SEASON ONE EPISODE ONE | |
THE TAX-US CHAINSAW MASSACRE | |
(Abbie is shopping in a supermarket. Uncle Earless is working at the counter.) | |
ABBIE: |
Excuse me, Mister Earless, how much is this tin of pickled carrots? |
EARLESS: |
Seven hundred and forty-five dollars. |
ABBIE: |
Seven hundred and forty-five dollars? |
EARLESS: |
Yes. That's including the Fermented Vinegar Tax, as introduced in the 1976 'Utterly Absurd Taxes' Act. |
ABBIE: |
Why, I don't believe there's any such thing. |
EARLESS: |
Of course there is! How do you think I lost my ears? |
ABBIE (mumbles): |
The hitman swung a little high with his ninja sword? |
EARLESS: |
Don't mumble. Anyway, I once tried to evade the Fermented Vinegar Tax by swapping the label of a bottle of vinegar for the label of a tin of diced pears. But they found me out. |
ABBIE: |
And? |
EARLESS: |
As punishment they chopped off my ears. And they made me pay the twelve thousand dollar Diced Fruit From Supermarkets Tax to boot. |
(Fuzzy Enters Looking Angry) | |
FUZZY: |
Get this garbage off my show! This is s'posed to be a space opera, not some third-rate comedy show! |
ABBIE: |
Pushy! Here's my seven hundred and forty-five dollars, Mister Earless. See you later. |
EARLESS: |
Enjoy your carrots! |
FUZZY: |
Just go! |
(Cut to a dark city alley. Laff has cornered five chainsaws. He has a gun.) | |
LAFF: |
Ha ha! Prepare to be massacred, chainsaws of Texas! |
CHAINSAW 5: |
Oh no! This guy is the chainsaw killer who's been terrorising Texas for months! |
(Laff shoots the first chainsaw dead and turns to shoot the second.) | |
CHAINSAW 2: |
Wait! Uh... have you, uh... paid your 'Chainsaw Killing' Tax yet? |
LAFF: |
Huh? |
CHAINSAW 2: |
It's under the 1976 'Utterly Absurd Taxes' Act. For every chainsaw you kill, you have to cough up seventy-two million dollars, or the government gets the police to send a SoWhat Team after you. |
LAFF: |
There's no such tax! |
(Earless enters, chased by Fuzzy) | |
EARLESS: |
Of course there is! How do you think I lost my-- |
FUZZY: |
Get off! |
(Fuzzy drags the indignant Earless off screen. While Laff watches, the chainsaws escape.) | |
LAFF: |
What? Those scummy chainsaws escaped! I'll get them yet! I'll-- (cough cough) hmmm... suddenly I feel ill. |
(He coughs and turns into a teabag.) |
|
LAFF: |
Oh no! I've caught Acute Teabagterial Beverage Sachetitis, a shocking disease that transforms its victims into sentient tea bags! |
(Cut to the bridge of Fuzzy's spaceship, the UBF (United Bunny Fleet) Insectblanket. Fuzzy is watching Laff's sketch on a monitor. He changes the channel. The monitor now shows two bunny sweethearts (Abbie and Westminster) sitting in a park. Cut to park. Abbie and Westminster.) | |
ABBIE: |
Honeytail, let's sing our song. You know, 'The Bunnies in Love Song'. |
WESTMINSTER: |
Yes, let's schnooky-ookums. |
(He coughs almost imperceptibly) | |
ABBIE: |
A one, a two, a one, two, three, four-- |
WESTMINSTER: |
Hold it, sweetie-fur. I don't feel very well. |
(They both turn into teabags) | |
WESTMINSTER: |
Oh, no! Sachetitis! |
ABBIE: |
Do you know what this means? |
WESTMINSTER: |
Surely not... |
ABBIE: |
Yes! |
WESTMINSTER: |
We'll be kidnapped by mad British lords and drowned in teapots! |
ABBIE: |
No, thicko. It means we can't sing 'Bunnies in Love'. We have to sing 'The Tea Bag Song'. |
(The Tea Bag Song) | |
ABBIE: |
'I'm not unhappy |
WESTMINSTER: |
Yeah, yeah. |
ABBIE: |
Being a Tea Bag. |
WESTMINSTER: |
Woo, woo. |
ABBIE: |
Our love is strong. |
(Cut to the bridge. Fuzzy presses a button. The scene in the park is replaced by a golf course. Earless and Colonel Bullocksnap are playing golf.) | |
FUZZY: |
Ah, some sport. I'd much rather watch golf than listen to Abbigail and her braindead husband sing a song about tea bags. |
(Cut to the golf game) | |
EARLESS: |
So, Bullocksnap, old boy, did I ever tell you how I lost my ears? |
BULLOCKSNAP (to camera): |
About eight million times. And the explanation's always different. |
EARLESS: |
I was playing golf with the maharaja of Olleanstan on his private course. Now, it was sixteen hundred kilometres from the tee-off to the first hole. So I gave it my best shot. Made a hole-in-one, you know, but the stroke was so powerful that my golf club followed through a little too far and sliced my ears clean off. |
BULLOCKSNAP (wearily): |
Jolly good, old boy. |
(Four chainsaws run by in the background chased by a tea bag with a gun (Laff).) | |
EARLESS: |
I say, Bullocksnap old bean, do you feel one-hundred percent? I feel quite ill. I shall have to sit-- |
(They both turn into teabags) | |
EARLESS: |
--down. |
BULLOCKSNAP: |
I say, Earless old chap, we're tea bags! What rotten bounder did this to us? We don't have to put up with this kind of script. I'm complaining to Mister Fuzzy. |
(Cut to the bridge. Fuzzy is being yelled at by several angry tea bags (his cast).) | |
WESTMINSTER (teabag): |
Turn us back right now! You're the only one who can modify the script so late in the show. |
FUZZY: |
Look, it's not my fault. None of this was in the script. This is a genuine epidemic. I'm going to call the world's foremost Sachetitis specialist, Doctor Willits Gumman. |
(Cut to Gumman's surgery. Fuzzy, Gumman and Fuzzy's cast (still tea bags).) | |
GUMMAN: |
So, you people have caught the tea bag disease. |
FUZZY: |
Yes. All of my staff have it, but luckily, I was immunised as a child. |
EARLESS (teabag): |
But so was I, and I still caught it! |
ABBIE (teabag): |
I didn't know you were immunised, dad. |
EARLESS (teabag): |
Of course I was. How do you think I lost my-- |
GUMMAN: |
I'll just test your reflexes, Mister Cleveland. |
(Dr. Gumman knocks out Earless with a large mallet.) | |
GUMMAN: |
Now, Mister Fuzzy, there's only one way to cure a teabagterial virus. I'll have to put the patients on a course of anteapotics. |
TEA BAGS: |
No! Not that! |
GUMMAN: |
Yes. A few good doses of cuppacillin. Here's your predictions. |
(He hands the tea bags small pieces of paper.) | |
FUZZY: |
Don't you mean 'prescriptions'? |
GUMMAN: |
No. I'm not actually a doctor. I'm really a clairvoyant. |
WESTMINSTER: |
Oh. I thought your name was Willits Gumman, not Claire Voyant. |
GUMMAN: |
My name IS Willits Gumman. |
WESTMINSTER: |
Oh. Sorry, Doctor Claire Gumman. |
GUMMAN: |
My name is Willits! |
WESTMINSTER: |
Sorry, Doctor Claire Willits. |
GUMMAN: |
My first name's Willits! |
WESTMINSTER: |
Ah. So your name is Willits Claire. |
GUMMAN: |
My name's not Claire! |
WESTMINSTER: |
Oh, I am sorry, Doctor Willits... Willits. |
GUMMAN: |
My name is Willits Gumman! |
WESTMINSTER: |
Oh, why didn't you say so? |
(Willits Gumman faints) | |
FUZZY: |
Let's just pick up your medicine and go home. |
(Fade to black. Credits roll.) | |
FUZZY(VO): |
The Bunnies all took their medicine and followed the Doctor's orders. In just a few days they were all fully recovered. The end. |