| SEASON FOUR EPISODE FIVE | |
| THE DEMON STAIR SAGA part three | |
| (The Tonsilcrash Common Room. Abbie, Pirica, Hoppy, Skunky, Sasha, Oyster.) | |
| HOPPY: | There must be some way we can rescue Fuzzy and Laff from Purgatory. |
| OYSTER: | Not that I know of. The only way is if a member of the illustrious Spawn of Hell Purgatory Society manages to link our world to theirs by using the magical Rope-Ladder to Purgatory. |
| HOPPY: | Rope-Ladder? Let me guess. It’s a toned-down version of the Stair. |
| OYSTER: | Yes. But it’s even harder to open a path to our world from Purgatory than it is from Hell. |
| SASHA: | You now possess the demonic powers of that nasty Incubus who killed Jetty. Can’t you use your powers to go to Purgatory? |
| OYSTER: | No. Having become an Incubus, all my powers are good for is rape, seduction, impregnating women, stealing their souls, and shape-shifting into unnaturally attractive forms. You’ll notice that ‘popping next door to Purgatory’ isn’t on the list. |
| SKUNKY: | I find all this talk of Hell and Purgatory a little hard to credit. |
| SASHA: | Really? |
| SKUNKY: | Well, no, not really, but if I don’t say that, I’ll be acting out of character. |
| PIRICA: | So, Oyster, you’re telling us that there’s absolutely no way for us to rescue our friends? |
| OYSTER: | At this time, that is correct. |
| ABBIE: | Bummer. Sorry, Hop. |
| PIRICA: | Hoppy’s not the only one who’s upset about this, you know. |
| ABBIE: | No need to snap! I know that. We’re all upset. |
| OYSTER: | I don’t think that’s what DeBunny meant. |
| HOPPY: | Huh? |
| OYSTER: | My powers also allow me to identify sources and subjects of love and lust. To my enhanced vision, it is blindingly obvious that this Pirica chick is desperately in love with my brother. |
| (Pirica gasps and blushes. Sasha looks at her with a mixture of pity and carefully suppressed animosity.) | |
| PIRICA: | W-why, whatever do you mean? |
| HOPPY: | They were engaged before Fuzzy left Earth. |
| OYSTER: | Ah. What happened? |
| HOPPY: | Fuzz got cold feet and took of into space a few hours before the wedding. He’s now married to Sasha here. |
| (Oyster’s eyes double in size and he stares at Sasha for a few moments. His eyes return to their normal size, and he says:) | |
| OYSTER: | I see. Well, she seems a decent gal. |
| HOPPY: | Queen of the largest star system in the universe. |
| OYSTER: | Hubba, hubba! Royalty! Ka-ching! Pleased to meet you! Oyster the Mildly Seductive Bunny, atcha service! |
| SASHA: | To think that Fuzzy never told us about you! |
| OYSTER: | He was deeply traumatised by my death. |
| SASHA: | But I’m his wife! Surely he could at least have told me! |
| OYSTER: | Well, why should he tell you about me? I bet he never told you anything about our sisters, either. |
| THE OTHERS: | Sisters???!??! |
| OYSTER: | Joke! Joke... maybe. |
| PIRICA: | Back to the matter at hand. What do we do about Fuzzy and Laff? |
| OYSTER: | Nothing we can do, but wait. |
| PIRICA: | We just leave them there? |
| OYSTER: | No choice. Besides, it’s not like they’ll suffer. They might get a little bored, but Purgatory ain’t such a bad place, really. |
| PIRICA: | If you say so. |
| HOPPY: | But... we will get them back, yes? |
| OYSTER: | Yes. The second that one of the Spawn of Purgatory anchors the Rope-Ladder to our world. |
| SASHA: | And that will be...? |
| OYSTER: | Whenever one of them wants to. |
| SKUNKY: | And this is likely to happen when...? |
| OYSTER: | Buggered if I know. Wardrobe! Squirrel-powder! |
| SASHA: | Pardon? |
| OYSTER: | Sorry. Weirdness seizure. It might take me a few years to get used to having my new powers, and until I do, occasionally I’ll say or do something odd or inexplicable. |
| HOPPY: | Great. Another Chris Rabbo. |
| (Rabbo pops up behind her.) | |
| RABBO: | You called? |
| HOPPY: | No. Go away. |
| RABBO: | ‘No. Go away’? Sorry. You’ve got the wrong number. This is ‘Yes. Chris Rabbo’. |
| HOPPY: | I hate you! |
| RABBO: | Everyone does. It’s part of my charm. |
| PIRICA: | Part? It’s all of your charm. |
| OYSTER: | So. You’re the infamous Chris Rabbo, eh? |
| RABBO: | You’ve heard of me? |
| OYSTER: | Yeah. The guys in Hell are always talking about how they know you’re gonna be heading their way when you die. Now that you’re no longer a God, that is. |
| RABBO: | It’s nice to feel wanted. |
| PIRICA: | How would you know? |
| OYSTER: | I’m honoured to meet you, Mister Rabbo. |
| RABBO: | The pleasure is all mine, Powerbus. |
| OYSTER: | I... beg your pardon? What did you call me? |
| RABBO: | Powerbus. It’s a contraction of ‘Powerful Incubus’. |
| OYSTER: | Oh? |
| RABBO: | Yes. It’s what my father used to call you. |
| OYSTER: | Aracus? Aracus talked about me? |
| RABBO: | Oh, yes. He had seen your future. You’re headed for big things. |
| SASHA: | Chris! You mean you always knew about Oyster, but you never told us? |
| RABBO: | Fuzzy didn’t want anyone to know. |
| (Suddenly the Stair appears in the Common Room.) | |
| HOPPY: | What the... Hell? |
| OYSTER: | Damn! Shit! Possum-Scrabble! The Stair! |
| PIRICA: | How did it get back? You said you un-anchored it! |
| OYSTER: | I-I-I don’t know! |
| SASHA: | Why is there no demon riding it? |
| HOPPY: | It looks... smaller, and not so frightening. Maybe it’s not the same one? |
| OYSTER: | No, it’s the real thing all right. That’s definitely the Stair. But you’re right... it seems harmless. |
| RABBO: | Here. |
| (Rabbo hands Oyster a tiny flute-like thing.) | |
| OYSTER: | What’s this? |
| RABBO: | Your Stair-whistle. You can use it to summon and command the Stair. |
| OYSTER: | What? |
| RABBO: | You defeated Inky. You gained all of his powers. Including mastery of the Stair. My father foresaw this day, and told me to give you the whistle. |
| HOPPY: | For someone who’s not a God any more, Rabbo, you still pull off some pretty amazing stunts. |
| OYSTER: | You seriously mean to tell me that the Stair will obey me now? I can Walk it at will? |
| RABBO: | That’s right. |
| PIRICA: | Well, if it does as you say, would you mind tweaking the size a little? It’s scratching my ceiling. |
| OYSTER: | I’ll... try. |
| (Oyster toots on his little whistle. The Stair glows for a second and then shrinks until it is no taller than Hoppy.) | |
| OYSTER: | Cool. |
| HOPPY: | This means that... you can go back to Hell and get to Purgatory to rescue Laff and Fuzzy! |
| RABBO: | Simpler than that. You needn’t go through Hell. The Stair will take you directly to Purgatory. In fact, it will take you nearly anywhere. |
| OYSTER: | But... but... it’s only supposed to lead to Hell and back! |
| RABBO: | Previously that was true. But now it serves you, and not the Spawn of Hell. It will adapt to suit your needs. |
| OYSTER: | That’s great! Well, I’d best get to Purgatory! |
| HOPPY: | I’m coming too! |
| OYSTER: | Right. We’ll be back in a sec. |
| (Hoppy and Oyster step up onto the staircase. They (and it) burst in the trademark ‘burst of flame’.) | |
| SASHA: | I am so glad that Fuzzy and Laff will be rescued. |
| (Pirica blushes again.) | |
| PIRICA: | ... so am I. Uh, look, Sasha, I’m sorry about— |
| SASHA: | Still loving Fuzzy? Don’t be. The two of you were very happy together, until he... had to leave. It’s only natural that you would still have feelings for him. |
| PIRICA: | I... I tried to hate him for leaving me like that, but I couldn’t do it. I never stopped loving him for a second. |
| SASHA: | It is I who should apologise. I am sorry that he left you, and that he broke your heart. If I had known about you when I first met Fuzzy, I would never have fallen in love with him myself. But now it’s too late, and I do love him. I hope you can learn to live with your feelings. |
| PIRICA: | Well, I’ve done fine so far. |
| (Burst of flame.) | |
| ABBIE: | Hate to interrupt, but— |
| (The Stair reappears...) | |
| ABBIE: | They’re back! |
| (...with only Oyster and Hoppy.) | |
| SASHA: | Oyster? Hoppy? Where are Fuzzy and Laff? |
| HOPPY: | Who bloody knows? |
| PIRICA: | What? |
| HOPPY: | We got there, and the Spawn of Purgatory Society tells us that Fuzzy and Laff escaped already. They nicked off before we arrived! |
| ABBIE: | But... where did they go? |
| OYSTER: | We have absolutely no idea. |
| RABBO: | Bummer. |
| OYSTER AND CHRIS: | Waddling Porcupine Bloats! |
| THE OTHERS: | Pardon? |
| OYSTER: | Simultaneous zaniness attack. |
| RABBO: | Exciting, wasn’t it? |
| PIRICA: | Great. Not only have we lost Fuzzy and Laff, but our Rabbo population is rising. Just what we need. |
| OYSTER: | Yes, it is, isn’t it? |
| (Suddenly Oyster becomes the most dashingly handsome bunny Pirica has ever seen.) | |
| PIRICA: | Oh, my! |
| OYSTER: | Now, I am an incubus... let’s see if I can’t cure this Pirica chick of her Fuzzy-fondness. |
| (He kisses Pirica. She swoons, and faints in his arms.) | |
| ABBIE: | You’re not going to use your powers to seduce her, surely? |
| OYSTER: | Of course I am! |
| ABBIE: | Why? |
| OYSTER: | Because I can’t do it without my powers. |
| (Credits.) |
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