MRS BIRDIE AND A VISIT TO THE WITCH
A FUZZY BUNNY: THE NEXT GENERATION ADVENTURE
(The huge subterranean cavern that houses the abandoned Nunklon base which is the home of the infamous Grondoglicon Link. At one of the many computer terminals sits Glock Spielberg, working on something or other. Down the flight of stairs that leads to the surface comes Goatee.)
GLOCK:Morning, Dime.
GOATEE:“Dime”? Short for “Diamonds”, I suppose?
GLOCK:But of course. How’s things upstairs?
GOATEE:BB’s just tidying up. This whole city’s been a mess – well, worse than usual – since Admiral Biggles and his UBF ANT[1] arrived and defeated the Neo-Nunklons and their puny “Nunklon Lords”.
GLOCK:We were lucky that Hoppy and her team were able to find this place and go to your mother for help.
GOATEE:“Hoppy and her team”... “Hoppy and her brothers and siters”, you mean. Your brothers and sisters, too.
GLOCK:Yeah... weird, isn’t it? The whole time we were together, we never knew that we were all related.
GOATEE:And as soon as she returns from the Yoople System, you’ll all be able to meet your real mother – Hoppy Lashes VIII. You’ll love her. She’s great.
GLOCK:But... after all these years! Finding out that the bunnies who gave birth to us aren’t our mothers! It’s creepy!
GOATEE:Well... now you’ve all got two mothers. All I have is a nice woman who adopted me after my real parents were killed. Think yourself lucky.
GLOCK:I... do.
(Baik-baik Saja enters.)
GLOCK:Hey, Beeb.
BAIK-BAIK:Good morning, Glock.
GOATEE:Have Nancy and Dif finished clearing away all the rubble near the entrance?
BAIK-BAIK:Yep. And they’ve also done a little house-keeping over in the Garden District.
GOATEE: Oh, really? That’s where Anastasia’s hideout was.
BAIK-BAIK:Yes. In fact, they paid the hideout a visit.
GOATEE:Why do I get the feeling that I’m not going to like what comes next?
BAIK-BAIK:You’ll recall we left “Anastasia” locked up in her own dungeon with a good few months’ worth of rations?
GOATEE:True. This is true.
BAIK-BAIK:She’s escaped. She could be anywhere. Nancy threw out a quick TP scan, but couldn’t locate Anastasia.
GOATEE:Glock, get into the Link’s security systems and triple all security measures. Tell the computers that the only people allowed access to the Link Cavern are you, me, BB, Nance, Dif, Ferdie, Oonf, Hoppy Lasher, Finch and Skend.
GLOCK:Right.
GOATEE:Nancy... you hear me?
(A ghost-like image of Nancy appears in the air before them. Goatee, BB and Glock telepathically hear Nancy’s voice in their minds.)
NANCY’S VOICE:Yes, Goat. What’s up? I guess BB’s told you about the Quintessa.
GOATEE:Yes. I want you and Dif to return to the Link Cavern immediately. And contact the others and tell them to do the same.
NANCY’S VOICE:On it.
(Nancy’s astral form vanishes.)
GOATEE:Baik-baik... where are the others? How soon will they be able to get back?
BAIK-BAIK:Finch, Lasher and Oonf took hoverbikes to the French Quarter. Skend, Hoppy and Ferdie took the Tank to clean up China Town. The hoverbikes can make it back here in a matter of minutes, but the Tank’s not so fast. It’ll be at least half an hour before Hoppy and her lot get back.
GOATEE:We need everyone here ASAP! With Anastasia on the loose, we have to be extra careful! Hummole Tummoo Tummank Nummow!
(A portal opens in the air beside Goatee. The Tank drives through it. The portal closes behind the Tank.)
GOATEE:There. A little bit of magic can work wonders sometimes.
(Hoppy, Ferdie and Skend climb out of the Tank. Nancy, Dif, Lasher, Oonf and Finch enter from the staircase that leads to the surface.)
GOATEE:Ah, good. Everyone’s home. Now, as Nancy will have told you, gang, Anastasia – the Quintessa Bunnyon – has freed herself from her prison. She’ll be out for revenge.
NANCY:But my telepathic search indicates that she’s no longer anywhere in the city. She must have realised that she was no match for us, and fled.
GOAT & BB:No way.
BAIK-BAIK:We know what Anastasia’s like. She never leaves an old score unsettled.
GOATEE:She’s found a way to shield herself from your TP.
DIF:Can your magic locate her, Princess?
GOATEE:No... not after the strain of bringing the Tank here. Maybe in a few hours.
GLOCK:Diamonds! Quick!
(Goatee rushes over to Glock’s computer and looks at the monitor. Anastasia’s face has appeared on the screen.)
GOATEE:Ooh! Bitch! Where are you?
ANASTASIA:Where am I? I’m safely at home on the Easter Bunny’s planet with hundreds of Gun-bunnies. You meddlesome brats will never bother me again.
GOATEE:What? What do you mean?
ANASTASIA:You thieving rugrats stole my Tank! What you didn’t know was that it was equipped with a TD[2] feature that I am able to activate via remote control. Guess what? You and your precious Link Cavern are about to be teleported into another dimension!
LASHER:What?
SKEND:Oh, no!
ANASTASIA:Oh, yes! And as an added bonus, due to the extraordinary power levels of the Grondoglicon Link, the entire planet of Grondoglicon will be pulled along with you!
GOATEE:But—
ANASTASIA:You’ll never see your families or friends again! Bye-bye!
(There is a flash of light. Anastasia’s face disappears from the monitor screen.)
HOPPY:Did she do it? Did she send us into another dimension?
GLOCK:According to the readings from the Link’s EPS[3], yes. I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore, Goat-o.
GOATEE:Spielberg, get into that Tank and find the TD circuits! See if you can get us home!
GLOCK:Yessir, Ma’am.
(Glock climbs into the Tank.)
GLOCK:Nancy! Gimme a hand!
(Nancy follows Glock into the Tank.)
FERDIE:And... we’re in a completely different dimension? An entirely different world?
GOATEE:A whole new universe!
OONF:So let’s get outside and explore.
GOATEE:No way! Not until we know what’s out there! It could be dangerous!
OONF:We can take care of ourselves. You know that.
GOATEE:It’s too risky. I forbid you to leave this cavern.
OONF:Oh, ho! Well let me tell you, Little Miss Aristocrap, you’re not the boss of us as long as we’re not inside the Nerpalon System, and we can do what we want. C’mon, Hop. Let’s go.
HOPPY:Maybe Goatee’s right, O. We don’t know what we might encounter out there.
(Nancy and Glock emerge from the Tank.)
GLOCK:Bad news, gang. We found the TD rig, but the power core’s blown. No way to recharge it. We’re stuck in this dimension.
GOATEE:Then we’ve no choice but to leave the cavern and explore. Oonf, you take Hoppy, Ferdie, Finch and Skend. Glock, Nancy, Lasher, Dif, you come with me. We’ll split up and do a little map-making. BB, it’s best if someone stays behind in the Link Cavern in case there’s trouble. As soon as we’re out, barricade the door.
(Cut to the outside of the cavern, which can be seen as a huge slab of rock sitting on top of a hill. The hill is surrounded by rolling meadows and miles of lush green grass. From a hole near the top of the giant chunk of stone come Goatee, Glock, Nancy, Lasher, Dif, Oonf, Hoppy, Finch, Skend and Ferdie.)
DIF:Doesn’t look so scary. Quite nice, actually.
GOATEE:Appearances can be deceiving. Oonf, you take your team East. Glock and I will take the rest of our team and head West.
OONF:Done. Let’s go, kiddies.
(Oonf, Finch, Skend, Happy and Ferdie start off in an Easterly direction.)
GLOCK:Wilderness ho, hikers!
(Oonf’s team is soon out of sight. Goatee, Glock, Nanny, Lasher and Dif begin walking West.)
GOATEE:Nance - any sentient lifeforms round here?
(An explosion of pink energy erupts from Nancy’s forehead.)
NANCY:Um... only animals. Squirrels, worms, cute little birdies, a couple of badgers and some foxes. A few hundred bugs... No threats are immediately obvious.
GOATEE:Good.
(A bloody enormous (well, not THAT big, but pretty impressive nonetheless) black pterodactyl-thing swoops down out of the sky and nearly grabs Lasher, who narrowly avoids capture.)
GOATEE:Nanceee! You said “no threats”!
NANCY:Ulp... well, I did mention the cute little birdies.
DIF:Yeah, but not the Frigging Gigantic Killer Monster Vulture Dinosaur Birds!
NANCY:So sue me! It wasn’t in such a bad mood while I was scanning! I had no way of knowing it was going to try to eat Lasher!
GLOCK:Quit Rabbo-jawing! It’s coming back!
GOATEE:Who wants to take it? Any of us can whip it easy enough.
LASHER:This turkey’s mine, Comrade! I ain’t nobody’s birdseed!
(The monster swoops again, and Lasher zaps it with one of her Localised Seismic Activity blasts. The bird begins to shake violently and crashes to the ground in front of the bunnies, still convulsing.)
LASHER:Bird-quake! Ha!
GLOCK:Nice work, Sorensen.
GOATEE:Nancy, telepathic interrogation. And don’t mess up again.
(Nancy uses her powers to probe the beast’s mind.)
NANCY:Oh, no! The birdie was out gathering food, and when it got back, it saw that our Link Cavern had landed on top of its nest! We squished her eggs!
LASHER:That’s no excuse for her to magpie-bomb me.
NANCY:I’m sorry, Mrs Birdie! We didn’t mean to scramble your children! A bad bunny lady made us do it!
GLOCK:She’s talking to a bird.
GOATEE:If Finch was here, we’d be able to communicate directly. Nancy can only use her powers to establish a certain empathy.
NANCY:That’s right, Mrs Birdie. Have a good cry. Don’t bottle it up.
(The bird, no longer shaking, begins to sob and starts crying on Nancy’s shoulder.)
LASHER:Oh, give me a break! Trauma counselling for Savage Murderous Blood-thirsty Killer Geese. Never mind poor little Lasher who nearly had her head bitten off by that monster!
GOATEE:Oh, shut up! This bird could prove to be an invaluable ally. Quit whining and send for Finch.
(Lasher clicks her fingers. Cut to Oonf, Hoppy, Finch, Skend, and Ferdie. They are walking into a dark forest. Suddenly they stop.)
FERDIE:Hey... did you guys feel that?
HOPPY:The ground shook. It’s Lasher.
(A series of small cracks begin to form in the ground at their feet. After a few moments, the cracks can be seen to form words. “Finch to Link Cavern NOW”.)
FINCH:Ah. Goatee must need me. You guys go on. I’ll see you later.
(Back to Goatee and the others outside the Cavern. Finch arrives.)
GOATEE:Ah, good.
FINCH:Holy -- ! What the Walrus is that thing?
NANCY:Mrs Birdie. Our cavern landed on top of her nest and destroyed her eggs.
FINCH:And you want me to apologise?
GOATEE:Yes.
NANCY:Mrs Birdie, this is Finch. Say hello.
BIRDIE:Raark! Squerg! Worrk! Skraaa!
FINCH:Hmm. Yes. Uh, Graak! Raark, raark, blerk! Snark-grark!
DIF:What did she say to you, Finch?
FINCH:“Good morning, Speaker-Bunny. I am very sad”.
DIF:And what did you say to her?
FINCH:“Greetings, Mrs Birdie. We are sorry about your nest and your eggs. It was not our fault. Our vehicle was being controlled by a nasty villainess who doesn’t like us. If there’s anything we can do to make up for destroying your home and killing your unborn children, just ask. I do hope you can forgive us all. We’re terribly upset about the whole affair”.
BIRDIE:Squawk! Tweet-tweet, blark! Rorgle-orgle raark! Erk, erk! Glaggle-aggle, shweeek! Merrck! Whipple! Whipple! Blunk! Croo! Floonblark! Mee-oogle snort! Raark­raark, mugark... glook! Glook! Trargg! Shweeek, week! Grortsniffie bl’gonk!
LASHER:So, what did she say?
FINCH:“Perhaps I might he permitted to stay in your Rock Nest until I can build myself a new home”.
LASHER:What? That hideous wretch living in our Cavern and squawking all night? No way! Never! Out of the question!
GOATEE:Fine. She can move in with us.
FINCH:Good.
GLOCK:‘Rock Nest”, eh? Catchy name for the Link Cavern.
(Nancy gasps, as if in pain. Suddenly her eyes turn green.)
NANCY:Goat! It’s me, Oonf! Didn’t want to “snatch” Nancy, but I had to warn you!
GOATEE:Oonf? What are you doing in Nancy’s body?
NANCY:It was the only way to contact you! We’ve been captured by a wicked witch! She’s -- Unngh!
(Nancy collapses and the green fades from her eyes.)
GOATEE:Nancy? Oonf?
NANCY:Ouch! Oonf’s gone. Somebody clobbered him!
GOATEE:Can you track his psi-print?
NANCY:I think so.
GOATEE:We have to follow quickly. Finch, I want that Birdie character to carry you and Lasher.
FINCH:Snerk! Raark!
BIRDIE:Shweet!
FINCH:Good!
LASHER:Great. Riding on the back of a psychopathic pteranadon.
GOATEE:Nance, you can use your TK to fly, and carry Dif. I can use my magic to levitate myself and Glock. Now let’s go! The others are in trouble!
(Nancy’s TK field envelops Dif and Nancy, who take off into the sky and zoom off to the East. Finch and Lasher climb onto Mrs Birdie’s back. Mrs Birdie also takes off and follows Nancy and Dif.)
GOATEE:Summelf Ummand Glummock Ilummeye Nummow!
(Goatee and Glock rise into the air and follow. Cut to deep within the dark forest entered by Oonf and his team. A small cottage can be seen. It looks very witch-­inhabited. Black and creepy. Cut to the interior. A typical witch’s cottage. In a large cage are Oonf (unconscious), Hoppy, Skend and Ferdie. Watching them stands an ugly old hag of a black cat in standard witch-wear. On a cluttered table next to a bucket of smelly old water a stick of incense is lit.)
WITCH:Don’t bother to attempt escape, my little pretties.
SKEND:You’ll pay for thumping Oonf like that, bitch!
WITCH:No, no, it’s “Witch”. With a W, not a B.
FERDIE:I’ll slag the bars of the cage. Hoppy, you blast the old hag.
WITCH:No, I’m sorry. Your fancy powers won’t work. My special incense inhibits your superhuman abilities.
FERDIE:Oh, brilliant. “TCFG” scent, is it?
WITCH:I don’t understand your odd colloquialisms, little pretty. But that doesn’t matter. I’m just going to cook you and eat you.
HOPPY:Just gets better, eh?
FERDIE:If Oonf was awake, he could enter her body and make her remove the incense.
HOPPY:But the incense cancels our powers --
FERDIE:Yes, but Oonf’s part Nunklon - his bodysnatching ability is natural to his race. His BFD power is being able to bodysnatch without killing his victims.
WITCH:Stop this chattering!
HOPPY:Says who, wrinkle-puss?
WITCH:Says I! Hagglejowls Pusschefus, All-Mighty Witch!
HOPPY:Oh, bog off and let us go!
WITCH:Anger me not, pretty! I have a rather short temper.
HOPPY:I expect you’ve also got a rather short list of friends, if this is the way you treat them all.
WITCH:I’ve got lots of friends! Heaps!
FERDIE:Oh yeah? Name one.
WITCH:There’s... there’s old Mister Gracklepox, from the other side of the forest. He’s my friend.
HOPPY:I bet he doesn’t even know you exist.
WITCH:Well... I’ve got other friends! Joan, the pigeon from around the corner, and young Matilda - she’s my sister’s granddaughter, she’s --
HOPPY:Oh, shut the fuck up, you daft old bint! You’re mad!
WITCH:I’m not mad!
SKEND:You’re insane! You’re bonkers! You’re a loony! You’re bloody deranged! You’re a few episodes short of a season!
WITCH:I’m perfectly sane! And I do have friends!
SKEND:I don’t care if you’ve got rabies! You’re a flippin’ psycho! Now set us free, or we’ll get angry!
WITCH:Stop it! You’re just trying to make me upset!
SKEND:Bugger this. Hopper, tear the door off the cage and free us.
HOPPY:I don’t think I’m quite up to that sort of thing, sorry.
FERDIE:Don’t happen to have a photon bazooka with you?
HOPPY:Uh... no. I assumed that I’d he able to use my powers if we ran into trouble.
WITCH:Stop talking! Sit there in silence and fear me! I’m going to eat you!
FERDIE:Ah, yes... eat us, eh? Right. Eat me first.
SKEND:Hello? Have you flipped your snotty little pyro lid? What are you playing at, Mal John Tom Chris Ferdinand Bunny?
FERDIE:Ignore my brothers and sister, Miss Witch. I don’t mind being eaten. You can cook me right now, if you like.
WITCH:That’s what I like to see, my pretty. Right.
(Being careful that none of the others are able to escape, the witch allows Ferdie to climb out of the cage. She leads him over to her oven, the door of which she opens.)
WITCH:Good. Pop yourself in, then.
(With one swift kick, Ferdie boots the witch into the oven and slams the door shut.)
FERDIE:There. Easy.
(He grabs a bucket of smelly old water and dumps it over the incense.)
FERDIE:Our powers should return within minutes.
(Suddenly, from outside somewhere, we hear Dif yelling.)
DIF’S VOICE:Bump-a-dump-a-dah! Good guys to the rescue!
(Mrs Birdie (carrying Lasher and Finch) smashes through the ceiling, landing in a heap next to the cage. Nanny and Dif are not far behind.)
LASHER:Hands up anyone who needs to be rescued from a nasty witch.
(She looks round at Ferdie, Hoppy, Skend and Oonf (who is now waking up). She is disappointed that no-one raises their hand. Ferdie unlocks the cage. Hoppy, Skend and Oonf climb out.)
LASHER:Oh. Everything’s under control then, I take it?
(Goatee and Glock enter.)
GLOCK:Did we miss the fun?
DIF:Apparently.
GLOCK:Bummer.
FINCH:Skend, Oonf, Hop, Ferdie, I’d like to introduce you all to our new companion, Mrs Birdie. She’s going to be staying with us for a while.
HOPPY:Cool.
LASHER:Cool? The scraggy old sparrow tries to bite my head off and all my twin sister has to say is “Cool”?
FINCH:Get over it.
GOATEE:So where’s the witch Oonf told us about?
FERDIE:She’s... .... busy. Busy ... inspecting the interior of her oven.
SKEND:Yes. You see, she’s ... only a part-time witch. Her real job is ... as an oven inspector.
GOATEE:Ah. I think I understand.
HOPPY:So let’s jet. This place gives me the creeps.
GOATEE:Right. Back to the Rock Nest.
OONF’S TEAM:The what?
GOATEE:Um... the Link Cavern. Fliers, take a passenger.
(Hoppy and Lasher are lifted into the sky by a carefully controlled blast of wind produced by Hoppy’s powers. Nancy uses her TK to lift herself and Dif. Skend hops onto Mrs Birdie with Finch.)
GOATEE:Let’s .... yes, I thought so.
(Goatee picks up the witch’s broom.)
GOATEE:I knew she had to have one. C’mon. Glock, Ferdie, Oonf. We’re brooming.
FERDIE:You don’t expect us to ride on a witch’s flying broom?
GOATEE:You got a problem with that, Mal-John?
FERDIE:No, Ma’am.
(Glock, Oonf and Ferdie slide onto the broom behind Goatee.)
GOATEE:Hold on tight.
(...!)
GOATEE:Not that tight, Spielberg.
(The broom takes off. Everyone flies off toward the Link Cavern/Rock Nest. Cut to the inside of the Cavern. BB hears a knock at the door. She climbs the flight of stairs to the hatch.)
BAIK-BAIK:Who’s there?
GOATEE’S VOICE:It’s us, BB.
BAIK-BAIK:Prove it. I’m not letting you in until I’m certain you’re not impostors.
LASHER’S VOICE:Oh, open the door, you stupid bitch!
BAIK-BAIK:Whoops. That’s Lasher all right. Must be that time of week. She always gets a bit grumpy.
LASHER:Just open the bloody door!
(BB opens the door, only to be faced by the rather imposing (and pretty darn frightening to the unaccustomed) form of Mrs Birdie.)
BIRDIE:Raark! Tweet!
(BB screams.)
BAIK-BAIK:Holy walrus-shit! A fucking monster!
(Goatee emerges from behind Birdie, carrying the broom.)
GOATEE:Hold it, Beeb. It’s Mrs Birdie. She’s a friend of ours. She’s going to be moving in.
BAIK-BAIK:Wonderful. You’ll pardon me if I neglect to rejoice.
GOATEE:You missed a heap of fun. Oonf’s team were captured by a wicked witch, but Ferdie tricked her into setting him free and he pushed her into the oven.
BAIK-BAIK:What a startlingly original method of witch-elimination.
GOATEE:I scored a flying broom. It’s cool. And I also nabbed this.
(Goatee produces a large, dusty old book.)
GOATEE:“May McKizzack’s Quite Big Book of Magic Spells”. I can learn heaps of stuff.
BAIK-BAIK:I’m happy for you.
GOATEE:Good.
FINCH:C’mon, Mrs Birdie. I’ll show you to your room.
BIRDIE:Skrark???
FINCH:Oh, yeah, sorry. I meant “Raark, tweet, ploogle-splark mergrunker”.
BIRDIE:Raark.
THE END

[1] Anti Nunklon Taskforce

[2] TD: Transdimensional Displacement

[3] EPS: Environmental Predicament Sensors

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