| SEASON THREE, EPISODE SEVEN | |
| ADVERSE EFFECTS OF ALCOHOL: A CASE STUDY | |
| (Anastasia’s room. Anastasia, the Easter Bunny, and the Stab-Stab Brothers.) | |
| EASTER BUNNY: | Tonight! |
| ANASTASIA: | Yes. Tonight. After tonight there’ll be no more messing around. No more secrecy and intrigue. There will be only me, ruling from on high as the all-mighty matriarch of the UBF Sea Kidney. Everything will be mine! |
| POMMEL: | Three cheers for Princess Anastasia! |
| (Pummel hands her a large gift-wrapped box. She opens it, and pulls out three chairs.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | Pummel Stan-Stab, you are an idiot. |
| PUMMEL: | But Pommel said -- |
| ANASTASIA: | Shut up, dolt. Now, Roberto, Have you typed up the contract? |
| EASTER BUNNY: | Yes, my lady. All is in readiness. |
| (Cut to Sasha’s room. She and Fuzzy are in there.) | |
| SASHA: | Please tell me what’s going on, Fuzzy. You haven’t been yourself lately. |
| FUZZY: | It’s nothing, Sash. I’m fine. Really. |
| SASHA: | Are you angry at me? Have I done something wrong? |
| FUZZY: | No! Everything you do is perfect. |
| SASHA: | Of, Fuzzy, I love you! And I hate to see you like this. Are you sure that there is being nothing wrong? |
| FUZZY: | Positive. |
| (Cut to the Bridge, where we find Laff, Hoppy, and Bunniquette.) | |
| HOPPY: | We have to do something about the way Fuzzy’s been acting lately. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | I bet it has something to do with that Sarossy-Mammalworth bitch. |
| LAFF: | I think you’re too hard on Anastasia, Bunniquette. She’s explained what she’s doing here and why she didn’t tell you who she was as soon as she met you. I think you ought to trust her more. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | No way. I bet she is responsible for the way Fuzzy’s been. She probably drags him off to some secret place every night to seduce him. The poor guy. He wouldn’t stand a change against her. |
| (Cut to the Malt Shoppe. It’s midnight, and Fuzzy and Anastasia are drinking champagne again. Fuzzy is already a little tipsy.) | |
| FUZZY: | ... and he bit them three times! On the boat, too! I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t eyed it with my own seens. |
| ANASTASIA: | That’s nice, dear. Now drink up, and then I’ve got a surprise for you. |
| FUZZY: | A surprise? I love surprises! What is it? |
| (Anastasia produces a pen and a piece of paper.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | Very well. I would like you to sign this. |
| (He looks at her suspiciously.) | |
| FUZZY: | What is it? |
| ANASTASIA: | An airtight and unbreakable contract. Once you’ve signed it, everything that I’ve worked so patiently to achieve will be mine. |
| FUZZY: | Oh. Okay. I was a bit worried that it might have been a blank cheque. |
| (He signs it.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | Perfect. If only you realised what you’ve done. |
| FUZZY: | Are you glad that I signed it? |
| ANASTASIA: | Yes. |
| FUZZY: | Well as long as you’re happy that’s all that matters. |
| ANASTASIA: | Do you really mean that, Fuzzy? |
| (In reply, he leans forward and kisses her. And suddenly he yelps and falls off his stool.) | |
| FUZZY: | Oh, good lords! I just kissed you! What was I doing? |
| ANASTASIA: | You were doing something that you’ve wanted to do since the day we met. |
| FUZZY: | No! No! I love your sister! Oh, my! I actually kissed you! I’m dead! I’m ... drunk! You... you did this to me on purpose! Help! |
| (He runs out. Anastasia watches him go with a smile on her face and then returns her attention to the signed contract in her hand. Cut to Sasha’s room. It’s dark, and Sasha is asleep in bed. Fuzzy bursts in, turning on the light and rushing over to shake Sasha.) | |
| FUZZY: | Sasha! Sasha, wake up! Help me! Sasha! |
| (Sasha wakes up.) | |
| SASHA: | Fuzzy? What is wrong? |
| FUZZY: | It’s... it’s awful! Your... your sister tried to seduce me! I... I kissed her, Sasha! Please forgive me! |
| SASHA: | You kissed my sister? |
| FUZZY: | Yes! She made me drink champagne until I was drunk and then she seduced me! I feel so cheap! |
| SASHA: | I’m sure that Anna would never intentionally-- |
| FUZZY: | She did! She did! Don’t let her near me! |
| SASHA: | But Anna is so-- |
| FUZZY: | No! I’m telling you the truth! And it’s been happening for days! This... this morning I woke up in her bed! |
| SASHA: | That’s what beds are for. You got to sleep, and then you wake up. I would only be worried if you had not woken up. |
| FUZZY: | But Sasha - that’s not the only thing beds can be used for. |
| SASHA: | You’re not suggesting-- |
| FUZZY: | I sure hope not! I don’t even remember! |
| SASHA: | Oh dear. |
| (Cut to breakfast the next morning in the dining hall. Sitting at the table are Fuzzy, Sasha, Uulamets, Tessa, Rabbo, Bunniquette, Hoppy, Laff, Gumman, Earless, Abbie, Westminster, Lennie, and Ralph. Anastasia enters, followed by the Easter Bunny and the Stab-Stabs.) | |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | What the hell? It’s those bloody ninja bastards! What’s going on, bitch? |
| ANASTASIA: | I have an important announcement to make. It concerns all of you. You see this piece of paper? |
| (She holds up the contract that Fuzzy signed last night.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | Well, it contains a few things that not all of you will be pleased about. Thanks to your brilliantly conscientious captain, Fuzzy, who signed this last night, I, Anastasia Sarossy-Mammalworth, am now the proud owner of the Insectblanket and the Sea Kidney. |
| FUZZY: | Oh, my! |
| ANASTASIA: | And it doesn't end there, folks. |
| SASHA: | What is the meaning of this, Anna? |
| ANASTASIA: | Please, young fool, allow me to finish. This contract not only names me as the owner of the two ships. Oh no. In addition, I now own Fuzzy Bunny. |
| FUZZY: | Oh, great. That’s it. I really blew it this time. |
| ABBIE: | You didn’t really sign it, did you Fuzzy? |
| FUZZY: | Well, actually, now that you mention it, I strongly suspect that, yes, I did. |
| ANASTASIA: | He most certainly did. And now this place is mine. And so are you, Fuzzikins. |
| GUMMAN: | Uh-oh. My suitcase isn’t going to like this.. |
| FUZZY: | I am never, ever going to drink champagne again. |
| UULAMETS: | That’s it. I’m sorry to have to do this, Anna, but you leave me no choice. |
| ANASTASIA: | What are you talking about, old man? |
| UULAMETS: | You’re grounded. Until further notice. |
| ANASTASIA: | Don’t toy with me, Uulamets, of you risk the life of Fuzzy Bunny. On account of the fact that I own it, you see, and it is mine to end at any time I see fit. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | There’s gotta be a law against people like her doing things like this. |
| ANASTASIA: | Actually, no. You se, that’s another advantage of this contract. I now make the laws aboard this ship, and I have the right to execute anyone who fails to obey them. |
| EARLESS: | Fantastic. As if life here wasn’t crap enough already. |
| ANASTASIA: | Shut your mouldy old face, you geriatric bonsai-bunny, or I’ll have my associate prune your internal organs. |
| EASTER BUNNY: | And I will, too. |
| LENNIE: | Come on, gang. There’s only four of them. We can take ‘em. |
| (Anastasia snaps her fingers. Suddenly the room fills up with gun-bunnies.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | Don’t try anything stupid. |
| EARLESS: | Well, that sure limits our options. |
| ABBIE: | Dad! Don’t make her angry! |
| GUMMAN: | Listen, Anastasia, let’s try to sort this out in a civilised and rational way. Uulamets, you’re a king. You’re unbelievably wealthy. I’m sure we can settle this with cash. Name your price, Anastasia. |
| ANASTASIA: | Forget it, quack. First, I should explain to you that not amount of riches would persuade me to release you from this contract. And beyond that, all of King Teddy’s gold is in the Royal Treasury Room on Nerpalon 12 - a place to which none of you currently has access. |
| UULAMETS: | That’s what you think. |
| (He snaps his fingers.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | Sorry, your Royal Stupidness. Your magic won’t work. I’ve been drugging your food since I first arrived, with a chemical that suppresses sorcerous abilities. It will be at least several months before the effects of the poison wear off - assuming I don’t slip you more. And your young apprentice Tessa is in the same boat. |
| TESSA: | Oarless. |
| EARLESS: | Yes? |
| TESSA: | No, I didn’t say-- |
| EARLESS: | What is it? Why call out my name if you don’t have something important to say? |
| TESSA: | It wasn't your name! I said “oarless”, as in “Tessa’s in the same boat as Uulamets, up that such-and-such creek without a paddle”. Oarless. |
| EARLESS: | Yeah, right, whatever. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | This is a most dire day indeed. |
| RABBO: | Definitely, dear. |
| HOPPY: | Desperately dismal. |
| LAFF: | Dreadfully dark. |
| ANASTASIA: | Don’t do that! Shut up, all of you! Just get used to the fact that I’m running the show now-- |
| FUZZY: | Well, I hope you can get them to do a serious space opera, because I couldn’t. |
| ANASTASIA: | Shut up! Let me finish! |
| EASTER BUNNY: | You heard her. Next one to interrupt gets their bowels nailed to their tongue. |
| RABBO: | Cool! |
| ABASTASIA: | As I was saying, you’ll just have to accept that I’m the boss here now, and anyone who ticks me off will be destroyed. Got it? |
| SASHA: | I don’t like you any more, Anna. |
| FUZZY: | Pirica was right the whole time. I should never have doubted her. |
| GUMMAN: | Oh, bugger! O forgot! Excuse me, Miss Anastasia-boss-woman-bunny? |
| ANASTASIA: | Yes, peasant? |
| GUMMAN: | May I be excused? My suitcase gets rather irate if I leave her alone for too long. |
| ANASTASIA: | Certainly. |
| (Gumman exits hurriedly.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | And that’s the sort of respect I demand from all of you. |
| (Cut to Gumman’s surgery. He rushes in and sits down next to his suitcase.) | |
| GUMMAN: | We’re in big trouble! Anastasia’s taken over! |
| FEMALE VOICE: | What? Already? Then it’s essential you get me out of here immediately! |
| GUMMAN: | But I still can’t find the key! |
| FEMALE: | Then Fuzzy Bunny and his entire crew are doomed. |
| (The credits roll.) |
Next Episode
Previous Episode
Season Three
Fuzzy Bunny Show Home