| SEASON FIVE EPISODE FOUR | |
| THE WAR AGAINST THE CHURCH | |
| (The Bridge. Pirica, Oyster, Fuzzy, Sasha, BB. Fuzzy is wearing his Pirate King outfit again, with the addition of his Captain Tricky mask. Oyster's demon wings are out.) | |
| PIRICA: | We're approaching the Planet of the Intergalactic Church of Yaks, Fuzzy. |
| FUZZY: | We'll blast those infernal yaks all to crazy! |
| SASHA: | No one steals my daughter and lives to tell the tale! |
| PIRICA: | We're entering orbit. |
| FUZZY: | Then let's get to the shuttle pod and get down there! |
| (Cut to the yak planet. Huge churches everywhere, dwarfed by one especially large one – the Grand Cathedral. The Tonsilcrash's shuttle pod lands near the Grand Cathedral. Our heroes step out, each heavily armed.) | |
| SASHA: | That's the one! The Grand Cathedral, where they took Goat! |
| (Cut inside. A typical church. Yaks sitting in the pews. One extra big yak standing at the alter, above which is a statue of a yak digging in the garden and looking at rattlers.) | |
| EXTRA BIG YAK: | '...and so the Lord said unto them, go out! Go nuts! Dig in the garden and look at rattlers! And Adam the yak said unto Eve the Yak, Be a Yak! Dig! Look! Hark, I see rattlers in the garden! Be amazed! And so it came to pass that a garden was built, name of Eden, with lots and lots of dirt, and the Lord did bring in a vast shipment of rattlers from Mandy's Rattler Emporium, at great discount prices, to place in the garden, and every yak was happy.' |
| (Fuzzy and friends burst in.) | |
| FUZZY, SASHA: | Where's our daughter? |
| EXTRA BIG YAK: | Humph! It's you again, is it? I thought we dealt with you. |
| FUZZY: | Well, we're back! And we're packing a demon, this time! So give us our daughter right now or you're yak-burgers, pal! |
| EXTRA BIG YAK: | Brethren of the Sacred Intergalactic Church of Yaks! Seize them! They must not disrupt the Yakking Ceremony! Kill them! Kill the heathen bunnies! |
| OYSTER: | I don't think so! |
| EXTRA BIG YAK: | Kill them now! |
| (Several large yaks advance on our heroes. Suddenly Selene and Malvolio rush in.) | |
| SELENE: | What's going on? Who are you? Where is the Yakky-Pope? |
| EXTRA BIG YAK: | The Yakky-Pope is gone! I rule this Church now! Soon the entire universe shall bow down to the majesty of... the Anti-Yakky-Pope! |
| SELENE: | You've corrupted the Intergalactic Church of Yaks with your barbary! My brother and I will have no part in this! |
| ANTI-YAKKY-POPE: | I recognize you... you're the Missionary Yaks who went out five years ago to convert the unholy savages of the universe to the ways to the yak! |
| MALVOLIO: | Yes! And we will not serve your murderous regime! We remain loyal to the holy justice of the Yakky-Pope! |
| ANTI-YAKKY-POPE: | Well, in that you are alone! |
| PIRICA: | Selene! Malvolio! |
| MALVOLIO: | I'm sorry that they stole the child! We knew nothing of the Anti-Yakky-Pope's conquest of the Church! Allow us to aid you! |
| ANTI-YAKKY-POPE: | You're too late! Kill them! Kill them all! Kill them now! |
| (The Anti-Yakky-Pope's bruisers attempt to attack our heroes. Selene and Malvolio join hands and say:) | |
| SELENE, MALVOLIO: | Yak twins Holy Yak Ray! |
| (A sizzling beam of bright white light erupts from their joined hands and fries half the attackers.) | |
| OYSTER: | Not bad... for a couple of yaks. |
| (An all-out brawl begins between Fuzzy, Oyster, Pirica, Selene, Malvolio and the evil yaks.) | |
| SASHA: | Quickly, Baik-baik! While everyone is distracted! We must find Goatee! |
| (While the others fight, Sasha and BB sneak off to search the church for Goat. They soon find a small room with 'nursery' written on the door. They smash the door open. Inside is a crib which is being watched by a yak. The baby's in it.) | |
| SASHA: | Hand over my child, you repulsive hairy granny-chaser, or I'll blow your... |
| (There is a short pause. BB leans over and whispers something in Sasha's ear.) | |
| SASHA: | ...brains out! |
| YAK: | I'm sorry. I can't give you the child. It's nearly time for the Yakking Ceremony, after which she will become a Yak in mind, body and spirit! |
| BAIK-BAIK: | That ain't gonna happen, you twisted yak-fur haystack! Give her to us, or we'll take her! |
| YAK: | It's like that, is it? Well, then... |
| (The yak produces a phial of water, which it sprays over Goatee's face.) | |
| YAK: | 'Enummeth, balticrox, wosstinkle, flomsbreeg, Yakilan!' |
| SASHA: | What— |
| (Goatee's fur is now considerably longer. She looks... shaggy, and Yak-like.) | |
| YAK: | There! Now the transformation has begun! You're too late! |
| SASHA: | You... you... you naughty old yak! |
| (Sasha punches the yak in the face. It never had a chance.) | |
| BAIK-BAIK: | Holy--! Nice punch, your Highness! Wow! I think you killed it! |
| SASHA: | Oops. Now let's get my half-yak baby and get her home! |
| (Back to the action. Fuzzy's team is winning. The Anti-Yakky-Pope watches with contempt.) | |
| ANTI-YAKKY POPE: | Are my holy warriors so pathetic? |
| (Sasha and BB return with Goatee.) | |
| ANTI-YAKKY-POPE: | No! They've got Lady Vanessa! |
| FUZZY: | They've got who? |
| SASHA: | We've got Goatee! Let's go! |
| ANTI-YAKKY-POPE: | Don't let them escape with Lady Vanessa! Our Messiah must not be taken from us! |
| OYSTER: | They're calling the kid Vanessa? |
| SELENE: | From the Great Book of Yak! 'There shall come a bunny... she shall be named for a goat, but in truth she has within her the soul of Lady Vanessa, the One True Yak Messiah!' |
| PIRICA: | Cool. Vanessa's my middle name, you know. |
| FUZZY: | That's not currently relevant! And what's with Goatee's new hair-do? |
| BAIK-BAIK: | She's half yak! |
| FUZZY: | Grr! You miserable yaks! |
| (Our heroes are still fighting off yaks.) | |
| ANTI-YAKKY-POPE: | They mustn't escape... if I can just complete the Yakking Ceremony before they leave the Cathedral... |
| PIRICA: | I don't think so, you scum-yak! |
| (She shoots him in the head. He collapses.) | |
| OYSTER: | Fuzzy! I've done as you asked me! We have to get out now! |
| FUZZY: | Right! Back to the ship, gang! Quick! |
| PIRICA: | Selene! Malvolio! You'd better come with us! |
| (Our heroes bolt outside and into their shuttle pod. They are pursued by yak soldiers, but take off before they can be caught.) | |
| OYSTER: | 3... 2... 1... |
| (Below them, we see the Grand Cathedral of the Intergalactic Church of Yaks explode.) | |
| FUZZY: | Good work, Oyst. I knew that bomb I brought would come in handy... |
| MALVOLIO: | ...sigh... there goes the Grand Cathedral. |
| SELENE: | It had to be done, Malvolio. The Anti-Yakky-Pope had desecrated our faith and sullied the Way with cruelty and evil. |
| SASHA: | Not to mention the fact that my daughter is now half-yak! |
| BAIK-BAIK: | Are you okay, Goatee! |
| GOATEE: | Me no called Goatee! Me Vanessa, Yak Messiah! |
| SASHA: | Grr! |
| SELENE: | Don't worry, without the final rite of the Yakking Ceremony, your daughter should revert to normal in a few months. Until then... you'll just have to call her Vanessa. |
| MALVOLIO: | And give her a nice garden to dig in, with rattlers to look at. |
| SASHA: | You're suggesting that I give rattlesnakes to my baby daughter? |
| SELENE: | She's half-yak. She can handle it. |
| SASHA: | Why do these things always happen to us? |
| OYSTER: | Makes the show more interesting. Imagine the promos... 'In this week's exciting episode of the Fuzzy Bunny Show, Oyster and Fuzzy blow up a church, and Disembowelled Goat turns into a Yak.' |
| SASHA: | I see. It sounds good... we should watch it. |
| FUZZY: | Thank you both for your help, Selene and Malvolio. That Yak Twins attack was awesome! |
| SELENE: | Just call us Jules and Julie. |
| MALVOLIO: | Or Andrea and Andreas. |
| SELENE: | Or Zan and Jayna. |
| MALVOLIO: | Just don't call us late for looking at rattlers! |
| OYSTER: | Boom, boom. |
| (The Common Room. Everyone is there.) | |
| FUZZY | ...so Goatee's h— |
| GOATEE: | Vanessa! Vanessa! |
| FUZZY: | Ahem. So... Vanessa's... a Schizophrenic half-yak, and Selene and Malvolio are joining the crew. I want you all the make them feel at home. |
| WESTMINSTER: | We have to live with those preachy little yak-heads trying to convert us day and night? |
| SELENE: | My brother and I will respect your right to decide your own species. We will not persecute you simply because you are inferior. Uh... I mean... not yaks. |
| WESTMINSTER: | Brilliant. |
| SELENE: | Now, if you'll excuse us... we're off to the garden to dig a bit and look at rattlers. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Mad! They're mad! |
| RABBO: | Admit it, Buns... you're just jealous. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Grr! What have I told you about calling me 'Buns'? |
| RABBO: | 'Not in front of the others'. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Aargh! |
| (Everyone looks at them in shock.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | So... perhaps Bunniquette and Christopher are a little... closer than they make out to be. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Make out? Who says we make out? |
| ANASTASIA: | I can smell illicit affairs and paranoia... |
| ABBIE: | Illicit affairs? They are married. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | I am going to kill you, Rabbo. |
| RABBO: | Anything you say, Buns. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Aargh!! |
| (Earless walks past Bunniquette and playfully slaps her someplace.) | |
| EARLESS: | See you later, 'Buns'! |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | It's short for Bunniquette! It's short for Bunniquette! It in no way refers to my... oh, never mind! |
| (Bunniquette storms out, dragging Rabbo with her.) | |
| OYSTER: | I knew you guys'd find out about them eventually. |
| FUZZY: | What?! You mean you knew that Bunniquette and Chris were... doing stuff together, and didn't tell us? |
| OYSTER: | Well, of course I knew! It's a important aspect of my powers. But I thought I should respect their privacy. |
| WESTMINSTER: | Yeah, right. |
| (Credits.) |
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