SEASON ONE EPISODE TWELVE

A SEA KIDNEY CHRISTMAS

(The Bridge. It is decorated with tinsel and a string of Christmas cards hangs over it. Fuzzy, Bullocksnap, Lucky and Gumman are there)

LUCKY:

I despise this Christianisation of Yule. Death to all Christ-lovers!

GUMMAN:

He's determined to hate everything that has anything to do with religion, isn't he?

FUZZY:

Gods are like that.

GUMMAN:

Uh... okay.

BULLOCKSNAP: 

Who wants to pick up the tree?

FUZZY:

Howie's gone to get it now.

BULLOCKSNAP:

 Howie? Who's Howie?

GUMMAN:

It's not the walrus, is it?

FUZZY:

No. Howie is one of the chainsaws.

GUMMAN:

They have names?

FUZZY:

Apparently. But Howie is the only one I know.

BULLOCKSNAP:

Is that girl chainsaw still causing trouble? The one who is apprenticed to Teddy Uulamets?

FUZZY:

Sometimes one of her spells backfires, but she's doing quite well.

(Chainsaw 1 enters, carrying a large Christmas tree.)

CHAINSAW 1:

Here you go. I'd hang around and help you trim it, but I've gotta help the guys with the next sketch.

FUZZY:

That's fine.

(Cut to the roof of a house. It's snowing. A sleigh led by eight bushrats lands on the roof. The one at the front is red, but all the others are baby pink. In the sleigh is Uulamets, dressed as Santa Claus.)

UULAMETS:

Do I really have to go down the chimney?

RED BUSHRAT:

Yes.

UULAMETS:

How? I won't fit.

RED BUSHRAT:

You're the wizard. Whip up some magic.

UULAMETS:

I think I will.

(Uulamets turns all the bushrats into little Christmas puddings)

UULAMETS:

There. Much better.

(We hear the sleigh-phone ringing. Uulamets answers it.)

UULAMETS:

Oh. Hello, daughter, dear. What? Oh. Did you see the sketch? Yes, I turned the bushrats into -- what? Christmas what? Spirit? There's a ghost here? I don't see it. Huh? Oh. It's what? I'm sorry, I don't understand... yes, but so are you. All right. Bye. (He hangs up and calls out towards the camera) Hey, chainsaws! Sasha said I ruined this take. Just cut to the Malt Shoppe.

(Cut to the Malt Shoppe. It too is festively decorated. The entire cast is there: Fuzzy, Abbie, Westminster, Earless, Bullocksnap, Gumman, Bunniquette, Mal, Lucky, Chris, Uulamets, Sasha, and the four chainsaws.)

FUZZY:

Merry Christmas, everybody!

LUCKY:

I still think all this Jesus stuff is stupid.

ABBIE:

Well, you would, being a pagan bunny Thunder God and all.

LUCKY:

One does have certain responsibilities when one is a pagan deity...

WESTMINSTER:

This place gets weirder every day.

CHRIS RABBO: 

That's just what Ronald was saying to me this morning.

WESTMINSTER:

Ronald. The walrus.

CHRIS RABBO:

Yes. Except it's not 'Ronald', it's 'Terry'.

WESTMINSTER:

I don't care.

CHRIS RABBO:

Naughty, naughty! If you say that, the Care Bears will come down and get you.

WESTMINSTER:

I hope the bunnies in the white coats come and 'get' you.

FUZZY:

No fighting, guys. It's Christmas Eve.

CHRIS RABBO:

My name's not 'Eve'. But my walrus's name is Adam. Does that count?

WESTMINSTER:

Shut up. You're a moron.

CHRIS RABBO:

Yes. I play the character named 'Moron McBunny' in Fuzzy's 'Uncanny Mutie-Rabbits' show.

BUNNIQUETTE:

Christopher Rabbo, you are the dumbest fool I've ever met.

CHRIS RABBO:

Bunniquette! Be my wife!

(Bunniquette punches him out)

FUZZY:

'Quette! It's Christmas Eve! That's enough violence.

BUNNIQUETTE:

Only if Rabbo never gets up/

FUZZY:

Just behave. Mal, what's the time.

MAL:

In about thirty-eight seconds it will be midnight.

(There's 38 seconds of silence. Mal's watch beeps.)

FUZZY:

It's Christmas!

(He produces a large sack.)

FUZZY:

I have gifts for everyone!

(He begins to hand out the gifts...)

FUZZY:

Sasha, for you I have an autographed photo of Mickey Mouse.

SASHA:

Oh! How did you know?

FUZZY:

Abbie, this park bench is for you. It's to replace the one that's still on Yoople 5. Westminster, I got you a garbage bin.

WESTMINSTER:

How thoughtful.

ABBIE:

Thanks.

FUZZY:

Uncle Earless, for you I bought this fully poseable Clark Gable action figure.

EARLESS:

Hours of fun for the whole family.

FUZZY:

Colonel, I got you a semi-automatic rifle with a laser sight and a detachable orange bayonet.

BULLOCKSNAP:

I'm speechless, Admiral.

FUZZY:

Bunniquette, here. A pink grand piano. I know you miss the one we left aboard the Nebula. Mal, I got you a new props box. It can hang right on the wall.

MAL:

Thank you, Fuzzy.

FUZZY:

Willits, you get an edible, cherry-flavoured stethoscope. Hope you enjoy it.

GUMMAN:

Right.

FUZZY:

Lucky, since you're a Thunder God, I got you an umbrella. Just in case you aim wrong with a storm cloud.

LUCKY:

Foolish mortal.

FUZZY:

Uulamets, for your present I rang up my father and told him that you were not a mass murderer.

UULAMETS:

I may weep.

FUZZY:

Chris, this book is for you.

CHRIS RABBO:

'Tricks to Teach Your Walrus Volume Five: Rolling Over'. Just what I wanted!

FUZZY:

Chainsaws, you each get... a salary! You've been helping out with the show since day one, with no pay and little recognition. We couldn't produce Star Bunnies without you.

WESTMINSTER:

We rarely produce Star Bunnies at all.

FUZZY:

Three cheers for the chainsaws!

ALL:

Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!

CHRIS RABBO:

Hip replacement! Hip replacement! Tonsillectomy!

CHAINSAW 1:

On behalf of Ralph, Lennie, Tessa and myself, I'd like to thank you all for having us. It's very difficult for chainsaws to get a decent job in the television industry. Let's have a round of applause for Fuzzy Bunny!

ALL BUT FUZZY:

  Yay Fuzzy!

FUZZY:

Our first season has been a total success. I couldn't have done it without every last one of you. Special thanks go to Abbie, the only sane bunny amongst us, and to Sasha, the one who's in love with me. Star Bunnies forever!

ALL:

Star Bunnies forever!

(As the credits roll, we watch the cast singing assorted Christmas carols, Standing under a piece of mistletoe, Mal and Bunniquette kiss. Uulamets and Rabbo look on apprehensively. Cut to deep space, where Hoppy and Laff's ship sits)

HOPPY'S VOICE:

Merry Christmas, Laff! Laff ? Wake up, Laff. Laff--? Laff! Laff!

(Hoppy Lashes screams. Season One of The Fuzzy Bunny Show is ended.)