.

'Mental note:' Ruth said to herself as a stray phaser bolt went off by her head. 'No more distracting jobs to be given to the captain or chief engineer.'

Ksenia looked up from her half-finished work, and saw Ratbat tuning her bazookoid dangerously high to overload. 'It's no good!' she cried. Even now she still couldn't stop herself from sounding as though she wanted to make love to everyone in the room. 'That's going to take the field out and us with it.' She slid a hand across her comm brooch. 'Forde to Techie! Get--'

'HIE THEE TO A NUNNERY, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!' Ratbat let rip with an enormous volley, wiping out force-field, machinery, all and sundry.

Iwan and Terri stood in front of a layout diagram of the Compromise.

"The rift back to your world will appear right where it was before," he said, pointing to a spot on the map. "Here."

'What about my friends?' asked Terri.

"We'll get Emma to put you on their ship as close to them as we can," Iwan told her. "Which at the moment looks like being..." He waved a finger above the map while he checked another panel. "...here. And you'll have to hurry. We'll only be able to keep that thing open for an hour." He turned from the display to the ship's counselor. "Now, Urac, if you could take this lovely young lady up to transporter room seven..."

"Fair enough." Urac handed Anja back to Iwan. "Come on," she said to Terri, who fell into her wake and out of the room.

As the two women made their way through the corridors, Terri felt she was in a good enough position to pose a personal question. 'Rat-- Urac, you're married to Iwan, right?'

"Aye."

'Is he...well, is he really as good as I've heard?'

Urac paused, a slightly odd look crossing her face. "What? Ye dinna think that just 'cos I'm married to the guy that I'm gonna have sex with him?"

'Of course not,' Terri replied drily, knowing that in this case at least, Urac probably spoke for herself rather than her universe. 'I can't imagine why I thought that.'

'We're starting to spend too much time here,' observed Bobbi once her and her four crewmates had been sealed into the PISS Compromise brig yet again.

'Bang go our chances of getting home,' added Ruth.

'Maybe I could sell all of you for my own freedom,' mused Graham. When he felt twelve eyes turn on him, he said. 'Bugger. I didn't mean to say that part out loud.'

They started as a shimmering started in the centre of the room. 'Wha'fuh?' they burst out. Someone was materialising, that was certain, and it was...

'Terri?' spluttered Ruth.

Terri looked about herself and took in her surroundings. 'Oh, very bloody good,' she spat. 'Thank you very fucking much, Transporter Chief Klingon!'

'What brings you here?' asked Ratbat, once hugs and greetings had been exchanged all round.

'Well, it was our way of getting home,' she told them. 'But unless we get out of this place in about fifty-nine minutes, I'm afraid we're just a tiny bit fucked.'

'It's getting to be one of those days,' growled Ratbat.

They all turned, noticing a shape at the doorway.

'I'm truly sorry,' said the Science Mistress, leaning front-first against the transparent force-field to the brig. 'I didn't know that Jaan and Nic would be outside the transporter room.' She shrugged sexily (well, duh). 'I guess my sphere of influence doesn't quite extend to interdimensional interlopers.'

'Well, can you get us out?' prompted Euan. 'We've got another way, now.'

Ksenia shook her head, masses of blonde hair sliding over her shoulders. 'No, not this time... It seems that our beloved Captain has changed the security codes without letting me in on it.' She sighed. 'Aaahhh. It was fun while it lasted.'

'Oh, cheers,' said Ratbat.

Ksenia moved as she heard someone else approach. A pale hand leaned across to the keypad, and keyed in the code to deactivate the field: 1-2-3-4-5, one of the Dread Pirate's favourites.

Even Ksenia seemed put out by this one. 'You? You're letting them out?'

yes... replied Lady Colleen, stepping to fill the doorway.

'Why?' Ruth couldn't help but ask.

i dont need another compromise... we certainly dont need a whole other world ending up like this one... besides i like it when theres only one of me around i dont need some kind of copy... now didnt you all say you had a way of getting home

The Starfleet Six needed no further invitation. They all piled out the door, Euan only stopping to kiss Lady Colleen on the cheek, and, in perfect matinee-idol style, say, 'I don't think there's anyone like you anywhere.'[13] Then he followed the others toward their escape.

what a guy

Graham was in a foul mood as he returned to sickbay. Why did the Dread Pirate Windbag always pick on him whenever something went wrong? It wasn't his fault he was like this. OK, the guy was a great lover, but he was a shit captain. Surely there was some other Graham somewhere who was just as useless?

And then it hit him.

He turned to the M^cMillans, the only two remaining Graham's Devils that he hadn't accidentally forgotten about halfway through an experiment.

'Anthea -'

'Melanie,' corrected Melanie (maybe).

'Melanie -'

'Anthea,' corrected Anthea (possibly).

Graham ignored this. 'Get me, Graham, clean uniform,' he ordered. They disappeared from sight, returning a few seconds later with the garment he'd requested.

He changed into it right in front of his nurses (which promptly sent both of them into shock), and called out, 'Computer! Where aliens?'

'The intruders are currently on deck 17, corridor 01.'

'Good! That right outside!' He stuck his head out the door, and saw the Starfleet officers running down the corridor towards him. Ducking back in again, he attached himself to the end of their party as they went past. Then, as they stopped, then located and entered the fissure, he went with them.

Tezza tried to keep up with Ratbat as she strode down the corridor. OK, that was a lie. She was just going a lot slower because she didn't really want to be here.

'We've lost three people,' Ratbat was telling her, coming as close as she did to her actual job of first officer, as opposed to resident psycho-nutscape maniac.

'Really? Who?'

'Grahamlock, Lady Colleen and the Science Mistress.'

Tezza shrugged. 'Well, Bowen'll be pleased. That's one more rebel he doesn't have to worry about.'

'Aye, but as for Graham--'

They stopped short as Graham apparently spun out of the wall and nearly knocked them over. 'Me Graham here!' he said proudly.

'I can see that, hedgehog-hair!' Ratbat growled back. 'That still leaves two. Where the fuck are Colleen and Ksenia?'

Lyla blinked at her ops console. That shouldn't have just happened. Mind you, that didn't change the fact that it just had.

"Um...Captain," she called.

"Yes?" responded Parker.

"There was just another dimensional anomaly in the supplementary vessel bay. And we lost a runabout to it. The Bujold."[14]

"Oh, leave it," Parker told her. "If we've lost a runabout, we've lost a runabout. I think we've all had quite enough of other dimensions for one day."