| SEASON THREE, EPISODE FIVE. | |
| THE HIGHLY IMPROBABLE SEDUCTION OF FUZZY BUNNY. | |
| (The Malt Shoppe. Only one of the lights is on; it’s rather dark and a clock on the wall can be seen to say 11:48PM. Fuzzy walks in, exhausted, and sits on one of the stools by the counter. Anastasia enters.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | Goodness, you’re up late. |
| FUZZY: | It’s been a long day, and I just thought I’d come in here for a glass of carrot juice before I went to bed. |
| ANASTASIA: | Carrot juice? Live a little ... join me in a glass of champagne. |
| (Quite seriously and with no humour whatsoever intended, Fuzzy replied:) | |
| FUZZY: | I don’t think there’d be room for both of us. And besides, I don’t drink alcohol. |
| ANASTASIA: | It’s only champagne! It’s not as if I’m asking you to drown yourself in whiskey and spend the rest of your life in the gutter with an empty bottle. Come one ... just one glass. I hate to drink alone. |
| FUZZY: | Well... just one, then. |
| (Anastasia reaches behind the counter and produces a bottle of champagne and two glasses, which she quickly fills, passing one to Fuzzy. Taking a sip, she says:) | |
| ANASTASIA: | Drink up. It’s divine. |
| (Fuzzy takes a tiny sup and involuntarily winces.) | |
| FUZZY: | Ouch! It bit me! |
| ANASTASIA: | It might take you a couple of sips to get used to it. |
| FUZZY: | Right. |
| (He takes another sip and screws up his face again, though not to such an extent as before. Anastasia watches in amusement.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | So, Fuzzy... tell me about your life. |
| FUZZY: | My what? |
| ANASTASIA: | Your life. |
| FUZZY: | Yellow. With big pink squiggles on it. |
| ANASTASIA: | Pardon? |
| FUZZY: | And I’m not even going to scratch your ears. |
| (Cut to Anastasia’s room. The Easter Bunny is in there with the Stab-Stabs.) | |
| EASTER BUNNY: | The Duchess is preparing Fuzzy even as we speak. Provided you two don’t mess up again, everything should work according to plan from now on. |
| (Back to the Malt Shoppe with Fuzzy and Anastasia. Anastasia has three empty glasses in front of her, and Fuzzy is not yet halfway through his first.) | |
| FUZZY: | ... and then the monkey jumped up and ripped her ear off! |
| (He laughs so hard he nearly falls off his stool. Anastasia just smiles at him.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | How positively fascinating. So tell me, how did you come to meet Sasha and our ... father? |
| FUZZY: | Well, Loppy an Haff had just been kidnapped by aliens and we thoguht’d they eloped, and we stopped on Earth to resupply our plenishes, and we wented past Russia, and met your father and his daughter who’s not you but is other daughter who is your twin sister called Sasha. Maybe you’ve metted her. |
| ANASTASIA: | Yes. Now you finish off that glass - I think it’s gone flat - and I’ll refill it for you. |
| FUZZY: | O’course. |
| (He finishes the drink and Anastasia refills his glass. He instantly takes another sip, no longer wincing.) | |
| FUZZY: | But then Hoffy and Lapp camed backy, and wasn’t eloped at all, and Bunniquette had got a love with Mol ... um, Mell... Mal! Yeah, Mal. And Fuzzy fell into one with Sasha too. Sasha Uulamets, I mean. Do you know her. |
| ANASTASIA: | Ye - es ... she’s my twin sister, remember? |
| FUZZY: | Yeah. Twine-sitters. Yeah. And Christopher Rabber was of a clothes place, and had a sea-lion -- no, it was a Port Jackson Shark ... or maybe it could have been a thingo, you know, a penguin, or an albatross -- |
| ANASTASIA: | A walrus. |
| FUZZY: | ‘s what I said. A wall-us. |
| ANASTASIA: | Are you feeling all right, Fuzzy? |
| FUZZY: | ...No. I feels excessively happy. |
| (He lowers his head onto Anastasia’s shoulder and almost instantly falls asleep.)] | |
| ANASTASIA: | A perfect beginning to a perfect plot. |
| (Cut to the kitchen. Lennie and Westminster are making pancakes.) | |
| LENNIE: | ... and I don’t know who it was who left the Malt Shoppe in such a state last night! When I went in there this morning, there was rubbish everywhere. Someone had a bottle of champagne and left a whole bunch of glasses sitting around on the counter, and didn’t even throw away the empty bottle. |
| (Fuzzy enters, clutching his head.) | |
| FUZZY: | It was me. I think. I, uh ... stayed up late talking to Anastasia? She went to be before me, and I ... think I might have had a little too much to drink after she left? Yes, that sounds right. |
| WESTMINSTER: | But you don’t drink at all! |
| FUZZY: | I do now. I seem to have acquired a taste for champagne. |
| WESTMINSTER: | Really? What kind of champagne? |
| FUZZY: | The kind with champagne in it. Lennieeeeee ... tell me how to cure one of those hangover things. Pleeeease, Lennieeeeee? |
| (Cut to the dining room, where Abbie, Hoppy, Laff, Bunniquette, Rabbo, Gumman, Uulamets, Sasha, Anastasia and Tessa are sitting, waiting for breakfast. Fuzzy, Lennie, and Westminster enter, carrying the pancakes, which they place on the table. Everyone begins to eat.) | |
| SASHA: | You do not look to be healthy, Fuzzy. |
| FUZZY: | Just a little headache, is all. I didn’t get much sleep last night. |
| SASHA: | You work too hard. |
| (Cut to the Malt Shoppe. It’s dark again, and the clock says 11:43PM. Fuzzy is sitting there alone. Anastasia enters.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | I thought I might find you here again tonight. I haven’t seen you since breakfast. |
| FUZZY: | I’ve been in my room, sleeping off last night’s champagne incident. |
| ANASTASIA: | You had a hangover this morning. Yet you’ve come back for more. |
| FUZZY: | Yes, I have, haven’t I? |
| (Anastasia opens another bottle of champagne. Fuzzy quite happily accepts the drink that she offers him. They drink in silence for a few moments. Cut to Anastasia’s room. The Easter Bunny.) | |
| EASTER BUNNY: | Right. Tonight is the night. By morning, Christopher Rabbo and Bunniquette O’Bunbun will be dead |
| (Back to Anna and Fuzzy. The bottle is nearly empty.) | |
| FUZZY: | ... but with a turtle! Can you believe it? And the whatsit was purple, not seven! Too many handbags, tha’s what I say. |
| ANASTASIA: | And you were going to marry Pirica? |
| FUZZY: | Who? |
| ANASTASIA: | Pirica. DeBunny. The one who was running the UBF for the Nunklons. The one who hates me for absolutely no reason. |
| FUZZY: | Oh! Y’mean Pirica DeBunny. Well, she was running the UBF for the Nunkles ... the, um, Nonklies, and, uh, she hates you. Yeah. Was gonna marriage her. Runned away, but. She got to the church and my daddy said to her, “Sorry, thingo, but whatshisname’s nicket off and doesn’t want to see you. ‘Cause he’s in a spaceship now”. And Pirica wented to join a convent school called Paint Wafflesop’s School for Bady Lunnies. And that’s where she met you. Maybe you’ve ... been there? |
| ANASTASIA: | Yes, I have. |
| FUZZY: | Anastasia... |
| ANASTASIA: | Yes, Fuzzy? |
| FUZZY: | Anastasia ... am I saying stupid things? |
| ANASTASIA: | Yes, dear. You’re blind drunk. Quite good on only a glass and a half of non-alcoholic champagne. |
| FUZZY: | You sway the seetest things. |
| (He clumsily leans over and hugs her, almost spilling her champagne in the process.) | |
| FUZZY: | Anastasia... |
| ANASTASIA: | Yes, Fuzzy? |
| FUZZY: | Anastasia ... will you be my friend? |
| ANASTASIA: | Yes, Fuzzy. For ever and ever. |
| (Fuzzy falls asleep in her arms.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | Or until you die. |
| (Cut to the dining table at breakfast the next morning. The entire crew is seated except Bunniquette, Rabbo and Fuzzy, who are nowhere to be seen.) | |
| ABBIE: | Does anyone know what’s keeping Fuzzy? |
| ANASTASIA: | I ... think he had another rough night. |
| (Cut to Anastasia’s room. The Easter Bunny is sitting on the bed. Running water, and Anastasia’s voice, can be heard from the en suite.) | |
| ANASTASIA’S VOICE: | So did you finally get Rabbo and O’Bunbun? They didn’t come to breakfast. |
| EASTER BUNNY: | Well ... I disguised myself, so they wouldn’t recognise me, and I captured them, and gave them to the Stab-Stabs so our little ninja pals could kill them. I just got a report from Pommel. |
| ANASTASIA’S VOICE: | And? |
| EASTER BUNNY: | Rabbo’s been stabbed in the heart, injected with eighteen lethal poisons, and been shot in the head thirty-seven times. And he refuses to die. |
| ANASTASIA’S VOICE: | On what grounds? |
| EASTER BUNNY: | Says his life insurance isn’t paid up, and he doesn’t want Bunniquette to go broke after he dies. |
| ANASTASIA’S VOICE: | But they were supposed to kill her too! |
| EASTER BUNNY: | Gave me some “honourable ninja no kill defenceless maiden” crap. |
| ANASTASIA’S VOICE: | Well, it matters not. Let them live, for now. I’m concentrating on Plan B at the moment. And Fuzzy is co-operating perfectly. |
| EASTER BUNNY: | Right. Now ... are you nearly finished in the shower? I need to wash beetroot juice out of my ears. |
| (Cut to the Bridge. Hoppy, Laff, Abbie. Bunniquette and Rabbo enter.) | |
| HOPPY: | Hey! Where’ve you guys been? You missed breakfast. |
| RABBO: | Those two pesky ninjas had us tied up in the Porky Pig museum and were trying to kill us. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | It’s about time we had this place fumigated. |
| (Willits Gumman zooms in.) | |
| GUMMAN: | Then I’m the bunny for the job! “Willits Gumman, Pest Exterminator Extraordinaire”. What’ve you got? Cockroaches? Spiders? Ants? Pigeons? |
| RABBO AND ‘QUETTE: | Ninjas. |
| GUMMAN: | ... Ah. |
| LAFF: | But Gumman told us he’d sent the ninja bunnies off into space in the escape pod. How could they have got back? |
| RABBO: | Gumman lied. |
| GUMMAN: | “Lied” is such an unattractive word. “Crapped through my teeth”, perhaps. But “lied”? No. |
| (Fuzzy enters.) | |
| ABBIE: | Fuzzy! You’re up at last! |
| FUZZY: | Yes ... and I don’t feel too bad, either. Must be building up my tolerance. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Yeah, right, great, sure, fine, but what do we do about these ninja bunnies? They kidnapped Sasha, and they’ve tried to kill me and Chris twice now! I’m sick of it. |
| FUZZY: | I’m sure you’re overreacting. They’re probably just trying to be friendly. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Thank you, Moses. They’ll put that one in the second edition of the Commandments for sure. “Thou Shalt Not Say Anything Sensible About Diabolical Ninja Assassins”. |
| FUZZY: | There’s no need to poke me with your vicious wit. |
| HOPPY: | How can you suggest that these ninja bunnies aren’t a threat, when they abducted your precious Sasha? |
| FUZZY: | Who? Oh! Oh, yes. Sasha. Right. Yes. Good. Fine. Carry on. |
| (Fuzzy leaves.) | |
| ABBIE: | Something weird is going on. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | And the 4365 Nobel Prize for Not Being Blind Or Stupid goes to Abbigail Cleveland-Biggles. Let’s hear a round of applause for Abbie. |
| (Chris claps enthusiastically.) | |
| ABBIE: | Oh, Bunniquette, you’re awful! |
| (The credits roll.) |
Next Episode
Previous Episode
Season Three
Fuzzy Bunny Show Home