SEASON TWO EPISODE SIX

NAME THAT WALRUS Part 1

(The Malt Shoppe. Chris Rabbo is there, holding a microphone. Speaking into it and looking at the camera, he says:)

CHRIS RABBO:

Welcome to the galaxy's favourite gameshow, Name That Walrus! I'm your host, Snad Wormley. Here come tonight's contestants.

(Bunniquette, Gumman, and Bullocksnap enter and sit down on three of the stools in front of the counter.)

CHRIS RABBO:

Contestant number one is a wallpaper polisher from Idaho, Miss Woodle Snomslikov!

BUNNIQUETTE:

Hi.

CHRIS RABBO:

Contestant number two is a slug breeder from Sondalon Seven, Mooki McConsulof. Say hi, Mooki.

GUMMAN:

Howdy. I'm very pleased to be h--

CHRIS RABBO:

Yes, thank you. Our third contestant is a battle-scarred war veteran, by the name of Cronique O'Versodamine.

BULLOCKSNAP:

I'm getting too old for this sort of thing.

CHRIS RABBO:

Yes, you are, aren't you? Vanna, tell tonight's contestants what they're playing for.

(A spotlight snaps on next to the jukebox, and we see Abbie in a fancy dress. She too has a microphone, and says:)

ABBIE:

The winner of tonight's show will receive an all expenses paid trip to the lavatory, with thirty million dollars spending money, courtesy of Insignificant Airlines and The Ludicrous Cash Prize Department. But our runners-up won't be leaving empty-handed. They each receive a diamond-studded Q-tip and a home version of our game.

CHRIS RABBO:

Thank you, Cindy. Now let's get started with our first question. How many nuclear warheads does it take to change a light bulb?

BULLOCKSNAP:

Errrnt!! Eight. One to smash the old one, and seven to drive the tank.

CHRIS RABBO:

That's correct. Which is the following is not a popular breakfast cereal: GlopCo's Nuke-Flakes, Haemoglobin Crunchies, or Killhog's Puke-O Pops?

GUMMAN:

Errrnt!!

CHRIS RABBO:

Mooki?

GUMMAN:

It's a trick question. They're all popular breakfast cereals.

CHRIS RABBO:

Very well done. You're absolutely right. On to our next question: what is the capital city of Rondalacon 8?

BUNNIQUETTE:

Errrnt!

CHRIS RABBO:

Woodle?

BUNNIQUETTE:

Yornalo-On-Twidbilly.

CHRIS RABBO:

That is indeed the answer we were looking for. Well, the game's tied with each of our players on one point. We'll be back after this word from our sponsor with the final question.

(Cut to the kitchen (!) where Abbie is washing the dishes (!!). She turns to the camera and holds up a bottle of detergent.)

ABBIE:

Shine-O dish-washing liquid. For dishes so clean you can eat off them.

(We return to the Malt Shoppe and the set of 'Name that Walrus'.)

CHRIS RABBO:

This one's the tie-breaker, gang. Whosoever answereth this baby winneth the game. Buffy?

ABBIE:

Snad's going to ask you all a question. You each have to write down what you consider to be the correct response. I will collect your answers and read them to Snad. Winner takes all.

CHRIS RABBO:

And the twenty-million fooze-clob question is: What's the name of my pet walrus?

(We hear a clock ticking away and watch the three contestants (looking bewildered) considering the question and finally writing their answers.)

CHRIS RABBO:

Time's up. Freda-Bob, what did they say?

(Abbie takes the pieces of paper from the contestants.)

ABBIE:

Contestant number three's answer is... Rudolph.

CHRIS RABBO:

Azzif. Get him off.

(Abbie quickly carts Bullocksnap out of the Malt Shoppe before returning and reading out Gumman's answer:)

ABBIE:

Number two says ... Gertrude.

CHRIS RABBO:

Wrongo! I think not, oh cowardly goose-plucker.

(Gumman slinks away sadly.)

ABBIE:

Contestant number one's response is... Ellen!

CHRIS RABBO:

Correct-a-mundo! Abbie, tell her what she wins.

ABBIE:

Congratulations, Bunniquette. You're the proud owner of thirteen thousand seafood waffles and you're also Chris Rabbo's fiancee!

(An over-enthusiastic applause track can be heard.)

BUNNIQUETTE:

Woo hoo. I am so excited. I can hardly ...yawn... contain myself.

CHRIS RABBO:

I know how you feel, my little BFD sweetie. I've been lusting after you for weeks!

BUNNIQUETTE:

Rub it in, why doncha? I'm leaving. Call me when the church is booked.

CHRIS RABBO:

I fully intend to.

ABBIE:

Snad and Vanna dressed by Bob's Rabbitwear. Cast and crew choose to fly Sea Kidney Airlines. 'Name that Walrus' has been a RabboCo production for the SKTV network.

(Cut to Bunniquette's newsroom, where she sits behind her desk with her glasses on. An assortment of clay pots and bowls is on her desk.)

BUNNIQUETTE:

Kiln at eleven.

(Cut to the Bridge. Fuzzy is there.)

FUZZY:

This whole episode is a farce.

(Cut to the Sea Kidney's large dining hall, where we see Uncle Earless standing on top of the long table. He does a little dance and says:)

EARLESS:

Tah-dah!! Ted O'Glare, eat your heart out!

(Lennie storms in and says:)

LENNIE:

Get the hell off my table, Jim. Dinner's nearly ready.

EARLESS:

Party pooper.

(Lennie calls out toward the kitchen.)

LENNIE:

Hey, Howie - that carrot and woodchip meatloaf done yet?

HOWIE(OOV):

Yeah, Ab's just gone to buy some more lettuce sauce.

LENNIE:

Man, are we outta lettuce sauce again? Bloody rabbits. Eat like pigs.

EARLESS:

I resent that.

(Sasha and Fuzzy are playing tennis.)

SASHA:

Did you enjoy Christopher's walrus-game show?

FUZZY:

No. It was stupid. But at least 'Quette's accepted the fact that she has to marry the jerk. I just hope Hoppy and Mal turn out okay - they can't speak or act of their own accord since Rufus and Yasta brainwashed them.

SASHA:

And we can't ask Rufus to tell us how to undo the process because Miss O'Bunbun turned him and Yasta to stone and doesn't know how to restore them.

FUZZY:

How's that for a plot recap?

SASHA:

Stop it. I'm blushing.

(We hear a loud 'beep, beep'.)

FUZZY:

Oh! That sound! It means the autopilot has set us down on some planet. I wonder where we are?

SASHA:

We must be careful! The UBF are still after us because you refuse to turn in your spaceship, and if they catch us--

FUZZY:

I know. Let's go.

(Cut to the primary airlock. Fuzzy, Sasha, Westminster and Ralph. The airlock opens and a flight of stairs leads out of the ship to the surface of the planet, one which is pretty much like Earth.)

RALPH:

Ah, I know this planet. It's Tooty-Mondongo, the Planet of the Grapes.

FUZZY:

Do they grow grapes here?

RALPH:

No, it's just called that because the natives are wine-sodden alcoholic lunatics.

FUZZY:

Oh, okay.

(Suddenly they notice a figure running towards them. As he comes closer, they see that he is a bunny like them, wearing a black suit and top hat. He carries a small briefcase shaped like a coffin. He reaches them, panting.)

UNDERTAKER:

Please, you must help me! The UBF has been taken over by alien bodysnatchers and they're trying to get me! You must take me with you and flee this unholy orb!

FUZZY:

A fellow refugee from justice? Cool. Welcome aboard. What's your name?

UNDERTAKER:

I am Regis Toxicon, the Undertaker.

WESTMINSTER:

Sounds fabbo.

FUZZY:

Well, if the UBF has sent people after you, we'd better get going quickly. Into the ship, guys.

RALPH:

As if the Sea Kidney wasn't crowded enough already.

SASHA:

Do not be so complaining. There is much room aboard Fuzzy's ship for more bunnies.

(Hoards of UBF hitbunnies come swarming over the horizon at a ridiculous pace. Fuzzy, Sasha, Ralph, Westminster and Regis Toxicon the Undertaker hurriedly enter Fuzzy's ship. Cut to the Bridge. Fuzzy, Sasha, Uulamets, Undertaker, Earless, Abbie, Tessa, Rabbo.)

FUZZY:

...so I'd like everyone to welcome Regis Toxicon, the Undertaker.

TESSA:

Nice to meet you, sir.

UNDERTAKER:

The pleasure is all mine, I'm sure, Miss Chainsaw.

CHRIS RABBO:

So, you're an Undertaker, eh?

UNDERTAKER:

Yes. But I'm not just any old Undertaker. I'm special.

EARLESS:

'Special' in the head, I suspect.

UNDERTAKER:

Ahem. You see, I am gifted with the ability to negate the effects of BFD powers.

CHRIS RABBO:

What?!

UNDERTAKER:

Anything a BFD can do, I can undo.

UULAMETS:

Good heavens!

FUZZY:

But that means you'll be able to free Rufus and Yasta from their stone prisons! We'll be able to make them tell us how to help Hoppy and Mal.

UNDERTAKER:

Certainly. Take me to them.

(Gumman's surgery. Gumman, Fuzzy, Uulamets, Rabbo, Bunniquette, Undertaker and the statues of Rufus and Yasta. In a corner, Hoppy and Mal stand, silent and unconscious. (Hoppy is still in her UBF battlesuit).)

GUMMAN:

That's them. Rufus and Yasta, UBF Special Forces. Bunniquette zapped 'em and they turned to stone.

UNDERTAKER:

Quite simple to reverse the process. Special Forces, you say? The UBF must've wanted you bad to send SFs after you.

FUZZY:

Apparently so.

UNDERTAKER:

Never fear. Before I restore them, you'd better tie them up so they don't try anything.

UULAMETS:

Right.

(Uulamets uses his magic to conjure up strong ropes, which securely bind the villains.)

UNDERTAKER:

Okay.

(Regis Toxicon snaps his fingers. Rufus and Yasta are suddenly alive again, no longer encased in stone.)

GUMMAN:

Have a nice nap?

YASTA:

Aargh! The rebels have captured us!

RUFUS:

Panic not, dear Yasta. See how clumsily they bind us.

(Looking at Uulamets' ropes, Rufus and Yasta laugh. Suddenly Rufus' body does this slimy, gooey distending thing and slithers out of the ropes. He is free. Yasta's body transforms to twice its normal size (body but not head). The ropes around her snap. She too is free.)

UNDERTAKER:

Curses! Rufus has the ability to change the shape of his body, while Yasta can totally alter her form from the neck down!

FUZZY:

Oh dear. I never knew that.

(Rufus and Yasta bolt, out of the surgery.)

BUNNIQUETTE:

Damn it! They're loose on the ship!

CHRIS RABBO:

This calls for a Two-Parter.

(The credits roll.)