| WILLITS GUMMAN AND THE YOOPLE CITY DOCTORS in THE RANZBOG CONFERENCE | ||
| (Doctor Gumman’s surgery, Yoople City. Gumman is in there, reading the latest Crombunkle’s. There’s a knock at the door and Howie enters, in his Postman uniform.) | ||
| HOWIE: | Morning, Gumman. | |
| GUMMAN: | Anything for me? | |
| HOWIE: | A letter from Taildale. | |
| GUMMAN: | Ooh! | |
| (Howie hands Gumman a letter.) | ||
| GUMMAN: | Thanks. | |
| HOWIE: | See you later. | |
| (Howie exits.) | ||
| GUMMAN: | Now who could this be from? | |
| (He opens the letter and begins to read.) | ||
| GUMMAN: | “Dear Willits ... how are you ... long time ... conference ... friends ... signed ...” -- oh, my! Good heavens! Veronica Mae! | |
| (Cut to Skunky’s surgery. She is in there. Gumman rushes in.) | ||
| SKUNKY: | Hi, Willits. What’s up? | |
| GUMMAN: | I just got a letter! | |
| SKUNKY: | Well, good for you! | |
| GUMMAN: | Huh -- ? Oh, you silly! Now listen! It’s from my childhood sweetheart, Doctor Veronica Mae Damnable. She’s invited me to attend a Universal Medical Practitioners’ Conference in the Ranzbog System in a few days! | |
| SKUNKY: | You’ve been invited to the Ranzbog Conference? Whoa! Every doctor prays to be invited to that! | |
| GUMMAN: | Yup! And she said I could bring any other doctors I know! | |
| SKUNKY: | You don’t mean -- | |
| GUMMAN: | I do! You and I are going to Ranzbog! | |
| SKUNKY: | Yay! Oh ... can we bring Mac? | |
| GUMMAN: | Uh ... pardon? | |
| SKUNKY: | McKoohinky. Can McKoohinky come? | |
| GUMMAN: | But he’s an Anastasian! And he’s not even a proper doctor! | |
| SKUNKY: | He’s a brilliant biochemist. He’d love to come. | |
| GUMMAN: | Out of the question! Never! I absolutely refuse to allow him to accompany us. | |
| (Cut to Pirica’s UBF office. Pirica, Gumman, Skunky, Mac.) | ||
| GUMMAN: | What a cheap joke. | |
| PIRICA: | I’m sure the Ranzbog Conference will be a wonderful experience for all three of you. But ... I must warn you ... Bullocksnap recently informed me of suspected Rhino activity in the Ranzbog System. So be careful. And take your weapons. | |
| GUMMAN: | Take our weapons? To a doctor convention? Why the heck would we need our weapons? | |
| PIRICA: | Because I don’t want you being shot to pieces by Cameroon Congo Zaire, that’s why! | |
| (With a tear of joy in his eye, Gumman says, quite genuinely:) | ||
| GUMMAN: | Pirica, I never knew you cared! | |
| PIRICA: | I don’t. But if you three end up dead, I have to hire a new doctor. | |
| GUMMAN: | When I get my hands on that Oyster guy ... grr! | |
| SKUNKY: | So how do we get to Ranzbog, Admiral DeBunny? | |
| PIRICA: | Well ... the Stair is busy so ... I’ll ask Gumpity to take you in his Dino-Cruiser. | |
| (Cut to the planet Ranzbog. A huge convention hall. Gumpity’s Dino-Cruiser lands outside. Cut to the cockpit of the Dino-Cruiser. Gump, Gumman, Skunky, Mac.) | ||
| GUMPITY: | Have a nice time! I’ll pick you up tomorrow afternoon when the conference ends. | |
| SKUNKY: | Thanks, Gump. | |
| (Cut to exterior: convention hall. We see the three doctors coming out of the Dino-Cruiser. Gumman is carrying his briefcase. Skunky has a large leather handbag. Mac is wearing a huge trenchcoat with even huger pockets.) | ||
| GUMMAN: | Well ... here we are! The famous Ranzbog Convention Centre! Get ready for the greatest medical conference you’ll ever attend! Oh, yes, and ... any trouble from you, Anastasian, and I’ll beat the amniotic fluid out of you. | |
| MAC: | Jeez, I’ll behave myself, already! Can’t you keep that old Granny-chaser on a leash, Draino? | |
| GUMMAN: | Grr! | |
| (Cut to the lobby of the convention centre. Dozens of doctors milling around. Our heroes enter. Gumman is greeted by a fairly attractive woman bunny in her late forties.) | ||
| WOMAN BUNNY: | Willits! | |
| GUMMAN: | Veronica! | |
| MAC: | Ah ... so this is Doctor Damnable. | |
| SKUNKY: | My name is Draino Skunky, Doctor Damnable. I’m very pleased to meet you. | |
| DAMNABLE: | Ah, the renowned Doctor Skunky! One of the universe’s top UBF agents, I’m told. | |
| MAC: | And I am Baron Oligarchy McKoohinky ... but you can call me Mac. | |
| GUMMAN: | “Baron Oligarchy”? | |
| DAMNABLE: | McKoohinky? The McKoohinky? | |
| GUMMAN: | You’ve heard of him? | |
| DAMNABLE: | Not the McKoohinky who trained under Doctor Stanley Crombunkle? | |
| GUMMAN: | What? You were taught by the most respected doctor in the universe? | |
| (Smugly, Mac says:) | ||
| MAC: | Not just taught. Raised. | |
| GUMMAN: | Raised?!! | |
| MAC: | My parents were poor, and couldn’t look after me. They left me on Doctor Crombunkle’s doorstep, and he adopted me. | |
| SKUNKY: | Why didn’t you tell us, Mac? Imagine! You being the adopted son of the man who started up the universe’s foremost medical journal! | |
| MAC: | No big deal. | |
| DAMNABLE: | Anyway ... the conference is about to start ... let’s go into the lecture theatre. | |
| (Cut to an enormous, empty lecture theatre. Gumman, Skunky and Mac enter, and take their seats. They are followed by Doctor Damnable.) | ||
| MAC: | Tell me, Doctor Damnable ... something’s been puzzling me since we got here. It’s only March, and the Ranzbog Conference is usually held in May. Why the change? | |
| DAMNABLE: | Why the change? Ha, ha! There is no change! This isn’t really the conference! This is a trap, set by me and ... my husband, Cameroon Congo Zaire! | |
| (All the doctors who had been waiting outside come in, and rip off their masks. They’re all rhinos. Once they’re in, the doors slam and lock.) | ||
| GUMMAN: | Betrayed by my childhood sweetheart! | |
| (Cameroon Congo Zaire approaches them.) | ||
| ZAIRE: | Now we have you, little doctors! You will be annihilated, and the Fuzzyites will wither and die, deprived of their medical officers! | |
| GUMMAN: | Draino ... McKoohinky ... I think we’re in trouble. | |
| ZAIRE: | Prepare to be massacred! | |
| MAC: | No way! | |
| (Mac produces his fighting staff – a six-foot long syringe.) | ||
| MAC: | We’ll fight you to the last rhino! | |
| (Eight rhinos charge Mac. With a flick of his wrist, he throws eight tiny syringes at them, yelling:) | ||
| MAC: | Syringe Missile Attack!! | |
| (Each rhino collapses as the syringes stab them.) | ||
| MAC: | Ha! Toaster-caked ’em! | |
| (Another rhino lunges at Skunky, but Gumman yells:) | ||
| GUMMAN: | Stethoscope Rope Trip! | |
| (and lassos the rhino with his stethoscope, tripping the villain. Meanwhile Mac is using his staff to fight off more rhinos. Faced with more foes of his own, Gumman produces a heap of teabags. And arms them. As he lobs them at the rhinos, he calls out:) | ||
| GUMMAN: | Teabag Grenade Blizzard! | |
| (The teabag grenades blow the heck out of the rhinos. Not far away, Skunky is surrounded.) | ||
| SKUNKY: | You boys and your melodramatics! Fancy weapons, ridiculous battle-cries! I prefer a more simple approach. | |
| (She unholsters her blaster and fries her opponents.) | ||
| ZAIRE: | Curses! My minions are defeated! | |
| DAMNABLE: | We must flee, husband! | |
| GUMMAN: | Damn you, Doctor Damnable! Marrying a rhino! You promised to save yourself for me! | |
| MAC: | No woman would save lobotomy coupons for you, never mind saving themselves. And besides, why would you want Doctor Damnable? You’ve got a crush on P-- | |
| (Gumman slams a bedpan down on Mac’s head.) | ||
| GUMMAN: | Shut up! How do you know? | |
| MAC: | Oh ... Oyster told me ... | |
| GUMMAN: | Oyster told you? Grr! Who ... who else knows? | |
| MAC: | Oh, just me. | |
| DAMNABLE: | Quickly, Cameroon, while they argue amongst themselves ... | |
| (Cameroon Congo Zaire throws down a smoke bomb.) | ||
| SKUNKY: | …cough, cough… -- Oh, no! They’re escaping! | |
| (When the smoke clears, Doctor Damnable and all of the rhinos are gone.) | ||
| GUMMAN: | Bugger. Let this be a lesson to you both: never trust a doctor. | |
| (Mac folds his arms. Skunky puts her hands on her hips. Somewhat sourly, they say:) | ||
| SKUNKY & MAC: | Thanks. | |
| GUMMAN: | Let’s blow this popsicle surgery, kids. | |
| MAC: | Oh? Like how? The Gumpster won’t be here until, like, more than twenty-four hours from now. | |
| GUMMAN: | So we improvise. Um ... anyone got a quarter for the payphone in the lobby? | |
| SKUNKY: | Money? Haven’t needed to carry money in months. When you’re travelling with the king and queen of the universe, you don’t need ready cash. | |
| MAC: | Show me to this payphone. I’ll soon get the thing going without throwing a coin in. | |
| GUMMAN: | You hotwire payphones? | |
| MAC: | I can start anything. Cars, phones, lawnmowers, unplugged TVs, broken toasters, anything. No operating mechanism can confound my talents. | |
| GUMMAN: | So let’s go! One quick call to Gumpity or Pirica, and we’re outta here! | |
| (Suddenly there is a loud noise. Someone is trying to beat down the door and get in.) | ||
| SKUNKY: | Who could that be? | |
| MAC: | This could be trouble. | |
| (There is a small explosion, and the doors are blown off their hinges. Standing outside them is Gumpity, holding his blaster. A seemingly lifeless body is cradled in his arms.) | ||
| SKUNKY: | Gumpity! | |
| GUMMAN: | What are you doing back here so soon? | |
| GUMPITY: | Quick! You have to save him! | |
| (He indicates the body he’s carrying. As he steps closer, we see who it is.) | ||
| GUMPITY: | I just found him floating unconscious in space! | |
| THE 3 DOCTORS: | Fuzzy! | |
| (Yep. It’s Fuzzy, in his Captain Tricky uniform.) | ||
| (End.) | ||
| OYSTER AND ANASTASIA in RETURN TO HELL | ||
| (Ralph’s restaurant. Behind the bar is Ralph. Seated in the restaurant are Oyster, Sasha, Pirica, Abbie, Muncher, Hoppy, and Anastasia.) | ||
| HOPPY: | Another round of carrot daiquiris, Ralph! | |
| RALPH: | On their way, Hoppy! | |
| SASHA: | I am being very unimpressed by the behaviour of the goddess Inin Hibbisha. Where can Fuzzy be? | |
| OYSTER: | We’ll find him, oh sister-in-law of mine. Shouldn’t take more than, oh, six or eight years. | |
| SASHA: | Oh! | |
| (Sasha is, surprise, surprise, very close to tears.) | ||
| ANASTASIA: | You really know how to cheer up a grieving widow, don’t you, demon-boy? | |
| SASHA: | Widow? Ohh! Wail! | |
| OYSTER: | Yeah. I’m almost as good as you, Troublemaker. | |
| ANASTASIA: | Well, at least I -- | |
| OYSTER: | Squawk pops! Garbage bunker, here comes the root canal! | |
| ANASTASIA: | I ... beg your pardon? | |
| HOPPY: | Another weirdness seizure. I thought he was over those. | |
| OYSTER: | Death! Blood! Circles of Eternal Torment! Round and round, round and round! Woo-hoo! Say ... Say ... Satan! Wouch! Pieces of eight, pieces of eight! Please hold my poultry rod, I think the Winds are coming! | |
| PIRICA: | Oyst, honey, are you okay? | |
| OYSTER: | Tweet, tweet, pal! | |
| (Oyster blows his Stair Whistle and the Stair appears.) | ||
| OYSTER: | Anyone for a game of Conquers? Look out, red guy! Powerbus is coming! Tickets, please! | |
| ANASTASIA: | He’s flipped! | |
| MUNCHER: | His demon powers must be -- | |
| (Suddenly Oyster is very serious, and looks quite frightening. Turning to Anastasia and pointing at her, he says grimly:) | ||
| OYSTER: | You! | |
| (He pushes her onto the Stair, then gets on himself, and they vanish.) | ||
| ABBIE: | Can’t we ever have a moment’s peace? Ever since Hoppy’s lot joined the crew of The Insectblanket, it’s been melodramatic tragedy after melodramatic tragedy! Deaths, diseases, failed love affairs, alien bodysnatchers ... | |
| HOPPY: | Are you blaming our highly exciting and never boring lifestyle on me? | |
| ABBIE: | No. Just saying. | |
| HOPPY: | Good. If you were blaming me, I’d have to punch you out. | |
| (Howie enters.) | ||
| HOWIE: | Admiral DeBunny? Doctor Gumman would like to see you in your office. Something about going to a medical conference. | |
| PIRICA: | Uh ... okay. I’ll be back soon, gang. | |
| (Pirica and Howie leave.) | ||
| HOPPY: | It is very unusual for Oyster to have such an excited fit as that one just now. Do you suppose he’s okay? | |
| MUNCHER: | How could he be okay? He just took off with Anastasia! | |
| HOPPY: | Yeah, well ... as long as he’s taken her off to be gutted and skinned, I’m comfortable with the situation. | |
| ABBIE: | I don’t think that’s likely. Mind you, with Oyster, you never can tell ... | |
| (In an extra big burst of flames, the Stair returns. Oyster stands atop it, looking terribly charismatic, in an almost frightening way. There is something different about him. Anastasia is at the bottom of the Stair, on her hands and knees, looking quite broken and defeated. She is wearing a really weird dress, a sort of odd ceremonial thing. Bits and pieces of weird stuff all over it.) | ||
| HOPPY: | Oyster! You’re back! Where were you? What happened to Anastasia? | |
| OYSTER: | Answer her, Troublemaker. | |
| ANASTASIA: | We ... we’ve been in Hell. For nearly three weeks, by Hellish time. | |
| MUNCHER: | Hell?! | |
| ANASTASIA: | Yes. Oyster’s demon powers were beginning to flare and become uncontrollable, and he instinctively returned to Hell to learn to stabilise them. What he didn’t know was that he would arrive in the middle of a huge civil war between certain factions in Hell. In one of his weirdness seizures, he ... got a bit carried away, and ... conquered the place! | |
| THE OTHERS: | What?! | |
| ANASTASIA: | Allow me to introduce you to ... Powerbus, Demon-King of Hell! | |
| HOPPY: | King of Hell?! Holy -- ! | |
| ANASTASIA: | Oh, the adventures we had! The Landing’s turned black, and we battled alongside the Royal Demon Guard, fighting against Valium’s goons. We met Hell’s most valiant freedom fighters, the Demons of Horrific Liberty: Church, and Tumulus, and Nectanebus, and Quaker, and Waldrada, and we -- | |
| OYSTER: | Tales for another time, Troublemaker. Let us retire. My conquest has left me drained. | |
| ANASTASIA: | Yes, My Lord. | |
| (Oyster and Anastasia exit, followed by the Stair.) | ||
| HOPPY: | This whole thing is really adged! | |
| MUNCHER: | Talk about strange! King! Wow! | |
| SASHA: | Perhaps now we will have access to the resources necessary to locate Fuzzy! | |
| HOPPY: | Yeah. Or else perhaps we’re in a shitload of trouble. We’re living in the same city as a guy who just dethroned Satan himself!! | |
| ABBIE: | It does seem rather ominous, doesn’t it? | |
| HOPPY: | Oh, you noticed? And the way Anastasia’s behaving ... all terrified curtsies and “yes, boss”. Totally unlike her. | |
| (Pirica returns.) | ||
| PIRICA: | I’m back. I sent Gumman and -- hey, why does everyone look so end-of-the-world? | |
| HOPPY: | Just wait ’til you hear what Oyster’s gone and done ... | |
| PIRICA: | Oh? What? | |
| HOPPY: | Well, apparently, he’s -- urk!! | |
| (Hoppy doubles over in pain, falling off her chair.) | ||
| ABBIE: | Hoppy! | |
| MUNCHER: | Hoppy! What’s wrong? | |
| HOPPY: | The pain! The -- the -- Disease!! | |
| (Hoppy loses consciousness. Abbie, Sash and Ric gasp in shock. Muncher looks on with concern, and with no idea about the “disease” to which Hoppy referred before passing out.) | ||
| PIRICA: | We have to get her to the hospital, fast! | |
| SASHA: | But you said that all the doctors are gone! | |
| PIRICA: | They are! We’ll have to take care of Hoppy ourselves! | |
| ABBIE: | But none of us has any medical training! We -- | |
| PIRICA: | Not true! I’m trained in first aid, and I have a little experience with these matters - specifically, with this very disease, remember? Muncher, Abbie, help me get Hoppy to the hospital. Sasha - run and get Hoppy’s UBF battlesuit! You know - the modified life support exo-skeleton! The one she was in when she was working for me and the Nunklons! | |
| SASHA: | Yes! | |
| PIRICA: | Now, Sasha! | |
| (Hoppy’s life hangs in the balance! Every second counts! The return of Fuzzy! The return of the Alien Disease! The return of Twitchy, the Boy Enema! Well ... two out of three ain’t bad.) | ||
| To be continued! (In Episode Four of The Fuzzy Bunny Show, Season Six, available at the link below.) |
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