The Fuzzy Bunny Show - The UBF Files

(Standing at the bottom of the Eiffel Tower are Muncher, Skunky, Captain Tricky, Abbie, and Anastasia(!). They have been bailed up by two armed men (yes, men) wearing the uniforms of the French police force, and the men are weilding rather large (though primitive) guns.)
TRICKY:I think we’re in trouble.
ANASTASIA:Oh, you noticed?
ABBIE:Shut up, Anastasia! It’s your fault that we’re in this mess in the first place!
ANASTASIA:Oh, yeah, right, sure. Blame the villainess.
(The UBF base on Nerpalon 12, only hours before the present. Pirica, Gumman, Muncher, Skunky, Abbie, Lennie.)
PIRICA:So, Agent Muncher, how do you plan to continue the search for Yasta’s TCFG?
MUNCHER:I... have no idea. We’ve combed the whole planet. Anastasia’s HQ is simply not here.
PIRICA:Then you’d better start searching other planets.
LENNIE:You can’t be serious! There’s dozens and dozens of planets in this system! The bitch’s hideout could be on any one of them! It’ll take forever to search them all!
PIRICA:So choose wisely.
(Back to the Eiffel Tower in the present.)
MUNCHER:Listen, officers, there’s obviously been some kind of mistake. We—
MAN 1:What’d he say?
MAN 2:Who cares what he said? Rabbits can’t talk.
MAN 1:It’s not whether they can talk that concerns me. It’s the fact they they were packing alien hardware when we found ‘em. If we hadn’t got here in time to confiscate their weapons, they could have shot the whole of Europe to pieces with those weird guns.
SKUNKY:Does anyone understand that funny noise those two things are making?
ANASTASIA:They’re discussing our weaponry... the weaponry they stole from us.
CAPTAIN TRICKY:You can decipher their language? Talk to them!
ANASTASIA:I’m something less than fluent, I warn you.
ANASTASIA:Right. Excuse moi? Person wobble-bucket please have our guns back? We mean you no gumboot. Harm. I meant ‘harm’.
MAN 1:Holy--! That rabbit with the purple fur just talked!
MAN 2:He must know French!
MAN 1:How can a rabbit know French?
MAN 2:Maybe he’s a French rabbit?
ANASTASIA:I happen to be a ‘she’, thank you.
SKUNKY:It’s working! Anastasia’s actually communicating with them in their own language!
(FLASHBACK: The throne room. Sasha, Goatee, Bunniquette, Rabbo, Hoppy. Sasha and Rabbo are, of course, still blue. Captain Tricky enters. At gunpoint before him is Anastasia.)
TRICKY:Look who I just found hiding outside.
SASHA:The Nunklon! But she was killed!
ANASTASIA:Death has no claim on my soul. I am incapable of ceasing to live.
SASHA:You’re also a devious criminal whore! Kill her, Captain!
TRICKY:You heard what she said, my Queen. Her Nunklon physiology grants her immunity to physical destruction.
SASHA:Then lock her up! Somewhere dark! Throw away the key! Brick up the door! Bury the building! But see that she is made to pay!
TRICKY:She will pay, believe me. But first, she is going to lead us to her secret hideout.
ANASTASIA:Over this dead body!
(Back to the present; Muncher and Co. are now sitting in the interrogation suite of a Paris police station with Man 1 and Man 2.)
MAN 2:Another dimension, you say? Where the dominant race is bunnies?
MAN 1:Asnd what are you doing here, then?
ANASTASIA:Vowels. Wombat slippers, and the Earth of your dimension is where my secret hideout is. I have access to dimensional displacement equipment. Or at least I did.
MUNCHER:What do you think they’re talking about now?
TRICKY:Who knows? Human is the stupidest and most incomprehensible language I’ve ever come across., anyway, gentlemen, I’m sure you see that we’re no threat to the people of this country and I’m sure you’ll be happy to return our weapons.
(The two policemen go off into the corner so that Anastasia won’t overhear them.0
MAN 1:What do you think, Auguste? Is this rabbit on the level? Can they be trusted?
MAN 2:I’m not sure, Nom. I mean, really! An alternate reality where bunnies rule and human beings don’t even exist? It’s difficult to believe.
MAN 1:Nevertheless, that’s a talking bunny, that is. How do you expect they got here?
(FLASHBACK: Rabbitskovic’s office. Rabbitskovic, Sasha, Tricky, Muncher, Skunky, Anastasia, Pirica, Abbie. Tricky, Muncher and Skinky are all heavily armed.)
RABBITSKOVIC:Now, Anastasia, will you co-operate, or must we force you to help us?
ANASTASIA:You want me to lead you to my hideout? Fine.
(She holds up her left hand. On her index finger is a beautiful rin set with a huge green stone. The stone begins to glow.)
PIRICA:Stop her! That’s a TD Ring! She’ll get away!
ABBIE:It’s a what?
PIRICA:A Transdimensional Displacement Ring! If it has time to power up, Anastasia will be teleported to another dimension, and then we’ll never catch her!
(Abbie grabs Anastasia’s arm and tries to get hold of the Ring.)
ANASTASIA:Keep your clumsy hands off, idiot! If you damage the Ring—
(Muncher grabs Anastasia’s other arm.)
MUNCHER:Skunky! Captain! Get the Ring! Now!
(Tricky, and Skunky attempt to obey. Suddenly the Ring’s green glow flares, and Muncher, Skunky, Abbie, Captain Tricky and Anastasia are gone. We cut to the base of the Eiffel Tower, where they materialise.)
ANASTASIA:Fools! You overloaded the Ring’s power core! Now we’re stranded in a parallel universe!
MUNCHER:Ah. That’s not especially wonderful, really.
ANASTASIA:The good news for you brainless buffoons is that as long as we’re here, we might as well go to my hideout. You can turn off Yasta’s machine, if you must.
MUNCHER:Your hideout’s here? In another dimension?
ABBIE:This is Earth... France. How does this world differ from the Earth of our dimension?
(The two French police officers, Man 1 (Nom) and Man 2 (Auguste), arrive.)
MAN 1:Rabbits?!
MAN 2:Rabbits with big guns?!
ANASTASIA:See those two ugly things there? Humans. The dominant species on this world.
OTHER BUNNIES:Gross! They’re revolting!
(Back to the present and the Police Station.) my Ring is useless, and we can’t get home.
TRICKY:I think Anastasia is really getting the hang of the language. The... humans... seem to trust her.
MAN 1:Now listen, Miss... Anastasia, is it? Yes. I’m sorry, but my colleague and I have decided that you bunnies are potentially dangerous. We regretfully inform you that you will be imprisoned until further notice. Your weapons will be sent to the artillery experts of the United Human Fleet for examination.
ANASTASIA:What? You’re locking us up?
ABBIE:Uh-oh. Anastasia doesn’t sound very happy. I wonder if something’s gone wrong?
ANASTASIA:You pathetic huiman losers! ‘Potentially dangerous’? You wanna see how potential I can get?
(Anastasia produces a tiny gun that the humans had missed.)
MAN 2:Shit! The bunny’s got a gun!
(Anastasia blows the humans’ heads off.)
ANASTASIA:Get your weapons, bunnies. We’re outta here.
ABBIE:Anastasia... you killed them, you know!
ANASTASIA:So what? They’re just dumb animals.
(Cut to Anastasia’s hideout. Anastasia, Muncher, Skunky, Tricky and Abbie enter. The room is huge and dark, and nearly empty. On top of a small wooden crate sits Yasta’s Thaumic Containment Field Generator. A tiny blue light is flashing on the side of the device.)
MUNCHER:At last, we reach Anastasia’s hideout. No wonder we couldn’t find if before – it’s not even in our home dimension!
ANASTASIA:Yeah, yeah. Feel free to deactivate Yasta’s little toy.
(Captain Tricky does. The blue light goes out. Cut to Sasha;s throne-room. Sasha, Tessa, Rabbo, Bunniquette, Gumman. Sasha, Tessa and Rabbo return to their normal colours.)
TESSA:Our magic is back!
(Cut to Anastasia’s hideout in the parallel universe.)
ANASTASIA:...the bad news is, we’re still stuck here forever.
MUNCHER:There must be some way we can repair the TD Ring.
ANASTASIA:No. Once the power core goes, the Ring is junk. Needs to be replaced, not repaired.
TRICKY:Well... you got hold of a TD Ring in our dimension, so there must be a place where we can find one in this reality.
ANASTASIA:Oh, that’ll be a piece of cake! We’ve got no transport, only one of us can speak the native language, we’re wanted for murdering two law enforcers...
THE OTHERS:Whose fault is that?
ANASTASIA:This is no time for laying blame. Look on the bright side. At least your precious Sasha and her magical buddies will have their powers back.
ABBIE:Chris and Lucky will be Gods again! I bet Sasha tries to make them resurrect poor, dead Fuzzy.
ANNA, TRICKY:I bet it doesn’t work.
(Tricky is shocked by Anastasia’s words.)
TRICKY:We... we... ahem. We have to get home immediately!
(The throne-room. Sasha, Rabbo, Bunniquette, Gumman, Pirica.)
SASHA:Christopher, I order you to bring Fuzzy back to me.
RABBO:I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. He—
SASHA:I am your Queen. You will—
RABBO:I am your Deity! I will nothing! I don’t care if you’re the Queen of the Penguins, you’re still a puny mortal, and I won’t have you bossing me around! Believe me, you don’t want me to bring back Fuzzy. He—
SASHA:Insolent pup! Do it! Now!
BUNNIQUETTE:What’s your problem, Chris? What harm is there in bringing Fuzzy back to life? You did it for Abbie and her family, and Lucky did it for Laff. Hell, you even did it for Rufus and Yasta!
RABBO:You don’t understand. This is more complicated. Before the explosion, Fuzzy—oh, what’s the use? Ever since he... died, you’ve been a real bitch, Sasha. You’re turning into Anastasia.
SASHA:How dare you? That’s it! Hear me, subjects! From this moment onwards, the Nerpalon System becomes a kingdom of Christendom!
RABBO:What? What are you doing? Don’t say that! If your subjects become Christian, me, and Lucky, and our whole pantheon of Gods, will be powerless permanently!
SASHA:Bring me my Fuzzy now, or I’ll convert the kingdom, I swear.
RABBO:Okay, okay! I’ll have to say the magic word.
BUNNIQUETTE:What’s the magic word?
RABBO:Don’t you know anything? The magic word is ‘Please’, of course!
(Suddenly Captain Tricky, Muncher, Skunky, Abbie and Anastasia appear.)
ABBIE:We’re home!
ANASTASIA:What the—how did we get here?
SASHA:Chris! You promised me Fuzzy! Right! This time I mean it. As of now, this kingdom no longer has Faith in the Bunny Gods of the past.
RABBO:Ouch! Now you’ve done it! I’m not a God any more. You’re gonna regret that. Lucky and dad are going to be so peeved.
(Chris walks out.)
BUNNIQUETTE:Oh, nice work, Queen-features. We used to have to bloody Gods up our sleeves, and now you’ve unplugged them both! Damn monarchs! Think they’re so bloody great.
SASHA:Silence. Muncher, destroy the Nunklon. She has served her purpose.
MUNCHER:But... you know she’s un-killable!
SASHA:I don’t care what it takes. Just do it.
(Sasha storms out.)
GUMMAN:Chris was right. Sasha has been a pain in the tail since Fuzzy died.
ANASTASIA:‘Died’ is a very strong word. Perhaps Fuzzy just—
TRICKY:Shut up, Nunklon. You’re in enough trouble as it is. Fuzzy is dead, and nothing can bring him back.
ANASTASIA:I don’t understand you, Captain Tricky. Everything you fought to protect from me, you’ve destroyed for no reason.
ABBIE:What do you mean? Had you two met before Sasha became Queen?
ANASTASIA:Oh, yes. We met almost a year ago when Captain Tricky’s ship landed on the Easter Bunny’s planet.
TRICKY:Shut up, bitch.
ANASTASIA:Touchy, isn’t he? Let’s make a deal, Trick, old boy. If you agree to have my criminal record wiped clean, I’ll promise to keep your deep, dark secret. Sound fair?
TRICKY:... Yes. Agent Muncher, Anastasia is to go free. She is no longer to be considered a criminal.
MUNCHER:What? On whose authority, you reckless little vigilante?
(Captain Tricky tears off his mask.)
TRICKY:On the authority of the King!
ABBIE:Oh, my God! It’s Fuzzy!
ANASTASIA:Ha! Fool! I agree to keep quiet about your true identity and you go and ruin your disguise! Idiot!
MUNCHER:King Fuzzy, what is the meaning of this?
TRICKY:Fuzzy is no more. There is only Captain Tricky.
GUMMAN:He’s flipped. Just like his nutty little wife. Fuzzy and Sasha have both gone insane! The pressure of ruling Nerpalon has addled their brains!
ABBIE:I must find Sasha!
(Cut to Sasha’s bedroom. Goatee is asleep in her cot. Sasha walks in, followed by the recently hired Nanny, Baik-baik Saja.)
SASHA:That’s little Disembowelled Goat. Isn’t she sweet?
BAIK-BAIK:Yes. I’m sure I’ll love her. Thank you for giving me the job.
SASHA:Rabbitskovic recommended you. You had better be good, because if anything happens to my daughter while you’re on duty, I’ll strangle you to death with your own intestines.
BAIK-BAIK:Ah. As you wish, my Queen.
(Cut to Gumman, Pirica, Skunky and Westminster in the UBF base.)
SKUNKY:I suspect that Fuzzy first started to lose his grip on his sanity when he actually had to marry Sasha. As demonstrated by his past with Commander DeBunny, Fuzzy has obviously always had a problem with commitment, which conflicted with his deep love for Sasha. The result was a horrific, screaming descent into the depths of madness. He was unable to balance his feelings for Sasha and his fear of long-term relationships. Put simply, when he married Sasha he went bonkers.
WESTMINSTER:Thank you, Doctor Crap-on.
GUMMAN:Young Draino is right. And Fuzzy’s loss of sanity, culminating hin his faking his own death, was the catalys that sent Sasha spiralling downwards into the hellish pits of psychotic bitchdom.
PIRICA:That’s all very well, but the important thing is can you fix them both?
THE TWO DOCTORS:Hmm... could be tricky (no pun intended).
SKUNKY:But I think that, with a bit of patience and some good luck, we should be able to help them.
PIRICA:You’d better.
(Back to Sasha’s room. Goatee has woken up and is being held by Baik-baik. Sasha is looking out the window.)
BAIK-BAIK:It’s very nice to meet you, Goatee.
GOATEE:Hello, Nanny-bunny.
BAIK-BAIK:We’re going to have a lot of fun together, Goatee.
GOATEE:Yes. Or else you get sacked and new, improved vicious Queen-mummy-bunny rip you to pieces.
BAIK-BAIK:You’re just saying that to make me feel better.
GOATEE:No, I’m not.
(Abbie runs in.)
ABBIE:Sasha! Sasha! You have to come down to the throne-room, quickly!
SASHA:Why? What has that fool Rabbo done now?
ABBIE:It’s not Chris! It’s... it’s Fuzzy! Fuzzy’s alive!
BAIK-BAIK:The King’s not dead?
SASHA:How can this be? Rabbo and Lucky have been robbed of their Godliness.
ABBIE:Fuzzy was Captain Tricky the whole time!
SASHA:What? I’ll kill him for making me suffer like this! I- I mean, I... Fuzzy! Fuzzy’s not dead! Thank goodness! Take me to him! My Fuzzy is alive! Until I get my hands on him, that is! The dirty, underhanded bastard! Oh, dear, did I just say that? Suddenly my head feels a bit loopy...
ABBIE:I think I’d better take you to see Doctor Gumman.
(Cut to the medical bay of the Nerpalon 12 UBF base. In the centre of the room are two hospital beds. On one lies Fuzzy, with Gumman standing next to him. Skunky is next to the second bed, on which lies Sasha.)
GUMMAN:We’d better get on with it, Draino. The sooner the King and Queen have got operative heads, the better.
SKUNKY:How do you think we should approach the treatment?
GUMMAN:My many years as a highly qualified medical practitioner tell me that psychiatric counselling is the way to go. But my instincts tell me to hit them on the head with mallets.
(Skunky produces two large mallets, tossing one to Gumman, who catches it.)
SKUNKY:Sounds good.
(The two doctors simultaneously clobber their patients with the hammers. Fuzzy and Sasha yelp, and sit up quickly, clutching their pain-racked heads.)
FUZZY: What the hell was that for, Doctor Gumman? You’re mad! You’re all mad!
GUMMAN:I think it worked, Draino.
SASHA:Fuzzy! Fuzzy, I... thought you’d left me! The... the... I don’t... remember much.
FUZZY:I would never leave you, Sash! You know that!
GUMMAN:No, he’d never leave you. He’d go insane, fake his own death and then run around the palace dressed up as Batman for three weeks, but he’d never leave you.
FUZZY:What on earth are you on about, you mad quack?
SKUNKY:You’re a truly brilliant doctor, Willits. Your treatment was a complete success.
GUMMAN:Yes. A happy ending.
SKUNKY:Not quite. Hoppy and Laff are still fighting, and Anastasia is still in the Palace, granted an official and irrevocable pardon by the deluded and deranged King Fuzzy/Captain Tricky, and Rabbo and Lucky aren’t Gods any more...
FUZZY:Goodness! I’ve missed a lot while I’ve been a basketcase, haven’t I?
GUMMAN:You could say that. Now shut up and rest. You’ve recovered from your dementia, but it’ll be a few days before you get over your concussion.
FUZZY:Well, if you hadn’t hit us on the head with hammers...
GUMMAN:What can I say? I needed to keep my hand in for the next time Jim spouts one of those stupid ‘How do you think’ stories.
FUZZY:Yeah, yeah, right, sure fine. Now let’s just get down to the others. Come on, Sash – we’ve got a Happy Ending to arrange.
(The End.)

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