Ksenia sighed. 'But what about the two-way neural interface? Is it going?'

Fi punched a couple of keys. 'Um...yes. It's up and running. Parker is now directly linked with Cotter.'

Parker's eyes were crossed, and he looked a bit surprised.

'How do you feel, Parker?' Ksenia asked him.

'Wow,' he replied in Cotter's voice.[6]

'Great. It works.' Ksenia tossed her padd to one side. 'What a relief!'

Fi sat down next to her superior. 'The things they can do with brain manipulation these days are quite remarkable.'

'Yes. I sometimes wonder if it isn't the right thing to do.'

'Hm.'

In the Captain's ready-room, the Artificial Reality helmet sat on the desk. Metaphorically, it had just begun to tick.

Euan excused himself from the game when Fiona and Melanie won.

'Sorry, guys, but I want to get back to the 1956 Ashes series. I'm about to change history by bringing Merv Hughes into the attack.'

Terri looked skeptical. 'I thought you hated cricket.'

'I do, but if I combine the old players with modern technology, it can be very interesting. Have you ever thought what it'd be like to have Curtly Ambrose in zero-gee?'

Leila winced. 'I try not to, actually.'

Puma yowled. 'Thanks, Euan, you know what kind of mental picture that's given me?'

'Who cares, you're only a cat.' Euan paused as Puma's claws tightened around his throat. 'Maybe not...'

The Captain untangled himself from the feline fingers, and trotted out of the door.

'I'm glad the AR machine works OK. I got it cheap off a really bodgy Quagaar merchant, and I wasn't sure it'd work.' commented Leila.

Merv Hughes stood at the crease. He looked down the pitch at Richie Richardson, whose hat was presently interfering with the satellite transmission. If he could get this wicket, it would be his eighth hat-trick this year.

Eyes narrowed, as he started his run-up.

'CAPTAIN!!!' Bobbi bellowed.

Euan removed the helmet, and squinted at his Chief Engineer. 'Hello, Robyn, what's up?'

'The engines were playing up, and when we did a diagnostic, it turned out that someone on the command level had been fiddling with the calibrations.'

'Really?' Euan looked perplexed. 'Who has clearance?'

'Well, there's Colleen...'

'Who's been on planet leave for a week having a wedding-dress fitting.'[7]

'Ratbat...'

Euan looked skeptical. 'Yes?'

'And you.'

'Ah.'

Bobbi stared at him. 'What do you mean, Ah?'

Euan spread his hands. 'I wouldn't know an engine calibration if it bit me. Sorry, I can't help you. If it wasn't Ratti, someone must have been using a command-level security code. Get Ruth on to it.'

Bobbi nodded, and went out. She didn't mention to the Captain that the palm-print, voice-recognition, and security code had all matched his own. For once, Bobbi decided to take Euan's advice, and wandered off to find Ruth.

The Security Chief was busy doing something nasty to Ensign Thomas at the phaser-range, but stopped and tried to hide a six-foot bastard sword behind her back as Bobbi approached.[8] Anthony gave a whimper, and collapsed.

'Hello, Ruth. What's happening?'

Ruth gestured vaguely.[9] 'I've been practising my magic act on Anthony.'

Bobbi sighed, and decided not to tell Ruth that sword-swallowers don't literally swallow swords.[10] 'I need a word. It's a delicate matter of security.'

Anthony quietly crawled away.

The two officers entered Ruth's new Headquarters. Bobbi couldn't quite ignore the manacles hanging from the wall and the iron maiden in the corner, but made a valiant attempt. 'Um,' she said.

'Sit down,' Ruth offered.

Bobbi tried to find a chair that wasn't covered in copies of Jane's Book of Photon Torpedoes, which Ruth had just had published. 'Ruth, I need you to do something that in the circumstances may be considered a bit...illegal...'

Ruth's ears pricked up. 'Yes?'

'I think there's something amiss with the Captain. Somehow, he managed to recalibrate the sub-light engines. Now, this is a very delicate manoeuvre, and I don't think Euan himself actually has the knowledge to do it. I want to know if anyone's using his security clearance to gain access to restricted sites around the ship.'

'So what do you want me to do?'

'Can you keep a trace on him? On his communicator?'

Ruth pursed her lips. 'What you're asking me to do is in violation of... oh, bugger it. Yep, sure I can.'

She turned to one of her many blinking, winking consoles. 'Let's see where he is now.' The Security Chief's fingers danced over the key-pads. 'Captain Euan is...just outside the door...'

Euan Bond turned quickly, in time to see Blofeld running out the door. Quickly shouldering his P-38 he darted after the retreating figure.

At the lift, Blofeld was held up, and Euan caught him. 'This is the end of the road, pal,' he said. 'You killed my latest girlfriend, you stole the Crown Jewels, and you scuffed my GPs. Die, like the dog you are.' His hands tightened around Blofeld's throat--

'Euan! Stop!' Ruth seized the helmet and pulled it off his head.

Bobbi fell to the floor, gasping.

'What the hell do you think you were doing?' Ruth shouted. 'Here we are, just doing a bit of routine maintenance, and you try to kill the Chief Engineer!'

Euan looked around. 'All is gone...all is confusion. A wasteland of smoke and straight lines.'

Ruth and Bobbi stared at him.

'All is in flux...changing...' he leapt to his feet. 'You will die!'

Ruth hit her communicator. 'Large! Sword! Murphy! To security, NOW!'

Euan grabbed the AR helmet, spun around, ripped off his communicator, and bolted. Cathie, Annabelle and Jaan darted in a minute later.

'Too late, guys,' Ruth said reproachfully.

'What's the problem?' asked Jaan.

Bobbi straightened her uniform where Euan had twisted it. 'Our beloved Captain's gone nuts.'

Annabelle scratched her head. 'Is this something new?'

'I don't mean he's a bit dopey and not exactly there, he just tried to kill me!' Bobbi retorted.

Ruth looked worried. 'This is serious. Our Captain's actually taking part in the goings on around the ship. We could be in big trouble.'

'Yes,' agreed Bobbi, rubbing her throat.

Her comm badge gave a beep. 'Engineering to Chief Scholes,' came Chaedy's voice.

'Scholes here,' she said.

'Chief, we have a bit of a problem. There's been a course change, and I can't change it back. We're heading for the Nerpalon system now. Who did it?'

Bobbi sighed. 'Chaedy, try isolating the security clearance code Foxtrot Walrus 3204 Baker Williams. I think you'll find that it was the Captain.'

'Why the Captain?'

'I don't know,' Bobbi said. 'And I think that when we find out, we're not going to like the answer.'

Euan crept along the corridor outside Sickbay. His enemies were all around him, and there was no escape.

If only he could take the ship to Detritus 7, then all might be...

He was tackled to the floor by an orange-haired blur. 'EUIE!!!' the blur was bellowing.

Captain and CMO sat up. 'Oh no. It is my arch enemy, Moriarty! How am I going to escape, Watson?'

Graham grabbed Euan by the arm. 'Let's go and get PISSED!'

Euan punched him. 'Don't try to trick me, Moriarty! You're still the same blaggard you always were!'

'What the blatant fuck are you talking about?'

Euan's eyes were glazed. 'I give you one last chance to give yourself up! Surrender to Her Majesty's justice, and you may live. Otherwise, I'll have my assistant shoot you!'

Graham had never seen Euan being assertive before. It was like being attacked by a stick of wet asparagus. 'What the smeg?' He reached for his emergency hypospray, which he always kept, just in case. After a second's thought, he put it away again. An aphrodisiac would probably have had a detrimental effect on Euan's condition.

Euan attempted to stand up, but Graham's considerable bulk on his legs prevented it. 'Aarggh! Help! I'm being eaten by a killer python!!'

Nicole stuck her head around the door. 'What's happening?'

'The Captain's gone barmy. Get a sedative.'

Euan started to gibber. 'Adric! Sarah-Jane! Romana! Leela! Where are you all?' He grabbed Graham by the beard. 'You are an evil Time Lord, I must KILL you!'

Graham winced.[11] 'Shit. Hurry up, Nicole!'

Nicole pounced upon Euan from behind and shot his neck full of sedative. He gently keeled over.

'Thank Cthulu for that!' Graham got up. 'Put him in Sickbay. I think I'd better go and find Ratti.'

Ratbat was in 10-Foreplay discussing Midori stories with Emma the Klingon. Renée was trying to stand up straight.

Graham strode in.[12] 'Ratti, we have a problem with the Captain.'

Ratbat looked up. 'Aye? Anything new?'

Renée fell over on Graham's boots.

'The sod's, like, acting intelligent!'

Ratbat's eyebrows vanished into her hairline.[13] 'This is new!'

Renée staggered to her feet, singing Wuthering Heights. 'Heafclif! It's me...Coffee!' She fell over again. Graham caught her, and sat the inebriated barfly on a couch.

'Anyway, Nicole put him out, so this means you're in charge. What happens now, Captain?'

Ratbat sighed and put down her midori-and-lemonade-and-coke-and-fanta-and-squash-and-creaming-soda.[14] 'Bloody hell. Can you or Ksenia do anything with him? It sounds like insanity to me.'

Graham looked thoughtful. 'No, I don't think he's insane. I mean, where's the difference? I think he's sexually frustrated, that's all.'

Ratbat didn't reply, but gave Graham a Look.

'He could be!'

'If he is, I don't think it's going to make him assertive, for smeg's sake! Well, what's our current assignment?'

'How should I know?'

Graham's badge gave a chirp. 'Er...McMillan to CMO Henstock. We've got a problem.'

'What's wrong? Has Fiona got into my secret supply of PCP again?' Graham caught Ratbat's expression. 'Experimental purposes only, promise!'

'The problem is, Graham, that Euan has woken himself up somehow, totalled half of sickbay, and is now loose somewhere on this ship!'

'Ah.'

Ratbat scratched her head. 'Can we assume that Euan is being controlled by other forces?'

'Define "other forces",' Emma interrupted.

Ratbat looked at her.

She shrugged. 'Well, it could be just forces, miscellaneous.'

'Forces other than the ones in his head, then.'

Emma nodded. 'There's no way the forces that are normally in Euan's head could ever do anything dangerous.'

'OK, so are we agreed?'

Graham and Emma nodded. Renée fell off her chair.

'Right. I reckon we should try to find out who it is.'

'How?' asked Graham.

Ratbat opened her mouth, thought for a second, closed it again, and shrugged. 'Dunno.'

'Why don't we ask Ksenia what to do?' Graham suggested.

'I thought you didn't like everyone going to Ksenia instead of you when they had problems,' said Ratbat.

'Yeah,' said Graham, 'But this time I don't know what to do, so if you asked me, I'd look really stupid.'

Ratbat forbore to comment.[15]

'Let's go.'

They walked out. 'Want another drink, Renée?' asked Emma.

Renée responded that she indeed would be partial to another fermented vegetable beverage if it wouldn't put too great a tax on Emma's valuable time. At least, that's what she meant. All she actually managed to articulate was a string of esses.

Sickbay was a mess. Graham's collection of suspect[16] movies was strewn all over the floor, with the tape hanging out, one of the Nurses McMillan was nursing a large bruise on her forehead, and several biobeds had been upturned.

'Oh, shit. What's happened to my vid collection?' Graham caught himself. 'I mean the collection of vids that aren't really mine, of course.'

'Who else's could they be?' asked Ratbat sarcastically.

'Fox Mulder?' Graham shook his head. 'Anyway, Nurse McMillan...er...which one are you?'

The battered Ensign made an impolite comment, to the tune of it didn't matter which one she was since Graham was bound to forget in two seconds anyway.

'Er...all right, Nurse, what happened here?'

'I bloody told you on the intercom, you smelly bastard!'[17]

Ensign Wylie wandered in. 'I've tried to track him, but there's no sign. I think he's avoiding the security sensors.'

Graham looked perplexed. 'Euan doesn't know where the security sensors are!'

'Gra, darling, I think we're going to have to assume that we're not dealing with Euan's normal intelligence here,' Ratbat interrupted. 'He's been manipulated by person or persons unknown. If these guys don't know where he is, we'd really better get hold of Ksenia.'

'But what about my movie collection? I mean, someone else's movie collection?'

'We can get you both another one, now let's go!'

Ksenia was quietly pottering around her lab, humming an old tune by George Burns. Her experiments with intelligence transferral and neural manipulation had been almost frighteningly successful. She had Cotter expounding on Nuclear Physics, Parker was no longer running headfirst into walls, and Puma...well, Puma wasn't much different, but since he was a cat to begin with, that's only to be expected. Cats always act more like humanoids than they would like to admit.

The door burst open, and a motley collection of crewmembers fell in. Graham and Ratbat were only just visible underneath Nurse M^cMillan, Ensign Wylie, Ensign Thomas, and someone they'd managed to pick up from 10-Foreplay.

'Ksenia, we really need your help!' Graham's muffled voice came from under Anthony's armpit.

Ksenia carefully moved out of the way of any danger, and coughed politely. 'Yes?'

Ratbat disentangled herself and bounced to her feet. 'We're having a little trouble with the Captain,' she announced brightly. 'He's somehow being controlled by some weird alien force, and we need to know which weird alien force before we can do anything about it.'

Ksenia shoo-ed the unnecessary crew out of her lab, and shut the door. 'Right. Now, is it neural manipulation we're up against? Because I've just finished a very interesting research paper on that.'

Ratbat shrugged. 'I guess. He seems to be trying to be various famous fictional characters, and somehow, we're all the enemy.'

'Yeah,' said Graham, trying to look like he was doing something important.

'OK.' Ksenia grabbed a padd from a nearby bench, and started making notes. 'Now, in a case like this, we're going to have to find some kind of receiver/transmitter, which the Other Force will be using to control Euan. It'll probably be something completely innocent, so we're going to need to do a very thorough search. Have Ruth start in his quarters. Look for anything that may be a little unusual.' She paused to take a deep breath. 'The transmitter is probably something that Euan would use a lot, and not pay any attention to.'

'His bum?' asked Graham.

'Go home.'

'A Walkperson, maybe?' suggested Ratbat.

'Yeah, a Walkman, a pair of electronic sunglasses, that kind of thing.'

'Oh shit,' said Ratbat suddenly.

Ksenia raised an eyebrow. 'Yes?'

'Could an Artificial Reality unit do it?'

The Science Officer shrugged. 'I suppose. It would be a good disguise. Why?'

'I think I know what it is. Let's go.'

Euan was curled up underneath a staircase in Engineering, snarling at anyone who tried to touch him.

'It's useless, Chief,' said Andrea. 'He just doesn't want to come out.'

Bobbi, crouching down trying to reach the Captain, sighed and punched the wall. 'He has to come out! He could be a danger to anyone in the immediate vicinity, and that's me!'

Karen wandered up. 'I've got an idea. Shoot him full of THC.[18] It'll mellow him out till you can do whatever you like with him.'

Bobbi stood up, banging her head on a stair. 'Ow. Good idea. Got any?'

Karen tapped her comm badge. 'Robinson to Murphy. We need your expert assistance in Engineering.'

'Coming right up!' came Jaan's voice.

Bobbi raised an eyebrow.

'He's good at this sort of thing!'

Jaan soon appeared on the scene, and Euan was subsequently carried into Sickbay, with a beatific smile on his face.

'Where is everyone?' Karen asked Ensign McCulloch, who had just finished tidying up the mess Euan had made last time.

'They're with Ksenia,' she replied. 'Look, can you strap him down or something this time? It took me ages to wind all Graham's blue movies up again.'

Euan was deposited on a biobed and secured.

'OK, now call Ksenia and tell her we've found the Captain,' ordered Bobbi. She noticed that no one was paying any particular attention to her, and called Ksenia herself.

'We're in the Captain's quarters, and I think we've just found the cause of the disturbance,' the Commander's voice came over the channel. 'Can you get Euan to my lab?'

Bobbi sighed. 'No problem, darling.' She turned to her crew. 'OK, pick him up again. We've got to get him to the lab.'

The assembled party gave various groans and complaints. Euan was approximately six foot[19] tall and had proportionate weight, and therefore was not the lightest of objects, particularly when effectively stoned.

'We'd better get on with it,' Bobbi said resignedly.

When Euan was finally plonked in Ksenia's lab, which was quite a long way from Sickbay, quite a number of the carrying party had collapsed. (When they thought about it afterwards, everyone was kicking themselves for not using the transporter. Euan is quite heavy.)

'Eh up, what kept you?' said Ratbat cheerfully. Bobbi gave her a dirty look, and didn't comment.

Ksenia had the AR helmet on a table, and was poking around inside its circuitry. 'I've found it. It's a small subspace transceiver in the neural interface circuit.'

Graham peered over her shoulder. 'What?'

'The thing that's controlling him is in here.'

'Oh.'

Ksenia prodded the circuit. 'I think...yes.' she turned to a screen. 'I think I can make the subspace path show up here...if I just adjust the tachyon field...here we go...'

The screen showed a few coloured dots and lines, which probably even meant something.

'Here we go! The subspace signal is being transmitted from here.' She prodded the screen. 'Detritus VII, in the Nerpalon system.'

Ratbat groaned. 'That's the home planet of the Quagaars. I knew it!'

'OK, that's all very well, but how can we stop them?' asked Graham.

Ksenia tapped her chin with the padd thoughtfully. 'I can disable the transceiver by sending a neutron pulse along the subspace channel, but there's still the matter of our course. As far as I know, we're still heading for Detritus VII.' She tapped her comm badge. 'Forde to O'Ferez. How long until we reach the Nerpalon system?'

There was a pause. 'Oh, you mean me. Um, Nerpalon...Nerpalon...here we go.'

Everyone waited.

'Time to Nerpalon system is fifteen minutes. Who set the engines at warp nine?'

'It was Euan. Don't worry.' Ksenia closed the channel. 'All right. Suggestions?'

Ratbat's head popped up. ''Ang on, miss! This is my job! I'm the stand-in Captain!'

'Which means that you get ignored and ridiculed by everyone,' Ksenia said briskly. 'Well, people? What do we do?'

Ensign Thomas put up his hand. 'We could try changing course. I think Ruth could probably crack the Captain's security codes and alter it, but,' he pulled a face, 'It's going to take some time.'

'Right, let's do it. Anthony, get Ruth on to that now, everyone else, get to where you belong. Ksenia, do what you can to disable that transceiver, then join us on the bridge.' Ratbat, her head swollen with power,[20] marched out of the lab.

'Let's go, people,' said Ksenia.

The peace on the bridge was broken by Ratbat, Bobbi, Anthony and Ruth all falling out of the turbolift, which Barry had decided was going too slowly. As they picked themselves up, he apologised profusely.

'Gosh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know that'd happen, are you hurt, please don't be cross...' came his voice from the speaker in the lift.[21]

The quartet proceeded to their assigned positions. Terri and Leila, who had been discussing Euan's technique in bed,[22] repaired to their designated seats. Christine Scholes was doubling at Ops, as Colleen was still on Dorinkwop having her wedding dress fitted, and she gave Bobbi a glare as she walked in. (Chrissie still hadn't forgotten that comment from the shuttlecraft.) Bobbi looked embarrassed, and walked out again.

'OK, Ruth, get to work on that code,' ordered Ratbat.

'Already at it, sir. Anthony, you're on security,' Ruth replied.

'Aye, sir.'

'Now, Ensign Thomas, please arm the phasers and photon torpedoes, while Ruth's busy.' Ratbat ordered.

Anthony set to work.

'Leila, we need to know everything we can about the Quagaars. Get the computer to start a search for anything that might be useful in first-contact procedures.'

Leila got the computer working, then sat back and fell asleep. Her motto has always been SEP - Someone Else's Problem.

Ratbat sat in her chair tensely. Not content with having everyone working as hard as they could, she called to Ksenia's lab to ask how Euan was.

'He's still bent as a paperclip, now piss off and let us get on with some work!' Fi replied to Ratbat's inquiry.

'Lefftenant O'Ferez, time to Nerpalon system?' she asked.

Terri put her copy of Chooks Today under the console, and tapped her controls a few times. 'Nine minutes.'

Ratbat drummed her fingers nervously for a minute. 'OK, um.' She remembered something. 'Oh, Bridge to Engineering.'

'Ritherdon here,' came Chaedy's voice. There was the sound of muffled scuffling, then Lieutenant Malarz's voice came, saying 'No she's not. What's up?'

'How are the shields? Have we got full power to them?'

'Of course we do. We haven't needed them for anything yet.'

Ratbat smiled grimly. 'Let's hope it stays like that.'

Unable to sit still for more than a few minutes, she got up and began to pace around the bridge. 'How long now, Tel?'

'Six minutes.'

'Ratbat,' said Anthony. 'I'm picking up a ship about two minutes ahead of us.'

She stopped.' What sort?'

'A Quagaar Fullrimmer.'

Ratbat resumed her pacing. 'Bugger shit piss fuck,' she said absently.

'What should we do?' Anthony asked.

'Quiet! I'm thinking!' Ratbat sat down again. 'Ruth, how are you going with the code?'

Ruth was staring at her screen. 'What's another name for your butt?'

'My butt doesn't have names, thank you!'

'No, it's Euan's security riddle. You can sit on it, but you can't take it with you. What is it?'

'It's the chair, stupid! Didn't you see Goldeneye?'

Ruth blushed. 'No. I was carried out with hysterics after the scene with the tank.'

Ratbat chuckled.

'It was a T-54.' Ruth entered the code. 'OK, I'm in. Now, just another minute for the computer to recalibrate...'

'They're firing on us!' shouted Anthony.

'Shields up,' said Ratbat.

'They already are, stupid!' came Andrea's voice from engineering.

Ratbat jumped out of her chair. 'Hurry up! Set a course, quickly! 180 mark zero! Warp nine!' She ran to Ruth and started peering over her shoulder.

'Just a minute!' protested Ruth.

The Quagaar ship fired again.

The Compromise shook.

'We're not going to hold much longer! That was a direct hit on the forward shield!' Anthony was diverting all available power to the shields.

'Changing course!' Ruth yelled.

'Another hit!' Anthony yelled, in the same moment.

The Compromise swerved hard to one side. Ratbat was flung headfirst into the starboard bridge railing.

The ship gradually righted itself, and made good progress away from the Nerpalon system.

'How long till we're out of phaser range?' asked Leila. She had been awoken rather suddenly, and considered this quite rude.

'We're clear now,' Ruth replied. 'Thanks, Anthony, dismissed.'

The tall ensign scuttled out, thankful that Ruth hadn't done anything else to him.

'OK, Ratti...' Leila trailed off.

Ratbat lay where she had fallen, blood flowing from an open gash on her forehead.

'Oh, my god.' Leila ran to her sister. 'What the...Ratti! Can you hear me?'

The First Officer remained unresponsive.

'Graham!' Leila hit her badge. 'Come to the bridge quickly! Commander Sigma's been damaged!'

Counsellor Fetter sat in sickbay, watching the unconscious face of the First Officer for any sign of life.

'Are you sure you can't wake her up?' she asked Melanie or Anthea, whichever had just come in.

'No. She's got a severe concussion, and according to the scan, she hasn't been eating properly lately either.' She gave Leila a friendly pat. 'Waking her up would do more harm than good. Just let her come out of it of her own accord.'

Leila sighed. 'Right, so who's in charge of the ship now? Euan's off his nut, Ratti's out cold, and Colleen's off on planet leave. Who's next in line?'

'Technically it's you, but I think Ksenia's set herself up in a command position, and who's going to argue with her?'

'Good point.'

The nurse wandered out, and Leila was left with Ratbat. She sighed. 'I really worry about you sometimes, you silly cow,' she muttered.

'Forde to Counsellor Fetter,' Leila's comm badge piped up.

'Go ahead.'

'Could you please come down to my lab? I need your help with Euan.'

The Captain was sitting up, looking terrified. 'Oh shit oh shit oh shit I'm gonna DIE!'

'Who does he think he is now?' asked Ksenia.

Leila shrugged. 'Who knows? You're right, though. He's definitely unhinged. But what can I do to help?'

Ksenia sat down. 'I think the only way he's going to get back to normal is if I can remove the personal displacement from his mind. At the moment he seems to think he's various fictional characters, and this makes his life very confusing. Another problem is, if I don't get his mind back soon, he might lose it altogether. But I think I've perfected a technique called transference. All I need is a suitable host for the displacement. Now, I've been looking through the crew records, and I think the only suitable candidate is Commander Sigma.'

'Why?'

'Because she has sufficient existing neural unpredictability to obscure any additional hostile influences.'

'Ksenia! Perceptor's gone! Speak English!'

Ksenia sighed. 'She's nuts. Any more insanity in that funny-shaped head of hers, and it'll just drown.'

Leila looked expectant. 'Yes? So what do you want from me, parental consent?'

'No.' Ksenia looked uncomfortable. 'You see, this procedure can only take place when both parties are fully conscious, and if I don't get Euan back to normal soon, it's going to be too late. I need you...' She paused.

'Mmm?'

'I need to use your mental link with Ratbat.'

'Oh.'

Leila thought about it for a while. 'How can you be sure that it'll work?'

Ksenia sighed and rubbed a hand over her eyes. 'Do you know how extensive your Siamese Thinking is?'

'Well,' Leila shrugged. 'It's usually quite subtle. I'll be thinking of something and then Ratti will start thinking of it too, or vice versa. Like, once she was thinking about Bonnie Tyler, and I started singing Total Eclipse of the Heart for absolutely no reason. I don't know, what do you think?'

'I think it's got a good chance of working.[23] Let's get ready.'

The equipment was bulky, to say the least. Having designed them initially for experimentation on domestic pets, Ksenia hadn't had time to re-model the headsets, and they were quite uncomfortable.

'Will I still have control?' Leila asked, as Ksenia hooked up the wires.

'You should only be on a one-way channel to Euan, but opening up your mind fully to Ratbat might be a bit confusing in the end. Fortunately, you seem to have lived in each other's minds for the past four hundred years or so, so it's not going to be too great a shock. And if something does go hideously wrong, we can just cut your head off, and you'll be fine.' Ksenia paused. 'Sorry, my mind was wandering.'

Leila sighed. 'I don't know why I'm letting you do this,' she grumbled. 'It's not as if Euan's even a particularly good Captain.'

'Too late now. Let's go.'

Ksenia plugged in the final jack, and pressed the 'on' button.

Euan's eyes opened wide. 'The electronic cerebrectomy!' He began to whimper.

Leila lay back on the biobed, and breathed deeply. 'OK, Siggy, let's be having you.' Her eyes opened wide. 'Ooooh... 'eck!'

As Ksenia watched, the First Officer began to thrash around. 'Louise, get a restraining field on her,' she snapped.

Nothing seemed to be happening. Ksenia began to worriedly gnaw a fingernail.

'Ksenia...' the Counsellor's voice was strained, between gritted teeth. 'Are...you...sure...this...is...working?'

'Hold still!' Ksenia ordered.

'I'm trying...but this...hurts...like buggery!'

Euan opened his mouth and wailed like a foghorn.

'There! Fi, put him on the viewer!' Ksenia jumped out of her seat.

Euan's neural scan appeared. 'That's the one. We've done it, I think.' She turned back to her controls and pressed the 'off' switch.

Leila gave a sigh of relief. 'Thank Pterry for that!' She propped herself up on one elbow. 'How are you, Euie?'

The Captain looked mildly disoriented. 'I...what...you...' he paused. 'Do you by any chance have six fingers on your right hand?'

Leila stared. 'Of course not. Why do you ask?'

'Don't know.'

Ksenia laughed. 'OK, everyone, out of my lab.'

'So what exactly did the Quagaars want?' Euan asked.

The briefing room was practically empty. Ratbat and Ksenia were the only people with enough patience to explain everything simply enough that Euan could understand, but even their tolerance was beginning to get strained after two hours.

'We don't know exactly what they wanted, but it's pretty certain that whatever it was, they needed control of a Starfleet Captain to do it,' Ksenia explained. 'Possibly something to do with undermining the Federation.'

'But why would they want to undermine the Federation?' asked Euan plaintively.

'I don't bloody well know!' she bellowed. 'Stop asking such dumb questions!'

Ratbat chuckled. 'Anyway, Euie, your AR helmet is perfectly OK, now, and you can play all you want without any worries.'

Euan shuddered. 'No thanks. I'm going to put it away for a few years.'

Ksenia sighed. 'Since we've got all that sorted out now, why don't we get down to business. Captain, what exactly is our mission profile?'

Euan sat with his mouth open. 'What's a mission profile?'

'A type of condom,' Ratbat butted in, amusing as ever.

Euan blushed. 'I haven't got one! And I don't think it's very polite of you to mention it in public, Ksenia!'

Ksenia buried her face in her hands. 'I don't know...who made this loser Captain?'

Ratbat chuckled. 'I think what Ksenia wanted to know is what we have to do. Where are those sealed orders that Starfleet gave you?'

'What sealed orders? Oh, the sealed orders. I haven't opened them.'

'What? Why not?' asked the chiropteran.

'They're sealed!' Euan explained with a patient smile. 'I'm not supposed to open the sealed orders if they're sealed!'

Ratbat and Ksenia left him to it.

It was three days later when Admiral Mark Bishop rang up to inquire as to the whereabouts of the new Compromise.

'OK, smartarses. I've had enough of this. Has Graham taken the ship on a drunken joyride again? Why didn't you get to the rendezvous on Sarn?'

Euan, standing to attention, coughed uncomfortably and adjusted his uniform. 'Well, you know the sealed orders?'

'Yes?'

'Well...am I allowed to open them?'

That evening, there was a re-match of the Pictionary tournament in the Counsellor's quarters. She and Euan quickly reclaimed their title as the best combination, and sped to the end of the board.

'So Euie,' Leila asked casually as they watched the remaining two teams battle it out for second. 'What did the Admiral want?'

Euan looked uncomfortable. 'I was meant to open the sealed orders the minute we left Spacedock. As a result, and because of the Quagaar thingy, we missed an extremely vital confrontation with the Romulans, and the Federation had to do some fast talking to avoid war.'

Terri whistled. 'Whoooeeee! What did Mark do to you?'

Euan pouted. 'He cancelled my subscription to the Lego magazine.'

Leila sighed.

The game continued.

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