SEASON ONE EPISODE NINE | |
HOW UNCLE EARLESS LOST HIS EARS | |
(Bunniquette and Mal are in the Malt Shoppe. The jukebox is playing 'Will You Love Me Tomorrow'.) | |
MAL: | Thanks for keeping me company, 'Quette. |
BUNNIQUETTE: | No probs, Mal. You know, when we were on the Neb, I thought you were a loser. But when you're away from Hoppy, you're a pretty cool guy. |
MAL: | Thanks. |
(There is a long silence. They sit gazing into each other's eyes.) | |
MAL: | Bunniquette-- |
BUNNIQUETTE: | I know. |
(They kiss. We see Uulamets in the shadows watching. He is very angry. Cut to the tennis courts. Fuzzy has just finished teaching Sasha how to play tennis.) | |
FUZZY: | So, do you like tennis? |
SASHA: | It is not as good as dancing. |
(She looks at him as if expecting him to do something.) | |
FUZZY: | ... |
(He sighs and walks away. She is left alone on the tennis court. She looks very sad. Cut to Gumman's consulting room. His patient is Bunniquette. | |
GUMMAN: | Describe your problem. |
BUNNIQUETTE: | I'm in love. |
GUMMAN: | Oh dear. Would you like me to amputate? |
BUNNIQUETTE: | Don't joke. |
GUMMAN: | Don't joke? Me, not joke? Are you serious? The only reason I was able to land this job was that I was an expert on tea bag diseases! Don't joke? Get real! |
BUNNIQUETTE: | I knew it was a mistake to come here. |
GUMMAN: | You're right. It was. You, Mal and Hoppy should all have stayed on the Nebula. It would have saved us all a lot of trouble. Before you three arrived, this was a third-rate comedy show. You tried to turn it into a serious space opera, and now it's a melodramatic, mega-mushy soap. |
BUNNIQUETTE: | None of the crew get on very well these days, do they? |
(Cut to Abbie's room, where we see her, Westminster, Earless and Bullocksnap) | |
EARLESS: | I don't know what the world's coming to. Fuzzy's in love, Laff eloped with Hoppy, there's a braindead wizard running around causing trouble... |
WESTMINSTER: | We don't do enough comedy any more. If Abbie and I could just do some more 'Bunny Sweethearts' sketches... |
ABBIE: | But we can't go back to Yoople 5. The Insectblanket is still there. |
BULLOCKSNAP: | There must be somewhere on this whopping great ship where we could film a decent comedy piece. |
(Suddenly they hear Fuzzy's voice over a loudspeaker) | |
FUZZY(VO): | All crew report to the Bridge immediately in costume. It's time to shoot the next episode of 'Star Bunnies'. |
WESTMINSTER: | 'Star Bunnies' isn't the only thing I'd like to shoot. |
ABBIE: | Let's just go. |
(The bridge. Fuzzy, Abbie, Bunniquette and Gumman in their 'Star Bunnies' costumes) | |
FUZZY: | Professor Bucketwrapper, do you think the machine will work? |
GUMMAN: | Well, if it doesn't, the whole planet will be destroyed. |
FUZZY: | Miss Ail! Set a course for Lommanon 12! There's no other choice! |
BUNNIQUETTE: | Admiral! I think we're out of chicken stock! |
FUZZY: | Good Lords! Voice-Over Girl, are you sure? |
BUNNIQUETTE: | Yes... I'm afraid so. And it gets worse. |
FUZZY: | How? |
BUNNIQUETTE: | I forgot to preheat the oven for the carrot pie! |
FUZZY: | Aaargh! Nothing can save us now! |
(He waits.) | |
FUZZY: | Ahem. I said 'Nothing can save us now'. That's Sasha's cue. Where is she? |
ABBIE: | I...think she's in her room. She's upset about the way you ignored her after tennis this morning. |
FUZZY: | Ignored her? What? |
ABBIE: | You were supposed to kiss her, Admiral. |
FUZZY: | Oh. |
(Fuzzy leaves. Cut to the corridor outside Sasha's room. The door is closed) | |
FUZZY: | Sasha, may I come in? |
SASHA(OOV): | Why? |
FUZZY: | We need to...talk. |
(Sasha opens the door slowly and lets Fuzzy in.) | |
SASHA: | I'm sorry if I ruined your 'Star Bunnies' show. |
FUZZY: | Don't worry. You're far more important than any silly old TV show. |
SASHA: | Really? |
FUZZY: | Yes. Sasha, I ... I love you. |
SASHA: | Oh, Fuzzy! |
(Fuzzy embraces her. They hug) | |
SASHA: | Aren't you supposed to kiss me now, Fuzzy? |
FUZZY: | Well, apparently, yes. |
(They both look worried for a second. Finally, Fuzzy kisses her. Chainsaws 1 and 2 rush in. They shock the surprised bunnies.) | |
CHAINSAW 2: | Bravo! Great! That's a wrap! |
CHAINSAW 1: | Should we try another take just in case that one doesn't turn out to be as perfect as it looked? |
CHAINSAW 2: | No, no, that one was fine. Good work, Fuzzy. |
FUZZY: | What? What are you doing? Did you just film us kissing? Give me that video tape! Get out of here, you little-- |
CHAINSAW 2: | Jeez! Try to liven up a guy's space opera, and this is how he repays you! |
(The chainsaws nick off in a hurry, leaving Fuzzy the camera and the film) | |
FUZZY: | I'm sorry about that-- |
(Sasha is very happy.) | |
SASHA: | Do not worry. It is not much disturbing to me. I am still being happy from our hug. |
FUZZY: | Uh... okay. |
(Abbie, Bunniquette, Westminster, Mal and Earless are on the Bridge. They are watching Fuzzy and Sasha on a monitor.) | |
ABBIE: | At last! They got it sorted out! |
WESTMINSTER: | I knew Fuzzy wouldn't let her down. |
EARLESS: | I was in love once. |
BUNNIQUETTE: | ...Were you? |
EARLESS: | Of course. |
(The others are about to tell him to shut up, but he looks very sad. Abbie motions for them to let him speak) | |
EARLESS: | How do you think I lost my ears? |
ABBIE: | (quietly) How did you lose your ears, dad? |
EARLESS: | It was about a year after I met your mother, Abbigail. She was so beautiful... just like you. It's a tragic shame she lost her life in that skiing accident all those years ago. |
ABBIE: | Yes... I can hardly remember her at all. |
EARLESS: | Her name was Rebecca. Rebecca Coles-Haemapolis. When we were married, she became Rebecca Coles-Haemapolis-Cleveland. She just like to be called Rebecca Cleveland. |
ABBIE: | That's why my full name is Abbigail Rebecca Coles Haemapolis Cleveland. |
EARLESS: | Yes. She was so beautiful. |
WESTMINSTER: | He already said that. |
(Bunniquette kicks Westminster in the shin. He shuts up.) | |
EARLESS: | 'James,' she used to say to me. 'Go and buy some carrots, James.' She loved carrots. And diced pears. But she hated turnips. |
ABBIE: | Just like me. |
EARLESS: | It was about six months after you were born, Abbie, that we went on a skiing holiday. I warned her about the cybernetic snowman, but she didn't listen. She only wanted to look at it. I told her it was too dangerous, but she... |
ABBIE: | Dad, if it's too painful, you don't have to go on. |
(He doesn't seem to hear her) | |
EARLESS: | I don't know why the owner of the ski lodge had a cybernetic snowman in his hotel anyway. It had big, scary red eyes, and on the end of its right arm it had a very sharp knife. Used for cutting firewood, the guy said. Rebecca just wanted to see it working. The guy turned it on. I immediately saw what was going to happen. Rebecca was killed. I tried to save her, but I was too late. As I tried to save her, my ears were severed. |
WESTMINSTER: | (Whispers, to Abbie) Is that really how it happened, honey? |
ABBIE: | I don't know. I don't think we'll ever know for sure. |
(Earless sighs, and shakes himself out of his depressing mood.) | |
EARLESS: | Enough moaning. Let's go to the Malt Shoppe. The carrot milkshakes are on me! |
WESTMINSTER: | They will be if he tells another ears story. |
(Cut to the Malt Shoppe. The entire cast is there, in various emotional states. The jukebox is playing 'Simon Smith and His Amazing Dancing Bear' as sung by Westminster Biggles) | |
ABBIE: | How's it going, Fuzzy? |
FUZZY: | What do you mean? |
ABBIE: | You and Sasha. |
FUZZY: | Oh... it's going... quite well. |
(Sasha comes over.) | |
SASHA: | Hello there, Abbie. Are you much happy? Your father seems to be in a good mood. |
ABBIE: | It's a lovely evening, isn't it? |
SASHA: | Yes. |
(Sasha takes Abbie into a corner where no one will overhear them.) | |
SASHA: | How long were you and Westminster in love before you got married? |
ABBIE: | What? You're not thinking of-- |
(Bunniquette interrupts them) | |
BUNNIQUETTE: | Sorry to butt in, gals, but Uulamets want to talk to you both. |
(The three of them walk over to Uulamets. We can't hear them talking over the jukebox (now playing 'Lost in the Shadows' from 'The Lost Boys'), but we see Uulamets looking very serious, and after he has said a few words, Abbie and Sasha are horrified by what he says. As the credits roll, we see black and white film of a snow-covered landscape. There is a puddle of dark fluid (blood, in case you hadn't guessed) staining the snow.) |