| SEASON A episode 1 | |
| 'The Beginning' | |
| (Fuzzy, Bullocksnap, Westminster, Ghuzzy Bunny, and Uulamets are riding horses through the same barren wasteland as used in Paws and Sorcery.[1] Dramatic music is playing. Our heroes look wearied and much travelled. They talk as they ride.) | |
| FUZZY: | Come, my brave companions, soon we shall reach the fortress of King Earless the Fearless! There we shall find feasting, joviality, and rejoicing at our triumphal return! |
| WESTMINSTER: | Speak English, Fuzzy! We've only been doing a third rate Fantasy Epic for a few minutes and you're already talking funny. |
| UULAMETS: | Leave Fuzzy alone. If he wants to pretend he's a medieval hero, he's allowed to. After all, it's his show. |
| BULLOCKSNAP: | I say, Fuzzy old bean, what's this triumphal return you were talking about? We can't have a triumph yet, the series has only just started. |
| FUZZY: | I meant that everyone would be happy that we've escaped from the fortress of Yompy the Foul, and rescued Teddy and Ghuzzy, as you would know if you'd bothered to read the script. |
| (Bullocksnap takes as script out of his saddlebag and consults it.) | |
| BULLOCKSNAP: | Oh, gosh! So sorry, Fuzzy, I seem to have botched the whole first scene. We could do it again if you like. |
| FUZZY: | No, Colonel, it's quite all right. Now at least we've got some tiresome plot explanation out of the way. I've always hated that. |
| UULAMETS: | So have I. |
| (They approach a cave, in the middle of the barren wasteland. From inside, a female voice (Sasha's) can be heard.) | |
| SASHA (OOV): | Help! Help! Please help me! I'm in trouble here! |
| UULAMETS: | That's my daughter! Sasha! Sasha! |
| FUZZY: | Sasha!! |
| SASHA (OOV): | Admiral Fuzzy! I knew you'd come! Please help me, and evil two headed ogre has chained me up in here and he is going to eat me for lunch as soon as he gets back! |
| FUZZY: | Don't worry, Sasha, if he wants to eat you he'll have to go through all of us first! |
| GHUZZY: | Speak for yourself! |
| FUZZY: | Dad! That's most unnecessary! Don't you realise that as heroes of a fantasy epic it's our job to rescue maidens in distress! Here we have a maiden who is beautiful and sweet and kind and nice and sweet and beautiful... |
| GHUZZY: | OK, OK, let's just rescue her then, shall we? |
| (They enter the cave. Sasha is chained to one wall, looking very disheveled. She looks up at her rescuers.) | |
| SASHA: | Oh! Admiral Fuzzy! You are so brave! Thank-you so much for saving me! I thought I was doomed to never see your handsome fuzzy face again... |
| (The others look bored as Fuzzy soaks up the praise. Uulamets finally loses patience and snaps his fingers. Sasha's chains fall off, and she tumbles forwards into Fuzzy's arms.) | |
| SASHA: | Oops! Sorry! |
| FUZZY: | (regains composure) Ahem. OK. What happened, Sasha? How did you come to be in the cave of this ogre? |
| SASHA: | After you left to go and rescue Father and Ghuzzy Bunny from Yompy the Foul, the hoards of the evil King of the Bushrats, Gumpity the Camouflaged, attacked Earless the Fearless's castle. In the struggle, Dr Gumman and I tried to escape. I wound up in this cave. I don't know where the Doctor is. (begins to sob) I don't even know what happened to the castle! (bursts into tears. Uulamets comforts her). |
| WESTMINSTER: | This is a bit of a bugger, Fuzzy! If Earless's castle has fallen to Gumpity the Camouflaged, then we've got nowhere to go, and we'll have to rescue them all, and I'm sick to death of rescuing people. Don't medieval heroes do anything else? Why can't they play Scrabble instead? |
| FUZZY: | Well really, Westminster! Remember the Fair Princess Abbigail? You swore before we left that when you returned you would never leave her again. Now she needs your help. |
| (Chainsaw 2 (Howie) enters the cave.) | |
| HOWIE: | Hurry up, guys! The director says that this is taking far too long. The ogre's getting sick of waiting for you to go and fight him. You still have to do that, you know! |
| WESTMINSTER: | We know! This is just some very necessary plot development. If we have to we'll fight the ogre next episode. |
| HOWIE: | No way! Get on with it! NOW! |
| (Howie exits) | |
| FUZZY: | These chainsaws think they're running the show! Oh well, better go and fight the ogre, I guess. |
| (They exit the cave. There is a huge two-headed ogre there waiting for them. One of his heads appears to be asleep.) | |
| FUZZY: | Aha! What foulness is this? You'd chain up my girlfriend and think you could get away with it, would you? No such luck! |
| HEAD 1: | Aaah, shove it! I don't have to listen to what you say. You're going to be my lunch! |
| FUZZY: | (in true medieval hero style) No way, bozo breath! Dad! Hang me my special Ogre-killing sword! I'll make mincemeat of this thing! |
| (Ghuzzy throws Fuzzy a pink plastic sword of the Masters of the Universe type. The ogre draws a real sword and laughs.) | |
| FUZZY: | Oops! Eeer! Teddy, help me out here! |
| UULAMETS: | (mutters and mumbles a magic spell) Here you go, Fuzzy! |
| (Fuzzy's sword begins to grow. Attempting to keep his balance as it gets heavier, Fuzzy staggers around, waving the sword, and accidentally cuts off the ogre's awake head.) | |
| FUZZY: | Hah! Serves you right, you evil horrible ogre! Lock up my girlfriend, would you? |
| HEAD 2: | (wakes up) Sorry? What was that? Has Burk been locking up young ladies again? |
| SASHA: | Yes, you horrible beast, he has! And now I suppose you want to too! |
| HEAD 2: | Good heavens, no! I think locking up young ladies is disgraceful! I was usually asleep because Burk liked doing nasty things to people, and wouldn't let me do macrame classes. Now that you've killed him, I can do what I like! Thankyou very much! (goes back into the cave and comes out with a suitcase) I'm off to go and study Economics and History at the University! Good-bye! (departs) |
| (Our heroes watch him till he's gone. Fuzzy sighs.) | |
| FUZZY: | This medieval heroing isn't what it's cracked up to be. |
| BULLOCKSNAP: | Cheer up, Fuzzy! We still have to go and see what happened to everyone at Earless's castle! Maybe there will be general rejoicing after all. I mean, we did rescue Sasha. |
| FUZZY: | I'm too old for this kind of thing. Oh well, let's go! |
| (Our heroes ride off into the sunset. The credits roll over a picture of the Ogre in a cap and gown being given his degree.) |
On to the next episode.
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