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SEASON ONE EPISODE FIVE |
THE SORCERER'S CHAINSAW | |
(Bunniquette is sitting behind her news desk, in the UBF Sea Kidney's authentic news studio, wearing her glasses) | |
BUNNIQUETTE: | Welcome to Sea Kidney News. In tonight's bulletin: in a shocking plot twist, Lieutenant Commander Hoppy Lashes and her new boyfriend Commander Laff, have eloped together and left the crew of the UBF Sea Kidney. Their current whereabouts is unknown. |
(Cut to the bridge. Fuzzy, Abbie and Gumman) | |
FUZZY: | I can't believe Hoppy and Laff would just leave like that, without even telling us. |
ABBIE: | Well, Hoppy had been... having a rough time, and Laff helped her out. |
GUMMAN: | Slimy alien monster. |
ABBIE: | You're a racist old fool, Willits Gumman. |
GUMMAN: | Well, you're a-- |
FUZZY: | Shut up, both of you. I'm going to talk to Uulamets and Sasha. |
(Cut back to Bunniquette's newsroom) | |
BUNNIQUETTE: | News just in: during a recent stopover on the technologically backward, culturally-bankrupt planet known as Earth, Admiral Fuzzy of the United Bunny Fleet took on two new crew members - the Bunny Sorcerer, Teddy Uulamets, and his daughter, Sasha. |
(Cut to Uulamets' quarters: decorated with occult symbols, jars of funny-smelling concoctions, and Akira posters. Uulamets, Sasha and Fuzzy) | |
FUZZY: | I trust you find your quarters acceptable? |
UULAMETS: | Certainly, Admiral. |
FUZZY: | Just call me Fuzzy. |
UULAMETS: | Fuzzy it is, then. |
FUZZY: | Are you happy with your room, Sasha? |
(Sasha nods; she is a quiet young bunny) | |
FUZZY: | Good. Well, I'd best be off to the Bridge. I virtually have to run the ship single-handedly now that my two best officers have nicked off. Bunniquette and Mal are a big help, but the others know practically nothing about starships. |
UULAMETS: | Nor do my daughter or myself, I am sorry to say. |
FUZZY: | Never mind. You'll more than make up for that with your magical skills. |
(Uulamets coughs nervously and nods. Cut to another section of the UBF Sea Kidney - a replica of a '50s Malt Shoppe. Abbie is sitting on a stool by the counter with a milkshake. She doesn't look very happy. She begins to sing 'Bushrat on Your Shoulder'. When the song reaches the bit where her boyfriend (Westminster) returns, he has a large red bushrat sitting on his shoulder. It looks at Abbie and says 'He's been untrue'. When she sings the 'Then I noticed your was red and mine was baby pink' bit a pink bushrat pops up on her shoulder. Bunniquette enters on the line about Mary Jane. A red bushrat on her shoulder is looking rather embarrassed. After the song, Abbie tips her milkshake over Westminster's head, turns to the camera and says:) | |
ABBIE: | Who needs a marriage counsellor when you've got a carrot milkshake? |
(Cut back to the newsroom) | |
BUNNIQUETTE: | Film at eleven. |
(The bridge. Fuzzy, Gumman, Abbie, Earless, Westminster, Mal, Bullocksnap, Uulamets, Sasha, and the four chainsaws). | |
FUZZY: | No doubt you're wondering why I called you all here today. |
EARLESS: | I'm not. I don't care. |
ABBIE: | Dad! Where are your manners? |
EARLESS: | Under a rock in a San Francisco bus terminal. |
WESTMINSTER: | My father-in-law is a flippin' loony. |
FUZZY: | Well, most of you must be wondering. |
MAL: | Not me. |
GUMMAN: | Can't say I'm desperate to find out. |
FUZZY: | Just shut up and listen. |
ABBIE: | Why did you call us here today? |
EARLESS: | He didn't. We all came down for a coffee break and he happened to find us. |
SASHA: | Have you really been to San Francisco, Mister Cleveland? |
EARLESS: | Of course I have. How do you think I-- |
(Earless's mouth disappears) | |
SASHA: | Father! What have you done? |
UULAMETS: | Fuzzy warned me about Earless Cleveland. Don't worry. The spell will wear off in a few hours. |
(Earless glares at Uulamets furiously) | |
FUZZY: | I told you your magic would come in handy. |
(The piano falls on Earless's head. Everyone looks at Mal) | |
MAL: | Uh-uh! Not my fault! I removed the ceiling-mounted props box. And besides... I'm sure I left the piano on the Nebula. |
(Fuzzy turns to look at Uulamets, who is whistling innocently) | |
FUZZY: | Uulamets, I like your style. |
(Bunniquette enters. She takes off her glasses and puts them in her pocket) | |
BUNNIQUETTE: | I finished up in the newsroom. Anyone for a drink down at the Malt Shoppe? |
WESTMINSTER: | I'll pass. |
ABBIE: | I'm game. I rather like the Malt Shoppe. |
WESTMINSTER: | Is there anything this ship doesn't have? Malt Shoppes, TV news studios, tennis courts, the museum of Porky Pig memorabilia... |
FUZZY: | I never knew there was a museum of Porky Pig memorabilia. |
WESTMINSTER: | Just lucky, I guess. |
BUNNIQUETTE: | Bilskirner class cruisers are amongst the finest ships in the galaxy. We're very fortunate to have this craft. Though it is a shame we lost the old Insectblanket. |
SASHA: | The what? |
FUZZY: | The Insectblanket, the ship I owned before I got this one. |
SASHA: | What happened? |
FUZZY: | She was destroyed when the piano fell out of the box. |
SASHA: | Uh... okay... |
(Cut to Dr Willits Gumman's consulting room. His patient is Sasha) | |
GUMMAN: | So, what seems to be the problem? |
SASHA: | Sadly, I am very much shy. My father suggested I see a doctor. Do you have any anti-shy pills? |
GUMMAN: | No, all my pills are pretty shy. |
SASHA: | Was that a joke? |
GUMMAN: | Yes, but not a very good one. Don't they have jokes where you come from? |
SASHA: | I'm Russian. |
GUMMAN: | Oh. I see. |
(Cut to the Malt Shoppe. Everyone is there. Earless has his mouth back, but is sitting silently by himself, not wanting to upset Uulamets again.) | |
BUNNIQUETTE: | Put another dime in the jukebox, Mal. |
(He does. It begins to play 'It's My Party' as sung by Bunniquette.) | |
CHAINSAW 3: | You're really great, Mister Uulamets. That magic you do is real neat. Do you think you could teach me to do magic? |
UULAMETS: | I'd be delighted. Every wizard yearns to pass his knowledge to another. I'm just so smart that it would be really tragic if I died without making sure that my learnings were not lost. Of course, I've made sure that it will be an obscenely long time before I ever do drop dead... |
CHAINSAW 3: | Uh... so you'll teach me? |
UULAMETS: | Certainly, my boy. |
CHAINSAW 3: | I'm not a boy. |
UULAMETS: | Oh. It's hard to tell with chainsaws. Never mind. I'm a supporter of equal opportunity for chainsaws. You'll not find Teddy Uulamets to be chauvinistic. |
(Abbie and Westminster get up to dance to the music from the jukebox. After a brief hesitation, Bunniquette invites Mal to dance with her. He agrees.) | |
SASHA: | I don't want to sound foolish, Admiral Fuzzy, but what is that thing that they're doing? |
FUZZY: | What? Oh! They're dancing. Don't you know about dancing? |
SASHA: | I'm from Russia. |
FUZZY: | Oh. I see. Well, come on, I'll teach you how. It's easy. |
(Sasha looks towards her father, who nods at her. She gets up and begins to dance with Fuzzy.) | |
BULLOCKSNAP: | He's a good bunny, that Admiral Fuzzy. Heart of gold. As honest as the day is long. She could certainly do worse than him. |
UULAMETS: | Are you suggesting that the two of them-- |
BULLOCKSNAP: | Well, it seems possible... I mean... it's just... uh, where did you say you came from? |
UULAMETS: | Russia. |
BULLOCKSNAP: | Oh. I see. |
(After their little dance, Fuzzy and Sasha sit down again. Sasha is out of breath) | |
FUZZY: | So, do you like dancing? |
SASHA: | Oh, yes! Much! |
GUMMAN: |
|
(self) Looks as though she won't need anti-shy pills after all... | |
(The four chainsaws are talking together.) | |
CHAINSAW 3: | ...and so he said he'd teach me some magic! Cool, eh? |
CHAINSAW 4: | Yeah, real nice. Special effects are all the magic I need. |
CHAINSAW 2: | Being a director, I have no use for anything as mundane as magic. |
CHAINSAW 1: | Don't let them upset you, kid. They're just jealous. |
CHAINSAW 3: | Thanks, Howie. |
(Cut to deep space. An alien spacecraft can be seen. Inside, we find three ugly alien creatures. They are driving the ship. Behind them are Laff and Hoppy, chained together. The two bunnies are whispering.) | |
HOPPY LASHES: | Why did these alien monsters kidnap us? |
LAFF: | To torture us until we tell them everything we know about Protoculture. Obviously. |
HOPPY LASHES: | I beg your pardon? |
LAFF: | Don't worry. It's from an old Earth cartoon. |
HOPPY LASHES: | Oh. Well, I never spent much time on Earth. I was born there, but raised on the UBF colony planet, Nerpalon 12. That's where I met Mal, and where the UBF gave me my ship and asked me to look after Bunniquette. She's secretly an alien princess, you know, but they said I shouldn't tell her. She's happy enough just thinking that she's Mrs O'Bunbun's youngest daughter. |
LAFF: | What was the point of telling me all that? I'm not really fond of Bunniquette. |
HOPPY LASHES: | Well, I've just set up quite a number of possible future sub-plots for the writers. |
LAFF: | I thought the writers of this show disapproved of plots. |
HOPPY LASHES: | One of them. Of course, most of the material is written by Fuzzy himself. |
LAFF: | Although we don't often stick to his stupid 'Star Bunnies' scripts. |
HOPPY LASHES: | You should be nicer to Fuzzy. He's very easily offended. |
LAFF: | Yes. I've noticed. |
ALIEN 1: | What are you whispering about? |
LAFF: | Nothing. Never mind. |
(We cut back to the Sea Kidney. Bunniquette and Mal dance as the credits roll) |