| ALBERTO’S VISIT TO THE SPACE STATION | |
| Part Two – the Tramp is a Lady | |
| (The scene is as we finished the last episode. Grizzle has just flung open the door to the cell where our heroes are caught. They are all looking on in shock and surprise.) | |
| GHUZZY: | Grizzle? Oh, Grizzle! I haven’t seen you in ever so long! How are you, my darling baby? |
| GRIZZLE: | Silence! You will bow before me! I am the Limbo Queen! |
| GHUZZY: | I always knew you’d succeed! You were such a promising little girl. Come here and give your old man a hug! |
| GRIZZLE: | Silence! I will have silence! You will obey me! |
| GHUZZY: | So where have you been? Last postcard I got from you was from Romania! How on earth did you go from there to becoming Limbo Queen? |
| GRIZZLE: | SILENCE! Shut up you daft old twit! Errol! Silence him! |
| (A rhino sticks a gun in Ghuzzy’s ribs. He shuts up.) | |
| GHUZZY: | (Reproachful) I just wanted to catch up with you... |
| GRIZZLE: | A good time to do that is not when I’m holding you prisoner! |
| FUZZY: | So why have you brought us all here? I’m assuming you have a dastardly, insidious and inscrutable plot? You usually do. |
| GRIZZLE: | All in good time, baby brother. All in good time. |
| OYSTER: | And while we’re on the subject, what are you doing here, Ch’zzi? Aren’t you supposed to be in jail on Grondoglicon? |
| CH’ZZI: | Grondoglicon? That pathetic excuse for a prison? I escaped within ten minutes! |
| BULLOCKSNAP: | I’m really going to have to talk to Warden Ichorpuss about that... |
| GRIZZLE: | Quiet! You don’t seem to realise the gravity of this situation – I have you held hostage! You are at my mercy! And that’s a shame because I haven’t got any. |
| MUNCHER: | Well, to be honest I don’t think you can blame us for being a little bit... uh... skeptical of your intentions. How many times have you tried to capture or kill us in the last few years only to completely fail? |
| FUZZY: | He’s got a point, Grizz. You and Ch’zzi tried to kidnap me and Oyster and take us to Hell – and that didn’t work. Then you tried to have the Bunster Brigade killed, only to fail miserably again. |
| OYSTER: | And you were the one behind that attack on Saddleflight Major when Goatee was kidnapped by yaks, weren’t you? We foiled that one too! |
| GRIZZLE: | That is of no consequence. I have you all here now, and this is all I need. |
| GHUZZY: | Yes, sweetie, but how long is it going to last for? You know that we’re going to escape as soon as you turn your back and then end up beating you senseless and leaving you in jail. |
| GRIZZLE: | I thought I told you to shut up! |
| GHUZZY: | Now now, there’s no need to be rude... |
| GRIZZLE: | Yes there fucking well is! |
| GHUZZY: | Well! Manners! |
| GRIZZLE: | My plans will come to fruition this time, mark my words. I never had enough Bunny Fun power before, but now I do. |
| FUZZY: | Bunny Fun power? But we’re not BFDs! |
| SKUNKY: | In fact, since Aracus and the Great Zucchini cancelled the Bunny Bun Legacy, there’s no such thing as BFDs at all! |
| GRIZZLE: | I know. I never said you had to be BFDs. No, you see the Bunny family is very closely tied to the Bunny Fun legacy. Within that association there is an incredibly strong source of arcane power – power that is no longer being used since the legacy was cancelled. With this power I can expand my control over the Spawn of Hell society and use it to punch through into this world! And now that I have such a good sample of Bunny family members... well, my plans cannot fail this time. |
| BULLOCKSNAP: | Look here, young lady, I don’t quite know what is going on here but what do you plan to do to us? |
| GRIZZLE: | To you? Nothing at all, my dear Colonel. I’m simply going to have the rhinos kill you. Can’t have you getting in the way, naturally. And as for my brothers and Dad... Well, that’s another question entirely. And of course... having you here... |
| (She trails off and strolls over to CYD.) | |
| CLARICE: | I suppose you’re going to include me in this fiendish plot as well? |
| GRIZZLE: | Oh, but of course. |
| MUNCHER: | Her? Why do you need her? She’s not a Bunny Fun. She’s not even a bunny! |
| GRIZZLE: | I’m sorry? Oh, don’t you know? Didn’t Oyster tell you? |
| FUZZY: | Tell us what? |
| OYSTER: | Uh, bro... |
| GRIZZLE: | Fuzzy, Oyster, Ch’zzi – say hello to... our Mother! |
| (Gasps all round.) | |
| GHUZZY: | What? I don’t understand! What? |
| CLARICE: | I’m sorry, Ghuzzy. I didn’t mean for you to find out like this. It’s me. Cecily. |
| GHUZZY: | Cecily? You’re not Cecily! My Cecily was a bunny! |
| GRIZZLE: | You mean you think your Cecily was a bunny. But she wasn’t – she was a human. How else can you explain... this? |
| (For the first time ever, Grizzle lowers her hood. Shock and horror! The entire right hand side of her face is human!) | |
| FUZZY: | Eww! Gross! |
| OYSTER: | Oh, seriously, sis, put it away. Nobody’s impressed! |
| (She hoods her face again.) | |
| GRIZZLE: | I first started to see it when I was fifteen, in Romania. I couldn’t bear the shame of going home to Ubunnia and being a freak, so I stayed there. After stumbling upon Legislator Valium and the Spawn of Hell Society I used their powers to learn the truth. Dad, Clarice Yvonne Dutchclapper is your wife – Cecily Yolande Dunwoddle. |
| GHUZZY: | Cecily? Really? |
| CLARICE: | Really. I’m sorry, Ghuzzy. I’m really very sorry. |
| GHUZZY: | You’re my wife? But... she called you Clarice. Is your name actually Clarice, or is it Cecily? |
| CLARICE: | No. |
| (Ghuzzy is rather confused but says nothing further.) | |
| BULLOCKSNAP: | Not to put too fine a point on it, young lady, but how on earth did you manage to convince Ghuzzy that you were a bunny? |
| GRIZZLE: | Less yapping from all of you! Now, Zaire, take the Bunny family to the Control deck. There you may shove them all into my new Mince-o-Matic and wait for my command. |
| ZAIRE: | Very well, my Mistress... |
| GRIZZLE: | As for these others... do whatever you like with them. |
| ZAIRE: | With pleasure... |
| (He grins evilly.) | |
| (Cut to a commercial break. Here is Chris Rabbo and Uncle Earless.) | |
| CHRIS: | Are you elderly? Losing your faculties? Causing endless frustration and irritation to your family members? |
| EARLESS: | I resent this line of questioning! |
| (Chris hits him in the head with a large mallet. Earless falls over.) | |
| CHRIS: | New Rabbo Whakisticks. Eliminates nine out of ten irritating old coots – fast! |
| (Back to the Space Station. Fuzzy, Oyster, Ghuzzy and Clarice are in a large glass box. It’s quite clearly the hopper of a giant food processor.) | |
| FUZZY: | Well, this isn’t quite how I wanted a family reunion to be, but it is nice to finally meet you properly, Mum. |
| CLARICE: | Likewise. I just wish we weren’t all about to get ourselves minced by my psychotic eldest daughter in a maniacal plan to take over the universe. |
| OYSTER: | Yeah, that sucks. |
| GHUZZY: | Actually, Cecily, while we’re waiting for Grizzle to come and murder us, would you mind explaining something? |
| CLARICE: | Sure. And call me Clarice. |
| GHUZZY: | How is it that you’re really a human? The Cecily Dunwoddle I married was a bunny. |
| CLARICE: | When I travelled here from the 20th century I used an image inducer to change my appearance. When I married you, as Cecily Dunwoddle, I looked like a bunny. |
| FUZZY: | Hang on, I’m having a thought. |
| OYSTER: | Whoa, everyone stand back! |
| FUZZY: | Shut up! My thought is... you’re a human? |
| CLARICE: | Right first time, brain-box. |
| FUZZY: | And I’m a bunny. |
| CLARICE: | Your powers of perception are truly outstanding, aren’t they? |
| FUZZY: | What I’m getting at, Mum, is that you’re a human and I’m a bunny! We all are! How on earth is that possible? |
| CLARICE: | Oh, you mean the apparent incompatibility between bunny and human genetics? Here, look at this. |
| (She shows Fuzzy and Oyster a large chart.) | |
| OYSTER: | Oh, I see! |
| FUZZY: | Well, that makes perfect sense! |
| OYSTER: | And what about Grizzle being half-human? |
| CLARICE: | This part here. (She points to a spot on the chart.) |
| OYSTER: | Right, that’s what I thought. |
| FUZZY: | It’s great to have that cleared up. |
| CLARICE: | No trouble. You just had to ask. |
| (OK, it’s a bit contrived but Tim forgot what the real reason was.) | |
| (Back in Yoople City, however, all is not well. Cut to Chris’s sushi restaurant. It is deserted except for Sasha who is sitting at the counter with a cup of miso soup.) | |
| CHRIS: | You know, I was fairly sure that a sushi restaurant would be such a good idea. Why was I so very wrong? |
| SASHA: | Possibly because we’re bunnies, and rice doesn’t actually form a natural part of our diet? |
| CHRIS: | Now you’re just splitting hairs. |
| SASHA: | Sorry. I am just being a little bit of worried with Fuzzy being gone. What if they’ve been captured by evil yaks? Or something even worse? |
| CHRIS: | You know what always cheers me up when I’m feeling blue? |
| SASHA: | No. What is it? |
| CHRIS: | Why, singing songs about walruses of course! |
| (Out of nowhere pops Westminster, who dongs Chris over the head with a mallet. He falls down.) | |
| WESTMINSTER: | Wow! They weren’t kidding! These new Rabbo Whakisticks are incredible! |
| SASHA: | Thank you Westminster. But I am still being unhappy. With Fuzzy gone I have nobody to hold hands with! |
| WESTMINSTER: | Whoa, keep it in the bedroom, lady! |
| (Cut back to the Space Station. The cell where Bullocksnap, Alberto, Skunky and Muncher are still being held prisoner. They are all tied up. Muncher is wriggling around but not getting anywhere.) | |
| MUNCHER: | Damn. If only I could reach one of my spare guns! What’s the point of having nine of the damn things on you if you can’t reach any of them? |
| SKUNKY: | Look, Muncher, even if we could get free, we have no way of fighting our way out of these rhinos. There are hundreds of them. Plus the Anti-Yakky Pope’s forces. We’d be hopelessly outnumbered. |
| ALBERTO: | And dat Killer Possum. Him be very dangerous. Worth at least ten yak and forty rhino. |
| BULLOCKSNAP: | I say, young man, you managed to teleport from Taildale in the 20th century to Yoople City in the 44th. Can’t you use your teleporting powers to just... you know, zap us out of here? |
| ALBERTO: | Teleporting take lots of energy. Only enough left for me to take Killer Possum back to Branch T. |
| BULLOCKSNAP: | Bugger. |
| SKUNKY: | Hang on – Muncher, I’ve just had a thought. How many guns did you say you had on you? |
| MUNCHER: | About nine, I think. They took the most obvious ones off me, of course, but I’m fairly sure I still have about nine hidden in various places. Why do you ask, Draino? |
| SKUNKY: | Do any of them happen to be your UBF Special Limited Edition Maxi-Thunker with the Special Attachments? |
| MUNCHER: | Yeah, I think that one is in a sheath down the back of my shirt. But what’s the point? I can’t reach it. |
| SKUNKY: | Let me see if I can do it. |
| (There ensues a lengthy sequence of Skunky doing all kinds of very strange stances to try to get her hands, which are tied behind her back, to the back of Muncher’s shirt. Eventually she manages it by standing on Bullocksnap’s back with Alberto providing balance and guidance.) | |
| SKUNKY: | AH! Finally! Got it! |
| (She pulls out what looks like a very ordinary looking plastic baton, but as soon as she drops it on the ground and taps it twice with her toe it transforms into a massive gun.) | |
| MUNCHER: | Hey, baby... |
| BULLOCKSNAP: | You’re talking to your gun, you realise. |
| MUNCHER: | Yeah, I know. She’s my special gun. Anyway – just let me re-program it... |
| (He pokes a few buttons on the side of the gun. It beeps and turns into: a toaster, a rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle, a small metal bucket, a green clarinet, a garden gnome and finally a big-ass knife.) | |
| MUNCHER: | There we go. |
| SKUNKY: | I’m still not sure what all those other modes are for. |
| MUNCHER: | You never know when they might come in handy... OK, Skunky, you hold the knife and I’ll cut my ropes. |
| (Back to back, they eventually get through the ropes that bind Muncher’s arms behind him. He grabs the knife and frees Skunky, Alberto and Bullocksnap.) | |
| MUNCHER: | That’s a relief. (He returns the gun to its plastic baton mode and pops it away.) OK, team, it’s time to save our friends! |
| (Cut to the control deck. Grizzle is standing in front of the Bunny family, who are still in the glass box.) | |
| GRIZZLE: | Isn’t it nice to have the whole family together again, Ch’zzi? |
| CH’ZZI: | Absolutely. Especially in such happy circumstances. |
| GHUZZY: | Now look, girls, I didn’t want to say anything before, but I’m afraid that your mother and I are very disappointed in this behaviour. If you don’t act responsibly right now and let us out of this glass box, I’m going to have to send you both to your rooms! |
| FUZZY: | Dad, I really don’t think that’s going to help... |
| GHUZZY: | (Hisses.) Shut up, I think I’m getting through to her. |
| GRIZZLE: | Oh, don’t be ridiculous. Now, Bartholomew, prepare for the arrival of Lord Valium! I shall use his magic to suck the Bunny Fun power from these pathetic weirdos, just as soon as I’ve pureed them to the right consistency. |
| POPE: | Lord Valium is on his way, Mistress. |
| GRIZZLE: | Very well! Killer Possum! You may switch on the Mince-O-Matic! |
| (KP grins evilly and pulls a lever. A large blade assembly lowers from the roof of the cage. He moves to the main control panel where there’s a big on/off switch, currently set to ‘off’.) | |
| KILLER POSSUM: | Any last words, Dutchclapper? |
| CLARICE: | Last words? Only one. NOW! |
| (Alberto suddenly dives through the air and jams a large knife into the on/off switch, permanently jamming it into the ‘off’ position. Muncher, Skunky and Bullocksnap charge in too, firing wildly at the assembled rhinos and yaks.) | |
| CLARICE: | All right! Chalk one point up for Branch T! We rule! |
| (Alberto is fighting vigorously with Killer Possum. Bullocksnap manages to sneak through the fray to the controls for the Mince-O-Matic, where he pushes a large button marked ‘OPEN’. The glass cage lifts off the Bunny family and frees them. Clarice rushes to Alberto’s aid where KP seems to be getting the upper hand. She grabs the possum around the neck, hanging on for dear life.) | |
| CLARICE: | Now! We have to go now, Alberto! |
| FUZZY: | Mum! Wait! |
| (It’s too late. In a flash of light, Alberto has activated his teleportation device and he, Clarice and Killer Possum have gone.) | |
| GRIZZLE: | Don’t fret, baby brother! I’ll bring her back! I’ll bring you all back, and I’ll slaughter you like dogs and suck out your essences! You will never stop me – never ever! |
| FUZZY: | No! I can’t let you do it! You can kill me, but don’t you DARE do a single thing to hurt my mother! |
| (He lunges at her with his knife. She easily dodges his thrust, laughing.) | |
| GRIZZLE: | Oh, baby wants his mummy? You’re pathetic! You couldn’t kill me even if you wanted to! I’ve got the powers of the Limbo Queen to protect me! I am invincible! |
| FUZZY: | NOOOO! |
| (He stabs wildly with the knife. It embeds itself deeply in Grizzle’s chest. She stares down at it in surprise for a moment before falling over.) | |
| FUZZY: | Oh... oh, no... |
| (The rhinos and yaks stop fighting in surprise as they see their leader fall.) | |
| GHUZZY: | What... what the hell is that knife? |
| FUZZY: | Nerpalonian Trickyknife. I never leave home without it. |
| (A flash of fire suddenly stabs down from the ceiling. It hits the floor and forms itself into a pentagram.) | |
| OYSTER: | Oh, shit! It’s Valium! |
| CH’ZZI: | Too bloody right it’s Valium! And he will make you pay dearly for murdering my sister! |
| (Oyster throws off his coat, revealing his demon wings.) | |
| OYSTER: | You guys get out of here! Run! I’ll hold him off! |
| FUZZY: | But-- |
| OYSTER: | No time! Get out of here! I’m the only one who can hold him off! |
| SKUNKY: | He’s right – the longer we hang around the more danger we’re in of getting you minced! |
| (Valium materialises in the centre of the pentagram.) | |
| OYSTER: | Ack! Shit! Get out of here! NOW! Tell Pirica I love her! |
| (They do so – they run for it out of the control deck, down the corridor and to the docking port where their ship is docked.) | |
| FUZZY: | Oh, poor Oyst! What have we done? |
| GHUZZY: | He’s a Demon! He’ll stand a better chance than us! Move it! |
| (They all barge into the ship. Muncher takes the controls and speeds away from the space station.) | |
| FUZZY: | That was... not a good way to end that adventure. |
| GHUZZY: | I don’t think you should abandon all hope, son. Oyster’s a demon. He’s got powers we can only speculate about. |
| (Fuzzy is gloomy and says nothing. The ship continues on back to Yoople City.) | |
| (Back in the Sushi bar. Sasha and Abbie are sharing some carrot noriyaki, although they are not enjoying it very much.) | |
| ABBIE: | This restaurant was a really bad idea. |
| SASHA: | Yes, poor Christopher did not make a sensible decision with what type of restaurant to open. He should have left it up to Ralph. Ralph is an excellent cook. |
| (Chris comes in. He has a suitcase under one arm and a backpack with the walrus in it on his back.) | |
| CHRIS: | That’s OK. I’ve decided to close the sushi bar. I’ve just had a call from Lucky – Dad is holding a big meeting of the Gods! I’ve been invited to go and bother them – all of them! |
| ABBIE: | Well I’m sure you’ll be a great success. What’s going to happen to the restaurant? |
| CHRIS: | Nothing. You two are the only people who’ve been in all week. I’ll close it. Nobody will even notice. |
| (He wanders out. From the nearby spaceport they hear the sound of a ship landing.) | |
| SASHA: | Oh! That must be Fuzzy! I know it! He’s back! |
| (She dashes out.) | |
| (Cut to the sushi restaurant ten minutes later. Everyone is here, minus Chris of course. Fuzzy has just finished telling them all about what happened.) | |
| FUZZY: | So there you have it. I’m sorry, Ric, but Oyster said I should tell you that he loves you. |
| PIRICA: | Thanks Fuzzy. sniffle I know... I know that he will have fought bravely. |
| (There’s a flash of light and Oyster’s Stair materialises in the middle of the restaurant.) | |
| OYSTER: | Don’t you know it, baby! |
| PIRICA: | Oh! Oh, Oyster! |
| (She runs into his arms. There’s a lengthy reunion.) | |
| WESMINSTER: | I may vomit. |
| (Abbie punches him.) | |
| GHUZZY: | Well we did at least manage to rescue our two best agents. But I’m a little concerned about all those revolting rhinos. I don’t like them being in my space station. |
| HOPPY: | Don’t worry, Ghuzz. We’ll put together a team to take care of it. ‘Quette, you keen? |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | You betcha, Hopster. I’ve just got to-- (suddenly her head is enveloped in a large glowy blue light.) Whuh? What the...? Aracus? |
| FUZZY: | Aracus? Here? |
| (Bunniquette is listening to something that nobody else can hear.) | |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Oh, you’re serious? He didn’t, did he? Well, OK that’s fair enough but what are you-- What? |
| (There’s a large flash of light and she vanishes.) | |
| SASHA: | Oh my. Class Ten Arcane Emanations! That was Aracus’s power in action! |
| TESSA: | Ain’t nobody like it and that’s the truth! I suppose if she’s with Aracus, Bunniquette can’t be in much danger. |
| FUZZY: | I just hope her idiot husband hasn’t done anything foolish. OK, everyone, it’s time to plan a mass re-taking of the space station. Meet back here in two hours and we’ll discuss it further! |
| (Everyone begins to disperse, leaving just Gumpity and Westminster sitting at a table.) | |
| WESTMINSTER: | Well this two-parter has come to an end at a very unsatisfactory place. |
| GUMPITY: | I suppose you could look at it that way. Personally, I’m just glad that it’s over. Now we can get back to the proper story that Tim wrote. |
| WESTMINSTER: | Yeah, I haven’t been too impressed with these fill-in jobs. |
| GUMPITY: | Now come on, Westminster, Leila has done a very good job of piecing together the plot. She only had very sketchy notes to work from. |
| WESTMINSTER: | Bah. Mind you, if that twit Tim had kept better backups we wouldn’t have been in this pickle to start with. |
| GUMPITY: | Yes, that’s very true. I wonder what this story would have been like if he’d written it? |
| WESTMINSTER: | I’d say... shorter. |
| GUMPITY: | Quite possibly. Well, Westminster, this is the end. If our viewers would like to tune in next week, we’ll be back on course with Season Six. Many questions will be answered, many people will talk with many other people, and Bunniquette will get a new nickname! |
| WESTMINSTER: | So thanks for watching and good night. |
| GUMPITY: | Good night! |
| (That’s the end. Roll credits.) |
Phew! Thank god that's over! Now you can go home.
Or perhaps you'd like to re-read Part One.