SEASON TWO EPISODE TEN

BITCH BUNNY FROM HELL

(The Bridge. Fuzzy, Sasha, Abbie, Earless, Pirica. Abbie is at the controls, preparing to land on Yoople 5.)

ABBIE:

We've almost reached Yoople 5, Fuzzy.

FUZZY:

Good. Set us down near the Insectblanket, and we'll --

ABBIE:

Oh, good heavens! That scared the heck out of me!

FUZZY:

What? What scared you?

ABBIE:

Come here and look at this monitor screen. I was juts going to get ready to land when all of a sudden a little planet popped up and got in our way!

FUZZY:

What? A little planet? Well, we'll have to land on it instead, and ask it to move out of our way!

EARLESS:

Ask a planet to move out of our way? Boy, and they think I'm senile! Hey, Pirica, I told a planet to get out of my way once.

PIRICA:

Did you?

EARLESS:

Of course. How do you think I lost my ears?

(The ship lands on the little planet. Cut to the exterior of the Sea Kidney, on the little planet, which is barren and rocky. Fuzzy, Pirica, Sasha, Hoppy, Bunniquette, Rabbo and Lennie emerge from the ship.)

LENNIE:

Right. Let's find the scurvy dog who parked this planet in our path.

SASHA:

Surely it cannot be that a person can drive a planet? That sounds to be muchly not possible.

FUZZY:

Well, it does seem unlikely, but it's the only way to explain this planet's troublesome behaviour. Someone must be trying to stop us from reaching Yoople 5.

(We see a close up of Fuzzy's angry face.)

FUZZY:

Well, no one will keep me away from my Insectblanket!

(When we zoom out again we see that Fuzzy and co. are surrounded by bunnies with guns.)

FUZZY:

I hope.

(The gun-bunnies part, revealing a much larger, taller bunny, wearing a brightly coloured bow-tie.)

PIRICA:

What is the meaning of this outrage? I happen to be the Earth's UBF Ambassador for the planet of Tooty-Mondongo and surrounding systems. I will not tolerate this hostility.

BOW-TIE BUNNY:

You'll do as you're told, wench. I am ... The Easter Bunny!

FUZZY & CO.:

Gasp!

EASTER BUNNY:

My Mistress has ordered me to stop you from reaching Yoople 5. You must agree to obey me or you will be destroyed.

FUZZY:

You know what to do, gang.

(Suddenly Fuzzy and his crew are wearing top hats and carrying canes. Bunniquette is sitting at a piano. The good guys start to dance, and sing the 'Oh Dear We're Being Attacked By The Easter Bunny Song'.)

RABBO:

'Bumpety bobo, woopety doo

HOPPY:

We're gonna sing a song just to annoy-oy you

FUZZY:

By the time we're finished

RABBO:

Wanooba mooble blinnisht!

LENNIE:

So norble-norble poo, bloop-bloop!

(There is a minute or two of tap-dancing.)

BUNNIQUETTE:

... The Hills Are Alive, With The Sound Of --'

(Bunniquette is interrupted by the arrival of a beautiful bunny in a slinky purple dress. Fuzzy and co.'s hats, canes, and piano disappear.)

PIRICA:

I should have known you'd be behind this!

FUZZY:

You know her, Ric? Who is she?

PIRICA:

She's Anastasia Sarossy-Mammalworth. The most heartless, conniving, manipulative, obscenely rich and beautiful bunny this side of Ranuflax 4.

ANASTASIA:

Don't sound so pleased to see me, DeBunny. And as of you, mister Fuzzy Bunny, you needn't think that poorly choreographed tap-dancing will enable you to escape. Yoople 5 now belongs to me, and so does everything on it. That includes that little pile of junk that you call your 'Bug-Rug'.

FUZZY:

Insectblanket! It's the Insectblanket! And whatta you mean, you own Yoople 5?

ANASTASIA:

I bought it.

FUZZY:

From who?

ANASTASIA:

The previous owner. God.

FUZZY:

You bought a planet from God?

ANASTASIA:

Yes. I have friends in high places, you see. Most planet he gives away to the races that live on them. But uninhabited ones, like Yoople 5, he keeps for himself, until someone wants to buy them.

FUZZY:

Is this bunny for real, Ric?

PIRICA:

Oh, she's definitely serious, Fuzzy. Anastasia Sarossy-Mammalworth never kids around.

ANASTASIA:

And, what's more, if you don't do as I tell you, I'll have you all charged with trespassing, from the last time you were on Yoople 5. Except for the eccentric tailor - the one with the walrus - and King Uulamets of the Nerpalon System, and his daughter, the Princess. They had not joined your crew when you were on Yoople 5.

FUZZY:

So you won't let me near my old ship?

ANASTASIA:

Did I say that? You will be permitted to repair the Bug-Rug. On one condition.

FUZZY:

... yes?

ANASTASIA:

You allow me to travel with you for a time. I am ... bored of my wealthy, upper-class life. I want to mingle with some commoners for a while.

BUNNIQUETTE:

Commoners?!

ANASTASIA:

The Princess and her father excepted, of course. They are most certainly not common.

PIRICA:

Don't let her persuade you to allow her to join your crew, Fuzzy. She's a--

FUZZY:

It is done! In exchange for the Insectblanket, Anastasia Sarossy-Mammalworth will join the crew of the Sea Kidney.

PIRICA:

But --

FUZZY:

The King of the Space Pirates has spoken.

SASHA:

As muchly as I hate to say this, Fuzzy, perhaps it is best to heed the words of Pirica. I do not like this Sarossy-Mammalworth bunny. She seems to be less than un-nasty. And her hired thugs --

FUZZY:

The Easter Bunny.

SASHA:

-- yes, the Easter Bunny, they were threatening to kill us, and --

RABBO:

Make sure you don't wet the buck-bets.

BUNNIQUETTE:

Oh, shut up. Miss Sarossy-Mammalworth, could you give us a moment alone to discuss this?

ANASTASIA:

Actually, it's Duchess Sarossy-Mammalworth.

PIRICA:

Yes. The duchess of whores and bitches!!

ANASTASIA:

Ahem. My entourage and I will pretend I didn't hear that, you bitter old slag! Oops! Did I say 'bitter old slag'? I meant 'dear old biddy'.

PIRICA:

Old? Why, I oughta --

ANASTASIA:

As I was saying ... of course I'll give you a few minutes to chatter before Fuzzy's final decision. My retinue and I will go and pack while you bicker among your grotty, common little selves.

(Anastasia, the Eater Bunny, and the gun-bunnies all nick off behind a nearby rock outcrop.)

PIRICA:

That bunny! Ooh, she makes me so --

FUZZY:

Stop abusing her and tell us what your problem is. How do you know her? Why do you hate her so much?

SASHA:

Pirica just hates her because she's afraid that Anastasia might be more bitchy than even Pirica can be.

PIRICA:

Yeah, right, kid, whatever you say.

SASHA:

You will address me as 'Princess Uulamets', peasant!

(Hoppy and Bunniquette move away from the others and begin to whisper.)

HOPPY:

Wow! That's the first time I've ever seen Sash pull rank like that! She must be real steamed!

BUNNIQUETTE:

Do you blame her? What with Fuzzy's ex joining up, and all the crap that's been going on?

(Hoppy shakes her head and they rejoin the others in time to hear Pirica say:)

PIRICA:

... I first met her a few weeks after Fuzzy left Earth. My parents sent me to a posh convent school, Saint Wafflepop's School For Lady Bunnies, to help me forget my woes. Anastasia was enrolled there too, but not long after I started there, the sisters threw her out because she was such a bitch! I'm warning you, Fuzzy, if you let her on board your ship, she'll destroy your entire life.

FUZZY:

Now I see what this is about. Just because you met her soon after your fiancé deserted you, you've developed a completely irrational hatred of her! She was right! You are bitter!

PIRICA:

Ng! I give up! Do what you like! If you won't listen, then you'll learn soon enough!

FUZZY:

Right. Anastasia! Duchess! We've made our decision.

(Anastasia, the Easter Bunny, and the gun-bunnies return.)

FUZZY:

You will join the crew of the Sea Kidney.

ANASTASIA:

Splendid. I simply knew you'd see sense. Easter Bunny! Get back to the base. You and your soldiers shall have to pack quickly. And alert my servants - you know, the Butler, Jupie, and my maid, Grovelspit, and the chauffeur - what's his name? I always forget - oh yes, McKoohinky. Tell them all to gather their belongings immediately. We're joining the crew of a starship.

FUZZY:

Hold on a second, lady!

ANASTASIA:

Duchess.

FUZZY:

Whatever. Now you listen here. I said you could come with us. No one else. No servants, no Easter Bunny, and certainly no soldiers!

ANASTASIA:

I will not have a peasant like you tell me what I can and can't do, thank you very m--

SASHA:

Then you will bow to the Princess of Nerpalon 12! Fuzzy Bunny is the captain of the Sea Kidney. You will do as he says or you will rot in the filth-cells of Grondoglicon, the fearsome prison planet!

ANASTASIA:

... Yes, your highness. Very well. Easter! You heard. I will be going alone.

EASTER BUNNY:

But Duchess --

ANASTASIA:

Silence! You will not disobey the Princess. Bring me my suitcase, immediately.

(Cut to the bridge. Abbie, Tessa, Ralph, Uulamets, Gumman.)

UULAMETS:

What? She's going to travel with us?

ABBIE:

Yes. The others are still out there finalising the deal. This Anastasia person will allow us access to the Insectblanket, and Pirica will repair it.

GUMMAN:

Just what we need. Another mad bunny lady to cause trouble round here.

ABBIE:

That sounded sexist to me. You'd better take that back.

(Rabbo and Bunniquette enter.)

ABBIE:

Ah. Everything sorted out?

BUNNIQUETTE:

Yep. The Easter Bunny's just waiting for us to take off, then he'll move his planet out of our way.

ABBIE:

And that Duchess character will be spending a few months with us.

BUNNIQUETTE:

Yes, apparently.

ABBIE:

So is everyone on board?

BUNNIQUETTE:

Uh-huh. Let's get this starship back into space. It'll only take us a few minutes to reach Yoople 5.

GUMMAN:

Um, I'd hate to sound ignorant, but, uh, is there any reason why we didn't just go around the Easter Bunny's planet in the first place?

RABBO:

Yes.

(The credits roll.)

GUMMAN (VO):

Yes? Well, what is it?

RABBO (VO):

What's what?

GUMMAN (VO):

The reason we didn't just go around the Easter Bunny's planet!

RABBO (VO):

Oh. It's because of Melanie.

GUMMAN (VO):

Who?

RABBO (VO):

My pet walrus.

GUMMAN (VO):

Well, in that case, I don't want to know.