| SEASON FOUR EPISODE EIGHT | |
| Part Two: THE DEMON QUEEN | |
| (Anastasia’s office. Anastasia, Grovelspit, McKoohinky and Jupie are all seated at their desks.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | Now, Jupie, do you have the book? |
| JUPIE: | I do. |
| (Jupie produces a large leather-bound book.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | Splendid! The Codex Scelestus! |
| JUPIE: | With the rites in this book you’ll be able to contact the Spawn of Hell again. With any luck you’ll be able to help them re-establish their link to this world. |
| ANASTASIA: | Ah, the joys of demonology! |
| (Cut to the Bridge. Pirica, Abbie, Rabbo, Howie.) | |
| PIRICA: | Now, Howie, has Lennie got Jetty hooked up to the Geneaolgical Pursuit Facilitator? |
| HOWIE: | Yes, Admiral. |
| PIRICA: | Good. |
| ABBIE: | Explain this machine to me again? |
| PIRICA: | The GPF is a machine that enables us to use Jetty’s genetic matrix to track Laff. As long as Laff is somewhere in this universe. |
| ABBIE: | How does the machine locate him? |
| PIRICA: | I don’t understand the mechanics. All I know is that as soon as we are within a two-thousand light year radius of Laff’s location, the GPF will beep. Then we’ll be able to zero in and pinpoint his whereabouts. |
| ABBIE: | I see. |
| RABBO: | It’s not that cold. |
| PIRICA: | Oh, shut up. |
| RABBO: | Yes, Ma’am. |
| (Cut to Anastasia’s office. The furniture has been moved away from the centre of the room and a large pentagram is painted on the floor. In the centre of the pentagram stands Anastasia, wearing a demon-summoning sort of dress. She is holding the Codex Scelestus. Her three servants stand outside the pentagram, watching anxiously.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | Vitrum! Luctus! Stativus! Balineum! Consortio! |
| (A ring of flame springs up around Anastasia and a ghostly, shadowy, flickering face appears before her.) | |
| FACE: | Nice incantation. Are you aware that you just said ‘Glass! Lamentation! Standing Camp! Bath! Fellowship!’? Ah, how I love Latin! |
| ANASTASIA: | Look, I didn’t write the book. Can we get on with the Satanic pact now? |
| FACE: | Certainly. Ahem. ‘Who summons Valium, Legislator of the Illustrious Spawn of Hell Society?’ |
| ANASTASIA: | I am the Quintessa Bunnyon. |
| (Grovelspit whispers to Jupie and Mac.) | |
| GROVELSPIT: | The who? |
| JUPIE: | Shh! |
| VALIUM: | Why do you convene me? |
| ANASTASIA: | I believe you traffic in souls? |
| (Cut to Gumman’s office. He is sitting in there with Earless.) | |
| GUMMAN: | What’s the problem, Jim? |
| EARLESS: | I’ve had a terrible headache for the last couple of days. |
| GUMMAN: | Oh, really? Not a problem. Here’s your description. |
| EARLESS: | Don’t you mean ‘prescription’? |
| GUMMAN: | No. I’m only a doctor part-time. I’m really a Senile Fool Narration Officer. |
| EARLESS: | You mad quack! |
| (Cut back to Anastasia’s office.) | |
| VALIUM: | Your offer intrigues me, mortal. |
| ANASTASIA: | Then you’ll grant me the favour I ask? |
| VALIUM: | Yes. Of course, it will cost you. |
| ANASTASIA: | Naturally. |
| VALIUM: | You have the fee, then? |
| ANASTASIA: | Yes. Not... on me, though. I will invoke you again when I have collected it. Then I will pay you, and once you have rewarded me, I will secure the Stair and re-anchor it for you. |
| VALIUM: | Wonderful. I will be expecting your call. And as soon as our dealings are completed... you will become the all-powerful Demon Queen, Mistress of Hell! |
| (Legislator Valium’s face vanishes, followed closely by the ring of flame.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | Perfect. McKoohinky, straighten up the furniture. Grovelspit, Jupie... bring me the Casket. |
| JUPIE: | What?! |
| GROVELSPIT: | The Casket? But surely you’re not going to— |
| ANASTASIA: | Why not? I have no use for it so long as I’m in this body. |
| GROVELSPIT: | But— |
| ANASTASIA: | Now. |
| JUPIE & GROVELSPIT: | Yes, Duchess. |
| ANASTASIA: | And hurry. The sooner you bring me the Casket, the sooner I become the Demon Queen! |
| JUPIE: | Yes, Duchess. |
| ANASTASIA: | I’m going to the Bridge to see if the GPF is up and running. The Casket had better be here when I get back. |
| (Cut to the Bridge. Pirica, Howie. Anastasia enters.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | How goes it, DeBunny? |
| PIRICA: | Fuck off, bitch. |
| ANASTASIA: | Why is it that every time I visit the Bridge somebody calls me a bitch? |
| HOWIE: | Object Recognition. |
| ANASTASIA: | It’s like that, is it? Well, I just came to ask if the GPF was working. |
| PIRICA: | It is. Now piss off. |
| ANASTASIA: | As you wish. |
| (Cut to the Jeopardy Apartment Control Bay. Hooked up to a machine (the GPF) is Jetty, seemingly unconscious. Anastasia enters.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | Oh, ho. The GPF. I can’t have them finding Laff and Fuzzy so soon, so... I’ll have to sabotage the device without damaging it. I don’t want them suspecting me and ruining my plans. |
| (She produces a syringe full of foul-looking black sludge.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | Bottoms up, you Dropoff dolt. |
| (She stabs Jetty with the syringe and injects the sludge into the young Dropoff’s neck.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | There, is that nice? I doubt it. |
| (Cut to the Bridge. Pirica and Howie hear the GPF monitor beep.) | |
| PIRICA: | Oh! The GPF! |
| (It beeps again.) | |
| PIRICA: | Huh? |
| HOWIE: | Something’s wrong. It shouldn’t beep twice. |
| PIRICA: | Perhaps it just— |
| (The console to which the GPF is hooked up explodes.) | |
| HOWIE: | What the--? |
| PIRICA: | Jesus! |
| HOWIE: | We’d better check on Jetty, quick! |
| (Cut back to Jetty in the Jeopardy Apartment Control Bay. Pirica and Howie rush in. Howie examines Jetty and the machine.) | |
| PIRICA: | So? What happened? |
| HOWIE: | Well... there’s nothing wrong with the machine. I think Jetty’s genetic matrix overloaded the cable that connects the GPF to the Bridge’s computers. |
| PIRICA: | How? |
| HOWIE: | Well, I’m no expert, but it looks as though Jetty’s DNA has mutated into... something unusually prolific. |
| PIRICA: | Pardon? |
| HOWIE: | Jetty is more than one person! |
| (Anastasia’s office. The furniture is back in place. McKoohinky is sitting at his desk. Jupie and Grovelspit enter, carrying a large silver coffin. They put the coffin down on Anastasia’s desk.) | |
| GROVELSPIT: | I hope she knows what she’s doing. |
| (Anastasia enters.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | Of course I do. |
| MCKOOHINKY: | Duchess! Did you use the solution I mixed up for you? |
| ANASTASIA: | Yes. It worked perfectly. I injected Jetty, and the stuff you gave me somehow fused the GPF’s connection cable. The machine’s completely useless. They’ll never find Laff now! What was in the syringe? |
| MCKOOHINKY: | A concoction containing DNA samples from everyone aboard the ship. The GPF couldn’t handle the strain of so many conflicting gene-signatures, and the cable blew. |
| ANASTASIA: | Very good, Mac. Now... I see you two brought the Casket, as instructed. |
| JUPIE: | Of course. |
| GROVELSPIT: | Hang on... just because Pirica’s fancy machine doesn’t work any more, that doesn’t mean that Oyster and the others won’t find Fuzzy and Laff. |
| ANASTASIA: | True. But it doesn’t matter if Oyster finds them. As long as he returns with the Stair, everything’s fine. But for now... open the Casket. |
| (Jupie does. Inside is what looks like a female bunny corpse. A green, wrinkly, slimy one.) | |
| ANASTASIA: | My, but it’s been a long time since I saw this. |
| MCKOOHINKY: | Gross! What is it? |
| ANASTASIA: | Don’t you know? Oh, of course, I didn’t hire you until after I was exiled from Nerpalon 12. This, Mister McKoohinky, is... my body! |
| (Cut to the Common Room. Westminster, Abbie, Ralph, Rabbo, Mal.) | |
| WESTMINSTER: | I wonder how that Oyster guy and the others are doing? I hope they’ve found Fuzzy and Laff. |
| RABBO: | Fuzzy and who? |
| WESTMINSTER: | Laff. |
| RABBO: | If you say so. ‘Ha, ha!’ |
| WESTMINSTER: | What--? Y—Grr! You are so stupid! |
| RABBO: | Rubbish! I am my own toopid! And I certainly don’t belong to Soe! |
| WESTMINSTER: | What is he talking about? |
| MAL: | ‘So stupid’. ‘Soe’s toopid’. It’s a Rabbo thing. |
| WESTMINSTER: | I hate Chris Rabbo! |
| RABBO: | Well, in that case, I hope you get indigestion! |
| WESTMINSTER: | --? Ng! |
| (Credits.) |
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