SEASON ONE EPISODE ELEVEN

RABBO SEASON

(Chris Rabbo is in the Malt Shoppe with Fuzzy, Sasha and Lucky. The jukebox is playing the Bunniquette O'Bunbun version of 'Route 66'.)

CHRIS RABBO:

So, what do you guys do for fun on this spaceship?

LUCKY:

Create monstrous storms and blast passing asteroids with bolts of lightning.

CHRIS RABBO:

Cool.

FUZZY:

Actually, very few of us do that. Lucky is the only one. Generally we just hang out down here and listen to the jukebox, or play tennis, or go up to the studios and film a TV shop, or visit the museum of Porky Pig memorabilia. Nothing special.

(Chainsaw 3 appears in a puff of smoke.)

CHAINSAW 3:

Sorry. Just practicing my magic.

(She vanishes.)

FUZZY:

How's Nancy going?

CHRIS RABBO:

Who?

FUZZY:

Your walrus. Yesterday you told me her name was Nancy.

CHRIS RABBO:

Oh, no. His name is Enrico.

FUZZY:

Whatever. So how's he doing?

CHRIS RABBO:

How's he doing what?

FUZZY:

Well what do walruses do?

CHRIS RABBO:

I don't know. Why do you ask?

SASHA:

I refuse to believe that Bunniquette will ever marry this weirdo.

CHRIS RABBO:

She has to. Otherwise the whole universe will--

FUZZY:

Yeah, we know.

CHRIS RABBO:

Anyway, hate to vomit and run, but I have to get back to Sinclair.

FUZZY:

Who?

CHRIS RABBO:

My pet walrus. It's time for his insulin.

FUZZY:

Is he diabetic?

CHRIS RABBO:

Who?

FUZZY:

Your walrus, Sinclair!

CHRIS RABBO:

You've got the wrong walrus. Mine is called Melinda. But I could ask Melinda if she knows of any diabetic walruses, if you like.

FUZZY:

Sometimes I think I've lost control of this show.

CHRIS RABBO & SASHA:

 You're absolutely right.

(Cut to Rabbo's quarters. The whole place is decorated with a distinct walrus motif. Against one wall is a large walrus tank. His pet walrus is in there, but only a large dark shape can be seen through the water. Chris Rabbo enters)

CHRIS RABBO:

How are you, Todd? Would you like your fish waffles now?

(He empties a plate of waffles into the tank. There is a great commotion as the walrus devours its prey. Chris continues speaking.)

CHRIS RABBO:

Yum, yum. Love those fish waffles. Penguin soufflé for dessert.

(Cut to the Malt Shoppe. Fuzzy and Sasha are alone)

FUZZY:

There's something I have to talk to you about.

SASHA:

It sounds to be serious.

FUZZY:

It is. When we were on Earth last episode, I spoke to my father. He says he knows your dad.

SASHA:

Really?

FUZZY:

Yes.

SASHA:

And?

FUZZY:

And he says that your father is a notorious criminal and a mass murderer.

SASHA:

Oh, no. That's father's evil twin brother, Yompy.

FUZZY:

That's a relief. He had me worried for a while. I'll sleep soundly tonight knowing that my girlfriend's father is not a mass murderer.

(Fuzzy exits, smiling. Sasha frowns)

SASHA:

That's not what I said.

(The Bunny Sweethearts are having a picnic on the tennis courts.)

ABBIE:

Tell me, my love, what song shall we sing today?

WESTMINSTER:

Well, we've already done 'Bunnies in Love' and 'The Tea Bag Song'. I don't know.

(Chris pops up behind them)

CHRIS RABBO:

Let's sing 'Puff the Magic Walrus'.

WESTMINSTER:

Rabbo, you're a--

(Cut to Bunniquette's newsroom. She is there)

BUNNIQUETTE:

Welcome to the SKTV News. Westminster swears too much.

(Cut back to the tennis courts. Abbie has her fingers in her ears. Chris is smiling)

WESTMINSTER:

--and stick it up your--

(Cut to the Bridge. Chainsaws 1,2, and 4.)

CHAINSAW 2:

That's one 'Bunny Sweethearts' sketch that won't make it to air.

(Chainsaw 3 appears. She is twice her normal size and has wings and a big blue nose.)

CHAINSAW 3:

I think that spell could use a little work.

(On the tennis courts, Westminster is trying to escape from Rabbo, who was completely impervious to the recent verbal attack)

CHRIS RABBO:

Anyway, Westminster, what exactly is a--

ABBIE:

That's quite enough of that kind of language.

CHRIS RABBO:

Love to stay and chat, but I have to take Portia for her walk.

ABBIE:

Who's Portia?

WESTMINSTER:

It's his stupid walrus, of course! He's changed the name again!

CHRIS RABBO:

No, actually Portia is my pet iguana.

ABBIE:

You have a pet iguana?

CHRIS RABBO:

No. What gave you that idea?

ABBIE:

You just said that Portia was you iguana.

CHRIS RABBO:

Heavens, no. Portia is my pet woodchuck.

WESTMINSTER:

Then you have a pet woodchuck?

CHRIS RABBO:

Don't be stupid. What kind of idiot would have a pet woodchuck?

WESTMINSTER:

Grr...

ABBIE:

Calm down, both of you. Chris, who...is...Portia?

CHRIS RABBO:

My Aunt. She lives in Louisiana.

ABBIE:

See, Westminster? It's easy when you ask the right questions. Portia is his aunt from Louisiana.

CHRIS RABBO:

Rubbish. Get your facts right, lady.

ABBIE:

Dare I ask again?

WESTMINSTER:

No! Please, no!

CHRIS RABBO:

Portia is my cousin's daughter's friend's pet zebra.

ABBIE:

Oh. I see.

CHRIS RABBO:

'Officer in Charge'. Now, are we gonna sing a song, or what?

WESTMINSTER:

Get him away from me.

(Bunniquette enters)

CHRIS RABBO:

Well, tickle my ostrich and call me Roger! It's young Miss O'Bunbun! Marry me!

BUNNIQUETTE:

Drop dead.

ABBIE:

Chris! Be careful what you say. There are some secrets on this ship.

BUNNIQUETTE:

Look, Abbie, I just came down to tell you that your dad is looking for you. He wants to talk to you.

ABBIE:

Oh. I'd better find him.

(Abbie leaves and we cut to Gumman's office. His patient is Earless)

EARLESS:

You gotta help me, Doctor.

GUMMAN:

What's the problem, Mr Cleveland?

EARLESS:

I can't find my daughter.

GUMMAN:

What do you think I am, a private detective?

EARLESS:

I'm sorry. I just figured that, you know, being a doctor--

GUMMAN:

You were right. I am a private detective. So, you can't find the dame, eh? Afraid some low-life criminal scum has--

EARLESS:

No. I just don't want to run all over this damn big ship looking for her.

GUMMAN:

Oh. Well, here's your prescription.

(He gives Earless a small piece of paper)

EARLESS:

But I don't want a-- hey! This isn't a prescription! This is a bill!

GUMMAN:

Even bunnies have to earn a living.

EARLESS:

Willits Gumman, you're a shameless old con man!

GUMMAN:

Shameless? I'd better put shames on my shopping list.

EARLESS:

That hurt.

(Back to the Malt Shoppe. Fuzzy and Sasha are there.)

FUZZY:

Tell me about Russia.

SASHA:

...It is very beautiful.

FUZZY:

Not as beautiful as you.

SASHA:

How kind! You flatten me.

FUZZY:

Uh... yeah.

(Westminster rushes in angrily, followed by Rabbo)

WESTMINSTER:

Fuzzy, I refuse to spend another second on this ship with Chris Rabbo.

FUZZY:

Well, that's a shame, since there's no way either of you can leave until we reach the nearest planet - in about eight weeks.

WESTMINSTER:

I'll take the escape pod.

FUZZY:

You can't.

WESTMINSTER:

Why not? What's wrong with it?

FUZZY:

It escaped.

WESTMINSTER:

My entire life is a tragedy. My father-in-law is a psychotic, earless geriatric, I'm stuck doing a serious space opera because you got sick of third-rate comedy, and now I'm being haunted by a brainless, stupid, idiotic, annoying, stupid weirdo with a name-shifting walrus and a whatever-she-is called Portia!

FUZZY:

You have my sympathy. Would you like me to run you a bath and get you a few razor blades?

WESTMINSTER:

Oh, would you?

FUZZY:

I'm certainly tempted.

SASHA:

I don't understand these people.

(Bunniquette comes in and begins to sing 'Silent Night')

WESTMINSTER:

Why is 'Quette singing a Christmas carol?

FUZZY:

I'm not sure.

(Sasha holds up a script.)

SASHA:

I think I know.

SASHA & BUNNIQUETTE:

Next episode is the Christmas special!

CHRIS RABBO:

Happiness abounding! Ah jest lurve Christmas.

WESTMINSTER:

Unrequited love is a terrible thing.

CHRIS RABBO:

Isn't it, though? Bunniquette, marry me!

BUNNIQUETTE:

Don't stand so close to me, you nut.

FUZZY:

Well, I'm leaving. if the Christmas special is next episode, I've got a lot of shopping to do. You wanna come down to the Sea Kidney's shopping complex, Sash?

SASHA:

Just don't leave me alone with Chris Rabbo.

(Roll credits.)