SEASON FOUR EPISODE FOUR
THE DEMON STAIR SAGA part two
(The corridor in which the staircase is located. The entire cast is there now. Inky is still half-way up the staircase with the dead Jetty.)
BUNNIQUETTE:The staircase to Hell? Are you serious?
RABBO:Well, it’s better than ‘Stairway to Heaven’.
INKY:I’ll say!
LAFF:If you’ve hurt my sister, you monster—
INKY:Relax, chum. I haven’t hurt her. She’s dead, but I haven’t hurt her.
FUZZY:Listen, you jumped up pumpkin-lover, I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t wake up Jetty and—
INKY:My dear Fuzzy, don’t you recognise me?
FUZZY:Well, of course! You look just like me! But—
INKY:That’s not what I meant.
(For a second or two, Inky changes. Into an enormous, hideously frightening monster. Then he returns to his Fuzzy-form.)
INKY:Now do you remember me?
(Fuzzy rather seems to have gone into shock.)
PIRICA:Fuzzy? Fuzzy, are you all right?
(Fuzzy glares at Inky.)
FUZZY:Y-you! It’s you!
HOPPY:You know this guy?
FUZZY:I... met him once. More than ten years ago. On the day when he murdered my little brother!
(The rest of the cast lets out a collective gasp.)
LAFF:Your what?
FUZZY:You filthy beast! I’ll destroy you!
INKY:I doubt it, wimp-whiskers. Now that, thanks to Hoppy, I’ve anchored the Stair, there’s no way you can defeat me! I finally have the power to remain in the world of the living for ever! The entire universe will feed my hunger for souls!!
FUZZY AND LAFF:No way! You killed my sibling, and you’ll pay dearly!
SASHA:Fuzzy! Be careful!
INKY:So, Fuzzy, you seem to have grown a few more courage-cells since I last saw you. When I killed your brother, you were a cowering mass of fearful fraidy-fur! Not such a spineless chicken any more, eh? If only you’d been this brave the day I killed your bro. Perhaps you would have had the guts to stop me.
SASHA:What’s he talking about, Fuzzy?
FUZZY:I... I had a chance to stop the demon and save my brother. But I was too scared.
SASHA:You mustn’t blame yourself, Fuzzy!
ABBIE:No one would be stupid enough to go up against a Spawn of Hell member!
FUZZY:Well... I am now!
INKY:Tell you what... you surrender your soul to me willingly, I’ll resurrect your kid brother. Whatta ya say? And, just to prove what a gentleman I am, I’ll offer the same deal to the Dropoff guy who lost his sister. All you have to do is step onto the Stair.
FUZZY AND LAFF:You got it!
SASHA:Fuzzy!
HOPPY:Laff!
SASHA AND HOPPY:Don’t do it! It’s a trick!
FUZZY AND LAFF:I have to!
INKY:Make up your minds. It’s now or never.
(Fuzzy and Laff look at each other and nod before leaping on to the Stair and vanishing abruptly in a burst of flame, as does Inky. In their place now are Jetty, and a bunny who must be Fuzzy’s brother.)
HOPPY:Jetty!
ABBIE:Oyster? Is it really you, Oyster?
(Jetty rushes into Hoppy’s arms.)
JETTY:Oh, Hoppy! It was awful! He... he sent me to Hell!
(Fuzzy’s brother, Oyster, looks around in confusion.)
OYSTER:Where the heck am I?
ABBIE:Oyster! It is you! You’ve been in Hell all these years after having your soul stolen by that demon?
OYSTER:As a matter of fact, yes. Hiya, Ab.
ABBIE:Killed by a demon! I remember the day you died... but Ghuzzy said you’d fallen off a cliff and drowned. I never knew the truth.
OYSTER:N—neither did dad. Fuzzy was scared to tell him, in case Inky came back.
SASHA:But where are Fuzzy and Laff now?
OYSTER:Laff? Fuzzy’s old pen-pal?
ABBIE:Yes. The Dropoff.
OYSTER:They’re in Hell now. They Walked the Stair.
HOPPY:But... but I ‘Walked the Stair’, and I never went to Hell.
OYSTER:That was before Inky had completed the Anchoring Rite. Now that the Stair is firmly attached to this world, anyone who steps up will be instantly trapped in the Pits of Hell.
BUNNIQUETTE:So let’s go! We have to rescue Fuzzboy and Laff!
OYSTER:It’s not that easy, kid. This is the Stairway to Hell, not the bus to Bucket Street.
ABBIE:Oyster’s right! We can’t go to Hell!
WESTMINSTER:We could send Rabbo.
RABBO:Yeah! Yeah! Let me go! Pleeeeeeeeease!
PIRICA:No one is going to Hell! Fuzzy and Laff gave themselves willingly! Our first priority is destroying the Stair so that Inky and the rest of the Spawn of Hell can’t get back to our world and kill us all!
SKUNKY:Anastasia! Do you have any TCFGs left?
ANASTASIA:I’m... not sure. I can check. Grovelspit, get back to my office and look in the second drawer of my desk. There should be a small device with a little light on the side. Bring it to me.
GROVELSPIT:Yes, Duchess.
(Grovelspit exits.)
PIRICA:Inky could return at any time.
(Cut to Anastasia’s office. Grovelspit enters, and rushes over to Anna’s desk, the second drawer of which she opens. In the drawer is a TCFG and a note. Grovelspit reads the note.)
GROVELSPIT:"Grovelspit: Leave the TCFG where it is. If the Fuzzyites were to defeat the Spawn of Hell, my plans would be ruined. Signed, Anastasia." Right-oh. Whatever you say Duchess.
(Cut back to the Stair corridor. Grovelspit returns.)
GROVELSPIT:Sorry. No TCFGs left.
(Anastasia smiles.)
PIRICA:Damn! If only Lucky was still here!
SASHA:I am sorry.
RABBO:Not your fault, Sash.
BUNNIQUETTE:So what now? We can’t just leave Laff and Fuzzy to rot.
MUNCHER:We also can’t allow the Spawn of Hell to destroy the universe. We have to disable the Stair somehow.
ABBIE:But how? Oyster? Jetty? You’ve both been to Hell, do you know any way?
JETTY:No idea.
OYSTER:The only way to cut the Stair’s support and dislodge it from this world is to kill the demon who anchored it.
PIRICA:Oh, great.
OYSTER:But it’s not as easy as it sounds.
WESTMINSTER:It doesn’t sound easy at all!
OYSTER:You see, anyone who kills a member of the Spawn Of Hell Society gains that demon’s power, and sometimes that power corrupts the new possessor and turns them evil too.
ABBIE:It sounds too risky. We might end up in a worse mess than we are now.
OYSTER:Nevertheless, it’s the only chance we have to defeat the Spawn of Hell.
PIRICA:So, do we give it a try?
EARLESS:I ain’t doin’ it.
LENNIE:Jim has a point. Who’s willing to go to Hell?
HOPPY:I’d gladly risk my life to save Laff’s!
SASHA:And I, Fuzzy’s!
OYSTER:No way! You mustn’t endanger yourselves. I’ll go.
ABBIE:But Oyster, you only just escaped!
OYSTER:I’ve got nothing to lose. I’ve spent most of my life in Hell. If Inky beats me and I have to stay in Hell forever, then so be it. I’ve survived for this long... In a manner of speaking.
PIRICA:Well... okay. You can go. But be careful. Straight in, kill Inky, try to free Fuzzy and Laff, and straight out.
HOPPY:Pirica! This isn’t a routine UBF mission! This is a journey to the Pits of Hell!
PIRICA:I am merely being practical, Lieutenant Commander Lashes.
JETTY:Please save my brother, sir!
OYSTER:Just call me Oyster. And I’ll do my best. My brother is at stake as well.
ABBIE:Good luck, Oyst.
OYSTER:Thanks. Here goes.
(Oyster leaps onto the Stair and vanishes in a burst of flame, like Fuzzy and Laff did.)
TESSA:Do you think he can do it?
HOWIE:I hope so.
(Pirica and her crew watch the Stair in silence for a full minute, anxiously awaiting any sign of victory. Eventually, the top step bursts into flames. The fire spreads down the Stair, one step at a time, until it reaches the bottom. It doesn’t leave the Stair, however; the Stair itself is the only thing that burns.)
BUNNIQUETTE:So what does this mean?
PIRICA:Who knows?
(The Stair explodes. The flames remain for a few moments and then die out.)
HOPPY:Aaaaaaand...?
(There is another brief flash of flame, and Oyster is back.)
ABBIE:Oyster!
OYSTER:Hello. My name is Oyster. I want to be your friend.
BUNNIQUETTE:Has he flipped?
JETTY:Oyster, did you bring back Laff and Fuzzy?
(Oyster produces a large stun blaster.)
OYSTER:I have a very big gun. But I’m too nice to use it.
(He shoots Earless.)
OYSTER:Most of the time.
ABBIE:Dad! Are you okay?
EARLESS:Errnm... f-fine. The burns are... only serious.
OYSTER:Watch me pull a hat out of my rabbit!
(He pulls a top hat out of his mouth.)
OYSTER:Today I have a special guest: Terry, the radioactive leech.
(Suddenly a glowing leech is standing next to Oyster.)
TERRY:Howdy.
(Oyster shoots Terry, who ceases to exist.)
OYSTER:Oh dear! I think Terry’s had an accident. I told him not to snort bullets through his ears.
ABBIE:Oyster! What’s gotten into you?
(He looks at her, and then clutches at his head.)
OYSTER:Ouch! What’s got into me? Inky.
JETTY:What do you mean?
OYSTER:The good news is, I killed Inky and inherited his power without becoming a demon myself. The other good news is, I managed to send Fuzzy and Laff out of Hell.
JETTY:What’s... what’s the bad news?
OYSTER:They’re still trapped.
HOPPY:What? You said you got them out of Hell! How can they still be trapped? Where are they?
OYSTER:Purgatory.
(Credits.)

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