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SEASON ONE EPISODE TWO |
THE SERIOUS SPACE OPERA |
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(The bridge. Bunniquette is seated behind a desk. She's wearing glasses.) | |
BUNNIQUETTE: | Welcome to the Insectblanket news. I'm your host, Bunniquette O'Bunbun. In tonight's news: the arrival of three new crew members on Fuzzy Bunny's starship, the UBF Insectblanket. One of these three newcomers is me, one is my boss, Hoppy Lashes the Eighth, a descendent of the original Bunny Fun, and the third is Hoppy's boyfriend, Mal Bunny. The UBF have sent us here because life on Hoppy's ship had degenerated into a third-rate comedy show and we wanted to be in a serious space opera. Film at eleven. |
(A monitor behind her shows Hoppy Lashes and Laff in an office. Laff is interviewing Hoppy. Cut to Laff's office.) | |
LAFF: | Do you have any previous experience when it comes to running a starship? |
HOPPY LASHES: | Yes. For several years I was the captain of the Weasel class cruiser, UBF Nebula. My family have been UBF officers for generations. |
LAFF: | Generations? The new Star Trek movie? Well, in that case I'd better give you the job, since we are here primarily to rip off shows like Star Trek. |
HOPPY LASHES: | That's not what I meant. And besides, I already have the job. The casting director signed me up a week ago. Why are we in here messing around? This is supposed to be a serious space opera. |
(Fuzzy enters, followed by Mal and Bunniquette) | |
FUZZY: | Laff! Cut that out! Everyone to the bridge. We're about to start my serious space opera. |
HOPPY LASHES: | About time. |
MAL: | I'll say. |
(Cut to Abbie's quarters, where she and Westminster are playing chess.) | |
ABBIE: | We'd better get to the bridge. Fuzzy's new show starts in a minute. |
WESTMINSTER: | But it's his serious space opera! I joined this show because your father said it was a third-rate comedy show! I don't want to run around pretending to zap aliens and fly a spaceship. |
ABBIE: | You should never have trusted my father. He doesn't know what the word 'comedy' means. |
(Earless enters) | |
EARLESS: | Of course I do! How do you think I lost my-- |
(Fuzzy runs in and drags Earless away. He pops his head back in to say:) | |
FUZZY: | Report to the Bridge immediately, officers Biggles and Cleveland Biggles. My serious space opera is about to start. |
WESTMINSTER (mumbles): | Yeah, sure. |
(Cut to the bridge, where the entire cast is assembled, each holding a script.) | |
FUZZY: | Right, does everyone know their lines? Good. You can do the voice-over now, Bunniquette. |
BUNNIQUETTE: | The year is 4365. On the tiny starship Insectblanket, the last remaining representatives of the Bunny race travel the universe looking for neat stuff to do. Yes, this is... Star Bunnies. Starring Fuzzy Bunny as Admiral Fuzzy and Abbigail Cleveland-Biggles as First-mate Gabbie Ail. Also featured in this star-spanning astro-drama are Earless Cleveland as The Dirty Old Man and Colonel Alexander Bullocksnap as Corporal Private Lieutenant Officer Frank Leathernose... |
FUZZY: | Action! |
(The show begins. The cast are now reading from their scripts.) | |
ABBIE: | Oh, Admiral Fuzzy, come quickly! There's a-- |
(Bunniquette interrupts. She hasn't finished her voice-over.) | |
BUNNIQUETTE: | ...and Westminster J. Biggles as The Whiny Little Jerk... |
FUZZY: | Bunniquette! |
BUNNIQUETTE: | And Willits Gumman as Professor Cecil Bucketwrapper. Guest Starring Commander Laff as Kitchenspool Tiddlesock, Hoppy Lashes the Eighth as Space Hero Miss Fipplerot, and Mal Bunny as Intergalactic Rogue, Gumball Quickstump... |
FUZZY: | Take two. |
ABBIE: | Oh, Admiral Fuzzy-- |
BUNNIQUETTE: | And featuring Bunniquette O'Bunbun as The Annoying Voice-Over Girl Who keeps Interrupting the Cast Members. |
(There is a short silence) | |
BUNNIQUETTE: | What?! Who wrote this script? |
WESTMINSTER: | I'm not too pleased with my role either. |
BULLOCKSNAP: | Come now, Fuzzy's been wanting to do a serious space opera for as long as I've known him. The least we can do is let him have his way just this once. |
FUZZY: | Thank you, Colonel. I-- hey, whatta you mean 'just this once'? This is my show. I pay your salaries, and you're living in my spaceship. So if we don't get some results with my space opera script, I'm going to get very angry. |
HOPPY LASHES: | Fuzzy's right. You owe him. |
MAL: | Look, let's just either do this script or give up. All this arguing is getting on my nerves. |
FUZZY: | Ha! What about my nerves? Day in, day out, I look after you guys, and you repay me by turning my serious space opera into a farcical third-rate comedy show each and every week. |
EARLESS: | Speaking of which, it's time to cut to the next sketch. |
(Cut to Gumman's surgery. Gumman's current patient is Abbie) | |
GUMMAN: | What seems to be the trouble, Mrs Cleveland-Biggles? |
ABBIE: | I have a terrible pain in my elbow. |
GUMMAN: | Have you had this pain before? |
ABBIE: | Yes, I have. |
GUMMAN: | Well, you've got it again! Ho, ho, ho! Heavens, I'm funny. |
ABBIE: | A regular riot. |
GUMMAN: | But seriously... obviously you are suffering from an attack of Elbowpainitis. A course of this medicine will soon cure you. Here's your inscription. |
(He gives Abbie a small piece of paper) | |
ABBIE: | Inscription? Don't you mean 'prescription'? |
GUMMAN: | No. I'm not really a doctor. I'm actually an archaeologist. |
ABBIE: | Boom, boom. |
(Cut back to the bridge, where the cast is watching the sketch on a monitor.) | |
EARLESS: | Bravo! A work of art! I loved it! You were great, Abbigail, dear. Nice work, Doctor Gumman. You know, I had a pain in my elbow, once. |
MAL: | Did you? |
EARLESS: | Of course. How do you think I lost my ears? |
MAL: | Gee, I don't know. How did you lose your ears? |
ABBIE, FUZZY, LAFF: | Aaaagh! Don't ask him that question! |
EARLESS: | Too late! Well, once, I was in a hospital having my elbow examined, and the doctor tested my reflexes-- |
(Gumman knocks Earless out with a large mallet) | |
GUMMAN: | He'll lose more than his ears if he doesn't shut up. |
ABBIE: | I can't believe that earless old coot is my father. |
FUZZY: | Yes, well, perhaps if this was a proper space opera, you would turn out to be adopted. Maybe your real parents would be fabulously rich alien monarchs with extraordinary superhuman powers. But that sort of thing doesn't happen in third-rate comedy shows. |
ABBIE: | Gosh... that sounds neat... maybe we should let Fuzzy do his serious space opera. |
WESTMINSTER: | Are you kidding? You hate space operas. |
ABBIE: | I quite like 'Pigs In Space'. |
WESTMINSTER: | I rest my case. 'Pigs in Space' is from a third-rate comedy show. That's why you like it, and that's why we should be doing comedy, not drama. |
HOPPY LASHES: | Are you saying the Muppet Show is third-rate? I oughta punch you out. |
WESTMINSTER: | I, uh, I didn't mean that it's not funny, I just meant, that, it's, uh... |
HOPPY LASHES: | Uncultured oaf. |
(Hoppy Lashes punches Westminster out. He falls to the floor, unconscious) | |
FUZZY: | Why me? |
(A chainsaw in an Australia Post uniform enters and gives Fuzzy a letter) | |
CHAINSAW 1: | Letter for Mister Fuzzy. |
(Once Fuzzy has the letter, the chainsaw leaves.) | |
FUZZY: |
'Dear Mister Fuzzy Bunny, we would like you to come to |
HOPPY LASHES: | You lucky devil! I'm so proud of you. I'll set the co-ordinates for Hollywood straight away. |
BUNNIQUETTE: | Gee, I always wanted to go to Hollywood. Do you think we'll get to meet Fernando Curtainsuela? |
MAL: | I heard he was kidnapped by environmental terrorists and strangled to death by Bill Clinton. |
HOPPY LASHES: | No, that was Mikey Kumquat. Curtainsuela was eaten alive by carnivorous footstools. |
FUZZY: | I think you're all mad. Just the escape pod will do. I'll be going alone. |
OTHERS: | What? But-- |
FUZZY: | No. I'm sick of you. You guys have been ruining my space opera for weeks now. |
ABBIE: | But Fuzzy, you're going to Hollywood! It's the chance of a lifetime! You can't deprive your loyal crew of something like this. |
FUZZY: | Loyal crew? I'd rather have a crew made up of rabid pitbulls with shotguns. |
LAFF: | I don't think you're taking this seriously, Admiral Fuzzy. |
(Hoppy Lashes moves to the computer console) | |
GUMMAN: |
This reminds me of a patient I once treated who refused to take his nephew Skippy to the ballgame. See, the guy's cousin, Marge, had recently bought this poodle, and-- |
HOPPY LASHES: | I have bad news, Admiral. I got the computer to run a check on the letter you got. It's a forgery. That chainsaw who delivered it? He's an escaped criminal. |
LAFF: | You should have let me shoot him in episode one. |
FUZZY: | It's not my fault you turned into a teabag. |
HOPPY LASHES: | You do realise that this means you're not really the next Doctor Who, Admiral Fuzzy? |
FUZZY: | Sigh... I knew it was too good to be true. |
(Fuzzy exits, gone off to sulk) | |
BUNNIQUETTE: | How sad. He really wants to be in a serious space opera. |
(Uncle Earless has woken up) | |
EARLESS: | I was in a serious space opera once. |
MAL: | Really? |
(Earless and Mal vanish into thin air.) | |
LAFF: | Where did they go? |
HOPPY LASHES: | I beamed them down to Ranuflax-4. |
LAFF: | The planet where hideously deformed monsters eat bunnies for breakfast? |
HOPPY LASHES: | No. The planet where the local TV station shows nothing but Thunderbirds all day. |
LAFF: | Remind me never to get you angry. |