| SEASON FIVE EPISODE TWO | |
| THE SCAVVIEWORLD HILTON | |
| (A huge hotel room. Luxury city. No expense spared. Bunniquette comes out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around her and her wet hair.) | |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Chris? Where are you? |
| (Chris crawls out from under the enormous bed.) | |
| RABBO: | Down here, my darling. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Whatcha doing? |
| RABBO: | Checking the distributor cap. |
| BUNNIQUETTE | ...Fine. Fancy a trip to the ScavvieWorld Mall with me? I'm going to treat myself to some new clothes... maybe a pair of shoes. Some jewellery. A lawnmower. A car. Two or three small planets... |
| RABBO: | Wasn't it nice of ScavvieWorld's managers to give each of us such a hefty reward for catching those robbers? |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | And jolly decent of them to put us up free of charge in the ScavvieWorld Hilton for as long as we like. But let's face it, this themepark makes billions of dollars every day. They can afford it. I just wish you'd stop elbowing the waitress... |
| RABBO: | Well, I don't like crab's bladder soup. And anyway, I was in a bad mood. I'd just spent an hour trying to get my room key off Hoppy and Pirica. They stole it, and pushed me into the pool. If Abbie hadn't got it back for me... |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | I love this place. |
| (There's a knock at the door and Gumpity, Oyster and Jetty enter.) | |
| GUMPITY: | Hey, guys. We're going down to Blabberthroat Beach. Wanna come? |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | I've heard bad things about persistent hawkers... |
| RABBO: | Aw, we can take 'em, Buns. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | B--? I'd, um, prefer it if you didn't call me that... |
| (She leans over and whispers to him:) | |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | In front of the others! |
| OYSTER: | Um... So, you in? |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Heck, why not? The mall's not going anywhere. |
| (Blabberthroat Beach. Tourists everywhere, and dozens of guys in vulture suits trying to con the visitors into buying trash. Bunniquette, Rabbo, Oyster, Gumpity and Jetty arrive.) | |
| VULTURE GUY 1: | Hey, pretty lady! Want buy watch? |
| JETTY: | Um... not thank you, sir. |
| VULTURE GUY 2: | You! Girl! Want you fire-engine red hair plaited? |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | No way, carcass-breath. Bugger off. |
| VULTURE GUY 3: | Dumb-looking man like to buy pretty necklace for girl? Plenty cheap! |
| RABBO: | Ooh! They are nice necklaces... want one, Quette? |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | No! Push off! Pulang! |
| VULTURE GUY 3: | Pulang? Ha! Pulang! She say 'Pulang'! |
| VULTURE GUY 2: | Pulang? Ha! Ha, ha! Ho, ho! |
| (All the vulture guy hawkers collapse laughing.) | |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Grr! I don't like this place! |
| (They continue down the beach.) | |
| JETTY: | It's a lovely day. I wonder what the others are doing. |
| OYSTER: | Being too sensible to walk down a beach where the natives'll sell you your own skin for twice its value if you don't look out. That's what they're doing. |
| GUMPITY: | Relax! I know the hawkers are annoying, but... just say 'no', keep walking, and avoid eye contact. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Oh, there'll be eye contact, all right. Eye-to-first contact. Next hawker bugs me, I'll punch him in the face. |
| VULTURE GUY 4: | Cheese for sale! Buckets! Genuine llama-skin billiard ball warmers! Air rifles! Stun rifles! Tower rifles! Get 'em while they're not! Cheapest Tibetan sausage rolls in town! Three for a dollar or ten bucks each! Special offer, today only – buy one second-hand Scavvie flashlight bulb, get your second one at only twice the recommended retail (plus an eighty dollar labour fee)! |
| JETTY: | Now, Bunniquette... Don't lose your temper. |
| VULTURE GUY 4: | Welcome, peoples! My names is being Achmed the Travelling Beach Hawker! Selling things to you at unbelievable prices! Make me an offer! |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | I'll make you offal if you don't piss off. |
| ACHMED: | Lovely lady has little patience for over-zealous hawkers? To be congratulated on discerning taste. You are having many sense. Too smart to buy from lowly street rats. You know to buy from only Achmed. |
| GUMPITY: | Ah, sir, I might just warn you, it's... not wise to antagonize this young woman. She gets a little... |
| (Pow! Bunniquette decks Achmed.) | |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Get knotted, you slimy little vulture-suited chowderhead! |
| ACHMED: | Ouch. Not the typical gullible tourist, are we, Ma'am? |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | You said it, merchant boy. |
| ACHMED: | I am sorry if I have offended you. Allow me to make amends by bestowing upon you the gift of free accommodation within my humble establishment... the ScavvieWorld Hilton. |
| OYSTER: | You...own the Hilton? |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Oops. |
| GUMPITY: | Actually, Mister Achmed, sir, we're... already staying at the Hilton. |
| ACHMED: | Staying...? Oh, to be yes! You are the brave bandit-bashers who did to capture the bank-robbers, yes? |
| RABBO: | That's us. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | I'm terribly sorry for thumping you, mate. Won't happen again. |
| ACHMED: | Not at all! No not be sorry! I do not take offence! |
| RABBO: | That's good. We've nearly run out and we can't afford to waste it. |
| ACHMED: | Now! Be to coming back to my Hilton and having special dinner! Big yummy! To say wahoo? |
| OYSTER: | Wahoo? |
| GUMPITY: | It's Scavvie's all-purpose catch-phrase. |
| OYSTER: | Oh. |
| GUMPITY: | Certainly, Mister Achmed... To say wahoo! |
| THE OTHERS: | Wahoo! |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Now let's get off this damn beach! |
| (The Hilton. Hoppy and Laff's room. They're in there alone.) | |
| HOPPY: | It's so long since we had a decent chance to be alone. |
| LAFF: | Well, the phone's off the hook, the 'Go Away We Don't Want You Here' sign is hanging outside the door... |
| HOPPY: | Good. Then let's— |
| (An angry koala barges in.) | |
| KOALA: | You! You are the ones who sent my brothers to jail! |
| HOPPY: | Two out of fifteen ain't bad. |
| KOALA: | We needed that money to feed our starving family and pay for our mother's operation! |
| LAFF: | It's too late for your mother's operation – you're already born! Now get out of here or we'll arrest you too! |
| (The koala closes the door and says:) | |
| KOALA: | No. I don't think so. You are trapped in here with me. |
| HOPPY: | And... this is supposed to worry us, you wimpy little cabbage-head? |
| KOALA: | No. It's the two tons of plastic explosives I'm wearing that should worry you. |
| (Outside the Hilton. Achmed, Bunniquette, Rabbo, Jetty, Gumpity and Oyster are returning.) | |
| JETTY: | It was ever so kind of you to— |
| (A window high up in the building opens and the koala sticks his head out.) | |
| KOALA: | You! Down there! |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | That depraved marsupial prat appears to be talking to you, Achmed. |
| KOALA: | You run this hotel, right? |
| ACHMED: | That is to be a yes. |
| KOALA: | Get the owners of the themepark here, now! And the head of security! |
| ACHMED: | To you presume to be telling the great and mighty Beach Hawker Achmed what to do, sir? |
| KOALA: | Do as I say or I'll blow this whole place to pieces! And my hostages might get hurt if I do that! |
| ACHMED: | Sausages? What does he mean, his sausages might get hurt? |
| (The koala drags Hoppy and Laff, both tied up, to the window.) | |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Hoppy! |
| JETTY: | Laff! |
| ACHMED: | They don't look like sausages to me. |
| HOPPY: | He's got a bomb! |
| ACHMED: | Oh, no! To be calling the Tactful Negotiation Squad at once! |
| RABBO: | 'Tactful Negotiation Squad!' |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | 'Tactful Negotiation Squad!' |
| GUMPITY: | 'Tactful Negotiation Squad!' |
| RABBO, GUMP, QUETTE: | Tactful Negotiation Squad! |
| (It's an old Tiny Toons joke. Ask me to explain it later.) | |
| KOALA: | I want my brothers from the bank raid set free! And if they aren't given back the money they stole, then my hostages get blown all to crazy, courtesy of Plastic Explosives Airlines. |
| ACHMED: | Why is he so worried about his sausages? |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Let me at that cowardly prick! I'll teach him a thing or two! |
| OYSTER: | Like 'how to explode people', for instance? Don't set this guy off, 'Quette. He might hurt Hoppy and Laff. |
| (Abbie, Westminster, Earless, Muncher, Skunky, Gumman and Pirica come over.) | |
| PIRICA: | Oyster! What's going on? |
| OYSTER: | That lunatic up there's got Hoppy, Laff, a bomb, and a serious attitude problem. Apparently he's related to the crooks we nabbed. Wants their release, plus the money from the bank job, or else he's threatening to kill our buds. |
| PIRICA: | Is that so? Listen, you naughty koala, if you don't— |
| KOALA: | Shut your trap, you stupid old hag! |
| PIRICA: | St— Wh— d— did you hear what he called me? A stupid old hag! And here's me at twenty-six! Practically still a baby, me! And he calls me— |
| KOALA: | Just get my brothers out of jail and give me the money! I'm losing my patience! |
| ACHMED: | Bacons? He's losing his bacons? And his sausages might get blown up. You don't take very good care of your meat, do you, young man? |
| WESTMINSTER: | Who's this mad old coot? |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Ahem. Achmed. The owner of the hotel. |
| WESTMINSTER: | Did I say mad old coot? I meant kind and generous benefactor. |
| ABBIE: | Now, mister koala, this isn't going to solve your problems! Taking bombs into expensive hotels and threatening to blow up nice hotel guests is no way to improve matters! |
| (A fire engine pulls up behind them and five owls in vulture suits jump out.) | |
| ACHMED: | Oh, good! It is the Tactful Negotiations Squad! |
| OWL 1: | Hey!You! The grey-furred chump wit' de bomb! One false move an' we blasts ya to bits wit' our Crim Killin Cannon. So let de hostages go and come down, all peaceful-like! |
| KOALA: | Go away! If you so much as dream of shooting me, I'll kill the hostages! |
| ACHMED: | What about the bacon? |
| RABBO: | He lost it, remember? |
| ACHMED: | Oh, yes. |
| OWL 2: | You is tryin' our patience, you criminal low-life! Don' make us come up dere an' getchu! |
| KOALA: | I'm warning you! Don't push me, pigs! |
| ACHMED: | You heard him! Don't push his pigs! Otherwise he'll never get any bacon. |
| OWL 1: | Dat's it! We done got us no choice! Open fire! |
| ABBIE: | What? |
| KOALA: | Huh? |
| (The owls produce enormous cannons and start blasting the shit out of the hotel.) | |
| ACHMED: | Oh, no! My beautiful ScavvieWorld Hilton! |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Hoppy! |
| JETTY: | Laff! |
| (When the owls finally stop firing, the whole resort has been reduced to rubble. The koala can be seen, unconscious under a lump of cement. Hoppy and Laff are nearby. Our heroes rush to their side.) | |
| SKUNKY: | I'll check Hoppy and Laff, Willits. You see to the koala. |
| HOPPY: | Eeurg! What happened? |
| OYSTER: | The Tactful Negotiation Squad got a little bit carried away. |
| LAFF: | I... guess this is just about the end of our holiday. |
| ABBIE: | Well...! All our luggage was destroyed – along with the whole hotel, that is. |
| SKUNKY: | Hoppy and Laff are fine. Just a little bruising. |
| GUMMAN: | The koala's gonna hurt for weeks. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Good. He— oh. Oh, no! Oh, NO! |
| ABBIE: | What? |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Our reward money! It was being kept in the hotel's safe deposit sock! It will've been completely destroyed! We could have been richer than Scrooge McDuck. |
| JETTY: | Money isn't everything, Quette. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | What a crap holiday this turned out to be! We foil a robbery, become briefly but amazingly rich, then get fucked around by a mad koala and a gang of psycho trigger-happy nightbird spinheads and lose not only our cash, but our luggage as well! Get us the hell out of here, Ric. |
| PIRICA: | I'll warm up the transport pod's engines. Meet me at the ScavvieWorld parking lot in ten minutes. |
| (Pirica leaves.) | |
| GUMPITY: | I'm awfully sorry that all this happened, Achmed. |
| ACHMED: | This is what comes of koalas not looking after their meat! It's kidney beans this, kidney beans that... lentils everywhere. But do they look after their bacon? No. And as for their sausages... well, they just get blown up! It's a travesty! |
| ABBIE: | Uh... thank you for having us, mister Achmed. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Bye. I'm sorry I punched you on the beach. |
| ACHMED: | I suppose he mistreated his chops, as well. I shudder to be thinking what fate befell his Thanksgiving turkey. |
| (Westminster tosses Achmed a gold coin.) | |
| WESTMINSTER: | Buy yourself a lunatic asylum, kid. |
| (Credits.) |
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