SEASON SEVEN EPISODE SIX

CURTAINS 1: MOTHERLODE

(Anastasia's house. Anna, Mac.)

ANASTASIA:

I don't like this, Mac. It's ... happening. You've noticed, too.

MAC:

'Fraid so, Duchess.

ANASTASIA:

We have to find a way to stop it.

MAC:

You know where you went wrong, don't you?

ANASTASIA:

Hmm?

MAC:

Selling your soul. Severing your only link to your original body.

ANASTASIA:

But you're well versed in the physiology of my race! You know that even with my own soul gone and my true form unoccupied, there should be no possible way for ... this terrible thing ... to happen! She's dead! D-E-A-D! She has no right to do this to me!

MAC:

It's barely begun, Duchess. It's gonna get a lot worse.

(The Town Square. Fuzzy and Pirica sit by the park bench, having a picnic.)

PIRICA:

Lovely day, isn't it?

FUZZY:

Yeah.

PIRICA:

Look, Fuzzy ... we need to talk.

(The Melrose-esque titles run. Sasha has been removed, and replaced by the HNM and Teddy Uulamets (!))

FUZZY:

Oh? What about?

PIRICA:

I know this thing with Sash leaving has bummed you out, and you know I want to help you in any way I can, but ... I think you're becoming too attached to me. We're never going to --

(There's a hugely dramatic explosion of blue sparks, culminating in the appearance of Teddy Uulamets.)

FUZZY:

Oh, my --!

PIRICA:

Uulamets?

UULAMETS:

There's not a moment to lose!

PIRICA:

You're dead!

FUZZY:

You're supposed to be a ghost! But - you look real!

UULAMETS:

Well ... maybe just one moment. Right - listen up. I'm not dead, any more, and I've finished being a ghost. I've come back to --

FUZZY:

You weren't supposed to come back from the dead until episode eight of season eight!

UULAMETS:

I'm early. So sue me. The fact is ... there's not going to be a season eight!

FUZZY & RIC:

Gasp!!

UULAMETS:

A terrible danger looms. Summon the others. I must speak with you all.

(Everyone else is summoned.)

UULAMETS:

Everyone get aboard the Insignificant Quest - now!!

BUNNIQUETTE:

Listen, you old dead bugger, we're not just going to --

UULAMETS:

NOW!!

(There is no defying the tone of his voice. They all file into the ship. Cut to the Bridge. Fuzzy, Abbie, Laff, Hoppy, Pirica, Uulamets.)

PIRICA:

Now what's going on, Uulamets?

UULAMETS:

Well ... I had to get you away from there.

FUZZY:

Why?

(On the ship's monitor, we see the planet Yoople Five explode.)

UULAMETS:

That's why.

LAFF:

Gee, it's lucky we weren't there when that happened.

ABBIE:

Why did Yoople Five explode?

UULAMETS:

Orders from that hated but omnipotent alien race whose power extends to cover us all ... the Network Execs. Since you young morons settled down on that planet, the ratings have been dropping like nobody's business. This is a space opera ... of sorts ... and the viewers aren't happy unless you're roaming the spaceways in a starship. I was sent to save you. There's also this trouble with overpopulation. Too many characters.

HOPPY:

We're in a show about rabbits. It's an occupational hazard!

UULAMETS:

Well, the bigwigs upstairs don't like it. I did everything I could, but ... you've been axed.

FUZZY:

What? They can't do that to my show! Especially not now! In the middle of so many unresolved plot lines! My relationship with Pirica ... the situation with Abbie's daughter ... Anastasia Uulamets taking over Anastasia Sarossy-Mammalworth's mind ...

UULAMETS:

What?!! My wife's spirit yet lives?

FUZZY:

Apparently. I don't know much about it, though. Haven't been in touch with the writers recently. But ... axed? They're cancelling my show?

UULAMETS:

Yup. They said you might get a few more Christmas specials and such, and possibly a spin-off sometime in the future, but ... the series will be ending soon.

FUZZY:

But ... but ... will they give us time to tie up all the loose ends?

UULAMETS:

No. They won't.

FUZZY:

Oh, no. What a lot of potentially great stories, lost. I was so looking forward to the war between Powerbus and Ch'zzi. If ... if the series ends now, we'll never see Oyster again! And ... and ... I'll never get to find out how Sasha is doing since she left!

UULAMETS:

That reminds me ...

(He yells)

UULAMETS:

Mac!!

(After a moment, Mac enters.)

MAC:

Yeah? What's up, uh, mister previously deceased King guy?

UULAMETS:

Die, insect.

(Some sort of nasty magic spell results in Mac's death.)

ABBIE:

You killed him!

UULAMETS:

That's for what he did to my daughter.

LAFF:

What did he do to your daughter?

UULAMETS:

It was his mischief-making that turned my daughter into a bloodthirsty, psychotically violent menace.

FUZZY:

What? Really?

(Cut to another area of the ship, where everyone else is gathered.)

EARLESS:

I wonder what that fool magician is up to?

GUMMAN:

I don't know ... but it sounds serious.

ANASTASIA:

I wonder why he called Mac? To kill him, you Nunklon cow, that's why! Oh, piss off, you Nerpalonian harridan - this is my head now! It was mine first, until you murdered me! Yeah, well, finders, keepers. So scram, lady.

WESTMINSTER:

Is she ... arguing with herself?

EARLESS:

I had an argument with myself once.

GUMPITY:

Really?

EARLESS:

Of course. How do you think I ...

(The HNM glares at him and produces a nasty-looking axe.)

EARLESS:

... managed to find my missing maths textbook on the last day of year twelve, back when I was a youngster?

MEGGAN:

Oh, Grandpa, you're such an old silly.

EARLESS:

"Grandpa." Hmph! Grumble, grumble.

(Back to the Bridge.)

FUZZY:

But, remember, they were going to axe the show at the end of season three, but we survived. Maybe we'll make it through again!

UULAMETS:

Nope. This is it. It's definite. Your timeslot's being filled with ...

FUZZY:

Let me guess.

EVERYONE:

Samurai Pizza Cats.

UULAMETS:

The Network's been awaiting this day for a very long time.

FUZZY:

But this means that the Pizza Cats will be the only show the Network screens all week!

UULAMETS:

What can I tell you? They're not called the Samurai Pizza Cats Admirers' Guild for nothing.

FUZZY:

Well ... well ... poo bum!

HOPPY:

What a crock of shit.

FUZZY:

We're done for.

ABBIE:

I'll ... go and tell the others.

(Cut back to the others. Abbie arrives.)

MEGGAN:

What's going on, Mum?

ABBIE:

Well, darling ... everyone ... the thing is, we've ... been axed, actually. The Fuzzy Bunny Show has been cancelled. Oh, and Mac's dead.

ANASTASIA:

Told you. Oh, bugger off, Queenie.

BUNNIQUETTE:

Whatta you mean, "axed"? No way! Says who?

ABBIE:

The Network Execs.

GUMMAN:

They said the same thing at the end of --

ABBIE:

Season three, I know. But that was different. That was because the writers wanted to quit, and then they changed their minds.

BUNNIQUETTE:

That whole soppy Denmark thing that started season four. What a fuckwit.

ABBIE:

But this time it's the station head who wants us off the air. And he's adamant. We've got maybe two or three episodes to wrap things up as best we can, and then the series comes to an abrupt end.

HNM:

Foolish Network Execs. Cancelling this show in its prime!

EARLESS:

Pah! This show's "prime" ended after about the third episode.

ABBIE:

If it's any consolation, most of us will live on in the Alternate Reality stuff.

GUMPITY:

Well ... I don't have a problem with that.

BUNNIQUETTE:

It's fine for you - you came from the Alternate Reality spin-off. But the rest of us belong here in the mainstream continuity! To be permanently relegated to AR ... shudder!!

ABBIE:

DWAS Kapital II was good, though, wasn't it?

BUNNIQUETTE:

That's beside the point! We're supposed to be creator-owned! If the AR writers take us on forever, anything could happen!

SHANDRILAK:

Now, Bunniquette, if our creator trusts the AR writers, so should we.

EARLESS:

You know ... I trusted an AR writer once...

BUNNIQUETTE:

Shut the fuck up, Cleveland. We're facing a crisis worse than any we have faced before.

MEGGAN:

We have multiple deities working with us! Surely a God can beat a Network Exec!

EARLESS:

The kid has a lot to learn.

ABBIE:

I'm afraid there's really nothing we can do but make the best of this situation.

(As the credits roll, We see Fuzzy sadly looking out into space as Dusty Springfield's "Roll Away" plays instead of the usual closing theme (whatever that is).)