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SEASON ONE EPISODE THREE |
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STAR BUNNIES |
(The bridge. Laff, Hoppy and Bunniquette seated at various console terminals. Fuzzy is being captain.) | |
HOPPY LASHES: | Admiral Fuzzy! There's an unidentified craft on the radar. |
FUZZY: | Tiddlesock, try to radio them and ask for their UBF ID code. |
LAFF: | No can do, Admiral. They don't answer. |
FUZZY: | Space Hero Miss Fipplerot, you'll have to take us closer to their spaceship so we can board them and find out who they are. |
HOPPY LASHES: | Yes, Admiral. Set the engines for class six propulsion biscuits, Annoying Voice-Over Girl. |
BUNNIQUETTE: | Certainly, Miss Fipplerot. |
(Abbie enters.) | |
FUZZY: | Ah, First-mate, Gabbie Ail. Any news? |
ABBIE: | No, sir. The waffle iron still isn't working. |
FUZZY: | What? That's not in the script. |
ABBIE: | Yes it is. Right here on page seven. |
FUZZY: | Show me. |
(Abbie shows Fuzzy her script) | |
FUZZY: | That's your husband's hand-writing! Westminster! Get in here! |
(Westminster enters, followed by Earless.) | |
FUZZY: | You've been tampering with Abbie's script, haven't you, Biggles? |
WESTMINSTER: | Who, me? Never. Must have been Uncle Earless. |
FUZZY: | Oh, Uncle Earless writes Serious Space Opera scripts, does he? |
EARLESS: | Of course. How you think I lost my-- |
(A large, heavy, pink grand piano falls on Earless's head. Mal enters.) | |
MAL: | Oh, I am sorry. One of our props appears to have fallen from the ceiling-mounted props box and smashed Uncle Earless on the head. |
FUZZY: | I knew it was a good idea to hire you as props manager. |
MAL: | Well, I'm the first to admit that I'm not cut out for work in front of the camera. That may be why Hoppy's space opera failed. I played the male lead, you know. |
BUNNIQUETTE: | Not very well. |
MAL: | That's exactly the point I was trying to make, thank you, 'Quette. |
FUZZY: | Well, that's our first take ruined. Cut. Get the crew down here. |
(Four chainsaws (the film crew) enter.) | |
FUZZY: | Sorry, guys. We'll have to take that scene from the top. |
CHAINSAW 1: | You'll need to take a break while we help Mal fix up the props and get the set ready. |
FUZZY: | Fine. Fifteen minute coffee break, cast. Back here at half-past ten. |
WESTMINSTER: | Cut to the Bunny Sweethearts sketch. |
(Cut to the park, where the Bunny Sweethearts (Abbie and Westminster) are having a picnic.) | |
ABBIE: | Honey tail, let's sing the 'Bunnies in Love' Song. |
WESTMINSTER: | Yes, let's. |
(A chainsaw (the director) enters) | |
CHAINSAW 2: | Great, brilliant, fantastic. Stunt doubles! |
(Enter Laff and Gumman, dressed as Westminster and Abbie respectively. Gumman is wearing a wig and false eyelashes. He looks lovely in Abbie's pink skirt. Abbie and Westminster exit) | |
CHAINSAW 2: | Right. Scene twelve, action. |
(He leaves and dozens of dancing rabbits appear, top hats and canes. They launch into an elaborate musical production number (The 'Bunnies in Love' Song) with Laff and Gumman lip-synching to Abbie and Westminster's vocal track. After the ten minute song-and-dance finishes, the director returns and says:) | |
CHAINSAW 2: | Cut! Good. Abbie, Westminster. |
Abbie and Westminster return and take their places. After saying:) | |
CHAINSAW 2: | Action! |
(...the director exits again.) | |
ABBIE: | Wasn't it fun to sing our song? |
WESTMINSTER: | I don't understand this sketch. |
ABBIE: | I don't think you're supposed to. |
(The director rushes back in, angry.) | |
CHAINSAW 2: | Those lines weren't in the script! This is professional television comedy! No impro! |
ABBIE: | I can't work under these conditions. |
WESTMINSTER: | Mal! Cut back to the Bridge. |
(Cut back to the Bridge). | |
CHAINSAW 1: | Okay. Everything's ready for take two. Off the floor! |
(Mal, the chainsaws, Westminster, Abbie and Earless exit. Fuzzy, Hoppy and Laff take their original positions.) | |
HOPPY LASHES: | Admiral Fuzzy! There's an unidentified craft on the radar! |
FUZZY: | Tiddlesock, try to radio them and-- |
(The piano falls down again, narrowly missing Fuzzy.) | |
FUZZY: | What?! Mal! What's going on? |
(Mal, looking apologetic, and Chainsaw 1 enter.) | |
CHAINSAW 1: | I told you it was dumb to have a ceiling-mounted props box. |
MAL: | Well, I just thought that it would make things-- |
FUZZY: | Fatal? lethal? Death-defyingly dangerous? You're all mad. Every last one of you. That's another take ruined. |
CHAINSAW 1: | Just keep going, Fuzzy. We'll edit this crap out before we go to air. |
MAL: | Sorry. I'll make sure the piano doesn't fall out of the ceiling-mounted props box again. |
LAFF: | Why do we need a piano in our props box anyway? I've read the whole script, and there's no piano. I reckon you're a pretty dodgy props manager, Mal Bunny. |
FUZZY: | Ahem. Tiddlesock, try to radio them and ask for their UBF ID code. |
LAFF: | Uh... oh yeah. No can do, Admiral. They don't answer. |
FUZZY: | Space Hero Miss Fipplerot, you'll have to-- |
MAL: | Anyway, I bet no one here would make a better props manager than me. |
CHAINSAW 1: | Well they couldn't be worse. |
MAL: | Oh, it's like that, is it? Well, I don't have to put up with this sort of rubbish. I quit. Hoppy, set a course for the Cast-iron-wild-boar System. I'm going back to live on board the UBF Nebula by myself. Nobody wants me around here. |
HOPPY LASHES: | Oh, come on, Mal. Don't be stupid. |
MAL: | See?! Even my girlfriend thinks I'm stupid. |
HOPPY LASHES: | I didn't say you were stupid. I just told you not to be stupid. |
FUZZY: | I hate to interrupt this tender moment, but could we just-- |
(Earless runs in, out of breath.) | |
EARLESS: | Admiral Fuzzy! There's an unidentified craft on the radar! They're powering up their lasers and their weapons are pointed right at us! |
FUZZY: | At least somebody is trying to stick to the script. |
EARLESS: | I'm not acting! There really is a hostile starship out there! Laff! Set shields to Level Twelve Monkey-Suit Barrel-Induction. |
LAFF: | I'm not sure if we have enough power for Level Twelve Monkey-Suit Barrel-Induction! Most of our energy is being sent to the lighting box. |
EARLESS: | Forget about the stage lighting! We've got a giant war-cruiser gunning for us out there! |
FUZZY: | Are you serious? |
EARLESS: | Yes!! |
FUZZY: | Oh. Commander Laff! Set shields to Level Twelve Monkey-Suit barrel-Induction immediately. |
LAFF: | But the lighting-- |
FUZZY: | Do it. Bunniquette, I want everyone aboard the Insectblanket here on the bridge. Who's missing as of now? |
BUNNIQUETTE: | Abbie, Mister Biggles, and the Colonel. Three of the chainsaws and Doctor Gumman. I'll go get them all. |
(exits.) | |
FUZZY: | Lieutenant-Commander Lashes, I want you manning our Class Fourteen Mega-Boom Electro-Cannon. If the hostile craft looks as though it's going to fire, beat them to it. |
HOPPY LASHES: | Yes, Admiral. If you say so. |
FUZZY: | We can't afford to be blown up at this stage. Not when I've finally got everyone taking my Star Bunnies scripts seriously. |
(Bunniquette returns with Abbie, the chainsaws, Westminster, the Colonel, and Gumman..) | |
GUMMAN: | You know, this reminds me of one of my patients. See, this guy had a ticket for the Tom Jones concert, but he met this pigeon with no legs, who-- |
LAFF: | Shut up, you daft old quack. |
GUMMAN: | I never did like Dropoffs. |
LAFF: | Aha! So, you persecute me simply because I'm not from your planet? Nazi! Nazi! |
GUMMAN: | Alien freak! Slimy Dropoff Barbarian! |
FUZZY: | Children! We're trying to promote racial harmony here. I won't allow this bickering. |
HOPPY LASHES: | We may not be able to bicker for much longer. It looks as though our friends outside are about to shoot, and we don't have enough power to fire our own weapons. |
FUZZY: | What? Laff, I told you, full power to shields and armory. |
LAFF: | I've done everything I can, Admiral, but we've exhausted most of our power cells. Your video-editing machines use a lot of juice. |
FUZZY: | Aargh! Then, uh, forget our weapons. Pump the shields up to Level Thirteen Full Carwash Marinated-Spinach Cycle. |
LAFF: | But if we turn the shields up that high, we won't have enough energy to run the Waffle Iron when we get it fixed. |
FUZZY: | I gave you an order, Commander. |
WESTMINSTER: | This is scary. We're all going to die. |
(The ship rocks. They've been hit.) | |
HOPPY LASHES: | We've been hit. |
FUZZY: | Bunniquette! Damage report! |
BUNNIQUETTE: | Rear stabilisers damaged. Sixty-five percent purple. I don't think we can take another hit like that. |
FUZZY: | Abbie! Do something! |
ABBIE: | I think I just got through to their communications officer. (Into a small microphone) This is the UBF Insectblanket. We mean no harm. Please identify yourselves. |
(She listens to the reply through her headphones for a second, then turns back to Fuzzy..) | |
ABBIE: | Admiral! I've sorted things out. It was all a misunderstanding. |
HOPPY LASHES: | Who is it? |
ABBIE: | It's just the Enterprise. |
FUZZY: | What? The Enterprise? Wow! I love Star Trek. Can we meet Captain Kirk? |
ABBIE: | Oh, not that Enterprise. The UBF Enterprise. Captained by Dudley Q. Jerkspittle. |
FUZZY: | The Wombat Marauder? |
ABBIE: | Yes |
FUZZY: | Oh. Why did they shoot at us? |
ABBIE: | They thought we were the UBF Nebula. |
HOPPY LASHES: | What? Why would they want to shoot my ship? |
ABBIE: | Dudley Q. Jerkspittle (The Wombat Marauder) is the president of the UBF Props Managers' Guild. He's seen Mal's work. |
MAL: | Everyone hates me. |
EARLESS: | Stop feeling sorry for yourself. I've met Dudley Q. Jerkspittle (The Wombat Marauder), you know. |
MAL: | Oh. Have you? |
EARLESS: | Oh course. How you think I lost my-- |
(The piano falls on Earless again..) | |
MAL: | Sorry. |
FUZZY: | I guess you're not really a bad props manager after all. |
MAL: | You mean it? |
(The cast gather round the piano and Bunniquette begins to play 'Take Another Little Piece of My heart' while the others sing along. Mal does a little dance. When the song is over, the screen fades to black and the credits roll. Abbie and Westminster's voices are heard over the credits.) | |
WESTMINSTER (VO): | Why did we end the episode with that song? |
ABBIE (VO): | I don't know. I guess it's the only song Bunniquette can play. | WESTMINSTER (VO): | I don't understand this show. |