'Repeat to yourself, it's just a show - I should really just relax.'

- Love Theme From Mystery Science Theatre 3000

A cream torsolette.

It was a simple satin affair with boning to give a smooth line and Broiderie Anglaise making little flowers along the bustline.

A pair of ivory stockings.

The stockings were clipped to the suspenders on the torsolette, and a cream lace garter was put around the left leg.

Then the dress.

The dress was a monument to everything that is ornate. The dressmakers had started with a simple cream satin underskirt, then added a diamante-studded bodice, a silk overskirt, lace overlay, stings of seed pearls, occasional silver filigree, and, wherever things looked a little boring, lace roses.

A pair of cream shoes.

Then the veil.

The veil was an extension of the dress, with more silk, pearls, lace and silver. It had little pink roses on the headband.

Silver earrings and necklace.

Colleen looked at herself in the mirror.

Yes.

The USS Compromise was in standing orbit around Llygefair. Instead of the usual jelly-fights, scrabble games and drinking contests, the ship was in a frenzied hurry. Everyone wore purposeful expressions as they rushed from place to place.

Terri and Leila, rushing around the same corner in opposite directions, collided. Purple satin dresses went everywhere.

Terri paused to take a deep breath. 'Oops.'

'I hope nothing nasty happened to these. You know how long it took her to decide the colour,' said Leila as she scrabbled the dresses into a bundle.

The two dashed off again.

Damien was making sure the champagne was all right, and had already fallen over six times.

Graham, in deference to the occasion, had put flowers on the manacles and chains in sickbay.

The M^cMillans were crocheting a huge string of bunting.

Ratbat had tried to dye her hair three times, and it was still brown. This is more than could be said for her towel, which looked like someone had had a miscarriage on it.

Ruth hadn't shot anyone for a week, she was so busy.

Colleen's wedding was approaching, and, such as could be expected when a member of the Compromise crew was getting married, everyone was going out of their way to make sure she went out in style.

Colleen stood in front of her full-length mirror. She had to admit, the armies of dressmakers, milliners, cobblers, weavers, jewellers, fitters and turners had done their jobs properly. The dress was absolutely perfect.

The door-chime gave a chirp.

'Hmm?' Colleen said absently, smoothing a wrinkle in her skirt.

Terri poked her head around the door. 'Hi, Col, I was just wondering where...' she trailed off. 'Wow. That is some dress!'

Colleen turned side on. 'Yes...yes, it turned out all right, didn't it?'

Terri came into the room. 'It's incredible. You're finally getting married! I can't believe it's happening!'

'You can't believe it's happening?' Colleen shook her head. 'You always did take everything that happened to me more seriously than I did, didn't you?' She gave an experimental twirl. 'I hope Ace likes it.'

Terri shrugged. 'It doesn't matter if he doesn't. Everyone knows that half the point of a real huge wedding splash is for the bride to show off her dress. It's got almost nothing to do with the groom. He may as well not even be there!'

Colleen said nothing, but raised an amused eyebrow.

'I mean...you know, I mean...' Terri waved an arm vaguely. 'Ah, stuff it.'

Colleen laughed. Then she sighed. 'Tel, I don't know...'

'What?' Terri was shocked. 'You're having cold feet now? Col, you've been engaged for nearly ten years! I'd have thought if you were going to have cold feet it would have been ages ago.' She shook her head. 'You're crazy.'

'No, it's not so much cold feet, you know, but...' Colleen paused again. 'Well, look, I mean you've done it.'

'Got married? I bloody haven't!' Terri retorted.

Colleen waved her hands in the air. 'No, I mean you've had a daughter and raised her and everything...I'm worried about that.'

'Kids?'

'No. Before that.'

'Ah.' Terri realised. It was difficult for her to understand why Colleen was saving herself for marriage, but then Terri herself had never set much store by marriage. She'd briefly considered it for Brooke's benefit, but decided that the 24th century should be liberal enough for her to have a child out of wedlock, not like back in the 1940s. This strange notion of Colleen's had always puzzled her. If you're definitely going to marry someone, she reasoned, and you know that you love him more than anything in the whole universe, what's wrong with sleeping with him?

Terri realised Colleen was staring at her. 'Oop. Sorry, miles away.'[1] She gave a grin. 'Col, you're going to have a wonderful time finding out exactly how much fun sex can be!'

Colleen winced. 'You talk about it as if it was like chocolate or something!'

'In a way, it is! It's nice in moderation, but too much of it makes you put on weight.'

'Um?' Colleen thought about it for a second. 'Oh. I see.'

'Do you want kids?' asked Terri, never being one to pussy-foot around an issue.

Colleen shrugged. 'I suppose.'

'What do you mean, you suppose? Either you do, or you don't! Don't go doing anything just because you think you should! Now, if Ace wants kids but you don't, don't let him bully you! And if you want them and he doesn't, he's a complete arsehole and you shouldn't be marrying him!' Terri stopped herself, as she realised she was glowering over Colleen and waving a threatening finger under her nose. 'Sorry.'

'What I meant was, I think I do want kids, but not right now.'

Terri sat down. 'Oh.'

Ratbat sat on Emma the Techie's bed. 'And now, for your appreciation and mine, we present Emma Jane Cole the Techie in the Dance of the Seven Veils - on roller skates!'

Emma glared at her. 'You what?'

Ratbat blinked. 'Sorry. Don't know what came over me.' She bounced a little, vaguely. 'Do you know, I'm quite excited about this wedding.'

Emma was picking at the sleeve of her uniform. 'Hmm?'

'I've never been a flower-girl before.'

'I've never been a bridesmaid before either,' Emma said. 'I don't see why you're so worked up about it.'

'I still don't know why Col didn't want me be a bridesmaid.' Ratbat pouted.

Emma gave an amused grin. 'You in a purple dress with high heels? I don't think!'

'I like purple!'

Emma shrugged, and wandered into the adjoining bathroom. 'Well, she asked you to be the flower-girl specially, so I don't think you ought to complain.' There was a lot of rustling and the occasional grunt of effort.

Ratbat picked at Emma's bedspread. Although she had in fact asked to be the flower-girl, she'd harboured a secret hope that Colleen would change her mind[2] and decide that the First Officer would make a wonderful third bridesmaid. She gave a sigh. Oh well, flower-girl it was.

Emma emerged from the bathroom wearing her dress. It was slightly less ornate than Colleen's nuptial[3] gown, but still bore evidence of careful work by skilled, dedicated, and slightly manic dressmakers. A miracle of purple satin, it fitted snugly over Emma's slightly skinny frame, flouncing out at the sleeves, and with the skirt supported by a framework of wire struts. Emma didn't want to know what would happen if she tried to sit down in it.

'What do you think?' she asked triumphantly, giving a twirl.

Ratbat moved slightly out of the way of the skirt, not knowing what damage it might do. 'That's a well wicked dress, Em!'

'Meaning?'

'I think it's cool.'

'Good.' Emma smiled. 'I don't think much of the shoes, though.' She waggled a foot. Colleen had selected rather gaudy satin-covered stilettos in the same purple as the dresses, decorated with swirls of pink sequins.

Ratbat chuckled. 'I think Leila for one might be forsaking them for something else.' She recalled the boots that Leila wore almost religiously. If it wasn't a beat-up pair of eight-hole Doc Martens, it was a pair of half-boots that a witch would have been proud of.

Emma grinned. 'Does this mean I can wear my boots too?' Emma's boots were fondly referred to on the ship as prostitute boots, or words to that effect.

'Don't see why not.'

Somewhere in the ceiling, the intercom beeped. 'Commander Sigma, Emma the Techie, where the smeg are you two?' asked Euan's rather harried voice.

'Here, Euie, what's wrong?' asked Emma sweetly.

'Get down to transporter room seven immediately! We have to beam our FCO on board.'

'What's an FCO?' Ratbat asked.

From somewhere else on the ship, Graham made a guess, which was greeted with stony silence.

'An FCO, thankyou very much Mister Henstock, is a First Contact Officer. Now, you two, get down to the Transporter room NOW!' Euan severed the connection with unnecessary vigour.

Emma began to put her uniform back on. 'I wonder why we need an FCO all of a sudden,' she said.

Commander Valentina Buj stepped off the transporter pad and surveyed the territory. The Commander who held out a slightly shaky hand to greet her was small and dark, and the Lieutenant working the controls was looking extremely scruffy.

'Hello,' Commander Buj said, not knowing what else to say.

'Hi. Why are you here?' asked the other Commander.

Val paused. 'Well,' she said hesitantly, 'I don't mean to sound rude, but that's a very personal question, and I don't know who you are.'

'I'm Commander Urac Daria Edward the Black Prince Harriet Tudor Maksymilian Pia Sigma, First Officer. That's Emma the Techie, Transporter Chief, and we'd rather like to know why Starfleet has chosen to give us an FCO when we havcen't needed one for the past year and a half,' Ratbat finished, gulping for air.

'Admiral Page is determined that you lot are going to have professional assistnce so we don't get another mess like with the Vlastifloorians,' Val said.

Ratbat and Emma looked embarrased. 'OK, good point,' said Ratbat.

Top Gun Anthem - Faltermeyer

At docking bay three, a different arrival was taking place. Ace was bringing his two-man shuttle, the Pyrocles, around in a neat curve, while chatting amiably to his companion and best man, Iain. The docking was faultless, as was Rob's style.

The two stepped into turbolift 6. 'I'd like to go to the quarters of Colleen Hick, please.' Ace said.

'Are you the fiancé, then?' the lift asked.

'Yes, I am, actually,' the said fiancé replied amiably. 'Who are you?'

'I'm just the poor sod who acts as a bloody taxi driver to everyone around here. Don't mind me!'

'We won't!' Iain repled with a laugh.

As Barry twiddled his joystick, he couldn't shake off the feeling that the second voice in turbolift six sounded familiar.

Catering Officer Lieutenant Mark Kettle was feeling not a little perplexed. He'd followed every instruction, but for some reason the thing just wasn't working.

'Kettle to Job,' he said, punching his badge.

'Yeah? What's up?' came Jarrah's voice.

'I've put the thing in the container, but nothing's happened. What's wrong with it?'

There was a staticky sigh. 'Did you remember to turn the oven on?'

Mark checked. He hadn't. 'Er. Right. No problem. Thanks!'

'How on Earth did you become a Catering Officer, Mark?' asked Leila, from the corner where she was licking the bowl. 'I mean, you cook worse than I do!'

Mark shrugged. 'I suppose they needed to give me a position, and Catering was the only places with any vacancies.'[4]

Leila grinned. 'Do you remember the last time you made a cake?'

'No,' he replied. 'When was it?'

'My one hundred and eighteenth birthday party. Remember? We were at Terri's house, and everyone came over, and then we went to that club.' She laughed. 'We got well dehydrated that night, didn't we!'

Mark grinned. 'Yeah. You know, I think it might be a better idea to let the replicators make Colleen's wedding cake.'

Leila shrugged. 'Let's just see how this one turns out before we start going for the synthetic stuff.'

Leila's badge gave a beep. 'Forde to Fetter,' Ksenia's rather panicked voice came. 'The band have cancelled! We need your help!'

'On my way.'

Help - The Beatles

Ksenia was in the lab surrounded by a huge pile of papers and with several Science Officers trying to calm her down. Leila walked in.

'Oh, there you are! Thank God. Now look, the Pinheads have a problem with their lead guitarist - he's out of town or something - and they can't find a replacement, so they've cancelled. The Monkees are busy on Risa and can't make it, I can't get hold of the Bajoran Tabernacle Choir, the Tokyo Kosei are on holiday, and no-one really takes the Hungry Bums seriously. What can we do??!?!'

Leila sat down and looked at the list of names and numbers. All of them had a cross through. 'Hmm...' she said. 'How important is this wedding to everyone?'

The unanimous conclusion was that the wedding was very, very important, probably the most important thing that had happened for years, and it was imperative that it went off without a hitch.

'You see, I've still got one alley that we haven't explored, but it's not going to be particularly pleasant for me, and I just want to make sure that everyone really, really wants it before I make any arrangements.'

The surrounding Science crew had their mouths open.

'Leila,' said Fi. 'If you can make this work, you'll be saving the whole wedding.'

'All right, then,' she said. From her pocket she took a very crumpled piece of paper with a Subspace number on it. 'Here goes.' She hesitated. 'Um, could you all leave me alone for a while? This is going to be tricky.'

The rest of the crew exchanged puzzled glances, but saw no reason to disturb her, and left.

Leila took a deep breath, and dialled.

Twenty minutes later, Ksenia was joined in the obs lounge, which Graham had set up for the buck's night,[5] by a rather worried looking Counsellor Fetter. She flopped down in a seat and rubbed her eyes.

'Well?' asked Ksenia.

'I've got a group. Jazz, blues, big-band style. Should be OK.'

Ksenia was still rather curious. 'What was wrong with calling them in the first place?'

'I don't want to talk about it.' Leila got up again and wandered off to the pub.

Captain Euan Bowen was finding his new First Contact Officer rather perplexing. He was under the impression that when he spoke to Valentina Buj, he was conversing with a mind much greater than his own.[6] Her assessment of his actions in the Vlastifloorian Incident, as she called it,[7] was quite odd. Apparently, barging into their headquarters with guns blazing and kicking several of them in the groin was not what Starfleet usually advised in these situations. Although she hadn't, as yet, come up with a way to remedy the diplomatic damage done by Euan's actions, she was quite convinced that the first thing to be done was for Euan to apologise sincerely and thoroughly.

Euan had flatly refused, and was now sulking in his room. Valentina was sitting in his chair on the bridge, trying it out for size.

Terri and Ruth were going through a huge list of names, working out who was coming, who had already arrived, who had cancelled at the last minute, and who would probably be unable to find the place due to being stupid. Fortunately, they were all right on the last one because, as Terri put it, Euan, Graham, and Chaedy were already on the ship.

'I don't think even that lot can get lost between the Transporter Room and the Chapel,' she said.

'Speaking of the Chapel,' said Ruth. 'Who's going to be the priest?'

Terri winced. 'They're not having an actual priest. Some guy from that Cyber-thing place. I forget his name.'

'He can't be that important, then.' Ruth idly flicked a button on the nearby console. 'What the..?' She started reading.

Terri fidgeted and looked away.

'WHO did this?' asked Ruth in her most dangerous voice.

Terri jumped up. 'Oh, dear, look at the time, must dash! Ever so much to do!' She galloped out.

Val peered at the fuming security chief. 'What's wrong?'

'LOOK at THIS!!' Ruth bellowed.

Val looked. 'Yes?' she said politely.

'It's a bloody BOOK on who's going to catch the wedding bouquet!!!' she shouted.

'And..??' Val was patient.

'AND THEY'VE GOT ME AT SEVENTY TO ONE AGAINST!!!!'

Val took a step backwards. 'Well, I know that's not very nice, but...'

'But?' Ruth's hand began to move toward her phaser.

Val reconsidered her options. 'Um.' All the Diplomatic Tact training started to come back to her. 'Nothing.' She made a hasty departure.

Top Gun Anthem - Faltermeyer

Ace and Iain were in 10-Foreplay having a quiet beer together. Like a lot of heroes, Ace wasn't really that keen on lager, preferring dry martinis,[8] but Iain enjoyed it, so they often had the odd seven or eight pints together. Ace maintained that it was important to keep good relations with people, and it didn't help to criticise their drinking habits.

'So, Ace,' said Iain, putting down his glass. 'What's the plan for the next few days?'

Ace knocked back his sixth pint. 'Well, tomorrow we have to have a rehearsal of the wedding. I think it's just to make sure everyone knows when to stand up and sit down during the service, to be honset, but it's a good idea all the same. Then we have a day to recover and make the final preparations, and the wedding itself is on Thursday.'

Iain smiled. 'Wow. My old mate Ace, finally about to tie the knot!' He punched the lucky man on the arm. 'It's going to be lonely without you.'

'Nonsense!' laughed Ace, punching Iain back, and knocking him off his seat. 'I'm still the same guy I always was, just with a beautiful woman to come home to.'

'Nice one, Ace me old mate! Get us another beer!' As Ace got up to go to the bar, Iain got back on his chair and sighed. 'What a guy!'

Ratbat had managed, with some persuasion, to prise Euan out of his room and the pair had gone off to shuttlebay one, where they were meeting the celebrant for the wedding. No one questioned that they were the two most appropriate people to do it.

The shuttle, shining white against the dark sky, soared around, making a graceful arc and coming to a rest with its nose a metre away from the pair, who were jumping up and down with glee. A hatch opened. A figure stood in the doorway, bulky and formidable.

'Hello,' the celebrant said. 'Rodimus says he's sorry he can't make it, but he's opening the Olympics.'

Ratbat and Euan were staring, open mouthed. Then, as one, they screamed out, 'OPTIMUS!!!'

Optimus Prime stepped down into the bay. 'Thanks for the ride, Sky Lynx. See you back on Cybertron in a few weeks.'

The shuttle waved a wing. 'Toodle-oo, Prime old bean!' It flew off into the dark sky.

'OooohPrimehowcoolitistoseeyou!!!' Ratbat garbled.[9]

Optimus gently patted her on the head. She took a deep breath and decided to speak normally from now on. And also to never wash her hair again.[10]

'It's good you've arrived, Prime,' said Euan, shaking hands with the huge robot. 'We need to rehearse the Wedding tomorrow.'

Optimus pulled a book out of subspace. 'I've been reading up about how to marry people,' he said as they walked toward the lift. 'I understand it all except this bit here.' His huge metal digit traced a particular line. 'You may now kiss the bride. Why was he not allowed to kiss her before? Is there a rule about it?'

Ratbat giggled. 'Errumm. Yeh. Hee hee.'

Euan frowned. 'Don't confuse Prime, Ratti. Let's go and have a beer.'

The three wandered out.

Chapel of Love - Elton John

Llygefair was a beautiful planet. The various patries that were involved in the wedding beamed down in a green field, bisected by a chuckling stream. Willow trees trailed their long, elegant fingers in the water. In the top branches of one tree, a kingfisher had a nest, and could be seen poking her head out and wondering what all these two-legged things were after. Obviously they weren't trees - they moved around too much. Maybe they were a new sort of moving tree? And then, being a bird, she lost interest.

Emma, Terri and Leila had formed a little trio and were going over the bridesmaids' march. At least, that was the idea.

'I don't like this grass,' complained Leila.

'I think the heels of the shoes are going to sink in,' Emma said.

Terri nodded. 'I think we'd better get some lino or carpet or something put down. Otherwise it's going to be embarrassing.'

'Yeah,' said Leila. 'It's not exactly going to be the most dignified of processions if everyone's having to pick their heels out of the ground.'

A cry went up. The bride and groom had finally arrived and were approaching, arm in arm, looking hideously happy. The best man wandered a bit to the side.

'Right!' bellowed Euan. 'This is Optimus Prime, he's going to be the celebrant, and he will stand over here. Um, there's going to be a big marquee set up, so it's OK if it rains, but that doesn't happen till tomorrow. Now, Colleen, Ace, you start off over there,' he pointed to where a peg was stuck in the ground as a marker. 'And then you walk down here, while the band plays a march and the bridesmaids walk behind a bit. Um. I think. Is that right?' He looked appealingly at the trio of bridesmaids.

'No, Euan, we go in front. And shouldn't Colleen's Dad be giving her away?' said Terri.

Euan deflated. 'I don't know!' He turned and buried his head in Bobbi's shoulder.

Colleen moved to where everyone could see her. 'What happens is this. I walk up here with the highest ranking officer around. That's Euan. When we get to here,' she put a stick on the ground. 'The band stops playing and I meet with Ace,' she gave her fiancé a doughy smile. 'Then Euan goes off that way. Iain, you'll be standing here, with the rings. Have you got them? Good. The bridesmaids stand here, here and here. Now, Prime, what service are you using?'

Prime, like everyone else, was staring at Colleen in utter amazement. None of the assembled party had ever heard Colleen speak more than two sentences at a time.

'Ummm...' The Autobot fumbled with his book. 'It says here "Standard Marriage Service #4885". Does that mean anything?'

Colleen nodded. 'OK. We really should go through this properly. Leila, where's that band?'

Leila looked uncomfortable. 'It... um.' She put her hands behind her back. 'They'll be here soon.'

'OK, well we can manage without them for a while, I suppose. Now, let's take it from the top. Euan?'

Euan, who'd been enjoying relaxing on Bobbi's shoulder, jumped. 'Unk? Oh, OK.'

'Over here, please. Um, Emma, can you hum a wedding march? We should at least get this all stepped out properly.'

At this point, Colleen broke off because a large group of people in black and white jackets materialised not far from her.

'Ah. This would be the band, would it?' she asked.

Leila had gone bright red. 'Er. Yes. Um. I...' she stuttered. 'Yeah...'

The rest of the crew watched with interest as she went over to a tall thin man with glasses who seemed to be in charge. As she began a conversation with him, the best man and the turbolift operator, who had been eyeing each other for the past ten minutes, sidled out of the group.

'Nice day for it,' said Iain.

'Umm,' Barry agreed.

There was a pause.

'Been up to much interesting stuff?'

Barry shrugged. 'It's a living. You?'

'Mm.' He also gave a non-commital shrug.

'I suppose you keep yourself occupied.'

Iain scuffed a toe in the dirt. 'Mum says you haven't written for a while.'

'Well,' Barry looked away, embarrased. 'You know...busy, busy, busy.'

'Mm.'

The two brothers watched an animated discussion going on between Leila and the person in charge of the band.

'Will you be round for Christmas dinner?' asked Barry, breaking the silence.

Iain shrugged. 'I suppose. I'm busy too, you know.'

'Mm.'

Jaws - John Williams

Leila had walked over to the tall man with an ever-incresing feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach. For five years she'd managed to avoid this moment through fast talking, lying, a very good excuse note from a science lecturer, and getting beamed out of a situation when it appeared too risky. But now, it had finally come.

'Errm-herrrmm,' she coughed.

The eyes behind the glasses focused on her. 'Ah. Junior Ensign Leila Fetter, isn't it?'

'Ahh...' Leila licked her lips. This was going to be tricky.

'Oh, sorry, I see you're a Lieutenant Commander now.' The eyes glared. 'So...do you have an excuse this time?'

'Not as such, Geoff, but if you'd just let me explain...'

'I knew you'd never make it as a musician. You don't have the dedication, the persistance, or the bloody-mindedness. I'm still wating for that instrument back, you know.'

She looked miserable. 'Yes sir.'

'Do you have it?'

'No sir.'

'Where is it?'

'I sold it, sir.'

'You what?' His eyes widened. 'You sold it? Who to?'

Leila looked steadfastly at the ground. 'To a Ferengi, sir. For a drink.'

Geoff's eyes softened. 'Was it a good one?'

She looked up in surprise. 'Yes...it was a Flat-lipped Long Straight Up and Down Yoyo Pop with Walrusine Flakes on top. I couldn't walk for a week.'

He clapped her on the back. 'Aah!' He turned to the rest of the group. 'She's one of us, all right!' The crowd gave a cheer. 'OK, Leila, the charges of evading music fees and stealing a Starfleet instrument are hereby formally dropped. On one condition,' He waved an admonitory finger under her nose.

'What condition? Name it!' she said, unable to believe it.

'If you take us all to the pub after the gig.'

Leila laughed. 'No problem!' She turned to the Compromise crew. 'Guys, I would like to introduce you all to Geoff Grayson and the Canberra Musicians' Wind Ensemble!'

The crew gave a round of applause.

'Now, let's get on with this rehearsal,' said Colleen.

Jurassic Park - John Williams

It was now six hours later.

The three bridesmaids had decided to get together with the flowergirl and best man and go to the movies. Terri and Iain had been friends a long time ago[11] and wanted to do some catching up, and everyone else was simply feeling bored.

The film was Jurassic Park, a rather cute flick from the 20th Century with some fanciful ideas about evolution and DNA-coding. Even though Leila and Ratbat spent a large amount of the time picking on various aspects of the film, as was their wont, they had to admit that, technically, it was excellent. As one American actress had once said, 'In Jurassic Park you can't tell where the computer animation ends and the real live dinosaurs begin!'[12]

Leila watched the film in a state of mild bemusement. After the wedding rehearsal, she'd taken the band to 10-Foreplay, as promised, and had rediscovered some old friendships. Playing in the Canberra Musicians, a high-profile branch of the Starfleet Marine Corps Band, had always been a favourite of hers, but after the nasty incident with an instrument going missing, Leila had quickly left town and become a singer. Now she'd just spent two hours doing Moggedon slammers with the saxophone section, and was feeling not a little perplexed, as well as rather sick. These people were actually more convivial toward a renegade ex-member than to one who'd sat in the back row for five years playing second euphonium. Musicians are strange people, she reflected, and it's safer to be the soloist in front of them than the poor sod who has to play back-up all the time.

She sighed, and fell asleep on Ratbat's shoulder.

In a distant planet on the edge of the Keiyuri system, it was early morning; one of those clear, chilly mornings where the sun seems afraid to come over the horizon in case something nasty happens to it.

Jan wandered down the street, huffing on his hands occasionally. He always liked that part of the morning when it was just him and some birds. Besides, it was Sunday, and he liked being able to wake Sophie up with fresh Bagels on Sundays.

He stood outside the Bakery. Inside, he could just see Mr Brumby yawning and opening up the cash register. It wouldn't be long now.

A sudden hush in the early morning birdsong caused him to look around.

Oh no. Not here. Not now.

He turned and began to run.

Arcing over the horizon, laughing like maniacal hyenas, came the massed hoardes of the Cacodemons.

Nothing on the planet could stand in their way.

Evergreen - Barbara Streisand

Ace and Colleen walked, arm in arm, through the arboretum. Even on a starship, there was peace and beauty, and they savoured it as they wandered through the greenery.

'This is pleasant, isn't it?' said Ace.

'Ummm..' Colleen agreed. She sighed. 'Not long now, is it.'

Ace patted her hand. 'You aren't having second thoughts, are you?'

'No,' she gave a grin. 'No, I'm just thinking. Soon we'll be married.'

'Yes.' He looked anxiously at her face. 'Is that what you want?'

She appeared to reach a decision. 'Yes.' She smiled at him. 'Yes, it is. It's all I've ever wanted.'

He smiled back at her. 'Me too.'

Colleen gave a brave grin. 'I've been waiting for this for so long, and now...well, now I don't have to wait anymore. I love you.'

'I love you too.'

They kissed tenderly.

Leila stood by the transporter. It seemed, she reflected, that life seemed to consist entirely of comings and goings, while very little actually stayed still. In fact, so profound was this feeling, she was considering writing a philosophical treatise on the impermanancy of everything and the bleakness of existence. However, this nihilistic attitude was at odds with her usually optimistic nature, and she decided, on the whole, that maybe it would be better to look forward to things.

Emma the Techie slid her fingers across the console, and a Starfleet Admiral materialised.

'Hello, Anni!' Leila said.

'Hi, darling, how is everything?' Admiral Marianne Crosby beamed at her.

Leila grinned back and hugged her superior. 'We're all going really good. It's nice of you to show up like this, 'cos it means you can give Colleen away at the wedding!'

Marianne was taken aback. 'You mean...when??!'

'It's tomorrow. Didn't you know?'

'I had no idea! She's finally getting married? What does Ace think?'

'I don't know, he seems quite keen on the idea...'

The two left the transporter room.

Ratbat was quite pleased that Marianne had arrived. Somehow, the idea of Euan giving away a bride gave her a profoundly uncomfortable feeling, probably because of Euan's normal attitude to love.[13] Marianne was much more appropriate, having been a pseudo-mother/martinet figure to the crew since the twentieth century.

Ratbat was also quite fond of Marianne on a more personal basis, and they were currently in the bar together drinking cider.

Leila had gone for a chat with a trombonist, whom she'd been quite friendly with at one stage. As she said, anyone who can go through life being called a bone-blower and still hold his head up in public has got to have a pretty impressive character.

The ship was in a suppressed state of excitement.

Adagio - Albanoni

The ground was torn and broken by the hideous firepower that had raked across it. Jan hid in a crater and wished, for the three-hundredth time that day, that he'd never left Beta Centauri. This whole planet would soon be nothing but a smoking hole in space.

He lay back in the mud. The Cacodemons seemed to have moved off for the moment, but he knew that they could return, suddenly and violently. The hideous laughter as they slaughtered thousands of unknowing people made it only more horrifying.

He rolled over. There was one slim hope. The subspace communication centre was not far away, in an underground bunker. If the centre hadn't been destroyed, he could try to get a message out to Starfleet, which could, maybe, save the rest of the planet.

Jan crawled out of the crater. There wasn't a living soul in sight; the entire settlement had been razed to the ground. Only the wind acknowledged him, whistling around the desolation. He bit his lip and drew himself up. Sophie would have been proud, he thought, then laughed at the irony that, at the last, he hadn't been there and died with her, he had cowered in a sewer. He shook his head and resolutely set his shoulders against the wind, which howled around him with all the voices of the dead. This was one task he couldn't shirk.

He took his bearings and began to run.

That night there was a celebratory last-night-of-spinster/bachelorhood dinner in the officers' club. Well, they called it the officers' club, it was really just part of 10-Foreplay cordoned off from the rest of the bar. There were many toasts and speeches, most to the effect of 'it's been jolly nice knowing you, have a nice life,'. Colleen and Ace, as the recipients of most of these speeches, sat at the head of the table looking a tad confused.

Ratbat stood up unsteadily and raised her glass. 'I just want to say that Col, you're one of my best friends, you know, like, and because you really want, see, and Ace's just this guy, and he's cool, you know, I think nothing's right, but you know, see, so I'll...' She paused and looked at the glass. It had been full of something, she remembered hazily, something...blue....

Everyone watched as Ratbat gently folded up and slid under the table.

'That's her down,' said Bobbi.

There was a beep from somewhere. 'Commander Ace,' came Lieutenant Leyk's voice. 'Subspace communique for you from Admiral Bowen.'

Ace got up. 'Thanks, put it through to my room.' He kissed Colleen on the cheek. 'I'll be back.'

She patted his hand.

Ace strode into his quarters. The monitor bore Admiral Len 'Bullshit' Bowen's[14] normally cheerful image, looking quite sober. He nodded as the prospective groom saluted. 'Admiral Bowen, sir. What can I do for you?'

'Look, Ace,' he said. 'You know I wouldn't ask you to do this unless it was really necessary.'

'Do what?'

The Admiral sighed. 'There's been some trouble in the Keiyuri system. One of the planets has been attacked by the Cacodemons. We picked up a distress call not long ago from a survivor. He says that his settlement was attacked early this morning, got most people in their beds. It seems they struck in one particular place and are working their way around the planet, destroying everything in sight. You know that the Cacodemons commit systematic genocide on any planet they plan to settle; well they're doing it on Manetho right now.'

'Good God, what monstrosity!' Ace boiled.

Admiral Bowen nodded. 'I know, Ace, I know. That's why we called you. Fleet Admiral Page says you've had experience with Cacodemons before.'

'Yes, I was in the first response team to actually defeat them. Do you need me to give some advice on the situation to your troops?'

The Admiral sighed. 'Ace, son, I really hate to do this, especially the night before your wedding, but...'

'But?'

'We need you to go personally. You're the only one with the necessary expertise. If we send in any of our other squads, they'll likely be wiped out. If there was anyone else I could send I would, please believe me.' The Admiral looked unhappy. 'The lives of millions depend on you, Ace.'

Ace pulled himself up proudly. 'I'm a special agent in Starfleet, Len. It's my job to help. Just let me sort things out here, and I'm your man.'

'You're a true hero, Ace. We'll expect you at Starbase 188 within the hour. Starfleet Command out.'

Ace stared out of the window for a minute, then turned and began to pack.

Iain, having got bored with the speech-making, wandered away from the dinner and went in search of the groom. Ace was eventually unearthed in his quarters, putting the last of his posessions into his haversack.

''Ello! Where are you going? Not thinking of eloping at the last minute, are you?' asked Iain cheerfully. The smile melted off his face at the sight of Ace's tortured expression.

'Iain, old chum, please come in and shut the door,' he said. 'I've got some terrible news.'

'What is it?'

Ace looked away. 'I have to leave.'

Colleen finished responding to the last of the speeches, and looked around for her fiancé. He'd been gone for the best part of an hour, and she was beginning to feel a little nervous.

Excusing herself from the table, she made her way to his quarters. There was no response to the door chime. 'Ace!' she called. 'Are you all right?'

No answer.

'Computer, override lock - Hick, Lieutenant Colleen McKenzie, clearance code dentist 0816 Yankee umbrella.'

The door slid open. She poked her head in. 'Ace! Coo-ee!'

The room was empty. All of Ace's possessions had been removed.

A feeling of cold dread began to grow in the bottom of her stomach. 'Computer, location of Commander Ace?'

'Commander Ace is in Docking Bay three,' the computer replied.

Colleen turned pale. 'Oh my...' She turned and raced out the door.

In docking bay three, the Pyrocles slowly rose from its dock and sailed toward the doors. Colleen dashed in, breathless. 'ACE!!!' she hollered.

The ship flew into the darkness of open space, and was gone.

She stared after it. A lone tear trickled down her nose. 'Fuck.'

Band of Gold - Bonnie Tyler

Most of the dinner guests were too preoccupied with the dance display Bobbi and Euan and Graham were performing (ad lib) to notice the prospective bride wander dejectedly back to her seat and bury her face in her hands. She sat quite still, on guard for any unwanted attention.

God, she thought. How am I going to get out of this one? They'll all find out eventually, but... to be dumped on the night before the wedding... the shame... What'll I do...?

Terri patted her on the back. 'All right, sweetie?'

Colleen jerked upright. 'Yes, fine.'

Terri had seen Colleen hiding things before, usually the reason she'd forgotten to pay the phone bill, and knew never to believe it. 'What's wrong?'

Colleen's tortured expression spoke more than words.

'Come on,' said Terri. 'Let's get out of here.'

They walked into the corridor. 'OK, what's happened?' Terri always got straight to the point.

Colleen burst into tears.

'Geeeh...what the hell is wrong? Is there something wrong with Ace?' Terri had never seen Colleen so upset about anything.

If anything, the sobs got worse. Terri fumbled in her pockets for a hanky. 'Hey, calm down, OK?'

A nasty thought crossed her mind. 'Oh dear, she said. 'Has he left?'

Colleen nodded.

'Well that's just a reason why you should go and have a fling!' said Terri. 'Do your ego some good and go off and find some gorgeous young hunk and bonk him senseless.'

The pair were in the saucer section of the ship, going back to Colleen's quarters. 'Tel, I don't think that's such a good idea.'

After her initial emotional explosion, Colleen had calmed down sufficiently to argue with Terri's blatantly sordid suggestions. 'What's wrong with it? Do you good! You're a young, gorgeous woman with a brilliant career...'

Colleen was wearing her cynical expression. 'I beg your pardon, I'm three hundred and ninety seven years old!'

'So what? I'm four hundred and ninety seven and still going strong! Look, if he got scared at the last minute, OK, that's not nice, but why should you let it ruin your life like that? Be strong! Be independent!'

Colleen gave a snort and opened the door to her quarters, then stood stock still.

On her pillow was a single red rose and an envelope.

'Oh, Tel...' she breathed. She picked up the envelope. 'It's from Ace...'

Terri sighed. Once again, her remedy for anyone's sorrows hadn't been taken seriously. Colleen read the note, then put it on the pillow again, a gentle smile on her face.

Terri picked it up. Colleen, my love, she read.

There's been an attack of Cacodemons in the Keiyuri system. I have to go or millions of innocent people will die. I'm terribly sorry about the wedding, please don't desert me. When I've finished ridding the universe of evil, I'll come back and then we'll never be apart. Until then, remember I love you.

All the best, Ace.

Terri sighed. Despite her protestations, she couldn't help feeling a just little bit jealous. A really soppy romantic letter does wonders for the human soul.

Colleen looked wistfully out the window. 'Well,' she said. 'Now at least I know he loves me. And he will come back, won't he Tel?'

Terri thought hard about this. 'You know, Col,' she said slowly. 'I think he will.'

Colleen smiled. 'What a guy.'

On a distant planet in a far-away system, a lone fighter pilot crested the horizon and fired at the last group of Cacodemons.

The Engineering crew sat around a table. It was Friday night, therefore it was Five-Hundred night.

Chaedy looked at her hand. 'I bid...six clubs. I reckon she ought to dump him.'

'You always do, Chaedy,' Andrea butted in. 'Six diamonds.'

'Exactly,' said Karen. 'If he still wants to go through with it, what's the problem? And she seems happy enough without him.'

'Are you going to bid, or what?' said Chaedy nastily.

'Sorry, six hearts.'

'What? I bid clubs, you idiot!'

'I KNOW you bid clubs but I don't HAVE any clubs so I'm bidding HEARTS!!!!' Karen snapped.

Chaedy glared at her.

Andrea sniggered. 'OK, what's your bid?' she asked her partner.

All eyes turned to the fourth member of the circle.

He looked at his cards.

'Well?' asked Chaedy.

'I forget...' began Optimus. 'Are the ones worth more or less than the kingy queeny ones?'

And the Compromise sailed onward.

In transporter room seven, Leila was bidding the Canberra Musicians farewell. After spending five years systematically avoiding any contact with them, she was feeling a little sad at saying goodbye again so soon.

'Well,' said the band's manager, a little balding man with glasses. 'We'll be off now. See you again soon, I hope!'

Leila smiled. 'I hope so too, John. Now guys, are you sure you've got everything?'

A murmur of agreement rose from the group.

'OK, I'll try and get some leave to do that gig on Rigel VII. In the meantime, be hideously successful!'

She waved. Emma activated the console, and they were gone.

'So,' said Emma. 'Now that the wedding's postponed, we might be able to persuade Colleen to let the bridesmaids wear boots!'

Leila winced. 'I'm sick of this wedding.'

Colleen sat under a tree in the arboretum. It hadn't been long, she reflected, but the time she and Rob had spent together had been some of the happiest days of her life. At the end of the day, was it better to be married and having fights the whole time, or engaged to a hero who was a long way off whom you'd never fight with? She decided that probably, the way she had it was the best. No frills, no fights, just simple, honest love.

Ratbat strolled in. 'Eh up, Col,' she said. 'How's it going?'

Colleen shrugged, then smiled. 'I'm OK.'

The first officer plonked herself down. 'Bit of a pain about the wedding, isn't it? I mean, after all the planning you did.'

Colleen shrugged again. 'We can always do it again.'

'Mmm.'

The two sat in silence for a while. Ratbat gave Colleen a playful pat.

'Well, lovie. Looks like you might be the last of the Compromise Virgins for a while longer!'

Colleen said nothing, but smiled a secretive smile.

'What the..?' said Ratbat. 'You... Oh, Col, you didn't!!'

Colleen's grin grew wider.

'WHEN?!?'

Colleen burst out laughing. 'Oh, Ratti, I'm so happy!' She hugged the bemused chiropteran.

'Bloody hell, Colleen!' Ratbat started to laugh as well.

'Still,' Colleen added reflectively. 'I think I might leave it for a while before I mention this wedding again. People might talk.'

'People will talk anyway, Col, it's what they're like.'

And the Compromise sailed onward.

On a far away planet, a young hero dug through a layer of building rubble, and helped a muddy, bruised but alive young woman out of the crater.

'Oh, thank you! I didn't know how I was going to get out of there!'

Ace brushed the rain-streaked hair out of his face. 'You're lucky to be alive, young lady. Just about everyone else from around here didn't make it.'

The woman's face fell. 'Almost everyone..? Then...' She turned away.

'Did you have anyone you wanted in particular?' he asked gently.

Her faltering voice came out. 'My...fiancé...'

Ace put a protective arm around her shoulders. 'It's hard, I know.'

There was a shout. A mud-encrusted figure staggered towards them, waving. 'Sophie!!' the voice came loud and clear.

'Jan!!' she hollered.

Ace released her, and watched the two run to each other's arms. He smiled a wistful smile, and began to walk away.

'But...but...but... I thought you were dead!' Jan crushed her to his chest.

Sophie held him tight. 'But Jan,'

'Yes?'

'Who was that man?'

They both turned and watched the retreating figure.

'I think,' said Jan slowly. 'I think he was just another hero.'

She sighed. 'What a guy.'

And still the Compromise sailed onward. You just can't get rid of some things.

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