| SEASON FIVE EPISODE THREE | |
| YAKS AND CARAVANS | |
| (The Bridge of the Tonsilcrash. Pirica, Howie, Abbie, Rabbo.) | |
| ABBIE: | When do we take off? |
| PIRICA: | I haven't decided. We've still got a few days of our holiday time left, so we'll stay in this caravan park for a while longer. We— |
| (Ding dong.) | |
| ABBIE: | What was that? |
| PIRICA: | The doorbell. |
| (Gumpity calls from out in the corridor:) | |
| GUMPITY'S VOICE: | I'll get it! |
| (The 'front door' of the ship. Gumpity opens it. Two yaks are standing outside, one male, one female. The male yak is carrying a briefcase and wearing a blue pair of shorts. The female is holding a clipboard and wearing a bikini.) | |
| GUMPITY: | Good morning. How may I help you? |
| FEMALE YAK: | My name is Selene, and this is my brother Malvolio. We represent the Intergalactic Church of Yaks. May we come in? |
| (The Common room. The entire crew (minus Fuzzy, Sasha, BB and Goatee) are seated. The two yaks are standing in front of them.) | |
| SELENE: | Thank you all for coming. The reason we are here today is this: we can help you. |
| (Westminster mumbles:) | |
| WESTMINSTER: | We're not the ones who need help. |
| MALVOLIO: | How many of you here already have a species? |
| ABBIE: | All of us! |
| MALVOLIO: | Hmmm... I see mainly bunnies. A few chainsaws, some Dropoffs... a stuffed toy dinosaur... |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | It's not his fault. |
| SELENE: | Have any of you considered converting to Yak? |
| WESTMINSTER: | What a revolting idea. |
| JETTY: | I'm happy enough as I am. |
| LENNIE: | I'm proud to be a chainsaw! |
| SELENE: | Hear us out. The life of a yak is joyful and carefree! If you like digging in the garden and looking at rattlers, then Yak is for you! |
| (Malvolio opens his briefcase. It is full of dirt and rattlesnakes. He takes out a snake.) | |
| MALVOLIO: | Ooh! |
| SELENE: | Aah! |
| (The two of them just look at the snake.) | |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | 'Digging in the garden and looking at rattlers'... Oh, boy... |
| RABBO: | Tell us more! |
| MALVOLIO: | Uh... um... |
| (He forces himself to put away the snake.) | |
| MALVOLIO: | Yes. Where was I? Oh, yes... |
| PIRICA: | Never mind. Oyster! Gumpity! Escort these lunatics off the premises. |
| OYSTER: | Your wish is my command, my love. |
| SELENE: | Don't be hasty— |
| OYSTER: | I'm afraid we'll have to ask you to leave, yaks. |
| MALVOLIO: | Fine, fine. I'm sure we don't want to take up any more of your time. Just consider what we said... Digging in the garden and looking at rattlers! |
| (Oyster and Gumpity drag the yaks away.) | |
| WESTMINSTER: | What morons! |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | What a ridiculous notion! |
| RABBO: | What an effective presentation... |
| (Outside, in the caravan park. The two yaks are walking along unhappily.) | |
| MALVOLIO: | We haven't made a conversion for weeks, Selene! Have we lost our touch? |
| (The Bridge. Pirica, Lennie, Howie, Ralph, Hoppy, Laff.) | |
| PIRICA: | Let's get out of here. Take off. |
| (Back to the yaks.) | |
| SELENE: | Look! The bunnies' ship is leaving. |
| MALVOLIO: | Were we that bad? |
| SELENE: | I think we nearly had a few of them. Let's follow their ship. |
| MALVOLIO: | Yes! To the Yak-caravan! |
| (The Bridge.) | |
| RALPH: | We've left the Caravan Park Planet's atmosphere, Admiral DeBunny. |
| PIRICA: | Good. |
| HOWIE: | Uh... something's coming up on the radar. We're being followed ... by a caravan with Sventruddy Mini-Thrusters. |
| PIRICA: | A caravan that's capable of space-flight? |
| HOWIE: | ...Yes. |
| PIRICA: | Are we talking pull-behind-the-car stuff, or the camel job? |
| HOWIE: | We just came from a caravan park? Whatta you think? |
| PIRICA: | Ah. Yes, well... |
| LENNIE: | Never mind that! I'm picking up something else. It's... the scout shuttle that Fuzzy and Sasha took. Looks like they were attacked! The power's down and they're not answering the phone! |
| PIRICA: | Get them in the tractor beam and bring them in! Quickly! |
| (The Tonsilcrash hospital. Pirica, Oyster, Gumman, Skunky. In the hospital beds are Fuzzy, Sasha and Baik-baik.) | |
| OYSTER: | How are they, Doc? |
| GUMMAN, SKUNKY: | Fine. |
| GUMMAN: | They should— |
| (Sasha suddenly springs upright and opens her eyes.) | |
| SASHA: | Nooooo!!!! |
| PIRICA: | Sasha! What is it? What happened to you? |
| SASHA: | They took my baby! Those... y... |
| (She loses consciousness again.) | |
| OYSTER: | Disembowelled was kidnapped? |
| (Baik-baik stirs.) | |
| SKUNKY: | Baik-baik! You're awake! |
| BAIK-BAIK: | I'm... alive? I was sure they were going to kill us. |
| OYSTER: | Who? You were sure who was going to kill you? |
| BAIK-BAIK: | The Intergalactic Church of Yaks. |
| PIRICA: | The yaks? |
| BAIK-BAIK: | Dozens of them. We ran out of fuel and crash-landed on their homeworld. We went to the Grand Cathedral hoping to fine a mechanic to fix the shuttle. |
| OYSTER: | And? |
| BAIK-BAIK: | We stumbled into some unholy ceremony. I've never seen anything so revolting in my life! They... they took little Goat away from us to use in their ungodly rites! We tried to save her, but they... gassed us. Locked us in our scout shuttle and catapulted it back into space. Must... save... Disembowelled Goat! |
| (The Bridge. Pirica storms in.) | |
| PIRICA: | Lennie! Set a course for the planet of the Yaks! |
| LENNIE: | The what? |
| PIRICA: | You'll find the co-ordinates logged in the scout shuttle's computer. Hurry. |
| (Inside Selene and Malvolio's caravan...) | |
| MALVOLIO: | Hey! They're changing course! |
| SELENE: | Lock on to their new bearing. Where are they headed? |
| MALVOLIO: | According to our flight computer... they're off towards the Intergalactic Church of Yaks Planet! |
| SELENE: | All the better to follow them! We haven't been home in nearly five years. Let's go! |
| (The hospital. Oyster, Skunky, the patients. All three are now awake.) | |
| SASHA: | We must get my baby back! |
| FUZZY: | Those dirty, no-good yaks! When I get my hands on them...! |
| OYSTER: | We had a couple visit us when we were staying in a caravan park this morning. |
| FUZZY: | But no one was hurt? |
| OYSTER: | They didn't try to hurt us. They just tried to convert us to Yak. They seemed quite harmless. |
| BAIK-BAIK: | Harmless, nothing! If you guys hadn't found us, we would've drifted through space for the rest of eternity with no power! |
| SASHA: | I will not rest until my daughter is safe in my arms! And heaven help any yak who gets in my way! |
| OYSTER: | Let's go get my niece back! |
| (Credits.) |
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