| ALBERTO’S VISIT TO THE SPACE STATION | |
| Part One – The Cat is a Fox? | |
| (The sun rises beautifully over the small settlement of Yoople City. Much of the city is still being built, but there’s enough stuff there to show that it’s already a really nice place to live. There is a town square in the middle of it with a familiar bench and litter basket. Abbie and Westminster are sitting on the bench.) | |
| WESTMINSTER: | It’s hard work doing a Bunny Sweethearts sketch when there’s a city being built around us. |
| ABBIE: | We couldn’t very well expect the planet to stay uninhabited for ever. Especially since Anastasia bought it. |
| WESTMINSTER: | They’ll let anybody get into the property market these days. |
| ABBIE: | It could be worse. At least she gave it to Oyster. |
| WESTMINSTER: | My point exactly! |
| (Ralph wanders up to them.) | |
| RALPH: | Fuzzy’s calling a staff meeting at the Sushi bar. Are you guys coming? |
| (Cut to Yoople City’s brand new Sushi Bar. Here can be purchased such delicacies as Carrot Yakitori, Terriyaki Lettuce and Turnip Noriyaki. Chris Rabbo is behind the counter, Fuzzy and Sasha have just come in.) | |
| RABBO: | Welcome to Chris and Carl’s sushi restaurant! How may we help you? |
| FUZZY: | Carl? Who’s Carl? |
| RABBO: | Oh, haven’t you met my walrus? |
| FUZZY: | I have, but it isn’t called Carl. |
| RABBO: | Oh, I’m sorry. You must have me mixed up with someone else. My walrus isn’t called Carl. |
| (He thinks about it for a moment.) | |
| RABBO: | Dang. |
| (Sasha giggles. Bunniquette follows them in.) | |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Don’t go making him nuttier than he is, Fuzz, please. I’ve gotta live with the freak. |
| FUZZY: | Sorry, Quette. I couldn’t resist. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Where’s everyone else? |
| FUZZY: | I sent the chainsaws out to look for them. They’ll be here soon. |
| (Gradually everyone turns up. Skunky and Muncher are conspicuous in their absence.) | |
| FUZZY: | As we all know, Skunky and Muncher have been charged with the establishment of a UBF Base here in Yoople City. |
| EARLESS: | So where the hell are they? The manners of you young bunnies these days are quite terrible! |
| (Dr Gumman hits him with a mallet.) | |
| EARLESS: | See? No respect! |
| (He falls over.) | |
| FUZZY: | Thank you Dr Gumman. As I said, Skunky and Muncher were building a UBF base in this city. Unfortunately, they recently went to check on the Anti-Yakky Pope’s former minions and have not been seen since. |
| BULLOCKSNAP: | Yes, and we are finding it very inconvenient at UBFHQ. Your dad is very annoyed. |
| VOICE: | Annoyed doesn’t even cover it, Colonel! |
| (Everyone turns. Here is Ghuzzy!) | |
| FUZZY: | Dad! I thought you were in Ubunnia! |
| GHUZZY: | I was. It was boring. Then I get word that you managed to lose two of our best agents! This is not acceptable. |
| FUZZY: | Sorry, dad. |
| GHUZZY: | Oh, sorry schmorry. I want you to find them! |
| FUZZY: | Have you got any bright ideas about where to look? |
| (There is a flash of light and a large orange cat appears in the centre of the room.) | |
| CAT: | You be lookin’ for the two Agents, non? |
| FUZZY: | Who the fuck are you? |
| CAT: | I’m Alberto the Fox. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Alberto the Fox? |
| ALBERTO: | At your service. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Even though you’re quite clearly not a fox, but a cat? |
| ALBERTO: | It just a name. I be here now. I come from Earth to help you out. |
| ABBIE: | From Earth? |
| ANASTASIA: | Alberto! How lovely to see you again! |
| ALBERTO: | You too, Duchess. Been too long between meets. |
| FUZZY: | You know this character, Anastasia? |
| ANASTASIA: | Of course. Alberto and I have had previous... business dealings. |
| WESTMINSTER: | What, he’s a murdering thieving untrustworthy bastard as well? |
| ALBERTO: | No, mon frère, I used to be. Reformed now. Well, mostly. |
| ANASTASIA: | It’s a shame. Alberto was one of the most gifted thieves I ever worked with... |
| FUZZY: | Mr Alberto, you said you could help us look for Skunky and Muncher? |
| ALBERTO: | Yah. And I tell you now, the two agents are in the ol’ Space Station. We go rescue them now, yes? |
| FUZZY: | Wait a moment, I’ve still got some more questions. Where did you come from? How do you know what we’re looking for? How do you know where Skunky and Muncher are? Are you secretly in league with the Anti-Yakky Pope? |
| ALBERTO: | Man, you sure ask many of the questions! We come now, I tell you later. |
| (Alberto wanders out. Everyone looks very confused.) | |
| WESTMINSTER: | Don’t look at me. I just work here. |
| (Cut to the bridge of the Insignificant Quest, a fine ship borrowed from the Fuzzy Bunny Alternative Reality (coming soon to a website near you) which goes very well and has lots of room to move plus tons of firepower. Well, they destroyed the Tonsilcrash last time, we had to get them something to fly around in!) | |
| (Anyway, as I was saying. Cut to the bridge of the Insignificant Quest. Fuzzy, Ghuzzy, Oyster, Alberto and Bullocksnap are here.) | |
| FUZZY: | So you’re part of Branch T? |
| ALBERTO: | Right. |
| FUZZY: | So what the hell is Branch T? |
| ALBERTO: | We be crime fighting organisation on Earth. Base in Taildale. |
| BULLOCKSNAP: | What, in Taildale? That can’t be right. I’d have heard of you. |
| ALBERTO: | I didn’t say what year. |
| OYSTER: | You’re from the future? |
| ALBERTO: | The past, mon petit lapin. Where I come, it 1997. |
| FUZZY: | What? How did you get here? |
| ALBERTO: | Secret, cherie. You talk more when my boss get here. |
| BULLOCKSNAP: | This just keeps getting stranger... |
| FUZZY: | We’re coming up on the Space Station. |
| (Sure enough, here is the Space Station. It looks pretty much exactly as it did before. The ship docks and our heroes go on board.) | |
| (Cut to a room on the station. Skunky and Muncher are tied up in a corner, unconscious. There is a mysterious figure standing guard over them... but it doesn’t look like a yak...) | |
| (Back to our heroes. They are creeping down a corridor looking very apprehensive.) | |
| FUZZY: | Shouldn’t there be... well, more people in here? Selene and Malvolio were de-yakkifying hundreds of yak warriors. Where the hell are they all? |
| (Quick cut to a theatre. Selene and Malvolio are here with a big bunch of yaks, all watching the new hit Yak musical, ‘The Yak from Oz’ starring Hugh Yakman. The yaks are all entranced.) | |
| SELENE: | This was a wonderful idea! How better to re-introduce our brethren to the true yakky faith! |
| HUGH YAKMAN: | (On stage, singing:)When my baby, when my baby smiles at me I look at rattlers! In the garden! |
| (Back to Fuzzy and Co in the Space Station. They creep towards a corner. Suddenly a figure comes sprinting around it. It is a young human (!) woman.) | |
| WOMAN: | Alberto! There you are! Quick, you all have to hide! We’re in great danger! |
| (And with that she flings open a nearby door and dashes into it, dragging Alberto with her.) | |
| OYSTER: | Well, well, well. This is interesting. |
| FUZZY: | What’s interesting? |
| OYSTER: | Tell you later. We’ve gotta hide. |
| (They all hide in the small room. There is the sound of large amounts of guards walking past the door.) | |
| FUZZY: | What the hell is going on? Who are you? What on earth is a human doing here? |
| OYSTER: | Don’t go being speciesist, bro. Humans have their place in the universe. |
| FUZZY: | I know, I know. No offence meant, Ma’am. |
| WOMAN: | None taken. My name is Clarice - Clarice Yvonne Dutchclapper - but you can call me CYD. I’m from Branch T, like Alberto. We came here looking for an escaped criminal from the 20th Century, but we found something much, much worse. |
| ALBERTO: | You friends, the Agents, they done be captured by the evil spike-heads. |
| BULLOCKSNAP: | The Huns? I say, what terrible bad luck! |
| CLARICE: | No, you idiot, he means the Rhinos. |
| GHUZZY: | Rhinos? |
| OYSTER: | Oh, crap. |
| BULLOCKSNAP: | What rhinos are these? |
| OYSTER: | We met them in Torment on our way to rescue Fuzzy. They were working for... someone. (He eyes Clarice a little warily.) I think we should be very careful. |
| GHUZZY: | Are these rhinos very dangerous? |
| OYSTER: | No, not at all. They’re quite terrible fighters. But their mistress may cause... problems. |
| CLARICE: | And that’s not all. We have reason to believe that the criminal we’re chasing, Killer Possum, may have joined forces with the rhinos as well. |
| ALBERTO: | Mister Killer Possum be very bad news all round. Dangerous, bloodthirsty and absolutely not to be trusted. |
| OYSTER: | A bit like Anastasia, you mean? |
| (Alberto scowls. Clarice sneaks to the door and listens out.) | |
| CLARICE: | I think the coast is clear. We have to get out and find your friends before it’s too late. Alberto and I have to find Killer Possum, and we all have to get these damn rhinos off the station. Everyone armed to the teeth? |
| (There is a general mutter that yes, they are.) | |
| CLARICE: | Let’s go then. |
| (The bunnies creep out of the room and head for the bridge. Cut to another room. Here is Cameroon Congo Zaire and the Anti-Yakky Pope.) | |
| ZAIRE: | The plan is working exactly as expected, mistress. Your father and brothers are here, and so is... she. |
| (We can’t see who speaks, but trust me – it’s Grizzle.) | |
| GRIZZLE’S VOICE: | Really? What a coincidence! This makes my plan even more perfect. Now, where is Ch’zzi and that insane marsupial? |
| POPE: | They are checking on the captured UBF agents and preparing to apprehend the intruders, mistress. |
| GRIZZLE: | Excellent. Do not fail me again, Bartholomew, or you will know the wrath of the Limbo Queen... |
| (Yes, the Anti-Yakky Pope has a first name.) | |
| ZAIRE: | I will not let him fail you, mistress. When will you arrive here? |
| GRIZZLE: | Soon, Zaire. Soon. |
| (Cut to the room where Skunky and Muncher are being held. Fuzzy & co are creeping along the corridor. A pair of rhino guards is standing outside the door.) | |
| FUZZY: | A-hah! Eat laser, hornbills! |
| (The rhinos are confused.) | |
| RHINO 1: | What did you call us? |
| RHINO 2: | We’re not hornbills! Hornbills are birds! |
| RHINO 1: | Are you a bird, Francis? |
| RHINO 2: | I don’t think so, Eugene. I don’t have wings or feathers... |
| (Zap zap zap, the two rhino guards fall over.) | |
| BULLOCKSNAP: | These rhinos certainly are very poor warriors. |
| FUZZY: | And not too bright, either. |
| (They unlock the room and sneak in. Skunky and Muncher are still tied up in the corner.) | |
| SKUNKY: | Whuh? What are you guys doing here? |
| FUZZY: | We’re here to rescue you. Those pathetic rhinos were no match for us. |
| MUNCHER: | No! No, you don’t understand! It’s a tr-- |
| (Clang! Heavy metal bars crash down all around the room, including across the doorway. Suddenly there are hundreds of rhinos all looking in and laughing. | |
| GHUZZY: | Oh, crap. |
| VOICE: | You shouldn’t swear, Dad, it sets a bad example for the rhinos. |
| (It’s Ch’zzi.) | |
| GHUZZY: | Ack! Ch’zzi! Are you the merciless evil leader of these horrible rhinos? |
| CH’ZZI: | No, I’m not. But don’t worry, dad, at least one of your children is in command of something worthwhile... |
| OYSTER: | Aw, shucks. T’ain’t nothin’. |
| CH’ZZI: | Not you, you pathetic Diablo-Lothario. I’m talking about... |
| (Dramatic close-up on her face.) | |
| CH’ZZI: | ...my big sister! |
| (The door to the cell where our heroes are trapped flies open. Here is Grizzle!) | |
| (Roll credits! Cliffhanger ending!) |
Oh no! Better get to Part 2 straight away!
Or you might just prefer to go Home.