'Not one word of the following is true.'

- Stephen Fry

‘Captain’s log, stardate 0898. The Compromise has been ordered to Starbase 10 in orbit of Crosby XXXII, where Admiral Security will be chairing the matter of Federation Haljor discussions.’

‘Captain’s log addendum, Lieutenant Commander King recording, stardate 56613.7. The Compromise has been ordered to Starbase 32 in orbit of Haljor X, where Admiral Crosby will be chairing a discussion of Federation security matters.’

Ruth Crabb growled at the light on her console. She didn’t like that light - if there was a flashing light on the tactical display, as far as she was concerned, it should be to tell her there was something to shoot at.

‘We’re picking up a signal,’ she announced with a sigh.

Euan looked around. ‘Really? Who from?’

‘Not sure…’ she said. ‘But it’s one of our lot. An NSF distress signal.’

Carmen read her own display. ‘I’ve got it,’ she said. ‘It’s from an M-class planet, bearing 47 mark 302.’

Euan considered. Or, more to the point, he rubbed his chin while he tried to work out what she meant. ‘How close are we?’

‘Fifteen minutes at warp seven.’

‘Are there any other NSF ships around?’

Ratbat checked. ‘The Sun Hill - six days away.’

‘Fair enough.’ Euan folded his hands. ‘They can handle it, we’d better get to the starbase.’

Ratbat gave him a look. ‘Someone give this boy a talk about prioritising,’ she said. ‘Sam, lay in a course to the planet.’

Nurse Stephens shivered slightly. The climate in sickbay was ideally suited to the wearing of full-length, insulated, Starfleet uniforms, and therefore slightly less friendly as pieces of said uniform were separated from the body.

‘Graham,’ she complained, ‘do we have to play the strip version of this game?’

Nurse Wylie looked at her. ‘Come on, Sil,’ she said, ‘even I know that strip poker has a long, rich history, dating back to…well, as soon as people had invented both cards and buttonholes.’

‘I know,’ nodded Sil. ‘But…strip snakes ‘n’ ladders?’

Graham waggled a finger at her. ‘No need for such scorn, Miss Sil. It’s games like this that made the Compromise crew what it is today.’

‘What?’ ventured Nurse M^cMillan. ‘Cold?’

‘I’m just not sure I understand the rules,’ Nurse M^cCulloch scowled. ‘OK - we go down a snake, we take something off, that makes sense. We go up a ladder, we take something off…all right, that’s a bit odd, but it makes a kind of sense. The part I don’t understand is…why doesn’t Graham have to?’

‘That’s not part of the rules,’ put in Nurse M^cMillan.

‘That’s a modification we put in for our own sanity,’ added her sister.

Graham snorted. ‘I’ll try not to take that personally.’

Sil stuck her tongue out at him. ‘Then we’ll have to come up with something nastier,’ she provided.

Graham sulked. ‘Cruk off. Besides, that’s a snake you landed on. Cough up.’

There was a boop, followed by Ratbat’s voice. ‘Sickbay from bridge.’

‘Graham here. Talk to me, Ratti.’

‘Right.’ He turned to his Angels. ‘Nicole, you’re with me.’

He strode out of sickbay. Nicole grabbed a uniform and trotted off after him.

Five columns of blue light resolved themselves into the forms of Ratbat, Ruth, Nicole, Graham and Nick.

Ratbat was barely suppressing bursting into laughter as she looked Nicole over.

‘I know,’ Nicole said, rolling her eyes.

‘So…ye do know Starfleet uniforms aren’t one size fits all, right?’

‘I know,’ repeated Nicole.

‘Yet when you grabbed something to wear when leaving sickbay, you took the threads of one Nurse M^cMillan.’

‘I know…’

‘A woman who is vastly different from you in height…’

‘I know.’

‘…and almost as much going across. Yet--’

Nick held up a hand. ‘Shoosh, guys.’ He gestured with his tricorder. ‘Over this hill.’

Graham shook his head. ‘You know, I don’t think I’ve ever been called to a spaceship crash where we didn’t touch down on the other side of the hill to the crash site itself.’

Ruth shrugged. ‘Maybe transporter operators have a sense of mystery.’

‘Hey, if you were stuck in a little room all day you’d wanna do something to pass the time, too,’ put in Nick.[1]

The five of them wandered down to the remains of the vessel. It was, or at least it had been, a runabout. Gaining entry was somewhat difficult, given that the ship had ploughed its own topside into the ground.

‘I’m not getting any life-signs,’ called Ruth.

‘You wouldn’t.’ Nicole clambered out of the runabout once more. ‘One Bolian, one Bajoran. Both dead.’

‘You sure?’ asked Graham. ‘The radiation leak from the coils could be fucking around with the tricorder.’

‘Oh, pretty sure. Considering that the Bajoran is in lots of little pieces. Oh, the Bolian is in one piece, but it’s one long gooey piece.’

‘Glad I had breakfast before I came,’ muttered Nick.

‘Hey!’ Ruth piped up. ‘Life-sign just came into short-range.’ She paused. ‘Artificial life-sign,’ she frowned.

‘A robot?’

‘You bet.’ Ruth looked up from her tricorder, readying her phaser with her free hand. ‘And you should be able to see them coming up…there.’

Everyone followed her finger as she turned and pointed. A shape appeared in the distance. As the figure came closer, they recognised first the battered Starfleet uniform, then the face of the being wearing it. Their old colleague and second officer of the USS Enterprise, Lieutenant Commander Data.

‘I assure you,’ Data told Nick and Graham as they checked him over. ‘My self-diagnosis has detected no quantifiable damage.’

‘Just want to see how you are,’ replied Nick, flipping the android’s head panel closed.

‘And how am I?’

Graham looked at his tricorder. ‘No quantifiable damage,’ he grunted.

‘Then I am glad we concur.’ Data swung around on the bio-bed as Euan entered sickbay.

‘Data,’ Euan greeted him, shaking his hand. ‘I haven’t seen you in a while.’

‘Likewise,’ acknowledged Data. ‘Thank you for your assistance.’

Euan shrugged. ‘Well, as soon as we heard a distress call, we naturally told the Admiral she’d just have to wait and I gave the order to warp right over.’ He felt Nick and Graham’s eyes on him. ‘Well, more or less.’

‘I guess you’ll be wanting to get back to the Enterprise,’ said Nick. ‘Now that we know you’re OK, we can give ‘em a call.’

‘Actually,’ said Data, ‘it would be preferable if you did not.’

Nick and Graham exchanged glances.

‘Well, why not?’ asked Graham. ‘Did Dr Crusher catch you in her private equipment store? I remember when Emma the Techie and I got in there, she was so pissed off. I mean, she could hardly report it, not without letting on--’

Data held up a hand. ‘The situation is not like that. However, Captain - I would like to speak with you and your command element in the observation lounge.’

Moments later, Ratbat and Carmen were waiting in said observation lounge.

‘I wonder why Data said not to contact the Enterprise?’ wondered Carmen.

Ratbat shrugged. ‘Maybe everyone on the big E couldn’t put up with him anymore.’

‘Oh, come on, he’s not that annoying.’

‘Aye, but he’s a work hazard. I mean, ye know all the stories from the Enterprise. How often was it that Data got taken over, or remote-controlled, or reprogrammed…or he malfunctioned and tried to kill everyone, or his evil twin brother turned up, or he went strange in the middle of a mission to find out about being human--’

‘Mm.’ Carmen nodded. ‘Hang on, ssh - he’s coming.’

Sure enough, the door hissed open and Euan and Data entered. As they sat down, Ratbat asked, ‘So, what’s the SP?’

Data and Euan took their seats. ‘Data’s already asked me to send a message to Admiral Crosby, saying we can’t make it.’

‘And did you do it?’ prompted Carmen.

Euan looked hurt. ‘Yes,’ he said in a small voice.

‘Really?’

‘Yes,’ Euan said again.

‘So, say if I went onto the bridge now and asked Ruth if she’d opened communications to Starbase 32 just now, she’d say yes?’

‘Lieutenant Commander King,’ scolded Ratbat. ‘You couldnae possibly be implying that Euan’s fibbing and plans to go back and do it later, could you?’

Euan cringed. ‘Excuse me…’ he said, sidling towards the door. ‘I just have to…um, check something. On the bridge. Uh, the bridge. Where there are loads of ship things. Not just Ruth. But I might see her there anyway. So if she says I talked to her, it’s because-- Oh, start without me.’ And with that, he was gone.

Carmen sighed and shook her head. ‘Start without him,’ she repeated. ‘Data?’

Data nodded. ‘Captain Picard and the Enterprise crew believe I am aiding in a deep-space surveying mission for a group from the Telopea Colonies. However, this is not the case. Before I proceed, I must request that the two of you - and Captain Bowen - treat what I tell you in the strictest confidence.’ The other two nodded. ‘In actuality, I have received a special clandestine assignment from a Federation special operations group. Is either of you familiar with the Dominion?’

‘Aye, Dominion Films, they used to work out of Canberra. "Hard-core porn at a soft-core price".’

‘Ratti!’ Carmen hissed.

‘What, they were good enough to sign your paycheque for a year and a half!’

‘Hey!’ Carmen shot at her. ‘Really, Data, I was only a secretary, I worked in distribution, I swear…’

Data cocked his head to one side for a moment. ‘I do not believe that firm is connected to the organisation we are concerned with today. However, it is not impossible.’

The door opened once more, and Euan slipped his way back in.

‘Did ye get Ruth to do the thing?’ asked Ratbat.

‘Yes. I mean-- crap!’

‘If we may continue,’ pressed Data. ‘I will assume that you do in fact know of the Dominion, and therefore you also know of the Jem’Hadar.’

‘The muscle? Och yeah.’

Data nodded. ‘The only way to ensure their loyalty to the Dominion was the breed them with an addiction to a substance known as ketracel-white, which was administered to them by the Vorta and the Founders.’

‘Addicted?’ asked Carmen. ‘Are we talking addicted as in cupcakes, or addicted as in heroin?’

Data cocked his head at her. ‘Addicted as in oxygen.’

‘Ooh.’

‘Kind of like Australian people and beer,’ offered Ratbat.

‘I am quite serious,’ Data told her. ‘Without a regular dosage of ketracel-white, a Jem’Hadar will die a grotesque and painful death.’

Carmen nodded in consensus. ‘Kind of like Australian people and beer.’

Fortunately, Data’s patience subroutine had been adapted from a 21^st-century Apple Macintosh, so it could take quite a while to run its course. ‘Most of the foundries which synthesised the white have been destroyed. As a result, Jem’Hadar everywhere are comatose; dead or dying. However, one such foundry remains. The Founders meant it to be an emergency reserve, hence there was little about it in day-to-day intelligence reports. Starfleet Intelligence recently learnt of its existence. If anyone were to locate and seize this foundry…’

‘…then any remaining Jem’Hadar would be eating out of their hands. Literally,’ said Ratbat.

Carmen leaned forward. ‘So this would be a case of better the devil we know? The Federation gets ahold of it so that no-one else does?’

‘In a manner of speaking,’ nodded Data, ‘though due to the nature of this mission, very few personnel have been told of the existence of the foundry, let alone the mission itself. It is for this reason that I can’t contact the Enterprise.’

‘Ah,’ nodded Ratbat. ‘So this li’l job wouldnae be entirely…official?’

‘It would be true to say that it will not be appearing on my standard service record.’ Data appeared to think for a moment, but the humans knew that he was just doing that for their benefit. He turned to Euan. ‘Captain - as both yourself and your first officer outrank me - and I cannot, for the moment, reveal precisely whose instructions I am operating on - I can only request your ship’s involvement in this endeavour. Will you assist me?’

Euan, Ratbat, Carmen and Data emerged onto the bridge. ‘Mr Ogborn,’ he said. ‘Set a course for the Schulz-Kane Cluster, maximum warp.’

Sam IV blinked. ‘The where? That’s--’

‘Right on the edge of Cardassian space. Yes, I know. You have your orders, Lieutenant.’ Euan sat in his chair and tried to look serious. He sadly knew that it wasn’t going to last long, as he really needed to go wee-wees.

Sam sighed and set about keying in the course. ‘Ratti,’ he beckoned as the first officer walked by.

Ratbat leant in next to Sam’s chair. ‘Aye?’

‘What’s with Euan? Why’s he doing his stupid "Captain of the Starship" act?’

‘Och,’ said Ratbat in a low voice. ‘Ye know how he gets sometimes.’

‘Yeah, but what’s it all about this time? Is he out to impress Data?’

‘Hm. Maybe. Well…we canna really say everything, but this time he’s actually kinda justified in doing it.’

Sam watched her return to her seat. ‘Justified,’ he muttered as he set the course. ‘Crap, that means it’ll be even more unbearable.’

Back in the observation lounge, a panel popped open from the wall and a figure of black, gold and grey tumbled out. ‘All right,’ Dianne said to herself, ‘now I know two things. The comm systems on deck one work fine, and we’re going on a big secret mission.’ She thought for a moment. And only Euan, Ratti and Carmen have to keep it secret. Yeah, I’d say some more of the crew should know about this.

Carmen exited the lift onto deck 10 to find Leila slipping into her wake.

‘Is it true?’ the counsellor prompted.

The second officer rolled her eyes. ‘No, it’s not true - I was just tired, and I just happened to go to sleep in the wrong quarters by mistake.’

Leila scowled. ‘Not that. (Besides which, I don’t believe you and neither does Jared.) The Dominion thing.’

Carmen stopped short. ‘What? How did you know about that?’

‘Umm…Lieutenant Khoo told me.’

Carmen shook her head. ‘So how did Lieutenant Khoo know about it?’

‘Well, she said she heard it from Lieutenant Platen, who apparently heard it from Ensign Kaiser, and he heard about it from Lieutenant Colquhoun…I think Ensign Benson told her…’

‘All right, all right… Fuck me, the only thing that travels faster than warp 10 is gossip. Yes, it’s true.’

‘But…won’t that be really dangerous?’

‘Probably.’

‘Then can’t we take a vote on it or something?’

‘Just because it’s dangerous? Come on, why would you have joined Starfleet if you weren’t planning on facing anything dangerous?’

‘Oh. Actually I joined Starfleet because all my friends did and I didn’t want to feel left out.’

The android called Data returned to cargo bay 2. The Compromise crew had salvaged what was left of the crashed runabout, the Krysti Myst, and brought it here. Equipment vital to his mission was still aboard.

If he had been traditionally disposed to such feelings, he might have found it unpleasant, not telling the Compromise crew the full details of his mission. Some might have said that such were the sort of things they deserved to know. However, given the true nature of his contact with Starfleet Intelligence, he had probably told them more than enough already. And being the android that he was, those were not feelings he was traditionally disposed to. He would simply divulge further information when, and if, his current shipmates required it.

Until then, however, he had work to do.

The engineer called Nick pressed the button by the door, and waited for it to open.

Seeing as he’d never had to actually wait for this door to open, he guessed that something was up. And anyway, it still wasn’t open. He tried again, with similar results.

‘Computer? Why won’t the door from engineering to cargo bay 2 open?’

‘Unseal it, then.’

Nick sighed. ‘Akhurst, Lieutenant Nicholas Paul, clearance code supermodel 0218 shoelace tyre-iron.’

‘What? Look, I’m the chief engineer around this place! People can’t go locking doors here that I can’t open!’ Bereft of anything better to do, he pounded on the door with his fist. The door opened a small way, and Data’s head popped out.

‘Can I help you, Lieutenant?’

‘You can let me into the cargo bay.’

Data frowned. ‘I cannot.’

‘What d’you mean? What’re you doing in there?’

‘I am building something.’

‘Building what? Look, my beer-bottle collection’s in there!’

‘Then I will endeavour not to damage it.’

Nick was left to fume as the door shut in his face.

At one of 10-Foreplay’s tables, Ratbat was showing Euan a padd. ‘Look, reprogrammed gets you double, and it’s three for two on either evil twin or malfunction.’

Graham peered over Euan’s shoulder. ‘Nothing on human self-discovery?’

‘Too easy. Had to strike that one off.’

‘Anything other bets?’

As Ratbat passed the padd to Graham, Euan remarked, ‘You’re not really showing a lot of respect.’

‘Don’t have to. I’m only the executive officer. If I’m out of order, it’s the captain that has to apologise for me.’

‘Oh, goody.’

Carmen came over and dropped herself onto the remaining chair. ‘What’s going on around here? Weren’t we supposed to be the only people who knew about this?’

‘Knew about what?’ asked Graham.

Euan shrugged. ‘So I thought. Until Val asked me why she hadn’t been consulted.’

‘What?’ went on Graham. ‘Why would we consult her? What about?’

Carmen nodded. ‘Leila was asking me about it on the way here. Then just now, when I was placing my order, Emma the Klingon brought it up.’

‘Brought what up?’ spluttered Graham. ‘Come on, there can’t be something happening that I don’t know about…’

Lieutenant Ashcroft approached, placing a plate of food before Carmen. ‘Yours, I believe,’ John said. He paused for a moment, then added, ‘What’s this I hear about the Dominion?’

‘What?’ asked Graham. ‘What about the Dominion?’

Ratbat shrugged. ‘Seems to be all over the ship.’

‘Not all over,’ squeaked Graham. ‘Tell me!’

‘So who told everyone?’ wondered Carmen.

‘Told everyone about what?’ This time Graham’s plaintive cry was matched by a less distressed one from Dianne as she passed the table.

‘The Dominion thing,’ sighed Carmen.

‘And,’ began Graham, ‘while we’re on that subject--’

‘Ah,’ blushed Dianne. ‘I think that might kinda have been me. I sort of…overheard you in the observation lounge.’

‘All right for some,’ lamented Graham.

‘I mean, I realised pretty soon that maybe I shouldn’t tell anyone. After all, I’d only told one person by then…’

‘Oh. Well, one person, I guess that’s not such a…’ Carmen trailed off. ‘It was Noomy, wasn’t it?’

‘Wait,’ piped up Graham. ‘So Noomy knew about whatever this is and I didn’t?’

‘Apparently,’ Ratbat told him, then continued to Carmen and Euan. ‘So there’s really no point even trying to tell those who know to keep it quiet?’

‘OK,’ said Graham, ‘since they’re not--’

‘It’s all good; it won’t have got off the Compromise yet.’

‘Why won’t it have got off the Compromise?’ asked Graham.

Dianne flipped an expository hand. ‘Long-range communications just went down.’ Great, she would answer the one question he’d asked that he cared least about. ‘Which is probably just as well, seeing as apparently no-one on this bloody ship can keep a secret.’

‘Bloody hell,’ said Carmen, forsaking the remainder of her food. ‘We don’t want to be trying to do this’ (‘Doing what?’) ‘and not be able to call any backup.’ She got up, beckoning to her fellow officers. ‘Come on, we’d better take care of this.’

As he followed the others from the room, Graham heard Euan start to protest, ‘Actually, I’m the captain, you’re not really supposed to tell me to…’

‘Hey!’ called Graham. ‘What’s actually going on?

‘Guys?’

The preparations in cargo bay 2 were complete, and with little time to spare. Lieutenant Akhurst had been decidedly biological in his opinion of continued isolation from his collected receptacles. Unfortunately for the chief engineer, however, his satisfaction was scarcely of highest priority.

The turbolift stopped for a moment, and Nurse Stephens boarded.

‘Lieutenant.’

‘Data.’ Sil paused. ‘Data, can I ask you a question?’

Data shook his head. ‘I am sorry, Lieutenant, but I cannot discuss my reasons for requesting the Compromise’s course change.’

‘Oh, that’s the Dominion! I know all about that!’

‘Lieutenant?’

‘Well, I heard it from Siobhan who says that Eliane told her who reckons that she overheard Benos...oh.’ She lowered her voice. ‘I’m not really supposed to know about the Dominion, am I?’

Data shook his head. ‘It is all right, Lieutenant. I believe the transgression may have taken place before the information reached you.’

‘Anyway, that wasn’t my question. It’s just that...well, I heard some stories from the Enterprise about you...’ She played her fingers together. ‘Is it true about your endowment?’

Data’s head twitched slightly. ‘Lieutenant?’

‘Please, it’s "Sil".’

‘Sil. I--’

‘I mean, you’re not like a Ken doll in that department or anything, right?’

‘I am incapable of sexual reproduction, if that is your question.’

Sil shook her head. ‘Yeahh...but you are capable of going through the motions, right?’

Data frowned slightly as he considered. ‘I am...fully functional in that respect,’ he concluded. ‘But...’

‘So how big is it?’ Sil asked suddenly.

The lift slowed to a halt. ‘This is my floor,’ announced Data hurriedly.

Data got out, Dianne got in.

‘Y’know,’ Sil said to her, ‘for a highly-advanced almost-one-of-his-kind forty-year-old android, Data just has trouble taking a hint.’

Data, meanwhile, had caught up with Carmen in the corridor.

‘Commander King,’ Data hailed her.

‘Data. What’s up?’

‘Commander,’ he admonished her. ‘The people aboard this ship seem to have made a habit of compulsively passing on information of a highly confidential nature.’

‘Ah. Well. Yes, well, they’ll do that...’

‘Also, in the turbolift just now, Nurse Stephens was asking me questions that are inappropriate for a senior officer. Questions of a highly direct and personal nature.’

‘Well...’ Carmen said again. ‘Data, you just never had anyone with a background in theatre on the Enterprise, did you?’

Gul Pekrat wondered for the tenth time today, and the four hundred and seventieth time this tour, who in the Central Command he had annoyed to get this assignment. He didn’t recall questioning any orders or seducing any daughters lately, so it had to have been someone who just plain didn’t like him. Sadly, after all the questioned orders and seduced daughters, that list was now rather long.

Cardassians, unlike their sometime-enemies the Klingons, don’t, as a rule, seek out glory or adventure above all. Which was all well for the Gallitepp’s tour, for it offered the chance for neither. Sadly, nor did it offer vague excitement or even simple diversion. Good old-fashioned laziness was similarly off, due to the Gallitepp’s facilities making it only slightly more comfortable than the average bivouac.

The idea was to patrol the area the Federation called Schulz-Kane Cluster. (A pathetic name, the Cardassian appellation, Kane-Schulz Cluster, being far more elegant.) Back when there had been a Dominion to worry about, this made it a dangerous assignment that only the most proven of warships might handle. These days, it was simply some stars that were too far from anyone to care about, and some planets that maybe had some elk on them or something.

Pekrat looked up as the computer buzzed something at him. The proximity alarm. Space junk, most likely. But he had to check, if only because walking over to the console and pushing some buttons would pass another few minutes of this interminable tour.

He was a bit surprised at what the viewer showed him coming into sensor range.

It was certainly in space, and some might call it junk, but the thing was huge, bright pink and technically known as a starship.

In a shuttlebay aboard said huge pink junky starship, Sam fussed over the controls of the shuttlecraft Powers while Nick sat in the aft and programmed the machinery from the padd Data had given him. It was probably fairly accurate: Unlike many of the other Evil Bunnies on board, he was far too responsible to drink on duty, so he’d made sure that he’d finished all his beer right before he began.

‘Nine and a half years in Starfleet and I’m a bloody typist,’ he complained.

‘I take it you’re not a big fan of Commander Data, then?’ Sam responded.

‘Ya reckon?’

‘You normally get on so well with robots.’

Nick wondered if it was supposed to be a sarcastic comment, but realised that there was no way that Sam could have known about him and Jared and the Brotheltron 3000. ‘It’s not a robot thing. It’s a bloody Enterprise thing. Just ‘cos Data’s from the Enterprise, he reckons he can come on board and nick our cargo bays and give us all orders regardless of bloody rank.’

‘Um…he does outrank both of us, you know.’

‘Not the point.’ Nick jabbed at him with the padd. ‘Now that the Enterprise is the fucking fleet flagship again, they all think they’re King Turd of the Shitheap.’

‘And all this has nothing to do with Data not letting you into the cargo bay to look at your beer bottles, right?’

‘Ah, you shut up. I’m bigger than you.’

‘Just.’

Data stuck his head through the open hatch. ‘Gentlemen,’ he greeted them. ‘How are you proceeding?’

‘Just about finished,’ replied Sam.

‘Mm,’ added Nick.

‘Excellent. Then let us prepare for launch. The Compromise has just engaged the Cardassian vessel.’

Val faced off the three-dimensional image of the gul known as Pekrat, her diplomatic settings turned up to full. Suzy had guessed that whoever was flying that Morris Minor of a starship probably wasn’t much of a somebody in the Cardassian military, and that the sight of an elegant Federation woman in full Starfleet dress uniform might intimidate them into letting the Compromise pass with a minimum of fuss.

She had been half-right: Pekrat has already reflected on his lack of status, but it was so much that he’d never even seen an NSF dress uniform and for all he knew Val was in her jogging sweats.

‘I’m sure you’re all fascinating company…for humans,’ Pekrat told her. ‘But sadly we can’t continue our little tête-à-tête. The United College Federation being what it is, I’m sure you must be here out of navigational error. I can’t imagine that you’d knowingly violate Cardassian space.’

‘I don’t think so, Gul,’ returned Val. ‘In fact, if I read my star map correctly, this system marks the very edge of your territory. From the Compromise’s current position, we’re still in open space.’

In layman’s terms, thought Suzy, Is this bugging you? I’m not touching you! Nyah-nyah!

‘True,’ nodded Pekrat. ‘And, so if you plan to simply stay where you are, and not try to beam down, land, or in any other way interact with any of the planets in this system, then I’m sure we’ll all get along just fine.’

‘And launch…now,’ Data told Sam.

Of course, as far as Pekrat personally was concerned, the Compromise could wrap a huge chain around the planet of their choice and putter on out of there. It was disgustingly like the Ferengi, to keep holding onto this space simply so no-one else would have it.

‘Then, if that’s all you have to say for yourself--’ began the Federation diplomat. She was cut short as a member of the Gallitepp crew[2] called to Pekrat.

‘Sir! The Compromise, it’s launching something! It’s a shuttle!’

‘What? Show me!’

‘There, Gul - its impulse engine’s flaring, and it’s venting plasma.’

Pekrat snapped his head from the tactical panel back to the main screen. ‘Do you think I’m stupid?’ The diplomat said nothing, although some of her crewmates didn’t seem to find that so easy. ‘If you think you can distract--’

‘Sir, the shuttle is charging its weapons!’

‘Then don’t just sit there, Rosco! Lock torpedoes and fire!’

‘Gul Pekrat--’ Pekrat snapped the channel closed. The tactical display turned white as the Federation craft exploded.

The personnel assembled on the bridge of the Compromise watched as the Cardassian torpedoes plunged into the side of their vehicle and ended its existence.

‘Shuttlecraft Powers, rest in peace,’ said Carmen.

‘Good thing there wasn’t anyone on it,’ grinned Ruth.[3]

Data nodded. ‘I believe our protracted distraction from our actual distraction proved that distraction to be a sufficient distraction to distract from the fact that it was in fact that distraction that was a distraction, and not the original distraction.’

The Compromise crew all stared at him.

‘It worked,’ he said.

‘Subspace chaff,’ Carmen nodded to Nick. ‘That’s very clever.’

Nick shrugged. ‘I can’t take all the credit. It was Data’s idea to put it on the shuttle like that. I just found it in a cabinet on deck 48 labelled "Property of Lieutenant Ritherdon, keep out".’

Ruth scowled. ‘You mean she invented something that actually worked?’

Nick shook his head. ‘Actually, the stuff was in a box labelled "New anti-dandruff shampoo".’

‘Right…’ Ruth shook her head, then looked back at the viewer. ‘So how long are the Cardassians’ sensors going to be on the fritz?’

‘One hour, fourteen minutes, fifty seconds,’ replied Data. ‘Approximately,’ he added.

‘Vague bastard, aren’t ye?’ smirked Ratbat.

‘If you wish--’ began Data. Ksenia waved him quiet.

‘Not to put too fine a point on it,’ she said. ‘But this window we’ve made for ourselves is going to be no use if we don’t move our bums.’

‘Agreed. Data to shuttlebay 2.’

‘Lieutenant, is the remainder of my equipment loaded onto the runabout?’

‘Yes sir, just putting the last of that stuff in the Brooks now. I mean, you did still want to use the Brooks, didn’t you? Because you had that shuttle you were going to pretend to send down so that no-one would notice when you really went down, well, when we went down, really, and of course there’d be the one you were really going down in, so I wanted to make sure that we didn’t--’

‘Lieutenant,’ Data interjected. ‘Is the runabout ready?’

Noomy’s friends could almost hear her hurt expression. ‘Yes, sir.’

‘Then we shall depart,’ said Data. ‘Captain, if you could have the team I selected meet me in the shuttlebay, we will travel to the planet’s surface immediately.

Euan seemed taken aback for a moment. ‘Um...right. Er, of course. That is.’ He watched Data disappear into the turbolift, Ksenia close behind.

Ratbat approached as he stared after them. ‘I can’t tell,’ she said. ‘Is he showing you respect, or utterly utterly mocking you?’

Euan shook his head. ‘I really don’t know.’

He ran a few deliberate runtime errors on his internal processor, which was the android equivalent of cursing under one’s breath, as the Brooks connected with the planet’s surface with a slight bump.

‘Lieutenant Botham,’ he asked. ‘Have you completed the requisite course to pilot Starfleet vehicles?’

Sarah glared at him. ‘I’ve done an equivalent course.’

‘An equivalent course?’

‘Well, I watched one, anyway.’

‘Lieutenant...’

‘Hey! I did better than that runabout we found you crawling out of.’

Data twitched his head at her. ‘Hm. Good point.’ He scanned for life-signs. ‘My initial supposition was correct,’ he announced. ‘There are still Jem’Hadar remaining in this area.’

‘Good,’ replied Ruth. She opened the trunk at her feet and tossed a phaser rifles to the security lovelies that had accompanied them. ‘Something to do.’

Ensign Smith stared at the characteristic shape of his rifle’s muzzle. ‘Do you know what these things unfortunately look like?’ he said at last.

Lieutenant Prideaux sighed. ‘No-one I know,’ she lamented.

‘Swap stories later,’ Ruth told them. ‘We’ll split up. Sam, you’re with me.’

‘Aww...’

‘What?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Eliane, go with Nic, check out from the far side of the runabout.’ She opened the hatch, and the four of them went on their way, phasers raised.[4]

‘So where’s this foundry?’ asked Sarah. Data placed a hand on top of her head and gently spun her in a half-circle. ‘Ah.’

‘Should we get going, then?’ asked Noomy.

‘Yes,’ said Data. ‘However, the two of you and Ensign Dee should get going to the runabout’s hold. There you will find the special equipment we require. Follow the instructions on this padd, and set it up on that plateau over there.’

‘What?’ wailed Noomy. ‘But we’re not engineers! Well, not really...’

‘I am aware of this. You will find that this is a simple modular assembly.’

‘Grunt work,’ said Sarah. ‘Great.’

‘You do not have to grunt if you do not wish to.’ He turned and didn’t see her poke her tongue out at his back.

‘Off to the foundry, then,’ said the Ksenia, the last member of the party.

‘Indeed.’ In fact, they hadn’t landed far from the building at all - and being the sole object around that wasn’t a rock or a tree,[5] it was hard to miss.

‘Amazing,’ reflected Ksenia.

‘The structure fits the expected parameters Starfleet Intelligence estimated for such a facility. Its size is adequate.’

‘No, not that. We could finally find out what ketracel-white can really do. I mean, it keeps Jem’Hadar alive, and that’s all that they...well, they don’t really eat it...’

‘I read a report that described a headstrong NSF science officer who tested the last white from a defeated Jem’Hadar on himself. He consumed it, but it did not have the desired effect.’

‘What happened?’

‘He exploded.’

‘Oh.’

They arrived at the front of the foundry and looked up at it. Ksenia sighed at what her tricorder told her. ‘I can’t see any entrances,’ she told Data. ‘Actually, I can, but they’re all like this one.’ She nodded up at the door in front of them. ‘Starfleet Intelligence didn’t give you a key, I suppose?’

Data shook his head. ‘The door appears to be sealed through the use of an access code.’

‘I doubt it’s going to be "open sesame",’ minced Ksenia.

‘The likelihood of the Dominion invoking a Terran seasoning in their security protocols is somewhat remote.’

‘Want to try your phaser?’

Data shook his head. ‘That will not be necessary.’ He stepped over to the door frame, and (with a brief sound of rending metal) flipped open a panel in it. ‘As I suspected: The code is a simple digital sequence, keyed into this control pad here. I could endeavour to determine the code...however, the release mechanism may be activated another way.’

‘Oh?’

‘I could connect my own internal systems to this junction-box, and generate sufficient feedback to short-circuit the door.’

‘Is that dangerous?’

‘For the door.’

Ksenia shrugged. ‘Off you go, then.’

Ensign Sam Smith stopped short as he saw something. That is to say he saw the side of Ruth’s phaser rifle as she held it up, and he smacked into it because he wasn’t paying attention.

‘Oww!’

‘Quiet!’ she hissed. ‘I saw something.’

‘A tree?’

Ruth sighed. ‘Remind me again why you became a security officer.’

‘Me? I thought you told me to become a security officer!’

‘Never mind. And no, it’s not a tree. It’s next to a tree.’ Sam followed Ruth’s pointing finger. It looked almost like a body.

They crept forward, hoping to catch whoever it was by surprise. If he was surprised, Ruth and Sam never knew about it, on account of said body being quite dead.

‘Crap,’ observed Sam. ‘A Jem’Hadar.’

Ruth stooped down to examine it. ‘Ten points for observation,’ she told him. ‘This isn’t good,’ she said after poking at the corpse with a knife for a few moments.

‘What? He’s dead, so you can’t fight him?’

‘No. And I know you won’t believe it, but I hate fighting Jem’Hadar. No class, too much of a blunt instrument. Turns fun into a chore. And chores aren’t fun.’[6]

‘Then what isn’t good?’

‘The Jem’Hadar are hard, right? And this one’s been killed...that means that someone killed him.’

‘Oh. Oh!’ Sam took a moment to realise.

‘And it gets worse. What ever it is that killed him...’ She wiped her knife against the dead Jem’Hadar’s flesh, and held it up to show the wet blood that had stuck straight to it. ‘It’s probably still around.’

‘Yech.’ Sam shivered.[7]

Ruth’s grimace turned into a sneer. It was time to strip down to a tanktop and find something to wrap around her forehead. There was something in this jungle just looking to be hunted.

The inside of the foundry certainly confirmed what Ksenia had heard about the Founders and the Vorta. The large room they were in had evidently been constructed to manufacture ketracel-white, and then declared complete. To say that it was stark really implied that the decoration was the result of even a minimal effort. On their way in, Ksenia had at first wondered if the different colours used in the factory were the result of some hitherto unknown Vorta sense of the aesthetic. Rather, it was simply that with the poor eyesight the Founders had bred into them, the Vorta simply didn’t know they’d used more than a few dull shades.

‘Hmmmm,’ Ksenia said.

‘Commander?’

‘While I’ve been a scientist long enough to know that significant discoveries aren’t necessarily the most exciting, I had thought the white foundry might have been a bit less...plain. You did make such a big deal about it.’

‘Actually, a significant amount of hyperbole was added in the retelling by the Compromise crew. For example, despite Dr Henstock’s claim, neither the Vorta nor the Jem’Hadar conducted "wild orgies" here on a weekly basis.’

‘I should think most certainly not.’ Ksenia fingered some dust off a console. ‘I’d say it’s been way more than a week since anyone was here.’ She poked a few controls on the console. ‘Completely dead.’

‘Most likely the facility in on emergency power,’ guessed Data. ‘Which essentially means the lights. Stay here. I will look for the main power source.’

‘But what...’ Ksenia trailed off as she realised she was talking to a disappearing back.

The door to 10-Foreplay opened to allow Leila and Ratbat to walk between them.

‘I just never thought I’d see people having sex like that!’ Leila was saying.

‘Tell me about it. Course, we’ve been on the Compromise a long time, so...’

‘...I know, people have done it on the pool table, in the Jeffries tubes, on the captain’s desk, right there on the bar where Nick’s eating, but...’

‘...on a bed? Aye. It sickens me.’

They took a seat at a window table. ‘Coffee,’ Leila ordered John. ‘With coffee in it.’

‘Right...’

‘Haven’t heard anything...’ Ratbat thought aloud. ‘Wonder how that away team’s doing.’

‘Yeah,’ nodded Leila. ‘Suzy told me that that place has special Jem’Hadar that can turn into dinosaurs, so I hope they’re all right.’

Ratbat nodded. ‘Aye, we’re a bit shafted if they wake up the Jem’Hadar or something. And Data said that ‘e can’t contact the Enterprise...’ She trailed off.

‘What?’ prompted Leila.

But Ratbat’s mind was replaying the initial briefing for the mission:

‘That is what he said,’ Ratbat realised. ‘He can’t contact the Enterprise. Not he cannot. He can’t.’

‘Yes, well, we all know that those two things are complete opposites...’

‘Cruk. Cruk!’ She sprang up from the table and ran towards the door.

‘What?’ Leila hurried after her. ‘Where are you going?’

Ratbat, however, was halfway down the corridor and didn’t hear. She tapped her communicator. ‘Forde from Sigma!’

‘We’ve been had.’

Ksenia scowled at the message. ‘Speak for yourself.’

‘What? Who did?’

‘Lore...?’ Ksenia repeated.

Hearing something behind her, she turned to see the familiar android filling the doorway. He had a phaser aimed at her. His face twisted into a sneer.

‘Surprise,’ said Lore.

Then everything went black.