| SEASON SIX EPISODE ELEVEN | |
| WHY CAN'T THEY JUST JUMP OFF CLIFFS? | |
| (Howie's Post Office. Howie is standing behind the counter. Fuzzy enters, causing the bell on the door to ring.) | |
| FUZZY: | Morning, How. Anything for me today? |
| HOWIE: | Yep. A parcel just arrived. I think it's from your father. |
| FUZZY: | Oh. Where is it? |
| HOWIE: | Just outside. |
| (We follow Fuzzy out of the building, ringing the bell again. Sitting gracefully outside the Post Office is a bloody huge starship with the words Insignificant Quest on the side, and an enormous card tied to it saying, in six-foot high letters, "To Dear Fuzzy, From Your Dad") | |
| FUZZY: | Coooool!! |
| (Cut back into the Post Office. Malvolio enters.) | |
| HOWIE: | Ah, Malvolio. Got a letter for you here from planet Glamp. |
| MALVOLIO: | Glamp ... ? Who do I know on planet ... Glamp!! |
| (Outside, quite a crowd has gathered around the Quest. Abbie, Westminster, Pirica, Quette, Mal, Laff, Muncher, etc.) | |
| ABBIE: | It's very nice, Fuzzy. |
| MAL: | Yeah. Probably not as good as the Crash, but ... |
| PIRICA: | You shameless flatterer. Well, it's either that, or you recognise damn good craftsbunnyship when you see it ... I mean, let's face it, the Tonsilcrash was the best starship ever build in the history of the entire universe. |
| WESTMINSTER: | The waves of modesty radiating from Pirica's splendid monologue are nearly enough to fell even me. |
| ABBIE: | Westminster! |
| (Malvolio runs out of the Post Office, holding an opened letter. He bolts down the main street, yelling ecstatically,) | |
| MALVOLIO: | The Lemmings are coming! The Lemmings are coming! |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | What the hell is his problem? |
| (Selene and Malvolio's house. Selene is watching a Scavvie cartoon on TV. Malvolio rushes in.) | |
| MALVOLIO: | Sister! Sister! |
| SELENE: | What is it, Malvolio? I'm rather busy. As soon as this show is over I've got to go out to dig in the garden and look at rattlers. |
| MALVOLIO: | Listen! I just got a letter from Neddy and Thelma! They're coming to visit! |
| SELENE: | The Lemmings are coming? |
| MALVOLIO: | Yes! |
| (Selene leaps out of her seat and they both do a little dance of joy.) | |
| BOTH: | The Lemmings are coming, the Lemmings are coming!! |
| (Cut to the Yoople City airport (yeah, I know, it was never there before. It's a rapidly expanding city).The two yaks, Fuzzy, Sasha, Laff, Abbie, Earless, Gumman.) | |
| FUZZY: | When did you say they were due? |
| MALVOLIO: | About eleven. |
| GUMMAN: | Here it comes! |
| (A 747 is approaching the runway.) | |
| LAFF: | What a nice plane. |
| EARLESS: | Nice? Ha! I don't think it's very nice! I don't like aeroplanes at all! |
| SELENE: | Oh? |
| EARLESS: | How do you think I lost my ears? |
| SASHA: | If you don't be giving up with the stupid anecdotes, I'm gonna tell you how you're going to lose your kidneys! |
| (The plane lands. The door opens, and two porcupines (one male, one female) in typical American tourist garb, come out.Selene and Malvolio rush forward to embrace the visitors.) | |
| MALVOLIO: | Thelma! |
| SELENE: | Neddy! |
| NEDDY: | And hello to you, young yak-friends! |
| Thelma : | Howdy, little buddies! |
| SELENE: | Fuzzy, everyone, these are our friends, Neddy and Thelma Lemming. |
| EARLESS: | "Lemming"? But they're bloody hedgehogs, not lemmings! |
| ABBIE: | Porcupines. |
| EARLESS: | Uh ... that's what I meant. "They're hedgehogs, not porcupines". Nice to meet you, Mister and Mrs Porcupine. |
| ABBIE: | Lemming! |
| EARLESS: | Sorry. "They're Lemmings, not porcupines. Nice to meet you, Mr and Mrs Hedgehog." |
| LAFF: | Old fool. |
| FUZZY: | On behalf of myself and my friends, I would like to welcome you both to Yoople City, Rapidly Expanding Jewel of the Not-Actually-On-A-Coast-At-All Coast of Yoople Five, the Glorious Nothing-But-Grass-And-A-Couple-Of-Hills Planet. Some call me ... Fuzzy. |
| SASHA: | We are Queen Sasha of the Nerpalon System. We are pleased to make your acquaintance. Bug us and we'll pound you. |
| ABBIE: | Sasha using a Royal We? How odd. |
| NEDDY: | Lovely to be here! We just flew in from Glamp, and boy, are our arms tired! Ha! Ha!! |
| ABBIE: | What brings you to this quadrant? |
| THELMA: | We needed a fresh new venue for our favourite hobby. |
| LAFF: | Let me guess ... jumping off things, right? |
| NEDDY: | Heavens, no! Stabbing roosters and using their feathers to tickle virgin wallabies. And we've run out of roosters on Glamp. And the virgin wallaby population is thinning quickly, too. When they hear us coming, they've learnt to grab the nearest animal and have a quick snorb with it. So we've come here. |
| ABBIE: | I'm afraid I've some bad news for you. This planet was, until we arrived, uninhabited. There's no roosters or wallabies at all. Only bunnies, Dropoffs, Gods, Yaks, Chainsaws, Bushrats, a Walrus, and a Stuffed Toy Dinosaur With A Floppy Neck. |
| LAFF: | It's not his fault. |
| ABBIE: | Heck, we don't have many virgin anythings. Admittedly, there are a few ... well ... two. |
| FUZZY: | More than that! |
| ABBIE: | Well, yes, but ... Bunniquette's presence officially detracts several virgins from the tally. She's ... experienced. |
| EARLESS: | I can think of better words. |
| ABBIE: | Well, you'd better not say them! This is a family show! |
| EARLESS: | Like fuck it is! |
| THELMA: | Well, that poots! How flonqingly sad! |
| NEDDY: | You there, sweetie ... |
| (He grabs Abbie and shakes her hand enthusiastically.) | |
| NEDDY: | You wouldn't mind dressing up as a rooster, would you? For your Uncle Neddy? |
| THELMA: | And this handsome chap ... Floozy, I think he said his name was -- |
| FUZZY: | Fuzzy!! |
| THELMA: | Fuzzy, yes, I'm sure he could pass as a wallaby, if Neddy and I squint a bit ... |
| (She screws up her eyes and looks utterly ridiculous.) | |
| FUZZY: | Louise! |
| SASHA: | I will not have my subjects - or my husband - dressing up as roosters and virgin wallabies with the express purpose of being stabbed and tickled. |
| NEDDY: | Phooey. |
| SASHA: | I am perilously close to becoming angry, Lemmings. Do not push me, or I will dismember you and feast on your flesh. |
| THELMA: | ... That could be fun ... |
| NEDDY: | Uh-huh, uh-huh ... Shall we try it, my little rooster-cake? |
| THELMA: | It certainly think the idea has merit -- |
| (Sasha blasts them with a magical force bolt.) | |
| NEDDY: | Woo! That was most enjoyable! Perhaps we should take up a new hobby, dear! |
| THELMA: | Being magically toaster-caked by bunny queens? Oh, yes! |
| (Selene and Malvolio's house. The yaks and the porcupines are sitting down having a cup of tea. Four, actually. They've got one each.) | |
| NEDDY: | It is a shame you don't have any roosters or virgin wallabies. |
| THELMA: | Still, the trip wasn't a total waste. |
| SELENE: | We'll start packing as soon as we finish our tea. |
| (The UBF base conference room. Fuzzy, Westminster, Earless, Jetty, Gumpity.) | |
| EARLESS: | Bloody idiots, that's what they are. Stabbing roosters and tickling virgin wallabies! It's almost as stupid as digging in the garden and looking at rattlers! |
| JETTY: | You must learn to be more tolerant of other people's beliefs, Mr Cleveland. I am sure that they -- |
| EARLESS: | Oh, shut up. Bloody Dropoffs. Not an ounce of sense in them. |
| (Jetty decks him.) | |
| EARLESS: | ...Groan ... no manners, either! |
| FUZZY: | I must admit, I'm not too sure about Mr and Mrs Lemming myself. They seem a little ... strange. |
| WESTMINSTER: | You don't say? They sound like jolly weirdos to me! |
| FUZZY: | Jet's right, though. We have to respect their ... eccentricities. |
| (Mal comes in.) | |
| MAL: | Guess what! The Lemming are leaving! And the Yaks are going with them!! |
| WEST, EARLESS: | Yay! At last! No more ya-aks, no more ya-aks!! |
| GUMPITY: | You'll both obviously be sorry to see them go. |
| EARLESS: | I'd be sorrier to see a lake of mellifluous dog shit go! That's how sorry I'll be! |
| WESTMINSTER: | Given a choice, I'd sooner live with Ghengis Khan and Pauline Hanson than those docile yak-wits! |
| FUZZY: | They'll be deeply touched by your heart-warming farewells, I'm sure. |
| EARLESS: | They'll be deeply touched by my bullwhip if they hang around much longer, that's what! |
| GUMPITY: | Why do you hate yaks so much, Mr Cleveland? Did you have an unpleasant experience with a yak in your childhood or something? |
| EARLESS: | Of course I did! How do you think I -- |
| (Fuzzy slams a knife into Earless's stomach. Blood goes everywhere.) | |
| FUZZY: | I think things are starting to return to normal around here. |
| (After a few moments of silence, he notices that everyone is looking at him and Earless, in shock.) | |
| FUZZY: | Oh ... don't worry. He'll be fine. |
| (Over the credits we hear:) | |
| ABBIE VO: | Bye, Selene! Bye, Malvolio! |
| GUMPITY VO: | Later, guys! Have a nice time! |
| FUZZY VO: | We'll miss you! |
| SELENE VO: | Good bye, everyone! |
| MALVOLIO VO: | Bye! |
| (We hear a plane taking off.) | |
| WESTMINSTER VO: | Well, thank goodness they're finally gone! |
| EARLESS VO: | I'll say! Yaks are so bloody annoying! |
| ANASTASIA VO: | And that fur! Stink city, or what? |
| EARLESS VO: | Tell me about it! And you ever notice how all they ever wore the whole time we knew them was their swimming costumes? |
| ANASTASIA VO: | A yak in a bikini ... get me a bucket! |
Onward to Episode twelve!
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