'Not one word of the following is true.'

- Stephen Fry

Suzy Styles straightened the silver-green cravat at the throat of Ambassador Valentina Buj. Something she was doing for probably the last time.

'So,' she said. 'This would be goodbye, then... Captain Buj,' she said.

'For a time, at the least,' said Val, 'Lieutenant Commander Styles.'

Suzy shook her head and pointed to the transporter pad. 'I don't technically become the Compromise's diplomatic officer until you leave the ship. That's when I officially become a Federation ambassador and get to put a little black pip on my collar.'

Val raised her eyebrows. 'Really? So the longer I stay...'

'...actually, the longer you stay, the more annoyed the captain of the Chutzpah's going to get.'

Val nodded. 'Oh. You're right. And they're taking me to...'

Suzy sighed and smiled, handing Val a padd. 'Working me right to the end, aren't you? Your itinerary, sir. They're taking you to Starbase Archer. There, Admiral Leyk will meet up with you, and you'll be safely on your way.'

On her way to the Starfleet Diplomatic Corps, that was. After six and a half years as the Compromise's resident diplomat, someone had noticed how few wars had started on Val's watch, and offered her a transfer. It meant she was leaving her friends once more, but she doubted she would never hear from them again.[1] Besides, a promotion to the captain rank, even if she wouldn't much wear the uniform to show it, had helped sweeten the deal.

Val and Suzy looked at each other awkwardly for a few moments. Noomy looked back and forth between them both, because she wasn't sure if this was an emotional moment and if she should leave. She wasn't sure if she trusted Suzy with her transporter console, though.

'Anyway,' Val said at last. 'This probably isn't the time for a long speech. After all, I'm off duty. I'll simply say...goodbye.'

'"Don't say 'goodbye',"' quoted Suzy. '"Say 'good journey'."'

Val smiled - a genuine smile, and not the slightly hollow one she reserved for work occasions - and stepped up onto the transporter pad. 'Energise,' she said.

Noomy slid her fingers over the console, and Val shimmered away in blue light. 'Hey, that was really deep, what you said,' she told Suzy. 'Where's it from? A poem or something?'

'Nee? Oh, it's from the Masters of the Universe movie,' said Suzy, and walked out.

The first thing she needed, Suzy decided, was an assistant. Val had made good use of her over the years[2] - to the point that Suzy could claim to be able to do the job herself (something she would now get to discover the truth of). Still, if being an ambassador meant being allowed to give some of your duties over to someone else, she was all for it. At Val's farewell, for that matter, Euan had told her that she could appoint whomever she wanted to the position. True, Euan had been by his own admission 'eight-fifteenths' drunk when he said this, but, hell, he was the captain.

Suzy tried to place the best person on board to do it. Someone reliable would be good. Someone well-organised. Someone discreet.

Or, someone who was the first to run out of the turbolift and slam straight into her.

'Suzy!' said Ensign Prideaux. 'Um, sorry.'

'Alira,' said Suzy, pulling the other woman off her. 'Have you ever wanted to be a diplomat?'

Alira looked around nervously, apparently waiting for a TV personality to surprise her. 'Um...wouldn't mind, I guess...'

'Good. How about a diplomatic aide?'

'Huh?'

Suzy sighed. 'I'm the ship's diplomat now. I need a helper. I'm asking you to do it.'

The light dawned on Alira. 'Oh! Right! Yes. Maybe. What does that mean?'

'You'll do for me what I used to do for Val. Look up files. Hold stuff. Bail me out when I've embarrassed myself in front of an alien envoy. That sort of thing. And, if you come from Security into my service, you get a pretty red top and an extra pip.'

Alira shrugged. 'All right. But first Ruth wanted me to--'

'Nuh! Effective immediately! Come on.' She led Alira back into the turbolift.

On the bridge, Ruth reacted to her console. 'Something out there,' she said suddenly.

'Where?' asked Euan.

'180 mark 0.'

Ratbat started making little circles in the air, a puzzled look on her face. 'Behind us,' Ruth told her.

'Hail it.'

'Nothing. No response, no acknowledgement. I'm not even sure it can pick us up.'

'Well, we dinna know if it's hostile,' said Ratbat.

'You know, Ratti,' said Euan. 'Sometimes you can have too open a mind. Sometimes, in a military situation, you've just got to assume the other thing's hostile.'

It was starting to hurt to turn all the way to Euan and look at him, so Carmen frowned at the Tetris game on her console instead. 'What are you talking about, Euan? This isn't a military situation; we're in Starfleet.'

Euan snorted. 'Oh, come on! How is Starfleet not military?'

'How is it?' asked Sam.

'It has ships,' said Euan.

'So do P&O,' said Leila.

'It has captains.'

'So do football teams,' said Carmen.

'It has ranks.'

'The police have those an' all,' said Ratbat.

'And uniforms.'

'McDonald's.'

Euan sighed. 'So in your mind, all this time we've been on some kind of crime-stopping, rugby-playing pleasure cruise to bring fast food to the universe?'

Leila raised a hand. 'Tell me more about this fast food.'

'Captain, they're gaining on us!' Ruth said suddenly. 'And they're firing an energy--' Her console flashed everything it could, then squealed and went dead. 'Oh, don't like that.'

'Initiating skedaddle manoeuvre,' said Sam.

'See?' said Euan.

Ratbat snapped her console around. There was a flash from somewhere, and the ship shuddered slightly. 'We're taking fire, Captain!'

'Damage?'

Carmen called out, 'Shields down by half! No structural damage, but the computers are...buggered.'

'Evasive manoeuvres!' Euan told Sam. 'Which computers?'

'You name it and I can't tell you! The damage report's gone mad, it looks like a Magic Eye puzzle.'

Ratbat called it onto her console. 'Hey, it's a dragon!'

'Wait,' said Ruth. 'I can get it on the viewer!'

'By all means,' said Euan.

The viewscreen was filled with the image of a large white glowing object. 'Large and white,' said Leila. 'Glad we sorted that one out.'

Carmen braced herself as Sam swung the Compromise out the path of the light. 'Fucking life support could be suffering here!' She turned to Sam. 'For Christ's sake, do something or we're all gonna die!'

'I'm doing everything I can, they're still out-manoeuvring us!'

'Ms King!' said Euan. 'Any word on those computers?'

'Still scrambled. I can't tell what it's doing.'

Down in engineering, Nick evaded a shower of sparks and whacked his communicator. 'Captain, the warp core's going to shit!'

'That answers that,' said Ratbat.

Carmen continued: 'I can't tell...well, anything. God knows what it's doing. If anything. Hang on. Got it! Oh.'

There was a slight lull, insofar as one could have one at a time like this. 'What?'

'I think the computer's getting over it, but seven erotic holodeck programs have been corrupted.'

Euan sprang to his feet. 'We have to fire! Now! Or we lose everything that's dear to us!'

Ruth thumped her spluttering console. 'Weapons offline, sir!'

Naughty words escaped Euan. 'Oh, shit...'

There was another burst of energy from their opponent, which snapped the ship abruptly, and then everything was still.

Suzy leant away from the door frame. She tentatively took away her supporting hand, but everything remained as it was.

'Well, whatever that was, it's over now,' she said. 'Come in,' she told Alira.

Alira followed Suzy into her quarters. 'Ah, new job, new quarters,' said Suzy. 'Big quarters.'

She removed her jacket and handed it to Alira. Alira might have been insulted by the implication she was some kind of domestic, but it meant that so far, the job was pretty easy.

'Just let me sort some stuff out, then I can put your update in the computer. The replicator's over there; you may as well get yourself a new uniform right now.'

'Uh-huh.' As she took off her gold shirt, Alira told the replicator about the red one she'd be needing now.

'Hang on,' said Suzy. 'Can you pass me my top again? I need my comm badge.'

Alira got halfway through the acknowledgement 'Sure,' when the Compromise's outside adversary sent a pulse down the beam holding the ship in place, and she, Suzy, and all of the rest of the crew, found themselves thrown off their feet.

On the bridge of the starship, a small group of people in similar clothing started to open their eyes. They looked around themselves. They looked at the room, they looked at each other, they looked at themselves. Many confused glances were exchanged, eyebrows raised.

Then one of them, the one with four gold pips on his red collar, said, 'Do I know any of you?'

The same thing was happening all over the ship. People who to all intents and purposes should have seemed very familiar with each other were reacting as if they were surrounded by strangers. No-one knew each other. No-one knew where they were. No-one knew who they were.

On the bridge, people were voicing their first hesitant questions. A brunette woman whose clothing had gold trim was saying, 'I don't know any of you, either.' She whirled around to face the smaller, red-haired woman who stood at the top of the room, and whose uniform was topped off by a weapons belt of some sort. 'What have you done? Why can't we remember anything?'

Weapons glared at her. 'What the hell do you mean? I can't remember anything either!'

'Why do you think she's behind it?' asked Four-Pip.

'Well...' said Brunette, 'she's standing on that little raised bit there.'

The last occupants of the room joined in as a large golden-red-haired woman with blue-highlighted garb helped another brunette, this one wearing sunglasses and red on her uniform, to her feet.

'It looks like none of us remember anything,' said Golden-Red. 'Including who we are.'

'No...' said Brunette. She looked over at the one in sunglasses. 'Interesting.'

'What?' said Shades. She didn't know if she usually did it, but she suddenly felt self-conscious.

'You've got four breasts.'

'And?'

Brunette stood up to demonstrate. 'Notice anything? Only the two.' Shades stopped her from going further by suddenly embracing her tightly.

'?'

'You poor thing!' wailed Shades.

'What?'

'Ye've obviously been in a horrible, horrible accident!'

'Ohh, stop it,' said Brunette, separating her. She couldn't help but look around to see that the other women in the room matched her, though.

The short-haired man sitting in the opposite chair spoke up. 'We're plainly on a spaceship of some kind.' He looked at the panel in front of him. 'I don't think we're moving, though.'

Brunette looked at the screen near her. 'Everything's OK on board. All our systems are returning to normal.' She looked up again. 'So I guess they weren't before.'

Shades scowled. 'You can use these panels?'

Short-Hair looked at his console and back. 'Yeah. I don't know why, but I know if I had to could fly this thing somewhere.'

Shades walked to one of the rear computer stations and pressed a few controls in experimentation. 'Me too.'

Golden-Red put her hands on her hips. 'So, it looks like we can do things...we just don't remember who we are or how we learnt to do them.'

'Yeah.' Weapons looked around. 'We're probably in charge of this ship, then. Tell me this isn't the bridge.'

Short-Hair nodded. 'That sounds right.'

Four-Pip chewed his nails. 'That probably means we should tell the rest of the ship what's happening.'

'But we don't know what's happening,' said Weapons.

'Don't chew your nails,' added Brunette.

At that point someone broke wind, and an apology was drowned out by the woman with golden-red hair collapsing with laughter.

'I don't know why,' she said between gasps. 'But that was extremely funny!'

'Everybody...um...hi. This is...well, I'm not sure who I am, but I wear yellow and I work on the bridge. It's come to our attention that we've all lost our memories. It's very important that nobody panic. There are these little shelves on the wall that make cheap booze, so use them if that helps you. We're trying to figure out what's going on, so just keep calm. Oh, and if anyone in the engine room is hearing this, could they please send one of your most qualified specialists to the bridge. Thank you.'

As the words of the PA drifted into her ears, she found herself coming back to full consciousness. It surprised her when this gave her the waking position of being face-down on a woman's underwear-clad chest.

The other woman was already conscious, and her eyes behind her glasses went very round as she took the situation in.

They were slumped on (if you were the one with glasses) and against (if you were the one without) a large double bed. At least, she thought, she wasn't supposed to know how she'd got there. It might have been very embarrassing otherwise. As opposed to simply quite embarrassing.

'We're going to untangle ourselves now,' she said. 'And it's going to be very collected and dignified.'

Glasses gave a short nod. 'Very,' she agreed.

'On three,' she started to say, but the bespectacled woman stood straight up and knocked her onto the floor. 'Or not.' She got to her feet.

'What's going on?' said Glasses.

'You heard the magic voice. We've got amnesia.'

Glasses looked back at the bed. 'I didn't know you could get it like that.'

'Hm.' She looked around. 'Nice room.'

'Thanks. Hang on; it might be yours.'

'Why might it be mine?' protested the woman with her hair tied into buns.

Glasses sniffed. 'I don't think I'm the sort of person to just bring random women back to my place like that.'

'So what makes you think I am?'

'Well, it had to be one of us.'

Buns sighed. 'Come on, we don't even know that's what we were doing.'

Glasses looked at herself, at the various discarded jackets and shirts, and back at the woman with her hair up. 'Yes. I was just changing my shirt and we fell over on the bed.'

'Does that work for you?'

Glasses picked up and donned one of the red shirts. 'Maybe.'

'Well, we don't know what's going on,' offered Buns. She rubbed her eyes. 'We could-- oh.'

'Oh what?'

Buns held out her left hand. 'Look at that: we're married!'

Glasses smiled and let out a breath. 'That's all right, then. Wait, why don't I have a ring?' She thought about it. 'Unless I took it off to go wash or something, which is also why I'm not properly dressed!' She smiled again.

'Works for me.' She scratched her head. 'Now, that doesn't really answer who we are, or wh-- Nee, where are you off to?'

Glasses looked at her, puzzled. 'Going to finish my bath!' She went into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.

Another woman, a blonde, stared at her reflection in a large mirror.

'I'm different...' she said. She turned to the tall man next to her. 'Look at my head...none of the rest of you have a head like this!'

The man shrugged.

She tried to rummage around in what she did know. A phrase sprang to the front of her mind as she puzzled over things. 'tlhIngan jiH.'

'I'm sorry?' asked the tall man.

'tlhIngan jiH,' she repeated, then translated. 'I'm a Klingon.' She smiled at herself. 'Yes...a Klingon. And this room...this large hall, you must be my army in training!' She threw her arm to encompass the room. 'This must be my...hall of warriors!' She grinned.

'If this is your army,' said the man.

'Yes?'

'And you're our great and honourable general...'

'Yes?'

'Why are you standing behind what looks like a bar?'

'That...that's just so I can address the hall.'

'Then why have you got a hand-towel over your shoulder? And you seem to be wearing a waistcoat rather than any kind of battle dress.'

'You seek to question me?'

He held up a postmix drinks nozzle. 'Is this a deadly weapon?'

The Klingon folded her arms and pouted. 'Well, you're not getting into Sto-Vo-Kor.'

Things on the bridge hadn't got much further. From the engine room had come a dark-haired, bearded man - he'd been elected most qualified because he'd been standing closest to the lift. He and the brunette wearing gold were working away at one of the bridge's rear computer stations, trying to discover some clue about who they were, where they were, and what they were supposed to do there. The others in the room had ended up in various mini-arguments about which of these factors took priority, or for that matter, which of them did.

'Yes,' Golden-Red sighed, only having half-listened to what the woman in sunglasses had said, 'but your opinion doesn't count because I am much more important than you.'

'Huh? How do you figure that? We dinna really know who outranks who.'

Golden-Red rolled her eyes. 'Well, I'm me. I'm the most important. You are not me, therefore you aren't.'

'I might be,' Shades said.

'?'

'We don't know who we are,' she continued. 'How do you know that I'm not you?'

The redhead meeped in protest, but the short-haired man talked over her. 'Does anyone know what these uniforms are? That might help.'

'Are we sure they're even uniforms?' said Golden-Red. 'They really don't look that alike.'

'Uh,' said Brunette. 'They really do.'

'We're some kind of armed service,' said Weapons.

'And how do you figure that?' asked Four-Pip. 'You're the only one who's actually armed. You might just be a nutter or something.'

She scowled at him. 'I figure it from looking at this console. The ship's armed. Quantum torpedoes. Phasers. Not exactly something you'd arm the Love Boat with.' She paused. 'There it is again! Obviously the only thing we don't know is stuff about ourselves or our jobs. Apparently dodgy old TV shows are OK.'

'Then if we're soldiers,' said Four-Pip, 'who's the commanding officer?'

'Could that be what the colours mean?' wondered Golden-Red.

Short-Hair looked her over. 'Well, you're the only one wearing blue. Maybe you are the captain.'

'Hey, don't be too sure,' said Weapons. 'I must be standing up here for a reason.'

Shades was moving her hands over the lower portion of her chest. 'That explains it!'

Four-Pip didn't like where this was heading. 'Explains what?'

Shades cupped her lower breasts. 'This must be an indication of rank!'

Brunette turned from her task and glared at her. 'You're in command, so you have four breasts?'

'Makes sense to me.'

'It does not; it's completely stupid.'

'Ah!' Shades cut her off with a gesture. 'Talk to the boobs.'

'The captain of a ship has four breasts?' Short-Hair raised his eyebrows. 'I'd hate to see a fleet admiral.'

The bearded man pulled back from the workstation. 'Yes!'

'You found it?' asked Weapons. 'Who are we?'

'Let's find out,' said Beardman. 'I managed to get us some access. We're still locked out of a bunch of things, but we should be able to get the basics.'

'Right.' Brunette stepped forward. 'Computer?'

A flat, feminine voice intoned, 'Please state request.'

'All right... Computer, what is this ship we're all on.'

'This ship is the Narrabundah Star Fleet vessel USS Compromise. Registry NC-2604-Z. Pre-Menstrual-class. Commissioned on stardate 50445.2'

'What are we out here for? What's our mission?'

'Federation peace envoy.'

'Ah, right. OK, here's the important one. Can you tell us, with pictures, who the senior staff are?'

On the screen, brief service records - including, thankfully, photographs - appeared as the computer rattled off the identity of those present, and a few who weren't.

'Senior staff, USS Compromise. Commanding officer, Captain Euan Bowen.'

'Oh.' Euan was slightly surprised that the four pips on his collar weren't just some kind of long-service statement.

'First officer, Commander Daria Sigma.' The screen also gave her the easily-sourced nickname 'Ratbat'.

'Second in command,' the Brunette said to her.

Ratbat shrugged. 'Still good. The tits have it.'

'Second officer and operations manager, Lieutenant Commander Carmen King.'

'Oh! I do have a name!'

'People tend to,' said Weapons.

'You don't yet.'

'Third officer, Lieutenant Commander Tille Cotcheck. Chief medical officer, Lieutenant Commander Graham Henstock. Chief of Sciences, Commander Ksenia Forde.'

Beardman looked around. 'Nuh. Don't see any of them around.'

'We'll probably have to go find them,' said Brunette.

'Chief engineer, Lieutenant Nicholas Akhurst.'

'Hey. I guess not just anyone is allowed to stand near the lift.'

'Security chief, Lieutenant Ruth Crabb.'

Ruth nodded. 'Somehow...I'm just not surprised.'

'Ship's counsellor, Lieutenant Commander Leila Fetter.'

She of the golden-red hair stared at the screen. 'Oh, come on. That cannot be how you spell "Lyla", surely?'

'Diplomatic protocol, Lieutenant Commander Suzy Styles. Transporter chief, Lieutenant (junior grade) Paneeta Schwinghamer.'

' "Noomy",' Carmen read as her preferred address. 'And there's some more people we'll have to track down.'

'Flight controller, Lieutenant Sam Ogborn.'

Sam slapped his hands down. 'I can only assume they're saving the best for last.'

'Right,' Euan said, a little quickly. 'We've established I'm in charge. What now?'

'You tell us,' said Ratbat. 'You're in charge.'

'We've got our current mission here,' said Carmen. 'If that interests you at all.'

'It does,' nodded Euan. 'But first, let's round everyone up. Lieutenant Crabb, you and Ogborn go on foot. Try to find... the others. Number One, see if you can find a good place for a staff meeting. Number Two...'

Leila had collapsed laughing again.

'What is it?' asked Sam simply.

'He said "number two"!' she gasped, recovering.

'He also said "number one",' said Carmen, then stopped as Leila fell off her chair completely in mirth.

'King,' Euan said, 'can you please find a way to make those records available all through the ship, so people at least know their names?'

'Yes, sir.'

'Still haven't found that ring of mine,' she said as she came from the bathroom.

'No?' said Suzy absently. 'Maybe you left it in the yard or something. Look, we've got names.'

'Really? Says who?'

'Says the computer. Look. I'm called Suzy, and you're...hang on...Alira. Ensign Alira Prideaux.'

Alira wrinkled up her nose. 'Really?'

'What's wrong?'

'I kind of thought of myself with another name. Like "Nigel".'

'You did not,' said Suzy. 'You're just being strange.'

There was a chime from somewhere.

'What?' said Alira.

It sounded again, and they traced it to the door.

'Um...door open now,' said Suzy.

Two women stood at the door. 'Ambassador Suzy Styles?' said the shorter of the two.

'I guess so.'

'Yeah, well, you are. I'm Ruth, this is Ksenia. You've got to come to a staff meeting.'

Ratbat led the troupe from the bridge into the large room with the Klingon behind the bar.

'This looked like the best place for a meeting,' she said.

Euan looked at her. 'Do you know that there's a room right next to the bridge with a big table, loads of chairs and a viewscreen?'

'Och, that place'll be much better once they've finished it. This one has a bar and everything.'

Euan nodded. 'Good point.'

'I found Graham and Tille; they're just moving the tables together.'

Euan grimaced. 'What the hell is he...?'

'I know. He assures me that that violent excuse for a shirt is part of his uniform.'

The group approached the tables.

Carmen immediately informed Tille, 'I know what you're thinking. And your breasts might be very impressive, but they don't mean you're in charge.'

Tille dropped the table on Graham's foot in surprise. 'I'm sorry?'

Ratbat waved a dismissive claw. 'Don't worry, Two-Tits here has a complex. I can only assume she's got some really thin children back home.'

'Oh, right...the, um, four...' Tille trailed off, clearly embarrassed.

Ruth arrived with the remainder of the senior staff. 'Ksenia, Suzy, Noomy,' she said. 'That's everyone.'

'And...?' Ratbat looked at the woman with Suzy.

'Oh. That's Alira. Mrs Suzy.'

Suzy kissed Alira's cheek and separated from her. 'I'd better get to this meeting now. I'll grab you afterwards.' She smiled naughtily at the last part, but Alira just blinked at her as she left.

The senior staff sat around the table. The blonde Klingon came up to them. 'Hi,' she said, with no vigour whatsoever. 'I'm Emma, and apparently I ask you what you would like to drink.'

'Well, we're having a meeting,' said Euan.

'Right, we will need drinks,' said Ratbat. 'We just get a pitcher, that all right with everyone?' There were mutters and nods of approval. 'Wicked. Pitcher of vodka, thanks.'

Emma left, cursing to herself. 'Who the hell ever heard of a Klingon bartender anyway...'

'So, what do we know?' said Euan. Carmen handed him a padd. 'Ah. Thank you.' He fell silent.

'So?' said Leila. 'What does it say?'

'Hang on, I'm reading. OK. We're in Starfleet, we work for the United Colleges Federation. Not only are we on a mission of peace, we're on a top-secret mission of peace.'

'Of course,' said Sam. 'Wouldn't want word of that whole "interplanetary harmony" thing getting out, otherwise everyone'll start doing it.'

'We're not just secretive for the fun of it. The Compromise is to rendezvous with the Cotiflan people. They used to be very distrusting of outsiders, so they don't want word to get out until everything's confirmed.'

'Some cultures are like that,' said Suzy. 'Especially if they went for a long time without meeting any other races.'

'Because of this,' Euan went on, 'we're under a very strict radio silence. We're not supposed to call Starfleet or anyone else during this mission.'

'That makes a sort of sense,' said Leila, 'but surely this is an emergency.'

Euan tapped the padd. 'The orders are very clear.'

'But do they really want a ship full of people who don't know what they're doing taking on this mission?'

'Seems dangerous for such an important event,' said Suzy.

'We still have all our skills, though,' said Graham. 'So we can still do it.'

'What happened?' asked Ksenia. 'Were you performing a medical procedure today?'

'What? No, I didn't even know I was a doctor until just now. But I can still take off a girl's bra with one hand.'

'All the same,' said Ratbat, 'I'm not sure I'm completely sold on this silence thing. Not now.'

'No, it makes sense,' said Tille. 'It could mess up the whole thing.'

Euan nodded. The third officer's words rang true. 'Good. We'll go to the rendezvous, then. Mr Ogborn, that'll be your job. Back to the bridge, set a course, we'll go at warp...hm...seven.'

'Gotcha,' said Sam. 'Um, captain.'

'Dr Henstock, if you can get our memories back, I'm sure we'll all be very grateful. Styles...'

'Do some homework?'

'Exactly.'

'Ryoukai.' Suzy still didn't really know who this guy was, but he seemed to be in charge, so there must have been a good reason for it.

Euan and Carmen continued to detail jobs for the crew to do, and by the time Emma returned to the table, only Ratbat and Leila were left at it.

Both of them looked at the large jug of booze before them.

'So,' said Leila. 'Shall we chug?'

Suzy sat herself opposite a nervous-looking Alira. 'Are you all right?' she asked.

'I'm not your wife,' Alira said.

'What? What are you on about?' said Suzy.

'See that woman up at the bar? The human with really pale skin and black hair.'

'Yeah, what about her?'

'She's your wife.'

'Are you drunk? I only left you for fifteen minutes, you can't be very drunk.'

'When I was at the bar, I saw that she had a wedding band on too. And it looks exactly the same as yours.'

'So? A wedding ring's a wedding ring!'

'You should know, you've got one. I haven't. That chick at the bar has.'

'Then how do explain what we were doing this morning?'

'I'm another woman.'

'I can tell that!'

'Suzy. I mean I'm an "other woman". As in the other woman. We're obviously having an affair.'

'What? Come off it, you're probably just my assistant or something.'

'Yeah, good thing people never have a fling with their assistants, eh?'

'...'

'Look, I can understand why you'd want to. I'm fucking gorgeous, I can see that. But...but I don't like the idea of breaking up a marriage like this.'

'You were obviously OK with it before,' Suzy insisted.

'Yeah, well, I guess amnesia gave me a conscience.'

'Alira! We don't even know--'

'What? Don't tell me: You got a ring as a gift, and it just happens that the only finger it'll fit on is that one. Whatever.' Alira stood up.

'Matte-yo! You don't love me now, is that what this is?'

'Of course I don't, you cheated on your wife!'

'But...' Suzy's plea was delivered to Alira's retreating back. 'Ah, fuck it,' she said.

Ruth and Tille entered sick bay. 'Graham,' said Ruth. 'You called for volunteers.'

Graham turned to Nurse Stephens in confusion. 'Naked volunteers, I said.'

Sil rolled her eyes at him. 'You also said it would be no trouble to take my bra off with one hand, but you're still wearing it.'

'Do you think you have anything?' asked Tille.

'Yes,' said Graham, swigging from a Guinness can. 'OK, I've done a few tests, and as far as I can tell, everyone's brain seems to be perfectly healthy. I think that we still have our memories.'

'No we don't; I would have remembered,' said Ruth. Tille smiled at her a bit, but none of the medical personnel thought that one was funny after the sixty-third time.[3]

'I think we still have our memories,' said Graham, 'but we can't get to them.'

'You mean that they're blocked?' asked Tille.

'Exactly,' said Sil.

'Can you do anything about it?'

'Maybe.' Nurse Wylie entered, holding a hypospray.

Ruth took it and looked at it. 'This'll give our memories back?'

'It might,' said Nicole. 'It's based on the idea that electrochem-- Oh, why am I bothering? You're not doctors; you won't understand it.'

'It'll reboot your memories,' said Sil.

Tille took her turn to look at the hypospray. 'Have you tested it yet?'

'Uh, no,' Graham admitted. 'That's why we wanted a volunteer.'

'You're testing it on a live subject?' spluttered Ruth. 'Why can't you use a computer model?'

'The computer model didn't lose its memory,' said Graham.

Ruth and Tille looked at each other uncomfortably.

'You can try it on me,' said Tille suddenly.

Ruth stared at her. 'Have you taken leave of your senses?'

'No. Just my memories.' She handed the hypospray back to Nicole. As Nicole brought it to her neck, she asked, 'Could this have any side-effects?'

'Not really...oh, it might turn your periods blue.'

'Um.' Tille blushed slightly. 'All right.'

There was a hiss as the hypo unloaded itself into Tille's body. 'How long before it works?'

'Oh, you probably wouldn't notice anything until your next cycle.'

'Nicole...! I meant my memory.'

'That should start to happen right away.'

Tille shook her head. 'Nothing new.'

Graham sighed. 'Back to the drawing board.'

The room shook violently. Graham grabbed a nurse to keep stable. 'Back to the bridge, I think,' said Tille. 'Let's go.'

'Warning shot!' said Carmen. 'Shields at 90%. You know, we could really use someone at tactical!'

'You know anyone who can do it?' asked Euan.

'Don't be stupid, I don't even know anyone.'

Tille and Ruth rushed out of the turbolift. 'Could Graham help?' Ratbat asked them.

'I've read his service record,' said Carmen. 'I don't think he could help unless there were some STIs you didn't have.'

Ruth grabbed the tactical console. 'We're being hailed.'

'Onscreen,' said Ratbat.

'Radio silence,' Tille reminded them.

Euan thought about it. 'Onscreen.'

The viewer switched from the Blues Brothers screensaver to show a Vulcanoid woman wearing a bulky grey uniform and a stern expression. 'This is the Imperial Romulan Warbird Narendra,' she said. 'I am Centurion Borek.'

'I am Captain Evan--'

'Euan,' hissed Ratbat.

'Captain Euan Bowen of the stars--'

'Starship Compromise,' said Borek flatly. 'We know who you are. What we want to know is what you're doing in the Neutral Zone. We'd hate to think Starfleet was violating a treaty.'

'Oh no!' said Euan. 'No problem there.' He snatched a glance at Suzy.

Suzy didn't turn from the library station. 'I'm looking! I'm looking!'

Euan smiled at Borek. 'Could we have a moment, please?'

Borek rolled her eyes, apparently wondering how their two worlds had ever fought to a standstill. The screen went blank.

'We've got to keep going,' said Ruth. 'If those Romulans are between us and where we want to go, then too bad.'

'It's not just those Romulans,' Suzy announced. 'In fact, there are heaps of Romulans between us and where we want to go.'

'There are?' asked Tille.

'Hai. That "Neutral Zone" is a no-man's-land between our space and theirs. We're not allowed to go into or through it, and neither are they. We're not at war, but we're not exactly best buds, either. Our rendezvous is right in Romulan territory.'

'Funny,' said Leila. 'Why would Starfleet set up a rendezvous point that they're not allowed to get to?'

Sam shrugged. 'You know what the military can be like.'

Euan pondered. 'Do we really think we're a military organisation, though? It's true, we have uniforms, but--'

Tille coughed. 'Captain? The Narendra.'

Euan threw up his hands. 'We'd better keep going. We'll just have to...to get around the Romulans somehow.'

'Do you really think you can do that, Captain?' said Borek's voice.

'You what?' said Ratbat.

'You only turned your picture off; I can still hear everything you're saying.'

The crew looked at each other, then back to the tactical station.

'I've been distracted lately,' Ruth said sheepishly.

Ratbat sighed. 'Bring her back.'

The Romulan filled the viewer once more. 'How amusing,' she said. 'I don't know if you're just very incompetent, or this is more of that ever-famous Starfleet trickery.'

'I think that one's rhetorical,' said Leila.

'Luckily - because it would be incredibly boring - it's not up to me to find that out. I'll give you one chance to turn around and go back where you came from. Just in case you are very incompetent.'

'Will you,' said Carmen, folding her arms. 'What if we were to point out that you're obviously in the Neutral Zone too, so violating just as much of the treaty as we are?' She stuck her tongue out at the screen.

Borek glared at her. 'We're not,' she snapped. 'You're in the Neutral Zone, we're in Romulan space like we're supposed to be!'

Sam checked his console. 'Well, hey, how about that...'

Euan stood up. 'We're not going anywhere.'

'You plan to float around in the Neutral Zone all day?'

Euan cursed to himself. 'I mean, we're staying on course.'

Ratbat covered her eyes with one hand. 'You know, you're doing that thing again. We really don't like it when you do that thing.'

'Then I hope you're ready to explain yourselves to your government. And I hope that your government is ready to explain themselves to ours.'

'Look,' said Euan, 'just because--'

'What was that?!' Borek barked suddenly. She had held herself steady as the Narendra had shaken.

'What was...?'

'They're firing on us, sir!' said a voice elsewhere on the Narendra's bridge. Then the screen went dead.

'Incoming...' said Ruth. Then bucked with everyone else as the ship shuddered.

'Return fire!' said Euan. 'What just...?'

'Shields to eighty per cent,' said Carmen.

'Firing torpedoes!' said Ruth.

'Evasive manoeuvres!' said Sam.

Flopped back into his chair, Euan watched as a Romulan torpedo disappeared on a trajectory that would have missed the Compromise by that much, while their own torpedoes both slammed into the other vessel.

'Direct hit,' Ruth said. 'Weapons array. Power relays.'

'They're crippled!' screeched Tille. 'We've got to--'

'...go,' Carmen and Ratbat finished for her.

They jolted back slightly as Sam took the ship to warp and sped it out of there. 'Warp seven and holding,' said Sam. 'The Narendra isn't following.'

'We took out their propulsion,' said Ruth. 'Or someone did. I sure as hell didn't press any buttons.'

'Good,' said Euan. 'I think.' He looked around. 'Number One, Number Two, Number Three - can I see you in my ready room?'

Ratbat shrugged. 'I should think so, the lights look OK.' She saw people walking to Euan's office. 'Oh, right...'

Suzy was mildly surprised to walk into her quarters and find a woman on her bed. On the other hand, that was twice she'd been in the room (that she knew of) and twice there'd been a woman there waiting for her. Maybe she had a regular delivery.

'Wait a minute...you're the chick from the bar.'

Niki scowled back at her. In later times, Suzy really would wonder why she'd thought 'the chick from the bar' was the best way to address someone you were supposedly married to.

'Yes,' said the noirette, standing up. 'The woman from the bar.' She held her own hand and grabbed Suzy's to put against it. 'The one with similar taste to you in jewellery.'

'Well, what do you expect? We're married, aren't we?'

Niki folded her arms. 'So that's important to you, is it?'

'Huh? Of course it is! Now that--'

'Then if our marriage is so important to you, how do you explain that...that...piece you were with earlier?'

'Come on! She's my assistant!'

'Yeah, good thing people nev--'

'Never mind. She said that too.'

'Oh.' Niki frowned. 'I heard why you two thought you were married, too.'

'Exactly. Waking up like that, what were we supposed to think?'

'You?' Niki held the sides of her head. 'What am I supposed to think? That this ship's so hard-up that the diplomatic officer has to pull double-duty as the bra inspector?!'[4]

Suzy sighed deeply. 'Niki...Niki-chan...I never wanted you to find out like--'

'Of course you didn't! Hello! Welcome to fucking Having An Affair 101! Your wife isn't supposed to find out!'

'Really aware of that now,' muttered Suzy.

'What?'

'Nothing. Listen...Niki...I don't know what's going on.' She took Niki's hands in her own. 'I mean, if I did anything, I'm sorry. But...it's in the past, now. Can't we put it behind us?'

Niki shook off Suzy's hands. 'How can you ask me that? She might just be the latest in a huge line of "assistants" you've had. You might have had everyone on the whole ship "assisting" you in all kinds of positions behind my back for all I know!'

'Do you want me to say that I have? Or I haven't? How the hell can you even ask me that at a time like this?'

Niki stopped and glared at her. 'I shouldn't even have to ask,' she said coldly. 'You know, I just don't think I know you anymore.' On that, she stormed out.

Suzy called after her. 'Of course you don't! None of us...' She sighed. 'Never mind.' She closed the door and slumped against it. 'Fucking hell. Women.'

'How did we do that?' Euan threw down his hands. 'Did the ship fire by itself?' He turned to Ratbat. 'Commander? You couldn't have done it by accident?'

'Hey!'

'But?'

'No.'

Carmen folded her arms. 'Captain, we have been sabotaged!'

'I like the "sabotage" theory better than I like the "first officer sucks" theory.'

Euan nodded. 'But who?'

'Me,' said Tille softly. She burned under six eyes as they turned to her.

After a moment, Euan cleared his throat as officially as possible. 'Commander Cotcheck? Could I ask...?'

Tille panted a bit. This obviously wasn't easy for her to talk about. 'I didn't mean...I mean, I didn't want to just fire on them like that...but...the Centurion said she was going to contact the government! That would risk the whole mission!'

Carmen shrugged. 'That's true,' she admitted. 'Now they're probably more worried about getting their ship going again.'

'Nonetheless,' said Euan. 'I'll let it slide for now, Tille, but there's no excuse for what you did. We can't just have people firing torpedoes whenever they want.'

Tille seemed mollified. 'I'm...sorry, Captain. I panicked.'

'Eh, we were starin' down the business end of a Romulan Warbird,' said Ratbat. Who wouldn't panic?'

'We shouldn't,' said Euan. 'We're Starfleet officers.'

'Then bring on the non-coms,' said Ratbat.

'Last time we checked, there weren't any more ships for light-years around between us and our target,' said Carmen. 'So how about we try to just keep our nose down, meet the Cotiflan whoever, and then we can all get out of here.'

'Maybe we aren't going very far into Romulan space,' offered Tille.

'Maybe we could at least find a way around it, though? Keep on our side until we absolutely have to cross the Neutral Zone.'

'Just because some Romulans shot at us?' said Euan.

'Just because some Romulans shot at us,' said Carmen. 'After we shot at them.'

'I said I was sorry.'

'I'm not sure I like that idea,' said Euan. 'There might be a good reason our orders are what they are. Not that we know.'

'I've got a better idea,' said Ratbat. 'We keep on our side and we stay there.'

'Hide from the Romulans? I'm not going to hide from a bunch of stupid-looking green ships that are only armed with photon torpedoes!'

'Captain...' said Carmen. 'I'm going to have to talk to you soon about your scale for "only".'

'This time we have been pushed too far! We keep retreating, and retreating and retreating, and I for one am sick of it! We have to stand up to them and say "This far, and no further!"'

Ratbat sighed. 'Yes, and after they've shot us out of the sky they'll say to our smouldering remains, "Fair enough, your choice". Great victory for democracy, that.'

Euan sat and fumed at her. 'Somehow I don't think you're treating this situation with the seriousness it deserves, Sigma.'

'Well, duh. I'm the funny one.'

Euan thought for a moment. 'All right,' he said. 'Here's a happy medium. We'll keep going, but we'll talk to our superiors. Just one message. If they say to keep going, then we'll keep going.' He looked at the others. 'Can you live with that?'

'Depends on if any more Romulans shoot us,' said Carmen. 'But that seems fair.'

Ratbat nodded. 'The master strategist in me still wants to run and hide, but I'll go with that.'

'I guess...' said Tille nervously. 'I mean, you're the captain (apparently), but isn't it a bit of a risk?'

Euan tugged his uniform into place. 'We knew the risks when we joined Starfleet.' He paused. 'I hope we did, anyway.'

Carmen looked at the clock. 'The shift's about to end. I'll go get ahold of Nick and see if we can phone home without the Romulans in their stupid-looking green ships noticing.'

Euan nodded. 'Good. Number Three, take the bridge for the changeover. And Commander Sigma...'

'...I know, I know. Go down to 10-Foreplay and drink heavily. I'm on it.'

Ruth and Sam left the turbolift, dizzier than the journey should have left them. In no small part due to sharing what they'd found left on the bridge.

'You know that drink bottle Ratti brought back from 10-Foreplay?' Sam said woozily. 'I don't think that was just water.'

'You think?' said Ruth, keeping an eye on the rows of doors they passed to make progress that much easier.

They continued bantering and giggling on and off until they settled on a door. 'This would be my quarters,' said Ruth, poking the door.

'Really?' said Sam. 'I was thinking about going through that door myself.'

'You were?' wondered Ruth. 'Why?'

Sam raised an eyebrow at her. He tried to, anyway, but it got a bit difficult, so he just winked instead. 'Maybe I read my room number wrong.'

Ruth stared blankly at him. 'Really wrong. A 6 doesn't look anything like a 23.'

Sam gave a small vodka-laced sigh and turned his face back to normal. 'Ruth, can I go into your quarters with you so we can have sex?'

'Ah!' Ruth clicked. She shrugged. 'Yeah, OK.'

'Niki?'

Niki whirled around. 'No, I will not sleep with you!' she snapped.

Alira froze and stared at her. 'Huh?'

'Oh, it's you.'

'Have people been cracking onto you all evening?'

Niki sighed and shook her head. 'No. Might've been a bit flattering if they had, though.'

'Uh...right.' Alira sat on the barstool next to her.

Niki didn't shoot her a look. Very specifically didn't. 'What makes you think I'll even talk to you?'

'You already have; you told me you wouldn't sleep with me.'

'Yeah, well, I'm not Suzy.' Niki pushed her glass back across the bar. 'Bloody Mary,' she told Emma the Klingon.

Emma growled and grinned as she took the glass. 'Ah, yes. A warrior's brew. It is said that the first Bloody Marys were boiled with the--'

'Just get it, will you?' Niki turned back to Alira. 'Seriously, do you know how lucky you are that right now you're sitting there and still have both your eyes?'

'I can see you're not in a talking mood,' concluded Alira. 'But...I don't know what happened before between me and Suzy. Or Suzy and you. But it's over now. I swear. I can see how much you two mean to each other, and I...I can't come between that!'

'You can make a fucking good try, though.'

'OK, OK. Point taken. But I still feel terrible. Yes, yes...I know. You're not in the mood to hear it now. But I think you should.'

Niki stared at her. 'What are you talking about?'

'Your quarters. Tomorrow morning. Eleven. If you don't want to hear any more, then fine. You can ditch who you like and marry a toaster for all I care.'

Niki's hackles were raised, but she held herself in. And if she agreed to the little tart's suggestion then she might go away before Niki did something that would get her locked in the brig. 'All right,' she said heavily. 'Eleven o'clock tomorrow. But it had better be good.'

Alira nodded and Niki watched as she walked off. Worse still, she could see what had turned Suzy's head in the first place. Apart from Suzy being an unfaithful cow, of course.

'Wench.'

Lieutenant Akhurst yawned as he came into engineering. By the time he'd finally sorted out where his quarters were, not to mention any other amount of fussing around, it had almost been time for his shift to start again. Being too tired to spring straight into action, he'd checked with his head of department (himself), who had graciously agreed that he could sleep in and be an hour or two late. Nick had been quite grateful and intended to give himself a glowing review on his next management evaluation.

He nearly tripped over his assistant chief as she worked on the bottom of...well, some technical thing or another. 'Oh. Hey, Nick!'

'Di.' Nick helped the other engineer to her feet. 'How did you go with the communications?'

'You mean can we call Starfleet without the Romulans listening in? Uh...no.'

'You sure?'

'Really sure. I found the subspace communications array down in jeffries tube 47Z under deck 7...'

'Uh-huh.'

'Only that's not where it's supposed to be. There were also some bits in cargo bay 1, behind the weapons array, up the--'

Nick nodded. 'I get the idea. Shit. More sabotage! Fuck! Can we fix it?'

Di shrugged. 'Yeah, but it'll take a really long time. It won't be any help to us now.'

'Man, I knew I should have stayed in bed.'

'There are probably pieces under your bed, too.'

'Thanks, engineering,' said Euan. 'Bridge out. I take it you all heard that?'

Leila thought about it. 'I guess whoever wiped our memories also broke the radio.'

'Maybe Starfleet did it to stop us calling anyone,' said Graham.

'Aw!' said Ratbat. 'They don't trust us!'

'Imagine that,' Carmen said dryly.

'I'm thinkin' we've passed the point of no return anyway,' said Ratbat.

Tille nodded. 'We'll be at the rendezvous point in forty-seven minutes.' She looked back. 'I don't want to increase speed. The more warp energy we pump out, the more likely another Warbird will find us.'

'We're lucky we're right at the edge of Romulan territory,' said Carmen.

Euan nodded. 'Hold on...why is Tille driving? Why is Carmen telling me where we shouldn't go? Where are Sam and Ruth?'

Leila smiled knowingly. 'Well...they're both young, attractive people. I think I know where I might be if I were them...if you know what I mean.'

Euan shook his head. 'I really doubt they're raiding their secret chocolate stash.'

Sam emerged from the bathroom, fastening his uniform. 'So...' he said. 'How do you think it works around here?'

Ruth looked up from the desk terminal. 'I'm sorry?'

'Do you think one of us is all cold and businesslike while the other gets all torn up by it? Or are we both, "That was fun, but it never happened"?'

Ruth smiled. 'Hard to say. For all we know, we're the only people who have ever...done that on this ship.'

Sam nodded. 'Oh. I just wanted to say, though, about last night: when we started out. I'm...well, I'm really sorry about that.'

'What? Oh, look, don't worry about it. These things happen.'

'But, look, I am sorry. That's never happened to me before.'

Ruth turned all the way round. 'Seriously, don't worry about it. It could happen to anyone.'

'Oh. If you're sure. But...why do you have all those weapons on your hope chest, anyway?'

'No idea...but really, I could just as easily have knocked them all over myself.'

Sam nodded. 'What are you reading there?'

Ruth turned back to the terminal. 'Old mission logs,' she said. 'At least that's what I think they are. I must have left them open before our memories were rubbed out, so I didn't need to try to remember a password.'

'Anything interesting?'

'Mostly descriptions, a few pictures. Nothing that starts off "so we knew that if we ever lost our memories again all we'd have to do".' She laughed.

Sam laughed also. 'Doesn't say anything about anyone doing it before, huh?'

Ruth shook her head. 'Somehow I don't think these are my own personal sex logs.'

Sam pointed at the screen. 'Hey, a picture of Tille. Maybe you did it with her.'

'Ha ha. She probably commanded a mission or something.'

They read a bit further, and some truths made themselves known once more.

Sam breathed a small intake. 'Or not,' he said simply.

Niki stormed into her quarters. She'd spent the night in what were apparently her former quarters, unable to face even sharing a room with her other half. 'All right,' she said. 'Let's have this out, then...' She trailed off. 'You?'

'You?' said Suzy, equally confused. 'You're not Alira.' Yeah, she thought. I should learn to stop talking one sentence early.

Niki held up a couple of fingers. 'That's so fucking the point.'

'No! Alira told me to come here now because we were going to sort this whole mess out.'

'Yeah?' spat back Niki. 'Well, that's what she told me, too.' She paused and thought back. 'Oh.'

'What--' There was a click as the door shut and locked behind Niki. 'What the fuck's going on?'

'Hi, guys,' said Alira's voice from the internal comms network.

'Why aren't you in here with me?' asked Suzy.

'Because that's really all part of the problem, isn't it? You want to know the truth of it? I think you two still have really strong feelings for each other.'

'I'll say,' griped Niki, choosing to misinterpret the sentence.

'I don't really know what happened before. But I'm so sorry that I ever came between you. The two of you really do belong together. You should stay together. I don't want to be a part of anything that stops that happening.'

'You cleaning your conscience all right, there? Must be nice to have your cake and eat it out too.'

'Wasn't my cake to have,' she said, and the speakers went dead.

Suzy went to the door. 'It really is locked,' she said. 'How did she do that?'

'Wouldn't your code open it?'

'Yeah, but do you know my code?'

'Point.'

Suzy stepped back from the door. 'What off Earth is she playing at?'

Niki fumed and sat on the bed. 'I think the idea is that we're locked in here and we talk this thing out.'

'Feh. A cliché and a classic.'

'Yeah, but don't think that...huh?'

'Nani?'

'Do you smell something?'

'Wakaranai...I dunno...but I feel kinda...'

'Yeah.' Niki shook her head. 'Where were we again?'

Alira reviewed what she'd done. Sweet-talking her way into environmental control had been easy.[5] Getting the right balance of things in the air, though... A hint of pheromone, a dash of anaesthezine, some good old-fashioned aphrodisiac...

Just a bit of a tweak to the room's environment, of course. She didn't want to badly mess with anyone's head,[6] just the atmosphere. Just to nudge them from the starting block, you might say. Get them talking a bit. And maybe to...well, to put them in touch with their feelings. And each other's.

And, most importantly, to get them out of her hair. She was the cutest person on the whole ship, and Suzy thought she was going to have her all. Honestly, some people...

Nick pointed at the viewer. 'That must be it.'

What 'it' was was a huge object - the bridge crew couldn't rightly tell if it was a facility or an actual craft - hanging in space, made of dull purple metal and with a bay in front easily large enough to contain the Compromise. What 'it' must have been was, of course, the Cotiflan rendezvous.

'It's certainly big, metallic and purple,' said Ratbat.

'Hail them?' Euan asked.

'How about an automatic docking signal?' said Nick.

'Not very friendly,' said Carmen. 'Last chance to piss ourselves, pretend this never happened and go home.'

Euan shook his head. 'We're Starfleet officers.'

Tille nodded. 'Let's just hope that means what we think it means.'

'Take her in.'

'Aye, sir.'

The Compromise slowed right down and headed for the entry on the front of the Cotiflan edifice.

'With all the trouble we're going to,' said Leila, 'you'd think that at least--'

She was cut off as the turbolift flicked open and Ruth charged onto the bridge, phaser drawn, and followed by Sam and her assistant chief.

'Ruth!' began Euan. 'Lieutenant Crabb! Where have you been?'

Ruth didn't pay much attention, she just went straight to the conn seat and pointed her weapon at Tille. 'You're under arrest!'

Tille looked around. 'I don't understand...'

'Drop it,' said Ruth.

Euan stood up. 'Lieutenant, feel free to explain yourself...'

'That's not Third Officer Tille Cotcheck,' said Sam. 'In fact, most likely there's no third officer and no Tille Cotcheck!'

Leila looked at Ruth's victim. 'Then that would be...?'

'One of the bad guys,' said Ruth. 'She's not anyone's third officer, she's just a villain. And her name's not Tille Cotcheck...'

Tille's expression hardened and she finished Ruth's thought. '...it's Chick Collette.'

Euan moved towards Chick, Ruth and Lieutenant Leuning. 'What are you saying?'

'We found some files that were still open,' said Sam. 'Not only is she really out for personal gain...'

'Exactly,' smiled Chick.

'...but she seems to hate our guts for some reason, too.'

'Well, wouldn't you?' sneered Chick. 'I've got plenty of time for hate. I certainly never got a chance at love.' She glared at those around her, and was rewarded with blank stares. She sighed. 'All right, that one would have hurt a lot more if you still had your memories.'

'But we don't,' said Nick. 'Should've saved yourself the bother.'

'Besides, when you're not stopping me from having the only person I could ever love,' she shot a look at Ratbat, then blinked herself back, 'you're screwing up every other damn thing I try to do.'

Carmen sighed. 'Why do I get the feeling these things mostly involve major crimes or trying to take things over?'

'Up yours, Evil Bunny.'

'What's an Evil Bunny?'

'That doesn't matter,' said Nic Leuning. 'The game's up. We know who you are now.'

Chick shrugged. 'That doesn't matter.' She looked at the viewer, and saw the docking bay lock behind the Compromise. 'I've already won.'

Above the Compromise - way above the Compromise, that is; there really isn't any 'up' in space, and nor is there in pandimensional contemplation, but sometimes the instincts just fill it in for you - someone took a passing glance at the affairs of the pink starship. Something about it caught whatever their equivalent to an eye was, because they found themselves looking that way again in fairly short order.

No, something really wasn't right at all.

Below the Compromise - literally below the Compromise, because even the largest of docking bays have a top and a bottom - five figures looked up at the starship. To the casual observer they appeared mechanical, and that casual observer would have been spot on.

'USS Compromise, NC-2604-Z,' the smallest of the five read. 'Yep, that's them all right.'

'Good,' nodded the largest. 'Then our contact will be aboard. Signal her.'

'How did you wipe our memories?' demanded Ruth.

Chick just sighed and crossed her legs. 'I wish I could take the credit there. But I had help.'

'More bad guys?' asked Leila.

'No, not really. Good guys, I suppose. Anthropologists. They study a culture by taking...ah, there it is.' She'd been interrupted by her comm badge chirping. 'Collette here.'

'Oh, good,' said a snide-sounding voice. 'Are you ready to make the transfer?'

'Yeah. If you want a taste, I've got some of the senior staff right around me.'

'Whoa!' realised Carmen. 'Shields--'

And they disappeared in a rush of pink energy.

'...up,' concluded Carmen as they materialised a few decametres below the Compromise.

Euan looked up at the five mechanical beings. They weren't identical, not even in colour, and seemed to have various vehicle motifs grafted onto their bodies. The one thing they really had in common - apart from being a good four or five metres tall - was an angular purple insignia somewhere on their forms.

'Robot anthropologists?' said Euan.

'Anthro-what?' said the smaller, yellow and purple robot.

'These aren't them. The anthropologists were just a means to an end. Everyone's got a price.'

'Including you guys,' the robot said. 'On your heads.'

'I imagine you don't remember the Decepticons,' said Chick. 'A few years ago, the crew of that garish object you call a starship cost them a very important victory.'

'Then these are Decepticons,' said Carmen.

'They're very big,' said Ratbat helpfully.

'Actually,' the yellow robot continued. 'We're the Combaticons.'

'Swindle,' Chick pointed at the robot, 'Blast Off, Brawl, Vortex and squad leader Onslaught.'

'We're Combaticons, but Decepticons all the same,' said Onslaught. He didn't even sound as friendly as Swindle. 'Our leader most unhappy about a group of humans costing him his victory.'

'But what did I tell him?' said Swindle. 'Why spend all this time looking for a Starfleet ship when we can just motivate others to do it for us?

'For money, of course, not love,' Chick said.

'A human after my own fuel pump,' Swindle sighed.

Chick smiled to herself. 'This fixes my own standing with the Decepticon High Command, the anthropologists get a crack at the Federation's Starfleet, I get paid, the Decepticons take you away to do God-knows-what with you...and that all suits me just fine. I love a deal where everyone wins.' She finally left Ruth and Nic's phaser-point and walked over to the Combaticons. 'Except you guys, of course, but then...' She shrugged. 'I don't care.'

Ruth and Nic snapped their phasers around to the robots. 'We're still armed, you know,' said Ruth.

'Brawl!' snapped Onslaught. Immediately, the green Combaticon twisted around, shifting and folding his body to transform it into the shape of a tank. 'So are we,' he told Ruth.

Ruth nonetheless kept her phaser pointed at Brawl, but the fight really went out of Nic at that moment and she opted for the 'limply dropping her weapon' manoeuvre.

Swindle looked at Chick. 'So, do you prefer latinum or energon?'

'Don't like the exchange rate on energon.'

{{And we don't like this at all,}} said a voice.

All heads - be they metal or flesh and blood - turned to the face the sound. It wasn't really a voice. Not a voice. Almost like two voices or more, talking in perfect unison.

The shape that drew into existence was as much of a paradox. At first it seemed to be a woman, stern and commanding. Then it seemed just as much to be a man, as different from the woman in description and complexion as he was in gender. Yet somehow they were still the same - much like fabric that could be one colour when viewed from one angle, and another when seen from a different place. She seemed to...not to glow, just to be possessed of her own personal source of light.

Nick looked at the reactions around him. 'So...nobody knows about this one, then.'

{{You do.}} The figure pointed at Chick. {{She told you we were anthropologists. She's right in that.}}

'She also told us you took our memories away,' said Ruth.

The Anthropologist nodded. {{And she was telling the truth. But I'm beginning to understand that that's rare for her. Yes, we study other cultures...and other planes, such as yours.}}

'Pandimensional beings,' said Ksenia.

{{As good a term as any.}} He smiled at Ksenia. {{Because of the way we do these studies, yes, memories are taken. Usually one of our team is left behind, disguised, to keep an eye on the subjects while this happens. They pose as simply another individual with amnesia, but the whole time they're on alert, making sure no-one comes to any harm.}}

'This is no harm?' spluttered Carmen.

The Anthropologist shook his head. {{No,}} she said. {{We might be from another plane, we might be strange or even frightening to you[7]...but we're still people. And we have our less-than-stellar members of society. Ms Collette here managed to contact one of them. She offered him the esteem that would come from our first formal study of a Starfleet ship. In return...}} The Anthropologist waved a hand, encompassing the scene around her.

Ratbat snapped her fingers. 'Chick gets to be the unfamiliar face, and everyone looks the other way while she pinches the Compromise.'

Chick's head snapped around to Onslaught. 'He's lying,' she said quickly.

Onslaught didn't seem interested either way. 'What you or anyone else did to get the Compromise here is your own concern. But I don't like this newcomer. Brawl, kill it.'

Brawl obliged with a crump of his gun turret. The Compromise crew stood aghast, but the shell simply passed through the Anthropologist, clattering to the floor before shattering into dust. The Anthropologist simply smiled and wagged a finger at him. {{Sorry. We don't quite use physics that you'd know.}}

'Were you planning to give these memories back any time soon?' griped Leila.

The Anthropologist put a hand to his mouth. {{Oh! Of course.}} A white light came forth from around the Anthropologist, shining on the crewmembers in the docking bay, and far above to the Compromise itself. {{We've completed our study.}} She turned to Chick. {{And our investigation. Your 'friend' has been arrested.}}

Nick was the first to shake his head in recovery once the light faded. 'Fuck,' he said. 'You don't miss 'em till they're gone, do ya?'

'Will you arrest Chick too?'

The Anthropologist shook her head. {{We don't have jurisdiction on this plane.}}

Onslaught stamped his foot, the huge metal-on-metal sound echoing through the room. 'Enough of this! Megatron has paid well for the capture of these fleshlings, and doesn't care whose memories they might have! Vortex, Blast Off - secure the Federation vessel!'

The grey and white robots transformed into airborne vehicles and started towards the ship.

'Ah no you don't,' said Carmen, tapping her badge. 'Schwinghamer from King: Noomy, beam up all the humans down here.'

'Slag!' swore Swindle as the blue shimmer enveloped the crew.

The rumble of weapons fire rocked the bridge as the crew returned to it. Sam was thrown against his chair, and then to the ground.

Euan ran to his aid. 'Oh no! George! Are you all right?'

'Did you always get people's names wrong this badly?' said Ratbat.

'Uh, it takes a while to wear off,' said Euan.

'I'm fine,' said Sam, clambering back to his chair. Actually, he wasn't. He didn't consider pushing away the after-effects of amnesia while being on the run and under attack 'fine', and he didn't often feel very confident on a first date, but he decided to answer in the short term.

Ruth jogged back to her station. 'Leuning, take Chick to the brig.' The ship rocked again. 'Those guys are smaller than us, but they're well armed.' Ruth's brow crinkled. 'And I'm not sure Chick didn't do something to the shields.'

'We may die, but we will die heroes!' said Euan.

'Speak for yourself,' retorted Ratbat. 'Evacuate!'

'Your blaze of glory will have to wait,' Ruth said flatly. 'They're not that well-armed.'

Carmen patted Euan's arm. 'Never mind,' she said. 'It sounded good anyway.'

The moment was ruined by the sound of more fire. Ratbat spoke up. 'But what do you say we keep taking advantage of the confusion anyway, eh?'

Euan sat back in his chair. 'No problem here. Sam, 180 mark 0.'

'Ruth,' chimed in Ratbat. 'Everything ye've got to the forward shields.'

Carmen grinned. 'Oh, I like this part.'

From the outside, the purple Decepticon facility simply floated there. It was too far from any popular space lanes to attract any attention, and it was remarkably quiet for something constructed by so military a culture.

Until, that was, the USS Compromise exploded its way out of its locked docking bay and streaked hell-for-leather towards Federation space.

Ruth looked carefully at her display for a few moments, then shook her head. 'Nope,' she said. 'Nothing. The Decepticons aren't following.' She sighed. 'Pity. I could use a few more trophies.'

Euan sighed a different kind of sigh and leaned back. 'Good,' he said. 'Mr Ogborn, keep us on track for the Neutral Zone, maximum warp.'

'I hope that Anthropologist got out all right,' mused Ratbat.

'After what he did to us?' said Sam.

'Yeah, it wasn't really him, that was Chick, and, y'know, they try to keep everyone safe... safe...anyway, leaving him to the Combaticons?'

''spose,' said Sam.

'Don't worry,' said Ksenia. 'She can handle herself across more dimensions than they can. I wouldn't worry about her.'

In a metal purple construction some distance behind the Compromise, a group of beings looked at each other.

'I seem to be having some kind of trouble with my data tracks,' said the yellow one as he looked blankly at the others.

'Data tracks?' said the big green one. 'Yes...yes, we're robots, aren't we? But...I don't remember you.'

'That's OK. I don't remember you either.' Everyone exchanged similarly blank looks.[8]

The sixth robot in line spoke up. 'I don't think any of us do,' she said. 'What could have happened to our memories?'

Back on board the Compromise, in a half-moved-into set of living quarters somewhere on deck 10, two people lay sprawled on a bed, naked and exhausted.[9]

'Whoa,' puffed Niki. 'That's a hell of a way to get your memory back.'

Suzy managed a laugh and put a hand on her chest, not that she needed to to feel her heartbeat. 'If that's the case, then most of the crew should remember everything by...well, Friday afternoon at the latest.'

'Something probably happened upstairs,' said Niki. She grinned. 'Of course, there was enough happening downstairs. I don't think we've missed out.'

'Heh.'

'Listen...I'm sorry about before...'

'Feh. Don't worry about it. Ironically, I didn't sleep with Alira anyway.'

'Oh?'

'Nuh.' Suzy got into a sitting position. 'I tell ya what, though. Not only did she sneakily smooth over one hell of an argument, she ended up letting us have probably the best sex we've had in...ja, quite a while.' Suzy smiled to herself. 'I think she's gonna make an excellent assistant.'

Ratbat and Ruth approached Chick's cell in the brig.

'You know something, Sigma?' said Chick. 'If only you'd turn and join forces with me, our aims would be fulfilled so much sooner.'

'Your aim is that you hate me,' said Ratbat.

'Oh yeah.' Chick scowled. 'I really need to co-ordinate my motives. So what now? Going to toss me into the nearest star, or is Bubba going to beam in here and I spend the next ten-stretch protecting my virtue?'

'Your virtue took a bullet ages ago,' said Ruth. 'Don't worry. We've got plans for you.'

'Thank you, engineering. Borek out.' The centurion turned back to her bridge crew. 'At least we could go after that Starfleet eyesore,' she said, 'if we knew where it was or could do anything to it once we found it. Tactical,' she said. 'How are our weapons?'

'Still offline, sir,' she said. 'But the Compromise is back.'

'Where?'

'They're not on an intercept course. They'll head straight past us. And...no, this is strange. Sir.'

'What is it, Tiffany?'

The tactical officer stared for a moment. 'They're signalling us. Text only, something about their communication array being damaged.'

'Remind me to send them a card,' said Borek dryly. 'Strapped to a nuclear warhead.'

Tactical smirked back, then continued. 'Their ship was hijacked and the crew's minds altered.'

Romulans had a reputation for closed-mindedness, but it was undeserved. Besides, you didn't get to command your own Warbird by being stupid. 'It's not impossible,' Borek said. 'But they can't expect us to just take their word for it. Even if we can't attack them, we'll still report this.'

'There's more.'

'There is?'

'They're going to beam something over that'll explain everything.'

'What?' Borek's head snapped up. 'That could mean anything! Do we have shields?'

The point became moot as a whine permeated the air, and blue sparkles heralded something materialising in the middle of the bridge.

Un-bracing herself from an explosion that didn't happen, Borek moved closer. It was a human, slumped on the floor and tied up. Her tactical officer rolled the woman over for a better look at her face.

'Hello, stranger,' she said.

Borek nodded. 'I know that face.' She stooped down to address the gagged woman. 'Aren't you on the Tal'Shiar's most wanted list?'

'Chick Collette,' nodded the tactical officer as Chick glared back. 'She had a bit of a falling-out with them a few years ago. I was there.' She checked herself. 'Not that I saw or heard anything, of course.'

Borek stood up and motioned for Chick to be taken away. 'Of course not. But I think our secret police will be very grateful if we were to let them know. No doubt they'd like to have a word with her.'

Commander Daria 'Ratbat' Sigma

Ensign Niki O'brien