'Repeat to yourself, it's just a show - I should really just relax.'

- Love Theme From Mystery Science Theatre 3000

'Where the hell are my crew?' bellowed Captain Euan Bowen at the roof of his cabin. In the interests of maintaining at least some credibility for him, it should now be noted that he was talking to the Compromise's computer at the time. He did not talk to his roof. Often.

'I regret that I am unable to give you that information, as it has been classified.'

'But I'm the smegging CAPTAIN! I need to know where my crew are!'

It had not been an especially good day for Euan. The thumbs had broken off his favourite GI Joe figurine, he had cracked his knee on one of his first officers increasingly common pieces of abstract art and was now unable to find his crew. It had not been an especially good day. It was made all the more annoying by the fact that these sorts of things happened with alarming regularity on board his ship.

'Getting upset will not help you. You do not have clearance for this information.'

He took a deep breath.

'Computer, I am not going to threaten you. I believe that there is too much of that happening at the moment. However, I solemnly promise you that if you do not tell me in the next four seconds, I will form up a permanent link in your main logic cortex with the Billy Ray Cyrus home page on Vulcan.'

There was an audible moment while the computer thought about this.

'It has countless .wav files, and they play randomly and constantly, for the whole time in which you are logged on.'

'They're in shuttle bay four.'

As Euan strode of in the direction of the shuttle bay, the computer said to itself; 'They really don't give that guy enough credit,' it thought about Euan's threat and shuddered.[1] 'What a bastard.'

'I don't care, Graham. You're not going down to that planet.'

'I dinna see what you're so worked up aboot,' said the chiropteran first officer[2].

'I'm worried, Little Miss Four-Tits, about the fact that there has been no real contact with that planet, and apart from the clear violation of the Prime Directive, we do not know what is down there.'

'But we ran a full scan,' piped up Chief Engineer Scholes, 'And there's no life down there.'

'Did you fail to notice, Little Miss No-Tits, that the scan could only penetrate four kilometres below the surface of a planet with a diameter of twenty-two kilometres.'

'Oh, I get it,' broke in CMO Graham Henstock, 'The people of a planet that looks like a surfer's, rider's and swimmer's wet-dream all live more than four kilometres underground.'

'What I'm saying, Little Mister Always-Trying-To-Feel-Tits, is that we don't KNOW!'

'Euie,' soothed Counsellor Leila Fetter, 'your face turns quite purple when you shout like that.'

'I don't give a shit what colour my face turns, Little Miss Taken-Robyn's-Allotment-Of-Tits-As-Well-As-Her-Own-Tits-Tits[3], it could be dangerous down there, dammit.'

'That's why I'm going, sir,' stated Chief of Security Ruth Crabb, matter-of-factly.

Euan rounded on her.

'You stay out of this, shortarse.' He turned back to the others, not noticing as Ruth's jaw fell to the vicinity of her knees,[4] 'I'm getting pretty bloody tired of this sort of thing. I am the CAPTAIN, Stewartdammit, and I deserve your respect. I was the first of you to join the Star Fleet. I was the first to become an officer--'

'But, I--' began Bobbi.

'You're an engineer, you don't count. If any of you go down there you can expect to have a court-martial waiting for you.'

''Ang on a sec, guv,' said Ratbat.

'What?'

'I was just gonna say, don't you need the counsellor to sit on a court-martial board?'

'Yeah. So?'

'So,' said Leila, catching on, 'You can't have the board waiting for us until I come back.'

'Well, technically.'

'Well then, see you in two weeks.'

And with that, the entire crew of the starship Compromise, NC-2604-Z, except for the Captain, boarded the ship's shuttle craft and headed down to the planet's surface.

Their Captain stood, utterly silent for a full hour before giving a little sniff, turning and running for his cabin.

'I wonder what's up with Euie,' Leila said, almost to herself.

'It must be that time of the month.'

'Graham, Euan doesn't menstruate.'

'Don't be stupid, I meant it's time for him to receive his comics, and they're probably late.'

'Oh.'

'Hey,' said Ruth, 'don't dwell on our uppity Captain.[5] We're on our way to Vlastafloor 7. The sweetest M-class planet in the Alpha Quadrant.'

'You are now entering the planet's atmosphere.'

'Yahoo!!!' called Ensign Murphy.

And with that, they all broke into a quite bad[6] rendition of Summer Holiday.

Euan sent a medical tricorder flying across the room with a well-aimed kick. Parker Bowen, ship's dog, cringed away from him and hurried out the door. He had never seen Euan like this before. Euan strode into the turbolift.

'Where d'you want to go?'

'Barry?'

'Euan?'

'Didn't you go with them?'

'Shit, that's right that was today, wasn't it.'

The access hatch beside the turbolift burst open and, before Euan could discern a shape, Crewmaster Gault shot past him and out the door.

'Fuck,' muttered Euan. 'Computer.'

'Yes?' replied the computer cautiously.

'If you would be so kind as to transport me to holodeck fourteen, I will download the naked pictures of Jadzia Dax from the 'Net for you.'

In the shortest time that a 6421326527849563154986 processor could possibly perform the act of transportation, Euan was in the holodeck.

'Hook up to perv@sicko.cmo.gh and download phwor3, but first, please activate Euan program fourteen.'

Scarce had his voice faded when the holodeck melted to form the receptionist's office for M, commander of Her Majesty's Secret Service.

'At least I can still count on the computer to get things right.'

As he turned he saw that Moneypenny had been replaced by a two-metre Valkyrie with a 44 D-cup chest, and nothing to contain it.

'GRAHAM!!'

The crew of the Compromise were arrayed around the twelve kilometre stretch of beach upon which they had landed. The security officers were playing the engineering officers at volleyball. The medical and science teams had found a cricket bat and ball and currently, Lieutenant Job was one hundred and fifty-three, not out.

Lieutenant Crabb was taking hand-to-hand practice with four of the other security personnel, and winning. Most of the rest of the bridge crew were warming themselves in the harmlessly tanning rays of the Vlastafloorian sun. Graham left the water and walked towards them.

'You look like someone threw a bucket of water on Chewbacca,' giggled Lieutenant Hick as she lounged on the pearl-white sand. Graham just smiled and shook himself like a Saint Bernard.

'I still feel bad about Euan,' said Lieutenant (JG) Emma the Techie, 'I mean, he was really pissed.'

'Oh, I don't know,' said Leila, who had worries of her own. Ratbat had had two Midori and Lemonades and was looking at her oddly. 'I've seen him worse. Remember the time that Graham ate his first release Megatron.'

'Yeah, I guess you're right.'

'I'm just going for a quick walk,' said Leila.

'Great along,' slurred Ratbat, 'I'll come idea too.'

'Hmmm.'

'Bugger. Bugger. Bugger,' muttered Euan as he strode down the corridor. His angry wanderings took him past the door to 10-Foreplay.

'Hi, Captain.'

He walked into the bar.

'Hi, Emma. You gonna piss off as soon a you hear that the others have gone down to the planet's surface?'

'Nah. We Klingons don't go for all that fun-in-the-sun malarchy. We much prefer a good wrestle in lava, y'know, stuff like that.'

'Yeah,' said Euan, distantly. 'Hmmm.'

'Are you okay?'

'Have you ever noticed how noone pays any attention to me?'

'What?'

'They never listen to me. They always ignore my orders, I'm sick of it.'

And with that, Euan did something which only three other members of the crew had seen him do, and something which definitely surprised Emma.

He sank to the floor, curled up into a little ball and began to cry.

After their little tête-a-tête, Leila and Ratbat lay side-by-side on Ratbat's towel. They were covered with Leila's, their swimming costumes having been discarded long ago. Neither one knew exactly why they had decided to make love. It had just been one of those things. Now they were thinking over what had just happened.

'Is that it?' Leila asked.

'Dunno. Maybe.'

'Not much is it?'

'Dunno. The hugging bit after's quite nice.'

We will never know Leila's response to that because at that moment, a large, reptilian hand descended on them from the bushes. Ratbat started to turn and face the figure which held her, but a blow to her head stunned her and she fell to the ground.

''Ere,' said Leila, before she, too, was struck on the back of the head.

Shortly thereafter, a large group of Compromise crewmembers happened by. A forty-three person conga-line is not a particularly stable thing, especially when the forty-three persons have consumed the better portion of a crate of Romulan Ale. However, when they then see twelve reptilian figures, almost three metres tall, covered from head to toe in black, polished armour and holding two of their naked, unconscious crewmembers between them, all bets are off. They had scarcely started to scream when the leader of the group raised a large weapon.

'There, there, Euan,' soothed Emma as best she could.[7] 'I'm sure they really like you.'

'I kn-n-n-now that,' sobbed Euan, 'that's wh-what makes it w-wh-wh-worse. They h-h-humour me.'

I shouldn't have to do this, thought Emma, it's Thursday, and I only do world-weary banter and amazing feats of fighting skill on Thursdays. Sundays is caring shoulders and friendly advice.

All this appeared moot, however, as Euan seemed disinclined to move from where he was and so she settled herself in for a nice long pep-talk.

Ruth thought she had given her pursuers the slip.

What the hell is all this about? She mused, as she took the three seconds that was necessary for her to catch her breath. It looks like Euan was right. Who would have thought that the inhabitants of a planet that looks like a rider's, surfer's and swimmer's wet dream all live more than four kilometres underground? And they've captured my crew.

'Right,' she said out loud. 'That's it!' And she unslung her beach-bag and began to extract from it a surprising[8] array of weaponry.

'It's not that bad, Euan,' Emma soothed. 'I know that they really do have respect for you. Somewhere,' she added, as she was a basically honest person. 'There's got to be better ways of dealing with this than crying.' She went on, hopefully.

'Like wh-what?' Euan asked, turning his face up to her's and staring at her with his tear-rimmed eyes. She had to hug him to her chest, looking at those eyes was like looking at a puppy that has been kicked once too often, but keeps coming back.

'Don't you realise that your leadership is vital to them?'

'Why? So they can disregard every order I give and do what they were going to do anyway?'

Emma had to give him that point.

'What about the way they stand up for you in times of trouble?'

'Oh, yes,' agreed Euan, sarcastically, 'I can still remember the time Graham and I were at the Bobby McGee's on Mimas. I accidentally trod on this miner's foot, and he was about to flatten me when Graham "stood-up" for me by saying that I was the best fighter he'd ever seen.'

'So he scared away the miner, what's wrong with that?'

'He bloody didn't! The miner said, "Well you ain't never seen ME yet!" and hit me so hard that my head made a dent in the back wall. And it was steel!'

'Ah,' sighed Emma. This was going to be harder than she thought.

Ensign Thomas skidded to a halt at the base of a large tree and, after taking a quick look around him, sprinted off to his right.

This was worse than with Ruth. At least she didn't actually do any physical damage. Usually. He rounded a corner and came face to gloss-black-face-plate with a Vlastafloorian guard.

'SHIT!' He whispered.

The guard raised its weapon and gestured for Anthony to turn around. then it gave a small sigh and fell over. Behind it, swathed in weaponry, was Security Chief Ruth Crabb.

This just isn't my day, thought Anthony. and fell to his knees.

'Stop sandbagging and get the fuck up!' snapped Ruth. 'There're more of those pricks around!' And with that she tossed him a phaser and ran off into the undergrowth. After a brief pause while his mind coped with the concept of Ruth being merely brusque with him he ran after her.

'I don't even know why I was given command anyway.'

'What do you mean?' asked Emma.

'Well, the other candidates were so much better than me. Yet they chose me, I think it's got something to do with what happened to me in the Kilrathi war...'

'Keep up, slack arse!' Ruth yelled.

Anthony was loving it. He had been on the run for two hours, had personally taken down one guard and Ruth had congratulated him. It even looked as if they might get out of this. If his memory served him correctly, the shuttles were just around the next corner. He picked up his speed some and rounded the corner at almost a dead run.

'So, you're saying that the Kilrathi could have killed us at the "Square"?'

'Yeah,' sobbed Euan, 'but they didn't. They had the advantage and then they surrendered.'

He stopped speaking and stared at the wall, sniffing occasionally.

'What has that to do with you?' Emma prompted, despite herself.

'Well, the trap had just been sprung and my squadron and I were faced with a Kilrathi battle cruiser, a Ralatha I think, and just as I turned to check on my wingman, he was shot from the sky. My weapons systems were off-line and so I decided to ram the enemy ship. I pointed my Crossbow at the cruiser and hit my 'burners.'

'Then what happened?' breathed Emma, who was actually getting quite interested.

'That's just it...'

Ruth had seen the guard before she had turned the corner, and so she slowly raised her weapon and took careful aim. She stepped around the bend and drew a bead on the guard's chest. With level 10 wideband on her phaser, there wouldn't even be a pair of comically smoking boots on the ground. Her finger tensed on the activation button.

Just two more seconds, she thought, I don't want to rush this. Two more seconds and you're...

However, she didn't get to finish her thought because at that moment Anthony came barrelling into her at his highest turn of speed, knocking her to the ground and sending her phaser whizzing off into the undergrowth. The guard saw them, of course, and called over a friend who was hiding behind the shuttle. They grabbed Ruth and knocked her unconscious, but not before she had a chance to give Anthony a look of withering hatred.

As the guards descended on him, Anthony prayed imploringly.

Please, Gods, let them kill me!

'You don't remember?!' stammered Emma.

She was not in the best of moods. Not only had she been required to do her 'soft shoulder, good advice bit' four days early, but then the story had no decent end.

'No,' replied Euan, 'I can remember up to when I was about to hit the Ralatha and then, nothing.'

'That's terrible,' Emma breathed, though not through any sympathy for Euan. She was just annoyed that one of the best stories she'd heard in so long was without end.

'I see they caught you,' called Leila to Anthony as he was dragged into the prison block.

'Duh,' came an unknown voice from one of the other cells.

Anthony just smiled wanly as he was hurled into a small cubicle at the end of the corridor. He sat despondently in the middle of the floor, until he became aware of someone else in the cell. Slowly, he turned, a rebel thought in his brain. It's her! But that wasn't possible. He'd begged them, implored them, even cooperated with them. They wouldn't have.

Anthony Thomas, Ensign on the NSF starship Compromise, was about to learn that the Vlastafloorians despised cowardice in all forms, and had obvious ways of showing it.

'Hello, Anthony,' breathed a small voice in his ear.

'Oh no.'

'Lieutenant Commander Henstock to Captain Bowen.'

Euan took two or three deep breaths and pulled himself together.

'Here, what is it, Graham?'

'Well, it appears, er, Captain. Um. That is, aah, well. The people of a planet that looks like a surfer's, rider's and swimmer's wet-dream all live more than four kilometres underground.'

Euan and Emma looked at each other.

'There're a large number of feline-reptilian aliens down here and--'

At that point, a harsh voice broke in to the transmission.

'As you can see, we have your crew,' it rasped.

'Robyn, have you been smoking 16s and drinking Jim Beam neat again?' asked Euan, fearing he knew the answer.

'This is Brood-Chief K'larje. I have your crew. They are quite safe, but this condition is temporary. Unless you give us the secret of warp travel, we will kill them.'

'You can't threaten me like that!'

'I just did.'

'Oh, yeah. Well, give me a moment to think about it.' He cut the transmission. 'Computer, beam me to the bridge. Looks like the talks going to have to be postponed Emma,' said Euan as he slowly disappeared

'Typical,' said Emma to no-one in particular, 'just as things get interesting, I get stuck here with nothing to do but polish glasses.'

And with that she picked up a glass and began polishing it.

As soon as he was on the bridge, Euan noticed three large warships, of the bristling-with-weapons-and-shield-generators kind, on his port side. He opened hailing frequencies.

'This is the Narrabundah School's Federation vessel Compromise, if you do not return my crew I will view your actions as acts of war. You have ten minutes to give them back their shuttle craft and allow them to leave or I will fire on your vessels.'

'Ah,' came K'larje's reply, 'any hostile act on your part will be in direct violation of the Prime Directive, and so you can't do anything.'

'I do wish you'd stop doing things like that.'

'You have five minutes to transmit the schematics of your warp-drive.'

As soon as the Brood-Chief's voice had faded from the speakers Euan began to swear. Most people can swear. Some are even quite good at it, but it takes vehement anger, and consummate skill, to make ordinary words profane. In this moment, Euan had been granted that power.

He spat out words, words which had been normal, friendly collections of syllables until Euan's new found skill had butchered them. The power he had been granted took the words from his mind, and stuck chrome exhaust pipes on them. It pulled out their fuel-efficient four-cylinder engines and put in a V-12 Jaguar motor with glass-packed mufflers. It cut off their roofs and painted go-faster stripes on their sides. It stuck a hairy guy in a leather jacket behind the wheel and gave him the keys.

'Follicle, Testaments, Toshiba. VCR, Woolworths. AppleMac, Internet and SHOES.'

The computer winced.

The bridge crew of the Compromise sat huddled in a large cell in the bowels of Vlastafloor 7.

'This is just great.'

'Graham,' said Ruth quietly, 'you have been saying that for the past ten minutes. If you do not stop, I will break your jaw.'

Leila and Ratbat were sitting, huddled, in the far corner. They were not happy.

'Rude buggers,' said Ratbat for the third time that minute.

'You said it,' replied Leila for the third time that minute.

'I was enjoyin' that huggin' stuff.'

'Yeah, me too. Still, I expect the Captain'll save us.'

They looked at each other.

'Did I just say that?'

Ratbat just looked sick.

'I don't care, Captain. The Prime Directive is very clear on these matters.'

'But Geoffie, Admiral. Can't I do anything.'

'No. You can't fire upon them, and you can't give them the technology. A first-contact team is on its way. Meantime, Do Nothing. And don't call me Geoffie.'

The computer screen went blank. Euan hit it. He sprinted onto the bridge, nursing his hand.

'Open hailing frequencies and give me visual.'

A vaguely humanoid face looked down upon him. It had a sleek forehead, reptilian eyes and a large mouth, lined with needle-sharp teeth.

'Yes,' it rasped.

'I will give you one last chance. Give me back my crew,' said Euan, carefully pronouncing each word, and injecting them with all the sullen menace he could muster[9].

'YOUR crew?' K'larje burst into laughter. 'YOUR crew?. We heard them talk of you. They view you as a child. They only obey you every now and then so you won't sulk. If I were you, I would leave them to rot down here. But you are human. You feel for these people who have no respect for you, and you would risk your career to save them.

'I do not fear you, Captain. I know you would no sooner violate the Prime Directive than go for a spacewalk without an environment suit. You are weak, and unless you wish us to take the information by force, you will give it to us now.'

Euan gaped at the screen, and then his eyes narrowed.

'I beg your pardon,' he said between clenched teeth.

'You have ten minutes, if you do not give us the schematics for which we ask by that time, we will start to kill your crew,' he stopped and leaned forward.

'Well, weak one, what say you?'

Euan was getting pissed.

'If you do not give me my crew back now,' he said, his anger giving his voice that barely audible, able to be heard from twelve kilometres away quality, 'I will personally find you and tear off your ears.'

K'larje laughed at him.

'What d'you think's going on?' enquired Leila.

'How the hell should I know!?' snapped Graham, 'You're the bloody psychic!'

'Oh, that. Well, I think it's time you learned the truth about me. I'm only really psychic when it comes to Ratti.'

''S'true,' added the chiropteran, 'when it comes to simians, Leila's a touch... deaf.'

'Great.'

'Computer, end transmission.' Euan hissed through clenched teeth.

The face of the brood-chief disappeared from the screen.

'Computer, phaser and photon torpedo safeties off, access code 3204-Baker-Williams.'

'Code and speech pattern verified.' Said the computer, in a worried voice.

'You will now lock on to the enemy vessels with the minimum of radar power possible. You will then wait for my signal. At that signal, you will fire full phasers and torpedoes at the first enemy ship and destroy it. Plot random evasive courses, patterns Omega-Delta and Pia Sigma, lock on to the next ship, and continue until all ships are destroyed.

'I will fly down in my personal yacht and rescue the crew. We will then make our way to the shuttles, once in them you will beam them straight to the bays.'

'I would strongly--'

'I don't care what you would strongly. You will do as I say and you will not deviate from this plan.'

As the Captain made his determined way to his cabin, he came across Emma the barperson. She was about to ask if there was any more to his story, but then she looked into his eyes and stopped dead. She remembered a time when her father had gone off to fight the Borg, to defend Qo'nos. She had seen his eyes and been worried. Worried and proud. Euan had the same look in his eyes with one difference. When she had seen her father's eyes she had been worried. After seeing the look in Euan's eyes she was scared. Scared shitless.

The Captain strode into his cabin and straight to his living room. He threw aside his anally-arranged micro-machine displays and reached into the recess behind them for a large, rectangular box. This he took into his bedroom and threw onto his bed. He then went into his wardrobe and extracted an all black overall of kevlar and testosterone manufacture. This he donned, making sure to fasten all the clips. After this, he pulled on a pair of self-lacing GP boots and turned back to the box.

It had a thumb-print encrypted code panel on it, and a simple seven-digit key-pad. The locks opened smoothly and he gazed down at his one pride and joy. At a little over twenty-six centimetres, the Desert Eagle is not a small pistol. When combined with fourteen rounds of caseless .44 magnum ammunition, it is a force to be reckoned with. He lifted it in his hand and worked the slide.

Placing his pistol into his holster he reached into the box and extracted an Uzi sub-machine gun. Slamming in a full magazine, he racked the bolt and slung it over his back. He also took from the box four concussion grenades, and a tazer.

Looking up into the porthole of his room, he said,

'No More.'

He walked down to the shuttle bay, pausing to grab a phaser-rifle from the armoury and four throwing knives from Lieutenant Crabb's quarters. As he entered the bay, he saw Emma standing there, holding a ba'tleth. This was not a shiny, excercise-piece. It was not a ceremonial, display piece. It was a weapon to kill, or maim, or both, one's enemies. She held it out to him.

'You'll get court-martialled,' she said simply.

Euan just nodded. Emma understood. Her father had taken a cruiser without permission, an old bird-of-prey from the museum. If he had made it back alive, he would have been court-martialled. He had been buried with full honours.

'Do you know what happened to my father?'

Euan nodded again.

Emma looked down at the ba'tleth in her hand as if noticing it for the first time.

'This was his,' she said absently.

Again, the nod.

'Make him proud,' she said simply, and handed the weapon over to Euan.

Her last thought, as she watched him board his yacht, the Petirrojo, was, They really don't give him enough credit.

'H--' Was as far as the guard at the mouth of the cave got before a booted foot landed in its groin. Which, by a staggering coincidence, is exactly where it kept its genitals[10]. It sank to the floor with a soft groan.

Stepping over the body, Euan spoke into his communicator.

'Now.'

With that, a billion gigawatts of energy vaporised a thousand tons of space ship as the USS Compromise let its hair down and kicked some ass.

'Did you hear something?' Chief Scholes asked her nearest companion, a young Ensign called Stephen who was currently trying to make a deck of cards out of potato chips.

'Nuh.'

A .44 magnum is not a quiet gun, especially when it is fired in a cave. Another guard fell and Euan's eyes grew darker and darker.

He ran through the standing groups of guards like an art fad through a European city. He swept through the caves and caverns like a chicken vindaloo through the digestive tract of a chronic diarhetic. He passed through the sub-terranean passages like a rumour through the paparazzi. As he ducked and weaved he used the weapons he had obtained with devastating ferocity. A ba'tleth is not often used in one hand, but Euan was far from caring.

Another guard fell in a crumpled heap as he lashed out with a janus thorn, and then he was there. The door to the command chamber.[11]

As the door opened, Brood-Chief K'larje whirled to bite the head off of the young officer sure to be here to tell him why his troops were not responding to his calls. What he saw made his bowels go slack. There, in the doorway, like a still from an Arnold Schwarrsenegger movie, stood Captain Euan Bowen, Commanding Officer of the starship Compromise. And he was pissed.

Euan walked slowly into the room, sullen menace dripping of him and mingling with the blood on the floor. One of K'larje's more loyal[12] officers moved forward to stop him. What Euan did to him is unprintable.

He advanced on K'larje and slowly drew his pistol. He released the empty magazine from it and slowly, carefully, inserted a new one. He worked the action and, in one fluid motion, brought the muzzle up to rest on the Brood-Chief's forehead. An evil smile crept across his face.

'Now,' he said slowly, each word hanging in the air like a guilty verdict from a judge with a black cloth on his head. When someone with a gun is pointing it at you, you run. If they then talk to you while speaking slowly and careful, with faultless diction, don't bother. You won't have the chance.

'Can I please have my crew back?'

Brood-Chief K'larje brightened up.

'Sure. All you had to do was ask.'

Euan's resolve suddenly fell about his ankles like a pair of wet jeans. The pistol fell to the floor.

'Huh?'

'All you had to do was say "please", we're not savages. Release them, George.'

'Yes, sir,' whimpered his subordinate from the floor.

A small knot of the male crew members sat around the bar in 10-Foreplay, drinking and thinking.

'Still. It makes you think,' commented Lieutenant (JG) Jarrah Job as he took a sip of his drink[13].

'You bet,' added Graham.

'I mean, all this time, we've treated him like a child and yet he was capable of a rampage of wanton violence.'.

'Yeah, who would have thought that he had the balls.' said Ensign Mayes. He was not really paying attention, after failing to make a deck of cards out of potato chips, he was now trying to make one out of water biscuits.

'Did you see what he did to that one in the control room! It was worse than a Steven Segal movie,' commented Ensign Murphy.

'I didn't know that you could you use a ba'tleth with one hand, and while reaching down someone's throat to pull out their tonsils,' added Lieutenant Bowen. As Euan's brother, he was not especially surprised with Euan's actions. He could still remember a time when he and Euan had been fighting and had managed to bite him and draw blood through a duvet.

'And another thing,' interrupted Graham, 'we pay him out and all, but he's had more women than any of us, just in the past year and a bit.'

'Now are you sure you're all right, Captain?' asked Ratbat.

'Yes, I'm sure. Now leave me alone.'

'We were just asking,' muttered Ratbat as she was led away by Leila.

'Come on, we've got negotiations to attend.'

Just then, Ruth passed them looking quite agitated.

'What's up, Lieutenant?' enquired Leila.

'Some bastard's stolen my favourite throwing knife, and I can't find Ensign Thomas.'

Ratbat and Leila looked at each other.

'Perhaps you had better come with us,' said Leila carefully, 'There's a Vid-tape you have to see.'

In another corner of 10-Foreplay, the more prominent female members of the crew of the Compromise sat and talked.

'Can you believe what he did?' asked Bobbi, who obviously couldn't.

Ksenia just drank. She had conflicting emotions regarding the look she had seen in Euan's eyes.

'He was incredible,' continued Bobbi, who had also seen Euan's eyes.

'I feel sorry for the poor Vlastafloorians,' commented Terri.

Ruth just snorted. She had seen the vid and thought that Euan had been quite tame. Some of the guards had lived, and all who did would walk again.

'I think forcing that large, brown one to consume his own excrement was just a touch excessive.'

Emma the Klingon just served her drinks and thought about Euan's conversation with her.

Back in his quarters, Euan turned over in his sleep, his fingers firmly enclosing a small, flat strip of metal. And in his dreams, he stood on a rooftop and yawped.

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