SEASON FIVE PART TWO RECONSTRUCTION – Episode Two
(Interior of the Katamari. Gumpity is talking to one of the mouse warriors.)
GUMPITY:Squee?
MOUSE:Squook! Squee-haak!
GUMPITY:We should be coming up on it soon.
HOPPY:Would it be a bad idea to raise the question of how we're meant to get into the Nasty Tyrant's space station fortress?
SKUNKY:I think we're relying on the fact that he's not expecting us. Plus luck.
MALVOLIO:And faith! Don't forget the one true Yakky faith!
JETTY:Oh good grief...
(Outside the ships. We see the Space Station looming up out of, uh, space.)
GUMPITY:Right. Take it nice and easy and just casually sidle up to one of the docking ports.
MUNCHER:How come you're in charge all of a sudden?
GUMPITY:You can speak Mouse all of a sudden?
MUNCHER:OK, that works.
(Both ships dock with the station. Our heroes rendezvous at an airlock.)
EARLESS:I hate sneaking into space stations.
MAL:Really? I had no idea you'd ever done it.
GUMMAN:Oh dear god don't start him off...
EARLESS:Too late! You see, I once sneaked into a Space Station that was run by the International Association of Penguin Pastry-Chefs. It was a terrible evening – violence and crumbs with fondant everywhere. And my ears were never seen again.
(Gumman whaps Earless with his reflex mallet.)
GUMMAN:I think it'd be safest for us all if you stayed in the Damacy.
EARLESS:Tweedle-whee!
(Earless falls over. They shove him back into the ship.)
FUZZY:Right. Let's move. Everyone got your weapons?
(Everyone indicates that they do. They start to creep down the corridor.)
FUZZY:By the way, Muncher, why did you have so many weapons on you?
MUNCHER:I was a boy-scout.
FUZZY:A boy-scout?
MUNCHER:Yes. Well, a sort-of boy-scout. A UBF Special Forces Boy-Scout, to be specific. And you know their motto.
HOPPY:Ah, of course. "Be prepared, leave your fly open and always have nineteen spare weapons in your pocket."
MUNCHER:You were a member too?
HOPPY:No, but word gets around.
(They creep on.)
(A dark cavernous room. A mysterious figure is watching our heroes' progress on a monitor.)
CREEPY FIGURE:How pathetic. They have no idea who they are up against.
(Another creepy figure comes up to the first one.)
OTHER GUY:Shall we capture them, your Holiness?
(The camera swings around so we can see the first creepy figure. It is the Anti-Yakky Pope.)
POPE:Yes, Hallow. Go forth and capture them. Bring them to me, so that they may see my triumph.
(A third figure comes out of the shadows. It is 'Chaste', the Yak-Warrior who used to be Bunniquette.)
POPE:Ah, Chaste. My most successful warrior and champion of the Chosen One. Go forth with Hallow and do my bidding.
CHASTE:Yes, your Holiness.
HALLOW:We shall succeed.
(As Hallow moves toward the door we see that he is actually Chris Rabbo, now a hideous half-Yakkish monstrosity like his wife.)
(A different corridor. Our heroes are here again.)
SASHA:I am sensing something... something strange.
TESSA:I feel it too. Arcane emanations... but not the usual kind.
SASHA:Unpleasant... unholy emanations.
ABBIE:The Nasty Tyrant?
SASHA:I don't know... it feels... unpleasant. Icky.
TESSA:And it's getting closer!
(They come to a corner. Out of it leap Chaste and Hallow.)
CHASTE:Surrender to the might of the Anti-Yakky Pope!
HOPPY:Holy crap! Bunniquette!
GUMPITY:Chris!
HALLOW:Surrender or prepare to be destroyed!
TESSA:That's what we were feeling! They've been transformed into half-yak holy warriors!
SASHA:How disgusting!
ABBIE:Erk! They're Yaks!
SELENE:Hey!
ABBIE:No offence!
(Selene and Malvolio join hands.)
SELENE & MALVOLIO:Yak Twins Holy Yak Ray!
(The sizzling white light shoots out again but is deflected by a metal necklace Chaste wears and earths itself harmlessly in the wall.)
MALVOLIO:Oh, no! They have found a way to disrupt our Yak Ray!
HALLOW:Prepare to meet your doom, heathens!
(There's a huge fight. It's hampered by the fact that our guys don't really want to hurt Bunniquette and Chris. Couple that with the fact that 'Quette and Rabbo have both been given a serious power-up and there's only one conclusion.)
FUZZY:Oh, crap!
(Our heroes are overcome. A squad of Yak warriors tie them up and lead them away.)
(Cut to the Anti-Yakky Pope's room. He has been watching the battle on a monitor.)
POPE:Excellent. And now they will witness the final triumph of the Yaks as you are transformed, once and for all, into our Messiah!
(He has Goatee on his lap. She is bouncing up and down in glee.)
GOATEE:Yay Yak!
(Cut to an empty black void. There is nothing here except for a body, spinning in space. We close in on it. It is Oyster. Gradually he stirs and sits up.)
OYSTER:Oh, wow... what the hell happened?
(He looks around. There is nothing.)
OYSTER:Hello? Anybody there?
(Silence.)
OYSTER:Dang. Limbo again. Even more boring than Hell was.
VOICE:Oh, I think you'll soon be extremely entertained, baby brother...
(A figure gradually materialises out of the void. It's Grizzle, her face still shrouded.)
OYSTER:Grizzle? Oh, great.
GRIZZLE:Don't be so disappointed to see me. After all, it was I who suggested that Legislator Valium answer the Nunklon's spell and drag you out here. Otherwise you'd still be lying in a coma on Saddleflight Major.
OYSTER:So why am I here? And is here anywhere near where my Stair is?
GRIZZLE:You're here because I say you're here. And your Stair is... just over there.
(Grizzle points. Off in the distance is Oyster's Stair, spinning in space just like Oyster and Grizzle are.)
OYSTER:Hooray! My Stair is here! I can leave!
GRIZZLE:It certainly is here. And I'm going to leave you here to look longingly at it for a few hours.
OYSTER:What?
GRIZZLE:You're floating in limbo, brother of mine. You have absolutely no way of getting over there to use it. And I... have this.
(Grizzle is holding Oyster's Stair-Whistle.)
OYSTER:Give that back! It's mine!
GRIZZLE:Oh, what a shame! That pathetic childhood whining that you used to specialise in no longer has any effect on me!
(Grizzle vanishes.)
OYSTER:Well, poop.
(Some time passes. Oyster tries swimming and waving his arms around but he can't get any closer to the Stair.)
OYSTER:OK, Oyster, use your brains. You're a Demon. Without your Stair, what can you still do?
(Cut to the Space Station. A dungeon-ish sort of room. Our heroes are chained up. Baik-baik and the walrus are here also.)
FUZZY:So. The Nasty Tyrant is the Anti-Yakky Pope. How nice.
SASHA:And those horrible monsters have my baby!
PIRICA:If only there was some way we could get out of here!
(Suddenly a shadowy semi-transparent figure is floating next to Pirica. It is Oyster.)
OYSTER:Pirica! Ric, honey, can you hear me? Can you see me?
PIRICA:Oyster? What the hell...? Are you all right? What's happened?
FUZZY:Oyster? Where?
OYSTER:I'm projecting using my Incubus powers. This is meant to just be a routine erotic dream, I'm using it to fly under the radar. I've got stranded in Limbo and Grizzle is keeping me here for some reason. I don't know if I can break out of here without my Stair's power but it seems that I can still use my Incubus powers, for all the good it does me. I absolutely refuse to seduce my own sister.
PIRICA:Well I still love you, my darling.
OYSTER:(He has been counting the bunnies.) You're missing a couple. Where did Quette and Rabbo get to?
PIRICA:They've been transformed into horrible half-yak holy warriors. It's revolting.
SASHA:What is Pirica talking about? Is Oyster here too?
OYSTER:Eww, gross! I just wish there was some way I could get out of here. If I could use my demon powers they'd be back to normal in no time. I don't suppose I gave you a spare stair-whistle during one of my weirdness attacks?
PIRICA:I'm sorry, Oyst, you didn't. Am I right in thinking that you can't help us escape?
OYSTER:Not just yet but I'll think of something and then I'll come back for you – I promise. Love you, honey-whiskers.
PIRICA:I love you too, Spanky.
SASHA, FUZZY:SPANKY??
(Oyster's image fades.)
ABBIE:Ric, do you mind explaining why you were just talking to someone who wasn't there?
PIRICA:Oh, that was just Oyster. He can manage projections using his Incubus powers if they come in the guise of an erotic dream.
WESTMINSTER:An erotic...? Oh dear lord...
PIRICA:Oh, don't worry, Westminster. He was just trying to find a way out of Limbo. He's promised that if he can make it out he'll come and save us.
(Guards open the cell door.)
YAK GUARD:You must come. The Yakking Ceremony is about to commence!
HOPPY:Really? And just when is your precious Demon Boyfriend going to get around to doing that?!?
(Cut to Hell. Here is Anastasia, chained up and very dishevelled. Legislator Valium is here also.)
VALIUM:You see, Quintessa, being already dead as you are, torture is an extremely exciting prospect, simply because you cannot be tortured to death. All the wonderful exciting pain and torment just keep going and going and going. Isn't it lovely?
(Anastasia glares at Valium. She spits out some blood.)
ANASTASIA:You will never break me! I am the last of the Nunklons and I am above this pathetic torment of yours! I don't know what you expect me to give you but I will never surrender!
VALIUM:You seem to be under the mistaken impression that I am torturing you for some grand purpose. (He takes out a red hot poker.) I simply like seeing you suffer! Now, where were we...?
(Cut (quickly, please) to a room on the Space Station. Here are Chaste and Hallow. They are standing against the wall like robots that have been switched off. There is a strange shimmering in the air and a shadowy semi-transparent figure is seen hanging next to Chaste. It is Oyster again.)
OYSTER:Bunniquette! Bunniquette!
(Chaste begins to stir and look around.)
OYSTER:Don't you love me, baby? Don't you want to do anything for me?
(Chaste looks confused, as though there's an immense internal struggle going on. Oyster runs a disembodied hand down one cheek.)
OYSTER:Come on, my love. Come back to me. Then we can be together for always...
(Bing! That's done it. Bunniquette snaps awake.)
BUNNIQUETTE:Oyster? Oh, Oyster! It's wonderful to see you again! I've missed you so much, my darling. (She looks around.) But where the hell am I?
OYSTER:You're on a yak space station. You were transformed into a yak holy warrior. Fortunately, the power of love managed to conquer all. Anyway, time to snap out of the love-haze. (He snaps his fingers.) There you go.
BUNNIQUETTE:Ungh! Well that was weird. For a second I had the strangest feeling I was madly in love with you!
OYSTER:You were. It didn't last. Anyway, look – I've only got a short time before my Incubus powers fade. I've just been abducted by Grizzle and I'm stuck in Limbo without my stair. Plus I think you guys may have accidentally kidnapped Goatee while you were half-yak. You have to disrupt the Yakking ceremony or else the entire universe will come under the Anti-Yakky Pope.
BUNNIQUETTE:Yuk! Yaks!
OYSTER:Oh crap, here I go. (He starts to fade.) You have to help Goatee!
(Oyster is gone. Bunniquette shakes her head.)
BUNNIQUETTE:Demons. What weirdos.
(Hallow hasn't noticed anything amiss yet. Bunniquette takes a deep breath.)
BUNNIQUETTE:OK, Rabbo. Time for you to wake up... the old fashioned way.
(Quette raises a fist, but instead of punching Hallow through the wall, she grabs him and gives him an almighty big kiss. It goes on for some time, then she releases him. For a second afterwards he stands staring at her in surprise, then a smile starts to spread across his face.)
CHRIS:A-wOOOOOOga!
BUNNIQUETTE:Glad to have you back. (She smiles at him. He smiles back.)
CHRIS:You're good.
BUNNIQUETTE:I know. Although Oyster gave me the idea. Anyway, we've got to figure out a way to stop Goatee's Yakking ceremony.
CHRIS:Yaks? Here? Yuck!
BUNNIQUETTE:I know. That's why we've got to make sure that they don't take over the universe!
CHRIS:So what do we do?
BUNNIQUETTE:Well, I've got an idea but it needs both of us. Do you have your library card?
CHRIS:What?
(Cut back to Limbo. Oyster is still here as he was before, only now he looks totally exhausted.)
OYSTER:Oh, wow. Two erotic dreams in one day and I feel like hell. I must be out of shape.
(He hangs in space for a while catching his breath.)
OYSTER:Right... now, where was I? Ah yes – 'infinity bottles of beer on the wall, infinity bottles of beer. You take one down and pass it around there'll be infinity bottles of beer on the wall. Infinity bottles of beer on the wall, infinity bottles of--'
(He cuts off suddenly as a large glowing whirlpool appears in the air next to him.)
OYSTER:The hell...?
(Out of the whirlpool step Carthage and Farbauti.)
CARTHAGE:Powerbus! We have come for you from Lord Necopinus!
OYSTER:If you want to torture me you're going to have to get in the queue – Grizzle's got dibs.
CARTHAGE:Not at all. Lord Necopinus saw the deeds done by that traitor Grizzle and has sent us to help you.
FARBAUTI:We bring you the means to bring about your salvation.
(Farbauti holds something out to Oyster. It's a Stair-Whistle!)
OYSTER:A whistle! Is it mine?
FARBAUTI:It is.
CARTHAGE:Inky left it in Sceleratus during a visit once. Lord Necopinus kept it in case he ever returned. Now, it seems you need it.
OYSTER:Do I ever!
(Suddenly there is a puff of flame and smoke. Grizzle is here. She is furious.)
GRIZZLE:Wretched traitor vampires! Feel the wrath of Grizzle!
OYSTER:I don't think so, Sis!
(He plays a tune on his Whistle. The Stair is suddenly large enough for him and the two vampires. They jump on it and vanish.)
(Cut to the Yakking Chamber. There's a huge congregation of Yaks here, all looking expectantly at the altar at the front. Our heroes, in chains, are marched in and made to sit right near the front.)
SASHA:Oh, my poor baby! What are they going to do to her?
MALVOLIO:She's going to become a perverted Unholy Yak Messiah! It's a tragedy for those of us who follow the one true Yakky faith!
SELENE:Be strong, brother! Our faith will save us!
HOPPY:If I wasn't chained up...
(In come 'Chaste' and 'Hallow', walking stiffly like before. As 'Chaste' passes our heroes Bunniquette winks at Fuzzy.)
FUZZY:Huh?
SASHA:What?
FUZZY:I could have sworn... no, never mind.
(The Anti Yakky Pope enters with Goatee in his arms. She is holding a rattler in each hand and looks even Yakkier than before.)
POPE:Behold, my Yakky followers! Vanessa, the great Yak Messiah, will soon come! Our faith will be rewarded and we shall convert all unbelievers – starting with that lot down there!
(He points at our heroes.)
POPE:I have already begun the conversion process with these, my new Yak Holy Warriors! (He gestures at 'Chaste' and 'Hallow'.)
HALLOW:The New Yakky way is glorious! All power to the Anti-Yakky Pope!
CHASTE:We will never more know the ways of the world! The Yaks shall reign supreme!
(She makes a grand sweeping gesture and knocks the Anti-Yakky Pope's big yakky hat off. He bends over to pick it up. Hallow is standing near the altar and seems to be doing... something.)
POPE:Holy and Warriorish but clumsy. Anyway, let the Yakking Ceremony Commence!
SASHA:No! You monsters! Leave my baby alone!
GUMMAN:Yeah, that'll convince them...
POPE:You shall be ever more Vanessa, the Holy One, the New Yak Messiah! By the Holy New Yak Tome I command the powers to enter you and give you to us as Vanessa, Yak Messiah!
(There is a blinding flash. Sasha screams.)
SASHA:Nooooo!!
(The light clears, but something is wrong. Goatee no longer looks yakky. She looks just like a regular bunny... but not the same as before!)
GOATEE:(weird voice) Foolish Yaks! Bow down and worship before me! I am your new Messiah, as foretold, but I am not Vanessa!
FUZZY:What the...?
GOATEE:(weird voice) Behold! I am Brittany, Bunny Messiah, and I claim all of Yakdom for the Ancient and Venerable Bunny Gods!
(Another blinding flash and Lucky, Shandrilak, Rowdy, Hospice and a swarm of other Bunny Gods appear! Chris and Quette throw off their Yak armour and are suddenly obviously not evil any more!)
CHRIS:It worked! Say, Pope, would it bother you at all if my friends were suddenly unchained?
POPE:What? What have you done?
CHRIS:Yeah, I thought it would...
(The chains fall from our heroes.)
CHRIS:You see, Mr Yak, it's always smart to read the cover before you do the chant.
(The cover of the book on the altar becomes clear. It is The Book of Bunny!)
POPE:Where is the Holy New Yak Testament?! You vile thief!
CHRIS:It's here! Right where it belongs!
(He eats the book.)
CHRIS:Erk. Yak flavoured.
BUNNIQUETTE:Come on, don't just sit there – kick some tail!
(They all start kicking the arses of the assembled yaks, except Sasha who sees that Goatee is now unattended, albeit with glowy eyes and a weird voice.)
SASHA:My baby!
(She dashes up to the altar where Goatee is still all glowy.)
SASHA:Oh, my darling Disembowelled Goat! I'm so glad to have you back safe!
GOATEE:(weird voice still) Adoptive Mother, I must ask you to release the Nerpalon System from the yoke of Christianity that you imposed upon it and restore the Bunny Gods to their rightful place. I will then leave your daughter's mind and body and allow her to grow up as a normal bunny child.
SASHA:Oh, of course! Ahem. I hereby decree that the Nerpalon System is once again dedicated to the sacred and ancient Bunny Gods!
ROWDY:That's the stuff!
(The Bunny Gods all use their various powers. The Yaks are suddenly tied up in neat bundles.)
GOATEE:(normal voice) Mummy! Goatee miss Mummy!
SASHA:Oh, darling Goat!
(She hugs Goatee to her.)
HOPPY:Wait! Where's the Anti-Yakky Pope?
LAFF:He's escaped!
(Cut to the exterior of the space station. The Anti-Yakky Pope is in a small space pod which is zooming away.)
POPE:Those damned interfering Bunny Gods! But I will have the last laugh!
(Back to the Space Station.)
SKUNKY:I'll see to it that these yaks get sent to the appropriate authorities.
SELENE:Actually, Agent Skunky, Malvolio and I would like the opportunity to redeem our Yak brothers who have gone astray.
MALVOLIO:They can be returned to the One True Yakky Faith. And if any of them can't be, well we'll just turn them over to you.
SKUNKY:Hmm. Well, what do you think, Muncher?
MUNCHER:Hell, I don't care. They're Yaks.
SKUNKY:OK, you've got two months. If you can't convert them in that time, they come back to the UBF cells.
PIRICA:That's a point, we don't really have much in the way of a UBF Base anywhere but the Nerpalon System. Are we going to have room for all these dangerous criminals?
SASHA:Agent Skunky, may I command you to create a new UBF Base?
SKUNKY:I guess so, but where? It'd need to be somewhere fairly close to places but relatively uninhabited if we're going to keep criminals there.
VOICE:I've got an idea!
(Yet another flash of light. Oyster, with demon wings et al, appears on his Stair. Cowering at the bottom of it is Anastasia. She's dirty, her dress is torn and she is covered in blood, bruises and wounds.)
PIRICA:Oyster! You're back!
OYSTER:You said it, sugar-tail! I'm back and even better than before.
ANASTASIA:(with effort) At least... that... makes one... of us...
(She passes out. Gumman and Skunky run to her aid.)
OYSTER:You're the best, doll.
(He and Pirica kiss.)
PIRICA:But what happened to you?
OYSTER:After I managed to get through to you I Incubussed Quette and woke her up out of her Yak Trance. Then two friendly vampires helped me out with a spare Stair Whistle. Then I went off and rescued Anastasia from Valium! It's been quite a day.
FUZZY:Oyst, it's great to see you back to your old self.
SKUNKY:Did you say you had an idea for the new UBF Base, Oyster?
OYSTER:Certainly do - Yoople Five. Anastasia bought it from God, now she's given it to me as thanks for saving her from Valium.
SASHA:What an excellent idea! Yoople Five is in an excellent location, plus it is completely uninhabited!
MUNCHER:So would you like to make it official, your Majesty?
SASHA:Absolutely. In the name of all the Bunny Gods (she nods to Lucky and co) I declare that Yoople Five shall become a new colony for the purposes of building a new UBF Base!
ALL:Hooray!
MOUSE:Squee-whee! Squoo, squaak!
GUMPITY:Of course! Fuzzy, Sasha, permission to take the Katamari and return these brave mouse warriors to their home on Saddleflight Major? With the Anti-Yakky Pope defeated they will have no trouble reclaiming the Mouse settlement on Fretnoodle 7, especially if we let them keep Muncher's guns.
FUZZY:Absolutely, Gump. Go ahead.
OYSTER:Bring back the Anastasians while you're at it. When she comes round she'll need her staff.
MAL:And what about this Space Station? Should we destroy it? It smells of Yak.
PIRICA:No – that's a waste of a good Space Station. We'll need to redecorate and air it out a bit, obviously, but I think this could be a useful little addition to the UBF.
OYSTER:Let's get out of here and go start building on Yoople Five. I think Yoople City is going to be a beautiful place...
(He plays a tune on his Stair Whistle and the Stair grows large enough to accommodate everyone.)
OYSTER:Last one there's a smelly yak!
(We zoom out as the Stair dematerialises. There is the Space Station and the nebula.)
(Cut to Grizzle's Limbo chamber. She is sitting on her big chair looking extremely pissed off. She looks into her magic mirror.)
GRIZZLE:Valium!
(Valium's face appears.)
GRIZZLE:Valium, I am very angry! Oyster managed to escape, plus that pathetic vampire fool Necopinus betrayed me! Now you tell me that the Nunklon also managed to escape?
VALIUM:It is true, mistress, but I am able to report that the next part of your plan is ready to begin. We do not have the Incubus or the Nunklon in captivity but we will still be able to adjust the plan to suit.
(Grizzle starts to look less angry.)
GRIZZLE:Very well. Contact our reinforcements and prepare the next phase of the plan. (Valium nods and his face fades from the mirror.) What a surprise my dear brothers will get when they see the next part of my plan come to fruition!
(Ominous close-up on her cloaked face.)
THE END...?

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