| SEASON FOUR EPISODE NINE | |
| Part Three: THE ROAD TO ETERNAL TORMENT | |
| (Lord Necopinus’s banquet hall. Necopinus is seated at his table. The Stair, carrying Oyster, Hoppy, Muncher and Bunniquette, is hovering beside him. Carthage, Rone and Farbauti are standing by the door. | |
| NECOPINUS: | So, what can I do for you, Hell-Demon? |
| OYSTER: | Have you seen either of these two people? |
| (Oyster’s face briefly changes to resemble first Fuzzy, then Laff. When his face has returned to normal, Necopinus says: | |
| NECOPINUS: | King Fuzzy and Commander Laff? |
| HOPPY: | You know them! |
| OYSTER: | At last! Where are they? |
| NECOPINUS: | I have no idea. |
| OYSTER: | But – you know who they are. You must know who took them from Abyssobenthia! |
| NECOPINUS: | Oh, yes, that much I know. They were taken by one of my people. A young vampiress by the name of Ch’zzi. |
| OYSTER: | What? Ch’zzi? |
| NECOPINUS: | Yes. Oh, but of course, you know her! How could I forget? |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | So who is this Ch’zzi chick, Oyst? And how do you know her? |
| OYSTER: | That’s not important right now. Please, Lord Necopinus, you must help me find Fuzzy and Laff! If Ch’zzi has taken them... |
| NECOPINUS: | I have told you all I can. |
| OYSTER: | Please! You’re the Lord of the Vampires! You must be able to use your psychic powers to locate Ch’zzi! |
| NECOPINUS: | I have already tried. I am unable to divine her current whereabouts. |
| OYSTER: | Oh, poo! Bugger! |
| NECOPINUS: | I do not know where she is. But I know where she was heading. |
| OYSTER: | Ah! Ah! Good! Great! Thanks! Where? |
| NECOPINUS: | When last seen by one of my agents, Ch’zzi was Hiking the Road to Eternal Torment. |
| OYSTER: | What? Hiking the Road? Oh, wonderful! Now we have to go to Torment! |
| MUNCHER: | Torment? |
| OYSTER: | Yeah. It’s the place where they send people who are too nasty to go to Hell after they die. |
| HOPPY: | So let’s go! |
| OYSTER: | It won’t be pleasant. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | How do we get there? Through the Landing? |
| OYSTER: | The Landing can only take us as far as the beginning of the path. We’ll have to Hike the Road. |
| HOPPY: | Sounds fun. |
| OYSTER: | Here’s hoping we don’t get killed. |
| NECOPINUS: | You forget, Powerbus, you are an immortal demon. You cannot be killed. |
| OYSTER: | Well, yeah, true, but my pals here can. |
| NECOPINUS: | I could rectify that. I could have Carthage turn them all into Vampires. |
| HOPPY: | Thanks, but no thanks. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Appreciate the offer, but... |
| MUNCHER: | No way! |
| OYSTER: | Thank you for all your help, Lord Necopinus, but we must hurry. We have to save Fuzzy and Laff from Ch’zzi! |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | I’ll ask again: who is Ch’zzi! |
| OYSTER: | Later! Farewell, Lord Necopinus! Bye, General Carthage! |
| (The Stair and its occupants vanish. | |
| CARTHAGE: | Good luck to them. That Ch’zzi is a nasty one! |
| FARBAUTI: | Meanest vampire I ever met! |
| NECOPINUS: | You doubt the strength of the mighty Powerbus? |
| CARTHAGE & FARBAUTI: | No, sir! |
| NECOPINUS: | He may not enjoy the inevitable confrontation with Ch’zzi... especially if he has to kill her. |
| FARBAUTI: | Why? Is there some connection between Powerbus and Ch’zzi? |
| NECOPINUS: | You could say that... |
| (Cut back to the Landing, where the Stair materialises.) | |
| OYSTER: | Well, here goes nothing. If you reckon Hell sounds like a bad place, wait ‘til you see the Road to Eternal Torment! |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Gee, I’m really looking forward to it. |
| MUNCHER: | I suppose there’ll be hordes of hideous monsters trying to kill us? |
| OYSTER: | I expect so. |
| MUNCHER: | Has everyone got their blasters? |
| HOPPY: | Yep. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Never leave home without it. |
| OYSTER: | I don’t have one. |
| MUNCHER: | You’re telling me you set out on his journey unarmed? You knew how dangerous it’d be! |
| OYSTER: | I’m hardly unarmed! I happen to be a Hell-Demon, remember? My very body is an occult weapon of death and destruction! |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Sex and seduction, you mean. All your powers are good for is charming the ladies. |
| OYSTER: | It’s true that therein lies my area of speciality, but nevertheless, I’m also capable of astounding acts of bloodshed and depravity. |
| HOPPY: | That’s reassuring. |
| OYSTER: | Now, here we go! This is as far as the Landing can take us. |
| (The Stair vanishes as it leaves the Landing. Cut to a dark, featureless landscape. A path winds its way across the ground and continues beyond the horizon. The Stair materialises. | |
| OYSTER: | Yep. This is it. See that path? That’s the Road to Eternal Torment. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | So now we gotta ‘Hike it’. |
| OYSTER: | 'S right. |
| HOPPY: | But we don’t have to get off and walk, do we? I mean, the Stair’ll still carry us, right? |
| OYSTER: | Heavens, yes! Why, if you were actually to physically touch the Road, you’d be instantly disintegrated! |
| HOPPY: | Ah, Good. I think I’ll try not to fall off the Stair, then. |
| OYSTER: | Very wise of you, orange chicken flap. Some rats are hard to kill. |
| MUNCHER: | Pardon? |
| HOPPY: | Brilliant. He’s gone into Rabbo mode again. Another ‘weirdness seizure’. |
| MUNCHER: | He certainly sounds like he’s been seized by weirdness. |
| HOPPY: | We’re trying to navigate the deadliest place in existence on a flying midget spiral staircase and the only one of us who has any idea what’s going on has gone bonkers. Just bloody wonderful. |
| OYSTER: | Ahoy, spigots! Me thinks I spot a widow! |
| THE OTHERS: | What? |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Shit! Look! He’s pointing over there! You see that? |
| HOPPY: | Um... yes. A gang of blood-thirsty killer rhinos is heading right for us. |
| (Hoppy’s right. Over the horizon, following the path towards the Stair has come a bunch of mean-looking rhinoceros warriors, each armed to the teeth. There’s at least twenty, and they’re closing fast. | |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Well, now we know what he means when he says ‘me thinks I spot a widow’. |
| MUNCHER: | Yes. ‘Here comes a pack of bloody savage horn-bearers with designs on our internal organs’. |
| OYSTER: | Couldn’t have said it better myself, rocket-chops! |
| HOPPY: | Jesus! What the heck do we do? We can’t fight them all! |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Snap out of it, Oyst. We need you right now! You’re the demon – so, demon them! Or else they’ll slaughter us! |
| OYSTER: | Verily, the wire doth tickle mine crab-sticks! Persimmons ho! |
| MUNCHER: | Come on, Oyster! Now would be good! |
| (The rhinos are nearly upon them. | |
| RHINO: | Surrender, trespassers! Or face the wrath of Cameroon Congo Zaire, Rhino Warlord! |
| OYSTER: | Greetings, pointy-nose! Is that a cheesecloth in your pocket, or are you just unhappy to see me? |
| RHINO: | Pardon? |
| OYSTER: | Belay that monkey-scraper, chaps! Get down and get roonky! |
| RHINO: | Oh, I see! Don’t let his raving bother you, men! He’s recently inherited the powers of a Hell-Demon. I recognise the Post-Transferral Mental Trauma. |
| (The Rhino (Cameroon Congo Zaire, Rhino Warlord) draws his sword. | |
| ZAIRE: | Attack! |
| (The other rhinos also produce their weapons and rush at the Stair. | |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Piss off, pal. |
| (Bunniquette whips out her blaster and shoots Zaire in the nose. | |
| ZAIRE: | Aarggh! You’ll pay for that, wench! |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Certainly! |
| (She shoots him again. | |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Do I get a receipt? |
| HOPPY: | I think you made them mad, Quette. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | No way! They were mad already! You’d have to be mad, to attack the Hell-Demon Powerbus and his party! |
| (The rhinos stop in their tracks. | |
| ZAIRE: | This is the mighty Powerbus? |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Yes! Ha! See, Hop, they’re so in awe of ‘Powerbus’ that they’ll befriend us and aid us in our quest! |
| ZAIRE: | In a pig’s eye, lassie! At first, we were just attacking you for the fun of it, but now that we know who you are... you’re dead! Our mistress sent us to destroy Powerbus! |
| HOPPY: | Nice one, O’Bunbun. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Well, it nearly worked. |
| ZAIRE: | Kill them! |
| (Zaire’s soldiers leap at the Stair, and start hacking at our heroes with their swords. | |
| OYSTER: | Slash away, you rhinoceros toilet-chains! |
| HOPPY: | Hey guys... |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Yeah? |
| HOPPY: | Their swords aren’t touching us. |
| MUNCHER: | You noticed it too, eh? |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Shame the rhinos haven’t figured it out. |
| MUNCHER: | Obviously the Stair has enclosed us in some kind of protective force-field. |
| HOPPY: | And bravo, I say. Suck shit, outgrowth-boy! |
| ZAIRE: | Rrr! No one calls me outgrowth-boy and lives! |
| HOPPY: | First time for everything! |
| OYSTER: | All aboard! Last call for flight 759B to Bucket Street! |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Oh, get off it, Oyst! Wake up and stop this ‘weirdness seizure’ crap! |
| (Oyster’s shape changes. | |
| OYSTER: | Look! I’m a boat! |
| (He is. | |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Christ! If Oyster doesn’t come to his senses soon, those bloody rhinos’ll find a way to get at us for sure! |
| HOPPY: | Piss off, you psychotic Swiss Army Hippos! |
| (Oyster the little boat returns to his natural form. | |
| OYSTER: | Ah. Have I missed anything? |
| HOPPY: | Thank Aracus! |
| OYSTER: | No point. He doesn’t exist. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Oyster! You’re back to normal? |
| OYSTER: | Um... yes. |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | About bloody time! |
| OYSTER: | Hate to sound ignorant, but who are these rhinoceroses, and why are they trying to stab my Stair? |
| MUNCHER: | It’s Cameroon Congo Zaire, Rhino Warlord. He was sent to kill us. |
| OYSTER: | Not going to happen. Ta-ta. |
| (Oyster snaps his fingers. Cameroon Congo Zaire and his soldiers are transformed into colourful doves, and fly away. | |
| OYSTER: | Now, let’s continue towards Torment! |
| BUNNIQUETTE: | Yes, let’s. |
| (Credits.) |
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