(A barren landscape. Nothing but rock as far as the eye can see. On the horizon we see three dots. As they come closer we see that they are Fuzzy, Sasha and Westminster.)

FUZZY:

We have almost reached the king's palace. Our goal is within sight.

WESTMINSTER:

Speak for yourself. I can't see it.

(They climb over the hill. From Fuzzy's POV we see an enormous, glittering palace.)

FUZZY:

There! The Golden Palace of King Earless the Fearless, ruler of the kingdom of Cleve.

SASHA:

We must hurry. The Princess has to be warned.

(They finally reach the Palace. Its gates are guarded by a knight in yellow armour: Chris)

CHRIS RABBO:

 Halt! State your name and Bistro.

FUZZY:

I am Fuzzy the Barbarian. These are my companions, Westminster the Bold and Red Sasha.

SASHA:

I'm from Russia.

FUZZY:

We must speak with the Princess.

CHRIS RABBO:

 None may seek an audience with the Princess unless King Earless okays it with me.

FUZZY:

It is vital that we warn Her Highness about the evil wizard Yompy. He plans to--

CHRIS RABBO:

 Yompy, you say? What do you know of Yompy the Foul?

FUZZY:

We have recently escaped from his prison.

CHRIS RABBO:

 None has escaped the clutches of Foul Yompy. Begone, tricksters.

FUZZY:

We speak the truth, good sir. You must let us pass.

CHRIS RABBO:

 Just be sure to study hard and do your best.

FUZZY:

I beg your pardon?

CHRIS RABBO:

 Oh, OK. Come on. I'll take you to see the King.

(Cut to the huge, expensively decorated throne room. On the throne sits Earless. Beside him is Willits Gumman. Fuzzy, Sasha, Westminster and Chris approach them)

EARLESS:

Who dares visit me without calling first?

FUZZY:

My Lordship, I am Fuzzy the Barbarian. I bring news of Yompy the Foul.

EARLESS:

Tell me.

FUZZY:

Foul Yompy wishes to kidnap the Princess and force her to marry him.

EARLESS:

Over my dead body.

FUZZY:

I'm not touching that line.

EARLESS:

Well, anyway, it won't happen. My faithful soothsayer, Willits the Wise, will help me defeat Foul Yompy.

GUMMAN:

Hi.

FUZZY:

With all due respect, Willits, I fear that even he will be unable to best Yompy.

SASHA:

My uncle Yompy is terribly dangerous.

EARLESS:

What? You are Yompy's niece? Then you must be the daughter of Teddy the Fair, Yompy's ancient nemesis.

SASHA:

He's not that old. Do you know where Fair Teddy is? He has been missing for several days. I enlisted Fuzzy's aid to help me find him, but we were captured by Yompy. In Yompy's dungeon, we met Westminster the Bold, who helped us escape.

EARLESS:

Why is he called 'Westminster the Bold'?

SASHA:

Because his name is Westminster.

EARLESS:

No, I mean why do they call him 'Bold'?

FUZZY:

He's not very good at cricket.

EARLESS:

Was that a joke?

FUZZY:

No, that was an anachronism.

EARLESS:

That's all right, then.

CHRIS RABBO:

 That reminds me, I have to go feed my pet walrus. I'll be back in a second.

(Chris leaves)

FUZZY:

Your guard has a pet walrus?

EARLESS:

Yes. It's a name-shifter.

FUZZY:

How exciting. Hate to sound rude, but it really is time we saw the Princess. The plot's not going anywhere.

EARLESS:

Just this once. Daughter!

(Enter Abbie. Chris is with her, having fed the walrus)

FUZZY:

Princess Abbigail!

ABBIE:

Welcome to my presence.

WESTMINSTER:

Holy gosh, she's cute!

EARLESS:

I heard that! Sir Rabbo, cut off his--

ABBIE:

Shut up, dad. Why do you wish to speak to me, brave Fuzzy?

FUZZY:

Yompy the Foul has designs on you.

ABBIE:

Yes. It's a lovely dress, isn't it?

FUZZY:

I don't mean Fowl Yompy the Poultry Fashion Designer, I mean Foul Yompy the despicably evil sorcerer.

ABBIE:

Oh. That's different. What does he want?

FUZZY:

To marry you and kill your father, that he may rule this realm.

ABBIE:

Bugger that. I'd rather marry your wimpy little friend here.

WESTMINSTER:

Who, me?

ABBIE:

Yes. What is your name?

WESTMINSTER:

Bestminster the Wold. Uh, I mean, Boldminster the West. No, no-- it's, uh, Wolsbonster the Bilf. Boodwuster the Wombat? Oh, forget it. Just call me Joe.

ABBIE:

Well, Joe, I order you to become my personal bodyguard. You are to protect me from Foul Yompy.

EARLESS:

I fear that Fair Teddy has also been kidnapped by his foul brother.

(Chainsaw 1 rushes in with a scroll which he gives to Earless)

EARLESS:

Oh, no! It is a message from Yompy the Foul. 'King Earless: Give me the Princess of I will destroy you. Do not try to stop me, or I will kill my prisoners.'

FUZZY:

Who are his prisoners?

EARLESS:

'My prisoners are Teddy Uulamets the Fair and Ghuzzy Bunny, the father of the naughty barbarian who ran away from me.'

FUZZY:

Yompy has my father! I must save him!

SASHA:

Also we must save my father.

FUZZY:

We have to get back to Yompy's fortress.

WESTMINSTER:

But we just spent two weeks crawling through a desert to get away from Yompy's fortress!

FUZZY & SASHA:

That was before we knew he had our fathers.

ABBIE:

Joe and I will accompany you. You may need help.

EARLESS:

It's too dangerous, my dear.

ABBIE:

I don't care. I must do this, father.

EARLESS:

Very well. Sir Rabbo, you are to go with them and see that my daughter is not hurt.

CHRIS RABBO:

 Yes, Your Travesty.

FUZZY:

We must set off at once.

EARLESS:

Wait! I will summon my court magician. He will help you reach the fortress.

(Chainsaw 3 appears in a puff of smoke)

CHAINSAW 3:

I'm actually a 'she', Your Highness.

EARLESS:

Oh. Sorry. It's hard to tell with chainsaws.

FUZZY:

Another anachronism.

CHAINSAW 3:

Never mind that. It's the price you pay for casting chainsaws in a swords-and-sorcery show.

FUZZY:

Will I ever learn?

WESTMINSTER:

I doubt it.

CHAINSAW 3:

Shut up and let me concentrate. I'll use my magic to teleport you right to the fortress.

(Chainsaw 3 zaps Fuzzy, Sasha, Westminster, Abbie and Rabbo. They vanish. Cut to the exterior of a huge black castle - Yompy the Foul's fortress. The bunnies appear here)

FUZZY:

We made it.

WESTMINSTER:

Great. Now we just have to get past the toughest wizard in the world and rescue a couple of old men.

CHRIS RABBO:

 Gosh, do you think we'll get turned into newts? I always wanted to be a newt. I have a pet newt. Her name is Portia.

WESTMINSTER:

Portia the Newt?

CHRIS RABBO:

 No, her name is Portia, I said. And actually she has quite a lot of money. She invested in UBF shares a few years back, and--

WESTMINSTER:

I really hate you.

CHRIS RABBO:

 Char-med, I'm sure.

FUZZY:

Be quiet. We don't want Yompy's guards to hear us.

(A shadow falls over the party)

SASHA:

I think one of them already did.

(They look up and see an eighty-foot tall red bushrat, with very sharp teeth)

WESTMINSTER:

Uh-oh.

(Fuzzy draws his sword.)

FUZZY:

I'll take care of this overgrown cat-toy.

CHRIS RABBO:

 I'd hate to see the cat that plays with it.

WESTMINSTER:

For once I agree with you, walrus breath.

CHRIS RABBO:

 I'd better mark this day on my calendar.

WESTMINSTER:

Be quiet. Fuzzy's trying to fight an eighty-foot tall red bushrat.

FUZZY:

I will not allow you to stop us, demon.

RED BUSHRAT:

 I ain't no demon. I'm just a humble bushrat.

FUZZY:

Just a humble bushrat come to deliver us to Yompy the Foul. Well, I will never--

RED BUSHRAT:

 Hang on, mate. You've got your bushrats mixed up. I don't work for Yompy. I work for Teddy Uulamets. He sent me to rescue you. Climb into my pocket.

FUZZY:

Thank heavens.

(The bunnies climb into the bushrat's pocket. The bushrat laughs and pulls a cage out of the pocket. The bunnies are in the cage)

WESTMINSTER:

Let me guess... this cage is just so that Yompy can't get to us.

RED BUSHRAT:

 No. This cage is because I was lying when I said I didn't work for him.

FUZZY:

We've been tricked!

WESTMINSTER:

Thank you, Mister Observant.

SASHA:

What do we do now?

CHRIS RABBO:

 I'll get us out of this.

ABBIE:

Oh, yeah? Like how?

CHRIS RABBO:

 Like this.

(Chris Rabbo produces a stick of dynamite. He lights it.)

CHRIS RABBO:

 This will soon open the cage.

WESTMINSTER:

It'll open us, it what you mean, you moron! Blow it out!

CHRIS RABBO:

 Don't you mean 'Blow it up'?

ALL BUT CHRIS:

NO!!!!

CHRIS RABBO:

 Okay. Okay. I'll just throw it away.

(Chris chucks the dynamite out of the cage. It lands in the bushrat's mouth. The bushrat yelps and accidentally swallows it.)

FUZZY:

Oh dear.

(The bushrat explodes. The cage falls to the ground. The landing breaks the lock off the door.)

CHRIS RABBO:

 Bingo.

FUZZY:

Not bad.

(The bunnies walk out of the cage.)

ABBIE:

Maybe you're not as dumb as I thought.

FUZZY:

We have to get in to the fortress.

ABBIE:

How did you get out?

FUZZY:

We didn't.

ABBIE:

What?

FUZZY:

We've never been here before.

ABBIE:

But you said--

FUZZY:

According to the plot, yes. But the writers never told us how we were supposed to have escaped. This is just a TV show, remember.

ABBIE:

Stick to the script.

FUZZY:

No. This is dumb. Why are we doing this third-rate fantasy epic when we could be doing a serious space opera?

ABBIE:

We've already done a whole season! I just thought it would be nice to take a break from the spaceships-and-aliens motif.

FUZZY:

Well, it's not.

CHRIS RABBO:

 Do you guys hear that?

OTHERS:

What?

CHRIS RABBO:

 I can hear a noise. It sounds like... like... class four Sventruddy rocket thrusters.

(A loud noise can be heard)

FUZZY:

But - but - hey! Look!

(Fuzzy points up into the sky. They see Hoppy's alien ship. It lands nearby. The door opens.)

FUZZY:

It's Hoppy Lashes!

ABBIE:

Oh, great. Just what we need to enhance our third-rate fantasy epic. A giant alien spacecraft.

FUZZY:

Hoppy? Hoppy? What is it?

(Hoppy Lashes emerges from the ship. She has been crying)

FUZZY:

Hoppy! What's wrong?

HOPPY LASHES:

It's Laff.

WESTMINSTER:

What happened?

HOPPY LASHES:

He just... died. About two months after we left the Sea Kidney. Before we left, we had both been a little ill. Willits Gumman said it was probably just a virus, but I suspected that it was worse. We just kept getting sicker. Then Laff died. Just like that. I've got it, Fuzzy!

FUZZY:

...Got what?

HOPPY LASHES:

Some kind of fatal alien disease. I'm dying.

(Fuzzy remains silent. Suddenly Mal rushes into the shot)

MAL:

Hoppy! Tell me it isn't true!

HOPPY LASHES:

Don't come too close, Mal. You might catch the disease.

(Paying no attention, Mal hurries to her side and hugs her)

MAL:

I'll never leave you again, Hoppy.

HOPPY LASHES:

Uh... I left you.

MAL:

You know what I mean. I'll look after you, Hoppy.

HOPPY LASHES:

Oh, Mal, I'm sorry!

(They are both crying now)

MAL:

I won't let you die, Hoppy.

FUZZY:

...There's no cure.

HOPPY LASHES:

What?

MAL:

You knew about this?

FUZZY:

Uulamets and Doctor Gumman have known ever since you escaped from the aliens. They didn't want to worry you. Thought it was best to let you get on with what little life you have left.

MAL:

You heartless, insensitive--

HOPPY LASHES:

No, Mal, if it's fatal then I'm glad Laff never knew.

(Uulamets enters)

UULAMETS:

What's going on? Are we going to finish the third-rate fantasy epic, or what? I'm getting bored.

SASHA:

Father, it's Hoppy!

UULAMETS:

My goodness! Where is your Dropoff friend?

HOPPY LASHES:

Dead. Of the disease that you didn't tell us about. Presumably I'll be following him soon.

UULAMETS:

Go.

MAL:

What did you say?

UULAMETS:

Hoppy Lashes, you must leave this place. Take Mal with you.

HOPPY LASHES:

Go where?

UULAMETS:

Forth. And multiply.

MAL:

I beg your pardon?

UULAMETS:

Without wanting to be too blunt... Hoppy, you have to have nine children. Quickly. And the father must be Mal.

HOPPY LASHES:

No just a--

UULAMETS:

Shut up and get on with it.

MAL:

Listen, you crazy old--

UULAMETS:

You are both rabbits, are you not? So get inside that ship and do what rabbits are supposedly so proficient at.

HOPPY LASHES:

I'm dying of a fatal disease!

UULAMETS:

Exactly. So get a move on.

MAL:

You are a filthy, perverted, filthy, perverted... filthy pervert!

CHRIS RABBO:

 He's Russian.

FUZZY:

Shut up, Chris. Mal, Hoppy, Uulamets is right. He knows what he's talking about. The fate of the universe depends on your nine children.

HOPPY LASHES:

 It's about Bunny Fun, isn't it?

UULAMETS:

 Yes.

HOPPY LASHES:

Sometimes I think that being a descendant of the original Bunny Fun is nothing more than a curse. My whole future has already been decided for me, just because years ago, one of my ancestors got involved with some fancy magic statue and a giant zucchini god. Well, I'm sick of it. Come on, Mal. We have work to do.

MAL:

Are you serious? Are you going to let that old Russian loony--

HOPPY LASHES:

It's a 'Bunny Fun' thing, Mal. You heard.

(Mal nods. He knows Hoppy is right. They both go back to Hoppy's ship. As he enters the spaceship, Mal turns to Fuzzy and says:)

MAL:

Say goodbye to Bunniquette for me.

(And then the door slides closed and the ship takes off. Hoppy and Mal are gone)

UULAMETS:

I hope they won't waste any more time.

SASHA:

Father! That's enough. It's out of your hands now.

(Chainsaw 4, Bullocksnap, and Bunniquette enter)

BUNNIQUETTE:

Have any of you guys ever heard of scripts? What's going on? We've been waiting for our cues but you never showed up on the set.

BULLOCKSNAP:

It's bad enough that we have to do a third-rate fantasy epic in the first place. If we must, can't we at least do it properly?

FUZZY:

We were held up.

ABBIE:

We had ... a visitor.

CHAINSAW 4:

So who was it? You must've been yapping for hours.

FUZZY:

It was Hoppy Lashes.

CHAINSAW 4:

The rabbit dame who nicked off with old Laff?

BUNNIQUETTE:

What did she want? Is she gone?

FUZZY:

Commander Laff is dead. He and Hoppy both contracted a fatal disease when they were kidnapped by those aliens.

BUNNIQUETTE:

Hoppy's dying?

UULAMETS:

Yes. Your only aunt is terminally ill.

BUNNIQUETTE:

My only what?

SASHA:

Your only 'harnft'. He said 'harnft'. He most definitely said 'harnft'.

BUNNIQUETTE:

What are you talking about, you daft Russian weirdos?

RUSSIANS:

Nothing. Never mind.

ABBIE:

'Quette... Mal's gone.

BUNNIQUETTE:

Huh? What did she say?

ABBIE:

He left with Hoppy. She's sick. She needs someone to look after her.

BUNNIQUETTE:

Great. That's great.

(She moves away from the others and stands by herself sadly. Abbie and the others watch her silently. Chris follows and puts and arm around her to comfort her. She punches him in the jaw and exits angrily.)

FUZZY:

Lennie, I want you to round up the other cast members. We're heading back to the Sea Kidney and getting out of here.

CHAINSAW 4:

Right, boss.

(Chainsaw 4 exits. Cut to the exterior of 'King Earless''s 'palace'. Fuzzy, Abbie, Westminster, Sasha, Uulamets, Chris, Gumman, Earless, and Chainsaw 3 are there. Lucky enters.)

LUCKY:

What goeth on, mortals? The chainsaw named Lennie told me that it was time for us to leave this charming planet. We haven't finished the third-rate fantasy epic yet.

FUZZY:

It's a long story. But I think it would be best for everyone if we all left this place.

(Chainsaw 4 (Lennie) returns. With him are Chainsaw 1 (Howie), Chainsaw 2 (Ralph) and Fuzzy's father, Ghuzzy Bunny.)

CHAINSAW 4:

That's everyone, I think, boss.

ABBIE:

Everyone except Bunniquette.

LUCKY:

The blessed mortal known as Bunniquette is already aboard the spaceship.

WESTMINSTER:

How do you know where Bunniquette is? And what do you mean, 'blessed'?

LUCKY:

I am a God. I can sense the whereabouts of important beings such as descendants of the Bunny Fun line.

WESTMINSTER:

But it's not Bunniquette who is a Bunny Fun. It's Hoppy Lashes.

LUCKY:

Are you completely stupid, little mortal? Bunniquette is Hoppy Lashes'--

(Fuzzy interrupts hurriedly)

FUZZY:

Never mind that.

(He whispers to Lucky.)

FUZZY:

It's a secret that Hoppy and 'Quette are related. Don't tell anyone.

LUCKY:

If thou dost say so, little mortal leader.

FUZZY:

I dost. I mean, I do.

CHAINSAW 2:

Didn't your mother ever tell you it's rude to whisper?

FUZZY:

Shut up, Ralph.

GHUZZY:

Son, you owe us an explanation. You dragged us all here to do this third rate fancy tie rate or something, and now you're just sending us home half way though the show.

FUZZY:

Well, for one thing, it wasn't my idea. I never wanted to do this fantasy crap. But now that this Hoppy thing happened, the whole thing's gone out the window. We're leaving.

GHUZZY:

But, son--

FUZZY:

No buts, old bunny. I've had a shit-awful day, and I'm not in the mood for obstinate geriatric rabbits arguing. Everyone into the ship.

(Fuzzy kicks the palace, and the set falls over, revealing the UBF Sea Kidney. Everyone files in until Fuzzy and Sasha are alone outside.)

SASHA:

I'm sorry about everything that happened, Fuzzy.

FUZZY:

It's not your fault, Sash. Let's just go.

(Hand in hand they enter Fuzzy's ship. A few moments later, the Sea Kidney takes off and we watch it leave this planet. In Fuzzy's room Fuzzy is talking with his father.)

GHUZZY:

You've been acting strange recently, son. What's up?

FUZZY:

Nothing. Stop bugging me, dad.

GHUZZY:

It's that Russian girl, isn't it, son? I'm your father. You can talk to me about girls. I'm here to listen.

FUZZY:

What are you talking about?

GHUZZY:

I've never been to Russia myself, but my friend, Barnabas - he's with the UBF too - he went there, and all the Russian girls he met were--

FUZZY:

Dad! There's nothing wrong with my relationship with Sasha. I've never been so happy in my life.

GHUZZY:

I still can't understand why you decided not to marry that young girl you knew before you left home. What was her name? You were engaged, weren't you?

FUZZY:

Shut up, dad.

GHUZZY:

Your mother liked her.

FUZZY:

That was a long time ago, dad. I was just a kid.

GHUZZY:

But she was heartbroken when I gave you the Insectblanket and you just took off into space. She was -- ah! I remember her name now. It was Pirica, wasn't it? Pirica DeBunny. She was old Mrs DeBunny's daughter.

FUZZY:

You don't say? Just leave it, dad. I'm in love with Sasha. She's so sweet, and kind, and beautiful, and--

GHUZZY:

And her father is a mass murderer.

FUZZY:

He's not! That's his twin. I told you.

GHUZZY:

'Yompy'? Hmmph. Young Sasha made Yompy up just to get her father off the hook. There's more to Teddy Uulamets than meets the eye, son, I promise you that.

FUZZY:

Well, his daughter and I are in love, and I don't care what you say, you old fool. Get your stuff ready. We're almost back to Earth. We'll drop you off.

(Fuzzy leaves for the Bridge.)

GHUZZY:

What's go into you, son? You never used to get angry like this. Perhaps it's time you learnt the truth about Teddy Uulamets.

(The end)