'Repeat to yourself, it's just a show - I should really just relax.'

- Love Theme From Mystery Science Theatre 3000

Star Trek: The Last Generation created by Leila Fetter & Urac Daria Sigma

With apologies to the late Great Bird of the Galaxy, Gene Roddenberry

Just another day on the Starship Compromise.

I don't know why I really bother with this personal log thing. It's not as if anything really interesting ever happens to me. I think the most interesting thing that I could have ever experienced was me dying, and I've already done that. Everything else seems to pale in comparison. It was very...I dunno. I guess you think things go in a kind of order, you know? You're born, you live, you have kids, maybe, then you die. You're not meant to get up a month or so later and say wow, that was fun, what's on telly tonight. It's not that I wanted to die or anything, but I'm not sure...you know. You think that maybe there's times when it's OK to say, that's enough. When those bullets hit me, and I... when I woke up just that once in Sickbay, and then... I don't know, it's too hard to explain. Things really came into focus for me, and then all of a sudden it all changed, and now it's all fuzzy again.

Terri sighed and looked at the wall. Since her death, she'd found it increasingly hard to write her personal logs. The way she used to just blabber on about anything at all seemed a bit flippant now. 'End entry,' she said, and threw herself back on her bed. After staring at the ceiling for a minute, she became aware of a strange noise. As she listened to it, it became vaguely discernible as speech.

'Ooh bugger bugger bugger why does this always happen, help me, ooh gods I'm really sorry, stop it stop it stop it, I didn't mean it, you can't do this to me let go, let go, I don't wanna go, HEEEEELLLLPPPPPPP!!!!!!!'

She sat up. At the end of the final scream, a man flopped into existence in front of her bed, then fell over.

'Bugger,' he remarked from floor level.

'Who the bloody hell are you?' she squawked.

He sat up, a scowl crossing his face. 'I am S! And I'm not happy!'

Terri sighed. Just when it was safe to get back into the starship....

Euan sat on the bridge, looking commanderial. 'I see. Um. No I don't.'

Ratbat passed a weary hand over her eyes. The red stain that came back with it told her that yet another attempt at follicular coloration had failed. 'Look, it's quite simple. Miss Scarlett was in the study,' she prodded the board. 'Then Colonel Mustard got the dagger from the library,' she prodded it again. 'and took it to the kitchen,' another prod. 'where Mrs White was waiting, see?'

Euan peered at the board. 'No.'

Ruth threw up her hands in frustration, and was about to throw the box at him, when a call came over the comm system. 'O'Ferez to the bridge,'

'Bowen here. Anything wrong, Lieutenant?'

'Oh, not much. A bloody continuum bastard just materialised in my bedroom, no problem,' came the sarcastic reply.

'Ms O'Ferez, was that sarcasm? To a superior officer?' Euan pouted.

'No, of course it wasn't!'

'Oh. Well, that's OK, then.'

Leila, who had been listening to her Walkman, pressed the stop button, removed it from her belt, and threw it at the captain.

'Thank you, Ms Fetter, I think I might have you all court-martialled for insubordination.'

'You can't. You need a counsellor to sit on a court-martial board, and I am therefore immune.' She stuck her tongue out.

Euan was a bit taken aback. He privately suspected that Leila had been taking lessons from Val. He stuck his tongue back at her.

'Don't do that near Suzy, she'll bite it off,' Ratbat remarked.

'Excuse me! I think I said something a mite important! Is anyone going to do anything about it?' Terri's agitated voice boomed out of the bridge speaker.

'What was the problem again, Tel?' Leila asked politely, retrieving her Walkman.

'This blood continuum bloke just popped up in my bedroom! Get someone from security here right now! If I'd been having a shower or something, you'd all be in big trouble by now.'

'Ruth, go and pick up the omnipotent sod. We may as well see what he wants this time,' Euan ordered.

The diminutive security chief called a couple of her lovelies and left the bridge.

'This bloke hasn't exactly got a good record with us, does he?' Ratbat said.

'Ummm...' Euan continued to stare at the Cluedo board. 'Surely not...'

'Oh no. Of course, I must have been thinking of another omnipotent bastard called S. Firstly he puts us on trial for stuff we had absolutely no control over, then he twists the dimensions of the ship so the girls and the guys keep running into each other without noticing, and then he goes and tries to kill Bobbi!'

'That wasn't him,' the engineer remarked from a corner of the bridge, where she'd set up her quilting loom.

'Eh?'

'It was a computer virus pretending to be him. Remember?'

'Oh.' Ratbat recalled the unpleasant Apocalypse virus they'd caught from the Borg. She decided to change the subject. 'How are ye, Bobbi?'

'Fine. Still pregnant.'

'Only I find this very interesting, and I just wanted to ask you....'

'Can't it wait?' Bobbi squinted as she re-threaded her needle. 'Leila, I'm nearly out of the black cotton.'

'I'll see what I can find in my embroidery bag.' The counsellor left.

Ratbat sat and fidgeted for a minute. 'I just want to know...'

'Look, Ratbat, if something incredibly interesting happens, I'll be sure to tell you, OK?'

Ratbat sulked.

The turbolift door opened, and a contrite and battered S was projected out by an irate and violent Terri.

'This scumbag has got to go! I am not putting up with crap like that from him!'

'What did you do, make a pass at her?' asked Euan.

S looked embarrassed. 'Well....she seemed like a nice kind of girl...'

'Fuck you, continuum bastard!' Terri promptly proved him wrong.

Euan sighed. 'Well, now that you're here, why don't you just let us know what the problem is, then we can all get back to business, all right?'

S pouted. 'You're not supposed to treat me like I'm just-another-day-at-the-office! I have the power to erase your species from existence entirely!' He paused, and looked sad. 'Well, at least I used to have the power to erase you from existence. Different ball game, now.'

'What are you bleating on about?' Ruth asked, hefting her phaser.

He squirmed a bit, eyeing the weapon uneasily. 'I'm not omnipotent any more.'

'See? I told you it'd get better if you just left it alone! And I bet the hair on your palms has gone away too!' Graham's voice, loud and clear, echoed from the bridge speakers.

'Bobbi, can you get a lock-out on Graham's access to the intercom?' Ratbat asked politely.

'I tried. He's got that medical over-ride thing.'

Euan was staring at S. 'What do you mean, you're not omnipotent anymore?'

'He means he can keep it up...' Graham trailed off as the sound of a nurse hitting a CMO with another nurse resounded from the speaker.

'The continuum have decided that I'm useless,' he explained bitterly. 'It's all your faults, too.'

'What? Why?' Euan was startled.

'You remember the time I tried to erase you all from existence?'

'Which one?' Ruth asked acidly.

'Um...the first one?' S looked guilty. 'Actually, it might have been the second one. The Continuum were very angry that you managed to get around my dimensional twist, and decided to audit me.' He pouted and looked at the ground. 'They say I'm a loser and not fit to be omnipotent.'

'Well they're right on that one!' Terri remarked, glaring at him still.

He scowled. 'It's all your fault! All of you!'

'Wait a moment,' Ruth glared at S. 'I think this is a transparent ploy to get us off our guard! I say you're still the same old omnipotent arsehole you always were, and we should get rid of you as soon as possible.'

'You can't do that!' S squawked.

'Gimme one good reason why not!' She continued to glare in a very threatening manner.

S squirmed. 'Look, I am mortal now! Please, believe me!'

'I don't see why we should believe anything you say at all! It's obvious you're lying!'

'All right then.....I am still omnipotent!'

'See!' Ruth gave an evil laugh. 'Now let's chuck him out the nearest airlock!'

'What?!'

Euan, as tactfully as possible, gently steered Ruth away from the tall man, as she was standing face-to-chest with him and menacing his uniform.

'Now look,' Euan said diplomatically. 'I think we can sort all this out by a simple phone call. Do you have the number for the continuum? No? Never mind, we can call Directory Assistance.'

The bridge crew stared at him in open mouthed disbelief.

'Euan,' Colleen said after a moment of extreme concentration.

'Yes?'

'Shut up.'

The captain pouted.

'Look, I think this is a perfect example of a stalemate situation,' remarked Ratbat. 'We have absolutely no way of working out whether he's telling the truth or not.'

At this moment, S disappeared from view, being tackled to the ground by a large orange beard. Upon closer examination, it was revealed that the beard was, in fact, attached to Graham, who was wrestling with the terrified continuite and trying to get his trousers off.

'S!' he was bellowing. 'How are you, S? You well?'

'Eep!' was about all S could manage.

'Graham!! Sit!' Ruth's voice boomed across the bridge.

Graham sat. Admittedly, he sat on S, but he was sitting.

'What's the problem, S? Had a bit much last night, eh?' Graham gave one of his let's-have-some-hangover-camaraderie laughs.

S gave an incoherent whimper.

'Let's get down the pub then! A bit of the leg of the dinosaur should do you good.'

Leila, who had taken the same turbolift as Graham, nodded. 'That's a great idea. Let's re-convene this meeting down at the bar. Col, what did I miss?'

The rest of the crew began to make movements toward the bar. 'Um. Well, Euan was being boring and Ruth tried to shoot him, and that's about it.' Colleen rubbed at her glasses, which for some unexplained reason only had one arm.

Leila sighed and linked her arm around Ratbat's. 'Thanks, Col. Sig, could you explain it in big-person talk?'

'Aye. But first of all,' she punched her badge. 'Sigma to Commander Buj!'

'Moshimoshi. You have reached Val's answering service, how may I help you?' Suzy's voice replied.

'Get yer lovely mistress down the pub pronto, Suzy-kun. We're havin' a meeting.'

'Hai. Be there soon,'

'Ja nê, love,'

'Why Val, Ratbat?' asked Terri.

'If this guy is really not omnipotent any more, we're going to need some Starfleet advice. And I want to see if Suzy can really drink three pints of sake without throwin' up.'

Terri sighed. Some people never change.

Moon Shadow - Tony Marziano

The Piano Man, Tony, was fiddling with his new Cat Stevens Songbook when the rowdy party of bridge personnel straggled into the bar, arguing loudly.

'Is!' bellowed Euan.

'Isn't!' Graham replied, just as loudly.

'Is!'

'Isn't!'

'Is!'

'Isn't!'

'Is!'

'Isn't!'

Leila, not being part of the discussion, glanced over at Tony, and shrugged. It wasn't exactly rare for this kind of argument to go on, but it did wear a bit thin after a while.

'Is!'

'Isn't!'

'What are you arguing about?' Emma the Klingon asked.

'Euan said that Last Crusade was the best Indiana Jones movie, when everyone knows it was Temple of Doom,' Graham said, pouting.

'I had to ask.'

Terri trotted over to the bar. 'Bloody awful day, Em,' she said.

'How?'

'Stupid continuum sod over there turned up in my bedroom. I was just trying to write my log, and then foom.'

'Foom?'

'Foom.'

'Ah!' Emma rose to the occasion. 'You'll be wanting one of my specials, then! How 'bout a Mallard Fizz?'

'Unnnggg....' Terri's eyes watered at the (very vague) memory of the flavour. 'How about a Gin and Tonic?'

'Suit yourself.'

At the Captain's regular table[1] the discussion had begun anew.

'Is!'

'Isn't!'

'Is!'

'Isn't!'

Terri, feeling not a little out of the argument, took her drink over to where Leila and Bobbi were going through Leila's considerable collection of embroidery cotton. Bobbi had decided, after the excitement of her maternity leave, to go back to work in order to relax. Holidays, she said, were just too damn stressful. She was currently making a quilt for when the time came for her to be putting her infants to bed. Terri had a rather confused image of four little faces all in a regimented row, neatly tucked under this quilt.

'You're going to want a kind of puce for this bit,' Leila was saying. 'I'd say....3727.' Like many people who have a long association with any colour-coding scheme, Leila always thought of colours in terms of their corresponding cotton code. Ratbat, by contrast, always thought of HTML codes.

'D'you have any?' Bobbi began rummaging in the colour bag.

'I did. Ruth borrowed it.'

Terri put her drink on table and sat down. 'Where's Ratbat? I thought she was permanently attached to you ever since you got pregnant.'

Bobbi giggled. 'I think I pissed her off when I told her that my digestive system was my own and nobody else's.'

'But....I thought you'd be comparing cravings stories.' Terri recalled the incredible urge she'd had, when pregnant, to eat a cork beer mat after first sautéing it gently in sorbolene cream.

'That's not what she wants to know about. I mean, call me prudish, but I don't like to discuss the finer details of my bodily functions in polite conversation.' Particularly since we were eating chocolate ice-cream at the time, she added in the privacy of her own head.

Terri laughed, and glanced over to where Euan was, apparently, demonstrating exactly why Last Crusade was the best Indiana Jones film, basically by re-enacting all the more memorable scenes.

'Hmm. Doesn't look like they'll be making a decision about S any time soon.' She looked at the man, sitting despondently between Ensign O'brien and Renée, who were doing something quite indiscernible[2] over the top of him.

'Y'know, I'm inclined to believe him,' Leila remarked. 'Anyone who was omnipotent would've been out of here like a shot when those two started.' She nodded at the pair.

The door to the bar opened and Val walked in, with Suzy a little behind her.

'Right! Time for the meeting!' Val called. Suzy scuttled to find her mistress a chair, then, having seated her with a Bloody Mary, went to join Niki and Renée, who seemed to be very enthusiastic about whatever it was they were doing.

'Let's go and see what they decide to do with him.' Terri, with a marked lack of enthusiasm, heaved herself out of her chair and went to the main table, where Val had begun to chair a meeting. Euan would have been doing this, but Graham had used him as the elephant to demonstrate the relative virtues of Temple of Doom, and he was lying winded on the floor, gasping like a landed fish.

'The problem, I believe, is that this man,' Val indicated S, who looked back at her miserably, 'claims to no longer be omnipotent, and seeks political asylum amongst our people. Is that so, Mr S?'

'Right. And this woman,' he waved a hand at Ruth, 'doesn't believe me and thinks I should be got rid of.'

'Can I say something here?' Ruth put her hand up.

Val nodded.

'I'd want him got rid of even if he wasn't omnipotent!' She folded her arms and stuck her tongue out at him.

'I think there's a perfectly reasonable way of determining whether or not he's still the same person he used to be,' Ksenia remarked, from her position at the other end of the table.

All heads turned to the small blonde scientist. She hadn't said much for a while, and people had sort of forgotten her unique genius.[3]

'What do you mean, you can tell?' asked Val.

'It's perfectly easy. Last time we ran into this guy, he dimensionally twisted the Compromise. That means that, in order to manipulate such a twist, he must be dimensionally transcendental.'

'Like the TARDIS,' Ratbat remarked.

Ksenia didn't quite get the reference, and let it largely pass her by. 'Well, yes, if you want to use such a ridiculous example. Thi--'

'He's bigger on the inside than the outside?' prompted Ratbat.

'What?' asked an irritated Ksenia.

'That's what "dimensionally transcendental" means.'

Ksenia blinked slowly. 'No it doesn't. It means that he transcends dimensions.'

'Feh. Technically, yes, but it's one of those words that, like, doesn't really mean what it means. There's 'eaps of ones like that.'

'Like what?'

Of course, the best way to clear someone's mind of a topic is to ask them for an example regarding it. Ratbat fell silent.

Ksenia continued. 'This means that a simple tricorder reading should determine if what he said was true.'

The assembled crew, plus S, stared at her.

'It's that simple?' Ruth asked incredulously.

The scientist nodded. 'Would you like me to do it?'

'Yes!' was the chorused reply.

In a completely unruffled manner, Ksenia took out her tricorder and scanned S, in a leisurely way. She frowned at the readout, and tapped it a few times. 'Hmm. Extraordinary.'

'What do you mean?' Ratbat asked curiously, peering at the tricorder and trying to pretend she knew what it was about.

'That's a toupeé he's wearing. Unbelievable.'

S went red and clutched at his hair, as everyone turned to gawk at him. 'It's because I wanted a change of colour! Honest!' he squeaked.

'What I don't understand,' Ksenia went on, 'Is why he chose such an unattractive one.'

S looked indignant. 'I beg your pardon! I chose this out of thousands!'

'Thousands of what? Ferrets or sporrans?' asked Euan, amusing as ever.

'Well is he human or not?' Ruth bellowed.

'Oh yes. Completely mortal,' Ksenia said.

'Great!' Ruth seized an enormous phaser out of nowhere and levelled it at S, who stood trying to look as small as possible.

'Wait! Lieutenant Crabb, stop that immediately!' Val snapped her fingers and Suzy ran over to Ruth and grabbed the phaser while she was off guard. This did very little; she just pulled out another one from an equally baffling place.

'Look, Ruth, it's not nice to shoot someone when they've just requested political asylum. We have to be nice and not hurt him. Well, at least till Starfleet work out what to do with him.' Val waved her hand, and Suzy passed her another Bloody Mary.

Ruth sulked. 'OK. Crabb to Security!' She punched her badge. 'Send one of my new Ensines to the phaser range for important target practise.'

Personal log again. Well, that stupid sod got his political asylum. I don't know what the Starfleeters are going to do with him. Make him ambassador to the Klingon Homeworld, I hope, and see how long he lasts. Anyway, Euan and Val are on subspace to Starfleet command right now. Don't know why they bother, really. It's not as if we ever actually do anything Starfleet tell us.

Anyway, Bobbi's going to come around and look at all Brooke's baby photos. This is going to be really nice. I kind of like having another mother on the ship. Ratbat doesn't count, and she's pissing Bobbi off no end. I can't understand this obsession she's got with being pregnant. Every time something even remotely interesting happens to Bobbi, she's there with a camera and notebook, and won't go away till you drag her.

The door chime beeped. 'End entry,' Terri said to the computer. 'Come in.'

Bobbi, rather ungainly in her expectant state, squeezed through the door. 'I can't believe I'm so huge,' she remarked, sitting down on the bed to puff.

Terri patted the large bulge in Bobbi's midriff. 'Well, you're not exactly only a one-seater, are you?'

Bobbi grinned at this absurd metaphor. It was painfully true, though. She was only five months pregnant, but carrying quads as she was, she looked like she was full-term for a single. She despaired over later months. 'Whatever. Let's have a look at these photos.'

Terri smiled and seized her photo album. 'Are you really keen to see them?'

'Well, to be perfectly honest, I'm only doing it to annoy Ratbat. She hasn't left me alone for five months, and it's beginning to get to me. I knew if I came to look at baby photos she'd bugger off. You know how she gets, after the business with Anja.'

'Mm.' Terri sighed at the unpleasant memory. 'Anyway, so long as you're here....' She plonked the album down on the small part of Bobbi's lap that was available. 'This is me going into labour....'

Val sat in Euan's chair in the ready room. 'Very well, Admiral Page, we'll get him official Starfleet membership as soon as we can get to a registered Starbase, then he can go into the diplomatic corps. OK with you?'

'No problem, Val. Thanks for everything.' He ended the connection.

Euan, who was sulking in the corner, glanced over at her, and stuck his tongue out.

'Oh, for goodness' sake! Grow up a bit! You would have pissed him off and we'd have got nothing done.'

He continued to glare at her in stony silence.

'Oh, all right, you can do the talking next time we have to call up Starfleet, happy?' Val sauntered out the door, where Suzy was waiting for her.

Euan sat down in his chair, fishing a few small action figures out from behind the seat cushion. 'Blam, blam,' he muttered vaguely, making one of the GI Joes fall victim to the Tick.

The communications panel gave a bleep. 'Bowen here,' he said, tapping it.

'Bowen here as well. How's things, son?' The Admiral's cheery face appeared on the screen.

'Not bad. Val's trying to steal my job, S has turned up again, Geoff hates me, and we've run out of Wild Turkey honey liqueur.'

'Same as always, then?'

'Pretty much.'

Len grinned. 'Listen, about this Continuum guy. I've just read Admiral Page's brief, and I think we've got a problem. The point with these bastards is that you can never tell what they're going to be up to from one day to the next. I think it's best if we set him off at the nearest redneck pub and watch him get the shit kicked out of him.'

Euan frowned. 'Well, that's an attractive idea, certainly, but...' He paused. 'I'm not sure it's right...'

'It is, Euan, believe me.'

'Thing is, Dad, we've just got instructions from Geoffie to drop him off at the nearest starbase so he can join the Diplomatic corps.'

'Oh yeah, brilliant idea, there. Can you imagine this Johnny with Lwaxana Troi?'

Euan shuddered at the memory of the Betazoid woman. 'Er. Pretty nasty, I agree.'

'So you'll get rid of him?'

'If you like. I can't say I'm that in love with the guy myself, but Val seems to have taken a shine to him. Oh well, she's one for obeying orders, so I'll just tell her you've changed your minds.'

'Er...' The Admiral's normally cheerful[4] face frowned for a second. 'Best not mention it to her.'

'OK, whatever.'

Len's face disappeared.

Euan sat back, swivelling his chair for a minute. I've made a decision, he thought. Why don't I feel right?

Because it was the wrong bloody decision, you idiot, his conscience remarked.

Shut up, you. I've had enough voices in my head for one lifetime, thank you very much.

He sighed. No matter what he told himself, he couldn't shake off the feeling that there was still something wrong.

'.....and this is the umbilical cord, only you can't see it properly because of all the blood....'

Bobbi had gone rather pale. Not even Ratbat's many books and posters on the subject of pregnancy and birth had been this explicit. 'Er. I think I. Um.' She paused. 'Bye!' She got up and waddled at high speed out the door.

Terri sighed.

Another supplemental. Everyone's being difficult today. Bobbi's just walked out in the middle of my photos. Could she be pre-menstrual perhaps? Hmm. Thinking about it, actually, given the current state of affairs, Bobbi's about five months pre-menstrual, and it's not likely to be affecting her too much. Or maybe it is. I dunno, when I was pregnant it was such a confused affair anyway, I was never certain what was my hormones going ballistic and what was the world being a genuinely shitty place. Perhaps it was a mixture of both. Maybe not.

It's not fair. Life was a lot nicer before the stupid ex-omnipote turned up. All right, I know, if I look at the situation logically, I have to admit that his arrival and me being in such a bad mood are probably not related incidents. It might be logically right, but it doesn't make me feel any better, so to hell with logic. I'm going to be damned pissed off and so there to the rest of the world. I'm gonna be grumpy and miserable and be upset because noone understands me, and by gods, I'm going to enjoy it.

Terri, satisfied that she'd made a decision about being miserable, threw herself back on her bed, and tried to feel downright awful. It wasn't as much fun as she'd hoped. Still, if you're going to be disconsolate, she concluded,[5] complaining about it to someone sympathetic was fun, so she put her photo album back on the bookshelf, and wandered off to the bar.

Compromise Blues - Tony Marziano and Leila Fetter

The bar was half empty, those few individuals who were braving the duet being put on by Leila and Tony mostly crying vaguely into their beer.

'My baby has left me. He's gone away,' Leila sang morosely.

'My pet chihuahua bit off my hand,' she sang.

'And I just got hit in the head with a bag of sand!' he concluded.

Terri sat down at a table and tried to ignore the lyrics.

'I didn't eat breakfast: the baked beans were off.
And my pet goldfish contracted a cough.
I visited a nuclear power station and got leukaemia,[6]
And now I'm starting to feel really, really, really BLUE!'[7]

She sighed and ordered a drink. Emma, never one to butt in where she wasn't wanted, plonked it down in front of her, gave her an empty smile, and wandered off.

Sitting in a bar, all by herself, mellow blues drifting over her, with this melancholy frame of mind, Terri couldn't help feeling just a little bit stupid. Perhaps it was the ridiculous song lyrics, but depression and world-weariness didn't fit into the Compromise.

She glanced up as the bar door opened. Speaking of things that didn't fit into the Compromise, S was wandering in looking extremely uncomfortable.

'I was kidnapped by terrorists - they were the Marquis.
And then those nasty Borg guys tried to assimilate me.
When I thought things were bad enough, I was fired from work,
And then I got hit on by that damn Captain Kirk!'

Unable to maintain even a vague pretence at singing a serious song, Leila and Tony broke down and had a hysterical laughing fit.

S glanced around the bar, coughed and straightened his uniform, and went over to join the conn officer. She glared at him as he approached her table.

'Um. Look, I just wanted to say that I was sorry.'

Her glare remained unchanged. 'Sorry?'

He sat down. 'Um. You see, I didn't want to materialise in your room, it just happened like that, and I'm just glad I didn't catch you without your clothes on. I mean, not that I wouldn't want to catch you without your clothes on. Not that I would, I mean. I just. Um.'

There was silence.

Terri finally raised an eyebrow and snorted. 'Oh, fine. I don't care. Catch me clothed or nude, it's all the same to me.'

He patted her arm sympathetically. 'Are you having problems?'

She shook her arm free. 'No I'm perfectly all right. Go away.' She cupped her chin in her hand and stared at him with an expression of ferocious displeasure.

S crossed his legs in a rather defensive gesture. 'I really don't think you should bottle it up like this. Not that I'm a counsellor or anything, but I've seen every episode of Days of Our Lives, and I've seen any number of mid-life crisises. Crisesisies. Crisisesises.' He paused. 'Crises? That sounds better.'

Terri glared at him even more fiercely than before. 'Mid-life crisis? I'm too young to have a mid-life crisis! I'm in the prime of life! I'm....' she trailed off. 'I'm nearly five hundred years old. Bloody hell.' She slumped down with her head in her hands. 'How the hell did I get this old?'

He patted her sympathetically again. This time she didn't shy away.

'I can't understand my life,' she exploded. 'The last time I fell in love, she went and died on me, my only daughter has her own life now, and I'm all alone except for all these guys! I mean, you can understand me being just a little bit frustrated!'

S gave her a long, patient look. 'How long is it since you've had any?'

She burst into tears.

Seeing the plight of her friend, Leila ran over from where she and Tony were trying to discover a new chord and embraced Terri. 'What did you do to her?'

'Nothing! I didn't touch her!'

'Mm. Maybe that's the problem.'

Terri raised her head from the counsellor's shoulder and hit her with the nearest bottle.

Pretty soon, the usual brawl had started. Emma, behind the bar, exchanged a glance with S, who was taking cover behind an upturned table. 'I hate this crew sometimes,' she remarked brightly.

Euan sat in his chair, writing up characters for the annual Command Crew Elric game. Sitting, wondering idly whether or not to make someone a Chaos-worshipper, he was rather surprised when the comm system beeped with the third communication from Starfleet for that day.

'Captain Bowen, where the hell have you got to with that S guy?' Geoff glared at him.

Euan dropped his dice all over the floor. 'I....just obeying orders, Admiral.'

'What orders?'

The screen split on two. Admiral Page was shunted to the left, to the right of him appeared Len's face. 'The orders I gave, Geoff. Don't bring my poor brainless boy into this.'

'Oi! I heard that!' Euan went virtually ignored.

'Listen, Bowen, we shouldn't do this. It's a blatant breach of the Prime Directive.'

'Stuff the Prime Directive! You can't even fart without worrying about the Prime Directive! I don't trust this geezer, and I think he could be a very unpleasant experience to any system we assign him to diplomatically.'

'What about the scientific side? Imagine how wonderful it will be for our scientists to get to run real tests on something that is genuinely dimensionally transcendental!'

'He's not bigger on the inside!'

'That isn't the scientific meaning!'

'Science is bullshit!'

'SHUT UP THE PAIR OF YOU!'

Both Admirals stared at the irate Captain.

'Listen, you can't just treat him like he's a new specimen of rock! He's a living, thinking being, and he deserves as much of our diplomatic protection as the Klingons or the Bajorans or the Romulans or anyone. OK, he may have screwed with our lives in the past, but can't we just forget that and try to think of him as a fellow sentient being in a cold and hostile universe? And another thing! Just seeing the pair of you bickering like that is enough to make anyone wonder why we're in Starfleet to begin with! It's disgraceful. You should both be ashamed of yourselves. I wonder why he asked for asylum from us! You'd think there were any number of sensible universes with efficient galactic powers around to set him up somewhere decent. We don't get this kind of opportunity often, so bloody well use it!'

There was a stunned silence.

The pair of admirals looked subdued.

'You're right, of course,' remarked Admiral Page rather apologetically. 'Having one of these guys in our hands for the first time since we heard of them was just a bit much, I think.'

Len was nodding. 'I think you're right too. Take him to the nearest Starbase and let him join the Diplomatic corps. But don't go running tests on him. That'd be too cruel.'

'Well I'm glad we've got that sorted out!' Euan, seizing his Elric sourcebook, swept out of the ready-room.

There was silence for a minute.

'We just got talked down by your son, Len,' said Geoff.

'I know. Scary, isn't it?'

'Mm. Now I see what the Vlastifloorians were so afraid of.'

The security team finally finished restraining the rioters in 10-Foreplay. Emma, standing by the door, smiled happily as she farewelled each person being dragged off to the brig. 'See you later. Do come again. You owe me three strips of latinum, Murphy. Have a nice day...'

Ruth stood talking sternly to Leila. 'I don't think it was a very tactful comment to make.'

Leila, who was shuffling her feet contritely, pulled a face. 'She didn't mind last time I made jokes about it!'

Ruth picked up a rubber mallet that had been left there by Ensign O'brien and Lieutenant Styles[8] and hit her with it. 'Well you made a mistake. Now you've got to lend me that new embroidery pattern of yours.'

The pair, having decided least said soonest mended, wandered off together. 'You're in a good mood,' commented Leila.

Ruth grinned. 'I've got some great new Ensigns. Just finished using one for target practice. And you know what? I think I've improved in my shooting! He only lost one eyebrow.'

Leila grinned. 'Sounds about right. What's his name?'

'Kaiser. Ensign Tom Kaiser.'

Lieutenant Ritherdon frowned. 'Don't I know you?'

'Tom Kaiser. Ensign Kaiser, now.'

'"Kaiser"? What kind of stupid name is that?'

He pouted. 'It means "king" in German. Anyway, it's better than Chaedy. You sound like a type of salad.'

She scowled at him. 'What did you want from me, anyway?'

'I'm new here on the Compromise, and I heard that you're quite good with machines and such. I was wanting a Ruth-proof suit of armour.'

The scowl melted off her face. 'You want one of my inventions?' A delighted grin threatened to remove the top of her head. 'I've got just the thing for you. Come with me...'

As he followed the buxom engineer, Tom reflected on the memory of the phaser beam passing three centimetres away from his nose and removing his eyebrow.

He shivered. Ruth would never get him again, he was going to make sure of that.

Terri sat morosely on her bed, sniffing occasionally. Colleen had come in to comfort her.

'I know she didn't mean it, but it's so difficult not having had any for so long! You can't understand what it's like to go without!'

Colleen thought about this. 'Yes I do. More than you do, actually. I've gone without for three hundred plus years.'

Terri glared at her. 'What about that time when Ace was here?'

'What? We didn't do anything!'

'You didn't? But...I saw you - you were in his room, you had that glow afterwards...' Terri paused. 'You didn't? Are you sure?'

'We weren't married! After marriage, remember? That's what it means! Besides, I think I'd remember if I had, don't you?'

Terri nodded. The first one was always pretty memorable. Then she sighed. 'I guess I'd better say sorry to Leila. She wasn't to know I was feeling down.'

Colleen was, privately, quite shocked. Terri was going to apologise to someone? Maybe this was more serious than she'd thought.

'Um,' she remarked. 'D'you want to go to the movies?'

'What's on?'

'Don't know. We can make it up when we get there, if you like.' The movie-theatre holodeck program was an old favourite with the crew, who were mostly mad theatre-goers. Apart from failing to play anything involving Sophia Loren or Carlo Ponti, the program was faultless in every detail, right down to the popcorn which miraculously materialised under the seats. Euan's theory about popcorn, that it was actually Cinema Dandruff, was scorned by most of the crew, albeit a little uneasily. It could be that he was right, which none of them wanted to think about.

'Let's go, then.' Colleen took Terri's hand.

Terri went to get up. 'Oh, hang on.' She punched her comm badge. 'O'Ferez to Counsellor Fetter.'

'Here, Tel. Look, I'm sorry...'

'It doesn't matter now. Listen, me and Col are going to the movies. D'you want to come?'

'Cool. Holodeck three?'

'As usual,'

The film they eventually decided upon was The First Wives Club, which they followed up by making a trip to the bar. Emma, after checking to see that the plainclothes security team were in place, served the trio with hot chocolates.

'I always loved that film,' Terri remarked, stirring the marshmallow into her drink.

'D'you remember the first time we saw it?' asked Leila.

The three were quiet as they remembered, with nostalgic smiles, the small, poky movie theatre in Canberra, where the audience had consisted entirely of women, and they'd felt completely at home. There was solidarity with all other women, in the film, in the theatre, and in the world.

'Mm. Remember what we decided after that film?' Colleen broke the sentimental silence.

Terri and Leila exchanged slightly guilty glances.

'To always remain together,' she said.

'To respect and love each other as individual women,' Leila added.

'And to never let anything break the friendship, be they man, woman, child or animal,' Terri finished.

There was silence, as Leila and Terri looked shyly at each other. In that look was the equivalent of a thousand words.

'Mm.' Leila coughed. 'I...er. Um. I'm really sorry, Tel. About everything. I guess I just wasn't thinking.'

'I've been a bit touchy lately. I think I over-reacted.'

They hugged.

Colleen looked on with an expression of mild satisfaction.

It had been a good day.

It's been a quiet week here on the Compromise. Admittedly, it could have been better, but I think it's best to be open and upfront when you're pissed off with someone, and then things will fall into place.

We're dropping S off today. It's going to be almost dull without him around. I know it wasn't really him causing everything, but I think it's doubtful it would have all happened at once like that if he hadn't arrived. Maybe everything's designed to work out for the best.

Terri flicked her log off, and stared at the wall. It had been an interesting few days. Maybe now things could get back to their normal situation. As she thought about it, she realised that the kind of events of the last few days had been the normal situation, and felt a little bit stupid. Some things never change, and the crew of the Compromise were one of them.

'Approaching Starbase 42, Captain,' Gosia reported from the conn.

Euan swivelled his chair. 'Hail them, Lieutenant, and tell them the new Diplomat is on his way.' He directed a kindly smile toward S, who was sitting in the corner looking a trifle apprehensive.

'Er, Euan, we're picking up a message on subspace,' Colleen reported.

'On screen.'

The screen flickered for a second, then resolved. A slightly greying man in a Starfleet captain's uniform, not unlike the one S was wearing, appeared.

'Hello, Compromise,' he said. 'You don't know me personally, but I dare say you've heard of me. I am from...I supposed you could call it a colleague group to the S continuum. I am from...the Q.'

S leapt to his feet. 'You scum!'

'Quite.' Q nodded to S, then turned to Euan and, as if the viewer were a mere window, stepped out of the screen and into the bridge proper.[9] 'Look, I must thank you for allowing us to run such a test on you. You have responded very well to our challenge, and we will now take our colleague back. Well done.'

S's face had gone white. 'This was only a test?' he whispered.

'We wished to see how the humans would respond to one of our number being placed amongst them. In order for the experiment to be successful, you had to believe it as well. You are quite free to come back now.'

S gritted his teeth. 'I think, if I may, I'd rather stay where I am.'

'What?'

'You Continuum bastards have screwed me around for quite long enough. I've had it. I want to give this ephemeral business a try.'

'This is most irregular. What is the problem?'

'I've had my try at omnipotence, and I'm really not cut out for it. I want to see if I can't do better at Diplomacy.' He saluted the figure on the screen. 'Keep your all-powerful world, Q. I'm going to live.'

The tall figure was nonplussed for a moment. Normally, this wouldn't be allowed, but...the various continua had more or less brought it on themselves. He then shrugged and vanished.

'But S! You could have gone home! Why did you do that?' asked Euan, aghast.

S looked sad. 'Despite innumerate centuries of existence, I never had such interesting experiences till I became mortal. I think that the Continuum may have more power, but you have more fun. I want to stay the way I am now.'

'But....you do realise that this means that one day you'll die?'

He shrugged. 'It's better to live and then die than to never live at all.'

The screen flickered. 'Starbase 42 to Compromise. We are ready to receive the new recruit.'

Euan looked S in the eye. For the first time since they'd met, he began to feel some respect for him. 'Good luck.'

They shook hands.

'Energise.'

In the end, S was assigned as the diplomatic ambassador to Tharwa.[10] After a long and successful career, he eventually passed away, leaving behind a wife and three children.

The Compromise crew of the era all attended the funeral, and many were surprised to realise that they were heartily sorry to have lost him.

It was Euan who coined the phrase which was eventually carved onto S's tombstone:

The bravest choice of all
was when he chose to live.

© Recycadelic Cacti MCMXCVI