| SEASON THREE EPISODE ONE | |
| WILLITS GUMMAN’S COMEDY CAVALCADE | |
| (The Malt Shoppe. No one is there. It is brightly lit and a huge neon sign behind the counter says “Willits Gumman’s Comedy Cavalcade”. Gumman runs in with a microphone and begins talking to camera.) | |
| GUMMAN: | Howdy, folks, and welcome! I’m Willits Gumman, the Outrageously Amusing Doctor Bunny! Boy, do I have a great show lined up for you tonight! So let’s get things under way, with a classic comedy sketch. |
| (Cut to Gumman’s consulting room. He is in there with Pirica.) | |
| PIRICA: | Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a pidgeon! |
| GUMMAN: | Don’t worry - at least you like oatmeal! |
| (We hear a laugh track. Cut back to the Malt Shoppe.) | |
| GUMMAN: | Wasn’t that hilarious? I can hardly control my laughter. |
| (Fuzzy rushes in.) | |
| FUZZY: | I saw that sketch! What do you think you’re doing? Just when I finally turned the show into a serious space opera, you go and turn it back to a third-rate comedy show! |
| GUMMAN: | That’s right. From now on, it’s comedy all the way. |
| FUZZY: | Over my dead bunny! |
| (Cut to a corridor somewhere aboard the Sea Kidney. Bunniquette and Rabbo are walking along it.) | |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | I hear Gumman is trying to get the comedy thing going again. |
| RABBO: | I don’t fancy his chances of success, what with all the serious stuff that’s going on right now. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Yeah, like Hoppy being preggers, and after the new UBF blew up the Nunklon homeworld, and -- |
| RABBO: | And that incredibly gorgeous “hot babe”, Anastasia Sarossy-Mammalworth, joining the crew ... |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Gorgeous? Hot? Haven’t you heard a word Pirica’s been saying? The Sarossy girl’s not a babe - she’s a bitch. |
| RABBO: | Pirica’s just jealous. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Yeah, right. |
| (Suddenly the Ninja Stab-Stab Brothers, Pommel and Pummel, come flying out of nowhere to attack Bunniquette and Rabbo. They both utterly miss and go flying hurtling past down the corridor, unable to slow themselves down after leaping out at their targets at such a high speed. As they zoom away, we just hear them say:) | |
| POMMEL: | Ha-ha! Prepare to die, BFD scum! |
| PUMMEL: | Yes! Prepare to die! |
| (Bunniquette and Rabbo turn to watch them vanish in the distance and we hear Pommel saying:) | |
| POMMEL: | I think we missed them. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | What the hell was that? |
| RABBO: | Two inept ninja assassins bent on destroying us, judging from their accent. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | You are so weird. |
| (Cut to the bridge. Earless and Abbie.) | |
| ABBIE: | So, what do you think of Anastasia, dad? |
| EARLESS: | She’s a shameless hussy! A brazen slut! She oughta be shot! |
| ABBIE: | Ah. I see. But ... does she remind you of anyone? It might just be my imagination, but she looks familiar to me. |
| EARLESS: | Well, if her hair was shorter, and if it wasn’t purple, she’d look exactly like Sasha Uulamets. |
| ABBIE: | Oh, my! You’re right! How strange! |
| (Cut to Anastasia’s room. She’s in there with the Stab-Stabs.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | What do you mean, you failed? |
| POMMEL: | Well, they ducked out of our way, and we sort of ... went past them. |
| PUMMEL: | Right past them. And we couldn’t turn around in time to get them. |
| ANASTASIA: | You’d best not disappoint me again, you brainless ninja twerps. You’re supposed to be master assassins, not idiotic bunglers. I can see that if I want this done properly, I’ll have to do it myself. You two kill Bunniquette, I’ll do Rabbo myself. And if you fail again, the Easter Bunny will have your heads. |
| (Anastasia storms out.) | |
| POMMEL: | She’s right. Our contract does say “Master Assassins”. |
| PUMMEL: | We have a contract? What is that? What is one of those things? A “contract”? Is that the same as a train-track? |
| POMMEL: | Sort of. |
| (Back to the Malt Shoppe, where we find Gumman and Lennie.) | |
| GUMMAN: | Now, on with our show. I’d like to introduce you to my co-host for tonight, Lennie the Chainsaw. |
| LENNIE: | Hi. |
| GUMMAN: | Tell them a joke, Lennie. |
| LENNIE: | What? |
| GUMMAN: | Go on. Just look straight at the camera and tell a joke. |
| LENNIE: | Well ... okay. Right. There’s this chainsaw, see, and he walks into a bar, and the bartender says “Hi, would you like a drink?” and the chainsaw says “No, I came to the bar for a pizza”!! |
| (Lennie begins to laugh. Gumman scowls and mutters:) | |
| GUMMAN: | Chainsaws. Go figure. |
| (Cut to Rabbo’s room. He and Bunniquette are in there. Bunniquette says:) | |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | ... Yeah, well I’ll see you there later. |
| (And leaves. Chris and the Walrus are now alone.) | |
| RABBO: | So, Nathan, how’s things in your little walrus world? |
| (He tips a plate of fish waffles into the tank. There’s a knock at the door.) | |
| RABBO: | Come in. |
| (Anastasia enters.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | Good morning. |
| RABBO: | Hi. What brings you to this neck of the Sea Kidney? |
| ANASTASIA: | Just thought I’d pop in and visit. |
| RABBO: | Oh. That’s nice of you. Like a cup of tea? |
| ANASTASIA: | Do you have any champagne? |
| RABBO: | No. Will Fizzy Walrus Water do? |
| ANASTASIA: | On second thought, I’m not that thirsty. |
| RABBO: | Oh. Okay. Hungry? I’ve still got some Trout-liver pate and Fish-Biscuits left from the wedding reception. |
| ANASTASIA: | ... You’re very cute, you know. |
| RABBO: | Pardon? |
| ANASTASIA: | It’s such a shame you just got married. |
| RABBO: | Well, uh, I -- it’s -- you -- the -- oh, golly! D’you really think I’m cute? |
| ANASTASIA: | Definitely. |
| (Anastasia moves closer to him. Soon he’s backed against the walrus tank. Behind her back Anastasia is holding a syringe. Chris can’t see it.) | |
| RABBO: | Gulp! |
| ANASTASIA: | I’d like to get to know you better. |
| (She raises the syringe behind her back, ready to stab him with it. He still doesn’t know she’s holding it.) | |
| RABBO: | W -- Y -- Gg! Y -- you have such lovely tonsils... |
| (Suddenly Bunniquette enters. Anastasia hurriedly hides the syringe. Bunniquette never sees it.) | |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | What the hell? Get your paws off my husband, witch! |
| ANASTASIA: | I was... just helping him feed his walrus. Must be going. Bye. |
| (Anastasia leaves quickly.) | |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | What the hell was that about, you dopey weirdo? You were about to kiss her! |
| RABBO: | No, no, you’ve got it all wrong, she -- |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | I told you she’s a bitch! |
| (Bunniquette storms out.) | |
| RABBO: | Youch. That Anastasia! Wow! |
| (In the tank, the barely-visible walrus thrashes around a bit. Chris is splashed by a few drops of water. He comes to his senses.) | |
| RABBO: | You’re right, Jonah. My heart belongs to Bunniquette ... but oh, that Anastasia! After all, I’m only human, you know. |
| (Cut to Gumman’s office. He’s there with Abbie.) | |
| ABBIE: | You’ve got to help me, Doctor. I haven’t been sleeping well since my husband stayed behind on Tooty-Mondongo to help rebuild the UBF. |
| GUMMAN: | And you’d like some sleeping pills, would you? |
| ABBIE: | Please. |
| GUMMAN: | Right. |
| (He hands her a piece of paper.) | |
| GUMMAN: | Here’s your conscription. |
| ABBIE: | Don’t you mean “prescription”? |
| GUMMAN: | No. I’m not really a doctor. I’m actually a recruiting officer for the Hungarian navy. |
| ABBIE: | I’m going to sue for malpractice. |
| GUMMAN: | No. I practiced on Hoppy. |
| ABBIE: | That was an awful joke. |
| GUMMAN: | Hmmph. I never said I was funny. |
| ABBIE: | I should hope not. Now cut out this rubbish, and get to the dining room. Ralph and Fuzzy have almost finished making lunch. |
| (Cut to the dining room. At the large table in the centre sit Fuzzy, Sasha, Uulamets, Earless, Ralph, Lennie, Tessa, Pirica, Anastasia, Rabbo, Bunniquette, and Hoppy (who is now showing noticeably). Abbie and Gumman enter and take their seats, Everyone begins to eat.) | |
| HOPPY: | The carrot and tofu lasagne is great, Fuzzy. |
| FUZZY: | Well, most of the credit should go to Ralph. I’m not much of a chef myself, and without Ralph’s help, I probably would have ruined the whole meal. |
| HOPPY: | Those chainsaws are good at everything! It’s amazing! |
| RALPH: | Now stop that! You’ll embarrass us. |
| ANASTASIA: | Would you pass me the lettuce sauce please, Pirica? |
| PIRICA: | Get it yourself, hag. |
| FUZZY: | Ric! Where are your manners? I’m sick of you being rude to Anastasia! Apologise to her immediately. |
| PIRICA: | No. |
| FUZZY: | Pirica! |
| PIRICA: | Oh, all right. I’m sorry, Duchess Sarossy-Mammalworth. |
| FUZZY: | There. That didn’t hurt, did it? |
| (Uulamets and Sasha are talking to each other.) | |
| SASHA: | Anastasia looks very familiar, doesn’t she, father? |
| UULAMETS: | I don’t know what you mean. |
| SASHA: | I’m sure I’ve seen her somewhere before, a long time ago. |
| UULAMETS: | Impossible. You’re talking rubbish. |
| SASHA: | I hope you’re not hiding something from me, father. I have been having enough of you keeping your little secrets and not telling people important things until it is being too late. |
| UULAMETS: | Just eat your dinner, daughter. |
| SASHA: | Yes, father. |
| (The credits roll.) |