'Repeat to yourself, it's just a show - I should really just relax.'

- Love Theme From Mystery Science Theatre 3000

Star Trek: The Last Generation created by Leila Fetter & Urac Daria Sigma

With apologies to the late Great Bird of the Galaxy, Gene Roddenberry

'I don't enjoy it any more than you do,' said Graham. 'But you're long overdue for your medical.'

'I'm sure you don't do it properly,' returned Bobbi.

Graham tried to look hurt. 'Look - I don't have tinea, so what's the problem?' He experimentally tapped Bobbi's knee with a small hammer and it broke.[1]

'Can't you get one of your nurses to do it?'

He lowered an eyebrow. 'I'm shocked at you, Robyn. This is twenty-three seventy-five. You should have a completely and totally un-sexist attitude.'

'It's not a question of gender, Torgo! It's a question of you being crap and them not!'

He made a face, then hit her on the head with half of the hammer. 'Anyway,' he said sulkily. 'It doesn't matter - I'm finished.'

'Good.' Bobbi slid off the biobed. 'Then I'm going back to engineering.'

'Hey, hang on! I've still got to give you the results.'

Bobbi started towards the door, not even looking at him. 'Don't tell me,' she said. 'I'm in perfect health, right?'

Graham frowned, then looked at the screen on the wall. 'Yeah,' he conceded.

'Fine. I told you.' She left sickbay for the corridor. She wasn't usually so cavalier about her health, but there was an important recalibration going on in engineering, and she didn't like to leave Chaedy in charge for too long. Being told that she was in perfect health, which was exactly how she felt anyway, had made the whole thing a waste of forty minutes.

'Oh, by the way,' Graham called absently as the door hissed open. 'What are you hoping for - a boy or a girl?'

Emma the Techie half-slumped over her console, drumming out I Kiss Your Lips[2] with her fingers. Val looked back at her.

'Maybe I should have got you into dress uniform,' she muttered.

'Can't,' the bald woman replied. 'I gave it to Matt to make a waistcoat out of.'

Val sighed. She didn't really like it when the Compromise had to ferry Federation ambassadors around. As the flagship's resident diplomat, it usually fell to her[3] to relate to - or as she thought of it, 'babysit' - them.

Usually this wasn't so bad. She'd actually found the Lyneham High representative somewhat enjoyable company, and the ambassador from Bole hadn't been that troublesome in retrospect. Unfortunately, the ambassador she was to meet tonight had a reputation that far preceded her.

Val really, really wanted to retire about now.

She was shocked as Emma brought the transporter to life for a few seconds, but beamed nothing.

'What did you do that for?'

'This thing's been playing up recently. I just wanted to check again before I beamed her aboard.' Her console lit up. 'Which is just about to happen,' she added.

Val dusted her tunic down and looked up at the shimmering blue mass on the pad as a woman of a certain age solidified within. Emma wrinkled up her nose at the dress she was wearing - so many sequins, shiny parts and colours that it was probably impossible to photograph. Her extravagant hair had obviously taken more sculpting than Nelson's Column.

She cast a gaze over the transporter room. 'Hmmm,' she said. 'I haven't been on one of these before. Still - I suppose I can learn to live with it.' She looked down at Val and smiled. 'Hello, Little One.'

Val gave her VIP-meeting smile No 7. 'Ambassador Lwaxana Troi of Betazed,' she bowed slightly. 'Welcome to the starship Compromise.'

'Barry?' requested Ratbat. 'Deck 12, my good man.'

'Nothing would give me greater pleasure, my dear.'

'If ye were anyone else, Barry, I'd almost think ye were being sarcastic.'

'Hmmm.'

What could she want? wondered Ratbat. Up until about thirty seconds ago, she'd been in Counsellor Fetter's quarters, enjoying a nice candle-lit dinner. The chief topic of conversation had been wondering when an engineer would come up to fix the lights, when Bobbi had paged Ratbat, asking if she'd had a minute. When Ratbat had asked why, the Chief had replied, 'Oh, don't worry. Just whenever you're free.'

Now, to Urac Sigma, this was the personal contact equivalent of someone telling you that you 'shouldn't get anything' for their Christmas or birthday present, so she'd reluctantly left Leila and started towards Bobbi's quarters.

The turbolift opened, and Ratbat exited into the corridor, almost colliding with Val and another woman as they came down it.

'Whoa - sorry,' Ratbat excused herself.

'Oh, that's perfectly all right,' said the other. She looked vaguely familiar to Ratbat - Enterprise days, maybe?

Well, well... Ratbat suddenly heard her voice say. Another telepath...

Because the reaction Val didn't give, Ratbat risked a guess at what the woman meant by this. Not exactly, Ratbat thought back. I'm not even much of a psychic. It's mostly with one special person.

Still, dear, let me tell you - you're very articulate for a self-confessed not-exactly-telepath.

That's partially because of you, replied Ratbat. It's one of the ways my abilities work, that.

Val was about to ask why the hell these two were just standing in the corridor staring at each other when Mrs Troi suddenly winced. Ratbat briefly felt a rush of something experienced yet unfamiliar shoot through her mind, then she joined Val (who had briefly looked fazed herself) in concern for the Betazoid.

'It's all right, dears,' Mrs Troi reassured them. 'It's just a twinge. I'm not as young as I used to be.'[4] She motioned to Val that they should continue on their way, and Ratbat continued on hers.

Bobbi was having trouble taking it in.

She'd known she'd wanted this, but she'd always wanted it, well...someday. Eventually. She'd never quite felt the time was right for a child or children right now. She'd been too young, or too old, or at college, or living with cabaret comedians who always talked about selling any offspring into child prostitution[5]...sometimes she'd even given up on the idea altogether. But now...

...well, now she had one, right inside her.

She'd tried telling Christine about it, but it had proved futile:

'Yes, of course, you're going to have a baby, Robyn. One day we'll all have babies, and everyone will be happy.'

'No, I mean I'm really going to have a baby.'

'Very good, Robyn - you're determined.'

'Chris, I'm ser-- Are you actually awake?'

'No,' she'd replied.

'You're talking in your sleep.'

'Yes.'

'Ah.' Bobbi had thought that she'd seemed more lucid.

'How many people have you slept with?'

'Fuck off.'

'Shit.'

Now she was waiting for Ratbat to show up. There were a number of reasons that she'd singled out Ratbat to tell next. One of them was that Ratbat had been the one that she'd remained with when Recycled Virgins had been apart for most of the twentieth century. Another was that Ratbat was also the most recent of her close friends to have gone through pregnancy, however oddly.[6] On top of these, pregnancy was amongst the subjects that the first officer knew a lot about, and Bobbi kind of wanted a companion with that capacity to see her through the next eight months.

There was a connection her mind was trying to make from that last thought, but it didn't quite occur yet.

The doorbell chimed. 'Come in,' she said, sitting on the edge of her bed.

'Eh up, Bob,' Ratbat said as she entered. 'What's 'appenin'?'

'Baby,' said Bobbi simply.

Ratbat scowled and sat on the bed beside her. 'You're either (A) insulting me, (B) trying to seduce me, or (C) going mad. In order, either (A) Hey! That's not nice! (B) No chance, and (C) You're in good company.'

Bobbi shook her head. 'Nonono.' She took Ratbat's arm by a quivering wrist and placed the chiropteran hand on her stomach. 'Baby,' she repeated.

Ratbat's eyes widened as she realised. 'You're pregnant?' Bobbi nodded proudly.

'Ooh!' Ratbat laughed. She hugged Bobbi, pushing her back onto the bed. Or at least Bobbi thought she was trying to, so she did it herself to compensate for Ratbat's lack of weight. 'Congratulations!' Ratbat kissed her forehead.

Bobbi was slightly surprised. 'Oh? You weren't so overjoyed when you became pregnant, if I recall.'

'Aye, but you've always wanted it to happen. Besides, I was in labour by the time most women would be thinking about telling their partners.'

Now Bobbi's mind made the connection. She levered Ratbat off herself, and went over to her desk terminal.

'What's up?' asked Ratbat.

Bobbi called up alternately her personal logs and a calendar for the year 2375. Then one for 2374. That couldn't be right.

'What was the next question you were going to ask?'

'I was gonna ask how far along you were.'

'A month. One.' She held up a finger. 'But... I haven't had sex since my little..."experimenting" with Emma the Klingon - I doubt I conceived from that, and besides, that was three months ago!'

'I'm not boring you, am I, dear?' asked Mrs Troi.

'No, of course not,' Val yawned.

'It's all right, Little One,' Mrs Troi smiled gently. 'You don't have to use your little diplomatic tricks with me. You're not enjoying yourself one little bit.'

'No, rea--'

'Dear, I'm from Betazed - we value honesty over everything else. If you don't want to listen to a mature-ish woman babbling on, just say so.'

'It's just that it's getting a bit late, and--'

'Of course.'

'If you need anything, just...'

'...ask the computer. Don't worry, I've been on starships before.'

Val nodded. 'Then I'll see you tomorrow, Ambassador.' She bowed. 'Come on, Suzy.'

Lieutenant Styles didn't budge.

'Suzy?' Then Val got round to wondering why her assistant was wearing sunglasses in the reasonably low light of the cabin. She pulled them off to find that Suzy's eyes were shut fast, and she was snoring softly. A closer look revealed an unfamiliar item in addition to the dog-collar around her neck. 'Suzy!' Val snapped her fingers right next to her ear.

'Mrnk?' Suzy stirred. Awaking fully, she touched her collar, stumbling slightly as the force-fields and anti-gravity allowing her to sleep standing up shut down.

'We're going,' said Val firmly.

'Oh,' Suzy said sheepishly, realising what she'd done. Mrs Troi shaking her head after them, they left her quarters.

'Do you have to fall asleep when we're with visiting dignitaries?' Val scolded.

'Gomen, sir...' she replied, discreetly wiping the side of her mouth where saliva was threatening to exude. That had been one hell of a dream she'd been having. 'It's just...'

Then, without warning, she grabbed the hapless lieutenant they were passing, and took her lips to theirs in a kiss that threatened to fog up the access panels near them.

'Umm...hi,' they managed, before continuing onwards down the corridor.

Suzy wiped her mouth again and turned to the wide-eyed Val. 'It's just,' she continued, 'I haven't had any in a while.'

The Ball (synthesiser) - Russell B

'Pregnant?'

'Baby?'

'When?'

'How?'

'Can I have another drink?'

Emma the Klingon attended to Renée while the rest of the gathered crew reacted to Bobbi's news. Euan, for one, came out with the question that was on half of their minds.

'Is this, uh...a good thing?'

'Yes.' Bobbi nodded happily. She'd decided to dismiss the nagging part about how she'd conceived and just be thankful that she had.

'When are you due?' asked Leila.

Bobbi thought a moment. 'Sometime in October,' she replied. 'I'm still getting used to the idea myself - I'd began to wonder if I'd ever get round to having children.' She sighed. Strangely enough, the thought of becoming a mother at long last actually made her feel younger, not older. She'd have to ask one of the other mothers on the crew if that was how they had felt when their children were on the way. Later, though.

'But you finally made it!' exclaimed Colleen, oddly hugging her from the back of the neck.[7]

'Have you thought about any names yet?' asked Ksenia.

'Urac's a nice name.'

'No it's not. Leila is.'

'Urac!'

'Leila!'

'Urac!'

'Leila!'

'Urac!'

'Leila!'

'Urac and Leila!' Euan called. The pair fell quiet.

'Maybe she'll have twins,' Ruth conceded.

Bobbi closed her eyes. 'Please,' she said. 'Don't even think it.'

Terri made herself heard above the rabble. 'Look, I don't wanna seem insensitive,' she said,[8] 'but who's the father?'

Bobbi was stuck for a second, but fortunately Emma asked her a much less forward question about her genitals, and she could let it slip.

Because she still had no idea.

Who was the father - and how?

Mrs Troi's dream about chasing a bald starship captain around the fifth starship Enterprise had been arousing. Too arousing, in fact - it had succeeded in arousing her right out of her slumber. And she found she'd been aroused with a more than slight headache.

She sighed, and sat up in bed. She popped open the small circular pill-holder on the side-table, and took one of the capsules within. They were quite necessary to her at the moment, as she was going through what Betazoids called the Phase - a process not unlike the menopause on many other planets. One of the side-effects was that during the Phase, a woman's sex drive could be quadrupled. Or more. Mrs Troi had graciously admitted to herself that she was probably bad enough as it was, and had acquired this medication to ensure that she didn't get any worse. She then spent about half an hour deciding what garmentry and follicular adornments to provide herself with.

'Hmmmm...' She decided that she might as well do something with herself before the charming young Buj girl found her. 'Computer,' she said. 'Show me the way to the bridge.'

Val awoke with a start - and not only a start, an unattended room. Where was Suzy?

She eased herself out of bed, wondering if this meant she'd actually have to dress herself. Euhhh. For that matter, where off Earth did she keep her clothes? She had almost got around to panicking when Suzy finally entered.

'Where have you been?' asked Val. Catching sight of the more than slightly distracted look on Suzy's face, she added, 'On the other hand, also knowing that Niki came back late last night, maybe I don't want to know. Anyway, are you aware I almost had to think for myself just now? Do you have any idea what kind of strain that would place on my diplomatic ability?'

'I can't imagine, sir,' said Suzy, deadpan.

Val sighed as Suzy helped her off with her nightdress. 'What's on today's schedule?' she asked.

'Nothing specific,' replied Suzy, wandering through to run Val's bath. 'Just checking up on that Troi woman, make sure she doesn't fall in the warp core, or whatever...' She stopped herself a second. It could just have been the effects of the steam, but she was feeling extremely hot and heavy of breathing. Either the steam, or she was in the mood, she laughed to herself.

After the briefest pause, she went back into the main part of the quarters. 'Sir? Come through here...I think you need a really thorough washing today...'

Bobbi emerged from the washroom at the back of the bridge to feel that most of the eyes in the room were directed at her. 'What?' she asked irritably.

'Are y--' Euan began, before he was cut off by Ambassador Troi, who seemed to have perched herself on this side of his chair during Bobbi's absence.

'Are you all right, dear?' asked Mrs Troi, running her fingers through Euan's hair. 'This fine man here says you've been in and out of there since you got here.'

Bobbi scowled at Euan. 'I'm fine. Well, I'm not fine, obviously - it's morning sickness,[9] that's all. I'm pregnant.' She tried to smile graciously, but it was spoiled by the sudden need to use the mouth for something else. 'Excuse me,' she managed, before disappearing into the washroom yet again.

Mrs Troi shrugged. 'Really? Poor thing. Do you know, when I was pregnant with Deanna, I was hardly sick a single day. Not that I'd let her know that, of course--'

'Uhh...Mrs Troi...' gasped Euan.

'Oh, please, dear - call me Lwaxana.'

'OK, uh...Luhwaxana. Um, no offence, but I don't really think...'

'...Chief Scholes would want to hear tales like that?' completed Mrs Troi. 'Hmm...perhaps you're right. Oh, all right - I wanted to explore the rest of this ship, anyway.' She pulled herself away from the captain and walked over to the turbolift. 'Remember, Euan - anytime you want to see me...' She winked, and the lift doors closed.

Euan stood up and shook his head. This felt too strange. There was no way that Mrs Troi could have turned him on. At least...he didn't think so. Or, rude as it might sound, he hoped not. Nonetheless, he didn't exactly feel in a starship-commanding mood.

The small shriek from Colleen was the only warning anyone got. She'd turned around, in a near-unprecedented intention to...well, size up the crewmembers behind her, when she saw that Ruth had adopted a rather...eager expression while gazing at Euan. Before anyone knew what was happening, she'd leapt from her console, and tackled Euan to the ground.

'Let's go!' she cried, never one for excess talk. Euan, who really wasn't in any mood to put up any resistance anyway, was on the floor and rapidly losing parts of his uniform. Such was Ruth's enthusiasm, that she'd almost finished with his boots (she wouldn't bother with his socks[10]) before his captain's pips had come to rest.

Bobbi, therefore, emerged once more to see the ship's security chief and commanding officer going at it hammer and tongs in front of the viewscreen. She was about to remark on this, when she saw that a few of the other crewmembers around were also gazing, embracing, or otherwise engaging each other appreciatively.

'Guess it's just one of those affectionate days,' she muttered, and left via the turbolift.

'Up-waking time!' Ratbat called, in a tone she knew would be too cheery for her sister to handle. Leila's only response was a snort from beneath her bedclothes.

'Come on, darling,' she said, sitting on the bed and stroking some of the red hair that poked into view. A second later, an arm snaked into view and embraced Ratbat, gently pulling her down towards its owner.

'Good morning,' smiled Leila.

'My, but you're in a good mood,' commented Ratbat. Leila hugged her in her odd position, which Ratbat returned, before she noticed something out of place.

'Darling,' said Ratbat, 'you've got your hand on my breast.'

'Well,' Leila replied airily, 'your hand's often been on mine when we've been lying together.'

'Yes, but with you it's much harder to miss.'

'Oh, go on - you've got four.'

'Aye, but you've got your hand right on one of the top ones - the bigger ones, the ones you can almost see if I'm wearing a wet T-shirt over a padded bra!'

'Don't worry, darling...I won't pull it off...' She moved her arm around in an attempt to drag Ratbat closer to her. It was obvious what was on her mind, and despite a couple of incidences, it wasn't really Ratbat's cup of tea.

Ratbat pulled herself free. Not today, Galvatron, she thought, and made a hasty exit.

Bobbi made her way along a deck 10 corridor. This was just getting too much. Almost everyone she'd seen since the bridge was either trying it on with another crewmember or just plain unable to keep their minds on talking to her for more than about a minute. Granted, it could just be that she was hardly in the mood for it herself, but this seemed unusual even for Compromisers.

Puzzling further, she turned a corner, and was immediately knocked to the floor by two people running rapidly from the other directions.

'Sorry,' apologised Val, picking herself up, then helping the other two to their feet.

'And here,' took up Ratbat. 'It seems Miss Leila is, well...somewhat frisky this morning. Are ye OK?' she asked Bobbi.

'I'm fine. I'm only pregnant, not made of glass. What do you mean, she's frisky?'

'I mean, she's frisky.'

'So's Suzy,' Val told them. Trying to regain her standard cool composure, she pulled her bathrobe more tightly closed.

'So's Ruth,' Bobbi continued. 'So's Terri. So's Heike, so's Judy, so's Emma, so's Euan. Actually,' she rationalised, 'that last one's not so unusual. Whatever - the whole ship's suddenly become decidedly friendly.'

Val thought a moment. 'Well - almost the whole ship,' she reasoned.

The three women looked each other up and down for a moment.

'Well,' Bobbi said at last. 'Do any of us feel like persistently ravaging either of the others?'

'Not quite at the moment,' replied Ratbat.

'I'll pass,' confirmed Val.

'And nothing personal...' Bobbi added, with a not-now look at Ratbat, '...but no.'

'So what the smeg's going on?' wondered Ratbat.

Bobbi shrugged. 'Maybe there's some kind of virus. A disease that set everyone's libidos raging.'

'Or there could be something outside the ship,' volunteered Val. 'An anomaly affecting thought processes or something.'

'They both work,' nodded Ratbat.

Bobbi considered. 'Sickbay from Scholes,' she told the air. Her only answer was the high-pitched giggle of someone who has better things to do than answer the intercom. 'In that case,' she decided, 'might I suggest that Ratbat and I go up to sickbay, Val, while you go to engineering and see if the sensors have spotted anything unusual. We'll meet up again in 10-Foreplay.'

'Shouldn't you go to engineering? I mean, you're the chief engineer.'

'Don't worry, it's just a simple job. The computer'll help you.'

Val shrugged. 'I can just do it from the bridge.' She started off, but Bobbi placed a palm on her chest, restricting her.

'Val - believe me, do it from engineering.'

Len cautiously made his way down the dark corridor, all the time keeping his finger poised to fire should the enemy emerge. He was a damned fool for coming here, of course - anyone else would turn back now, try to find another way. But he wasn't anyone else - he was Admiral Len 'Bullshit' Bowen.

Gritting his teeth, he made his way down the stairs. He heard a scream and paused. Was that nearby? It was so hard to tell in this place.

'Bugger it,' he breathed, and charged forward.

As he'd feared, the chamber he ended up in was full of them. Hardly stopping except to swear, he clamped down on his chaingun, and whirled around with a cry of rage, knowing his life was limited, but planning to take as many of the bastards with him as he could.

Ducking and sidestepping to avoid what he could of their volleys, he slowly became aware that they were actually starting to die faster than he was. Could it be that he was actually going to last this out?

A rocket slamming into him from behind rapidly and finally answered that question.

'Bullshit!' Len slammed his hand on his desk in irritation, and called the up the load game menu for Doom II.

'Len?' He looked up to see Admiral Page standing in his office doorway.

'Um-- yes, sir?' Len hurriedly took his finger to the boss key.

'Have you contacted the Compromise yet? The Betazed government tell me that it's really a good idea to check on any ship that Ambassador Troi takes a ride on.'

'Right - yes, sir.' As Geoff left, Len grudgingly quit the game entirely and opened a communication to the Compromise. He was rewarded by Colleen's image on the screen. She wasn't quite as neat as she ought to be, really. Her hair was quite ruffled, her glasses askew, and there was smudged lipstick around her mouth. Stifling a giggle, she issued a final 'ssh' to someone offscreen, then addressed Len. 'Admiral. What can I do for you?'

Len briefly thought about asking the obvious question, but let it lie. 'Colleen? Where's Euan?'

'He's...um...he's busy, Admiral.'

'Wh-- Never mind, I won't ask. Listen, how's that Ambassador Troi woman treating your ship? Everything all right?'

Colleen frowned. 'Are you sure that's not the other way around, sir?'

'Do you remember your time on the Enterprise?'

'Good point. No, she's fine. She was up here earlier on, but now...I don't think she's been causing any trouble.'

'Ah. OK, then, fine enough. Er...Starfleet out.' He saw the briefest image of a hand going to Colleen's head before the channel closed.

He shook his head. 'Ah, well,' he said. 'They're still flying round, so that's fine by me.'

Val entered engineering to find that, compared to the rest of the ship, it was quite calm. True, Lieutenant M^cCallum and Ensign Benson were fencing with bits of GNDN piping, but other than that it was business as usual. She called Chaedy over and asked to be shown the scanner logs.

'Why do you want to see the scanner logs?' asked Chaedy as she called up the relevant files for the diplomat.

'I've got to check on something.'

'What've you got to check on?'

'Something that might be affecting the people on the ship.'

'How is it affecting them?'

'If I knew that, I wouldn't need to check the scanner logs.'

'How do you know it's affecting them if you don't know how it's affecting them?'

'You're asking a lot of questions today, aren't you?'

'Why do you think I'm asking a lot of questions?'

Ania laughed and gently moved her away from the console. 'Sorry about her,' she apologised. 'She was working on a learning aid this morning and it backfired.'

'How did it backfire?' asked Chaedy, before Ania led her away.

Val was setting to work on those parts of the logs that she understood when she heard a familiar voice from the far turbolift. 'You know something, dears? I never really did find out how these things work.' She turned to see that Mrs Troi had entered, and was toying with buttons on the cabinet that housed the dilithium crystals. Val, not entirely sure that she should be doing that, left the scanner logs and went over to her.

'I'm sure Bobbi can explain it all to you later,' she reassured Mrs Troi. Then she suddenly grabbed the telepath, for without warning, she had once more winced, and had looked as if she were in danger of falling over the guardrail.

'Thanks you, dear,' she smiled as she straightened up once more. She rubbed her head. 'I seem to be having a few of these little spells lately. Maybe I should ask that doctor of yours to take a look at me.'

Val held back comment, leading her by the hand to a safer position. 'Unfortunately, I think Dr Graham is busy right now. But if you'd like to wait a couple of minutes while I finish here, I'm going up to 10-Foreplay. That's quite relaxing.'

'I think I'll take you up on that, dear,' Mrs Troi nodded, going to fill in the remaining time by looking at the layout diagram of the ship that occupied one of the walls.

Val returned her attention to the logs. While she didn't fully comprehend everything, it only took a little help from the computer to see that the Compromise had encountered nothing in the past two weeks that could cause anything even remotely like a sudden ship-wide increase in passion.

Sighing, she called up the logs for the week before just to be on the safe side. So engrossed was she by the logs, that she didn't notice that over by the pool table, Lieutenant M^c­Callum and Ensign Horobin had begun to neck.

'There's a reason that you're going to sickbay rather than engineering even though you're the chief engineer, isn't there?' asked Ratbat as she and Bobbi made their way through the corridors that were beginning to look more and more like a high school towards the end of year 10.

'Yes,' replied Bobbi. 'This morning I asked Graham to run a test to try to find the exact date when I'd conceived.' She turned to her. 'Even though I want this baby very much, I still want to know how it got in there without me having sex.'

'Well, it ain't another blue dot, I can tell ye that much,' Ratbat assured her. 'You don't seem to be going fast enough for that.'

'I didn't really think it was, to be honest. I mean, you felt the blue dot enter you. I don't remember anything like that over the past few days. Anyway, I want to see if I can get those test results while we're here.'

The two of them approached the doors to sickbay and entered. A few seconds later, the doors snapped back open, and they quickly exited. The stood and stared at each other for a few moments, their breath coming shortly.

'At least now we know what Graham keeps all that stuff around for,' reflected Bobbi.

'True, but...I didn't...well, Nurse M^cMillan always seemed like such a nice girl.'

'I didn't really think that her sister was Fiona's type.'

'Anyway...' They set off towards the turbolift. 'We got my test results.' Bobbi clutched a padd triumphantly.

'And it doesnae look like they were studying any new plague before their attention wandered...gurl, I didn't really think you could put one of those in there...'

'Better not to dwell on it,' Bobbi told her as they entered the lift. '10-Foreplay.'

They stood there for a moment, realising that the lift wasn't going anywhere. 'Barry!' Bobbi called. 'We'd like to go to 10-Foreplay, please!'

There was the sound of some shuffling and breathing over the intercom, then: 'Umm, Barry...there's someone talking on your headset...'

The two women looked at each other. 'Euan???' they chorused.

'Umm...sorry,' came apologetic voice, Barry's this time. 'We're...uh, we're a bit busy in here...'

'Oh, for God's sake!' groaned Bobbi. 'Don't bother! Computer, take turbolift control to automatic!'

'Turbolifts are now under the control of the ship's computer.'

'Good! 10-Foreplay!' She fell silent and seethed for the remainder of the trip.

Rotations Logic - Russell B

They arrived at 10-Foreplay to find that it was the pposite of sickbay. Sure, there were one of two people who looked like they really wanted to be with one or two of the others, but this being a pub, that was quite normal behaviour.

'Ksenia,' Bobbi addressed the scientist who was doing a Jeopardy crossword.[11] 'Do you have any idea what's going on on board?'

'What do you mean?' asked Ksenia, coming towards the same table they were.

'All over the ship,' explained Ratbat. 'People snogging and touching and doing all that weird stuff.'

Ksenia shrugged. 'I've been in here all morning. I haven't noticed anything.'

'Hmmm. Well, the rest of the ship's like a cast party from a six-month run,' Bobbi took up.

'I haven't detected anything strange recently,' said Ksenia. 'I'll take a better look when I go back to the lab.'

'I wonder if Val-- Oh, here she comes.' They all looked up as the doors swished aside, admitting Val and Mrs Troi.

'Anything?' asked Bobbi as the two of them sat down.

Val shook her head. 'Nothing,' she reported. 'Oh - one strange thing. When I first got there, the place was...well, it was just like normal. But by the time I left...hm.'

'Hm?' echoed Bobbi.

'Well, once I was in the lift, I did hear a battle cry akin to "last one pregnant isn't trying".'

Bobbi looked self-consciously at her stomach for a second, but didn't remark on it. 'It's getting everywhere,' she commented.

'Yes, everywhere...' said Ksenia vaguely. She looked around the bar. There seemed to be a lot more people gravitating towards groupings of intimacy. Except for that poor guy sitting at the end of the bar. He looked so lonely...

'Excuse me,' she told the others, and left the table.

'Now it's here too!' exclaimed Val. What is it? What keeps turning people's thoughts to such things?

'I don't know, dear,' Mrs Troi responded out loud.

'What?'

'Sorry, Little One, force of habit.' She shook her head. Today's hair, the purple stuff, barely moved a centimetre.

'I'd just wondered,' Val explained for the benefit of the other two, 'what was...' she trailed off. 'What was turning people's thoughts...' She looked over at Mrs Troi.

'What is it?'

'It's you,' Val realised. 'You're a telepath, and you're in the Phase...I think somehow it might be your presence that's doing it all.'

'It's possible,' nodded Bobbi. '10-Foreplay wasn't like this until you came in.'

'Neither was engineering,' agreed Val.

'Oh dear,' was all Mrs Troi could think to say. 'That shouldn't be happening.'

'Is, though,' said Ratbat.

'Lwaxana,' asked Val. 'Would you mind just coming up to sickbay for a few minutes?'

'Uhh...that might not be a good idea,' Ratbat warned.

Bobbi considered a moment. 'No,' she announced. 'We can do it. Just let me go a couple of minutes up ahead. She got up and left the bar.

'Hmmm...' Mrs Troi considered. 'I don't suppose that lovely Euan boy will be there, will he?'

Ratbat shook her head. 'Probably not,' she guessed.

Val, Ratbat and Mrs Troi arrived in sickbay to find it an uncontemplatable mess, but nonetheless empty save for Bobbi.

'How did ye do that?' asked Ratbat.

'Easy,' smiled Bobbi. 'I piped through a CD of William Shatner singing Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds. Always kills the mood, I find.'

'Really?' asked Val. 'Where did you find one of them?'

'Not important,' Ratbat decided too quickly.

Mrs Troi stepped forward. 'What would you like me to do?' she asked.

'Let's see, a neuroscan would probably be best,' Bobbi guessed. Val looked to Ratbat.

'Why are you looking at me?' the chiropteran asked.

'You know about medical stuff, don't you?'

'Only gynaecology,' Ratbat shook her head, 'not medical in general. I can't do a neuroscan, but I could tell you if she had a yeast infection. Oh. Too much? Sorry.'

The three Starfleet officers then took to the computer to try to work out how to make the scan.

'I still don't really understand why the three of us aren't affected,' Bobbi admitted.

'I could take a guess,' Ratbat piped up, sifting through the equipment that had been thrown to the floor in a frenzy of Glenda-knew-what.

'Go ahead,' invited Mrs Troi.

'OK. Bobbi, first off, is pregnant. Hormonally, she's all over the place. My guess is basically that she just isn't building up any form of sex drive at the moment.'

Val paused over the biobed controls. 'I thought it was supposed to make you feel more sensual, sexy, that kind of thing.' Bobbi groaned at the thought.

'Usually that's later,' said Ratbat. 'Not that every pregnancy isn't unique anyway. Besides, the way her system is acting, she could switch from eager to repulsed in...' She clicked her fingers.

'I'm not sure I needed to know that,' Bobbi speculated.

'Oh, you'll learn about all kinds of stuff yet,' Ratbat grinned.

'Then what's your idea for the two of us?' Val asked her.

'Well, in my case, I'm basically asexual...' Ratbat began.

'But I know for a fact that you've had sex!' retorted Val.[12]

'Only twice,' piped up Bobbi.

'Exactly. The first time I was incredibly drunk. It was like the interpersonal equivalent of stealing a traffic cone. I barely even remember it. The second time...' She sighed. 'The second time was just after Terri died. I didn't want Euan to leave me alone, so I kind of let him guide me to it...' She paused a moment, then shook her head. 'I don't remember much of that one either, just the before parts, crying into Euan's shoulder most of the time.' It vaguely occurred to her that if Monika hadn't been in the mood for a bit of 'strong persuasion of drink choice', and Terri had had the common decency to stay alive, she might still be a virgin. 'Anyway, getting back to it - that's why it didn't affect me. If I'm guessing right, that time Mrs Troi almost collapsed when we met in the corridor was her first seizure, so it kind of went through me at the same time it hit you. Maybe, with me being partially psychic, an' all, it kind of picked up some of my...inertness and insulated you...somethin' like that.'

After another fifteen minutes, they'd worked out enough to do a basic neuroscan.

'What will you do if this doesn't tell you anything?' Mrs Troi asked.

'Start opening the ship to public and charging admission,' said Ratbat.

'Look...here we go,' said Val. The results from Mrs Troi's neuroscan were already coming up on the monitor before them. 'Computer, display any abnormalities.'

They blinked at the screen for a few moments. 'Computer, display them in simpler terms,' requested Ratbat. Mmmm...now, that's odd.'

'What? What's wrong?' asked Mrs Troi.

'A few of the atoms in your brain are misplaced,' frowned Ratbat.

'Oh my stars...that doesn't sound good.'

'Oh it's nothing too serious,' Val told her. 'But it's playing around with your telepathic abilities.'

'Really? How?'

Val turned to her. 'If you're in the Phase, doesn't that mean you're taking...uh...'

'Suppressive medication? Yes.'

'It means that the medication isn't working properly. It's suppressing it for you, but squeezing it back out all around you. Like biting into a Big Mac and not holding the end properly. People are going to get splattered.'

'Oh.' Mrs Troi shuffled uncomfortably. 'How did this happen, then?'

'Dunno,' admitted Ratbat.

'I do,' piped up Bobbi. She was poring over the padd that had her test results on it. She showed it to them.

'See that date? That's the date when I conceived. Exactly four weeks ago. I just checked my personal logs for that day, and the only thing I did that day was beam over to a derelict and back with an away team.'

The others all looked at her.

'What are ye driving at?' asked Ratbat.

Val realised. 'Wait...Emma the Techie did say that she'd had some problems with the transporter recently.'

'I'm still not quite with you,' Mrs Troi said.

'I think I get it,' said Ratbat. 'Come on, let's get our butts up to transporter room 7.'

Having found Ensign Suz 'Shadowcat' Date, the assistant transporter chief, and dragged her off Ensign Murphy, Val, Bobbi, Ratbat and Mrs Troi brought her up to the transporter room.

'Do I really have to be here?' she implored. 'I'd much rather be--'

'So would most of the ship,' Bobbi admonished her. 'But we've got this problem here, and you were the first transporter technician we found.'

'Ohh, all right...' Miss Shadowcat tried to direct her attention back to the three officers before her. God, they're cute, she thought. She shook her head to try to clear it. Didn't work. 'What do you want me to do?' she asked.

'Run a diagnostic on the transporter,' Bobbi told her. 'Find out any faults it's been starting to have of late.'

'OK...' panted Shadowcat. 'I'll just get the old diagnostic logs to compare with...huh?'

'What?' piped up Val.

'There's no logs! In fact...' She pressed a few more switches. 'There hasn't been a proper diagnostic run on this thing since it was installed, two years ago!'

'Nothing?'

Shadowcat shook her head. 'A few repairs here and there, but...other than that, Emma seems to have been notably slack as far as standard maintenance goes. I'll just see what kind of faults we've been getting...' She called up a filtered query on the transporter logs. 'Little single-bit errors...a few molecules and cells moved around here and there.' It was becoming quite hard to concentrate, but she persevered. 'You...Mrs Troi...it looks like a few cells in your brain have been screwed around with...God, that sounds nasty...'

Bobbi stepped forward and looked at the screen. 'What about me?' she asked. 'A transport I did on the eighteenth of January, over to that derelict Neelablan ship we found.'

'Let me see...hmmm...here it is. Shit, another malfunction...it took a cell or three out of one of the people with you, changed it a bit in transit, and it ended up...' She touched Bobbi's lower midriff. '...About here.'

Bobbi stepped back before Shadowcat's mood overcame her and she forgot what she was supposed to be using the hand for.

'How did it change it?' Val thought she could guess the answer, but she had to ask.

Shadowcat sniggered slightly. 'Effectively, it became spermatozoa cells.' She giggled, and leant forward on the console. 'Sooo, was it good for you?' she laughed.

Bobbi shrugged. 'Didn't really notice then,' she smiled. 'Though I dare say I'll have something to say in about eight months time.'

'Ohhh...right. OK...um, congratulations.' She forced her mind back to the task at hand so she could get it done and get back to it. 'It's so simple to fix, too...lazy cow...' She flipped open the front of the console, plucked a fine-welder from the cabinet, and set to work.

'Oohhhhhh,' Ensign Douglas-Major flopped herself down against the wall between Renée and Ensign O'Brien.

'You look pleased with yourself,' commented Niki, who had had a mystifying, but not entirely dissatisfying, morning herself.

Louise let out a long giggle. 'Hey...' she said. 'Now not only do I know that Euan leaves his socks on...I also know why...' She laughed again, the other two joining her this time.

'Hey, Louise...' slurred Renée playfully. 'What are you doing now...?'

'Nothing too important...what about you, Niki?'

'Nothing desperate.'

She laughed stupidly. 'Then I've got an idea for all three of us...'

It took the other two a second to catch on. 'Oooh!' they chorused.

And so it went.[13]

'Righto...' breathed Miss Shadowcat, sweating like a vinyl theatre seat and drawing on her self-control way into overdraft territory. Val had informed her of why she felt this way, but it didn't help matters - just because you can see the blade that cut your hand off, doesn't mean it'll grow back. 'Ambassador...if you could...step onto the pad.'

Mrs Troi looked slightly self-satisfied. 'It's just like I used to tell Deanna,' she said. 'I've never trusted these things.'

'Energise,' Bobbi told Shadowcat. The assistant chief nodded and virtually caressed the console as she moved her hand up it, causing Mrs Troi to disappear into slivers of blue light. She dragged the fingers back down with a sigh, Mrs Troi reappearing just as she'd left.

'Are you all right?' Val asked her.

The Betazoid smiled. 'I keep telling you, dear - I'm fine.'

Shadowcat turned to Bobbi. 'I'm presuming you don't want your transport accident undone?'

Bobbi smiled and shook her head. 'No...I think I'll keep any of my future family right here where I can keep an eye on them.' She slid her hands across her stomach.

'In that case...' Shadowcat started sliding towards the door. 'Excuse me.' She slipped into the corridor to find either a good-looking crewmember or a cold shower.

Mrs Troi turned to Bobbi. 'Why, my dear, however will you keep an eye on them in there?' she asked, one eyebrow raised.

Ratbat had no idea why, but Bobbi chose that moment at which to tread on her foot.

'Captain's log, stardate 0055. Now that Ambassador Troi's mental ability has all been put back where it belongs, the crew have slowly calmed back down. Fortunately, most crewmembers have chosen to act as if none of it ever happened. Or at least...I hope they do. Hm. As for Chief Scholes' situation, there was some speculation that the incident that resulted in her pregnancy might have discouraged people from using the transporter. Commander Sigma, however, has pointed out that there is an act that far more frequently results in pregnancy, and the crew of the USS Compromise are hardly likely to give that up in a hurry. God, speaking of which...I'm going to sign off this log entry - I'm incredibly knackered...'

I Hear You Now (synthesiser) - Russell B

'So how's Bobbi?' Leila asked Ratbat as the two of them sat in 10-Foreplay.

'Och, she's thrilled,' she replied. 'She's been waiting so long to have kids...kid. Kid or kids, I dunno.' She felt a tap on the back of her head, and turned to see that Bobbi herself was joining them at the table.

'What have I told you about the twins thing?' she mock-scolded.

'IDIC,' pleaded Ratbat. 'I'm just covering all the angles.'

'How are you, then, Bobbi?' Leila asked.

'Apart from grateful for synthehol so I can still drink, you mean?' She laughed. 'Well, I've been around long enough to know that pregnancy is a strange, uncomfortable, mystifying, and nauseating experience. And I know that having a child is unpredictable, out-of-control and tiresome lifestyle.' She took a sip from her drink and grinned. 'I think I'm going to quite enjoy it.'

Miss Shadowcat leant on the wall, glaring at Emma the Techie. 'You really should have been more diligent with the maintenance, you know,' she told her.

'Yeah, whatever,' muttered Emma.

'Well, we are talking about something that takes people apart and puts them back together. I'd think you'd be a bit more careful.'

'OK. Fine...' Emma was really trying to ignore Calendar Girl there.

'Well, look at the recent stuff-ups. Bobbi aside, how many unplanned pregnancies do you think you've caused now?'[14]

'Miss Shadowcat,' Emma growled.

'What?'

'Piss off.'

'As you like it,' shrugged Shadowcat, and slinked out the door as Emma looked daggers into her back.

The door remained open, admitting Val and Mrs Troi. 'Good morning, dear,' Mrs Troi addressed Emma brightly.

'You're off, then?' asked Emma, not reflecting the sentiment at all.

'I afraid so...I've got to attend a most tedious reception at Starbase Earhardt. And I'll tell you something,' she lowered her voice conspiratorially, 'I think the president has a bit of a thing for me.' Val and Emma merely exchanged looks.

Mrs Troi sighed and looked over the room. 'A pity,' she remarked. 'I'd hoped that Captain Bowen might have been around to see me off. Ah, well, you can't have everything. Goodbye, Little One,' she nodded to Val, and stepped up onto the transporter pad.

'Energise,' Val instructed Emma, it being a safe command for the first time in a fair while. Then, with a vague wave to the bald lieutenant, she left the room.

Out in the corridor, she found Suzy waiting.

'Ah, Suzy! Finally descended to showing your face at work, I see.'

Suzy looked shamefaced, albeit only slightly. 'Shitsureshimashita, sir.'

'Well, you're here now.'

'OK. Um, sir...I just...I want to apologise for what I did the other morning, during...er... the bath.'

'The bath,' remembered Val, nodding.

'If I...that is, if you want to take any disciplinary action...' Why the hell am I saying this? she wondered.

'Don't worry about it.' Val shook her head. 'It's not as though it was your fault.'

'Arigatô, sir.'

'Besides,' she added to herself beneath her breath, 'I'd only take disciplinary action if it hadn't been any good...'

Despite the fact that he was sitting where and doing what he should, Euan felt quite self-conscious. He leant over and addressed Leila.

'I feel like everyone's looking at me,' he said.

'You're just being paranoid,' she assured him.

'Really? It's just like...I don't know, I feel like they...expect something from me.'

Leila patted his arm. 'Euie - if it makes you feel any better...I don't expect much from you.'

'Thanks,' he said. Then he sat back and thought about it for a second. 'Umm...I think.'

Graham yawned and entered sickbay, ruffling his hair as he came.

'Morning, Graham,' said Nicole, who was helping the other Angels clear up the debris around the room.

'How are you, Nicole? You well?'

'Fine,' Nicole told him.

Graham nodded and went into his office. He thought it might be a good idea to write off the events of the last few days as a dream...no, on the other hand, if he started doing that, he may as well write off the entirety of the past four hundred and ninety-seven years as a dream.

Having checked his schedule, he emerged into the ward once more, deciding to help Nicole, Fiona, Melanie and Anthea clear up. After a couple of minutes, he addressed Graham's Angels.

'Does anyone mind if I put some music on?'

'Go ahead,' responded Nurse M^cCulloch.

Graham nodded and cued up the track he was after. He'd never really been into music like this, but somehow amongst recent events, he'd decided that it had a good feel to it.

Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds - William Shatner